Top Model is back, Beverly Hills-style! Tyra and co. make thirty-six hopefuls spill their sob stories before either cutting them or subjecting them to further humiliation in a final group of twenty. After a mock runway show and a one-on-one session with Tyra (surprise!), the group is cut to thirteen finalists, including a lesbian, a strayed Jehovah's witness, a Texas beauty queen, and a broad-shouldered klutz with duck lips. The final thirteen then go on a tour of stars' homes with Robin Leach (no, I am not kidding), settle in their pimped-out Beverly Hills pad, walk in another mock runway show, experiment with same-sex smooching, and attend their first photo-shoot in which they are dressed as superheroes and fly Peter Pan-style on a harness before one of the blonde-ish girls gets kicked off. It all sounds kind of exciting but, well...I'm not saying that this season is going to be boring, but where once there were bitches pouring beer on weaves, there is now shopping for Chapstick and arguing over Ramen Noodles. Step it up, bitches.
Woo ha and welcome to Season 5 of America's Top Model! We begin with a pre-credits montage of audition tapes, which includes a blonde with duck lips, someone who filmed her video in her high school's AV store room, and...Tyra Banks. Not even a minute into the show and the shenanigans have already begun! Then we see a cute curly-headed girl, a nondescript blonde and...oh, it's Tyra again. An Osmond, another nondescript blonde, and...Tyra. A girl on a trampoline and...Tyra. And more Tyra. Still Tyra. And yet more Tyra. And if you want to know in a nutshell what this show is really about, review those last three sentences.
We're at LAX, where the thirty six finalists are arriving. And I'm sure the decision to film in L.A. again has everything to do with its reputation as a burgeoning fashion capital and nothing at all to do with Tyra's crappy new talk show. And in all fairness, how could she possibly have a professional plastic surgeon assess the authenticity of her boobs on-air if they were in New York? Cassandra, nineteen, from Houston, says that she's competed in a lot of beauty pageants and her communications expert...hold up. Did she just say, "My communications expert"? I would think that any communications expert worth his salt would tell clients not to start sentences with "My communications expert says..." It only communicates creepiness. Anyway, the communications expert tells Cassandra not to worry about the competition: "You're here for you." And for that shiny tiara and to rub it in the face of that bitch Miss North Dakota. It appears that Cassandra is going to do nothing to debunk stereotypes about pageant contestants. is fluorescent-shod Bre, twenty, from Harlem, who says something about being ashy, I guess to indicate to us that she is a sistah. Nik, twenty-one, from Atlanta, says that she's not here to win the competition; she is the competition. Nik is also not here to make sense, because she is the sense. A girl in a ski jacket asks another competitor to help her with her bags. Her request goes unanswered. She is Susanna, nineteen, from Carthage, New York, and says that she has a lot of acquaintances but no friends. And I am sorry to say that it might actually be because she's not very pretty. I think Susanna might have gotten lost on her way to Extreme Makeover.
The girls convene at the Beverly Hilton, where introductions are made and rivalries are formed. Ebony, eighteen, from Sylmar, California, says that she's sizing up her competition and that she's intimidated because the girls are gorgeous. Oh, not another one with the retinitis pigmentosa. She ends with, "Don't get it twisted," which I will address later. And then, just when you thought things couldn't get worse, out walks Jay Manuel, dressed in a pink striped blazer that makes him look like Malibu Orange Man. The girls all rush over to hug him. I hope none of them is wearing white. Jay tells the girls that they probably all know who he is; sadly, he is probably right. He also says that he will be the creative director for all photo shoots again, which ensures us a season's worth of gold bodysuits and feathered headgear. Jay says that it's time to work, and that the girls need to live, breathe, eat, and sleep this business. I wish he'd live, breathe, eat and sleep asbestos. Kyle, nineteen, from Dexter, Michigan, says that she almost peed herself. Oooh, and I think Kyle might win the whole thing. She's actually really pretty.
Either later, the day, or when enough time has passed for Jay to change into an equally hideous ensemble, the girls gather by the Hilton pool. He tells them that they're going to have a posing challenge. And then we get a shot of two boyishly-dressed girls, one of whom is a cheap Avril Lavigne knockoff and one of whom is foxy. Drool. What can I say, people, I am not made of stone. Jay announces that he needed some help judging the competition, and out walks Miss J. Alexander who is wearing some fancy heels and a do-rag, as is his custom. He totally towers over Jay Manuel, which is why I think Jay always seems so teeny even though rumor has it he's actually a fair-sized man and not small at all. That he is orange as freshly mixed Tang is undisputed, though.
