Previously: Chaos! Crazy photo shoots! Fourteen finalists have "weathered the toughest competition yet," which in layman's terms means "suffered with Tyra through her nervous breakdown." Three girls remain, and one of these will be named America's Top Model, and in a glorious three weeks will be crowned America's Top Has-Been. The lucky contenders are:
Kahlen, the "small-town girl from Oklahoma" who came to this competition with "absolutely no experience." Yeah, I don't know about that. But everyone thought Kahlen looked like Carmen Kass, and so lobbed the word "fierce" at her at every opportunity. However, Kahlen has some confidence issues and, quite frankly, often looks like crap in person. Also, she lacks experience with the man meat. Kahlen needs to prove to the judges that she believes in herself enough to take it to "the level."
Then we have Naima, a "reformed party girl" who came to L.A. embracing a "new, quiet, dignified self." We see her telling the judges in auditions that she carried around a lot of anger, but now her Mohawk is helping to center her thoughts. Well, that and the heavy doses of medication that result in her slow speech pattern. I must say that Naima's highlights served her well, because she looks kind of odd when I see her now with very dark hair. Naima's unique, multi-ethnic look and newfound focus and determination helped her to rock the challenges. She now needs to find out the difference between keeping it together and keeping it all inside. In other words, shed some tears and tell Tyra how grateful you are if you want to stand a chance, bitches.
And then there's Keenyah, who is a hog and in no way is going to win. I mean, clearly when they show all the bad stuff you did during the season in the highlight reel, you don't stand a chance. We see footage of her complaining about her haircut in the makeover episode, pushing Kahlen out of the way at a go-see, and flabbing around on the beach with her not so flat tummy. That last one made me do twenty push-ups on the spot. Janice yells at Keenyah to lose some weight. Tyra punnily asks us, "Will Keenyah's appetite for victory convince the judges that she can look the part of a top model?" Though I am shamed to admit it, I still think Keenyah is pretty.
And tonight we will find out who wins! And it will be glorious! Well, for me, anyway.
We are still in Cape Town, where there are lovely animals including fun and stocky little penguins (many of whom I hoped were able to be shipped to Massachusetts to finally make their domestic partnerships legal). Kahlen says to the penguins, "'ello li'il guys" in a Cockney accent, and one suddenly retorts, "If you wan' a go...go!" Keenyah asks if the penguins will attack her. No, but with a little salt and ketchup she would totally take a bite out of their deliciously porky frames. Waddle for your lives, my tuxedo-clad friends! She interviews that it's down to the last three, and that everyone has to work her hardest and prove how much she wants it. They bid adieu to the penguins.
As we return to the girls' hotel, Tyra voices over that since the competition was coming to a close, she wanted to have a one-on-one chat with each of the girls. Tyra appears to be wearing very little or no makeup in this sequence and it is kind of terrifying. She is in a room with dim red light, which also isn't doing her any favors. I'm sure you can guess how the chats go, but I'll share it with you anyway. Kahlen had many detractors who didn't think that she could be a top model, saying that she's not girly enough, not tall enough, and not unique. Tyra says that she had friends who thought she was crazy trying to be a model, too. Wow, I didn't know that she actually considers me a friend! Cool. Kahlen says that she's always wanted to model and that she's driven to do it, so she will continue on no matter what people tell her. Unless she's already too busy giving up when things don't come easily to her.
Naima enters with an exaggerated, "Hiiiii Tyyyyyyraaaaaa!" She seems extraordinarily happy, which is Clue #1. To what, I will not yet say. She says that she's learned so much about herself during the Top Model experience, and now feels comfort and acceptance for herself. She says that Tyra knows what Naima went through. And I still find it odd that we, the audience, do not. I love how Tiffany can tell us the specific brand of cat food that her grandmother eats ("'Po' Folks Vittles," naturally) but all we know about Naima's troubled past is that her parents divorced and she was angry. If those are the qualifications to be America's Top Model, I think that I personally know about 120 candidates for the position. Naima goes on to say that she hated her body, face, and self, but now she doesn't have the room to hate herself. At least not when Keenyah is standing nearby. Tyra says with a smile, "It's interesting that a competition that is so much about critique and insecurity is giving you self-esteem, because a lot of times the opposite happens in this competition." And I can vouch for that, because four seasons of watching and two seasons of recapping this show have totally made me feel fat. I may mock Tyra in jest, but lord knows I can't pass up a ten-piece bucket of the extra-crispy either.
