Oh my God, SHUT UP! No, no, not you. You keep screaming, "Oh my God, seriously?" with the rest of the world. So, okay, let me go back to the beginning. The Top Model finale remains mostly formulaic, with a few changes. Change #1: instead of filming a Cover Girl commercial and a Cover Girl ad, the final three contestants each film a My Life as a Cover Girl commercial and a Cover Girl ad. Change #2: the girls have to ad lib their lines in the commercial. This leads to predictably hilarious results for Natasha, who is amusingly incoherent on the best of days. Jaslene tries to fierce it up by throwing in a line in Spanish, and Renee scars her poor child for life. Again. The ads are all pretty good, though. And then, when Tyra had told us to expect the unexpected she totally meant it, because Renee, whom I had totally pegged as the winner, gets eliminated. Yes, this means that Jaslene and Natasha are in the final two. I like to be in America, okay by me in America, everywhere around the world, they're coming to America, etc. The land of opportunity never seemed so anorexic. So, Jaslene and Natasha get to stomp to the death in a final runway show for Australian designers Sass & Bide. Caridee is there. The theme is "evolution." So the girls have to start off walking like early man -- which, nobody ever looked that fierce in Clan Of The Cave Bear! And eventually they get more and more upright and less hairy. Except in the case of Jaslene. Natasha starts off strong and even manages to work it when her skirt falls off. However, she loses a little momentum at the end. Jaslene, on the other hand, starts off on the weaker side and gets better as the show progresses. And then, this thing happens that I don't even know how to describe. Okay, here goes: JASLENE WINS. And while I would never, ever have predicted that at the beginning of this season, or at the beginning of last season, or ever in the history of testosterone, good on her. In celebration, get your marshmallows ready for toasting, porque Paris quema.
Previously on ANTM: There were thirteen finalists, who were made to scream anytime they saw Tyra, walk though a crazy maze of lasers in bodysuits, dance with Aborigines, and participate in a Jays-led military style Fruit Camp. Some got to do pretty awesome stuff, while others threw hissy fits or got pushed in a pool by 50 Cent. But three bitches have outfierced the competition, and now one of them will be named America's Top Model. Tyra asks us a series of questions that go like this.
"Will it be Natasha, the Russian beauty and mom who started the competition knowing the least about modeling and was almost eliminated?" We see a photo of Natasha with her husband and child. Her daughter is adorable, and her husband looks less creepy than you might think. Not so their couch, unfortunately. Tyra continues that Natasha's optimistic attitude and ability to learn turned things around, and we witness her journey from clueless teacher's pet to silver-toothed hip-hop king. Tyra asks, "Natasha has improved the most, but is it enough to win?" Sadly, no. Tyra's questions almost seem sarcastic after you've watched the episode.
"Or will it be Jaslene, the Latin spitfire who didn't make the cut in Cycle 7?" And, oooh, All that old footage of Jaslene is really pretty scary. She's sort of normaled out over the course of this season, but it never hurts to look back at the freak she was. Tyra says that Jaslene proved to be a force to reckon with this time around and consistently took amazing photos, but the energetic personality that got her into the competition was fading away in front of the judges. "Can Jaslene find a way to embrace her personality without being over the top?" In other words, find a way to be a freak without being too much of a freak and you're in business. What this has to do with being a model, I can't tell you, but that's been sort of the leitmotif of this show from day one.
"Or will it be Renee, the stunning mother from Hawaii who kept her eye on the prize? She took amazing photos, but aggravated her competitors." We see footage of Renee having it out with Dionne, and then Jael. Oh, those were the times. I know I've complained about her a lot, but where would we have been this season without Renee? After being confronted, says Tyra, Renee eventually found a balance between her competitive and nurturing sides. I'm sorry, but what nurturing side? She just stopped being quite such a bitch, is all. Nigel makes a remark about Renee not being the youngest and freshest face on the block, and Tyra asks, "Will Renee find a way to retain her maternal glow while staying sexy and young?" And that is the weirdest, "Will she be America's Top Model?" question ever. I mean, what? This was the moment when I started to suspect just a little that Renee was toast.
