In our first indicator that this is not a normal Top Model episode, we are greeted with shots of Tyra Banks scantily clad in frilly underthings in the Victoria's Secret runway show. I'm pretty sure they've shown this exact footage before. She voices over that being a top model is about more than being fierce on the runway or taking glamorous pictures. It's about humiliating yourself on a third-rate network in front of a nation, and screwing your chances for actual success in the fashion industry. Or, entering a whole new world. With new horizons to pursue. We see the winning moments from the past four seasons as Adrianne, Yoanna, Eva, and Naima were crowned-slash-damned. Tyra tells us that, this season, thousands of girls applied. We see videos of several of the girls we know -- including Kyle, who looks sweet, and Jayla, who jumps on a trampoline in a bikini. Of course.
Only the "promising" girls, or the ones who included mention of a chronic illness/disability on their applications, were invited to the semi-finals in Los Angeles. We get a flash of Miss Ebony, who decrees that while some people have a dream to be brain surgeons, she was born to be a model. Don't get it twisted! Oh, I miss her. More semi-final footage, including Sarah stumbling on the runway, and redheaded Regina having her dreams crushed. Only thirteen girls made it to the finals, and we've grown to hate them each on her own unique grounds. Six girls remain: Kim, Lisa, Nicole, Bre, Jayla, and Nik. Tonight, we get a can't-miss episode full of mock-interviews, lesbian kisses, and more. We get to relive Sarah's catwalk catastrophes, Cassandra's really bad hair day, and also see some new footage including a tiff between Jayla and Kim. Well, who know about that!? We also get more advice from Janice! Yay! And we learn that Lisa is the same crazy ho we always thought she was. Pack it up, pack it in, let Top Model begin!
(And, as a note, I am not going to link back to past recaps as this episode reviews what already happened, because it would be way too much, and I'm sure I made all the same jokes the first time around.)
We begin the episode by traveling back in time, to when the final thirteen meet the two Jays and enjoyed a double-decker bus ride with Robin Leach. Despite the ubiquitous presence of erectile dysfunction medication in our culture, that is not a euphemism. Except maybe for Lisa. And, as a side note, I just took a look at the Viagra website, and they have a punch card where you get the seventh prescription free. Viagra: not that different from the burrito place I go to for lunch. The girls are introduced to their fabulous department store-style house, and Kyle makes a little comment that reminds me how pretty she was as a blonde. Sarah bounces on her new bed, and not for the last time, believe you me. The girls scream and squeal and talk about how perfect their place is, and there are numerous shots of photos of Tyra Banks, including one where she displays a mean-looking furrowed brow. It is not nearly as neanderthalish or wrinkly as Lisa's similar black and white shot of the last episode, however. Nik tells us she's glad Diane is her roommate. She says that they're quiet and they relax together, or they talk together. "We're quiet together" is such a ringing endorsement of friendship. Nik really is pretty boring. But Nik trusts Diane, who is not shady like some people who do not really sleep with a nightlight.
Tyra tells those of us living under a rock that Kim is openly gay, and stood out from the other girls. Coryn, Sarah and Kyle ask her if she is full-on lesbian, and she confirms that, indeed, she is full-on gay and then some. She interviews that her being gay adds a bit of positive tension to the house, and that some girls might think, "Huh! Could I be attracted to the little boy? I think I could!" Sarah offers to make out with Kim. That was, like, the first day in the house. Boonville really wasted no time.
Cassandra, Tyra tells us, stood out for her lack of emotion. We see her flossing. Er, emotionlessly. She walks by Kyle and flicks her toothbrush at her. Kyle is all like, "The hell?" Kyle interviews that Cassandra flicked her toothbrush at her, and she was like, "The hell?" Because, as with the regular episodes, we are dumb and need to hear a narrative of what we just saw, along with perhaps a flashback later in the episode, to fully understand what's going on. Cassandra tells Kyle that, "it seems like" "a person" would want to pick on Kyle because she's too cute. Kyle is puzzled, and Kim recognizes Cassandra for the freak she is. Cassandra says, "You know when you see a really pretty flower or something and you just want to, like, step on it." Kyle says, "You want to step on me and tear me apart?" The answer is obviously yes. Cassandra is also acting mildly retarded in this scene, for some reason. That girl was not right. I wish she had stayed a little longer. We then cut to Cassandra telling Lisa that she is kind of like a sociopath in her lack of emotion, only she's never killed anybody. The scrunch of her nose really does indicate an unspoken "yet." Lisa, for the first and only time, is speechless.
