Previously: Lisa loved rolling around in the mud, and not just proverbially, and strangers inexplicably kind of liked her. Kim tried being a lady for the first time with great results, and Kyle was given walking papers (and not of the fierce runway variety). Six girls remain! Bitches, all.
It is night, and the girls return home from their elimination. They find some "Kyle Mail." Awwww. It's not original, but it still makes me miss her. Kim says that reading it might make her cry. The note is double-spaced and in a third-grader's scrawl, with little stars at the top. I still draw little flowers on the envelope when I send mail, so I cast no stones. Kyle tells "all [her] girls" that she loves them and is sad to leave, and wishes them the best of luck. There is more than that, but I'm sure it's something like "I truly hope that the one who is crowned America's Top Model will use some of her winnings to finance Lasix surgery for Mr. Bojangles. If not, I will pay for the surgery myself in Reese's Pieces." Kim cries in the confessional and says she knows that Kyle will be okay, but that she's not sure if she'll be okay without Kyle. Way to think of your friend's welfare. We see a few candid shots of Kim and Kyle on the wall, and in at least one, Kim appears to be copping a feel. She says that the house is so lonely for her without Kyle, and that she doesn't think she'll do well without Kyle at all. Yeah, until another one offers up her lesbirginity at the mighty altar of Ms. Gender Ambiguity. We'll see how long it lasts, is all I'm saying.
Meanwhile, Bre tells her mother to pray for her. We get to relive Bre's latest jaunt into the final two, and she says that, in the five weeks, she's living every day like it's her last in the competition. Her mother tells her to be positive and be the best that she can be -- no more and no less. Bre interviews that she's not going to quit, but rather will take every moment and use it to her advantage. I know she's spunky and all, but I don't quite get while she's still there.
Lisa prints out photos from the girls' digital camera. She says it's not cool how the other girls keep erasing photos of her, so she's printing them out. Wow, that is really kind of sad. Jayla looks on with a lack of concern. Lisa says that, slowly but surely, she's becoming more of a threat to the others, and that since the group has become so small (literally and not in the sense of "petty," although there is that too), people are getting insecure. No, Lisa, they just don't like you. Lisa pins up a photo that she obviously took of herself while holding the camera an arm's length away. It's like the people who do that with their Match.com profiles -- as my girlfriend says, "Don't they at least have ONE friend?"
Tyra Mail! "Have you ever thought what it would be like to be a diva?" The girls do not take long to put two and five feet six and three-quarters inches together and realize that this means they will meet Miss Eva the Diva, winner of Season 3, who once charmed us and soon became a nuisance. The girls, especially Bre, are way too excited. Like, I'd understand if they were meeting Santa Claus or something, but seriously.
“ Eva introduces her entourage, who are with her all the time, and have still not made her get along with other people. ”
The day, the girls travel by limo to the aptly named (if you have seen any recent shots of Miss The Diva) Poodle Parlor. There Eva poses on a chair wearing a long-ish, straight wig. Nik says, "We walk into, I guess, a photo shoot." "I guess," indeed. Bre says that she has admired Eva since the season she won. That is a hell of a way to waste a year of your life. Two ladies from the ubiquitous Elle Girl explain that Eva is doing the shoot for them and wearing some bohemian pieces by DKNY, the industry leader in bohemian. The girls watch Eva admiringly, and Kim says, "Oh my God, she's so cute. You just wanna...kiss her." Nik saunters up to Kim and puts her arm around her shoulder and says, "Ditto." It has gone from warm to bi-furious in no time at all! Also, see the note about Kyle at the end of the first paragraph. They tag team in saying, "Deliver us...from Eva." Lady-loving and original! Who could ask for more?
Eva pretends to be a model for a while longer. Kim says that Eva has been the most successful ANTM winner, so all of the girls want to watch her. Eva says, "Hello, pretty ladies," and tells them that she once stood where they stand, and knows what they're feeling. She knows what Kim's feeling, especially. With typical eloquence, Eva quoth, "You're here at work with me today and you get to see what the life of a Top Model winner really does [sic]!" Unless, of course, she comes down with a sudden illsness. She tells them that when they work, they'll have an entourage around them all the time, and so it's important to get along with other people. She introduces her entourage, who are with her all the time, and have still not made her get along with other people. One of them is her cousin. Eva tells the girls that they might consider getting a really good manager, and says that they are now commodities. Nicole says that it drives her to know that she could be standing in Eva's shoes one day. She calls Eva an inspiration. Buddha, Gandhi, Pigford.