Keenyah -- who is a jerk and fat and we GET IT -- tells Tyra that they are in a competition and that she doesn't want to do anything to put one of the other girls ahead of her. Tyra asks Keenyah about the competition in terms of body image, food, and pressure, and wonders if she eats from stress. Keenyah answers that she thinks she has an oral fixation, which I guess is why she sucks so much. She says that she engages in a lot of comfort eating. Tyra says that, for herself, she realized that she couldn't follow the starvation rules of the modeling industry and had to re-route her career from high-fashion to more mainstream modeling à la Victoria's Secret. Well, that plus the fact that Naomi Campbell kept threatening to cut her. And again, I know I joke a lot about Tyra's weight, but I think that she's kind of a genius in terms of molding her career so that she is a hundred times more famous than the anorexic fourteen-year-olds and aging supermodel has-beens that she no longer has to compete with while at the same time enjoying some delicious fried foods every now and then. She says that she could do this because she was already a high-fashion supermodel, but that Keenyah doesn't have that luxury and needs to eat healthy, which is important whether you're a model or not. Tyra tells Keenyah to focus on being healthy, and gives her a big hug.
Night falls. Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow it's double jeopardy. You'll need to draw on everything you've learned to get through the day. It's going to be difficult, so duck for cover. At 6:45 AM." Kahlen tells the others that they're going to have to draw ducks.
We arrive the day at a set with a zebra-striped background and runway. We see Jay Manuel, who asks the girls if they're ready for a runway show. Jay is oranged to a crisp. Kahlen interviews that she's psyched because she feels confident about her walk. Jay tells them that they're actually not going to do a runway show, but rather a commercial. At this, Kahlen is not so excited, because acting isn't her thing. The commercial will be for Cover Girl's Outlast makeup. We then get a Jay-led almost commercial about how this makeup is the first of its kind and how Cover Girl has made it so easy with their two-step formula that makes your skin look beautiful all day long no matter the conditions. And I have actually tried makeup that's sort of similar in its claims to last all day, and it makes you feel like you have a film of motor oil on your face and gives you more zits than Britney. But maybe the revolutionary two-step formula corrects all of this in ways unknown. The commercial's premise is that we see a runway show and then cut to the backstage chaos. The girls will be doing a full thirty-second commercial as well as a print campaign. They meet director Russel Underhill and photographer Helmut Rautenbach, whom one might hope is as scarily German as his name indicates.
Backstage, the girls have fine Cover Girl makeup applied to them by a team of professionals as they try to memorize their lines. Kahlen interviews that she's normally very nervous going into shoots, and doesn't want to be sent home because of her confidence. And I'm pretty sure that this exact interview bit was used in another episode. Cut to Keenyah backstage, saying that if a model has a lot of confidence and stands up for herself, it doesn't matter how people treat her. Oh, so then I guess it's okay if I continue to call her fat. Keenyah interviews that what gives her the edge over Kahlen and Keenyah is that, personality-wise, she'd be a great representative for "anything that's out in the modeling industry." Well, she would if she hadn't been edited to be such a jerk. Mathu tells Naima that she always looks very serious, and is quiet. Naima says that she's mysterious, and tells us that the panel thinks that her weakness is not being able to open up completely to them. She says that if she hadn't been on the chopping block at the last panel, then she wouldn't have been able to pinpoint what makes her hold herself back. Huh? She charmingly asks Mathu who is going home, to show us that she has charm. He says that he doesn't know, which I think is lies.