Tyra voices over that Ashley tried to stand out by flaunting her fashion knowledge. Ashley interviews that her mom owns a salon, and that her family is in the beauty industry. And I don't know that running a Fantastic Sam's franchise really qualifies, but then again, I'm not in the beauty industry. She adds that she was a buyer for a boutique, and knows fashion and hair. She tells a few of the other girls in a lecturing voice that she thinks they'll leave Kim the way she is, but perhaps dye her hair darker. She adds that Kim's eyes would look phenomenal if she had fire-red hair. And...that's exactly what they did. Maybe she does know her stuff after all. She then says that they'll give Nicole a relaxer, which is totally wrong. Scrap my last theory. She also says that she'll be going dark, which is obviously wrong, since her ass was out of there faster than you could say "Super Cuts." Ashley says that, growing up in a salon, she had to change her hair every single month. Nicole interviews that Ashley is fake and that Nicole can't stand her, and that everyone sees through her.
The girls then walked in a "glamorous Hollywood fashion show" that ANTM set up for them, and backstage Jayla rattled Kim with an insensitive comment. Do tell! Jayla says that she walked up to Kim, poked her in the belly, and told her that she needed to suck in her stomach. Ooooh. You do not do that to a woman unless you are Janice Dickinson. Jayla says that Kim asked if Jayla was calling her fat, and Jayla looked at her and said, "Girl, are you crazy?" Yes, and I don't know what that means. Jayla uses tons of hairspray as Lisa listens with wonder to Kim's retelling of the incident. Kim says that when she asked if Jayla was calling her fat, Jayla kind of shrugged her shoulders and lifted her brows in a way that indicated, "Uh, yeah." Kim says, "It is on." Jayla looks like the rat fink she knows she is. Kim says that if she wouldn't be eliminated for killing anybody, she might take that step. She interviews that she's sick of Jayla saying every little thing that's on her mind, and that Jayla needs to learn to censor herself for five seconds. Kim ends by adding, "Ugh, I hate her." Me too!
The girls walk in the show, to silly narration. Bre says that she was fierce on the runway. And when it was Sarah's turn on the runway, she stumbled. And then did the same thing again. Everyone in the audience goes, "Ooooooh!" both times, which is kind of funny. And then, Sarah figured that since she had already stumbled on the runway, she might as well stumble on the path of stringent heterosexuality, and sucks some face with Kim in the limo. Lisa says, "And she's got some crazy cantaloupe lips," which really might be my favorite quote of the season. Kim says, "Quiet, quiet, quiet! Second base is ready." What does that mean? Is Kim going to slide cleat-first into Sarah's boobies?
Back at the house, "the models met an uninvited guest." It is a bird, who has apparently has taken residence in the Stiletto Salon. Kyle speculates that he's blind, because he always runs into stuff. Nicole says, "All birds are blind, though." Wow, this is a true meeting of the minds. Kyle quizzically says, "Are you sure?" And Nicole says yes, that's why they run into your car and house. They migrate by sense of smell, apparently. And then Nicole says that they can't see, but that they can sense where they are and how close they are to things by their hearing. Kyle says, "I know my bird could see." Nicole authoritatively says that it might just be the birds outside that are blind. Kyle says, "Maybe. I don't know." Okay, that was awesome.
The girls then had that stupid superhero shoot. As Cassandra flies through the air on the harness, Nicole says, "I wish I liked her. I wish she wasn't so annoying." Ebony says that Cassandra irks her in the wrong way. They laugh at Cassandra as she poses. Lisa says that she doesn't think any of the girls will do better than she does, and Jay shouts compliments at her with a megaphone. Jayla interviews that with Diane's hair, makeup, and costume, it appeared as though that the stylists were deliberately trying to make her look like a chicken. And actually, it's kind of true. Jayla says that she told Diane that she looked like a chicken, and that at least she had a theme. See, that's where it becomes unnecessary. Kim interviews that Jayla says things that are not funny, and that telling somebody she looks like a chicken is mean, because chickens are the opposite of superheroes. I think chickens are kind of attractive. Unlike Jayla.
