Previously on ANTM: Kahlen's friend died, but Kahlen was still fierce. Christina had to look like lust, but was not fierce. And despite a fierce picture, Tatiana's brain was not fierce, and so she was sent home. Fiercely. Six girls remain! Who will be eliminated ? I can hardly stand the suspense!
It is night. Christina and Brittany talk about how nerve-wracking the competition has become. They discuss the last elimination, when Tyra noted that one of the final two girls wanted it more than the others. Brittany says she was sure that Tatiana was going home at that point, because Michelle wants to win the competition more than any girl there. Michelle says that being in the final two was scary, and that she thought she was going home. She interviews that she now has to step up not only in the photo shoots but in the challenges as well. And there was something about the combination of Michelle talking to Brittany and Christina, the flashback of her looking mildly crazed at judging, and her dark roots and red face in the interview that made my non-ANTM-watching girlfriend say, "I'd like to see an hour show all about her." Meanwhile, Naima and Kahlen look at giant blow-ups of their photo-booth shoots from the beginning of the season and talk about how much they've changed. It's been a transformative three weeks, I guess.
Tyra Mail! "Are you born to be wild? Be ready at 8:30 AM." Someone goes, "Animals?" and brilliant, pre-med Keenyah yells, "MUSIC VIDEOS!" And for a moment I am struck with the fear of the Lord that Tyra has released a follow-up to "Shake Ya Body (Body)." I even yelled out, "Why God, why?" in my head. Keenyah interviews that all of the girls need to step it up, and that she wants to win more than anyone does. But not more than she wants a tasty cheese Danish! Brittany screams, "Born to be naked!," and then does a little dorky dance that makes Keenyah and Christina laugh. She may be a fool, but Brittany is my secret favorite.
In the van on the way to their day's activity, Keenyah asks how many carbs are in the bagel upon which she's chowing down. Brittany says either sixteen or sixty-eight. I might be able to read her lips but for the GIANT PIECE OF FOOD THAT FELL FROM THEM. Sister has no manners. Keenyah interviews that carbs are both her enemy and her friend. She loves their tasty goodness, but also needs to be skinny if she is to succeed as a model. Brittany interviews that Keenyah has gained about ten pounds and can snack like no other. We then see several cuts of Keenyah shoving a bagel in her mouth. But, like, we all know it's the same bagel, editors. If you want us to understand that she's a fatty, just show us her actual body, or make someone say, "At this point, she's almost as big as Tyra."
The girls pull up to some sort of game reserve with a warning sign that reads, "DANGER: Wild animals and attack dogs on premises. KEEP OUT!" Oh, please tell me that the show is sending them to their doom! If it were May sweeps, I would perhaps hold out hope. It is raining, and this place is one big muddy mess. J. Alexander greets the girls. And yay! I've missed him. He tells the girls that they are six lucky bitches, and that they're going to study animals and learn, from them, how to pose. And say what you will, but the grunt of one orangutan has to be superior to the ramblings of Jay Manuel. This training will also be related to their challenge. "We have lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" says Miss J. "We have rat weaves and she-nees and jowls, oh no!" says Potes. J. introduces Eric and Jet, the animal trainers who are there to go over safety precautions. Rats. Christina interviews that if an animal comes at her, she's going to turn and run fast. Eric tells them that they should remain perfectly still if an animal gets loose, because if they move, the animal is likely to come after them. Move! Move! We return to Christina, who says, "Great. There goes my game plan."
A beautiful leopard poses for the girls and demonstrates extension. Then we meet Kismet the tiger, who holds poses for thirty seconds or more. Kismet, whose teeth are roughly the same color as Michelle's, starts to growl at J., who remains still. He tells the girls to notice that he didn't flinch an inch, even though he was "bound for the toilet." (I should add that he's wearing a little safari outfit and trucker hat, and has his hair in pigtails.) , we meet Bam Bam the bear, whom Jay says looks like his last boyfriend. He's hairy and has a lot of drool all over his mouth, so glean from that comment what you will. Naima says that she's really trying to study and imitate the bear, but it's difficult. Kahlen says that she doesn't care for the bear so much, and is grossed out by his slobber. Jay tells the girls not to let any white stuff come out of their mouths when they pose. Eric asks who wants to give the bear a kiss, and Brittany is first to volunteer. Without drinks, even! She likes them big and hairy, too, which makes sense, since people are often attracted to those who resemble them. Bam Bam takes a marshmallow from each girl's mouth. I actually think that looks kind of fun, slobber and all. After Keenyah goes for the marshmallow kiss, Brittany notes that both she and the bear enjoyed it. Hee. Kahlen is still grossed out and says that she wants to brush her teeth for five days straight. Bam Bam can't wait to get back inside the reserve and tell the other beasts about how much human action he got. He will conveniently leave out his interlude with Michelle.