And...action! The girls walk on the runway in their pretty flowing dresses and Cover Girl makeup. Miss J. tells Naima not to lead with her chin, because when she does the camera goes up her nostrils and we can see what she's thinking. And I have a feeling that what we would see is: "............." I mean, she's totally my favorite, but I will admit that she's a little dull. Keenyah says that she's rocking it, and is planning to blow her competition out of the water. And if that fails, she will sit on them. Naima interviews that she's noticed a slight attitude change in Keenyah, who is getting more arrogant. At this, Keenyah gets to the end of the runway and gives a little wink, which is apparently Morse code for "actually," because it's accompanied by the "ding!" noise. Jay observes that the winking doesn't seem natural. Tough talk for someone made entirely of Velveeta. Kahlen interviews that shooting the madness of the backstage madness was madness. Or something like that. Naima is nervous about delivering the lines of the commercial verbatim. We see a montage of the girls flubbing their lines. And I know that UPN was probably too cheap to spring for a teleprompter, but they can't have a lackey (e.g. Nolé) holding some cue cards? Kahlen says that the whole thing is a living hell for her because she's not currently and never has been "a memorizer." Nor, I would suspect, a grammatician. She messes up a lot, at one point saying, "Jesus Louisus." She voices over that she kind of lost it, as we cut to commercials.
When we reutrn, Kahlen discusses how poorly she did, and notes that she could barely utter the phrase "makeup meltdown." She interview that they had to do not only a commercial, but also a beauty shot for Cover Girl. Jay tells them that beauty shots are the most difficult of all, and gives this stellar piece of advice: "Be you. If you can be you in the camera, that's a Cover Girl shot." Keenyah explains that a beauty shot is a very tight close-up of the face that is designed to show a girl's natural beauty. Cut to a shot of Eva's Cover Girl ad from last year. Jay then gives Keenyah this even more stellar bit of advice: "I feel like a hand a hand a hand a head a head. Just...work it." You get this same sound bite when you push the button on the Life Sized Talking Jay Blow-Up Doll (© Bankable Productions 2005). Keenyah says that she feels a lot of pressure because Cover Girl could be her future employer. And then season instead of "My Life As a Cover Girl" ads we'll have "Keenyah's weekly weigh-in." Fourteen weeks later: still fat. Jay says that Keenyah was giving the right Cover Girl smile, but that it got stuck.
Naima is . She says that most of the shoots have been about being fierce, but that for Cover Girl you have to smile and be happy, which is much harder. See, the simple beauty shot is all about looking pretty, which is why we've had none this season. Naima says that this shot is make or break for her, and that she needs her photo to come out well. She says that she's nervous, but that she never gives up.
Kahlen says that she did poorly with the Cover Girl commercial, so the ad is her chance to redeem herself. She says that she transforms in front of the camera, which she likes, because she can show her "girly side." Michelle didn't have one of those. The Jays and another guy who is maybe that DeYonker character illustrate in sync how they want Kahlen to pose by saying, "Bam! Bam! Bam!" Not coincidentally, that is also phrase #2 from the Life-Sized Talking Jay Blow-Up Doll (© Bankable Productions 2005). Ms. J. tells Kahlen to look like she's smiling and farting at the same time. Fart plus giggle equals success as Kahlen gets her shot.
The girls return home to find Tyra Mail announcing the episode's first elimination. Keenyah says that she thinks Naima is her main competition, "because the judges see something special in her that I really don't see." Don't mince your words, there, Al Roker before the bypass. Naima says that she put on a front for the judges throughout the competition, but finally realized that what they wanted was her. I will say that she looks awfully happy in that interview. Clue #2! Keenyah says that Kahlen has been sliding the last few weeks in terms of her photos. Kahlen then interviews that the photos don't even mean that much anymore, and that it's more about performance. And given the performance that is to come later at the judging, I think she may be on to something. She thinks that she did not perform well in this particular challenge, and that she'll be going home.
