The Girl On The Cover

The girls return to find out their fate. Nik is the first girl called and lets out a big sigh. She thanks the entire panel. Bre and Nicole step forward to hear who gets sent to the losers' lounge. Tyra tells them that neither of them delivered in the Cover Girl commercial. One of them has done consistently well, while the other started weakly, but that her photos are now "burning beautifully and brightly." I guess we now know that when Tyra says, "I have one photo in my hand," she means that she has actually set the other one aflame. Tyra says, "The girl that will be joining Nik, and that will be a finalist..." There is a big pause, and Tyra starts to pull a photo from her hand, and then we cut to commercials. I think I actually screamed "BITCHES!" at the television when this happened. ["I know I did." -- Wing Chun]

And just when you are on the edge of your seat with suspense, we get Naima's boring-ass wrap up of her life as an alleged Cover Girl. She calls this time in her life "amazing," and does so with what I think is a subtle yet suitable sense of irony. She says that she learned what beauty is, and to her, that is loving herself. Dude, they totally let her write her own lines. I would say that's their first mistake, but then I remember all of their crap products. She says that Cover Girl is a home. A pasty, waxy, greasy home, but a home nonetheless. I mean, I don't know. Spend the extra $2 and upgrade to Revlon, is all I'm saying. Naima says that if she could do anything, it would be what she's doing right now. There is a slight pause, but just before you can interject, "Absolutely nothing?" she says, "Enjoying life. Being a Cover Girl." Oh, thank goodness we are done with these.

When we return, Tyra finally pulls the photo out of her hands. Nicole is the second finalist. She tears up. Tyra tells Nicole that she can't freeze in the final fashion show. While this is all going on, Bre takes off her high heels and puts on her glasses. And while some see this maneuver as symbolic of Bre being herself again, and some see it as a calculating ploy, I see it as an utter lack of dignity. Stomp out of there like you're -- dare I say it -- fierce! Stomp out of there like you're the second baddest bitch in America rather than the third! Don't give Twiggy the opportunity to call you Shorty Shorty Four-Eyes behind your back! Bre hugs Nik and Nicole and leaves, looking every bit not a model. She says she's disappointed that she didn't win, but that she's glad to have made it so far, and that she came a long way. She says, "They took this little black girl from Harlem and took her to London to model. She ain't never been out of the country." Oh, I can't help it. I do really like Bre. And sometimes I like her even better when she's all crazy and evil and shit. She says that life is full of disappointments, but that her path can only go up from here. She might want to take a look at some post-show photos of Season 4's Michelle making out with Jonny Fairplay on some random third-rate red carpet and then reassess that statement. Bre's photo fades from the group montage.

A subdued Nicole and Nik hang out at the hotel, basking in their glory. Nicole says that it's awesome to make it to the top two, because she has one more chance to prove that she has what it takes to be America's Top Model. Nik interviews that she doesn't know if she and Nicole are actually friends. She says that they're two different people, of two different ages, at two different places in their lives, and that they don't have much in common. Nicole puts on gag glasses with a big nose and mugs for Nik, who does not laugh. Nicole asks what Nik's problem is and tells her to have a sense of humor. Nik says that she does have a sense of humor, Nicole's just not funny. That is a subtly awesome comeback. Nicole interviews that Nik is a bit more reserved, while Nicole's not afraid to embrace her inner dork. And you have to love that too. Why do I all of a sudden like everyone? It's really bad for business. Nicole dances around and Nik finally laughs.

Tyra Mail! Nik notes that it's probably the last one. It reads, "You can't tell a book by its cover. Or can you?" Oh, God, please don't tell me they'll be forced to read aloud! THE HORROR.

The girls go off to their task and meet Jay. He tells them that the training wheels are coming off. He's not going to be there as the girls do their photo shoot for ElleGirl magazine, which will be shot by Gilles Bensimon. See, you know once the real shoots start coming up that these sponsors are like, "Hell to the naw, that orange man is coming nowhere near my set." Jay says that whoever wins the competition will have her work grace the cover of ElleGirl in February 2006. Oooh, I can't wait! I love a good magazine for teens. Brandon Holly, the ElleGirl editor-in-chief, tells the girls that they both need to act like this is their cover. Nik says that she feels confident that she can get a successful shot without Jay around. If I were her, I would be even more confident about getting a good shot without Jay around. Nik says that his job is done, and that it's their turn to take what they've done and put it to use. Nicole says that although she squeaked through the last elimination, she's keeping her spirits up and believing in herself. She has that kind of dumb confidence that works well for models and other people whose talents lie in their genetics. I think it will take her far.