Then, J. makes the girls get down in the mud and pose like each animal. We see each girl on a split screen opposite a still of the actual animal. And really, it's kind of stupid. Naima says that, mostly due to the conditions, it sucked. J. tells the girls to pose like the tiger who almost attacked him, and says that it was attracted to his scent, "Eau de Negress." More stills. J. says that he loves how much Christina, who is wearing a newsboy cap and has her arm straight out, looks like a lawn jockey. He wants to put a lantern in her hand. It's totally, totally true, and was the funniest bit in the episode until I saw what Janice had in store for us at judging. Keenyah says that she thought she did well and didn't take everything so literally, unlike Brittany, who was always engaged in some sort of mouthy growl. And part of that might actually (ding!) be due to her slack jaw. But it appears that Keenyah's comment is a bit of sour grapes, because Brittany wins. Woo! She interviews that even if she goes home, she can say she won a challenge and thus isn't a total loser. Brittany picks Keenyah and Christina as her two tag-along friends, but does not yet know what her prize is.
Jay tells the girls that he has yet to show them the fiercest animal of all, and Tyra comes skipping out in a quilted puffy pink hooded jacket. That hood is surely not doing her weave any favors. She tells the girls that, in her first L.A. fashion show, she got the direction to walk like a cat, but took it too literally rather than being "feline-like." She says that photographers will often tell models to pose like a certain animal, and that the girls must learn how to do it exactly but then draw back from it a bit and do their own thing. None of this makes sense, but I am paid to simply tell you what goes on, and so that is what I'm doing. Tyra tells the girls that they're doing a special and amazing shoot with some other models. At this cue, a bunch of ravenous-looking lions start running around in a caged-off area. The girls look nervous. Tyra starts whooping a lot, and I start to think she might be a new devotee of the Whitney Houston crack is whack diet. Tyra and J. start hemming and hawing about how they don't know if they should do the shoot today. Tyra says that she isn't feeling the rain, and then says, "I think y'all gonna have to do this shoot in AFRICA!!!!!!" Tyra jumps up and down a lot and yells, having taken lessons from watching over and over again the episode where Oprah gives away the Pontiacs. She tells the girls that they are going to South Africa, and that they have to pack tonight. Everyone group hugs and jumps up and down and says, "Africa! South Africa!" And then, blessedly for the love of my ears, commercials.
Back at the loft, the girls pack. They have two hours and have to bring everything, which leads me to believe that they'll be in South Africa for a while. Christina closes the graffiti-covered door to their loft and says, "Goodbye L.A." The airplane takes off, and we are treated to an illustration of their route that is a total rip-off of The Amazing Race designed by the makers of Candy Land. But it's actually kind of cute. And then, scenic shots of lovely South Africa. The girls arrive at the airport and it's so much more relaxed than all the times when Rob and Amber are pushing everyone else out of the way so that they can get a cab or paying off local help or whatever it is they do. Keenyah says that the flight was long, but worth it when they reached sunny, blue-skied, mountainous, hot South Africa. She can't believe that they're on "African dirt." Brittany and Keenyah joke that it looks like rain.
Michelle says that Brittany and Keenyah are always joking, and that she's not used to opening up to people. These two sentences don't really follow, but go with the gist. She's trying to connect with them more, but is still something of an outcast from the group. Well, sometimes it's hard for people to like other people who are kind of weird. Michelle -- who is actually looking kind of pretty, for her -- has apparently read a South African etiquette book on the plane and tells the others that they shouldn't put their hands in their pockets when talking to others, but rather look them in the eye. And from what I hear, this strategy worked really well for Nelson Mandela. Michelle also tells the girls not to point with their index finger. Brittany gives a bored "Really." Keenyah says that it's rude to point in America, too. Michelle interviews that Brittany and Keenyah seem to make fun of everything she says, which can get a little old. And maybe they use it as a strategy to deflect their attention from making fun of how she looks, so she should actually be grateful. And please, someone, touch up this girl's roots.