After the shoot, bad feelings boiled over back at the homestead. Nicole interviews that, from what she's seen of her, Jayla is just kind of mean. She says that Jayla doesn't have any social grace. Kim, Lisa, and Kyle sit outside and talk about how much Jayla sucks. Kim says that Jayla could call her fat, but at least she might refrain from doing it right before she went on the runway. Kim interviews that Jayla has said mean things to people day after day. Kim adds that Kim herself can get away with saying mean things to people because she knows how to do it, and they think she is joking. Er, and she "doesn't mean it" and it's "harmless." They all bitches, is what I think. Kim tells the others that Jayla was home-schooled, and might not know how to interact socially, which is sad, but...and with that "but," Jayla enters the porch. Lisa says that they were just talking about her. In something of an ironic twist, Lisa tells Jayla that Jayla says things faster than she thinks about it. Syntax hers. She adds that Jayla hurts people's feelings before she even realizes that she does. This is apparently the United Nations Pot-Kettle Convention 2005. Lisa interviews that Jayla was home-schooled and doesn't realize that she offends people. Then what's Lisa's excuse? Jayla tells the others that what she says shouldn't be taken seriously, and that people should get used to it because she can't constantly change the way she talks to people. She's going to say stupid shit all the time, and people will have to get used to it. I love the "I'm just an ass, and I can't help it" defense. As a side note, Jayla looks horrendous, and like she has dirty in her underwear.
Then, it was time for elimination. Ashley was boring, and her photo wasn't very good. Sarah was a clumsy fool on the runway, but her photo got some compliments. Ashley was sent home. In her exit interview, she says that maybe it was a shame for Top Model, but good for her. The last part, probably not so much, but she might be right on the former. She adds that maybe they don't know what they gave up. Eh, she kind of sucked. Commercials.
When we return, Tyra voices over that, despite the stress of the competition, Coryn was able to unleash her playful side. If that's what you want to call it, then. She sits in the bedroom with Ebony and pulls out a contraption, saying, "You know what I brought? It's a fart machine. Ha ha ha." Ebony, who is reading, looks up and kind of smiles. Coryn then plays the machine over and over and yells, "It's the chicken! It's my stomach! I can't help it!" Okay, that's gross. Ebony plays along and tell the other girls that their room is going to smell awful, and Kyle yells, "Oh my God, that sounds so fake." In any case, good to see that Coryn is using her Spencer Gifts employee discount well. And just when you think it's over, the farting skit continues as the girls congregate and Ebony and Coryn try to fool Nicole and Kim into thinking that the farts are real. Looking back at the sentence I just typed, I must reflect for a moment on how this job sometimes demeans me. But, carry on. Nicole looks momentarily bewildered. In a joint confessional with Ebony, Nicole says that that was a new side to Coryn, and that she didn't know Coryn was a little scandalous. Oh, honey, you don't know the half of it. More fake farting.
Moving on. It's makeover time! Tyra gives us that "personal style" bullshit again. ["Hey, that hasn't really come up lately. Maybe someone figured out that it's crap." -- Wing Chun] We review Tyra and Jay in the salon, telling some of the girls what their new looks would be. They are happy. Until we get to Cassandra. D'oh! Cassandra, still with her long, dark hair, interviews that she has a great natural beauty, and that not much has to be done to change that. Oh, man. She really had it coming, didn't she? Tyra tells Cassandra that her hair is going to be an inch short. She asks if the girls are ready, and they all scream and hoot happily as Cassandra weeps. Shampooing and cutting ensue. Cassandra continues to weep. Lisa tells her that if she's had the same hair all her life, it needs to go. Cassandra weeps. Ebony says that it's good to have Cassandra show some emotion, because otherwise she's been a robot. The other girls love their looks, and we see Coryn's transformation into drag queen extraordinaire. Then, Cassandra gets the first big cut. She weeps. Kyle loves her hair.
Jayla interviews that she looked over at Kim and "went to say two things at once" and it came out as, "Oh, that doesn't look that bad." Man, she is the worst. Parents, see for yourselves the dangers of home-schooling. Kim says that Jayla should shut up, and that there's no reason to put anyone down right now. Taking her own advice, she says to Ebony (about Jayla, we are to assume), "Forget a makeover, she should get some plastic surgery." Oooh, you do not mess with the little boy, J.W. Jayla interviews that she thinks some of the girls are getting the wrong sense of her sense of humor and how she acts. Again, it takes a really self-deluded person to fall back on the "It's your interpretation" argument.
