“ I just took a look at the Viagra website, and they have a punch card where you get the seventh prescription free. Viagra: not that different from the burrito place I go to for lunch. ”
In our first indicator that this is not a normal Top Model episode, we are greeted with shots of Tyra Banks scantily clad in frilly underthings in the Victoria's Secret runway show. I'm pretty sure they've shown this exact footage before. She voices over that being a top model is about more than being fierce on the runway or taking glamorous pictures. It's about humiliating yourself on a third-rate network in front of a nation, and screwing your chances for actual success in the fashion industry. Or, entering a whole new world. With new horizons to pursue. We see the winning moments from the past four seasons as Adrianne, Yoanna, Eva, and Naima were crowned-slash-damned. Tyra tells us that, this season, thousands of girls applied. We see videos of several of the girls we know -- including Kyle, who looks sweet, and Jayla, who jumps on a trampoline in a bikini. Of course.
Only the "promising" girls, or the ones who included mention of a chronic illness/disability on their applications, were invited to the semi-finals in Los Angeles. We get a flash of Miss Ebony, who decrees that while some people have a dream to be brain surgeons, she was born to be a model. Don't get it twisted! Oh, I miss her. More semi-final footage, including Sarah stumbling on the runway, and redheaded Regina having her dreams crushed. Only thirteen girls made it to the finals, and we've grown to hate them each on her own unique grounds. Six girls remain: Kim, Lisa, Nicole, Bre, Jayla, and Nik. Tonight, we get a can't-miss episode full of mock-interviews, lesbian kisses, and more. We get to relive Sarah's catwalk catastrophes, Cassandra's really bad hair day, and also see some new footage including a tiff between Jayla and Kim. Well, who know about that!? We also get more advice from Janice! Yay! And we learn that Lisa is the same crazy ho we always thought she was. Pack it up, pack it in, let Top Model begin!
(And, as a note, I am not going to link back to past recaps as this episode reviews what already happened, because it would be way too much, and I'm sure I made all the same jokes the first time around.)
We begin the episode by traveling back in time, to when the final thirteen meet the two Jays and enjoyed a double-decker bus ride with Robin Leach. Despite the ubiquitous presence of erectile dysfunction medication in our culture, that is not a euphemism. Except maybe for Lisa. And, as a side note, I just took a look at the Viagra website, and they have a punch card where you get the seventh prescription free. Viagra: not that different from the burrito place I go to for lunch. The girls are introduced to their fabulous department store-style house, and Kyle makes a little comment that reminds me how pretty she was as a blonde. Sarah bounces on her new bed, and not for the last time, believe you me. The girls scream and squeal and talk about how perfect their place is, and there are numerous shots of photos of Tyra Banks, including one where she displays a mean-looking furrowed brow. It is not nearly as neanderthalish or wrinkly as Lisa's similar black and white shot of the last episode, however. Nik tells us she's glad Diane is her roommate. She says that they're quiet and they relax together, or they talk together. "We're quiet together" is such a ringing endorsement of friendship. Nik really is pretty boring. But Nik trusts Diane, who is not shady like some people who do not really sleep with a nightlight.
The Girl Who Wants To Step On The Pretty Flower
“ Sarah offers to make out with Kim. That was, like, the first day in the house. Boonville really wasted no time. ”
Tyra tells those of us living under a rock that Kim is openly gay, and stood out from the other girls. Coryn, Sarah and Kyle ask her if she is full-on lesbian, and she confirms that, indeed, she is full-on gay and then some. She interviews that her being gay adds a bit of positive tension to the house, and that some girls might think, "Huh! Could I be attracted to the little boy? I think I could!" Sarah offers to make out with Kim. That was, like, the first day in the house. Boonville really wasted no time.