The girls enter Capetown, and Brittany starts to mimic African music. Not necessarily in a mean way, but in an "I'm kind of an idiot" way. We then hear actual African music, and Brittany isn't really that far off. More beautiful footage that makes me want to go to South African instantly. The girls meet Pierre Kameel, the manager of the Aquilla Game Reserve. He looks and sounds a bit like the love child of Crocodile Dundee and Martina Navratilova. The girls walk up to a drumming circle, and Naima interviews that it was very dope and hip. And then speaking of dope and hips, along flounces Tyra, dancing like a madwoman. Keenyah interviews that Tyra always pops up at the weirdest times and, judging by the low-cut Victoria's Secret top that she is wearing, may in fact pop out at the weirdest times. Her weave is crazy and shines a nuclear alert red in the South African sun. Tyra starts telling the girls that South Africa is an up-and-coming fashion capital, and she is totally out of breath from her crazy-ass dance. She says that many new models now come to South Africa to make it, and that her first Sports Illustrated cover was shot there. We see this cover, along with Tyra on the cover of South African Cosmopolitan, and I must say that she looks fantastically beautiful. What the hell happened? Michelle says that none of the girls had any idea that South Africa was so big for fashion. They also have no idea of the meanings of many two-syllable words, as we will soon come to find out.
Tyra tells the girls that they will have lots of adventures, and asks if they can get their groove on. The drumming starts up again, along with the Tyra dancing, and it becomes clear that she's taking rhythm lessons from Oprah, too. Like, you know how whenever Oprah has a musical guest on they always keep cutting to her, and she totally never has the beat? That's what's happening now, but with more bouncing saline. Some traditional dancers come out, which takes the girls -- especially Kahlen, judging from her interview -- aback. Tyra, still high on the happy pill that she pilfered from Janice, drags the girls into the dancing circle and then flounces off yelling, "BYE!" The girls suddenly notice that she's gone. "Quickness," says Brittany, in a way that indicates that they all know Tyra's losing it, too.
Pierre tells the girls that he is going to be taking them on a safari. Lucky bitches. Michelle interviews that she's through the roof with excitement, which is kind of endearing. The girls pile into the Jeep and start off across the beautiful landscape. They spy some hippos in a lake, and Kahlen says, "He's looking for marbles." And anyone who can get in a "Hungry Hungry Hippos" reference can't be all bad. Their guide -- station ranger Shelton -- tells them that hippos weigh about one and a half tons. And before I can even get a Tyra joke in, Kahlen says, "Same amount as Keenyah." Oooh, burn! Naima interviews that, since Keenyah was "gluttony" in last week's shoot, the joke was hilarious. And kind of, it was. Keenyah sort of laughs it off, but you know that she's pissed deep down. Keenyah interviews that Yoanna had weight issues and still won the competition, so Keenyah feels that she's not out of it. We see a flashback of Yoanna, and I'm reminded of how pretty she is. The girls go along and see the animals, and Brittany is sort of coolly irritating, making cracks at every opportunity. She's also wearing kind of an obnoxious hat, which isn't helping matters. The hat always seems to give people license to act more annoying, which is why Mayim Bialik was such a freaking pill.
More lovely animals. Brittany interviews that, throughout the safari, most of the animals were relatively calm, and that she wanted to see some action. Shelton tells them that he doesn't want them to make any sudden noises or movements as they ride through the lions and lionesses, because it might draw the lions toward them, which would be dangerous. And I don't know about you, but for once I'm excited about the girls' rudimentary language-comprehension skills, because I'm ready to see a good maulin'. Michelle interviews that, once they heard that they needed to be quiet, they all looked at Brittany. She leans back and says, "What?" Keenyah says that once the lion makes eye contact with Brittany, she's out of there. Brittany says she'll beat the lion down, and makes a really funny lion face. Keenyah notes that if you run and get attacked by a lion, there's really no way out. Spooky music plays, giving us an adequate, if totally fake, sense of danger. Because if an attack had indeed taken place, there's no way we wouldn't have seen some blood in the previews. The girls see the lions, who look fierce. And by that, I mean they look real fierce, and not "two pounds of blush and stilettos" fierce. Brittany makes a "Reow!" noise, which seems to get the attention of the lions. She then starts asking if there's no singing or dancing beyond that point. And the difference between Brittany and Janice is that if Janice were on this safari, she actually would have thrown an empty vodka bottle at one of the lions. There's bad-ass, and then there's bad-ass. Michelle threatens to throw Brittany out of the car. A lioness comes toward the girls. Shelton honks and then says, "Wow, she's still coming!" More threatening music as we fade to commercial wondering if there will finally be bloodshed. Ah, those glorious three minutes of hope.