Nicole and Nik step into the studio, where they see Tyra being photographed. From the waist up, she looks like she is wearing a muumuu. Tyra welcomes the girls and introduces them to famed photographer Gilles Bensimon. Nicole says she's freaking out that they're finally getting the chance to work with him. Tyra wraps her arm around Gilles's shoulder. She is about a foot taller than he is. She says that Gilles is a very big practical joker, and that when she was seventeen years old and modeling in Paris, she handed her portfolio to him and he replied in his French accent, "You are the ugliest girl I have ever seen in my life," and then booked her the day. I do not see what the joke is. But in any case, I do not like Gilles Bensimon. First of all, he looks like he walked off the wall at Sardi's. He also gives off a total Polanski-esque "'Ello, little twelve-year-old girl! Come sit in my hot tub and show me your portfolio. Oh zees? Zees pill I am giving you is just a vitamin. Wash it down with some sparkly apple juice and let Uncle Gilles give you a pony ride on his knee!" vibe. He's an creepy old perv, is what I'm saying.

In any case, the girls are doing the photo shoot with Tyra. Nicole is feeling the pressure. As he shoots them, Gilles says, "No kissing each other, please." There he goes with the reverse psychology again. Also, creepy old perv. He positions Nicole by touching her shoulder, which is also gross. Nik says that Nicole is a beautiful girl with lots of potential, but that she's trying not to focus on that, and instead is concentrating on making herself shine and bringing her personality out. Gilles continues to shoot Tyra and Nicole and tells them to pretend to love each other. He goes up to Nicole and says, "I'm going to touch the winner now." Nik interviews that hearing Gilles say that Nicole's the winner kind of throws her off. I think she should just be grateful that he's not touching her.

, Nik poses with Tyra. She says that her goal is to win, and that she has to show Tyra that she's confident. Gilles yells out, "Love that!" Nicole says that it's intimidating to be in the final two with Nik, because she's so beautiful and has improved all throughout the competition. Gilles shows that no one is immune from his creepy old man touch and strokes Nik's face, saying, "She's a winner." Nicole does not like that. Nik and Tyra pose, and Gilles says, "Love that. Love that. Love that." Just, ew. Nik says that Gilles is playing games. He asks Tyra if he's the one that makes the decision. Tyra is all, "You're on my payroll now, bitch." Nik and Nicole get a big round of applause from everyone and take their leave.

Then, we get a quiet and reflective moment with each of our finalists as they gaze at what I'm going to assume is the Thames. Nik says that she didn't just wake up one day and decide to try modeling. Rather, she's been trying to model since she was a little girl. She says that it's exciting and weird to think that it might happen. A teary Nicole says that she's never felt like she was number one, and has never had the one thing that makes her stand out. This, she says, has been her dream forever. We are to assume that she means modeling, but I actually think she means "Being better than my sister at something." Making it this far, Nicole says, you want to win so badly because you're so close. Commercials.

When we return, Jay greets the girls in the location where they will strut in their fake, made-for-TV runway show. He says that they'll be walking with working professional models, including past ANTM winners Eva and Naima. Eva and Naima, wow! This is really a fashion show of some stature! Jay tells the girls that, while they walk out, there will be projections of them saying Shakespearean lines. Content to leave no sacred thing unmarred, this show will even bastardize the Bard. Nik says that it will be exciting to see themselves on a jumbo screen. I have no fear of looking at myself, but that is, like, my greatest nightmare. It would be like a magnifying mirror times 20,000. Shudder.

Jay says that to get the super-sci-fi walk they'll need for the runway, he brought in "Miss Thing" J. Alexander, who I hope goes back to enjoyable small doses in Season 6. Jay says that the girls will need to do a very fast walk with wide strides. They go into hair and makeup backstage as the "crowd" for this totally authentic fashion show fills in. Nik and Nicole are a little nervous, and are both trying to focus. Nicole says that she's originally from a small town in North Dakota, and that the different world that she's been exposed to on this show is the world where she truly fits in. In another room, Eva and Naima get made up. Naima actually looks pretty. Pigford, not so much. Naima asks if the girls are nervous, and then tells them that they can transform that energy into something powerful on the runway. And hey, that's actually somewhat good advice. Eva tells them that this is their last chance, and that they should give it their all and not walk away regretting anything. Her nostrils flare, so we know she means it.

Before the girls walk on the runway, they go to meet with Tyra one last time. Nik says that she's never been so excited and so terrified at the same time, and I would actually feel the same way if I were locked in a tiny room with Tyra, especially if she's read the recaps. Tyra gives Nik one final chance to say anything she wants before she takes the runway. A teary Nik says that she's never felt so blessed and so proud of herself, and that although there were some people in her life who thought she'd do well, they never really believed in her. Nik says that, for the first time, her father is really proud of her. She thanks Tyra for that. Dude, this is so messed up. I just want to take a moment to thank my parents for actually loving me and being proud of my accomplishments, great and small, throughout my life. Except that they don't actually read these recaps and I KNOW IT'S ONLY ONLINE BUT WHY ISN'T ANYTHING I DO EVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? Excuse me for a minute while I call my therapist. Nik says she can feel in her heart that she's America's Top Model. Tyra says Nik should remember that she's there because of her (Nik, not Tyra). Nik thanks Tyra, and they hug.

In her one-on-one with Nicole, Tyra notes that, at the auditions Nicole said that she was always second best to her sister. Nicole says that now she feels like she has something of her own that she's good at and can be proud of, and that feels good. She starts to break down a little as she tells Tyra that she wants it so bad, and that modeling is her passion. Tyra gives her a hug, and it is finally time for the runway show.

We are greeted with more audience shots, including some freaky-looking people for extra added authenticity. Tyra tells the girls that the show is hard because they have to run down a long runway, but that she doesn't want them to go so fast that they lose their strut. She wants them, quite predictably, to work it. Nicole interviews that she's extremely nervous and worried that she won't show the judges and everyone what she can do. If that's the case, there's a chance, she says, that she won't become America's Top Model. The girls line up backstage as Tyra is escorted to her seat. She has some weird 1940s hairdo going on. As we see more shots of the crowd, it becomes clear that they're, like, fat guys in polo shirts. But whatever. I'm just glad that these girls weren't given the opportunity to ruin a real runway show. The Twig, Nigel, and Miss J., who is wearing his stupid flower corsage on a hat, look on.

Naima is first on the runway and, dare I say it, she looks pretty fierce. The Shakespeare projections are stoo-pid, though. I bet they were Jay's idea. (See, now that I said one nice thing about him, I have to be extra-mean in other areas.) Nicole has a mark on her back that the makeup artist has to touch up. She interviews that she was stressing about it, but told herself to work it out. Wow, I was on the edge of my seat with that crisis! She finally goes out, and I must say that she looks great. She walks in that blank, disaffected way that models do, and really knows how to wear a shapeless yet slinky dress. She says that, while she walks down the runway, she feels a huge surge of adrenaline, and feels like she is the center of the world. The earth's core is all, "I could school you, bitch." We then see Nik walk, and she sort of swishes and bounces. Nik really does have some serious breasteses. She says that it feels amazing because she wants to be on the runway and to be America's Top Model, and that this is the time for her to do it. Or, not.

There is pandemonium backstage. And I should note that the audience for the show can see all the backstage action in shadow, because it is backlit as the models change and whatnot behind a white screen. I would think that would be very distracting. Nicole says that everyone is throwing clothes everywhere, and that she's looking hot and loving it. Eva then walks wearing some sort vest-ish fur hoodie that falls down mid-runway. When she strikes a pose at the end she pulls it back up, because she is a pro. Eva has gotten just a touch thick. Nicole comes out again, still looking great. She says that everyone at Panel always says how sweet and innocent she is, so she wanted to project something different and show them her wild side. Smart move. is Nik, who is gorgeous but still bouncy. Oh, Nik, stop with the bouncing! I'm afraid it will be the end of you. More Nicole, who says that she was trying to bring something different to the runway at every pass, and really worked it out the third time around.

And then as we pan out to show the judges watching the girls, who do I see in the background but one Mr. Djb, best friend for the ages, former recapper of this very show and current employee of ANTM. Who apparently was...in London? Interesting.... But even the Djb sighting and related string of questions about this mysterious "trip to London" are quickly overshadowed by Nik's breasts, which come sashaying down the runway in a slinky pink gown. Lawd. She says that this competition could make her a supermodel, and that it's a blessing for her just to be there, but that it would be an even bigger blessing to win. Djb looks unaffected by this proclamation. We see side by side footage of Nik and Nicole walking down the runway, and I have to say I'm torn. Nik is so amazing-looking, but Nicole just seems so modelesque. Who will it be?! I mean, obviously I know now, but upon my first viewing I have to say I had absolutely no idea. It's a good final two.