Cassandra, Tyra tells us, stood out for her lack of emotion. We see her flossing. Er, emotionlessly. She walks by Kyle and flicks her toothbrush at her. Kyle is all like, "The hell?" Kyle interviews that Cassandra flicked her toothbrush at her, and she was like, "The hell?" Because, as with the regular episodes, we are dumb and need to hear a narrative of what we just saw, along with perhaps a flashback later in the episode, to fully understand what's going on. Cassandra tells Kyle that, "it seems like" "a person" would want to pick on Kyle because she's too cute. Kyle is puzzled, and Kim recognizes Cassandra for the freak she is. Cassandra says, "You know when you see a really pretty flower or something and you just want to, like, step on it." Kyle says, "You want to step on me and tear me apart?" The answer is obviously yes. Cassandra is also acting mildly retarded in this scene, for some reason. That girl was not right. I wish she had stayed a little longer. We then cut to Cassandra telling Lisa that she is kind of like a sociopath in her lack of emotion, only she's never killed anybody. The scrunch of her nose really does indicate an unspoken "yet." Lisa, for the first and only time, is speechless.
Tyra voices over that Ashley tried to stand out by flaunting her fashion knowledge. Ashley interviews that her mom owns a salon, and that her family is in the beauty industry. And I don't know that running a Fantastic Sam's franchise really qualifies, but then again, I'm not in the beauty industry. She adds that she was a buyer for a boutique, and knows fashion and hair. She tells a few of the other girls in a lecturing voice that she thinks they'll leave Kim the way she is, but perhaps dye her hair darker. She adds that Kim's eyes would look phenomenal if she had fire-red hair. And...that's exactly what they did. Maybe she does know her stuff after all. She then says that they'll give Nicole a relaxer, which is totally wrong. Scrap my last theory. She also says that she'll be going dark, which is obviously wrong, since her ass was out of there faster than you could say "Super Cuts." Ashley says that, growing up in a salon, she had to change her hair every single month. Nicole interviews that Ashley is fake and that Nicole can't stand her, and that everyone sees through her.
The Girl Who Wants To Step On The Pretty Flower
The girls then walked in a "glamorous Hollywood fashion show" that ANTM set up for them, and backstage Jayla rattled Kim with an insensitive comment. Do tell! Jayla says that she walked up to Kim, poked her in the belly, and told her that she needed to suck in her stomach. Ooooh. You do not do that to a woman unless you are Janice Dickinson. Jayla says that Kim asked if Jayla was calling her fat, and Jayla looked at her and said, "Girl, are you crazy?" Yes, and I don't know what that means. Jayla uses tons of hairspray as Lisa listens with wonder to Kim's retelling of the incident. Kim says that when she asked if Jayla was calling her fat, Jayla kind of shrugged her shoulders and lifted her brows in a way that indicated, "Uh, yeah." Kim says, "It is on." Jayla looks like the rat fink she knows she is. Kim says that if she wouldn't be eliminated for killing anybody, she might take that step. She interviews that she's sick of Jayla saying every little thing that's on her mind, and that Jayla needs to learn to censor herself for five seconds. Kim ends by adding, "Ugh, I hate her." Me too!
The girls walk in the show, to silly narration. Bre says that she was fierce on the runway. And when it was Sarah's turn on the runway, she stumbled. And then did the same thing again. Everyone in the audience goes, "Ooooooh!" both times, which is kind of funny. And then, Sarah figured that since she had already stumbled on the runway, she might as well stumble on the path of stringent heterosexuality, and sucks some face with Kim in the limo. Lisa says, "And she's got some crazy cantaloupe lips," which really might be my favorite quote of the season. Kim says, "Quiet, quiet, quiet! Second base is ready." What does that mean? Is Kim going to slide cleat-first into Sarah's boobies?
Back at the house, "the models met an uninvited guest." It is a bird, who has apparently has taken residence in the Stiletto Salon. Kyle speculates that he's blind, because he always runs into stuff. Nicole says, "All birds are blind, though." Wow, this is a true meeting of the minds. Kyle quizzically says, "Are you sure?" And Nicole says yes, that's why they run into your car and house. They migrate by sense of smell, apparently. And then Nicole says that they can't see, but that they can sense where they are and how close they are to things by their hearing. Kyle says, "I know my bird could see." Nicole authoritatively says that it might just be the birds outside that are blind. Kyle says, "Maybe. I don't know." Okay, that was awesome.
The girls then had that stupid superhero shoot. As Cassandra flies through the air on the harness, Nicole says, "I wish I liked her. I wish she wasn't so annoying." Ebony says that Cassandra irks her in the wrong way. They laugh at Cassandra as she poses. Lisa says that she doesn't think any of the girls will do better than she does, and Jay shouts compliments at her with a megaphone. Jayla interviews that with Diane's hair, makeup, and costume, it appeared as though that the stylists were deliberately trying to make her look like a chicken. And actually, it's kind of true. Jayla says that she told Diane that she looked like a chicken, and that at least she had a theme. See, that's where it becomes unnecessary. Kim interviews that Jayla says things that are not funny, and that telling somebody she looks like a chicken is mean, because chickens are the opposite of superheroes. I think chickens are kind of attractive. Unlike Jayla.
The Girl Who Wants To Step On The Pretty Flower
“ Lisa tells Jayla that Jayla says things faster than she thinks about it. Syntax hers. She adds that Jayla hurts people's feelings before she even realizes that she does. This is apparently the United Nations Pot-Kettle Convention 2005. ”
After the shoot, bad feelings boiled over back at the homestead. Nicole interviews that, from what she's seen of her, Jayla is just kind of mean. She says that Jayla doesn't have any social grace. Kim, Lisa, and Kyle sit outside and talk about how much Jayla sucks. Kim says that Jayla could call her fat, but at least she might refrain from doing it right before she went on the runway. Kim interviews that Jayla has said mean things to people day after day. Kim adds that Kim herself can get away with saying mean things to people because she knows how to do it, and they think she is joking. Er, and she "doesn't mean it" and it's "harmless." They all bitches, is what I think. Kim tells the others that Jayla was home-schooled, and might not know how to interact socially, which is sad, but...and with that "but," Jayla enters the porch. Lisa says that they were just talking about her. In something of an ironic twist, Lisa tells Jayla that Jayla says things faster than she thinks about it. Syntax hers. She adds that Jayla hurts people's feelings before she even realizes that she does. This is apparently the United Nations Pot-Kettle Convention 2005. Lisa interviews that Jayla was home-schooled and doesn't realize that she offends people. Then what's Lisa's excuse? Jayla tells the others that what she says shouldn't be taken seriously, and that people should get used to it because she can't constantly change the way she talks to people. She's going to say stupid shit all the time, and people will have to get used to it. I love the "I'm just an ass, and I can't help it" defense. As a side note, Jayla looks horrendous, and like she has dirty in her underwear.
Then, it was time for elimination. Ashley was boring, and her photo wasn't very good. Sarah was a clumsy fool on the runway, but her photo got some compliments. Ashley was sent home. In her exit interview, she says that maybe it was a shame for Top Model, but good for her. The last part, probably not so much, but she might be right on the former. She adds that maybe they don't know what they gave up. Eh, she kind of sucked. Commercials.
When we return, Tyra voices over that, despite the stress of the competition, Coryn was able to unleash her playful side. If that's what you want to call it, then. She sits in the bedroom with Ebony and pulls out a contraption, saying, "You know what I brought? It's a fart machine. Ha ha ha." Ebony, who is reading, looks up and kind of smiles. Coryn then plays the machine over and over and yells, "It's the chicken! It's my stomach! I can't help it!" Okay, that's gross. Ebony plays along and tell the other girls that their room is going to smell awful, and Kyle yells, "Oh my God, that sounds so fake." In any case, good to see that Coryn is using her Spencer Gifts employee discount well. And just when you think it's over, the farting skit continues as the girls congregate and Ebony and Coryn try to fool Nicole and Kim into thinking that the farts are real. Looking back at the sentence I just typed, I must reflect for a moment on how this job sometimes demeans me. But, carry on. Nicole looks momentarily bewildered. In a joint confessional with Ebony, Nicole says that that was a new side to Coryn, and that she didn't know Coryn was a little scandalous. Oh, honey, you don't know the half of it. More fake farting.