This week's show is all about runway and rock climbing, which I find to be a refreshing alternative to face tumors and stillborn babies. The girls enter what appears to be a really spooky building brimming with the supernatural, and learn that they are actually in Nurse J.'s Fashion Madhouse. Sadly, there are no ghosts. But the girls do get a walking lesson as they outfit themselves in straitjackets and heels and prance down a deserted hall that was once inhabited by mental patients (insert Vincent Price "Thriller" laugh here). Bianca, unsurprisingly, feels quite at home in her straitjacket. Speaking of Bianca, she really is having trouble making friends as she and Saleisha, who is this week's Lisa, get into a weird fight that has its origin in Saleisha being a little annoying about all the modeling experience she has. Bianca calls Saleisha borderline plus-size and tells her to check out her thighs in the mirror, which is really the perfect ending to any argument. Look for Hillary Clinton to swipe this in the democratic presidential debates. Roy Campbell of fabulous ghetto fashion shows past and designer Colleen Quen lead the girls through their challenge -- a real live couture fashion show! With an actual audience! That isn't composed of shoppers from the Salvation Army! Saleisha is declared the winner, and gets to walk the runway in Colleen Quen's debut Paris fashion week show. Bianca is FUMING. The photo shoot for the week involves a rock-climbing wall, edgy makeup, and lots of leggings. Heather impresses everyone, as does Jenah. Ebony still has trouble getting her groove, and Bianca impresses Tyra but not the rest of the judges. She lands in the final two along with Kimberly, who anyone who has seen this show twice could tell was going home within the first minute of the episode. Kimberly has only the fact that Tyra has a weird fetish about her ears to get her through the long, dark night of being the second girl booted. Meanwhile, Victoria is totally gunning for Twiggy, and the judges know it.
Previously on America's Top Model: "Bianca and Lisa proved to be volatile women." Wow, Tyra has perfected the art of understatement. Heather came to the house with model potential and Asperger's, which, in case you haven't heard, is a mild form of autism. The photo shoot was rife with stillborn babies and face tumors, which taught us that smoking is bad, and that sometimes makeup artists put their talents to ill use. And Mila went home and tested out her theory that crying is a waste of time. One dozen bitches remain!
And before I go into the recap, I just want to say thanks so much to everyone who has written to express their condolences about Miss Itty's passing. It will please you to know that she has apparently been reincarnated as Bianca.
On the deck, the girls practice their walks overlooking Los Angeles. Kimberly asks Bianca to critique her honestly. Have you met Bianca, sweetie? Because the "honestly" is kind of superfluous. As is the "critique." Kimberly tells us that she's from Ocala, Florida, a small town revered for its churches and horse crap. She thinks she has what it takes to be a top model. Cut to Bianca giving her walking tips, then telling us that she gave Kimberly bad tips. She doesn't think that's being a bad friend, she says. No, in fact, it's not being a friend at all. Still, it made me enjoy Bianca just a little and think there's some truth to the claim that she's a fun bitch. Bianca says it's a competition, and she has to remember why she's here. Kimberly says that the walk doesn't feel right, and Bianca just laughs and tells her it was good.
Inside, some of the girls, including Saleisha, Chantal, and Ebony, are giving Heather a makeover. Heather interviews that at first, she was afraid that the other girls would look down on her because she has a disability. She must have seen the first episode, eh? Saleisha interviews that even though this is a competition, she doesn't want to be a bitch or act rude to any of the other girls, because that's not her personality. So, she says, she was helping some of the girls with what they were wearing. Bianca enters and yells, "What are y'all doing to her? Now she's just a prostitute." I wouldn't go that far, but I would maybe say that she's nearing the Whoreville County Line. Bianca interviews that Heather's disability gives her a leg up. She says that Heather gets a pity call from everyone, and she doesn't know if Heather deserves it. This might actually be a little bit true. See, Bianca seems like a crazy bitch, but if you listen closely and filter out the bile, there are some nuggets of wisdom in her rantings.
Tyra Mail! "I want a top model that has her stuff together. But for now, you can all go crazy. Love, Tyra." Chantal goes, "...Makeovers?" If only.
