The girls meet up with Season 3 winner Eva the Diva and are way too excited about it. She gives them some advice and tells them how great their lives will be when they too can travel with an entourage, of which at least one member is their cousin. Everybody is sick of Lisa, who has taken a fancy to dressing like a black Courtney Love. Then the girls actually do each get a mini-entourage, courtesy of Cover Girl, one of whom is used to make a crap-ass poster paper collage that is supposed to impress uber-manager Benny Medina. Yeah, I don't know. Kim does the best job and wins a guest spot on Veronica Mars. They say it's because she conveyed acting talent, but really it's because she fit the rental-car-employee-role wardrobe requirements best. The girls then participate in a photo shoot with MTV's Wildboyz, because nothing says fashion like a tattooed midget. When The Boyz show a preference for Nicole, Lisa pulls out all the stops and comes out in a diaper, in which she proceeds to urinate. All class, that one. And just when you think you're about to bid au revoir to deux bitches, Tyra pulls a truly unconscionable stunt and eliminates NOBODY. I hate that.
Previously: Lisa loved rolling around in the mud, and not just proverbially, and strangers inexplicably kind of liked her. Kim tried being a lady for the first time with great results, and Kyle was given walking papers (and not of the fierce runway variety). Six girls remain! Bitches, all.
It is night, and the girls return home from their elimination. They find some "Kyle Mail." Awwww. It's not original, but it still makes me miss her. Kim says that reading it might make her cry. The note is double-spaced and in a third-grader's scrawl, with little stars at the top. I still draw little flowers on the envelope when I send mail, so I cast no stones. Kyle tells "all [her] girls" that she loves them and is sad to leave, and wishes them the best of luck. There is more than that, but I'm sure it's something like "I truly hope that the one who is crowned America's Top Model will use some of her winnings to finance Lasix surgery for Mr. Bojangles. If not, I will pay for the surgery myself in Reese's Pieces." Kim cries in the confessional and says she knows that Kyle will be okay, but that she's not sure if she'll be okay without Kyle. Way to think of your friend's welfare. We see a few candid shots of Kim and Kyle on the wall, and in at least one, Kim appears to be copping a feel. She says that the house is so lonely for her without Kyle, and that she doesn't think she'll do well without Kyle at all. Yeah, until another one offers up her lesbirginity at the mighty altar of Ms. Gender Ambiguity. We'll see how long it lasts, is all I'm saying.
Meanwhile, Bre tells her mother to pray for her. We get to relive Bre's latest jaunt into the final two, and she says that, in the five weeks, she's living every day like it's her last in the competition. Her mother tells her to be positive and be the best that she can be -- no more and no less. Bre interviews that she's not going to quit, but rather will take every moment and use it to her advantage. I know she's spunky and all, but I don't quite get while she's still there.
Lisa prints out photos from the girls' digital camera. She says it's not cool how the other girls keep erasing photos of her, so she's printing them out. Wow, that is really kind of sad. Jayla looks on with a lack of concern. Lisa says that, slowly but surely, she's becoming more of a threat to the others, and that since the group has become so small (literally and not in the sense of "petty," although there is that too), people are getting insecure. No, Lisa, they just don't like you. Lisa pins up a photo that she obviously took of herself while holding the camera an arm's length away. It's like the people who do that with their Match.com profiles -- as my girlfriend says, "Don't they at least have ONE friend?"
Tyra Mail! "Have you ever thought what it would be like to be a diva?" The girls do not take long to put two and five feet six and three-quarters inches together and realize that this means they will meet Miss Eva the Diva, winner of Season 3, who once charmed us and soon became a nuisance. The girls, especially Bre, are way too excited. Like, I'd understand if they were meeting Santa Claus or something, but seriously.
The day, the girls travel by limo to the aptly named (if you have seen any recent shots of Miss The Diva) Poodle Parlor. There Eva poses on a chair wearing a long-ish, straight wig. Nik says, "We walk into, I guess, a photo shoot." "I guess," indeed. Bre says that she has admired Eva since the season she won. That is a hell of a way to waste a year of your life. Two ladies from the ubiquitous Elle Girl explain that Eva is doing the shoot for them and wearing some bohemian pieces by DKNY, the industry leader in bohemian. The girls watch Eva admiringly, and Kim says, "Oh my God, she's so cute. You just wanna...kiss her." Nik saunters up to Kim and puts her arm around her shoulder and says, "Ditto." It has gone from warm to bi-furious in no time at all! Also, see the note about Kyle at the end of the first paragraph. They tag team in saying, "Deliver us...from Eva." Lady-loving and original! Who could ask for more?