The show is over. Nicole loved being on the runway, and Jay tells her that she rocked. He also tells Nik that she was serving it. She says that she's confident and happy, and that she didn't have that before. Nicole says that Nik's awesome, and that she really respects Nik as a model, but that she feels that the competition is for her, and that she wants to win now more than ever. We cut to commercials, where we learn that Nik was voted Cover Girl of the Week. Hey, at least she won something!

We return to the final judging, Nik still in her boob dress. Tyra tells them that they've come such a long way, and that so many girls would like to be in their place, but that they're there because they've both done an amazing job in the competition. But, Tyra says, there can only be one America's Top Model. Oh, I don't want anyone to lose! They both look so pretty. God, what is wrong with me? Janice left and I got all soft. I need to tell someone, "Die, motherfucker," but quick. Tyra reviews the prizes: a contract with Ford, a spread in Elle, a cover of ElleGirl, and a $100,000 Cover Girl contract.

It is time for the individual evaluations of the girls' performances on the runway. Nigel was floored by Nicole, but Miss J. says that she doesn't know what to do with her hands and tends to slouch a bit. Twiggy says that when Nicole came out, Twiggy didn't recognize her, because she looked strong and strutting rather than her usual romantic and soft. Tyra was a very proud mama, but would like to see Nicole look a bit more pissed. Twiggy says that Nik looked amazing, but that the walk was a little bit bouncy. Tyra says that she agrees, and that the walk took away from the strong high-fashion effect. Nigel says that Nik looks incredible, but that the jiggly walk was not a fashion walk. Miss J. just says, "It was a bad walk." Nik knows she's screwed. Tyra says that it reminded her of her era, when girls had a signature walk. A bad signature walk.

It is then time to review the girls' portfolios, both of which are impressive. We see superheroes, country couture, and the fashion witch. Upon the girls' Vargas shots, Tyra says that Nicole has a booty like a black girl, and Nik says "I'm jealous" in such a cute way. I, too, have developed quite the booty, which my co-workers Miriam and Tyanne spare no opportunity of mentioning to me. Both Nik and Nicole have superb photos from Tyra's black and white shoot, and have successfully mastered communicating with their eyes. Then there was The Wild Boyz, Bollywood, and the Cover Girl shoot. Tyra says that both girls managed to be commercial but modelesque on that shot, which was impressive.

Tyra gives the girls one last chance to say why they should be America's Top Model. Nicole is grateful, and has grown to be bigger than she knew. Nik says that she'll be happy no matter what happens. Nik is crying, like she knows she's already lost. Oh, I've never been so sad to see a dream crushed! No, I mean really. I'm normally very dead inside.

The judges evaluate. Nigel says that Nik was a model from the beginning. Miss J. loves Nik, which is mysterious again, because he never showed any great appreciation for her before. She's a bit bouncy for Twiggy. Nicole, however, isn't, and Twiggy loves her. Nigel does too, and says that Nicole has improved week after week. But, Miss J. asks, will she crack under fashion pressure? Twiggy says that she'll cope with it better than would Nik, who is a gentle soul. I might kind of agree with that. Tyra gives the bullshit thing about Nik giving the same pose -- albeit a fierce one -- week after week. Sorry, but they already said they fixed that. Miss J. says that Nik has an amazing body, and Tyra agrees that it's sick. Nigel says that Nicole is a chameleon, and that makes a model. Miss J. says that Nik looks good in anything and can sell some lingerie for sure. Twiggy says that the decision is very hard. However, the judges have finally made up their minds.

The girls return to discover their fate. I'm nearing my deadline, so I'm going to cut to the chase, here: Nicole wins. She looks stunned, but probably isn't. She screams and yells and looks like a big Osmond-esque dork. It's kind of charming. Tyra gives a sad Nik a hug. Nik really wanted to win, and is sad that she didn't. But enough about sadness. Let's move on to the happy times! Nicole says that she was the girl who never got much attention, and now she's a Cover Girl and a Ford model. We see Nicole get on her knees at casting, and I must admit that back then I didn't think she was that pretty and in no way called this. Wing Chun, however, did, as I'm sure she would have told you in a parenthetical if I hadn't mentioned it. ["I thought it was Nik for sure before the episode started, but changed my vote after Bre got eliminated. (Nice try preventing me from interjecting. I will not be silenced!)" -- Wing Chun] More excitement from Nicole, who says that she's grown not only as a model, but as a person, and that this is the beginning of something great for her. Or, more likely, something mediocre. But hey, no more Naima! Celebrate good times, come on!

: reunion show! We can only hope things get really nasty.