Back on the patio, Ebony says that she doesn't think you can teach a person to walk -- you either have it or you don't. I think that that's a little true as well. It's like rhythm -- either you have it, or you dance like a fool for your entire life and clap off-beat. Saleisha doesn't think it's true, though. Bianca says that she has her signature walk, and she's not going to change it. Saleisha interrupts to say that sometimes a person's signature walk HAS TO CHANGE. If it's done nothing else in its time on this planet, Top Model has at the very least gotten "signature walk" into the OED. Bianca does interject that she's not going to be anywhere like Camille, but Saleisha talks over her and says that if you can't change your signature walk to suit a client, the client won't book you. Bianca interviews that Saleisha's annoying because she's always talking about everything she's done in her life. And you know Bianca's right about this one -- I'm sure it's "T-Zone camp" this, "T-Zone camp" that, "I was touched by the golden finger of Tyra and I didn't even care where that finger had been," et cetera. Saleisha just seems a little know-it-all-ish. Bianca hopes she doesn't get far in the competition. She says that may be mean of her, but it's the truth.
The girls head to an old building that has a sign outside reading "Fashion Madhouse." They head up to a room that sort of looks like a haunted house. Or, rather, an abandoned hospital room that has now become a storage space for dry ice. A straitjacketed silhouette kind of bumps around in the doorway and roars, and then Miss J. comes out in full nurse regalia and beehive. Bitch totally tripped Amy Winehouse on the street and yanked that out of her head. Bianca says she was scared for her life. Well, I don't know about that. Sarah says that she'd love to have Miss J. as a nurse. That would be great if you want your caretaker to tell you that you're one broken-down rag doll of a transplant patient. Miss J. says that he's there today to cure the girls of their fashion ailments. Yes, it's runway coaching! Miss J. says that, as always, with him there's a reason and method to his madness. I have been watching this show for many a year, and I can assure you that there is, in fact, actually no method to his madness. The madness this time involves the girls walking in straitjackets and heels. Bianca is all, "Oh yeah, you guys, the tie goes in the back. Trust me." Kimberly takes a moment to recognize the trauma of people who actually have to wear straitjackets made of such rough material. Maybe they can get Old Navy to donate some 100% cotton sweatshop-manufactured straitjackets for season? In any case, the point of the whole thing is that sometimes in couture shows, you have to wear some crazy-ass shit in which you can't really move.
Victoria walks first, and reminds us that she got into the top history program at Yale University but can't walk down the runway. Yale blah nerd blah history blah what's this "fashion" everybody's talking about blah. Jenah says that being bound in a tight space freaks her out. She seems to do okay nonetheless. Sarah seems particularly terrible. I think her jeans are too tight. Miss J. does an impression of Heather walking, and Heather's reaction in an interview is, "Just shoot me now and send me home." Don't let Bianca hear you say that! She's very literal. Miss J. thinks there's something sexy about Janet. That's because she looks like a fifteen-year old boy. Kimberly says that walking in a straitjacket is more of a challenge than it appears. Miss J. advises in his customary articulate manner, "Remember, you girls, your job is to just bring anything you have on alive." Ambreal and Ebony look pretty good. Chantal needs to be stronger and harder. Sometimes I think Miss J. just forgets where he is when he starts yelling things like, "Stronger! Harder!"
Bianca walks and tells us that her biggest competitor right now is Saleisha. She says it's important for her to have a signature walk, because a signature walk is based in personality, and a lot of the girls don't have much personality. Saleisha. Miss J. tells Bianca that she needs more treatment. He points out her exaggerated posing. Saleisha, of course, has to tell us that she's glad Miss J. made that comment, because you could never do that kind of thing on a couture runway. Oh, and I'm so sure Saleisha would know. I'm so Team Bianca right now! What's happening to me? Saleisha walks, and Miss J. compliments her. She interviews that she's not starting from scratch like some of the other girls. Bianca gives Saleisha credit for her walk, but still thinks Saleisha's the Baroness of Blandsville.