The girls are brought up two by two to pose as the Jays dictate. The boyish girls are first. Let's not pay any attention to the Avril one, because she sucks. The foxy one (who is Kim) is foxy despite the presence of knee-length denim shorts. They each give a "supermodel sexy" pose, and Miss J. calls Kim "masculine sexy." And I'm sure that's the last time we'll hear the words "masculine" where Kim is involved. Two different girls are told to be edgy, and then the Jays start telling them to look like other models -- Linda Evangelista, Adriana Lima, and Gisele Bundchen. How the hell are you supposed to do that? It's not like saying, "Talk like Nipsy Russell," which would clearly indicate that you were supposed to speak in snappy rhyming couplets. Jay then tells the girls to give a Tyra Banks pose (eyes alive, everyone!), and as they try, out walks the real Tyra. Nicole, twenty, from the apparently Osmond-cloning haven of Grand Forks, North Dakota, says that she's never been around a celebrity, and that, in this case, "it's not just a little celebrity, it's TYRA BANKS." Way to get yourself a raise, Mr. Editor. Ebony runs up to hug Tyra and then interviews, "I'm embracing Tyra and she's embracing me and I'm going absolutely crazy!" "Going"?
Tyra tells the girls to look at their competition. She says that it's not always the prettiest girl who makes it (yeah, we know), nor is it the edgiest girl, but the one who has something extra special. She says that she's looking for girls who are like, "Tyra, here I am, I'm better than this bitch right to me!" And I guess this means that Tyra would have liked Janice more if she hadn't actually been the bitch right to Janice. Tyra sashays off with the Jays.
Auditions begin! The girls go to meet Tyra and the Jays, who make up a tiny interview panel. Bre introduces herself. Her real name is Brittany. Perhaps I will start calling myself "Tre." Bre says that she gets frustrated at the mentality in Harlem where, if I am interpreting her correctly, people become very complacent in their social and economic situations. We then find out that Bre is messy and sometimes doesn't bathe herself. Miss J. smells her armpit. That is something you should only do to someone you love, and only then with extreme caution. Bre says that she doesn't have a problem speaking her mind and sticking up for herself. After she leaves, Tyra says that she's spunky, and Miss J. sniffs the air and says that she's funky.
is Kyle, who appears slightly less pretty in her peach-colored culottes. She works at the Dexter Dairy Queen and loves it. I would love working at a Diary Queen, too, because it is the birthplace of delicious. ["I wholeheartedly agree. Peanut Buster Parfait 4Eva!" -- Wing Chun] Kyle says that she has a very normal life and a great family, despite the fact that they named her after a man. She says that her normal upbringing sets her apart from the other girls who are abused or have kids, and adds that fellow contestant Kim is the first lesbian she's ever met. She says it not with disgust but rather a bit of wonder, like she's just seen a unicorn or minotaur or something. Tyra contends that Kyle has met lesbians before but just hasn't known it. I kind of hope that she will call Kyle's mom a lesbian, just for the hell of it, but alas, she does not. Kyle interviews that she's very open-minded and is always "the nice girl." And she actually does seem kind of nice, so we'll wait for her to prove us wrong.
is the aforementioned Kim, who strolls in with her bad babydyke self. She looks a little less hot and a more pudgy-faced, and says that she's a student at Wesleyan. She tells the panel that she can bring something different to the modeling world, that she has a somewhat masculine look, and that she's a big lez. Woo! She says that she's out and proud, and Tyra kind of tells her not to be so out and proud. Given the company that Tyra keeps, I find this a little odd. Also, shut up, Tyra. Kim strikes a pose for the panel, and it is about the stupidest pose I've ever seen. After she leaves, Jay says that she looked like a football player, which I am sad to report she actually kind of did.
is Jayla, twenty, from Tucson, Arizona. Looks-wise, she's kind of like a skankier Norelle. She says that she was raised a Jehovah's Witness but has strayed. She's a fornicator, a smoker, and a midnight toker. She says that she still believes in the religion, but is trying to get everything out of her system now. I always love that excuse. She models a swimsuit and displays some bony-ass ribs and gorgeous eyes. Miss J. tells her that she's on the Jehovah's layaway plan -- buy now, pray later. She agrees.