Meanwhile, Jay tells the photographer that Cassandra's been crying for twelve hours. Cassandra goes on about being something she's not. Wah, wah, wah. Jay tells her that she looks cleaner, edgier, and more modern. She goes on about the fact that she's feminine. I take back what I said about wanting her to stay longer. Tyra voices over that Cassandra's complaining rubbed some girls the wrong way. A little pack of the contestants congregates. Kyle interviews that Cassandra has been crying all day long, and that she just needs to get over it. Cassandra whines on the phone to her boyfriend. She says that he will hate her hair, because she hates her hair. Kim mimics Cassandra to the others. Cassandra tells her boyfriend that she complained a lot, and so she needs to kick some butt at the photo shoot.
And speaking of, we jump to the shoot, which was that English countryside one that was actually kind of cool. The girls pair up and have to wear the same outfit and pose with horses. Jay yells that Ebony needs energy, and says that he's getting "dead carcass on a fence" from her. I should add that she is posing in front of a fence. Ebony interviews that she might be trying too hard. She hopes that it didn't go too badly, but adds that, in all honesty, it might have actually been really bad. More girls pose. Lisa tries to pet a horse on the nose, and it recoils and snorts. She and Ebony discuss the fact that the horse was all, "Get away from me, Wrinkles." Ebony says that she wants to ride a horse. Lisa says that she needs to take her Claritin first.
Later that night, Jayla shows off her six-inch platform heels. Seriously, she's such a stupid ho. Bre tries them on and says, "Those are hooker shoes for real." Jayla interviews that she's the one person in the house who doesn't have "one set best friend," and says that she tries to be cool with everybody. Uh...yeah. Bre tries to walk in the shoes and says that she could never be a stripper, and that when you get up on that pole, you must be out of your damn mind. That was as close to a PSA as Top Model gets when Tyra's not around. Though, come to think of it, I guess Lisa is a little bit of a living PSA.
Meanwhile, Nicole and Ebony are in the confessional playing with little boxing bobble head dolls, who are stand ins for the other girls. They have a little dialogue in high voices, which I will present in its full form because it is so brilliant. One bobble head is obviously Jayla (played by Nicole), and I think the other one is supposed to be Cassandra (played by Ebony).
Cassandra Bobble Head: Look at my hair! Look at my hair!
Jayla Bobble Head: Look at my hooker boots! Look at those boots!
Cassandra Bobble Head: Oooooh!
Jayla Bobble Head: Look at me walk in these boots!
[Jayla Bobble Head prances around in boots.]
Cassandra Bobble Head: Oh you want to be a stripper? That's so annoying! I was raised in high society. We don't believe in that kind of thing!
Jayla Bobble Head: Alls I wanted to be my entire life was A STRIPPER!
Seriously, everyone, if you missed this episode, tune in about twenty minutes into the Tuesday repeat, because that was awesome.
Jayla interviews that, toward the end of the night, she just wants to go to bed, and wants everybody to leave her alone. A mean-looking Jayla, in bed, complains to Nik that she's sick of having to butt in to everyone else's conversations, and says that no one ever comes to her or wants to talks to her. TAKE THE HINT, DUDE. Jesus. Nik interviews that Jayla comes off as the bad strong girl, but that everyone is a little sensitive inside. See, Nik was, like, the only one who felt a little bad for Jayla and -- as we will soon see, I am sure -- Jayla totally fucked that up, too. Jayla lies in bed as Nicole and Ebony get a little silly and shake their butts stripper-style along the railing and laugh. Ebony twirls around the pole coming up from their kitchen counter. It's all kind of funny. They yell to Jayla that it's all in good fun, and that they're using the pole in the kitchen. They tell Jayla to come and bring her stripper shoes. Jayla interviews that she was tired and not in the mood for their shenanigans. Lisa takes a turn on the pole, and Ebony says, "That was a bit too natural for me." The other girls laugh and laugh. And then in walks Jayla wearing her stripper shoes, a pair of underwear, and nothing else. Lisa stands up on the counter and yells, "Ladies and gentlemen, do we have a performance for you tonight!" Some of the girls laugh and some don't. Nicole looks disgusted, while Cassandra actually has no expression. Jayla says that she did something funny for once (her words, not mine), and that she's glad no one took it the wrong way. The other girls just shake their heads, like, "Man, is she a freak."
Then, at judging, it was sad times for all as Ebony was sent home. Commercials.
When we return, Tyra meets the girls at a restaurant. She says that she has a "little special friend" with her, and that fashion is all about the fabulous, fierce, and ferocious people. So how does Jay Manuel fit into that, again? Tyra calls out her friend Miss Bel Aire, who is a dowdy-looking draq queen. Seriously, it's like Rue McClanahan in a wig by Star Jones. Tyra says that she learned how to walk, put on makeup, and be fierce from drag queens. She acts as if we should be scandalized, but I mean, God, just look at her. Ain't no secret, Miss Banks. The drag queen gives the girls a walking lesson. They try, and then Tyra shows them how it's really done. Kim interviews that it was amazing to watch someone who has been walking for so long and looks like she isn't even trying. She says that it looks like Tyra was meant to do that walk. And also to be a drag queen.