A Tyra beauty shot introduces us to panel. She looks pretty. She reviews the prizes and introduces the judges. Janice has a big necklace on with her hair down and looks like Alice (from Wonderland) when her neck grew really long. The guest judge is Gretha Scholtz, designer of the "Poison Ivy" line of bathing suits. The remaining girls will walk in the "ultimate runway show," featuring three top South African designers, including Gretha. Janice says, "Can't I be in the show? Pleeeease! Pleeeease!" while bouncing up and down, and Nigel gives a look that says, "Just give her the horse tranquilizers already and be done with it." The girls will be judged on their commercial, their runway walk, and their photo from the Cover Girl shoot.
We see the final commercial, which is borderline retarded and features the line "Two steps now to all-day wow!" I quite frankly preferred their alternate tag line, "Two steps here, douse the weave with beer!" The production value on the commercial is really low, which is no surprise on this show. Naima is first to go before the panel. She demonstrates her runway walk, which makes Janice comment, "Naima. Your legs look...Gumby. If that's your signature walk, I'd change it immediately." Naima does not look thrilled, but Janice is totally correct. They look at the Cover Girl ad. Nigel says that Naima has a natural spark. Janice says that the photograph is rockin', and that you could find it in any magazine from Vogue to Glamour. Nolé Flambé says that the photo is okay, but not great. They evaluate Naima's performance in the commercial. Flambé says that she was the special spice in the commercial. Tyra says that she wasn't sure that edgy and mysterious Naima could pull off the commercial, but was pleasantly surprised at how commercial and relatable she was. Janice asks why the judges haven't seen that type of energy and beauty from Naima before. Naima says that she was trying to suppress a past that she's not comfortable with, and that suppressing that one part of her made her suppress everything else. I think that "suppress" should come with a "ding!" during this episode. Janice says to Naima, "It's the past. Learn from it, it's o-v-over, bay-bay." I have only two words to say to that: Die Motherfucker. Naima then starts to cry, and I must confess that it seems totally, totally fake. Like, there are noises and crying motions, but no actual tears. But it works, and Tyra says that she sees a complete transformation of a person.
is Keenyah. Gretha likes Keenyah's energy but says that the walk needs lots of work. Nigel likes the shot and thinks that Keenyah looks very commanding. Janice says that Keenyah has no neck, and that it's not a Cover Girl shot. Tyra defends Keenyah's head-looking-over-the-shoulders positioning by saying that she does it all the time, especially when the plate of ribs is sitting behind her. She calls it one of her signature moves, which I find hiliarious. Gretha says that everyone will disagree about the pose, but that the shot makes her want to go out and buy Cover Girl makeup. Hey, you guys, do you know who's sponsoring this show? I think it might be Revlon. Oh, what, too high-class? Sorry. Keenyah's performance in the commercial was mediocre according to Janice, but Nigel thought she did very well.
Kahlen walks, and Nigel asks if she holds her breath. She says that she does sometimes, and Tyra tells her to breathe, and to loosen up her face a bit. Janice tells Kahlen that she's never looked like she does in her ad, and that it "reeks Cover Girl." Nigel asks where the girl is who posed in the ad. They both love it. In an interesting turn of events, Tyra says that she doesn't like it and that it doesn't look like a cosmetic ad. Janice says that her ten-year-old daughter would want to go out and buy Cover Girl makeup, and thus I am reminded that Janice has a daughter, which makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and weep. Tyra thinks that Kahlen is smiling too hard. Janice reiterates that she loves it, because now she suddenly loves Kahlen. On her performance in the commercial, Nigel says that he loved her in the "quiet moments" when the camera wasn't actually focusing on her, and in those moments he couldn't take his eyes off of her. Unless it was to look at Naima, upon whom he has a huge crush. Flambé says that it was stale overall, and Tyra says that she didn't pop. She bids the girls adieu and there is a momentary shot of Tyra in her flutter sleeve shirt in which she appears so enormous that my mom says she looked like Rosie Grier. I think it's mostly the shirt, but still...yikes!