Eva pretends to be a model for a while longer. Kim says that Eva has been the most successful ANTM winner, so all of the girls want to watch her. Eva says, "Hello, pretty ladies," and tells them that she once stood where they stand, and knows what they're feeling. She knows what Kim's feeling, especially. With typical eloquence, Eva quoth, "You're here at work with me today and you get to see what the life of a Top Model winner really does [sic]!" Unless, of course, she comes down with a sudden illsness. She tells them that when they work, they'll have an entourage around them all the time, and so it's important to get along with other people. She introduces her entourage, who are with her all the time, and have still not made her get along with other people. One of them is her cousin. Eva tells the girls that they might consider getting a really good manager, and says that they are now commodities. Nicole says that it drives her to know that she could be standing in Eva's shoes one day. She calls Eva an inspiration. Buddha, Gandhi, Pigford.
Eva then whips out her requisite tiny dog accessory and takes a few questions. She says that traveling is the greatest benefit of her job, along with meeting new people. I can agree with the first portion of this maxim, as I am now editing this recap from sunny Vieques, Puerto Rico, where I could give a hang about actually meeting new people. Spare me the extra homo sapiens and give me the beach! Eva says that she can smell that Bre and Nik -- her two sistahs in the corner -- have some questions. Bre says that it's a lot harder than it looks, and makes some remark about how Tyra and the panel have stripped her down. Not a question, but okay. Eva says that the judges are looking at the world's standards of beauty, but that the girls need to create their own standards of beauty and parlay their window of opportunity into what they want to do. I feel so gypped that no one asked one single innuendo-laden question about Missy Elliott. Jayla says that Eva made winning the competition seem really worthwhile, which only means that Eva is a good liar.
Bre asks where Lisa went, and Nicole says that she's putting on a show, per usual. Lisa is, in fact, chatting with the crew, who are eating lunch. She interviews that in this business, you have to work fast, hustle, and network. And really, you can't blame her for wanting to talk to people other than the Feeble Five. Kim dozes and Jayla yawns while Nicole gives a blank look. Lisa says that she'd love to sit around and be boring like the other girls, but the truth is that time's-a-wastin'. Literally, in her case, since she is 104. She rubs the bald black man on the head for luck. A genie does not pop out. Back in the full group, Nik, Kim, Nicole and Bre huddle together while Jayla and Lisa stand on the outskirts. Someone says that she likes the group, and Lisa adds an enthusiastic "Me too!" Nik gives her the hand and says, "No, we don't like you, Lisa." Ooooh, burn. Also, the dislike of Lisa must really have progressed to advanced stages if they're saying this to her face. Lisa interviews that a lot of the girls are hating her at this point, and that she is "going to be" friendless. She gives a look that falls somewhere between sad and dumb.
Back at the house, Lisa pours herself a glass of wine and decides that she's going to break the air of intensity that has befallen the house by dressing up in crazy costumes. Because everyone loves a clown, except for those who have scary dreams about them. Crazy costumes ensue. She's wearing a brown wig and big scary fake teeth and smeared lipstick and huge sunglasses and ugly clothes and honestly, she kind of looks like Coryn. She walks out wearing a green tank top that reads "Envy," and points to it, saying that's the problem around the house. Tip for Lisa: it's more effective if it's in Por-thu-gayse. Also, nobody will take you seriously if you're wearing fake teeth. Kim interviews that, to be honest, everyone is a little scared of Lisa. Crazy-looking Lisa confessionalizes that everyone be looking at her like she's crazy, and taking themselves way too serious, and that everybody just needs to calm down. She then does one of my favorite things ever and says in crazy Lisa voice, "Take a break. [Grabs giant jar of cookies.] Eat a cookie." It's all in the presentation. Bre interviews that all the girls agree that Lisa is crazy and has lost her damn mind. Commercials.
We return to Tyra Mail. "Have you ever fantasized about being the top bitch in charge?" Kim says with dirty intention that she guesses she has.
