Perennial favorite Simon Doonan shows up to teach the girls about the four current trends in London fashion and amuse the home audience with his clever bon mots. The girls must purchase outfits in each of the four styles, all of which they will wear (but not at the same time) for their hilarious go-sees. Bre forgets her book and Jayla sucks, so all is right with the world. Nik wins the challenge, and also my heart, when she proves herself to be fierce in the realm of "take that, you skeezer" mind games and chooses Nicole over Bre for the runner-up prize. Nik and Jayla, sick of all the drama, decide to pair up for a day exploring London, leaving Bre and Nicole to tear each other to bits. Sadly, they make amends instead. Bitches. Prior to their Bollywood-themed photo shoot, Bre feels ill, and so Jayla, being helpful as usual, gives her Benadryl. Yes, the "do not operate machinery because you will wreck it in your sleep" Benadryl. This adds one more layer of disadvantage to Bre who, because of her challenge performance and lack of friends, only gets fifty frames on the shoot and isn't allowed to look in the mirror. But it doesn't matter, because Jayla is finally given her walking papers. She displays her customary grace and good nature when she exits, saying that it's her goal to make the eventual winner look like nothing. See you at Hot Topic, you stupid, stupid bitch.
Previously: something about a granola bar. Also, Kim was eliminated. Four girls remain!
And now, gentle readers, I must veer off-topic for a moment and let you know that my friend Matt and I still need a band name. We're a little bit country, and a little bit rock n' roll, and nameless. We have whittled down the selection of potential names and now entrust you, fans of Television Without Pity, to make the final decision. Unless you pick something that we don't like at all, in which case your vote counts the same as, like, Twiggy's. But anyway, see the poll to the right!
It is night. Nicole confessionalizes that she thought Bre would be eliminated, but instead, Kim was. She says that she doesn't trust Bre because of the stupid shit she's pulled. Well, the "stupid shit" might be a bit of editorializing on my part. Flashback to Nicole's confrontation with Bre, in which Bre refused to pay for or replace Nicole's Red Bull. Nicole is very sad that Kim was eliminated, and will miss her in the house.
The morning, Bre and Jayla hang out in the hotel room. Bre says that she's tired of people taking her stuff and being inconsiderate. Jayla interviews that Bre and Nicole are upset at one another, and that it's all over "a frickin' granola bar." She says it in a way that demonstrates she is fully appreciative of the stupidity of GranolaGate. Bre cries a little and says that nobody there sees her as a good person, but that she is a good person. To which I say, bullshit. She is maybe a mediocre person on her best days. She says with an evil-looking grin that she knows Nicole disliked her before, but now Nicole hates her. And if that is the case -- which it kind of is -- you can't really blame Nicole. Bre interviews that her position in the competition has been tarnished, and all over a stupid granola bar. At least she realizes the dumb-asshishness of the whole situation. She says that she knows she's wrong for not apologizing, but that she guesses she just doesn't care. And that's because she's hardheaded. And speaking of hardheaded, thank you to everyone who emailed to correctly identify the bitchy twig lady whose name I couldn't remember in my last recap as the estimable Miss Hickory, and for reminding me that her head was made of a nut -- hence the literal hardheadedness. And how awesome would it be if a squirrel stole Bre's head, just like what happened to Miss Hickory, and she had to look for a new one? Except then maybe she'd find an actually modelesque one and win the competition, which would be totally unacceptable and maybe even against the rules, on account of it not really being her own head. Anyway, I digress. But Miss Hickory is fierce!
Bre says that she doesn't know why she's still there. You and the free world both, sister. Jayla kind of wonders the same thing, and says that she stopped trying to figure things out when Lisa went home. She confessionalizes that she's extremely confused by the entire competition. And just when you think she's going to show some self-awareness and say, "because I deserved to go home before some of the other girls," Jayla blurts that she's done consistently better than some of the other girls in the final four, and doesn't understand why they're ahead of her now. Ass. Jayla says all that matters is that she's still there and has another chance. But not for long, sucker!
Tyra Mail! But this time, each girl gets her own Tyra Mail. Quelle twist! Bre's reads, "Gear up for school. Find out at 7:00 AM. Dress the part: preppy." Nik's says, "From every twig a fashion movement grows. Dress the part: mod." Nicole's is, "East is West at 7:00 AM. Dress the part: Bollywood." The girls do not know what Bollywood is. Jayla reads aloud only, "Dress the part: punk." The first part of that was totally, "We want to expose you for the poser that you are."