The judges deliberate. Nigel says that all of the girls have done extremely well, and that Naima truly showed sparkle in the Cover Girl commercial. Tyra agrees and says that this performance changed her mind about Naima. That and the fake tears. Janice angrily says that Naima came out of her shell today and was able to smile, but that a model needs more than that. I thought that Janice loved Naima. Maybe her silicone is leaking into her brain. Flambé isn't thrilled about Kahlen's picture, but Gretha thinks that she has the stuff to make it. Tyra says that she can stomp the runway and take a gorgeous picture, but that the thought of Kahlen as a spokesmodel scares her. Janice gives a "Spokesmodel? The fuck? Is this Star Seach circa 1983?" kind of look. And how hilarious would it be if the girls had to alternate throwing us into commercial breaks? Man, did I love Star Search in the day. Nigel says that Kahlen doesn't make an impression in person, and that angelic music should play every time a Cover Girl walks into the room. Nigel says that Keenyah nailed both the commercial and the shoot. Janice simultaneously yells and slurs, "She's not high-fashion! At all!" Nigel says that he agrees with Janice, and that this is his point. Gretha says that Keenyah is the most striking of the girls at first glance. Janice slurs, "Keenyah needs to lose weight. Keenyah needs to lose weight. Keenyah needs to lose weight." Tyra says that all of the girls have strengths and weaknesses, but that there can only be one winner. And it is not going to be Keenyah. Oops!
Three girls, two photos. Naima is called first. Hooray! She looks pleased. Tyra tells her that she started off as the girl who had everything to hide, but has opened up her heart and her spirit, so now is a finalist. Is Rodney Yee a writer for this show now? Keenyah and Kahlen step forward. She makes them turn and face each other and take a good look. Each girl has what the other lacks. Keenyah has sparkle, spunk, and high self-esteem, and demands attention when she walks into a room. Kahlen can pose her ass off in a photo and has a presence on the runway that is similar to the top models of today. And also, she is skinny. This part is unspoken, but we can read between the lines. And then...commercials. Bastards!
And again, Naima is the Cover Girl of the Week. I wonder how many times Tyra gets to vote in that thing.
When we return, more dramatic music. Keenyah says that she has confidence that she did well in the commercial and feels good about herself. Kahlen says that she's nervous and doesn't want to go home, but thinks that she will. Kahlen gets a photo, and Keenyah is sent packing. Tears on both sides. Keenyah cries that she's honestly shocked, because she thought that she had more potential and was stronger than Kahlen. She says that she thinks highly of herself. Oh really? I hadn't noticed. She truly thought that she was going to be in the final two. Always gracious, she is. We see her photos and some of them -- especially the ones from the first half of the season -- are really great. She says that she's going to take all of the judges' advice as if she's still going to be the winner at the end of the day: "Nothing's gonna hold me back...unless I get fatter." And damn Keenyah for having a sense of humor about herself and making us like her again!
With Keenyah gone, Naima and Kahlen are free to enjoy the beauty of the outdoors. They go to the top of Table Mountain. And now the obligatory "we're not friends, we're competitors" montage. Kahlen says she feels like she is in heaven, and never thought when she started that she'd end up in the final two. Naima interviews that she and Kahlen have been very supportive of each other, but that now they are competitors and she must try to outshine Kahlen. Kahlen says that it's great to have Naima in the final two with her because Naima pushes her to do better, but that they're in a competition and she is out to beat Naima. Healthy attitudes and emotional maturity all around! What has become of this show? Naima voices over, "I've visited a piece of heaven and I'm ready to go back to the earth." And then, clearly spliced in from another interview: "I'm ready for the runway."