For some reason, there is no Cover Girl of the Week spot this week. And that reason, friends, is that Naima won again, and the producers know it's going to make them look bad when she doesn't win.
We return to the safari scene and the Music of Dread. Keenyah interviews that she has no idea why Brittany was neither (a) afraid nor (b) quiet when Shelton told them (a) the lions could kill them unless they (b) were really quiet. Shelton starts honking at the lioness to make her go away, but it only serves to make her advance towards the Jeep. I still hold out a small semblance of hope that someone will at least lose a minor appendage. But alas, the Jeep starts to go forward and the lions let it go by unscathed. Once they are out of the lions' reach, the girls twitter nervously about their near-death experience, and note that Brittany is out of her mind. Michelle stays silent in the back, but looks pissed.
That night, the girls drive in the bush to an area that has a fire burning and a few lanterns hung. Naima interviews that they didn't know if it was a photo shoot or what. It soon becomes clear, however, that this is the spot where the non-challenge winners (Naima, Michelle, Kahlen) will camp, while Brittany, Christina and Keenyah get to go to a "luxury accommodation." Shelton tells the loser girls that they will have to pitch their own tent. Michelle interviews, "Thank God I watch Survivor," as if she's completely forgotten about her years of training in Gender Ambiguous Scouts. Naima interviews that she's never gone camping, and started to get nervous when she thought about the lack of hair-styling tools available to tame her natural frizziness. Michelle is at the ready to build a shelter for the girls. Naima interviews that Michelle is always eager to jump into whatever they do with enthusiasm. While she appreciates that quality, Naima thinks that part of it is Michelle's desire to appear strong to other people. And as she walks around the fire and assesses the tent situation, Michelle actually appears neither hulking nor particularly hideous. See, I can be nice.
Meanwhile, the three winning girls freak out about the bugs that are attacking them as they wait for their ride to the luxury accommodation. As they leave they yell, "Bye! Love you Kahlen! Love you Naima!" And then there is a big pause. Keenyah says, "We forgot to say, 'Love you Michelle.'" "Love you Michelle!" they scream, and then someone mumbles, "We shouldn't have said anything."
Brittany, Keenyah, and Christina settle in to a nice dinner in their woodsy chic suite. They toast to not being in the wilderness. Oh, irony. Meanwhile, the other girls complain good naturedly, Kahlen saying that there was no way her ancestors did this. I also think she asks how many bottles it takes to pee in the wilderness. I don't know what this means, but apparently the answer is "two." Michelle says that it's good that the high-maintenance girls went to the five-star hotel, because they never would have survived the great outdoors. The camping girls imagine that the hotel girls are eating chocolate and strawberries in the Jacuzzi. Meanwhile, Christina walks out to the Jacuzzi and discovers that it is filled with rose petals and bugs. Wow, I hope they all got their shots. They do not last long in the hot tub, and Christina interviews that she doesn't like bugs all that much. In their room, wacky music plays as Christina tries to spray the place down with Raid, and the girls use whatever tools available to kill, shoo, or otherwise get rid of the bugs that seem drawn to their beds. Don't they have mosquito netting? Brittany says that if they're getting eaten alive, the other girls must have it much worse. Meanwhile, night-vision shows us the other girls sleeping peacefully. That's because they're dealing with high-class bugs who wouldn't even think of camping. More wackiness ensues with the buggy winners.
