Woo ha and welcome to Season 5 of America's Top Model! We begin with a pre-credits montage of audition tapes, which includes a blonde with duck lips, someone who filmed her video in her high school's AV store room, and...Tyra Banks. Not even a minute into the show and the shenanigans have already begun! Then we see a cute curly-headed girl, a nondescript blonde and...oh, it's Tyra again. An Osmond, another nondescript blonde, and...Tyra. A girl on a trampoline and...Tyra. And more Tyra. Still Tyra. And yet more Tyra. And if you want to know in a nutshell what this show is really about, review those last three sentences.
We're at LAX, where the thirty six finalists are arriving. And I'm sure the decision to film in L.A. again has everything to do with its reputation as a burgeoning fashion capital and nothing at all to do with Tyra's crappy new talk show. And in all fairness, how could she possibly have a professional plastic surgeon assess the authenticity of her boobs on-air if they were in New York? Cassandra, nineteen, from Houston, says that she's competed in a lot of beauty pageants and her communications expert...hold up. Did she just say, "My communications expert"? I would think that any communications expert worth his salt would tell clients not to start sentences with "My communications expert says..." It only communicates creepiness. Anyway, the communications expert tells Cassandra not to worry about the competition: "You're here for you." And for that shiny tiara and to rub it in the face of that bitch Miss North Dakota. It appears that Cassandra is going to do nothing to debunk stereotypes about pageant contestants. is fluorescent-shod Bre, twenty, from Harlem, who says something about being ashy, I guess to indicate to us that she is a sistah. Nik, twenty-one, from Atlanta, says that she's not here to win the competition; she is the competition. Nik is also not here to make sense, because she is the sense. A girl in a ski jacket asks another competitor to help her with her bags. Her request goes unanswered. She is Susanna, nineteen, from Carthage, New York, and says that she has a lot of acquaintances but no friends. And I am sorry to say that it might actually be because she's not very pretty. I think Susanna might have gotten lost on her way to Extreme Makeover.
The girls convene at the Beverly Hilton, where introductions are made and rivalries are formed. Ebony, eighteen, from Sylmar, California, says that she's sizing up her competition and that she's intimidated because the girls are gorgeous. Oh, not another one with the retinitis pigmentosa. She ends with, "Don't get it twisted," which I will address later. And then, just when you thought things couldn't get worse, out walks Jay Manuel, dressed in a pink striped blazer that makes him look like Malibu Orange Man. The girls all rush over to hug him. I hope none of them is wearing white. Jay tells the girls that they probably all know who he is; sadly, he is probably right. He also says that he will be the creative director for all photo shoots again, which ensures us a season's worth of gold bodysuits and feathered headgear. Jay says that it's time to work, and that the girls need to live, breathe, eat, and sleep this business. I wish he'd live, breathe, eat and sleep asbestos. Kyle, nineteen, from Dexter, Michigan, says that she almost peed herself. Oooh, and I think Kyle might win the whole thing. She's actually really pretty.
Either later, the day, or when enough time has passed for Jay to change into an equally hideous ensemble, the girls gather by the Hilton pool. He tells them that they're going to have a posing challenge. And then we get a shot of two boyishly-dressed girls, one of whom is a cheap Avril Lavigne knockoff and one of whom is foxy. Drool. What can I say, people, I am not made of stone. Jay announces that he needed some help judging the competition, and out walks Miss J. Alexander who is wearing some fancy heels and a do-rag, as is his custom. He totally towers over Jay Manuel, which is why I think Jay always seems so teeny even though rumor has it he's actually a fair-sized man and not small at all. That he is orange as freshly mixed Tang is undisputed, though.
The girls are brought up two by two to pose as the Jays dictate. The boyish girls are first. Let's not pay any attention to the Avril one, because she sucks. The foxy one (who is Kim) is foxy despite the presence of knee-length denim shorts. They each give a "supermodel sexy" pose, and Miss J. calls Kim "masculine sexy." And I'm sure that's the last time we'll hear the words "masculine" where Kim is involved. Two different girls are told to be edgy, and then the Jays start telling them to look like other models -- Linda Evangelista, Adriana Lima, and Gisele Bundchen. How the hell are you supposed to do that? It's not like saying, "Talk like Nipsy Russell," which would clearly indicate that you were supposed to speak in snappy rhyming couplets. Jay then tells the girls to give a Tyra Banks pose (eyes alive, everyone!), and as they try, out walks the real Tyra. Nicole, twenty, from the apparently Osmond-cloning haven of Grand Forks, North Dakota, says that she's never been around a celebrity, and that, in this case, "it's not just a little celebrity, it's TYRA BANKS." Way to get yourself a raise, Mr. Editor. Ebony runs up to hug Tyra and then interviews, "I'm embracing Tyra and she's embracing me and I'm going absolutely crazy!" "Going"?