The girls walk to a colorful building, where they meet Mr. Jay, who is dressed in peach tones that make him look as orange as a safety cone. Seriously, when will that man learn? He asks the girls how they are doing, and Naima says, "Butterflies" and rubs her tummy. Jay says that they've created a most exciting fashion show, featuring three Cape Town designers: Poison Ivy, Gavin Rajah, and Ruby. There will be a full audience, and it will be a big event, and Kahlen and Naima are supposed to be the stars. He takes them to the runway they have created for the show. Naima says that she was expecting a normal, everyday, straight runway. She should have learned by now that straightness is a rare commodity on this show. Jay takes them to a fountain, and the girls are understandably confused, because they have not yet seen the title of this episode. They then look in the fountain closer and see the runway submerged a few inches below the surface. Jay tells them that they are walking on water. Shock! Awe! Ms. J. comes walking out in rubber boots to show them how it's done. He says, "You model tramps need to stomp and make this water do the water dance!" It would be much more entertaining if they had to do the Riverdance. Jay says that they are walking on water like divas, and Ms. J. says televangelically, "Walk like Jesus!" Jay says he doesn't know if Jesus had the same kind of hip action. At this, Top Model's tenuous grasp on the red states is suddenly lost. Ms. J. said that Jesus did have the hip action, but it was just under the robe. He asks if the girls can swim. Kahlen interviews that she's nervous that she's going to be the one who falls. Naima says that she's a little scared about the water aspect, but is also excited as all hell about the show.
The girls get made up backstage. Kahlen says that she's nervous because she's never been in a fashion show, and the only runway experience she has is from when she's walking up and down the hallway as her mom makes dinner. Kahlen looks great in all her makeup, though she continues to be not so stunning in person. Tyra enters and asks the girls how they are doing. At this my mom commented, "She looks like she had a rough night." And then, "God, she looks like she's going bald, is that a wig she has on?" I love my mom. Naima says that she has butterflies, and rubs her tummy again. Tyra says that she has never walked on a water-covered runway. She then advises the girls that when you do a swimsuit or lingerie show, you're supposed to take your clothes off immediately so that any lines you have on your skin fade. Modeling is one big coke-fueled naked party all the time, isn't it? Tyra tells the girls not to be nervous, and not to be distracted by the judges calling their names (i.e. Janice drunkenly falling onto the runway and calling her own name). Her final piece of advice to the girls: "Work it."
It is night. The fountain is lit up. Backstage, there are scantily clad women everywhere. Kahlen and Naima each say that they don't want to be distracted by the other before the show. Jay tells the models that they look amazing. He reminds them that it's dark and says that he doesn't want them to fall off of the runway. But I do! That would be the greatest finale ever, yet also suspiciously similar to the plot of The Great Muppet Caper. Tyra and Ms. J., the latter outfitted in a fabulous headdress, arrive. Naima says that every girl on the runway is her competition, and that she has to stand out from everyone, and not just Kahlen. Kahlen explains for the more dim-witted (read: fellow models) in the viewing audience, "Only one of us can win. There's two of us left. One of us will win, one of us will lose." Jay counts down to action, and then...commercials.
And I think Eva's "My Life As a Cover Girl" is a repeat again. She says at one point, "The overwhelmingness....that has come over me...about being a Cover Girl...it's so beyond emotional, it's so beyond physical, it's so beyond anything tangible." This is what happens when you take public speaking lessons from Tyra.
Fashion show! Jay says emphatically, "Let's give them a show. Give them a show." Kahlen says that she's wondering if she'll fall off of the runway because she's kind of clumsy. Naima interviews again that she has anxiety and butterflies and is ready to go. Once again, she's looking very happy. The show begins, and from the front row Janice yells, "Work it!" The uncut version of that sentence was, "You'll never be able to work it like me! The world's first supermodel! Bitches!" Girls walk the runway in swimsuits. Naima goes out, and you know what she is? Fierce. She says that she can see her feet in the water below her, and that she feels superhuman. Kahlen walks and...I don't know. I know everyone talks about her runway walk, but I kind of feel like she looks like she has a bum leg that she has to drag behind her. Nonetheless, Janice yells, "That's my girl!" and points at her. And Janice's endorsement really is the kiss of death. Another clue! Kahlen says that she hit her first pose and got a huge adrenaline rush and felt her heart about to explode. More backstage chaos. Naima walks in a gown and says that she can hear the judges screaming. Kahlen walks and says that not only is she stomping on all the people who didn't believe in her, she's stomping on the girl who didn't believe in herself. Oh, modeling as a metaphor. I have had enough of you.