we meet Nicole again, who tells us that she doesn't get along with her mother. She says she's jealous of her sister, whom her mom believes to be a perfect child. I am just warning Nicole that if she wants to compete for America's Top Sob Story, she needs to step up her game because "My mommy doesn't like me" won't cut it in Lupustown. Tyra asks if Nicole thinks her sister would have gotten on ANTM, and Nicole says that she's cuter than her sister. We see a picture, and alas, it is true. Nicole also says that her sister doesn't have a personality like hers, and suddenly sister is back on the board. Nicole gets on her knees in front of the panel and says that she will do anything because she wants to be on ANTM so bad. Miss J. tells her never to say she'll do anything, and Tyra weirdly warns her about the casting couch. Nicole interviews that she's so grateful to be there that she won't complain about anything, and I think we all know what that means.
And then, it is finally time for truly riveting television. Some of the girls go to the supermarket. Weird oboe music plays. Nicole wants Chapstick, and she wants the other girls to go to the Chapstick aisle with her. Another girl tells her to get it at the checkout. Nicole says she won't, because the Chapstick is in Aisle 7. Nicole interviews that she needed Chapstick, and that the others freaked out and got mad about it. I seriously do not see what the problem is here. More about the Chapstick. Nicole says again that she needs some Chapstick and JESUS JUST SPLIT THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR CHAPSTICK. And if you're going to make such a big deal about this, at least get a Bonne Bell Lip Smacker. God. Bre tells Nicole that they need to get everything on their list first, and then they can go get the Chapstick. Bre says that if Nicole gets in the house and continues her whining, Bre will stuff her in the closet. Nicole is amenable to this as long as her lips can remain soft and supple whilst encloseted. Commercials.
When we return, the girls appear to be doing some sort of electric-slide-ish dance that I feel I've seen at a wedding or two. Cutting-edge! Fierce!
Nik appears in front of a panel in a Mohawk and some crazy-ass glasses. She looks totally fug even though I think she's pretty deep down. She says that the only person she has to depend on is herself. Tyra tells her to take her hair out because she's giving off a Naima vibe, and we all know how well that's working out for Naima these days. Nik interviews that she's wearing a cheap swimsuit that rides up in her ass, and we see the visual proof. Tyra says that she loves Nik's unconventional, hook-nosed beauty.
is Diane, twenty-three, from Orlando. She is Puerto Rican and a criminal defense investigator. This all makes me wish I were watching Law & Order. Or The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Diane talks a little about her job, and all I get is that she has a friend named Bobo and a really nebulous command of grammar. She's the plus-sized one, and I guess I think she's pretty, but I'm not entirely sure. She says that if any obstacle gets in her way, "you're about to be runned over by Big D." She flirts with Tyra in Spanish. Jay says that her body proportions are great for a plus-sized model.
Then in walks friendless Susanna, and we discover why, despite an absence of any good looks Tyra chose her to be in the final thirty-six: Susanna has had breast cancer. She indelicately explains, "This whole side was just lumps, basically, made up of lumps, so, I mean, they took it all out." She tells Tyra that she has a history of cancer in her family and so was freaking out but just got a test back and it was benign. She says it "B-9" like the vitamin, though. ["Or the bingo ball." -- Wing Chun] And I don't exactly understand if she had cancer or not. She then interviews, in a turn of phrase I would prefer never to hear again, "I was like, oh my god, you're taking my last, like, what I have...my nub."
We then get a montage of girls walking badly with yodeling in the background. All righty, then.
is beauty queen Cassandra, who is proud to be from Texas. She says that Texas is by far the most competitive state for beauty pageants, which says a lot about Texas. Cassandra was Miss Houston Teen USA 2003, which I guess is something of an accomplishment. In her video, she says that she's used to working with hair and makeup people and does exactly what they tell her to do. Oh, sweet, sweet foreshadowing. Tyra -- who, I may add, is looking really good these days -- quizzes Cassandra on current pageant victors, a subject Cassandra knows well. ["Of course, Cassandra could just be making shit up and it's not like Tyra would know the difference." -- Wing Chun] Tyra then asks her to name three current cover girls, and Cassandra struggles. She admits that it sounds like she's more dedicated to pageants than to modeling. Tyra thinks she's beautiful anyway.
we meet the excitable and man-voiced Ashley, twenty-two, from Fort Lauderdale. She's a buyer for a boutique and loves fashion. She proves herself quite knowledgeable when Jay quizzes her. He tells her that she looks like Charlize Theron meets Sharon Stone, and Ashley explains that there is a "pretty gene" in her family. Jay says that they all have that, and Tyra makes a face, indicating that she's going to put Ashley in the finals just so she can cut her first. Ashley interviews that she has great skin tone and a lot of other things working for her, which makes her a perfect wannabe model.