The girls struggle with their dress codes. Nicole is still bewildered about the meaning of "Bollywood." Bre hates the preppy look. Jayla says that she is a punk, so she can just throw some clothes on, and she's good to go. Oh, sweet hubris. Nicole tells Nik to be sure and wear her sunglasses, because that's mod. Nik says that she doesn't think she's the only one who's nervous right now.
The girls go to Carnaby Street, where they meet a tiny elfin man who any fan of ANTM can immediately identify as the irrepressible Simon Doonan, creative director of Barney's. Yes, it's the very Simon Doonan who put the phrase "ho style" on the map, and he's going to teach the girls the history of London fashion. He asks if any of them are familiar with Carnaby Street. Crickets chirp, and the Top Model crew really needs to find another sound effect to express dim-wittedness. It's not their fault, really. It's just that the models are so dumb that any sound indicative of "dumb as dirt" is bound to be overplayed. Simon tells the girls that Carnaby Street was the epicenter of the 1960s London fashion explosion. The girls are going to be tested on what they learn about London fashion. Simon tells them that if they're lucky, they can end up as models on Carnaby Street; if not, they might wind up with the hookers down in SoHo. Jayla gives a silent "Yippee!" Simon insincerely says, "Just kidding."
The girls enter an exhibit about the various ideas that are driving British fashion. Simon explains to the girls that Bollywood is where Indian movies are made, and that it's all about excess, color, and sequins. We see a few Bollywood movie clips. He asks who was instructed to dress in the Bollywood style, and Nicole -- who is clad in a black shirt and jeans -- admits that it was she. Simon gives her a colorful sari to wear. She says that she's not sure how to wear it, and asks Simon for help. He just looks at her. She wraps it cape-style around herself and says that she never does the right thing. Simon goes over and wraps it around her neck like a scarf. It's so big that it looks kind of funny.
is the preppy look. Simon tells the models that the preppy girl is snotty, rich, and looks down her nose at everybody. In other words, it's kind of a Cassandra/Kim meld. Simon adds that the preppy look is about sweater sets and pleated skirts. Bre has also failed miserably in her style challenge, and Simon says, "No offense, Bre, but a crotch-length denim skirt is not the last word in preppy attire." Okay, this is the best game of Simon Says ever. He is just the right mix of sophistication and vulgarity. Simon interviews, "So many models today walk around dressed like hoochie dancers, and they need to be a little more conservative than they usually are." I want Simon saying "hoochie dancers" over and over again to be my cell phone ring.
, Simon welcomes the girls to the angry, crazy, maniacal world of punk. He says that punk was actually very violent, and that there were girls wearing garbage bags and safety pins through their cheeks. Then, the best thing happens. Simon asks who was instructed to dress punk. Jayla, with smug satisfaction, raises her hand and we get full view of her denim Capri pants and Chuck Taylors. Frightfully punk! Simon says, "Oh, it's the Japanese schoolgirl on the end," and laughs, because even with no context, he knows his audience. Jayla, however, does not laugh. Simon tells her that her look is a bit "prissy punk," and interviews that Jayla was a complete disaster as a punk. To this I say, "Ha!"
it is time to go stark raving mod. Simon says that he knows a lot about mod, but that there's someone who knows a hell of a lot more than he does. Hmmm. I wonder who it could be, and I have absolutely no clue, given the gigantic poster of Twiggy behind him. He introduces "the creator of it all, the epicenter of mod," Twiggy. ["Somewhere, Mary Quant is like, 'Uh, HELLO?!'" -- Wing Chun] Twiggy emerges, wearing a newsboy cap, and looking particularly "Olivia Newton-John chic." Nik interviews that she knows she's a mod failure, which is particularly humiliating since Twiggy is also a judge. Twiggy says, "Oh dear," at Nik's look. Twiggy says that any girl can be mod, and notes that the great thing is that original mod clothes are available if you forage in secondhand shops. She actually says the word "forage," as you would do for nuts and berries. She tells the girls to think big bellbottoms, mini mini mini-skirts, tiny little jumpers, and flat chests. As an A-cup, I love mod.