The day, or another day -- I mean, you know how the time/space continuum is made of Play-Doh on this show -- Bianca is crowing about how determined she is and how she always meets the goals she sets for herself. Yeah, but so far those goals have consisted of "Get a weave for under $30." Saleisha, not to be out-annoyinged, says that she's wanted to model since she was fifteen, and in fact has modeled since she was fifteen. She says, "I've worked print, runway, I've done it all." And has been so successful at it that she has to gaggle up with the rest of these losers and submit herself to Tymiliation on a weekly basis. Kimberly, inoffensive as ever, says that she has no experience at all, and that her dad's just been taking pictures of her all her life. Illegitimate spawn of Joe Simpson, perhaps? Kimberly says she's intimidated by Saleisha's experience.
Saleisha then says that she's worked and done things, but photographers don't tell you anything, and just put you in front of a camera. When you're doing print work for the local Benny's circular, maybe. Bianca argues that it does give her an advantage. Saleisha then stands up on the bed and says that she's going to be real -- it's a competition, and she doesn't care who attacks her. She's there to win, she says, and probably will win. I think the "I probably will win" was pretty unnecessary. She says it shouldn't intimidate the other girls; it should just make them work harder. Kimberly tells us that Bianca was just asking Saleisha questions, and Saleisha got all heated like they were attacking her. Bianca and Kimberly, who are in a bed together, just kind of laugh at Saleisha as she's standing on the other bed and waving her arms all around. Eventually, though, Bianca goes beyond simply asking questions and yells that she doesn't see Saleisha as her competition. Saleisha, she says, does not have a better body type than she does and is, in fact, borderline plus-size. And honestly, isn't that kind of a great go-to insult to have in this context?
Saleisha interviews that she tried to stay cool. But when you have Bianca's big E.T. finger in your face, it's kind of hard to do that. Bianca then totally tells Saleisha she looks like a Bratz doll. And again, she kind of has a point. The two girls are then face-to-face and really going at it, and when she notices that Saleisha has to really stretch to look her in the eye, Bianca tells Saleisha to please stand on her toes. Heee. Meanwhile, Ebony is just looking on and smiling, happy that she took Tyra's intervention to heart. Saleisha eventually plays the "She's only eighteen and I'm a grown-ass woman and don't have time for this" card, and Bianca caps off the argument by telling Saleisha to go look at her thighs in the mirror. And T-Zone camp or not, you know that Saleisha TOTALLY looked at her thighs in the mirror that night and made a pact with herself to do more squats.
Saleisha interviews that Bianca's only eighteen and needs to learn to control herself. Well, oh wise twenty-one-year-old, it didn't exactly look like Bianca was screaming into blank air, now, did it? Saleisha tells some other girls that Bianca is intimidated. Then I'm sure she asks them if her thighs look fat. Sarah tells us that Bianca and Saleisha are kind of on and off and get testy and cranky, but she's sure it's related to stress. Everyone's tired and tempers are high. Yeah, and Bianca is just kind of stank that way. To wit, an extended quote from Bianca: "I will hit them where it hurts. I don't need to fight you to hurt you. I can really hurt you in this competition. I have no problem doing it. I will get real grimy. I'll start cutting up clothes." Ha! Grimy! I love it. And now, another, from the confessional: "I can break these bitches down one by one. I refuse to let these bitches think that I'm not a real model. Don't let the red hair fool you, bitches, I can be very high fashion, okay?" I mean, what's not to love? Commercials.
We return to Tyra Mail: "You survived the madhouse, and now you're bound to be a success. Love, Tyra." Saleisha guesses that it's a runway challenge, and they'll be bound. It's really clever to deduce that the girls might be bound from a clue that has the word "bound" in it. The girls go and meet fashion-show producer and general gadabout Roy Campbell, whom you may remember from the infamous prom fashion show where Sarah's boob popped out. Roy tells the girls that they are going to be in a couture fashion show, wearing gowns by designer Colleen Quen. Colleen comes out and tells the girls that the challenge is not only to watch the girls walk, but see how they move in the garment with restrictions and bring out the spirit of the garment. In keeping with the horror theme, I hope the spirit of the garment then proceeds to throw TVs at all of them. I am the spirit of the garment! Trapped in the garment for 10,000 years! Feel my wrath, bitches! For it is fierce! Colleen says that she'll be debuting in Paris with her collection year, and the winner of the challenge will get to go to Paris and walk in that show. Okay, that is a serious prize. Kimberly talks some more about how she's from the sticks and was totally blown away by the whole thing. Blown, in fact, back to Ocala on a manure-tinged wind, as we will soon see.