Eva then whips out her requisite tiny dog accessory and takes a few questions. She says that traveling is the greatest benefit of her job, along with meeting new people. I can agree with the first portion of this maxim, as I am now editing this recap from sunny Vieques, Puerto Rico, where I could give a hang about actually meeting new people. Spare me the extra homo sapiens and give me the beach! Eva says that she can smell that Bre and Nik -- her two sistahs in the corner -- have some questions. Bre says that it's a lot harder than it looks, and makes some remark about how Tyra and the panel have stripped her down. Not a question, but okay. Eva says that the judges are looking at the world's standards of beauty, but that the girls need to create their own standards of beauty and parlay their window of opportunity into what they want to do. I feel so gypped that no one asked one single innuendo-laden question about Missy Elliott. Jayla says that Eva made winning the competition seem really worthwhile, which only means that Eva is a good liar.
Bre asks where Lisa went, and Nicole says that she's putting on a show, per usual. Lisa is, in fact, chatting with the crew, who are eating lunch. She interviews that in this business, you have to work fast, hustle, and network. And really, you can't blame her for wanting to talk to people other than the Feeble Five. Kim dozes and Jayla yawns while Nicole gives a blank look. Lisa says that she'd love to sit around and be boring like the other girls, but the truth is that time's-a-wastin'. Literally, in her case, since she is 104. She rubs the bald black man on the head for luck. A genie does not pop out. Back in the full group, Nik, Kim, Nicole and Bre huddle together while Jayla and Lisa stand on the outskirts. Someone says that she likes the group, and Lisa adds an enthusiastic "Me too!" Nik gives her the hand and says, "No, we don't like you, Lisa." Ooooh, burn. Also, the dislike of Lisa must really have progressed to advanced stages if they're saying this to her face. Lisa interviews that a lot of the girls are hating her at this point, and that she is "going to be" friendless. She gives a look that falls somewhere between sad and dumb.
Back at the house, Lisa pours herself a glass of wine and decides that she's going to break the air of intensity that has befallen the house by dressing up in crazy costumes. Because everyone loves a clown, except for those who have scary dreams about them. Crazy costumes ensue. She's wearing a brown wig and big scary fake teeth and smeared lipstick and huge sunglasses and ugly clothes and honestly, she kind of looks like Coryn. She walks out wearing a green tank top that reads "Envy," and points to it, saying that's the problem around the house. Tip for Lisa: it's more effective if it's in Por-thu-gayse. Also, nobody will take you seriously if you're wearing fake teeth. Kim interviews that, to be honest, everyone is a little scared of Lisa. Crazy-looking Lisa confessionalizes that everyone be looking at her like she's crazy, and taking themselves way too serious, and that everybody just needs to calm down. She then does one of my favorite things ever and says in crazy Lisa voice, "Take a break. [Grabs giant jar of cookies.] Eat a cookie." It's all in the presentation. Bre interviews that all the girls agree that Lisa is crazy and has lost her damn mind. Commercials.
We return to Tyra Mail. "Have you ever fantasized about being the top bitch in charge?" Kim says with dirty intention that she guesses she has.
The girls drive to the fashion district of downtown L.A. and arrive at a studio filled with clothing, makeup, and random people. They are puzzled, as usual. The girls are then introduced to Cover Girl Make-Up Pro (the title was captioned, people...I did not make that up) B.J. Gillian. Yes, his first name is "B.J." And...yes. He is such a pro, in fact, that he has fashioned himself cupcake-fragranced cheekbone implants entirely out of Cover Girl product. He's kind of like white Michael Jackson, but a tiny bit less terrifying. He says that, on the day, the girls learned about entourages, and today they will have their own. They will each get to direct their own hair, makeup, and wardrobe team. And then -- wait for it -- they get to "design a collage" that represents what's unique about them. Yes, it's a sixth-grade arts and crafts collage. I shit you not. At the end of the day, the girls will each get to present her collage at a go-see with a very big manager. With their construction paper/magazine clippings (and perchance glitter glue) collage. I am totally, totally not kidding. B.J. says that it's not just about what you say on a go-see, but where it's coming from. And where it's coming from, apparently, is a mouth slathered in Cover Girl product. Kim is once again wearing her Where's Waldo shirt. The girls have one hour.