And speaking of, we move to the poolside walking lesson with Miss J. Alexander. Bre was great, Kyle needed to become more comfortable, and Sarah sucked. Miss J. does a nail check on the girls, and scolds Sarah, who apparently bites her nails. He says that no photographer wants a model with beat-up, busted up man fingers. True enough. ["There go my dreams of being the Linda Evangelista." -- Wing Chun] Meanwhile, back at home, Kyle is talking on the phone about the bird visitor of yore. She says that it keeps knocking on their door, and that it may be blind. She adds that they have named it Mr. Bojangles. At a different point in time Kyle, who has her ubiquitous hair rollers in, notices Mr. Bojangles -- "Bo" for short -- hopping about, and calls for Kim. Nicole yells that they need to get the bird out of the house, and Kyle says that they didn't let him in "this time." Hmmm. Kyle is like a crazy cat lady, but for birds. Bo eats a delicious seed. Lisa speculates that maybe he was a former indoor bird, and now wants to live in the luxury to which he was accustomed. I think Bo just wants him some bitches. Bo hops around some more, and the girls all follow him around and scream. Kim carries around a paper towel, as if she is going to squash him like a bug. If my cat, Miss Itty, wasn't twelve years old and half blind as well as mostly deaf, I think she would love this scene. Jayla, who is in the confessional, listens to the screaming and gives a "this is why I'm the way I am" look into the camera. For a moment, I feel for her. But it is a very short moment. Bo hops, the girls scream, Jayla looks pissed, repeat. Someone speculates that Bo wants to be a top model, which launches me into a fantasy sequence.
Tyra: There are two lovely top model contenders in front of me, but I only hold one photo in my hands. One of the girls standing before me has all the potential in the world. She's beautiful, she's tall, she has the best body here. She impresses the judges week after week in person, but she can't translate that into fierce photos. The other one standing before me really cares about her physique. She hops around and eats only seed. She gives 100% and she can turn it out in a photo, but the judges aren't sure if the world is ready for a blind model who stands a mere three inches tall. But Mr. Bojangles, you get another chance to prove us wrong. Thanks, Kyle.
Meanwhile, Cassandra tells us that Tyra wanted to cut her hair even shorter. Cassandra's mother asks if she loves her hair more than she loves this opportunity. Cassandra says she hasn't decided yet. The girls have to walk in a mock-runway show for Crazy Sue Wong, who yells things like "You are an exotic, Mongolian princess" as they step on to a turning platform. Bre says that she was feeling confident and great, whereas Sarah was clearly not and looks heinous. But not to Kim, who takes a late-night dive into the pool, and an even later night dive into...well, you fill in the rest. Hint: it rhymes with "carburetor." No, kidding, it rhymes with "stuff." Bre is more concerned about Kim's relationship than Kim is. Sarah's boyfriend wonders if she's a big dyke. End of scene.
The day, the girls had to run on a treadmill while wearing fashion "don'ts" and still look fierce. Sarah says that she was in a bad mood because she only got one hour of sleep, and then adds that it wasn't her fault, it was Kim's fault. Jayla got her hair extensions taken out and acted like a pro rather than the shrew that she is, while Cassandra made the fateful decision not to cut her hair. Jay tells her to leave his set, and she does, with the air of the righteous. She says that pageants build your character, whereas modeling strips you down and turns you into a puppet. At least in modeling, you get to use a name rather than a title and a state.
The girls return to the house and find a note from Cassandra. Bre reads the note: "Hey girls -- Well I can't say you didn't know it was coming, but I'm totally all right and I wish you nothing but the best. I hate this. Modeling is not for me. Everything we did -- shoots, runway challenges, etc. -- especially the makeover (duh) I really didn't like. The only thing that made it fun was being with you guys. I'm not worried about you. Love, Cassandra." The other girls really give less than two shits that Cassandra's gone. Kyle confessionalizes that Cassandra knew what she was getting into, and that they were always going to do something with her hair. She says that there are plenty of other girls who would have loved to have been in Cassandra's position. It's true. Nicole says that Cassandra was random, but that she'll be missed, and interviews that her decision was silly. Nik says that Cassandra was beautiful and had potential, while Diane says that it's good that Cassandra found out now that modeling wasn't for her.
