Previously: Lots of drama, all of which can be summed up in two sentences. "What are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" and, "What's my secret? I'm afraid of the dark, and I sleep with a nightlight." Feuds galore! In the end, Coryn was sent home when she couldn't shake her "air of gloominess." Seven bitches remain!
And I just found out from the forums that the "You wanna be on top?" theme song is actually performed by Tyra Banks featuring Darkchild. I guess I, too, could bolster my floundering music career by recording "Na na nas" for my reality show's theme song, were I that ambitious. But in any case, Tyra will not stop until a media empire is hers! Gross.
At the Beverly Hills house, Jayla has Bre push and pull her legs, I guess to stretch them out and also perhaps release another shot of the evil that is contained in her spinal fluid. Nik eats a bowl of cereal in bed. She tells us about the whole Secret commercial ordeal, and notes that Jayla stole her secret. She's upset. For some reason, we see the whole thing in extensive flashback. Nik says it was very clear that she's the one who sleeps with a nightlight, which proves that Jayla is a backstabber. And I think this whole thing is so stupid, but you know that Jayla, like, goes spelunking every weekend and is all, "Ha! I totally do not need that helmet flashlight thingy, suckers!" Girl is not afraid of the dark, is what I'm saying. Jayla interviews that the fact that Nik is treating her poorly shows that Jayla's not mature enough to handle the situation, and that she's not going to last long. I am so sick of Jayla, and would like to thank the forum poster who pointed out the uncanny resemblance between Jayla and Clay Aiken. It's the Chiclet teeth. Also, why will spellcheck not allow me to have a singular Chiclet without giving me the angry red line? Fine, then. It's the Chiclets teeth.
morning, Tyra makes a surprise visit! She tells the girls that they'll be doing a photo shoot, and that she will be coaching them. Well, that's kind of cool, actually. Bre interviews that she was so excited: "I signed up to work with Tyra. I don't know about everybody else, but I know I signed up to work with Tyra." And this was my first hint that maaaaybe Bre would see another week. Tyra tells the girls they'll be doing a very natural, edgy, dark, and mysterious black-and-white photo shoot with her. She says that she does this kind of shoot with her friends all the time, and that they have fun. Isn't that like a busman's holiday? I would hate to be Tyra's friend, and not only for that reason. Nicole is first, and Tyra says to her, "And this is all we use!" and proceeds to put Vaseline on her cheekbones. If she ever did that to me, I would kill her and be acquitted due to temporary insanity caused by two trails of zit. Seriously, that can't be good for your skin. Nicole seems to take it in stride, though. And then all of a sudden, Tyra awkwardly voices over that this reminds her of a fierce photo shoot she did with Paolo Roversi. Who in the what now? That was so choppy. Also, the picture that is flashed is not so fierce, and is nothing like the shoot to come except that it's black and white. The photographer, whose name is Christian, snaps the photo. Nicole, as all the girls will, wears a tube top, I guess to give the illusion of nudity. Tyra holds Nicole's hair as the photographer snaps, but more in a "the wind is blowing" way rather than a "make sure the vomit lands mostly in the toilet" way that Lisa is so accustomed to.
“ Tyra says to Christian that sometimes a photo shoot can be short and sweet and without all the hoopla and THEN SEND A MEMO TO JAY MANUEL, FOR GOD'S SAKE. ”
And speaking of Lisa, she's . Tyra puts Vaseline in her hair, which is also disgusting. Maybe Vaseline is a sponsor of The Tyra Banks Show. Lisa moves her neck all around in a crazy posing way and makes a funny furrowed-brow face that we will see more of later.
Then there's Nik, who appears to not get the Vaseline facial, and who admits to being nervous. A crazy-glasses wearing Nik confessionalizes that being in the bottom two (flashback to last week's bottom two -- thanks, editors) pushed her back, and that she hopes that she can get her head together and focus more, because she doesn't want to go home. Nik poses with a big palm frond, like a wild woman who is "feeling the tree."
Tyra puts a bunch of black eye makeup on Jayla, and tells her to pose like, "I'm a baby and I'm a virgin!" Try, "I still love Jehovah!" if you want her to understand. Tyra tells Jayla to pose with an arm up, and also notes that she needs to relax her pinky.
is Bre, who is thrilled and comforted that Tyra was there to coach her, because Tyra gives off "this energy."
Kim -- who apparently does not own a tube top -- poses in a bra. This is Tyra's gift to the lesbians and bi-curious of the world. Tyra also tells Kim to look like a baby. Kim interviews that she knows her face and look are very high-fashion, but that being plain old feminine is very hard for her. Blah blah blah, you know the drill, and also...high-fashion? Really?