The girls hang out in the hotel and start to ask Cassandra mock-pageant questions. Diane asks her how she feels about President Bush being dumb and from Texas. Cassandra deadpans, "I don't think he's dumb." Lisa -- who we will meet officially in a moment -- asks, "Since you are symbolizing Texas, why do you think you should win this pageant?" Every season I think they can't get any stupider, and every season I am proved wrong. Kim is then interviewed and symbolizes hotness. She says that Cassandra embraces her annoyingness, which is kind of funny.
, a real live drag queen. It is April, twenty-two, from Las Vegas. Tyra says that she likes April's funky personal style, which includes inch-long fake eyelashes the panel asks her to remove. They make her wash off her makeup and come back, and she literally looks about a hundred times better and also like a woman. Sort of. Jay uses one of her eyelashes as a Hitler mustache, and it looks oddly natural.
is Lisa, twenty-four, from Los Angeles, who might be kind of ugly. I can't quite tell. She interviews that she gets excited about every little good thing that happens to her. She then tells the panel that her mom never had any maternal instincts and didn't buy her stuff and was very selfish. She also hints that her mom abused her. Tears. Tyra asks how, when Lisa was obviously so affected by her mother's constant criticism, she's going to deal with the judges' critiques week after week. Lisa says that she can handle anything because she's already had it from the worst source, her mother. And now she actually looks kind of pretty. I am so confused about her face. Tyra can tell that Lisa is giving her all and showing who she is, and would make an excellent guest on The Tyra Banks Show. Lisa says that her heart is too big for her. Tyra is in love with Lisa and thinks she's the sweetest thing in the world, which renders her maybe-ugliness irrelevant. Jay just rolls his eyes, which makes me like him a tiny bit.
Back at the Beverly Hilton, the girls have dinner of sandwiches and Ramen Noodles. Delicious, right? Not according to Nicole. We will call this incident Chapstick II. Nicole says that her noodles taste bad and that she cooked them wrong. I don't know how this is possible, but let's go with it. Bre says that she is sick of Nicole's complaining and wants her to shut up. And I can actually see why Nicole's mom doesn't like her very much. Another girl says that she's ghetto and knows how to cook her Ramen noodles. Nicole interviews that you can't get mad at her for not knowing how to make Ramen noodles. No, but you could get mad at her for ignoring the printed three-step instructions on the lid in favor of a desperate plea for attention. Nicole says that the other girl has been complaining about everything. The girl then says (thank you, captioners!), "Don't even put my name in it 'cause I did not open it 'cause I don't give a damn about them chips." Well, unknown girl, I knew Brandy. I worked with Brandy, and you are no Brandy. Kim offers cookies to try to calm everyone down. I would totally have some of Kim's cookies. Commericals.
When we return, we meet Sarah of the duck lips and "pretty, broad shoulders." She is eighteen (and I am Phyllis Diller) and from Boonville, Missouri. She bears an uncanny resemblance to Jennifer Coolidge. Tyra says that Sarah has lips like Angelina Jolie and speculates that they are real. Sarah confirms this. Tyra then learns that Sarah paid $1,500 to go to a "modeling convention," and gives her little speech about modeling scams. Sarah says that she will shine over the other girls because of her honesty and realness and big-ass lips. If you close your eyes, she sounds exactly like Julia Roberts. Despite the fact that she is built like a linebacker, I think I like her.
And then, losers parade. Whitney, eighteen, from Fairfield, California says that she was a member of Future Farmers of America. They have FFA in California? Jay pretends to be a New Hampshire pig being shown in competition and doesn't stick his ass in the air as much as you'd think he would. is Latricia, eighteen, from Trenton, California, who makes me want to change my name to Latracie, and wants to be a model to get her hair and nails done. Then Krystle, twenty, from Long Beach, says that she wants to put her money toward the U.N. and third-world orphanages. Somewhere, Kofi Annan breathes a sigh of relief and balances his budget. Krystle says that she's tired of people being materialistic, and Tyra kind of awesomely calls bullshit. She points out Krystle's sparkly belt and Prada pumps and asks about Krystle's last venture into the world of community service. Crickets chirp. Krystle asks them to forget everything she just said. The panel laughs at her, because she is an ass.
Some gentle music cues an upcoming story of trauma: enter Coryn (pronounced Core-IN), nineteen, from Minneapolis. She says that she's nervous because she's not used to telling her life story and Miss J. says, "Get ready." And I know people think Coryn looks like a man, but I think she's pretty and really graceful. ["'People' (me) really, really disagree with you and think she makes Michelle from last season look like a big pail of estrogen, but I'm willing to withhold final judgment until after she's had a makeover to fix her eyebrows." -- Wing Chun] Coryn tells us that she never knew her dad and that her mom was on drugs, and explains to the panel that her mom hasn't had a job for two years and that Coryn still lives at home because she's worried about her little sister. Tyra asks if Coryn thinks that her success will help her mom "get out of her own funk." Coryn says no, and Tyra lauds her answer as being very realistic. Tyra goes on to say that people think fame will change everything, but that fame is not magic. No, money is magic. Coryn walks in a swimsuit and is seriously skinny, but still kind of muscular. She interviews that she isn't good with expressing her feelings because she's afraid of being hurt. And for just this second I am glad that Janice isn't on panel this year. I kind of love Coryn. Tyra says that Coryn's not trying to change the world, because she knows she can't, and Miss J. makes fun of her eyebrows, which are HUGE.
up is redheaded Regina, nineteen, from San Mateo, California. Tyra asks if her hair color is real, and Regina says that it is, although she would love to dye it blonde like Jay's. She explains to us that she gained a lot of weight when she turned eighteen and is still trying to get it off. Tyra says that Regina has the white-girl version of Tyra's booty - the jiggle, size, shape, and everything. Being a lingerie model must make you become really familiar with your own ass.
And then comes Ebony, who is SO EXCITED to be there. Ebony is like Kelle but less pretty and more annoying. Chew on that one for a while. Ebony LOVES her high school. She tells the panel that she was born to be a model and has no choice about the matter. Too bad God and his DNA Czars didn't feel the same way. Tyra asks Ebony about her motto, which is "Don't get it twisted." And when I saw the title of this episode, I thought someone was going to have a motto like, "A bird in the bush is worth three in the cooch" or "Don't count all your weaves before they hatch in the basket." I am really disappointed. Miss J. says he heard that Ebony knows all the other girls' names, and she does a run-through of everyone. And if this were America's Top Memory competition, I'd say she has an edge. As it is, she seems like a bit of an underdog. She does have a skinny body with big boobs, though, which I guess is an asset.
Back at the Hilton, one girl calls Ebony out for being fake and talking about people behind their backs. And Ebony totally seems like the type who wants to be liked so much that she'll say anything to impress the person she's with at the moment. But Ebony denies the allegations. Another girl wants to play a round of truth or dare and starts with the question, "If you could punch anybody in this room right now, who would you punch?" Jayla says she'd punch Ebony because she's so over-the-top, energetic, and annoying. Ebony says something to the cameras about people not liking her and that being okay, and then says, "Don't get it twisted." Maybe she likes being punched.
The girls gather the day in a cleared-out hotel conference room, where the Jays tell them that they're going to partake in a fashion show, but as with most shows, there is only room for twenty. The first cut! It's the deepest. The girls size each other up. And then Jay reveals the true Machiavellian twist and stroke of genius for this episode: the sixteen girls who are cut must serve as the audience for the show and support the models that beat them. HA! These are truly the moments when I love this show. The girls run cattle-like through a set of brass doors -- or, as Miss J. calls them, the golden doors through which they'll find their fate -- and try to find their photos on wardrobe racks. Commercials.
And oh my God! They're totally doing My Life as a Cover Girl commercials with Naima! We'll get to follow her to fashion shows and go-sees and to the street corner where she will beg for change. She says that this has been an "a-maaaaazing" time in her life, and that it's only the beginning. And I was a big Naima supporter, but girl's looking kind of rough these days.
When we return, girls are either finding their photos or not. There are tears of happiness and tears of devastation. There is jumping and whooping. Bre, who has found her photo, cries that she's touching her star and is almost becoming it and is almost there. Diane, who has also made it, says something even less intelligible. Susanna of the breast cancer has not been chosen and tearfully says that she's always been a failure at everything. I guess it's hard to argue with that. Latricia says that she's very strong and doesn't like people to see her cry, but that she wanted to be on Top Model so bad that she was reduced to tears on the floor. I am sometimes reduced to tears on the floor by this show, but for different reasons.
The losers take their seats in the audience while the final twenty quickly and sassily get ready backstage. Someone yells, "Don't take any tags off!" HA! Despite what appears to be a bigger budget in Season 5, UPN is totally going to return these clothes to T.J. Maxx. Pretty Gene Ashley interviews that they're all winners right now, but she's going to be the one who ends up with the contract so has to step up her game. We'll see about that, Howard Hubris. Duck-lipped Sarah says that she's most scared of falling because she has a habit of tripping everywhere. Foreshadowing and friends start a kick-line on Sarah's four-inch stiletto heel.
The final twenty walk as the Jays and the losers look on. They walk okay until we get to Sarah. She stumbles a bit when she gets to the end of the runway, and notes that, while she did her best, a trip probably puts her at a disadvantage. We'll see about that. Kim, while looking smoking-hot, walks like a beast. She admits that it's a disaster. Regina's belly flubs all over the place when she walks, and Miss J. says, "She shoulda sucked that in." And I have learned over the past year of weight-gain-around-the middle that you must either cover it up or suck it in. These are the things you discover when you age. Diane looks confident as she walks, and as soon as she gets backstage, we get a shot of her taking off her shirt to show us her giant rack. The girls do a final walk to applause, and then whoop it up backstage. Jay tells them that they did a good job, but that there is still going to be another cut. Bre, I guess in an attempt to show us that she's the nice version of Yaya, says that it's hard to think about anyone leaving because everyone has a special something about them.
We return to Tyra and the Jays privately discussing which girls will make the final cut. Jay says that Kim looked like a broken-down caboose on the runway. He is wearing a t-shirt that reads, "Friend with privileges." He thinks that part of Kim's problem is that she was trying to look feminine, i.e. not like herself. Tyra asks whether she looked like a man in a dress, and Jay says that no man ever looked that bad in a dress. Mr. Jay, I direct your attention to one Patrick Swayze. Tyra says that Kim's top lip is drawn like a cartoon character's. Miss J. doesn't see Ashley's pretty gene. Tyra thinks she's beautiful but perhaps a bit too actressy. Lisa's turn on the runway was impressive, but Jay is scared to see her in a photo situation because of the kind-of-maybe-ugliness. Tyra likes Bre's wide-set eyes but think she's a bit rough. Tyra approximates what she thinks is a Harlem actress. Jay likes Jayla, but Miss J. thinks she might have rickets. The camera loves Nik. Sarah was broad and lacks grace. Miss J. and Tyra love her full lips. Jay loves Ebony's skin and eyes. Tyra likes happy, pretty Kyle, and Jay thinks she's a perfect commercial model. Miss J. thinks Cassandra is beautiful, but Jay and Tyra argue that she's pinched. ["Word. She's like a pointier Sandra Bullock." -- Wing Chun] Tyra is on the fence with drag queen April. Miss J. says that Coryn needs an eyebrow tweezing kit. Jay loves Nicole, Cup O Noodles and all. Miss J. loves Regina's face, but her body type is a bit fleshy. Tyra thinks she should gain weight and become a plus-sized model. Miss J. thinks that Diane can take the title, but Jay thinks that while she's great up close, she doesn't carry from a distance.
The girls gather together to hear who the final thirteen will be. Lisa says that she's confident: "I'm the jam. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to butter their bread with me." I would contend that it's because she might be the toe jam. Ebony says that she'll be crushed if she's eliminated. Beauty Queen Cassandra is called first, which makes me wish Tyra had given a caveat that the girls were announced in no specific order. Nik makes it, as do Kyle, Ashley, Bre, Kim, duck lip Sarah, Jayla (who looks remarkably like Rachel Dratch in profile), and Coryn (who Tyra says has a lot riding on the competition). Tyra asks what Coryn is feeling, and Coryn says, "I did it." Coryn is totally going to be this season's exploited one. Nicole is called and cries as if her Chapstick got put through the wash. Diane is called, as is Lisa. Tyra says that the thirteenth and last girl is someone Tyra didn't think should be a finalist until the one-on-one session. Thus we learn that Ebony's butt-kissing truly did work, and she makes it in. Pretty Regina, the drag queen and other unknowns are sad. Regina says that she doesn't normally wear her heart on her sleeve, but that she tried being emotionally open during this process and it sucked, so she's going back to being dead inside. Nice work, Tyra. And with that, the unlucky thirteen celebrate, and we have plenty of crushed dreams to look forward to in the weeks to come.