Jayla of the evil confessional says that she cut her hair and that it was no big deal, and that her hair was probably longer than Cassandra's. Okay, first of all, that's not true at all, and second of all, they didn't cut Jayla's hair all spiky and short and dye it a hideous shade of blonde and make her look like someone named Lurlene. On the lanai with Lisa, Jayla self-aggrandizes some more. Bre confessionalizes that nobody really cared about Cassandra leaving because everybody has selfish intentions. She adds that not everybody in the house has a good spirit or good energy, or is as caring or as nice as they want it to seem. Jayla.
Despite Cassandra's exit, the girls still faced an additional elimination. Sarah's utter lack of poise and grace saw her in the final two again, along with her lovah Kim, and she was sent home. Sarah says that Kim taught her a lot about herself, and adds depressingly, "Back to Boonville, I guess. Just go four-wheelin' and cow-tipping and grocery store checking. I do hope I find something I'm good at, though." Okay, that was so fucking depressing. Lesbianism was totally her way out. And still is! Call me, Sarah. Okay, don't actually call me. But call someone who is Sapphically inclined and gives a damn. Commercials.
Back at the ranch, it is night. Lisa's irritating self-confidence got on the other girls' nerves as she began dispensing unsolicited advice. I can't believe that it took forty minutes to get to the "Lisa is a jerk" subplot. She drunkenly tells Diane to stand in front of the mirror and "do faces that aren't the faces that you normally do. I want you to go do that right now." I like that advice. It's like, "If you want to be better, change everything about yourself." Diane says that when Lisa is drunk, she lets her real self come out a little bit more. To wit, we see Lisa ask Coryn if she wants to be stereotyped as a sports model. Coryn says that she wants to do "all-around." Lisa interviews that all Coryn talks about is working out and how her legs jiggle, but that Coryn is actually incredibly skinny. Lisa tells Coryn that the judges have been telling her that she's too muscular. Coryn says that they haven't, and we flash back to Nigel telling her that she has a very muscular body suited for sports modeling, but that she needs to be able to wear dresses. So the message here is that Lisa is right, but also a jerk. Lisa tells Coryn that it would be best if she eats and doesn't work out. Coryn questions why she would listen to her competitor, and says in an interview that she has shunned Lisa's advice. Coryn tells Kim and Kyle what happened, and Kim says, "That bitch is shady." She then says, "That bitch is so competitive she doesn't even know what she's going for anymore." What does that even mean?
The girls then met with the co-owners of Smashbox Enterprises, Dean and Davis Factor, who asked them to write critiques of one another, because Top Model is always out to engender peace and not create any unnecessary drama. Dean and Davis read a critique that says that Coryn is too skinny and muscular, and Tyra voices over that this was the step on the path to the battle of Lisa vs. Coryn. They exchange words, and Coryn tells Lisa that she just doesn't like her. Tyra voices over that with the pressure of the competition mounting, Kim discovered a new talent. Cut to Kim playing a harmonica. Now that's irony in motion. Montage of Kim playing the harmonica, which is actually pretty funny. In one shot, she plays as Nicole dances, and in another she skips into the kitchen wearing fluorescent pink tape wrapped around her head. And plays the harmonica.
The girls' photographer for that week, Tyra tells us, combined experience with sass. It is Janice Dickinson! Oh, hooray. I always feel a little better when she's on my screen, unless she's trying to crawl out of the window above the street and away from Omarosa, Pepa, and Balki. I seriously have been trying to Windex that shit from my brain. Tyra says that wherever Janice goes, controversy is sure to follow. As is my heart. Janice asks Coryn if she is flexible, and tells Jay that she wants to incorporate limbs into the shot. Kyle interviews that Janice is a little intimidating at first, because she's so forward and will confront you about everything. In a demonstration, she tells Kim that she thinks she's so tough and has to incorporate the short spiky hair and be masculine. She says all of this in kind of a weird voice. She then tells Coryn to do twenty jumping jacks. Coryn does twenty jumping jacks in gold hot pants. Janice tells all the girls to go "BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" before they settle into their shoot, and gives a little whinny for the camera while she's at it. She says that it blows the tensions out of their mouths. Huh.