Tyra tells the girls to look at their competition. She says that it's not always the prettiest girl who makes it (yeah, we know), nor is it the edgiest girl, but the one who has something extra special. She says that she's looking for girls who are like, "Tyra, here I am, I'm better than this bitch right to me!" And I guess this means that Tyra would have liked Janice more if she hadn't actually been the bitch right to Janice. Tyra sashays off with the Jays.
Auditions begin! The girls go to meet Tyra and the Jays, who make up a tiny interview panel. Bre introduces herself. Her real name is Brittany. Perhaps I will start calling myself "Tre." Bre says that she gets frustrated at the mentality in Harlem where, if I am interpreting her correctly, people become very complacent in their social and economic situations. We then find out that Bre is messy and sometimes doesn't bathe herself. Miss J. smells her armpit. That is something you should only do to someone you love, and only then with extreme caution. Bre says that she doesn't have a problem speaking her mind and sticking up for herself. After she leaves, Tyra says that she's spunky, and Miss J. sniffs the air and says that she's funky.
“ I am just warning Nicole that if she wants to compete for America's Top Sob Story, she needs to step up her game because 'My mommy doesn't like me' won't cut it in Lupustown. ”
is Kyle, who appears slightly less pretty in her peach-colored culottes. She works at the Dexter Dairy Queen and loves it. I would love working at a Diary Queen, too, because it is the birthplace of delicious. ["I wholeheartedly agree. Peanut Buster Parfait 4Eva!" -- Wing Chun] Kyle says that she has a very normal life and a great family, despite the fact that they named her after a man. She says that her normal upbringing sets her apart from the other girls who are abused or have kids, and adds that fellow contestant Kim is the first lesbian she's ever met. She says it not with disgust but rather a bit of wonder, like she's just seen a unicorn or minotaur or something. Tyra contends that Kyle has met lesbians before but just hasn't known it. I kind of hope that she will call Kyle's mom a lesbian, just for the hell of it, but alas, she does not. Kyle interviews that she's very open-minded and is always "the nice girl." And she actually does seem kind of nice, so we'll wait for her to prove us wrong.
is the aforementioned Kim, who strolls in with her bad babydyke self. She looks a little less hot and a more pudgy-faced, and says that she's a student at Wesleyan. She tells the panel that she can bring something different to the modeling world, that she has a somewhat masculine look, and that she's a big lez. Woo! She says that she's out and proud, and Tyra kind of tells her not to be so out and proud. Given the company that Tyra keeps, I find this a little odd. Also, shut up, Tyra. Kim strikes a pose for the panel, and it is about the stupidest pose I've ever seen. After she leaves, Jay says that she looked like a football player, which I am sad to report she actually kind of did.
is Jayla, twenty, from Tucson, Arizona. Looks-wise, she's kind of like a skankier Norelle. She says that she was raised a Jehovah's Witness but has strayed. She's a fornicator, a smoker, and a midnight toker. She says that she still believes in the religion, but is trying to get everything out of her system now. I always love that excuse. She models a swimsuit and displays some bony-ass ribs and gorgeous eyes. Miss J. tells her that she's on the Jehovah's layaway plan -- buy now, pray later. She agrees.
we meet Nicole again, who tells us that she doesn't get along with her mother. She says she's jealous of her sister, whom her mom believes to be a perfect child. I am just warning Nicole that if she wants to compete for America's Top Sob Story, she needs to step up her game because "My mommy doesn't like me" won't cut it in Lupustown. Tyra asks if Nicole thinks her sister would have gotten on ANTM, and Nicole says that she's cuter than her sister. We see a picture, and alas, it is true. Nicole also says that her sister doesn't have a personality like hers, and suddenly sister is back on the board. Nicole gets on her knees in front of the panel and says that she will do anything because she wants to be on ANTM so bad. Miss J. tells her never to say she'll do anything, and Tyra weirdly warns her about the casting couch. Nicole interviews that she's so grateful to be there that she won't complain about anything, and I think we all know what that means.