The girls drive to the fashion district of downtown L.A. and arrive at a studio filled with clothing, makeup, and random people. They are puzzled, as usual. The girls are then introduced to Cover Girl Make-Up Pro (the title was captioned, people...I did not make that up) B.J. Gillian. Yes, his first name is "B.J." And...yes. He is such a pro, in fact, that he has fashioned himself cupcake-fragranced cheekbone implants entirely out of Cover Girl product. He's kind of like white Michael Jackson, but a tiny bit less terrifying. He says that, on the day, the girls learned about entourages, and today they will have their own. They will each get to direct their own hair, makeup, and wardrobe team. And then -- wait for it -- they get to "design a collage" that represents what's unique about them. Yes, it's a sixth-grade arts and crafts collage. I shit you not. At the end of the day, the girls will each get to present her collage at a go-see with a very big manager. With their construction paper/magazine clippings (and perchance glitter glue) collage. I am totally, totally not kidding. B.J. says that it's not just about what you say on a go-see, but where it's coming from. And where it's coming from, apparently, is a mouth slathered in Cover Girl product. Kim is once again wearing her Where's Waldo shirt. The girls have one hour.
The girls go through the bevy of people and choose their entourages, which include a personal assistant to make the poster, a makeup/hair person, and wardrobe stylist. Mommy, I want to be a professional collagist when I grow up! The girls direct their entourages. B.J. consults each girl about what kind of look she wants for their lips (and he should know), and drops a number of CG product names. Bre likes her entourage and hopes they don't think she's bossy. She directs her personal assistant to make the collage edges messy. Kim says that she felt her entourage was more helpful to her than the others' entourages were to them, and I would contend that this is because Kim needs the most help. Lisa does not take to her wardrobe stylist, and basically wants to wear her own clothes plus a sequined bolero. Lots and lots of makeup money shots. The girls put the finishing touches on their looks and their crap-ass collages. Nik says that, after working with an entourage, she understands how important it is to have one, because these are the people that make you look good. See: Diddy, P. B.J. tells the girls to grab their collages and exit because their time is up.
The girls then drive in the dark to the Handprint Entertainment building, where they meet Jean Kwolek, who "works closely with" Benny Medina, superstar manager, who represents the likes of Tyra Banks and Mariah Carey. The girls are impressed. Benny will meet with the girls individually, and the person who has the most star quality will land a guest spot on Veronica Mars. It's a pretty cool prize, I have to say, even if it's all in the name of the UPN Publicity Department. Lisa interviews that this challenge is really important to her because even if you're the most talented person in Los Angeles -- which Lisa is not -- it's really hard to land a role.
Nik goes first and asks Benny how he's doing. Benny says that he's "amazing" and interrupts her with a stern look in his eyes. Nik says that it was scary. Benny reiterates that the winner of the challenge will be cast on Veronica Mars. Nik is thrown off, and starts to go through her collage. Benny tells her that she has thirty seconds to tell him why she should be cast on Veronica Mars. She says that she should be cast because she's a very positive and responsible young woman. Benny Medina does not care if you pay your parking tickets with a smile. Nik will not win this challenge. Benny asks if Nik can act, and she says that if she can't act, she'll sure try. She realizes that this was a stupid answer. Benny says that Nik was very beautiful, but that he didn't want to listen to what she had to say. I'll bet that happens to him a lot.
, Nicole goes through her collage. Benny asks what in it shows that she has any artistic inclination. She is stumped. But seriously, what would ever possess them to send the girls in to see a superstar agent with a collage made of construction paper, old photos, and magazine clippings? It's just cruel. ["And he seems totally flummoxed by it, too, and has no idea why they're making him look at them." -- Wing Chun] Nicole says that she can be a star because she has a crazy wild side and also-- Benny interrupts her at this point to asks, "What about talent?" Nicole smiles a big smile reminiscent of Bugs Bunny's finest moment of Elmer Fudd seduction and says, "I have lots of talent." Benny says she should have said that first.
is Bre, who attempts to discuss the trials and tribulations of her life, as represented in her collage. She pauses and asks for a moment to collect herself, and says that she's messing up because she's nervous. Benny says that if she's nervous just talking about her life, how will she be with a script in front of her? Bre says that she could get into the role playing, which leads Benny to say that she's a sexy sister who is hungry and passionate. He's kind of gross.