The three finalists travel to see Jay at a studio. He is wearing a plaid shirt and looks like a Cowboy Ken doll fashioned out of sharp cheddar. He welcomes the three lovely ladies and tells them what they already suspected: it's Cover Girl Day! The day when women everywhere can get the caked-on look only lower-end cosmetics can provide. Jay tells the girls that the winner will have the ad that she shoots today featured in a "real" magazine, and that it will be seen by millions of people. And at least a portion of those millions of people will see it, say, "Huh, really?" and flip the page. Renee tells us that she's wanted to be a Cover Girl ever since she was little, and that she and her sisters used to practice the "Cover Girl Wink." Better than the Cover Girl Clap, which strikes the looser models indiscriminately. The girls will be shilling the new Cover Girl TruShine lip color, and for the commercial portion of the whole thing will actually be shooting a "My Life as a Cover Girl" spot. For the commercial, Renee will be on a boat in Sydney Harbor, Jaslene will be stepping out of a car and onto the red carpet, and Natasha will be in the back room of a photo studio. That last one sounds like it has kind of dirty "back of the bike shop" potential, doesn't it? The big kicker is that the girls will be ad-libbing the commercials, and so will have to bring their personalities or lack thereof to the task. And given the dead, stilted deliveries we've heard from every winner forced to do these commercials thus far, I am TOTALLY SURE that ad-libbing is standard practice. How else would they get such natural dialogue?
The photographer for the day is Jim "Lost In" De Yonker, who is on this show, like, all the time. The girls will be pretty much alone with Jim for their photo shoot, but Jay will be there for their commercial shoot. Jay says that they might need a little extra coaching, and then out comes CariDee, winner of Cycle 7. Oh, CariDee. She looks good. Say what you will, but the girl's got some good genes. She tells the girls that she knows they're probably really nervous, and also tired, but they should try not to overthink everything today. She adds that being your true self really helps. Or, I guess, being your TruSelf (tm), which comes in thirteen shades of you.
The girls get made up and chat with CariDee. She tells Renee that what they're going through now is easy compared to what happens after you win. Yes, you need the strength and perseverance to shoot twelve "My Life as a Cover Girl" commercials, and then quickly fade into obscurity. That can really take it out of a person, you know? Cari seems to enjoy her role as advice-giver to the three finalists, saying that it's good to hear it from someone who's been there.
Natasha's commercial shoot is first. Jay notes that there's a little extra pressure, because Cover Girl representative Brent Poer is there, and he oversees all the "My Life" spots. So today is not just about pleasing Jay and the judges, it's about pleasing a client. Brent says that the winner will have this shoot run as her first My Life as a Cover Girl commercial. Natasha, who looks really gorgeous, interviews that it's really important for her to bring it on. Jay tells her that there are a couple of lines that she has to land apart from the ad-libbed dialogue: "New TruShine lip color in sheer, shiny shades that match 97% of skin tones." Never have I so wished for a contestant with a lisp.
Take one. Natasha begins talking about her life as winner of America's Top Model in a really calm manner. Jay tells us that she wrote out an entire script, which seems like a really smart idea at first. However, it sounded like she was reading a grocery list, or the back of a bottle of TruBlend foundation. Jay tells her that they're going for spontaneity, so her script won't work. In the take, she enthusiastically yet repetitively talks about how she always wanted to be a model, and now that she's won the competition, she's a very successful model. She ends with, "Was it better?" Jay and Brent say that it was, and Natasha does a little dance of joy a la Cousin Balki. Throughout the whole thing, her posture is kind of terrible, which has the effect of making her look like a very pretty hunchback.
is Renee, who -- I shit you not -- is wearing a gold sequined t-shirt dress with an open back. She looks like Blanche Devereaux on a booze cruise. Which, I think, is pretty much her life 30 years from now. But seriously, there's nothing like gold lame and sequins to give someone the young, fresh look so coveted by Cover Girl. Renee interviews that she felt strange not having lines to memorize. She puts on the Cover Girl TruShine lip color on the boat, and I don't know if it was the waves or if Renee is just an enthusiast of the clown look, but she kind of has lipstick all over her face. Why does no one fix this? Renee starts off with a cheery "aloha," and then continues cheerily, "I had a baby nine months ago, and I thought that my life was over." That $100,000 contract will pay a lot of therapy bills for little Troy, I guess. In the commercial they'll show her packing up and leaving her tiny apartment. Before she exits, she'll pick up Troy, turn to the camera and say, "It wasn't so long ago that the hole in that condom that produced this little fella was matched only by the hole in my soul. Saddled with a deadbeat husband and a kid that I didn't want but couldn't lawfully put in the freezer, I didn't think it was possible to lead a life of glamour, much less find a concealer that matched my skin tone so perfectly. Now, I have both. Thanks, Cover Girl!"