Finally, Tyra tells Kyle to think gypsy, and she busts into "Everything's Coming Up Roses." And may I add here that Kyle's rack is HUGE. I have never noticed this before. But really, gigantic bosoms have made their first cameo. Yowsa. It looks a little weird and disproportionate rather than hot, I have to say. Kyle interviews that she thinks she has what it takes and can be coached and trained to be the best. Oh, she is so pretty.
After Kyle leaves, Tyra says to Christian that sometimes a photo shoot can be short and sweet and without all the hoopla and THEN SEND A MEMO TO JAY MANUEL, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
Tyra Mail! Nicole picks it up, looks quick, and starts screaming. We see the card, which reads, "Are you a diamond in the rough?" Nicole says, "You are going to Paris tomorrow. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Lots of screaming, until the girls look at the card and realize that Nicole has played a trick on them. In return, I think they should put rat poison in her Chapstick. They can use the old "I thought it was Sweet & Skinny" excuse like in 9 to 5.
“ Eric tells the girls that they'll be doing a series of obstacles, because as a model, you have to be tough, as evidenced by the hardcore strength that was Christie Brinkley in the 'Uptown Girl' video, or Kate Moss in rehab. ”
Kim and Kyle lounge in bed. Kyle interviews that everyone is going crazy, and that she and Kim joke that they're the only sane ones left. That is quite a joke, indeed. Nicole interviews that Kyle has done really well and won two of the challenges. In what I guess is an ill-timed game of "What would you do if you win?," Kim asks Kyle if she would move to New York if she were named the victor. Kyle says she would indeed leave her hometown of Dexter, Michigan behind, and I think that's kind of a no-brainer. Kim interviews that she and Kyle just click, which is particularly well-timed, since Kyle is wearing a shirt that says "softball." I kid you not. Anyway, Kyle and Kim are BFF. Kim says, "What about Chad?" Kyle interviews that she'll leave him hanging. Actually, she says that she and her boyfriend are from different cities, and that it was really hard when they had to choose which college to go to. We see a shot of Kyle's boyfriend, and from this quick glimpse, Kyle appears to have really low standards. To make matters worse, she tells Kim that she's pretty much followed Chad around and planned her life around his, which she admits kind of sucks. Kim then says, "That is not okay," and Kyle says, "What?" She is so pretty, but runs about 40 watts. Kim takes this opportunity to whip out her Great Feminists of History picture book, and tell Kyle that revolving your life around someone else is not cool. At this point, Jayla kind of sneaks up the stairs and listens, which I find to be a particularly great bit of editing. Jayla interviews that, to win this competition, you have to be smart and not just feed off of what other people say, and that "Kyle does not seem to be the kind of person who is very intelligent." Kyle gives a big, dumb laugh, and so we know it's sort of true, but we also know that Jayla was able to lob that insult so successfully because she batted it with the ugly stick she keeps in such close proximity.
The morning, the girls travel to Griffith Park, where they meet Eric Viskovicz, a trainer at someplace called Camp Technique. That is the faggiest ever name for a place that does army-style obstacle courses. He tells the girls that they'll be doing a series of obstacles, because as a model, you have to be tough, as evidenced by the hardcore strength that was Christie Brinkley in the "Uptown Girl" video, or Kate Moss in rehab. Lisa jumps up and down excitedly, while Kyle looks appalled and Kim lays her head on Kyle's shoulder. I was going to make a joke about Kim's seduction powers, and then I noticed that Kim is actually wearing a flannel shirt. Way to get beyond the stereotypes. Maybe , Tyra will give her a tiny mullet weave. Fierce! Eric notes that Lisa looks very prepared. He tells the girls to change and get themselves back to the course.
Nik interviews that she works out every day but is certainly not prepared and physically fit for boot camp. And I have to admit that if I had to do this, I would probably die. Not in the "I don't want to get dirty!" sense, but literally die because I am so out of shape. I need to get a gym membership. Lisa is first. She asks for some army grease, and everyone notes that she is in heaven. She runs through the course, which includes a wall, some hurdles, dragging a stuffed dummy on the ground, and sliding backwards through the mud. Lisa says that she loves being dirty, so this is nothing to her. The other girls groan just looking at her, and not for the usual reasons. Eric interviews that the objective of the day was to make sure that they got a good workout, but also that they got really dirty in preparation for the real challenge to come. Lisa gives Eric a big hug.