Morning. The girls all gather for breakfast. Keenyah notes that she gained twelve pounds. And really, that's just plain not smart. She asks Kahlen if it's noticeable, and Kahlen lies that it's not. Keenyah interviews that when she's stressed, she finds comfort from eating. Brittany interviews that, despite her weight gain, Keenyah can't keep her fat mitts off of the bread tray. Keenyah gets up from the table and says she's getting a bowl of yogurt. Brittany basically says, "If you eat any more we're going to have to cut open the side of your house and remove you with a forklift, Al Roker." Keenyah says, "It's just yogurt." Brittany says to the other girls that Keenyah wants help losing weight, so she's trying to help. "Yogurt!" says Keenyah, as if it's some kind of natural dairy based Phen-fen. Brittany shakes her head. One might note that her breakfast appears to consist of a cup of coffee.
And then it's time for the photo shoot. Jay Manuel is, sadly, in attendance. He tells the girls that they have learned from animals, and that now they are actually (ding!) going to be the animals. Jay's animal is "Cheeto." He says that he's picked an animal that he feels represents each girl. Uh-oh. I smell disaster wafting up from the African plains, and it is not only because it is littered with the doody of rare and beautiful wildlife. Kahlen is a springbok, the national animal of South Africa. Christina is an ostrich. Brittany is a giraffe. Michelle is a zebra. She interviews that she thinks this is appropriate because zebras are kind of skittish and afraid. And I don't know how Michelle typed "skittish and afraid" into the personal-characteristics section of her career aptitude test and still got "professional wrestler" as a result. Naima is a cheetah. And -- punch line -- Keenyah is an elephant. The other girls laugh. Jay notes how coincidental it is that she was gluttony one week and an elephant the . Keenyah wonders why she keeps getting stuck with fat characters, as we see an elephant butt jiggling across the screen. Subtle.
The girls notice a crocodile sitting around, and Jay tells them that they'll be shooting an ad for Lubriderm. He introduces them to photographer Gerta Genis. The girls get their hair and makeup done, and much body paint is involved. When Christina comes out, Jay asks if she's been thinking ostrich. He then introduces her to Mary, the crocodile model. He tells Christina that he doesn't want to see nerves, because the competition is getting down to the wire. Christina is wearing sort of a feather tutu and headpiece, as well as feathered pasties, and I think the rest is body paint. It looks a little weird. Christina poses with a leg up, and I think she might be confusing her tall birds. Jay tells her to give more warmth in the face, and to think of something pleasant like "lollipops in the afternoon." And I don't know if that's a euphemism or just stupid. He then tells her to think about her head in Mary's mouth, which gets a laugh. He says that this is the first shoot where Christina's shown real emotion, and that it's her best one so far.
is zebra Michelle. She says that she walked into the shoot ready to go and feeling amazing. She sort of has a Cruella de Vil updo and appears to be struggling. Jay tells her that she looks more like a crane than a zebra, as if he's Joan Embry or something. He shouts lots of direction at her and notes that he has told Michelle at every shoot to drop her chin. is Naima, whom Jay says poses down to her tiptoes, but who often forgets her mouth. She appears to do well, and Jay calls her the "silent killer." Brittany says that she didn't quite like her look, but wanted to pull through and have another great picture. Mathu the makeup artist tells her, "It could be worse. You could be the elephant." They both look around the corner to make sure Keenyah didn't hear them. Meanwhile, Keenyah has giant ears put on her and notes that her big, bloated stomach is fully exposed and sagging all over South Africa. She tries to suck it in and looks uncomfortable as a result. She also has a big of a hard time figuring out how to give a sexy trunk-like appearance, and Jay tells her that she has to believe that her arms are an extension of her nose. She struggles, and Jay says that she usually just poses and hopes that it works, which is not the best way to model. Whereas he just shouts out idiotic things that make no sense and hopes that it works, which is totally the best way to direct a photo shoot.
Brittany has to use some canes as a giraffe. Jay says that he knows she had a lot to deal with, but that she wasn't totally aware of her face. She interviews that in middle school she was called a giraffe, and that it hurt her feelings, so now it's great to be able to pose as a sexy giraffe and go, "HA!" Well, in middle school I was called Skeletor, and I see no reality-show photo shoots in my future to redeem that memory, so I will continue to suffer the pain. Gerta seems to like Brittany. Finally, we have Kahlen the springbok. Her makeup looks kind of weird, but Jay says that she did the best job of taking on her animal. At one point Kahlen stumbles and lands crotch-down on the crocodile. She drops the lotion and runs much, as Jay says, as a springbok would. Yes, she's perfect. We get it.