Jay goes up to her and says, "You prooooobably don't want to say, 'I had a baby nine months ago and I thought my life was over.' It's like, you want to talk about things in a positive way." Ya think? Jay tells us that after she got this note, Renee totally turned it around. In her take, she not only manages to avoid scarring her kid for life, she throws Jay and Brent into orgasmic fits when she ends with, "Little old Renee, you know, wife and mother. I just feel easy, breezy, and beautiful." They love it, and Jay tells her it was disgustingly good.
up is Jaslene. She says that she loved her scenario, because she lives for the fabulous life. She is wearing a silver sequined top and short shorts and generally looks like a refugee from Xanadu. And the way she's wielding around her choppers as she speaks makes it look like she's going to roller skate right through your TV screen and eat you like a kabob. Jay tells her that he really needs Cha Cha to come out, and he wants Jaslene to act like she's talking to her friend about her fabulous life. Her first take was too tame for her normally outsize personality. Jay says that this is unfortunate, because today is the day that they want to see Jaslene's true self. Wait until the full moon at midnight. She does another take and throws in a line in Spanish, which Jay and Brent love. It must be better, because they call it a wrap.
And now, Cover Girl photo shoots! Natasha tells us that Caridee is teaching her how to prolong [sic] her neck. And you know, until this episode, I hadn't really noticed it, but Natasha has the neck of a football player from Pittsburgh. And I'm from Pittsburgh, so I would know. She cracks herself up during her shoot, and Jim notes that though Natasha is a fun girl and loves to laugh, she actually has trouble smiling when she's not laughing. It's like she can't fake it. That's good news for Stuart, I guess. She gives Jim a big hug after the shoot, and his uncomfortable look and awkward smile make me suspect that he just got a big boner.
up is Jaslene. She notes how hard it is to keep smiling for so long. It isn't quite so difficult to keep shining, given her silver sequined shirt. For sure. She even has to stop every so often, she says, and puff out her cheeks, just so that she can continue the arduous task of smiling. A model's life is so hard. I don't know why people can't understand that. Finally, it's Renee's turn. Jim says that she was great, but she definitely looks older than the other girls, and almost seems too mature to be starting off in the modeling industry. Well, then, it's a good thing they didn't accentuate her long-in-the-tooth twenty years by giving her a bleach-blonde mullet and dressing her like a fifty-year-old whore. Oh, wait.
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is getting the boot. Renee tells us that all of the girls did well on their shoots, so it's really up to the judges. She adds that she hopes that Natasha doesn't make it to the final runway show, because she walks like "a pigeon-toed duck with a piece of poop hanging out of her ass." She really is all class, isn't she? And this is actually why I think she can't win the competition. She's just too crass and looks like she's seen a little too much of life. I don't think that she looks old, per se. I actually think she just has kind of a bitter air about her. Her lack of freshness is not due entirely to her crow's feet, is what I'm saying. She seems like she has the type of wisdom that you wouldn't wish on someone so young. Natasha, for her part, says that anyone could be sent home, but she thinks that Jaslene is to go, because she needs to show more personality in her pictures. See, that was relatively diplomatic. Jaslene tells us that when you walk into the panel you might think you did a good job, but you really never know what the judges are going to say. With a warning to expect the unexpected, she leads us into commercials.
When we return, we are at panel. Tyra is wearing Madonna's discarded huge Blonde Ambition ponytail circa 1990, along with a particularly glitzy rhinestone shower curtain. You throw a belt on anything and can call it fashion, I guess. There are prizes, there are judges. The guest judges are Sarah-Jane Clarke and Heidi Middleton, of Sass and Bide. And hey! That's pretty big. Natasha yells out, "Oh my God!" because I think she's actually the one who knows the most about fashion. The final two girls will get to walk in a Sass and Bide fashion show. Woo! Except for the fact that it will have a really stupid theme. But more about this later.
Natasha is up first for evaluation. She is wearing a high-waisted floral skirt and black t-shirt, which is okay, but as usual, her face and hair look like hot mess. Natasha has some problems styling herself. We see her best commercial take, in which she seems really excited about the fact that TruShine lip color matches 97% of all skin tones, as well as her skin tone, too. Thank God she isn't part of that forsaken three percent! I don't know how those freaks maintain the will to live, quite frankly. She ends by looking around kind of confusedly and saying, "That's it," and cracking herself up. Tyra notes that Natasha's good and can show personality when she has lines to memorize, but she stumbled a lot on the ad-libbing. Twiggy says that ad-libbing is one of the hardest things to do, and probably even more so when English is your second language. Nigel says that certain things about Natasha -- like the way she grabs her hair and laughs -- are really endearing, and often her imperfections are what make her beautiful. Natasha's photo is pretty. Twiggy says it's not her favorite photo of Natasha, but she looks beautiful, the camera loves her (I can't believe these words came from Twiggy's lips!), and she's perfect for selling lip product. Nigel wants to see more confidence in her eyes. Sass and Bide are enjoying her perfect full lips. Overall, it seems like a so-so evaluation.
Jaslene is , wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and I have to say that she looks particularly good in this ensemble. In her commercial, she still looks like she's going to eat you through the TV screen after she screams at you for a little while. But it's not terrible. Tyra thinks that adding a line in Spanish was genius, though Jaslene's delivery left something to be desired. Nigel says that Jaslene's Cover Girl ad is very pretty indeed, and he's pleased to say that her jaw doesn't look big in the shot. And I'm sorry, but that thing has been Photoshopped to hell and back. You can tell because when they zoom in on it, her chin actually looks lumpy at the bottom and her cleft is gone. I am in possession of a strong chin myself, and let me assure you that there is no photographic angle at which it magically disappears. Sass and Bide enjoy the shot as well, and think that her eyes are engaging. Tyra says that it seemed like Jaslene was a little nervous being so commercial. She's more comfortable being fierce and fabulous, and has to find a way to be sweet and beautiful, too.
And then, finally, Renee. And I don't even know how to describe the true hideousness of Renee's ensemble to you. She's wearing a long, printed skirt and a long-sleeved shirt with the shoulders cut out, like Barbra Streisand wears all the time. And you know why Barbra Streisand wears those shirts so much? Because she's friends with Donna Karan, and also 117 years old. Way to young it up, genius. The judges watch her super-enthusiastic commercial. Tyra says that it looked like Renee really believed it, and Twiggy adds that she caught the excitement very well and spoke very well. Tyra liked that Renee's excitement was humble. Nigel asks if it was bright during shooting, and notes that Renee's beautiful eyes were lost.
Renee's Cover Girl photo is really good as well. In direct opposition to Natasha's stump, Renee looks like she has the neck equivalent of a go-go-Gadget arm. It's so long. Twiggy thinks that Renee looks beautiful, healthy, and outdoorsy. Tyra says that Renee looked the most comfortable out of all the girls, and like she was having fun. Nigel then brings up his favorite refrain -- Renee photographs old. He says that it's such a sophisticated and mature look that he doesn't know how to deal with it. Let her take you to the movies and use her AARP discount, and then you won't complain so much, Nigel. Tyra says that Renee does photograph older than the other girls, and has a certain puffiness and wrinkling, which might be from the sun. She says that the fashion industry's obsession with youth is sad, but a truth, and the minute they see signs of aging they'll move on to the girl.
The judges deliberate. Twiggy thinks that Natasha is the most beautiful of all three girls. Her facial proportions are extraordinary, and Twiggy thinks that she could be a top model because she's so extraordinary-looking. Heidi thinks that she might be missing some of the "x-factor" or natural style that's so important for a top model. Nigel says that she's such a quick study, and has gotten better and better. This is good, because what they want is someone who will continue to improve once she leaves the show. Natasha's vivaciousness and personality touch Tyra's heart, and she feels like if you give Natasha a chance, she'll take it and really make something of it.
Nigel thinks that Jaslene is amazing and spectacularly pretty, and says he hasn't seen a girl like that in a while. Twiggy says that she loves Jaslene's edgy photos, but if you looked at her Cover Girl ad, you wouldn't think that she's an amazing new top model. Tyra thinks it looks like, "Jaslene, Class of 2005," and Miss J. likens it to a Glamour Shot from the mall. Everyone is in agreement, though, that she knows how to take a fierce picture.
And finally, Renee. Twiggy says that she loved the joie de vivre that Renee put forth in her commercial, and that her picture is also the best of the week. Miss J. says that he likes the photo, but that Renee looks too mature, and that at sixty you want to look like Renee at forty. Tough talk from someone who looks like his vet outfitted him in a funnel collar to stop him from licking himself. Nigel, of course, agrees that Renee is not the freshest face. Tyra says that Renee has the height and the body, and that the other girls have the face and the "oomph." Doesn't Jaslene have the body, too, though? Poor, haggard Renee. She doesn't stand a chance.
The girls stand before Tyra. Three girls, two photos. The final two will shoot a Seventeen cover and walk in the Sass and Bide show, while the loser will rot somewhere far away from the glare of the cameras. And then, Jaslene is called first. And seriously, you could have knocked me over with a drag queen's false eyelash. Objectively, I know she's done well over the course of the whole competition, but it has really been hard to detach the ass-kicking Jaslene from the freak that she was last season. She was, like, the terrible girl that they threw in the final twenty for entertainment value. I never thought that she would do this well. But she has, so good for her.
This of course means that Natasha and Renee stand before Tyra. Tyra says that the girls have very different strengths and weaknesses. Natasha always comes into the judging room with a smile. She started weak, but got better and better. Her Cover Girl performance, however, was weak, which makes the judges very nervous. Oh, come on, "My Life as a Cover Girl" from Natasha would be categorically awesome. Renee, on the other hand, is a strong woman working with a vengeance to make life better for her family. She has taken beautiful photos from week to week, but the judges say that they've seen her face before. On the cover of More, perhaps? A lot of them keep saying that she looks older than she is. Renee has tears running down her face, less from fear of eliminated than from being called a crone, I bet.
So who goes home? Grandma Renee, that's who. Cue looks of shock from Natasha, Renee, Jaslene, and me. For whatever reason, I totally thought Renee was going to take it. I always suck at predicting who will win this show. Tyra tells Natasha that she was chosen both for her bright shining personality and her ability to take a critique and use it to improve. Renee gets a hug from Tyra and a lifetime supply of eye cream. Thanks for playing! She hugs the two finalists on the way out, then says to Natasha, "Win this for the mamas, okay?" I thought she hated Natasha? The hell? Renee tells us that she's completely blown away by the judges' decision. She had the best commercial, as well as the best picture, but apparently that wasn't good enough for them. You know, she has a point. A little bit, it was bullshit. "Apparently I look old," she says. Wow, is she ever going to have a complex about this. Renee says that she'd rather have wisdom in her eyes and thoughts in her head than be blank and stupid. Frankly, I'll take the blank stupidity over crow's feet any day. She packs up and, we are to assume, someone wheels her to her gate at the airport. At least she'll get to board the plane first! Don't forget your prunes, Renee!
Sooner than we can say, "What was the name of that ancient loser, again?" Natasha and Jaslene head to their Seventeen cover shoot. Carissa Rosenberg is there again, and explains to them very slowly that only one girl will actually be on the cover. She totally thinks they're idiots. Which, you know, she might have some grounds. Carissa shills a little for South Pole clothing, and the girls head to makeup. Jaslene interviews that she's really surprised that Natasha's there instead of Renee, and says that if Natasha wins, she'll pull out all of her hair. Natasha's hair, not her own. And given the pile of straw that's there now, this might not be the worst thing. Natasha has her shoot and explains to us that she's doing this not only for herself, but for her baby and, we're left to assume, any future babies. If she wins, she'll be happy. And after all, she says, her babies don't want an unhappy woman raising them. If so, they'd go and live with Renee. A teary Jaslene interviews that if her family were there, she knows they'd be so proud that she made it this far. But she knows that this isn't the finish line, and there's more to go. Jaslene is hungry. I mean, literally, like, for a cheeseburger. Have you seen how skinny she is?
Natasha enters her house and yells with total surprise, "Oh my God! Tyra!" Yes, Tyra is there for a little heart-to-heart. Natasha yells again with even more excitement, "Oh my God, Tyra!" and rushes over to sit by her. It's like she's finally outwitted the squirrel. Tyra asks Natasha to talk about her life in Russia. No, what we want to hear about is Natasha's life here. Sigh. I guess we are never to know the real deal. Natasha says that her mom couldn't afford to put her in a university, and so she moved to Moscow. It was a huge city, and she didn't know anyone, and there were times when she didn't have anything at all. See, Natasha's had hard times too, as well as a baby, but she still retains that sort of soft, youthful quality. Tyra asks what Natasha's biggest challenge was in the competition, and Natasha says that she was always worried what the other girls thought of her, because she wanted to be friends with them. Tyra asks if she thought they were angry because Natasha emigrated from Russia, and this competition is called America's Top Model. Natasha says she doesn't think so, because America is a melting pot of nationalities. Far. She's been traveling far. Without a home. But not without a star. "I am an American, and I feel myself as an American," says Natasha. Natasha doesn't want anybody else. When she hears "This Land Is Your Land," she feels herself. Tyra tells her to relax her neck and relax her mouth, and she'll do just fine.
And then it's Jaslene's turn for a tête-à-tête with Tyra. Tyra takes us back to the Season 7 finals, when Jaslene's name wasn't called as one of the final thirteen. Jaslene says she was just wondering what she did wrong. Didn't she fail her psych test? Tyra asks what Jaslene did to prepare to come back, and Jaslene says that she worked on building her character. She was always about satisfying everyone else, and not herself. She realized that she would have to go to therapy to build herself up, love herself, and then come back, only to have all that work torn down the first time she thought, "I think I'll see what people on The Internets are saying about me." Jaslene tearfully tells Tyra that this has been a life-changing experience. This is it, she has been telling herself, and it's finally time to let go of her past. WHAT PAST? They have really told us nothing about the dark sordid histories of these two finalists, and frankly, I feel cheated. Jaslene says that she stands so strong now, and she thanks Tyra for that. With a hug, this special episode of The Typrah Winbanks Show comes to an end. Enjoy that lingering feeling of warm fuzzies, because you won't get it again until September.
Natasha and Jaslene head to a big warehouse space being set up for their final runway showdown. Here they meet Jay, and see for the first time the makeshift rickety bridge that will be their runway. It sort of circles around the perimeter of the room, and Jaslene notes that she's a little worried about walking on it. Were there only a shark-filled moat beneath, the viewing audience might be able to muster up a little more excitement. J. Alexander walks the runway just to prove that it can be done. Jay then tells the girls that the really exciting thing about the show is its theme. I hope he's not trying to say that it's better than "Ghost Brides," because I don't think it's possible for anything to out-fashion that. Okay, unless it's "Evolution." As if this show needed to give middle America another excuse to write a letter. I was hoping that the girls would have to come out as, like, protoplasm and lemurs to begin with, but in fact, they are jumping forward and beginning with "early woman." This means that they will have to begin the show as if bipedalism were a newfangled phenomenon, and then get more upright with each pass on the runway. Caridee will lead off the show, presumably to remind us not to set our expectations too high.
Backstage, Natasha says to Jaslene that the runway is tough, and that in addition to focusing on strutting, you have to be careful not to fall. Jaslene interviews that she's not letting Natasha get to her, because you never know what strategy she might have. Oooh, the strategy of polite small talk. Beware! It is the hallmark of sinister bitches everywhere. A made-up Natasha tells us, "I'm very different from The Jaslene, because she is more fierce and I'm more exciting and fun." I love that Jaslene has achieved such stature in Natasha's mind that she gets an article before her name. Or maybe it is keeping in the tradition of other notables such as "The Loch Ness Monster." Who knows. The Jaslene then says that her nerves are running high, but she's ready to get out there and do what she does best. Impress others by planting seeds in the cleft of her chin and showing off when they sprout days later? I didn't know they had time for that.
The audience for the show fills in. Tyra, wearing a long printed and bedazzled caftan, goes backstage to wish the girls luck. Tyra says that Jaslene has to remember to be strong but not drag-queen-ish, and Natasha has to remember to be strong but not stiff. She has the girls give her a high five, then presumably leaves to have a drink at the Regal Beagle with her husband, Mr. Roper, before the show starts. With the fashion show beginning momentarily, we cut to commercials.