The photo shoot was a tongue-in-cheek take on extreme plastic surgery. Janice says that Bre needs more experience in front of the camera, because her movements aren't fluid. She gives Kim some advice on handling breast implants, which Kim will doubtlessly heed some day in the future. She directs Lisa not to lose the light, and tells her not to act like she's drunk. Kim unnecessarily yells that it's natural for Lisa to be like that. Janice yells, "Any remarks from the sidelines is nothing but jealous. This girl's a star." Despite the syntax, I think it's nice that Janice kind of stuck up for Lisa, who might be something of a kindred spirit. Diane had to strap down her boobies and it hurt. Janice got a huge sense of insecurity from Diane, and notes that she needs to stop reeling her head backward. Despite Diane's poor performance, Janice gives her a big hug after the shoot. She tells the girls that it's a tough ride, and that only the strong survive. She tells them not to dog one another behind their backs when they get home because it all gets around in the industry. And also, they will see it on television months later. And if it didn't get caught in a regular episode, they'll have a nice surprise waiting for them in the clip show.
At panel, Diane's critical flaw was her dwindling spirit. Tyra and Co. notice that she feels nervous and embarrassed. She says she's being herself, but they disagree. Oh, the big girl who becomes increasingly less jolly. It's a bit of a motif in this show. And also, maybe the fat girls become less jolly because the experience makes them feel fat. Diane is sent home, and says that she's like a baby learning to crawl, but that she's going to become an adult in the modeling industry. She says that it's a blessing to be there. Except for the "it destroyed my spirit and self-confidence" bit, that is.
Meanwhile, the girls hang out in the pool after Diane leaves. Kim, who is floating on a pool chaise with the straps of her bikini top down, said that they had to kick off Diane because Kim is too much competition. She says that she's the new plus-sized model, and she's embracing it. Jayla treads water. Kim falls off her float. It's not really that funny.
Tyra tells us that being able to sell a product is vital for any model, and so the girls had a crash course in product endorsement with "comedian" Chris Spencer. Jayla says that she's not scared to get in front of anybody and talk, and the world adds a silent "but you should be." The girls are mock-guests on Chris's mock-talk show and shill ANTM Honey-Banana Face Mask. Chris asks Nicole if she's ever had a cavity, and then pretends to be blinded by her teeth. Easier that than pretending to be blinded by her wit, I guess. Chris flirts with Nik. He asks Bre how the product was developed, and she says that she was eating honey and bananas and thought, "What if I put this on my face?" That's the way a lot of things were invented, I'll bet. Chris calls her a genius. Lisa does her funny little dance, and then her time's up. Chris tells her that she needs to sell the product and not let him sway her away.
And then, the tensions between Lisa and Coryn escalate. Coryn tells Lisa that she needs to come up with a new dance move, which sets Lisa off. Lisa snipes at Coryn, Coryn tells Lisa to shut up, Lisa tells Coryn that she's rude and presenting herself as a moron. And then, the greatest: "And what are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" (And thanks to all those who sent me the sound clips of that moment.)
Tyra voices over that, frustrated with the growing tensions in the house, Lisa's drinking escalated. She uncorks a bottle of wine and interviews that no one is seeing the good in her, or cutting her any slack. Well, except for Cousin It the plant, whom Lisa sees as a kindred spirit. This means that Cousin It is also Janice's kindred spirit, which I can kind of see. Some of the girls, says Tyra, thought Lisa was going too far -- meaning, I guess, that they were tired of slipping on her vomit. We see an outdoor chat, in which it is determined that Lisa drank all the wine in the house -- a total of five bottles in four days. And really, that is a lot of wine. Bre says to the others that the competition is very stressful, and that the worst thing you can do when you're stressed is put a substance in your body because you depend on it and aren't your normal self. Ironic talk for the smokers' lounge, if you ask me. Bre says that they need to be there for Lisa. Good luck with that.
, the girls had their three-part Secret deodorant challenge, which entailed filming a commercial, shooting a photograph, and participating in an interview with some Entertainment Tonight hack. Tyra voices over that the commercial had a twist -- each girl had to come up with her own secret to add at the end. Lisa's secret was that she tells herself she's beautiful every day, and also that she is a functioning alcoholic, much to the surprise and chagrin of the others. Lisa tells the ET guy that she is a sweaty bastard. Kyle overacts in her commercial. Coryn suffers a bout of poor self-confidence. And then, Nik and Jayla tell Jay that they have "discovered" that they "coincidentally" have the same secret -- they are afraid of the dark. Nik says that hers is a little bit different, because she also sleeps with a nightlight. Jay says that their delivery might be totally different. Cut to Jayla, who says that her secret is that she sleeps with a nightlight. Nik tells Kyle that karma is a bitch -- as, we have confirmed, is Jayla.