The girls get some crazy hairpieces in backstage, and we see an actual audience filing in for the show. Wow! I'm so impressed that Tyra didn't just wrangle a couple of bums off the street and plop them down in folding chairs in the Taco Bell parking lot, per usual. Roy says that the girls' challenge is to show what Colleen envisions the outfit to be. Doesn't the outfit show what Colleen envisioned the outfit to be? Bianca says she's really going to bring it, and she has to win. Saleisha, not coincidentally, says she's also going to bring it. Well, stop talking and just bring it, then.
Runway! Roy Campbell narrates, as he is wont to do. Ambreal is first out in a dress inspired by violets. Colleen Quen takes her inspiration pretty literally, as there are fake flowers all over it. As Roy says, "This dress was inspired by violets. Handmade pompoms create a one of a kind design." Chantal walks in a straight white gown with a giant cape/coat thingy. Roy says, "Femininity at its best. This gown is simply gorgeous." And then Roy's narration really picks up when we get to Bianca: "This strapless is like the bluefin of fish in the sea. Each movement creates movement." This is what happens when you hire Miss J. and Paula Abdul to write for you. is Jenah, and Roy gets even crazier. "Imagine malted metal poured over your body, and there you have this curvaceous gown." Jenah's is impossible to walk in. Victoria looks terrified. Perhaps she has a fear of drowning as Roy narrates, "This is a waterfall and it falls oh...so...majestically." Victoria interviews that the emphasis on fashion and what you're wearing is new to her. Well, try being a citizen of the earth for once, ya big nerd.
And then there's Heather. Let's throw it to Roy again: "You know the bird of paradise flower? Handmade flowers of petal and silk create a 3-D design that will blow...your...mind." 3-D! And you don't even need the glasses! And it's a good thing, because those paired with Heather's nose would make everyone think she stopped off at a novelty store en route to the runway. is Ebony. "Colleen Quen calls this the empress dress. It's the purity of gold." Not so pure is the way that Ebony and Sarah bump into each other on the runway. And I mean, they're both wearing these giant wrap/coat thingies that are like six feet wide. This was totally not intentional. Sarah gets no narration. Roy was probably just like, "Fatty in a red dress," and moved on.
Oh, but then there's Saleisha. "You know the saying -- float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. We went back to nature." The dress is not remotely butterfly-like at all. In other news, Saleisha really wants to go to Paris. On Lisa, Roy says, "This elaborate strapless gold metallic gown is almost like...a mermaid." The key there is "almost." I have seen a mermaid try to give someone a lap dance, and let me tell you it isn't pretty. And then we have Kimberly. And even though we all totally knew that Kimberly was going home from the first interview of this episode, at least she has the consolation of getting the greatest runway narration ever. Ahem. "This tiered gown moves as you move, inspired by the earth itself, from which everything has sprung." Say it with me now: HA! But there's a little left over for Janet: "Here the forest is, in all its glory, with green feathers and leaves. Another one of a kind cou-tor-e-ay design." When you look at who Tyra's mentors and friends are, it's no wonder she turned out how she did.
Roy and Colleen judge the girls. Heather's neck was going forward, big surprise, and her posture was bad. But at the same time, she was very elegant. Heather tells us that she has a hard time with her neck for some reason, and it's very hard to keep up. Well, people with Asperger's are known for their watermelon-weight heads, so let's all cut her some slack. Saleisha could have higher posture due to her height, but did well nonetheless. Jenah couldn't walk in her crazy-ass dress, which is kind of her fault and kind of not. Bianca is a good walker, but Colleen says she'd like her face to have been softer. Bianca interviews that criticism works for her -- she takes it in and learns from it. I respect that. Kimberly was empty and soulless. Roy thinks that Ebony knocked into Sarah on purpose, which Ebony can't believe. In any case, Saleisha wins. Believe it or not, Bianca is pi-hissed. Little does she know that borderline plus-sized thighs are all the rage in Paris this season. Commercials.