Jayla's strategy for marketing herself is to be as loud and energetic as possible, and also to mask what a jerk she really is. She goes through the life-story collage, and the editors throw in some vocal effects and background whistling music to show that she is boring the hell out of Benny. I'm surprised they don't CGI a long, Rip Van Winkle-esque beard on him. Benny says that Jayla has so little personal resonance that he can't even remember her. HA!
Kim is , and says that in addition to being versatile, she has acting experience. Ah, the magic words. Also, she looks especially hot. She says that she diversifies the competition on account of her being a big dyke. She says that her passion now is modeling, but that acting had been her passion in the past. Benny likes Kim's combination of angst and passion, and also thinks that her "pedigree" bodes well for her. Guess she put the Wesleyan Crest on the collage, or a picture of a purebred Schnauzer.
Finally, there is Lisa, who is her typical cracked-out whore self. She says that she can handle all of the crap that life throws at her, handle any task put in front of her, do it beautifully, and smile at the end. She starts crying, which mystifies Benny. She says that she's been waiting for such an opportunity all of her life. After she leaves, Benny says, "Why do you think she started to cry? It was weird." I get the feeling that after Lisa leaves any room, there is often a conversation that begins, "[Question]? It was weird."
The assistant lady draws all the girls together and announces that she and Benny think Kim has the most star potential. Cut to Lisa's tempered reaction. Kim is psyched, as she should be. She says that this week is the first in which she thinks that victory may be within her reach. Lisa interviews that it stinks that Kim won and she didn't, but it's all okay. Lies!
Meanwhile, Kim goes to the Veronica Mars set. She explains that her character is a jaded underachiever, and also very sarcastic, and that she thinks she can do that. Kim says that Veronica Mars herself, Kristen Bell, is really nice. Kim -- a natural wardrobe fit in her character's rental-car company employee shirt and tie -- talks to Kristen, who dreamily says, "Let me know if you want to rehearse. I can totally rehearse." Yet another notch on the field hockey stick, is Kristen Bell.
The scene plays out. Basically, Veronica Mars left her laptop in a rental car and needs to get it back posthaste. ["Actually, Veronica was also acting." -- Wing Chun] At one point, Kim picks up the phone as if she's making a call, and the director interjects, "Dial the phone, Kim." Heh. In general, her performance seems fine. ["Yeah, she was pretty good, but that's possibly because the camera was never on her for more than three consecutive seconds." -- Wing Chun] Kim says that it took a few minutes for her to get used to the set, because she is not at all used to cameras surrounding her and capturing her nightly escapades (for example). She monotones that it was an exciting day for her, and that she likes being a TV star.
When Kim returns home, she talks to the other girls and says how exciting it was finally to win a challenge. Lisa drunkenly says that she really wanted to win that competition, but that it's all good that she didn't. She adds that she won two challenges and is happy with that. She congratulates Kim, and adds, "You deserve to win one." Kim, in the confessional with Nicole, discusses how Lisa is a passive-aggressive wanker. And really, it's kind of true. Back on the patio, Lisa says that she was proud of Kim when her name was called. Not content to leave it alone, she adds, "You must have said things that I didn't say, and good for you, Kim." Also, she did not act like a lunatic crack whore, one might add. Lisa interviews that she was not jealous of Kim's victory. Kim confessionalizes, "Um, everyone can see through that, you jealous idiot." Touché! And, commercials.
Meanwhile, in Naima's Life as a Cover Girl, we learn that she, too, had a guest spot onVeronica Mars. Guess that gig isn't too hard to come by after all.
We return to Tyra Mail: "Don't let your fears of the wild keep you from looking fierce." The girls speculate that the shoot will involve animals. They are right, if you consider that the shoot will involve Lisa. The arrive at a lovely Hollywood Hills house the morning and prepare to get all Joan Embry on Jay's ass. Jay tells them that they're going to get to let loose and have some fun in a "high-fashion mad" shoot. Lisa is excited. Nadia Pandolfo is the photographer. Jay sends them to hair and makeup, and says that he'll bring them down to run through their little scenarios. Nicole gets some giant blonde hair, while the others are curled, straightened, or teased as necessary. Jay calls them together and says that, to get them to the level of anger that he wanted, he thought he might need something to antagonize them. More Janice! More Janice! But alas, it is the MTV Wildboyz. I have no idea who they are, but one is a midget named "Wee Man." Also, when the Backstreets were being formed, their creepy fat-ass manager totally said to them, "You know what would add a little extra zing to the act? If you called yourself Boyz with a Z." And even the Christian one was all, "Dude, that's too queer even for us." Jayla explains that the Wildboyz used to be on Jackass. Photos tell us that they enjoy exposing themselves and wearing women's clothing. Jayla says that they are worse than Lisa. Time will tell. Jay says that the Wildboyz will serve as the girls' "entourage gone wild" in their shoot. Bre says that she's scared, and doesn't want to work with them. Wee Man sexually harasses the girls. One of the taller ones points down his pants. Kim says that the person who would most likely get along with The Wildboyz is "disgusting, crazy, Lisa." That's like the name and tag line for Lisa's perfume. "Disgusting. Crazy. Lisa." Lisa interviews that she was glad not to be the only crazy one on set.
Lisa's shoot is first. She has to act angry that the Wildboyz have stolen her makeup kit. She runs around and yells at them and slaps them and whatnot. The photographer tells her to not look quite so ugly, apparently not yet knowing that Lisa can't help it. The midget says that Lisa was the first one up and "killed it." I guess "it" is "any remaining sense of humanity." Lisa smacks one of the tall guys with a towel.
Hair stylist Rob Talty asks Bre if she's going to tear the Boyz a new one. She laughs. She has to act as if she needs to get her underwear back from the Boyz. She screams as the Wildboyz act stupid. They start throwing underwear at her, which makes her get even more pissed. The hairy, tall Wildboy says that a lot of chicks don't like getting panties thrown at them. Tom Jones, however, does. Bre says she wants to know who the Wildboyz' parents are, because she was not amused by their childish games.
Nicole has to act like she came home to find her Wildboy lover in bed with Kim. This is extra-funny, of course, because Kim is a lesbian. HA HA, how do they come up with such hilarity? Nicole yells that her boyfriend is cheating on her, and keeps laughing while doing it. The non-hairy straight guy says that he's trying to convert a lesbian, and the midget says, "Moan like you like it." That little guy is gross. The photographer says she felt like Nicole was a little bit fake. The non-hairy tall guy says that Nicole was the best, and that he loved every minute during which she smacked him with a purse. When the shoot is over, he runs up and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Nicole thinks she did well, and had fun on the shoot.
Jayla has to pretend-scream on her shoot, because it involves a dog. The twenty seconds of her fake screaming over and over are hilarious. The photographer says that Jayla was confident, but really only gave one look. The hairy tall guy says that Jayla had a challenge on her hands, what with the working with wild animals. The tall guy feeds the pit bull spaghetti Lady and the Tramp-style. Jayla says that the shoot was difficult, but that she thinks she got one good shot.
Nik is , and is looking mighty hot in her underwear. She starts screaming, and the Wildboyz, who are wearing her dresses, start jumping around. The tall non-hairy one keeps exposing himself as his dress flies up. Why did they never make Coryn try this move? Nik can see none of this. She asks the other girls why they were laughing, and Bre says, "Penis -- a whole lot of it." Or, more likely, a whole little of it.
Finally, there is Kim, who wears a pink mini-dress and yellow fur stole as the Wildboyz jump into a pool behind her. She screams for a long time, and says she almost passed out. The tall non-hairy one says that the best thing about Kim is her attitude. At this, the Boyz throw her into the pool. Non-Hairy says that he did his best to convert Kim from her lesbianism. I think he's usually more successful at converting girls to lesbianism. The hairy one says that she probably was converted, and Non-Hairy says that she wasn't 100% lesbian to begin with.
After the shoot, the Wildboyz flirt with Nicole. Non-Hairy offers his bed if she needs a place to stay in Hollywood. Bre interviews that Nicole gets along best with the Wildboyz, and that Non-Hairy (whose name is actually Steve-O) is in love with her. Nicole gets a footrub from Steve-O and enjoys all the male attention. And then Lisa walks in and says, "I'm wearing your guys's [sic, sic] underwear!" Hairy calmly asks, "Why?" Yes, Lisa is wearing a diaper. Of course. Nicole interviews that, when she was getting a little attention from Steve-O, Lisa had to walk in with a diaper on, because she has to outshine everyone. I don't know that wearing a diaper is the most effective way to outshine someone, but then again, I have not spent a day in Lisa's brain. Thank the Lord. Nicole tells Steve-O that Lisa is so weird, and Steve-O says, "She's so Fatal Attraction." Watch out, Mr. Bojangles. Bre says to Jayla, "Why's she wearing a diaper, again?" When Jayla says she doesn't know, Bre says, "Oh. Just thought I'd ask." The other girls are pretty disgusted by the whole thing. But they have no idea what is yet to come, as Lisa then announces that she wants to "test out" the diaper. The Wildboyz laugh as Lisa pees. Bre interviews that no woman of class -- especially a supermodel in the making -- is going to do something as disgusting as peeing on herself during a job. Only the more ladylike coke-snorting and self-induced vomiting would befit a supermodel in the making. Nicole says that Lisa is disgusting, and Lisa replies, "Oh, girl, it's dedicated to you, man." Lisa does some of her crazy dances. Bre interviews that Lisa is a sick individual, and that she hopes that if Lisa wins the $100,000, she checks herself into a psych ward ASAP. I hope she creates her own Vegas lounge act. Commercials.
Tyra Mail! It's elimination time. Or is it? Kim confessionalizes that she started off thinking she didn't have a chance, but that she now believes in herself. Bre looks at her black-and-white photo, and Nicole says that she's nervous at every elimination, because they shock you every time. Hint, hint.
And with that, we are at Panel. There are prizes, there are judges. Photographer Nadia Pandolfo is the guest judge. Their Panel challenge today is all about star power, and being versatile. It focuses on product endorsement. The girls come up one by one and find three plates on a buffet table. Underneath each is a product. It's like the game with the turtle shells and the ball, except that in the ANTM version, even when you win, you lose. The first is a commercial product: toothpaste. Tyra asks for poses representing that product with the girls acting as ommercial print models. The girls pose with a tube of toothpaste. It's just as exciting as it sounds. The product is a high-fashion editorial ad for big-ass sunglasses. The girls pose; the judges laugh. As Lisa does a little leap, the glasses fall off, and we learn they are Tyra's. We must be back on the Season 2 budget.
For the final product, the girls must each do a one-minute commercial for ANTM chocolate. Where is the umeboshi when you need it? Jayla says that models aren't supposed to eat chocolate, but that she eats chocolate every day. Nicole hilariously calls it "the creamiest, dreamiest chocolate around," and Miss J. points to himself. Lisa once again goes too far and says that chocolate can be used for arousal. Nik says, "It's great. It's ANTM. It's chocolate." Nicole does a little song and dance. Nik says that the chocolate is chocolatey. Kim gives each judge a piece of the chocolate, and Miss J. makes a face. Bre then gets her sexy voice on and says, "Sometimes, I come home late at night, and I pick up a nice piece of ANTM chocolate. I love...mmmm...ANTM chocolate. This is awesome." The music playing behind her indicates that she also likes to wash it down with a Colt 45 while on the receiving end of a call to 1-900-LUV-2NYT. Nigel says that he wishes the minute could go on longer, and Bre confesses that she actually hates chocolate.
The girls are evaluated. Miss J. and Tyra disagree with Jayla's assessment that models aren't supposed to eat chocolate. The judges tell her not to be afraid of the product. On her photo, Tyra says that Jayla looks like a blow-up doll, and then does an even better blow-up doll impression. How did she get so good at that? Nadia tells Jayla to use her body more because sex sells. Tyra is still obsessed with Jayla looking like a blow-up doll.
Nik is , and didn't connect with the toothpaste at all, according to Nadia. Twiggy thought Nik was good with the chocolate commercial until she found something to say. The judges love Nik's powerful-looking scream in her photo. Tyra tells her that she did the best of all the girls throughout all her photos on the shoot. She had a variety of screams, and her face was still pretty for all of them.
Tyra calls Kim out on the stall tactic of passing out the chocolate to the judges. She says that Kim gave up and laughed it off, which Kim, judging by her facial expression, disagrees with. The judges love her photo, and Nigel says that it's the most attractive he's ever seen her look. Miss J. says that it's one of her best pictures because she was one of the boys, and thus fit right in. She must get so tired of that shit.
Tyra says that when Lisa first leaped with the sunglasses, Tyra thought she was crazy, but if there had been a still photo of that leap, it would have been gorgeous. The other girls hate it when Lisa gets a compliment, and this time is no exception. Twiggy also loved the leap, but panicked when the glasses fell, because they were Tyra's. Tyra says that they only cost $15. Lisa went too far in her photo, and needs to rein in her scary face because she looks like a monster. Er, more like a monster than usual.