The girls go out to dinner at a restaurant called Five Flies. The girls tell stories of the day and giggle and laugh and appear to enjoy one another's company. Everyone, that is, but Michelle, who has total Debbie Downer face. Cue sad music. In a move that seems kind of out of character, Naima turns to her in front of the other girls and says, "Michelle, do you feel alienated?" Michelle says, "I don't know," and continues to skulk. She interviews that she was surprised by Naima's question. She says that she doesn't want to say much: "It's not purely them, it's mostly me." And being on that much estrogen must do crazy things to a person's hormones, so I'm going to cut her a little slack. ["Imagine them all getting their periods at the same time? That house would be purgatorial. Especially if you don't have ovaries. (Michelle.)" -- Wing Chun] Michelle tells the other girls that she's having a hard time but is trying to get more in with the group. Naima says that Michelle has been with the rest of the group for a long time, so doesn't need to feel distant. Brittany gives a look that says, "I have no patience for this." She interviews that she's over Michelle at this point, and that if Michelle hasn't fit in with the rest of the girls thus far, it's just not going to happen.
Tyra Mail! "You've been out where the lions roamed, now head out to your seaside home." The girls travel to their new hotel suite, which is lovely and right on the water. More Tyra Mail, which delivers the news that someone will be eliminated. Keenyah interviews that she thinks her standing in the competition is strong, but that the judges find more problems at every panel, so she could be wrong. Brittany has some nerves about the whole situation and is praying that her photo is good. They're totally trying to throw us off the trail of the real evictee here. Commercials.
And this week in "My Life As a Cover Girl," we learn that Eva Pigford is doing a high-profile interview with Star Magazine. And in case you haven't heard, Star is the new Vogue.
A photo of Tyra as some sort of animal with a fantastically long red weave introduces us to judging. She appears to be holding a long, giant French fry. At judging, she looks extra-mannish and kind of creepy. She has a wild look in her eye, and now that we know what she's capable of, I find that I'm a tiny bit afraid. Fabulous prizes. Amazing judges. Gerta Genis, the week's photographer, is the guest judge. For this week's test, the girls are going to give the girls one in a series of five objects and then shout out words that the girls will have to act out, using the object. They are told to strike the pose fast and strong.
Janice first gives Michelle a big flowery-looking thing, and tells her to project anger. Michelle says, "Just anytime?" Janice, with full sarcasm, says, "No. Wait an hour." And this is only the beginning, my friends, for Miss Dickinson is in rare form tonight. Montage of the flowery-thing anger pose. , the girls must express fear while holding a bongo. The word is "aloof." And here is where we get our weekly reminder that, no matter how much the show tries to get us to relate to them, models are still dumb. "What is aloof?" asks a clearly confused Kahlen. "Can I have a hint?" asks Michelle. "Aloof?" says Brittany. "I can't ask what aloof is?" "No," says Janice. Keenyah, Naima, and Christina do the pose, though in Christina's case I think she's just guessing at what "aloof" means and relying on the fact that all of her expressions look the same. Way to make your limitations work for you, crazy eyes. The expression is passion, with an African mask. The judges make fun of the girls pretty much the whole time, and Janice strikes at least one priceless facial expression, which is a particular surprise, since I figured her face and the various nerves within had been completely deadened from one procedure or another. The girls must emote happiness with a big leafy shield-looking thing. The judges laugh at how ridiculous the girls look.
Now the evaluations. Nigel says that Michelle did best with "fear," and pretty much looked afraid during the whole test. The judges are impressed with her photo. Nigel notes that she pulled off passion and lust with an alligator between her legs. Well, if that's what he wants to call it. Tyra says she likes the photo but doesn't love it, and Janice yells that it's not good enough. She says that Michelle was born with beautiful looks, but that it takes a hell of a lot more than that to make it. Michelle looks like she's going to cry. I have to say that I think her photo looks pretty great, though she is of course still a crazy mess in person. Naima did well on the test, though Gerta didn't think she projected passion well. The judges ask her to do it again, and she smolders for them. Tyra notes that the face got ugly at the end as Naima did a bit of an Elvis lip. Naima laughs. For her photo, she gets pretty good reviews, though Janice and Nolé think she could have used her body better. