Previously on ANTM: Thirty-six bitches, twenty bitches, thirteen bitches. And, after a brief commercial break, we are thrust directly into the second episode of the two-part premiere. We are at the Beverly Hills city hall, where the finalists are met by the two Jays. Jay Manuel is tastefully dressed in all black, which makes him look like the jack-o-lantern version of Johnny Cash. Ashley interviews that she was expecting a challenge, but the Jays have other things in store. Jay tells the girls that Beverly Hills is where stars are made, and that, to be a top model you need to look and be like a star. J. Alexander adds that they'll try to make the girls look like stars, but that only one can be the real star of America's Top Model. They're like a modern-day Hepburn and Tracy, these two, with their clever patter.
Jay adds that the girls will be going on a tour of stars' homes and says that only one person could give such a tour. He instructs everyone to give it up for...Robin Leach. Yes, that's right. The powers that be at UPN decided to go au courant and high-fashion and get Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous host Robin Leach to show the girls around Beverly Hills. It is rumored that, in an upcoming episode, Uncle Milty will be escorting them on their go-sees. The girls whoop it up like they have any idea who Robin Leach is. Robin tells the girls to "come on down" and get on a double-decker bus, and for a second I think Bob Barker will be the driver. This show has become an AARP convention. Ashley says that all she could think of was champagne wishes and caviar dreams, while Lisa marvels that Robin Leach is still alive.
Robin says that he wanted to start the tour with a bit of champagne, but given all the under agedness going on, apple cider will have to do. He hands the bottle to Lisa, who takes a big swig sans glass. Some of the girls laugh, but Cassandra interviews that Lisa is a classless whore: "Even though I may have been raised more privileged than some people, there's no reason to rub that in people's faces." Cassandra also looks vaguely like a warthog, but doesn't want to rub that in people's faces either. The girls toast to America's Top Model.
The tour first rolls down Rodeo Drive. Sarah says that she's from Boonville, Missouri, and that Los Angeles is like a movie to her. Bound, perhaps. Robin tells the girls that Beverly Hills has the most expensive real estate in the world and is home to "all the top fashion people," such as Christie Brinkley, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer, Elle MacPherson, and Methuselah. He says, "When you're a top model, this is where you'll live!" If you don't want to work, that is, or have designs on becoming the Oprah, but tackier.
Robin tells the girls that they have saved the most fabulous place on the tour for last. Kyle thinks that it's Tyra's house, but Robin tells them that it is in fact their new place. Bitches. The girls rush in and immediately start screaming. There are pictures of Tyra and past Top Model contestants everywhere, and the house is set up like a department store. It's basically like being trapped in the mall at night, which is, I think, the plot of some young adult movie and also a recurring nightmare I had as a child. I knew Tyra was going to get back at me for all those rib comments. As is the show's custom, each room has a pithy name like "Bling It On" and "Eau de Model." The latter smells like Chlamydia. The annoying girls self-select, and so Ebony and Nicole end up as roommates. Bre notes that she went from working in a boutique to sleeping in a boutique, and at this moment I will not go into a gratuitous story about the crazy woman I work with who sometimes sleeps in her office. Unless she's reading this, in which case I have no idea what I'm talking about. Bre starts crying from joy. Ashley and Kim take a room together and interview that they've been friends since the beginning. Jayla points out the hot tub in the middle of the house, which I'm sure will be the scene of some shenanigans later in the season.
“ Tyra Mail! The first of the season. It reads, 'Do you have high self- esteem? How much are you worth? Be ready at 4 PM.' They are going to sell the girls off like illegal immigrant hookers! I knew this day would come. ”
A few of the girls look at pictures of past contestants, and someone points out Season 2 victor "Yolanda" [sic]. Meanwhile, by the pool, a few of the small-towners conduct some field research in Sapphic studies, asking Kim if she's bi. She says she only dates girls, to which I say, call me. Kim interviews that a lot of the girls in the house don't know anyone who is gay, and that's exciting for them. She adds that she misses her girlfriend from home, and that she's in an open relationship but doesn't plan on acting on their lack of monogamy. And I am suddenly saddened that I appear to be watching a predictable episode of The Real World. Kim tells the others that her girlfriend can make out with all the boys she wants while Kim is gone, as long as she wants Kim when she gets back. Oh, Kim. Come over to my place and we can talk over all your troubles. Kim says the notion that she'd make out with anyone in the Top Model house is crazy, and Sarah is eager to pipe up with an "I'll make out with you Kim." It's always the ones from Boonville. Sarah says that, being from a small town, she doesn't know any "full-blown lesbians," but that she's open about everything. And by "open," she means "harboring secret fantasies about the puss."
Lisa interviews that all of the girls will probably get on each other's nerves at some point but that she's looking forward to tomorrow and at the beginning of the competition.
The day the girls sit around and discuss breakfast. Cassandra chirps that she likes cereal, before noticing with horror that her feet are dirty. She says in a snitty tone that the house is dirty, to which I respond GET YOUR FUCKING FEET OFF OF THE COUNTERTOP. But I guess them is privileged manners. Nicole interviews that Cassandra is a control freak and drives everyone nuts. And if Nicole thinks that you are annoying, it might be time for a little self-reflection. We get a montage of Cassandra complaining that her room is small, that the pool is cold, and that Yoanna drove her nuts. Poor Yoanna gets no respect. Kyle remembers Season 2 Catie crying her eyes out when her hair was cut, and she tells Cassandra not to cry if they cut her hair because it will grow back. "Uhhh, yeah, in three years," says Cassandra. Oh, I cannot wait until the makeover episode. Kyle interviews that Cassandra seems to think that she's better than everyone else, and Lisa says that Cassandra's spoiled, which will be her weakness.
Tyra Mail! The first of the season. It reads, "Do you have high self-esteem? How much are you worth? Be ready at 4 PM." They are going to sell the girls off like illegal immigrant hookers! I knew this day would come. A driver rings the doorbell and announces that he will take them around in a gigantic stretch SUV limousine. Now that is a bit excessive. The limo is decked out with pink fabric, zebra stripes, makeup, and Top Model everything -- even Top Model water (fresh from "you look like an amputee" springs). The girls are excited. They pull up to a nightclub on Hollywood Boulevard where they meet Jay Manuel, who is wearing a pink blazer and short, wide, striped tie. He tells the girls that they are having a huge fashion event that night -- "very bling in L.A." -- run by Life & style magazine. He says that there will be fashionistas, press, and celebrities (Carol Channing!), and that the girls will be walking in the show. He notes that there is a red carpet outside, and the camera quite hilariously cuts to a tall staircase with a little red carpet running up it. This event is clearly only for the very famous. Sarah says that her heart jumped and sank at the same time because she doesn't know how to walk. There is a shot of her frowning in which she appears very pretty, because she looks a hundred times better when her mouth is shut. Commercials.
When we return...fashion show! There seems to be quite a crowd, with celebrities including the one and only MISS TORI SPELLING! Wow, Robin Leach and Tori Spelling in the SAME EPISODE! I don't know how they'll top this. Nigel and Miss J. sit in the audience. Backstage, Jay tells the girls that they have to get their own makeup ready. They run to a set of mirrors in front of which multiple Cover Girl products are lined up. Bre says that she's no makeup expert, so she is sticking with what she knows. At the end of the lineup, Kim twitters that she has never worn makeup and doesn't know how to use it. Girl, you went to Wesleyan. I'm sure you can figure out how to use eyeliner. But no, she says she wants to use the liner to write with. Kim asks who wants to help her with the makeup, and Ashley conspicuously walks away. Ebony narrates that Ashley told Kim to figure it out, which hurt Kim because the two are friends and roommates. Ebony offers to help her. Ashley interviews that helping other people wasn't her concern, and I really can't fault her for that. A made-up Kim -- who apparently needs a few more lessons -- interviews that, as much as she likes her, Ashley can't be trusted.
The girls are outfitted and accessorized. Nik calls the runway -- which is basically a square with two sides extended out -- "the most hectic puzzle ever." Somewhere in Games Magazine, a cryptogram gets very offended. Kyle says that the tricky runway was given to them for a reason, and that two girls will have to walk simultaneously. Diane, who is not going to be America's Top Model, says that eventually the girls will cross one another, and Cassandra speculates that they'll fall on their faces. The girls look for space to practice their walks backstage in their ridiculous shoes, and Sarah speculates that she has the worst walk. Footage from the semi-finals backs this up. She reconsiders and says that she doesn't think she has a bad walk, just bad balance.
Jay welcomes the girls to "the real glamorous life of a model," and quickly introduces them to hip-hop artist Nate Dogg, who is going to be the MC for the evening. Frida Cor-lo tells us that Nate Dogg is a hip-hop icon, which is helpful to me. Jay tells the girls that Nate Dogg will give them the "vibe" for their walk, and that they need to take what he says and put their top model spin on it. Clear on that? Nate first introduces Ashley, who must walk like a "sensual" woman. Bre is "quirky," and tells us in retrospect that she was fierce on the runway. Cassandra is "posh," which is a real stretch. Coryn is "regal," and notes that the girls kept walking into one another on the complicated runway. Diane kind of sideswipes Coryn. Jayla is spunky. Ebony is "avant-garde," which is pretty stupid. Nik is "cutting-edge." Kim is "sassy." She says that she'll probably laugh when she sees herself walk on the runway (true dat), but that she loves having people look at her. Lisa is "feisty." Nicole is "ferocious," and uses thoughts of someone stealing her Chapstick as motivation. Kyle is "confident." Sarah is "glitzy." She glitzily trips on her glitzy gown and totally loses all confidence. The crowd murmurs about how much she sucks, and she admits that the experience was humiliating. But, like, she knew she was auditioning for the show. Practice walking in heels! ["I love how Nate Dogg was like, 'She still fine.' Heh." -- Wing Chun] The girls go through another round as things get hectic backstage. Lisa says that she loves the chaos. Nicole notes that Sarah needs walking lessons, and fast. Sarah comes out again as "queenly" in a leather minidress. She stumbles yet again and walks like she is Cro-Magnon man. Diane says that the show was good overall, but that people probably noticed that they were amateurs. She might actually say "immature," but I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt. Jay tells them that it was the worst fashion show he's ever done, but a good effort on their part. Sarah, still sore from her failure on the runway, can't manage to get her shirt to cover her bra. She frowns.
“ Coryn says that she knows she will have obstacles to overcome in this competition, and that her fear of heights is just one. Her eyebrows are two and three. ”
Speaking of Ashley, she's in the harness. Her outfit is somewhat better than Kim's, though Jay keeps yelling that she's losing her neck. Afterward, Ashley says that she's not sure how she did, but that she doesn't have a great feeling, and that, while it sounds like an excuse, it's really a matter of physics that she can only stretch her body so much. Jay says that Ashley definitely struggled, and that they only got one good shot. , Jay tells Bre (who is in an outfit similar to Kim's, but silver) that she has to give 100% or it's only going to look like she's giving 5%. Maybe Jay is secretly a Good Will Hunting-style math genius who has decided to slum it for a while. Bre does a good job, although Jay asks what she was thinking in one legs-akimbo pose, because it looks like she's descending down "to take a dump on the superhero throne." In addition to being a math wizard, rumor has it that Jay's also reclusive postmodern author Thomas Pynchon.
Nik says that it's kind of weird to be a superhero, and that, at the ripe old age of twenty-one, she prefers Barbie and girly stuff to superheroes. Jay tells her to be a superhero, not a ballerina, and she "turns it out."
Kyle says that she looks like a crazy Rainbow Brite. She seems to do a pretty decent job.
As she watches Diane being lifted up, Coryn tells us that she's terrified of heights. There's always one. Coryn says that she knows she will have obstacles to overcome in this competition, and that her fear of heights is just one. Her eyebrows are two and three. Jay tells Diane not just to pose in the air, and quickly says that they got their shot and she's done.
Lisa says that she's excited, and Jay tells her, "I want all ten frames excellent outta you." Lisa says that she doesn't think any of the girls will do better than she does, and in all fairness, her makeup and outfit are a lot cooler than some of the others. Jay tells her as she poses that she's like his Matrix fantasy. She interviews more about how great she was. And really, she looks pretty great.
Coryn, who is still afraid. The other girls look on. Jay tells her that she'll be okay. She interviews that she has to stay focused in the air and do the best she can. Jay says that he was impressed with Coryn's courage.
Jayla and Cassandra chat about their black villain outfits, and Jayla says it looks like one of her Halloween costumes. Cassandra says she looks like she's about to kill Nicole, and then strikes a killing-Nicole pose. She interviews that she'd much rather be a superhero than a villain, but since she's a good guy in real life, she can now show her dark side. Jay says that he expected something safer from the pageant queen, but that she rocked it.