Simon and Twiggy tell the girls that it's time to hit the road, because they have four go-sees, and for each one, they have to dress in the designer's corresponding style. For PPQ, they'll be mod; for Robert Cary-Williams, they'll dress punk; for Ashley Isham, they'll dress Bollywood; and for Ben Sherman, they'll be preppy. The designers will evaluate each girl on her knowledge of style, her general appearance, and her portfolio. They each get £150 to shop in Spitalfield's Market. Twiggy voices over in an exceptionally fake, recorded-after-the-fact way that the winner of this challenge will get a hundred frames on her shoot; the more frames you have on the shoot, the more chances you'll have to impress the judges. Nik says that all of the girls are having panic attacks, which I think is better than the razor blade attack from Bre they fear while they sleep.
The girls head to Spitalfield's Market, which is basically a big, cheap flea market. Nik holds up a shirt and wonders if it can be worn as a really short dress. Yes, if you're a whore. Nicole has trouble finding clothes. Jayla asks a merchant what is the smallest size he has for a particular shirt and he deadpans, "Small." See, sometimes you don't even need the cricket chirps. Bre can't find pants, and interviews that it's not working out for her. Jayla says that she couldn't find anything that would fit the prescribed styles, and so is going to be pressed for the competition. The girls get chauffeured separately to their go-sees, and change in the cars. There's one quick shot of Bre in her bra, and you can totally see her underwear because of her hoochie dancer skirt. Nik says that she has four outfits, but doesn't know if they're covering any of the style bases. Jayla says that it was no big deal to get dressed in the car. Nicole says that she's a bit crunched for time, so she has to keep it moving. On that particularly puzzling note, we head to commercials.
When we return, it's go-see mania! Jayla stops at Ben Sherman first, and is wearing the same denim capris she interpreted to be punk, but this time mixes them with a kitten heel and striped t-shirt. She meets Ben Sherman rep Sarah Feeney, who is probably not related to Shirley Feeney, but nonetheless lusted after Carmine Ragusa. And if anyone could make a woman out of that nasty cur, it is totally the Big Ragu. Feeney points Jayla to the Heritage Line that's been picked out for the models to wear today, and as she gets a pair of "skinny leg" jeans for Jayla to wear, what do we see on the wall but a crotch-length denim skirt! Oh no! I guess it is the last word in preppy attire after all. Sarah Feeney tells Jayla that her striped shirt looks more "naval" than preppy. As Jayla walks in what is admittedly a hideous vertical-striped jacket, Sarah mumbles and writes, "Not preppy at all. Not at all preppy." Jayla says that the designer at Ben Sherman is stuck-up, and she's actually being pretty kind there. The woman is a straight-up bitch cocktail. She opens Jayla's portfolio to her black and white photo and sighs,"That's awful." They should put her on the panel.
, Nik walks into PPQ wearing the bright striped shirt/dress that she picked up at Spitalfield's. One of the PPQ folks asked if she made it, and she says no, she picked it up at a flea market. She does wear some sort of short black skirt or biker shorts under it, so as to prevent any unnecessary hooch sightings or accusations of whorishness. She explains that she was going for a mod look. PPQ rep Amy Molyneau says her first impression of Nik was that her dress was quite bold. I can't determine whether "quite bold" means "striking" or "ugly as hell." It might be a bit of both, actually. Nik can't figure it out either.
, Bre goes to meet Ashley Isham, who barely weighs more than Ashley Olson. Dude is seriously skinny, with the world's most oddly-shaped head. He sits down with Bre and asks for her portfolio. She says that she's so sorry, but that she left it in the car. She also is not wearing anything remotely Bollywood. Ashley interviews that he was shocked that Bre would come to a go-see without her portfolio. Oh, Odd Head, I have a tale of granola to tell you. He says that Bre has an amazing face, but needs more self-confidence. Nik passes Bre on her way to Ashley Isham, and Bre says she's failing miserably at modeling. First being a decent human being, now modeling. What is even left for her to fail at?
Nicole goes to Ben Sherman, which is kind of like feeding a kitten to the wolves. Sarah Feeney asks if Nicole was going for the preppy look, and then says she's doing kind of avant-garde fashion. Nicole interviews that she was not feeling Sarah Feeney's vibe, and doesn't feel like Sarah Feeney was feeling her either. That is exactly what Boo Boo Kitty would have said. After Nicole leaves, Sarah nasally mumbles and writes, "Not at all preppy. Not by any country's interpretation of preppy." She's like Janice Dickinson, but without the heart. Chew on that one for a while.
, Bre goes to Robert Cary-Williams, punk designer and maybe-member of The Village People. Bre starts to do her horsey "signature walk," and RCW tells her to stop, because we've been seeing that all over the bloody place. She re-walks and he says, "perfect," and "excellent," and I am sad because I wanted her to fail again. Damn Bre for not being bad at everything!