Tyra loved Bre's commercial, as did Nigel, though he says that she's trying to put on an act to sound posher than she is. Bre says that she wants to be herself, but doesn't want to be all, "Yeah, girl, you know what I'm talking about." Tyra says that Twiggy can speak to that, and the Twig tells us once again that she was the first working-class model. It is not interesting. She tells Bre not to be ashamed of who she is, because she'll lose her naturalness. Bre's photo is great, and Nigel commends her.
The judges sing Nicole's ANTM Chocolate song. Nigel says that it was a nice way to end, since Nicole started weak. Nadia says that if Nicole doesn't take herself seriously she's never going to be anything more than a catalogue model, if that. On Nicole's photo, Miss J. says that when you come home and find your man in bed with someone else, you jump in the middle. Having Miss J. on Panel has really made me grow tired of him. Nadia said that Nicole was holding herself back and seemed embarrassed. She tells her that she needs to become more confident. And , someone will be eliminated. Or so Tyra tells us.
The judges evaluate the photos. Nik gets raves all around, and Nigel notes that her personality is finally starting to come out. Nigel says that Lisa has a great personality and that's why they all love her (except for him, who hates her) but Nadia says that she doesn't have a great face and can't get to the top level. Tyra asks, "Even with that personality?" and Nadia says, "No." The correct answer is, "ESPECIALLY not with that personality." Nigel says that Jayla is looking tired and worse than ever. He is confused about Jayla. Nadia says that Jayla has no personality, and thinks she can just stand there. She says that Jayla is boring, but Twiggy likes the way Jayla looks. Bre has finally turned her game up, says Nigel, but Twiggy adds that she needs to get over her wannabe posh-ness. Tyra says that she's trying to be Brianna, but just needs to be La Bre. Kim looks girly in her pink frock, according to Twiggy, and Nigel says that Kim is finally taking good pictures, and that her photo is the best of the bunch. Nadia says that Nicole was very self-conscious in front of the camera and never gave 100%. Nigel says that the beauty of Nicole is that her 50% still gives a good photo. He adds that she needs to believe in herself. Twiggy says that she loves Nicole's look, but that she needs to up the ante. The judges agree that they have come to a conclusion, and that it is a strange one.
Tyra tells the girls that there are definite frontrunners in the competition, but that there are also girls who have not progressed adequately. She first calls the name of someone who is progressing: Bre. She tells Bre that she looks like a model in her picture, but needs to break out of trying to be perfect, and that little girls want to look up to somebody who is comfortable being herself. Janice was comfortable being herself, which is why American Girl is planning on making a doll of her. , Tyra calls Kim, then Nik, and then Crazy Lisa, whom Tyra tells not to be so ugly.
This leaves us with Jayla and Nicole. Tyra tells them that they are beautiful girls who take beautiful pictures, but that they suck as spokesmodels. She says that they were both at the top of the pack, but now stand before her at the bottom. In modeling, Tyra says, you have to be fierce and on point, and also "READ-DEEE." FRED-DEE. She then says the fateful words: "But the judges were so disappointed in you that tonight both of you must pack your bags..."
....
.....
......
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO LONDON! AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU! NOBODY'S GOING HOME!"
First of all, that bit made me flash back to scary screaming Tyra. Second, I am a little glad that Tyra got to live out her Oprah fantasy, even in this context. Third, there is confetti. And fourth (but not last in importance), Jayla and Nicole are too dumb to figure out what's going on for at least a good ninety seconds. I feel so gypped by this whole thing. I was ready to say au revoir to two bitches with glee, but alas, it was not to be. Tyra asks the girls if she freaked them out, and they say that indeed, she did. She says that her heart has never beat so hard at a judging. Oh, I don't know about that. Something about the double-elimination or fake double-elimination must induce some sort of post-traumatic stress flashback for Tyra, because she really gets a little weird. A tearful Nicole says that being almost eliminated has made her vow to stay out of the final two. Jayla says that being in the final two makes you reprioritize things. Kim says that all of the girls will have to step it up. Tyra screams along with the girls that they are going to London, and bumps butts with Nicole. The End.
Coming Up: Kim gets totally busted for talking about everyone behind their backs. Sweet!