Jay tells Kimberly to let go of the safety net. Kimberly tells us that some girls can be fierce and some can be mysterious, but she's just normal and wants to be a role model to the girls who just have a normal life. The FYNGOA (Fierce Yet Normal Girls Of America) must be really pissed about that comment. Jay says that Kimberly thinks of modeling as a two-dimensional art, and wants to look like a "typical" model. He really pegged that. Jenah, meanwhile, has been climbing since she was twelve or thirteen, and really rocks the shoot. Jay says she gets her body and doesn't self-analyze. See, the dumb girls always have a real advantage. Jay tells Heather to have fun with the shoot, and Matthew is in love with what she's doing. Saleisha says that Heather did amazing, and she's proud of her. Jay tells the girls not to analyze what they're doing on a frame-by-frame basis, and sends them home.
When they get home, there is Tyra Mail. Someone's going hooooooooome! And I know who it iiiiiiiiiiis! Kimberly says that she really wants to stay, and knows if she can stay, she'll learn so much more and put all her effort into it. Well, we can't always get what we want. Heather says that she hates eliminations, because you get close to girls and then have to say goodbye to them. She likes every one of them, probably because she hasn't heard the shit they talk about her when she's not in the room. Or, probably, when she is in the room. Heather tells the others that she has to work on her "walkway." Oh, Heather. Saleisha tells Heather that modeling comes naturally to her and she just doesn't know it. She adds that she takes great pictures and is gorgeous. Heather shyly smiles. Awww. And now, the Bianca quote of the segment; nay, of the episode: "I think Heather is learning a lot in this competition. She's building self-esteem. She's gonna go far, and I'm gonna have to stop her before she gets there." You know, I'm dog-sitting for a friend of mine right now, and one of my charges is a twelve-year old portly blind pug named Guinness. And he's ridiculously cute, but also ridiculously smelly and gross and he drools and snores all the time and makes noises that can best be described as unholy. He is sleeping on me as I write this, and snoring, and undoubtedly drooling in my lap. The best way I could think of to describe him to others is "adorably disgusting." And really, the term might also be fitting for a certain other red-weaved bitch that we're all growing to love, yet be repulsed by. Commercials.
When we return, it's time for judging. Tyra...is maybe wearing a shirt I kind of like. Or else it's hypnotizing me. There are prizes, there are judges. Miss J.'s hair is growing in a disturbingly Chia Pet-like fashion. Heather is first for evaluation, and her photo is great. Guest judge Roy Campbell loves it. Tyra asks a question about Asperger's, which she pronounces Ass-bur-jers. She says one of the things with Asperger's is that people who have it have difficulty making eye contact, yet it looks in her photo like Heather has amazing eye contact with someone just off camera. She asks where that comes from. Heather says when she did art, the first thing she did was the eyes, and when she drew dead eyes, she would start over. Heather knows all about the dead eyes! She is a total ringer. She's also making eye contact with the panel right now, which no one seems to take note of.
Twiggy loves Janet's photo, and says it looks like a fashion photograph. Shouldn't they all? Tyra says that, looking at Janet's film, she lacked consistency. Her great shots were luck as opposed to skill. Then there's Ebony. Tyra notes that she looks like she thinks she's going home. In fact, this is what Ebony thinks. The judges love her legs, and Twiggy says that she doesn't think Ebony should be too disappointed. Tyra goes into some boring "when I went to Paris" story. The upshot is it to have confidence, even if you fake it, and maybe one day you too will be as wildly successful as Tyra Banks! Kimberly is , and Twiggy notes that it looks like she's hit the wall, literally. It's not very good. Nigel says that Kimberly has what Ebony doesn't in person -- she's charming and personable. Tyra says that one of her favorite parts of Kimberly is her eyes and ears. Well, that's two parts. And ears? Seriously?