And then, it is finally time for truly riveting television. Some of the girls go to the supermarket. Weird oboe music plays. Nicole wants Chapstick, and she wants the other girls to go to the Chapstick aisle with her. Another girl tells her to get it at the checkout. Nicole says she won't, because the Chapstick is in Aisle 7. Nicole interviews that she needed Chapstick, and that the others freaked out and got mad about it. I seriously do not see what the problem is here. More about the Chapstick. Nicole says again that she needs some Chapstick and JESUS JUST SPLIT THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR CHAPSTICK. And if you're going to make such a big deal about this, at least get a Bonne Bell Lip Smacker. God. Bre tells Nicole that they need to get everything on their list first, and then they can go get the Chapstick. Bre says that if Nicole gets in the house and continues her whining, Bre will stuff her in the closet. Nicole is amenable to this as long as her lips can remain soft and supple whilst encloseted. Commercials.
When we return, the girls appear to be doing some sort of electric-slide-ish dance that I feel I've seen at a wedding or two. Cutting-edge! Fierce!
Nik appears in front of a panel in a Mohawk and some crazy-ass glasses. She looks totally fug even though I think she's pretty deep down. She says that the only person she has to depend on is herself. Tyra tells her to take her hair out because she's giving off a Naima vibe, and we all know how well that's working out for Naima these days. Nik interviews that she's wearing a cheap swimsuit that rides up in her ass, and we see the visual proof. Tyra says that she loves Nik's unconventional, hook-nosed beauty.
is Diane, twenty-three, from Orlando. She is Puerto Rican and a criminal defense investigator. This all makes me wish I were watching Law & Order. Or The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Diane talks a little about her job, and all I get is that she has a friend named Bobo and a really nebulous command of grammar. She's the plus-sized one, and I guess I think she's pretty, but I'm not entirely sure. She says that if any obstacle gets in her way, "you're about to be runned over by Big D." She flirts with Tyra in Spanish. Jay says that her body proportions are great for a plus-sized model.
Then in walks friendless Susanna, and we discover why, despite an absence of any good looks Tyra chose her to be in the final thirty-six: Susanna has had breast cancer. She indelicately explains, "This whole side was just lumps, basically, made up of lumps, so, I mean, they took it all out." She tells Tyra that she has a history of cancer in her family and so was freaking out but just got a test back and it was benign. She says it "B-9" like the vitamin, though. ["Or the bingo ball." -- Wing Chun] And I don't exactly understand if she had cancer or not. She then interviews, in a turn of phrase I would prefer never to hear again, "I was like, oh my god, you're taking my last, like, what I have...my nub."
“ Cassandra says that she's used to working with hair and makeup people and does exactly what they tell her to do. Oh, sweet, sweet foreshadowing. ”
We then get a montage of girls walking badly with yodeling in the background. All righty, then.
is beauty queen Cassandra, who is proud to be from Texas. She says that Texas is by far the most competitive state for beauty pageants, which says a lot about Texas. Cassandra was Miss Houston Teen USA 2003, which I guess is something of an accomplishment. In her video, she says that she's used to working with hair and makeup people and does exactly what they tell her to do. Oh, sweet, sweet foreshadowing. Tyra -- who, I may add, is looking really good these days -- quizzes Cassandra on current pageant victors, a subject Cassandra knows well. ["Of course, Cassandra could just be making shit up and it's not like Tyra would know the difference." -- Wing Chun] Tyra then asks her to name three current cover girls, and Cassandra struggles. She admits that it sounds like she's more dedicated to pageants than to modeling. Tyra thinks she's beautiful anyway.
we meet the excitable and man-voiced Ashley, twenty-two, from Fort Lauderdale. She's a buyer for a boutique and loves fashion. She proves herself quite knowledgeable when Jay quizzes her. He tells her that she looks like Charlize Theron meets Sharon Stone, and Ashley explains that there is a "pretty gene" in her family. Jay says that they all have that, and Tyra makes a face, indicating that she's going to put Ashley in the finals just so she can cut her first. Ashley interviews that she has great skin tone and a lot of other things working for her, which makes her a perfect wannabe model.
The girls hang out in the hotel and start to ask Cassandra mock-pageant questions. Diane asks her how she feels about President Bush being dumb and from Texas. Cassandra deadpans, "I don't think he's dumb." Lisa -- who we will meet officially in a moment -- asks, "Since you are symbolizing Texas, why do you think you should win this pageant?" Every season I think they can't get any stupider, and every season I am proved wrong. Kim is then interviewed and symbolizes hotness. She says that Cassandra embraces her annoyingness, which is kind of funny.
, a real live drag queen. It is April, twenty-two, from Las Vegas. Tyra says that she likes April's funky personal style, which includes inch-long fake eyelashes the panel asks her to remove. They make her wash off her makeup and come back, and she literally looks about a hundred times better and also like a woman. Sort of. Jay uses one of her eyelashes as a Hitler mustache, and it looks oddly natural.