Back at home, the whole thing blew up into a big boring fight. Jayla pretends not to know why Nik is giving her the cold shoulder, and Lisa -- desperate to be liked by somebody and happy that she's not the jerk for once -- tells her that it's all about the stolen secret.
Meanwhile, Nicole and Lisa decide to defuse some of the tension by dressing up in some of the crazy gear to be found in their boutique-inspired house. They look silly-slash-cute. Nicole says that what they need to do is get Coryn to join them. She says to Lisa, "You two need to become buddies." Lisa says that it's not going to happen, and that she's cool with that. Meanwhile, Coryn sits at a table with Jayla and Bre and goes over some stuff she's written on an index card. Turns out it's an apology to Lisa. She interviews that she felt bad, and didn't have to go there about Lisa being an alcoholic bitch. Bre reads the apology and says that it's nice and very mature. She says that it's hard for her to apologize to people because she's hard-headed. Lisa interviews that she received the note of apology from Coryn on her bed, and says that she'll accept that and that it's all good. And it's an apology, but only an index card's worth of apology. Also, a little reciprocation might be nice, but I guess you take what you can get with Lisa. The girls kiss and make up -- literally -- but not in a Kim and Sarah kind of way. Coryn confessionalizes that she and Lisa are friends now, with no conflicts between them. But it doesn't really matter, because Coryn is eliminated. She takes the news with some relief, and says that she's going to continue to pursue a career in modeling.
Meanwhile, Tyra tells us, Jayla was left brooding over judging. Jayla confessionalizes that she's angry with Nik because, at Panel, Nik said that there was an on-set incident that bothered her, but wouldn't elaborate for the judges. Jayla says that everyone thought Nik was nice for doing that, but Jayla thinks that Nik just didn't want to look bad in front of Tyra. Well that's reason enough, isn't it? Dumb-ass. Jayla rants that she was so happy when Nik was in the final two, and says that she would cry tears of joy if Nik were sent home at this point. She concludes, "That's Nik. I really, really hope you see this. I don't like you. You're a stupid, stupid bitch." Tough talk from a stupid, stupid bitch.
Last week's Cover Girl of the Week was Kim. I guess the lesbian voting bloc finally mobilized themselves.
On our last stop in the more recent past, Tyra tells us that she decided to drop by and show the girls that you don't need all the fuss to get a fierce photo. She smears them with Vaseline and shoots them in black and white in the back yard, with amazing results. We get to see all of these photos, because Tyra loves herself. After the shoot, Lisa found an innovative way to burn calories. She interviews that she exercises all the time, and that it's driving her crazy not to be able to work out. Why can't she work out? So she tells Bre that she and Kim are going to come up with a dance routine. She does a little bit of her crack-ass dance for Bre. She interviews that she doesn't want people to sit around and complain all the time, and that they should get up and do something. And I guess her idea of doing something involves running around the house like she's just escaped from a mental institution, and gyrating her crotch in front of the confessional-room camera. The cameras then hire Woody Harrelson to file a class-action suit against Lisa. She runs through the house and hurdles all the furniture, slides down the banister, and kind of bounces up and down for a while. It's funny, but the scary side is that I don't think she's even drunk when she's doing this.
Meanwhile, at a '40s retro pin-up shoot, the girls must sex it up. Bre is corseted so tight that she can't breathe. Kim is made into an actual woman. The girls pose on top of a car. Kim interviews that Kyle didn't look as comfortable in this shoot as she normally does, and Jay says that Kyle didn't really get into the character of a pin-up girl. Meanwhile, Lisa cracks in the limo and starts pillow-fighting with the other girls. Pillows, fights, laughing. At one point, Kim hops on Kyle's lap for protection. Jayla says that they are girly. And then, Kyle was unjustly eliminated. She says that she didn't know how to use her potential, and thought she was going to go farther. So did I, and I'm still sad about it.
And now, only six girls remain. They are, Tyra tells us:
Jayla, the rebel Jehovah's Witness from Arizona;
Nicole, the baby-faced student from South Dakota;
Nik, the silent threat from Atlanta;
Kim, the tomboy from NYC;
Bre, the strong-willed Harlem girl;
Lisa, the life of the party from Los Angeles.
Who will become America's Top Model? Let us savor each moment of not knowing, because we will inevitably be disappointed with the result.
Coming up on ANTM: a real episode! Yippee!