When we return, Jay tells the models, who have lined up, that he wants some fierce Amazon women. Natasha is like, "I did not know that I could sell myself on internet with free shipping over $25. Agency in Russia took commission." Both girls are nervous and excited. Caridee does indeed start the show off and walks not unlike, well, a ghost bride. The models are all wearing pelts and animal horns and that sort of thing, and I expect Darryl Hannah and Pebbles Flintstone to make their entrances momentarily. Jaslene and Natasha make their first pass, and...I don't know, the whole concept is so dumb. It's really hard to tell how they're doing, though we hear Tyra say that Natasha is working it. ["This happens to me every time. I have no idea who's doing well until one of the judges tells me." -- Miss Alli]
On the pass, they get to walk like normal. Natasha heads out, and tells us that she didn't hear anything, because she was focusing so intently on her walk. She looks okay. However, there is an incident. Natasha's skirt is falling off. And I have to say, she just works it and keeps walking, and when it falls to the ground, she steps out of it. I am amazed that she didn't trip. She says that she was ashamed, but she never showed emotion on her face. Nigel notes to Tyra that it almost looked like it was deliberate. Well done! Jaslene is and walks her skinny self down the runway. She says she was looking at all the judges in the audience, and the whole thing was surreal. So far, both girls have been kind of so-so on the catwalk. Not awful, but nothing to make RuPaul proud, either.
Backstage, Natasha is having some problems getting her clothes off and on, and Jay has to send another girl out in her place. When she's finally ready, she heads out in a really pretty dress that, quite unfortunately, makes her look totally dumpy. Seriously, she looks short and squat and no-necked. And she has one dead arm, and one that's swinging like a pendulum. But no matter. Natasha still thinks she was the best out on the runway, and says that she doesn't have to scream and shout or cha-cha that she's the best. If she's confident in herself, people will know. Jaslene heads out, and she tells us that she brings fierceness to the runway, and Natasha doesn't. On this particular pass, she seems to have a point. She looks a lot sleeker, too, even if she's wearing parachute pants. All the models do a finale walk. This is also led by CariDee, who is seriously a terrible walker. Natasha looks a little tired and devoid of spunk, whereas Jaslene holds her head up high. At the end the girls pose on and around a bunch of ladders -- which, way to go for the expensive props, The CW. And with that, we are out.
There is much celebration backstage. Mr. Jay says that it's one of the craziest shows he's ever called, and Tyra comes back to congratulate the girls and tell them they worked it out. Natasha interviews that she thinks she rocked the runway show enough to win the competition. She adds that she's American, and her family is American, and by winning, she would be a role model to millions of girls who feel like strangers in this country, with its spacious skies and amber waves of grain. And now I ask that you excuse me for a moment. I need to go out and buy a little flag to put on the antenna of my car -- Today! Today! Today! -- and then I'll continue with the recap. Jaslene interviews that she's the Latin spice of the competition. She brings some flavor, and is the edgy girl. She says, "I'm not your girl door, but I'm your girl down the block, in your hood." And now I ask that you excuse me for a moment again. I need to go out and buy The Club to put on the steering wheel of my car. But first I might have a tamale.
And then, we are at panel. Tyra is wearing...oh, God. It's like what Nell Carter would wear if she were a dominatrix. In heaven, of course, RIP. It is perhaps the most hideous and unflattering thing Tyra has even worn, which, given all those years shilling for Victoria's Secret, is really saying something. We all know that Tyra can look gorgeous. Why she chooses to do look gorgeous so rarely is a mystery for the ages. Jaslene and Natasha enter, both wearing lovely dresses. See! There are nice dresses out there, Tyra! Go buy one! I could not instantly tell who was going to win from their styling. Natasha's hair makes her look squatter than ever, but Jaslene's makeup looks like it came straight from the wax museum, so it's really a toss-up. And I know that a lot of people have said that Natasha looked as if she put on some weight. This might be true, and it's possible that she could use some good toning, but I think part of it is that anyone would look mammoth standing to Jaslene. Plus, the neck. How could I not have noticed her lack of neck until now?
There are prizes, which I'll mention one last time. A contract with Elite, a six-page spread and cover in Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. There are the regular judges, plus Mr. Jay. Natasha gets her individual evaluation first. Tyra thinks she was really beautiful on the runway when she came out as early woman. Ms. J. says that she had a great, controlled, confident walk. Jay says that, even with the craziness backstage getting her outfitted, Natasha pulled it all together when she stepped on the runway. Twiggy notes that Natasha even lost her skirt on the runway and dealt with it amazingly, and Nigel says that he thought it was meant to happen. For him, though, Natasha lost some of her initial intensity toward the end of the show. It's true.
Jaslene is . Jay starts off by saying, "Your legs, you spread them out really, really wide." O...kay. Nigel thought she looked like she came from the beginning of a James Bond movie. Her pass was okay, but not particularly strong, and it looked like a church fashion show. As the show went on, though, says Jay, she built her performance. Twiggy says that when Jaslene gets strong, she can get very powerful, and that she looks extraordinary on the catwalk. Nigel liked that she looked like a winner, and like she thought she already had it in the bag. Natasha came out like that originally but lost it, while Jaslene didn't start with it but ended with it.
We then go through some of their photos from the season. On their first photo shoot, with the political statements, Jaslene excelled while Natasha blended into the woodwork. Jaslene also excelled at her high school stereotype, while Jay says that Natasha's was one of the most painful shoots he's ever endured. But Nigel says that she was trying, and the judges noticed her will and desire to learn. Both of the gender-switching photos were great. Jay says that Natasha had the entire room rolling with her hip-hop dude. Twiggy thinks it's amazing that Jaslene really looks like a guy. Has Twiggy ever seen Jaslene before? Both girls did well on their sexy men's and women's magazine shoot, though Tyra notes that Jaslene didn't bring her customary fire to the set.
Tyra asks the girls if there's anything they want to say before the judges deliberate. Natasha says that she's thankful that the judges gave both girls the opportunity to prove that they could do better, and adds in Russian that she's happy that girls with accents made it to the final round. Oh, she's just so cute. Jaslene says that this has been a life-changing experience for her, and she feels so proud of herself. She adds in Spanish, "Thank you for this opportunity." It's like a regular Model U.N., but Ban Ki-moon was never this fierce.
The judges deliberate. Twiggy says that Natasha is one of the funniest people she's ever met. Ms. J. says that Natasha has a great face, and Mr. Jay agrees. Nigel is interested in Natasha's ability to be a quick study, and says that she has a great future. Jaslene started quite strong, says Nigel, but hasn't really improved. Jay thinks that just means that Jaslene started in the competition with more ability. He says that Jaslene's journey was from crazy bee-yotch to sophisticated lady. Twiggy thinks that Jaslene's photos are some of the best out of all the girls. Jay says that Jaslene is an amazing editorial model, but Tyra asks if she can be commercial. Jay doesn't think so, but Nigel thinks she can. "Even with the chin?" asks Tyra. Even with the chin, says Nigel. When you have a new model, she can break the mold. Twiggy loves that both girls aren't the norm. Nigel and Twiggy both think that Jaslene was better on the runway. Tyra thinks that Natasha was better, and Ms. J. says that Natasha fizzled at the end. Tyra says that she loves them both, and asks what they're going to do.
And then, it's time to find out. The girls return, and Tyra tells them that part of what the judges love about them is that they come from such strong cultures. They are the epitome of what America's Top Model is all about, and what being an American is all about. And that is the ability to whore and humiliate oneself for even the most fleeting chance at low-rent fame, despite the lack of any discernable trace of talent. I, myself, have never felt so patriotic. With the fruited plain behind her, Tyra says that these two have some of the biggest hearts and souls -- and, for that matter, chins and heads -- that she's ever seen standing in front of her. But they feel that one girl is stronger, and, as the winner, will make them proud. And America's Top Model is...Jaslene!
Jaslene busts out her deaf voice (and that is courtesy of Rich at FourFour, so don't send me the mail) to thank Tyra, and cries. Natasha actually looks kind of relieved, and graciously hugs Jaslene. Jaslene then hugs Tyra, and apparently cracks her back in the process. Did you guys hear that? It was a definite crunching sound. Natasha tells us that this was a great experience and she loved every minute of it, but now she's just so happy to go home and see her family. And that's good. I love Natasha, but I can see why Jaslene won. I don't think she's as pretty, but she's a better model. Plus, it takes away a little of the sting from the cancellation of The George Lopez Show. Jaslene tells us that every little girl has a dream to be something. Her family believed in her dream as much as she did, and she's overcome so much to be there. Including, we see through photographic evidence, being kind of a homely kid. She brings up the fact that she didn't even make it last season, and here she is, which makes me afraid for the number of rejects that we'll be seeing again in the future. Sigh. In any case, Jaslene is fierceness and spice and everything nice, and I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot of her. Unless they decide to do away with the My Life as a Cover Girl spots season, in which case, it was nice knowing you, kid!
Thanks to everyone for reading, and for all the nice comments along the way. Have a great summer, and remember to prolong those necks while you're at it!