Chantal is , and it looks like she's falling in her photo. Tyra says that Chantal is like a more model-y, current version of Renee from last season. There are some similarities, I guess. Sarah is . The judges seem to like the photo, even if I think that her face looks jacked. Then there's Lisa, who has mad legs and an angry-looking face. Tyra notes that her face is self-conscious, and Roy tells her that models should just do it. The panel congratulates Saleisha on her challenge win, then looks at her photo. She's upside-down, which impresses the judges. Tyra tells her that she looks like the girl door, and is going to have to force her way into high fashion. Bianca's photo gets silence and then a pensive "...Interesting" from Nigel. Tyra likes the photo, even if no one else does.
Victoria is . Her photo is awkward, but in a good way. Twiggy says that Victoria has a special quality, and that she's very unusual. Victoria asks, "What is unusual about me?" Sass! Miss J. and Tyra start to laugh. Twiggy says she can't put her finger on it, and isn't sure Victoria should know. Nigel tells Victoria to try to be bright, positive and sexy. As opposed to the big nerd she touts herself to be. Ambreal's photo is really great. Twiggy says it's the first elegant shot they've seen. And then last is Jenah, whose photo is great in the body, even though she looks like she's sporting a big bucktooth in the front. The judges basically jizz all over it. Commercials.
And the Cover Girl Of The Week is...Heather! Yay!
The judges deliberate. Everyone loves Heather. Janet is dull in person, but photographs beautifully. Twiggy loves Bianca in person, even though she doesn't like the photograph. Who knew Twiggy would be a fan of the stank? Roy doesn't think she has it. Roy also thinks that the competition is too much for Ebony. He thinks her picture is great, but she doesn't have the thick skin you need for the industry. Tyra thinks that in person, Kimberly has an interesting, edgy, high-fashion face, but it goes hoochie in pictures. Tyra thinks maybe this is because she can't get the image of Kimberly's casting photo, in which she is wearing just a short hoochie black vest, out of her head. We see the photo, and I can understand where Tyra's coming from. It looks like Kimberly stole that thing from a tiny monkey.
Miss J. loves Chantal's photo, and Twiggy thinks her face is brilliant as a high-fashion headshot. Nigel thinks that Sarah's awkwardness is off-putting. Roy thinks it's an astounding photo, and the other part will be developed. He says nobody comes out of the womb perfect in the fashion industry. Miss J. begs to differ. Twiggy isn't sure about Lisa in person, but loves the photo, and thinks it's very brave. Twiggy also says Saleisha's photo is brave, and Tyra agrees that it takes a lot of courage. I have never seen such courage displayed by an individual. Hanging upside down in a harness while someone takes your picture! Just hope that someday you might have a tenth of that bravery. Roy thinks that Jenah is a great talent and he expects a lot from her. Nigel agrees that it's stunning. Ambreal doesn't have the usual look or appear to be a model, says Roy, but if you put her out there and in enough shows, people will think she's fabulous. Twiggy isn't so sure. Miss J. loves that Victoria comes for Twiggy every week. It's true! Ha. Twiggy says Victoria is out to get her. Miss J. thinks Victoria's picture is great even though it's awkward, and she's one of the girls that Tyra snuck in to make him crazy, because he didn't see it. I didn't either. I'll give a begrudging point for Tyra there.
Okay! Time to send someone home. Tyra calls the following girls: Jenah, Heather, Lisa, Chantal, Sarah, Ambreal, Victoria, Saleisha, Janet and Ebony. This, of course, leaves Bianca and Kimberly. Tyra tells Kimberly that she has some of the most perfect ears for the frame of her face that she's ever seen. WTF? That's the best compliment she can give her? And no one liked Bianca's photo except for Tyra. But Tyra's vote counts for twelve and so Bianca stays. Before Kimberly takes off, Tyra gives her ears a little tug. She needs to get help for that. Kimberly thinks she tried, even though she didn't do her best. She wants everyone to be proud of her, and is embarrassed of her pictures. If you had to go back to walking through horse crap day after day, you'd be pretty sad, too.
week: Makeovers! Someone gets shorn but good.