, Nik goes to Ashley Isham, just so his weird head can freak us out once more. She looks very Bollywood, and Ashley says that the way she put her colors together was fantastic. Nicole says that even though she isn't a punk person, she was feeling the dress at Robert Cary-Williams, and that he really liked her walk. She is pleased. Jayla says that she really needs to step it up, or she could be going home. From your lips to Tyra's ears, my friend. Ashley Isham likes the way Jayla put things together, and asks if she has a pair of shoes to go with the look. She says that the ones she is wearing are the only ones she brought. Ashley can't believe that Jayla, as a professional model, wouldn't bring her own high heels. Take it easy on the "professional model" bit, sir. They might start getting ideas. Jayla's walk is kind of horrendous. Ashley says that she's too stiff and needs to work on the walk. He says to his assistant, "It's a bit of shame. Pretty girl but not right for us." I love that the captioners translated "bit of shame" exactly as he said it.
The demoralized girls all meet up and walk together, and Nik jokes that today none of them won the challenge and are all failures.
The girls head back to Ashley Isham's boutique, where he is going to give them the designers' critiques and announce a winner. He says that the designers thought Nicole looked the best, while Nik was the most professional. Jayla interviews that she has a pretty good walk, and we cut to Ashley saying that she was the worst runway walker. Ha. Bre's general appearance was least appreciated, and her photos were not strong, but she was very, very good at taking direction. Bre, knowing even in her pea-sized brain that this is not really a compliment, interviews sarcastically that she can't dress but can take direction, and gives a big thumbs-up at the end. She sounds exactly like Eva Pigford when she says this, and it makes me want to study hatred of Bre...more. On a side note, given all we've seen of Eva these days, don't you sometimes look back and think Yaya was right? Yeah, I said it and I'm not proud.
Anyway, the judges unanimously agreed that Nik was the winner. Yay! She looks pleased. Ashley tells her that she gets a hundred frames on her shoot, and she's got to choose a friend. And then, the best thing after Jayla's non-punk ass being exposed for the fraud she is happens: Nik picks Nicole. Yes, you heard me right. A little slapping noise should accompany this, because, damn. Nicole gets eighty frames, and she knows that this is an advantage. She gets to pick a friend , and quite expectedly picks the person remaining who did not dump her Red Bull down the drain. She interviews that she hates Bre, so obviously she picked whoever was not Bre. That would be Jayla, who gets sixty frames. Last but not least is Bre. Ashley says, "You get..." and Bre snots, "Five frames." Ashley looks a bit taken aback, but says, "Fifty frames." He also tells Bre that she will have to go first, and can't see herself in a mirror prior to the photo shoot. She continues to be pissed in the Pigford-esque way that I can't stand. Nicole says, "Whatever," in an interview, but kind of laughs in a way that makes us know she thinks Bre got her due. Personally, I think Bre should have gotten only one frame, but what can you do.
Back at the hotel, Nik asks Bre to buckle her dress. I actually expect Bre to stab her, but this does not occur. A towel-wearing, bespectacled Bre confessionalizes that Nik has never wronged her, and in fact has been side-by-side with her since the girls came to London. Nik says something about needing to get the straps of her dress shorter because she has big boobs, and again, it's not a smart move to have Bre where you can't see her. Nik confessionalizes, "With the whole Red Bull scenario, and the Red Bull story...I don't even know why it was done. I think it was childish and I think it was also evil." See, I just love her. Flashback of Nicole confronting Bre about the Red Bulls AGAIN, which is no "Bitch poured beer on my weave" and thus can probably stop being shown twice an episode. Nik then says the best thing: "Even though it looks like me and Bre are extremely close, I know that she is supposably [sic] 'keeping her enemies close,' and what do you think I'm doing?" A silent "bitch" lingers in the air to accompany the audible "supposably," as Nik heads to the liberry.
, Nicole says that the girls were told to pair up in two groups and go see London. Nik and Jayla conspire to go together. Yeah, go figure. Jayla interviews that Bre and Nicole are really pissed at one another, and that she and Nik are stuck in the middle. Nik says that she just wants to have a good day with no fighting and no drama. Jayla interviews that if either of them goes with Nicole or Bre, they'll just hear about the granola stupidity all day. I can't blame them, even though they are both stupid, stupid bitches. Jayla notes that Nicole and Bre will be furious. Nicole approaches Nik and Jayla and is told that they want to go together. Nicole asks, "Are you serious?" Nik tells Nicole not to look at her, because she feels a little bad. Or is pretending to feel a little bad, more likely. Hey, after her supposable friendship with Bre has been uncovered as a ruse, I put nothing past her. Nicole says, "You know that's whack," and what she doesn't know is that it's Whack-a-Mole day. And man, does that mean the right side of Nik's face is in trouble. Commercials.
Oh my God, and then Naima's life gets even more pathetic. She says that she has some of the girls from the coffee shop over. She calls them "the fashion club," and says that they discuss fashion, hair, and -- you guessed it -- Naima's self-proclaimed specialty, "May-kupppp." It's like a Mary Kay house party, but with worse product, if you can believe it. And I'll bet Naima doesn't even get a percentage of the profits. I can't wait until the season is over, because these commercials are making me extremely uncomfortable. Though, who am I to cast stones, because my "My Life As a Recapper" spots would go something like this: Press play. Type furiously. Pause. Rewind. Watch again. Mumble, "What the fuck is Miss J. saying?" Repeat.
We return to a rehashing of the pairing-up-to-go-see-London débacle, which I'm sure was in no way facilitated by the producers to manufacture drama. Nicole says that she didn't really want to hang out with Bre. Bre -- who suddenly and mysteriously has an awful lot of bangs and poker-straight hair -- interviews that Nicole wasn't even looking forward to breathing to Bre. Well, that's because Bre sweats ammonia.
Jayla and Nik set out on their walk, and suddenly it dawns on Jayla that some of the shit-talking she did earlier might one day appear on the television. In a display of total damage control, she tells Nik that she had some problems with her early on in the competition, but that she got over that. She says she just wanted to say that before Nik started hating her. Flashback to five weeks ago, when Jayla said that her feelings for Nik were severe dislike bordering on hate, and that she hoped Nik was eliminated. Nik says that it's okay, and that she didn't come on ANTM to make friends, nor to make enemies. She came there for an opportunity, and what happens happens. I hope that Nik changed her mind when she saw the "stupid, stupid bitch" confessional and now wants to beat Jayla down. And maybe it will happen on the reunion show, which, by the way, I am so excited about! Nik says that it's a dirty world, and that everyone's there for themselves. Nik takes Jayla's clearing of the air as a sign of maturity. Nik is totally misguided.
Meanwhile, Nicole interviews that she's sure that Bre is nervous about going on a walk with her, but that she doesn't think Bre wants any more drama because she's made too much of a fool of herself already. Nicole suggests stopping for wine, and Bre says that would be nice. And, as with most situations, the wine brings about a peaceful resolution. Until you drink too much of it and start talking to plants and shit. As Bre pours the wine, Nicole says that it was stupid to argue over energy drinks, and that the situation went out of control. Bre says that it was wrong, and that if the shoe were on the other foot, she would have reacted the same way Nicole did. She adds that she probably wouldn't even be talking to Nicole right now, and all this goes to show that Nicole is mature, and Bre is a wench. Well, that's the general gist of what she says. Bre says she was working off anger and emotion instead of thinking logically. Nicole says, "What's done is done," and Bre says that she'll buy Nicole a whole lot of Red Bulls and put ribbons and bows on them. I'd like to know if that actually ever happened. Nicole says that she's glad she and Bre went out together, because she doesn't want to live with someone with whom she has so much drama. She and Bre walk home arm in arm, and Bre agrees that it was good that the two of them had time to sort things out, and that Bre had the opportunity to say she was sorry.
Back at the hotel, Nicole tells Nik that she and Bre worked things out. She then awesomely says, "To tell you the truth, I didn't want to be with Jayla either." Nik cracks up.
Tyra Mail! "You never know who'll be judging you. Will you be sari tomorrow?" Nicole says that she doesn't know what it means, as always. Um, I think the "sari" reference might be a clue.
The morning, Nik goes to Bre in bed and asks if Bre has a fever. Bre interviews that she's dreading the photo shoot because she has a fever and a migraine, and that it doesn't get worse than that. As an added bonus, she appears to have cramps. She sips tea in bed and looks kind of miserable.
, we see Bre and Jayla riding in a car, presumably to their photo shoot. Bre has her head on Jayla's lap. She interviews that Jayla gave her some medicine, which made her super-duper-drowsy. Dude, those were pills of Jehovah, the secret ingredient in the door-to-door pamphlets they distribute! Congratulations, you are now one of the Jacksons. Bre adds that the pill also made her migraine worse.
The girls enter a studio where the meet Jay Manuel, who is tangerine-hued and wearing a shirt unbuttoned to there. And by "there," I mean his orange belly button. He says that he's sure they've heard of Bollywood, and adds that Bollywood films are known to be larger-than-life, with ornate costumes and lots of color. The girls are going to have a Bollywood-inspired photo shoot with lots of extras, and their challenge is to stand out in a crowd. Jay asks who won the challenge, and Nik raises her hand. Oh, like I'm so sure he didn't know that. Jay tells her that she'll go last and get a hundred frames. Down the line through the girls until we reach Bre, who goes first and can't look at herself in the mirror. Jay notes that she has everything fighting against her today.
Jay says that they know their photographer, but may not know his personal reasons for wanting to do the shoot. With that, he introduces Nigel, who comes out in his customary striped button-down shirt. Jay says that Nigel was supposed to do the whole Bollywood thing, and unbuttons Nigel's shirt further to reveal a hairy chest. Nigel says that Jay's been waiting to undress him for days. I wouldn't doubt it. Nik laughs nervously because she, too, is a homo, but doesn't want anyone to know. Nigel says that, finally, they get to work together. He tells the girls that his mother is Sri Lankan, and his father is English, so Bollywood (and what it means to the English) is very close to his heart. We see some photos of young Nigel, one of which appears to have him posing with Saddam Hussein. Also, he was really hot when he was younger and had hair like Lorenzo Lamas. Never thought you'd see those two dignitaries within one sentence of each other, did you? Nik says that she's nervous to have Nigel as their photographer, because he's a judge on panel, and if you impress him, it can be good, but if you don't, it can be damaging.
The girls get made up. Stylist Rob Talty asks Bre, who's kind of slumped over in the chair, if she's sick. She nods, and he says that he doesn't want to hear it, and that she should pretend to be healthy. That is the best advice ever, and I am not kidding. Jay comes to check out the situation, and Bre tells him that she keeps getting fevers and migraines. Jay asks if she took anything for it, and Bre says that Jayla gave her some Benadryl. Rob adds, "And some Tylenol PM." At first, I thought he was kidding about this, but now I'm not so sure. But if that's true...like, it has "PM" in the name, and will set you adrift on memory bliss like some other similar titled things. Cut to Jayla, who isn't acting offensive in any way, which paradoxically makes her seem all the more evil. Jay talks to Bre and says that whoever gave her the Benadryl was trying to screw her up, because she is draggy and exhausted. Nigel comes to see her and tells her to save all of her energy for the set, and that once she's done there, she can fade and die. He actually says "die" which, given the context, I find not only refreshing but a sensible instruction. Straight-banged Bre interviews that it just so happens that not only is she sick, but that she also has the whole fifty frames/no-looking-in-the-mirror thing going on.
Nigel shoots Bre. Not literally, but wouldn't that be great? Bre, I must note, is standing in the center of a crowd of extras who are sitting. Nigel yells, "Make Bollywood happy!" which is totally also what he yells in the throes of passion. Jay says that Bre could have used the extra fifty frames. Bre says that it was hard having all the disadvantages against her. Bre goes off and sleeps in a corner.
is Jayla -- who, I must add, is standing on the side amidst a crowd of extras, several of whom are standing. I mean, she's still a terrible model, but I have to report what happened. She interviews that she's just going to keep doing what she's doing, because the more she listens to direction, the more nervous she gets. Well, that's a good strategy. Jay imitates the flat, boring expression Jayla keeps giving, and says that he doesn't think you can step out into the world with one expression. Unless you are Nicole Kidman and your face is actually frozen. Nigel says that Jayla is a very pretty girl and looks amazing with makeup, but that he didn't feel like she was having fun with the shoot. Jayla interviews that she got the same comments on her photo shoot as she always does, which probably means that it sucked. Well, then, try improving for once, you stupid, stupid bitch.
is Nicole. She is centered and sitting, and the extras in front of her are sitting lower, with a few people behind her standing off to the side. Nigel says that he didn't think Nicole was going to be as good as she was, but that she really stepped up her game. He adds that the competition is all about stepping up your game. Jay praises Nicole and says that it was her best shoot ever.
, Jay tells Nik to give him something pretty, face-on. He says that she had a hundred frames, but didn't even need them because she was gorgeous from frame one. She does look amazing. And with that, the photo shoot is over.