And now, it's time for the final walk. Naima says, "I'm gonna walk down the runway, and look Kahlen dead in her eyes, and say, 'Look, bitch, this is what I have to offer.'" I love the competitive streak! They walk at the same time in yet another skimpy swimsuit. Naima is again full of fierceness, and Kahlen is full of dull model-dom. The girls walk out in the finale, and Naima waves her arms around a lot. In an interview, Kahlen says tearily that she's so full of emotion during the final walk that she can't even hold the beat when she's clapping. Oh, honey, no, that's just because you're a big whitey. The audience gives a standing ovation and Kahlen and Naima stand under falling water and dance around.
Kahlen and Naima emerge backstage, totally soaked, and Jay applauds them both. Tyra comes back and hugs them. She dances like they did in the end, and her breasts threaten to give concussions to all who stand nearby. Tyra is proud, and not only of her prodigious bosom. Kahlen gives Naima a big hug and kiss on the cheek. Naima says, "Friends again." At home, Kahlen toasts, "To our first fashion show. May it always be in our memories." She is just so cheesy sometimes. She interviews with a smile that she thinks she rocked throughout the competition. That's nice to see. Naima interviews that Kahlen has a lot of natural ability that Naima doesn't have, but that Naima thought she herself was the star of the fashion show. Tyra Mail comes, announcing the final elimination. Exciting!
The girls walk in wearing the evening gowns they had in the fashion show. And this is where I actually (ding!) started to believe that Naima was going to win, because her dress is so very superior. It is spaghetti-strapped feminine loveliness, as opposed to Kahlen's weird sleeveless turtlenecked getup that makes her look like she's wearing a misplaced lobster bib. Both have their hair slicked back, and Kahlen's looks kind of terrible. Tyra -- who is wearing leather dominatrix gear -- tells them that tonight they will decide who is America's Top Model. She says that the girls have come a long way -- one from Detroit, one from Oklahoma. Janice is making all sorts of exaggerated smiling faces, which I think is to prompt the girls to be happy and full of personality. Or, drugs. Tyra says that it's time for the girls to use the knowledge they've learned to graduate into the real world...as America's Top Model. At this, Naima puts her hand on her heart in sort of a dramatic pageant-type way. Kahlen kind of looks to the side with her eyes as her smile stiffens, like, "Bitch what you doing?"
And then, the prizes. 1) a contract with Ford Models; 2) a spread in Elle magazine shot by world-renowned photographer Gilles Bensimon; 3) a $100,000 Cover Girl contract. Tyra notes that there will be no guest judge tonight, and then introduces the regular panel. Janice has her hair up in sort of a glamour poufy Mohawk, which at first I think is a tribute to Naima until I realize how much Janice hates her. Then I think it is a subversive clue. Also, I don't know if it's this way all the time, but when Janice is captioned her title is, "Model/Author."
Evaluations. We see footage of Naima in the fashion show. Tyra says that she was scared when Naima came out, but in a good way. She was shocked, awed, and wondered if it was Beyoncé morphed into a fashion model. Beyoncé? Very well, then. We see Kahlen on the runway and Janice slurs, "Oh that's so great...you look like models." I guess Janice is seeing two of Kahlen. Tyra says that she thought Kahlen was fierce and that she felt the stomp. Janice says that Kahlen has the Galliano walk from Paris. Flambé says that Naima commanded the runway, that she was flawless, and that she looked like she was in a Versace show. Tyra notes that Kahlen's mouth and neck get very stiff when she walks. Janice says that Kahlen has a better "bathing-suit-proportioned body." Naima looks a little mad at this comment. Tyra says that both girls were fabulous, and that she is so proud.