Nicole interviews that the girls are going out to dinner. Nik says that it's her first time in an Indian restaurant. She adds that she's looking forward to new things. The girls are seated, and a familiar-sounding voice asks if they'd like to hear the specials. It is Nigel, who is going to dine with them, along with his Sri Lankan mother, who was also a model and brought her family to England with the money she made modeling. Gillian Barker comes out, and she is lovely. She says that this is a real treat for her, because she gets to spend some time with Nigel. That is so like a mother to put a guilt trip like that on national TV. But hey, at least it's not Mama Banks.
Nigel's mom tells the girls that she was born in Bombay and started her singing career at fourteen, and won a modeling competition soon afterward. She tells the girls to follow their hearts, and to learn as much as they can, because that will stand them in good stead. She then teaches the girls how to wear saris. Straight-haired Bre says that she's definitely paying attention, because she has a feeling this will come back later on. The girls bid Nigel and his mother goodnight.
The girls return home to Tyra Mail, which they read in unison. Someone is going home. Jayla would be comfortable with her standing in the competition if she knew what was going on in the judges' heads. Nicole says that she never feels comfortable in the competition, probably because the judges always have arbitrary bullshit excuses for which girl they send home. Bre emphatically asks, "Why am I still here?" Dude, no idea. A regular-haired Bre interviews that she made it to the top four and may not be there tomorrow, but that she's the fourth baddest bitch in America, and ain't nobody taking that away from her. Oh, tell it to Nature Valley. Commercials.
When we return, Bre says that she has been dragged through the dirt in eliminations. A series of flashbacks shows us that she has been in the bottom two three times. She says that she's the underdog in the competition, and that she doesn't know if she's going to win the competition, but that she deserves to. I don't know about that, Mister Sister.
Tyra welcomes the girls to Panel and says that it's time to make the ninth cut. Prizes, judges. Jayla is wearing a shirt that makes her look neckless. J. Alexander is wearing a bindi. The guest judge is Barbara Hulanicki, designer for Biba, who looks like Carol Channing, complete with cataract glasses. This is not an exaggeration. Tyra says that Barbara single-handedly put mod on the map. Barbara Hulanicki also put frightful on my television. ["And Mary Quant is like, 'Come on, you guys -- seriously.'" -- Wing Chun] Tyra tells the girls that there is an item in the back that has inspired London designers, and that the girls have three minutes to take that item and update it to "mod-dern fash-ion." The item is, of course, a sari. The girls strip and such and deck themselves out in the saris.
Nicole is first up, and her sari is a mess. Nigel says that it looks like she fell in the curtains, and Carol Channing agrees and busts into a chorus of "Hello Dolly." Nigel says that if she turned around and there was a bare back and a little butt cleavage, then it would be good. Hmm, maybe I should name my band "butt cleavage." Tyra asks Nigel why he's so horny, and he says, "Well, you know." On Nicole's photo, Twiggy says that she's photographed beautifully throughout the entire competition, and that she's very photogenic. Miss J. says that he doesn't see any intensity in Nicole's picture, and I have to say that I'm in agreement on that one. I think Nicole's photos are usually fantastic, but this one isn't doing much for me, particularly considering the tongue bath Jay gave her earlier. Tyra 100% disagrees, however, and says that Nicole has never had so much range in her shoot. Tyra says that Nicole betta work, and that she's proud of Nicole. Actually, she says, "Mama is proud of you" but I think that's a little weird, so I didn't want to repeat it.
Bre is , and Twiggy says that her sari looks most traditional. Nigel says that it's not modern, but rather very straightforward, but hey, that's Bre. Tyra notes that Bre has no shoes on. She introduces Bre's photo by saying that she has to stand out from the crowd. Twiggy says that, actually, her eye does go straight to Bre, and I would argue that that's because all of the other women in the photo are practically making a circle around her and she is standing dead center. Really, there's no other place your eye could go. Twiggy says, "You got it, girl" and is momentarily proud of her fake American accent. Tyra tells Bre that because she's shorter than the average model, she has to make her neck look long, which she did not do in this shoot. Tyra also says that Jay reported that Bre wasn't her normal self, and that she shouldn't take a Benadryl prior to a photo shoot because it makes you tired. Well, duh. Bre says that she thought she had allergies or a sinus infection, so one of the other girls gave her a Benadryl. Miss J. says, "You let another girl give you a pill? Your competition? You let your competition give you a pill, girl?" The judges all laugh, and Jayla looks uncomfortable.
Nik tied her sari in the most unique, modern way, according to Twiggy, and Nigel agrees that she looks beautiful. It's gorgeous, and Twiggy loves the way Nik's neck moves. Barbara says that, for her, a photograph is all about the eyes, and Nik's eyes are fantastic. Tyra notes that Nik was the challenge winner and got a hundred frames, and says that her film was absolutely beautiful. Nigel says that Nik didn't need that many frames. Miss J. asks why everybody's seeing a great photo but he's not. Shut up, Miss J.
Jayla is last, and Tyra notes that her sari makes her look dumpy. Barbara compliments her on the gorgeous colors, and Tyra says that she's being a good mama and trying to give her baby something positive. Is Tyra with child or something? God. And, poor kid. I imagine the spawn of Tyra coming out of the womb wearing a bad red weave and chomping on a chicken nugget. Jayla does not stand out in her shot, for obvious reasons. I mean, just let her fail on her own. She'll do it! And it's your stupid fault she's there in the first place. Stupid show. Miss J. says that Jayla didn't pop, she pooped. Jayla says that she had trouble maneuvering around the extras, and the panel tells her that she should have knocked them out of the way. Tyra says that Jayla should have said, "You're my backup dancers, so back up, bitches." Barbara -- showing more pluck than we're accustomed to from a British lady -- says that Jayla should have given them a Benadryl. Oooh, Biba just started a forest fire with that amount of burn. Jayla exits and is secretly pissed. The judges begin their elimination as we head to commercials.
Meanwhile, Nik was voted Cover Girl of the Week.
Deliberations. Twiggy says that she' a bit thrown, because Bre didn't photograph well in the competition, but has photographed beautifully in the last few weeks. Nigel says that the competition is all about growth. Miss J. says that Bre is growing, but not in height, and that she's never going to get any taller. Tyra says that Bre is a girl who should never take off her shoes, and in fact should sleep in high heels. Just like Tyra is a girl who should sleep in a girdle.
Miss J. is conflicted about Jayla, but thinks she was very weak today. Nigel says that, by herself, Jayla is stunning and has classically beautiful features. Biba thinks that she's a goddess, and gorgeous. I think Biba is nutso. Tyra thinks that Jayla has shrunk in terms of confidence, and is wondering why she's still there. Tyra says she believes in Jayla so much. I guess Tyra hasn't seen Jayla's confessionals yet.
Nigel says that Nicole lit up the set on the photo shoot. Miss J. still doesn't see it. Tyra says in an exaggerated British accent that Nicole is pretty and gorgeous and takes a lovely photo. And, that's it.
Biba says that Nik is the beauty of all time and is going to be a superstar. Nigel says that she's lacking sex appeal. Tyra says that she takes a good picture, but that professional models all take good pictures. Nigel says that's the challenge, to have an extra something special that tips the balance. Twiggy says that's why it's getting so tricky now.
The girls return. Bre stands to Nicole and is a head and a half shorter, despite her big hair. Nicole is called first, and then Nik. Jayla and Bre are instructed to step forward. Bre started off rough, and couldn't take a fierce picture to save her life. But she has progressed, improved, and absorbed the whole experience like a sponge. But the one thing Bre is lacking, says Tyra, is height. Well, the penultimate episode of the season is a fine time to notice. Also, she is lacking a lot more than that. Meanwhile, Jayla has vivacious, strong, and has a great personality. Again, that is according to Tyra and does not reflect the views of this recapper, Wing Chun, or TWoP. Tyra says that something happened to Jayla, and that she doesn't believe in herself anymore. The judges can see the doubt when she walks in the door. Funny, because I really can't. Tyra says that top models aren't short, and that they don't doubt themselves. Oh for God's sake cut the fat and get rid of them both. But alas, Bre stays. In the fakest voice-over ever, Tyra says, "Bre, to compensate for your lack of height, you need to be more striking, and that much more personable," as the camera focuses on Tyra's hand holding the photo. In a completely different tone, Tyra then says, "But we see a little something special in you." It is the remnants of a Benadryl. Bre is still in the running, and Whore-la is sent home. It's sweet justice, about nine episodes too late.
Jayla says that she's disappointed and has always tried her hardest, and feels a mixture of sadness and surprise. We see her portfolio, and really it's not that good., with the exception of the Whistler's MILF photo. She says that she's going to shadow the winner and make her look like nothing. That's her goal, she says. I hope her fade into obscurity is faster even than the norm for this show.
The final three return home and celebrate their status. They all want to win. I want one of two of them to win.
: the final episode! Cover Girl commercials and runway shows will ensue, per usual.