They review their photos from throughout the competition side by side. 1) Alien shot: Nigel remembers that the girls were two of his favorites to work with. 2) Dog-walking: Tyra loves Kahlen's '70s-style pouty mouth. Janice says that Naima's shot was mediocre and that she feels the Mohawk went out in the late '90s. 3) Slutty gas station shot: Kahlen's is sexy and most guys would want to have it on their wall. Tyra likes Naima's tomboyish quality. 4) Seven Deadly Sins: Everyone loves Kahlen as wrath. Janice thinks that Naima could have done more with her face. 5) Animal Kingdom: Kahlen is a springbok, and nailed it. Tyra says that it's often very difficult to break dancers from looking like dancers, but that Naima knows how to balance it well. 6) The "African party": Naima was the star of the photo and it was her best head shot; Kahlen looks, according to Flambé, like she was dancing all night long and needs to take a break. 7) The Cover Girl ad: Janice says that she reads every magazine and would stop at Kahlen's stunning photo. Nigel says that Naima's shot is a Cover Girl photo to him, but that he still doesn't like it as much as Kahlen's.
Tyra asks each of the girls why they should be America's Top Model. Kahlen says tearily, "'Cause I think I've overcome...so much of...who I am. I've overcome sitting in the corner and not being that pretty girl, and...being overlooked time and time again and never being good enough." And then Naima puts her hand to her eyes in what appears to be a really fake cry. It's kind of annoying, but then I think good for her for working the system. "I hated myself...I hated this girl. That was my lowest point, Tyra. I walked in here today and I felt beautiful." Tyra then says, "You guys are proof that models aren't shells. That they're true people with feelings and emotions and pasts and insecurities." And also, she-nees.
The judges deliberate. Nigel says that Kahlen is beautiful and is amazing photographically. Flambé says that Kahlen is photogenic, but is dry in person. Janice flips through Kahlen's portfolio and says, "This is what the pros do, everybody. Each photograph shows a different side, a versatility." Nigel says that pretty blonde girls with good portfolios are a dime a dozen. Tyra says that they are being a bit stereotypical about Kahlen's looks, and that she's an edgy blonde-haired blue-eyed girl. Janice says that Kahlen's body proportions are perfect for a designer's muse. We see Kahlen walking in a swimsuit at auditions and she is SKINNY. Janice then says, "I was Versace's muse, I was Azzanine's muse, I was Valentino's muse." Flambé starts to chuckle and Janice retorts, "I don't know why you're laughing, I don't know whose muse you were." Oh, it's good times when she ignores the interaction warnings on her prescription bottles. Tyra says that Naima rocked the fashion show, and Nigel agrees that it was evident that she ruled the show and has stage presence. Janice interjects, "That's in your opinion." Tyra says that Kahlen has a better body of work from week to week, but that Naima won the final exam -- the Cover Girl commercial and ad plus the fashion show -- hands down. At the same time, Tyra is very inspired by Kahlen's photographs. Flambé says that Kahlen has given Top Model one of the best portfolios. Tyra asks if the prize should be given to the girl who excelled all semester but kind of failed her final exam, or the girl who did fair all semester and killed her final exams. Flambé says that he is confused, which I would guess is not all that unusual.
The girls return, and a winner will be crowned. Tyra says that the girls' respective journeys have been very different. Naima was solid and strong throughout the competition but her portfolio wasn't excellent. However, in the final exam she turned it out with presence and an aura that speaks to a lot of young girls in America, and she rocked the fashion show. Kahlen's portfolio rivals that of top models who are working today, but though she was solid and strong, she did not "own" the fashion show. Tyra says that this was the judges' longest deliberation. She then says dramatically, "America's......Top...Model...is..." Cut to the screen, upon which is Naima's Cover Girl ad. NAIMA! YAY!! She throws her hands up in the air and cries out, saying that she's speechless. She hugs Tyra. Meanwhile, Kahlen looks sad and dejected. She says that when she set foot on the runway, she realized why she wanted to model -- the adrenaline and emotion. We see a shot of her crying into her lobster bib in the corner of the room. She feels that modeling is her way of expressing her emotions, and that this competition truly opened her eyes.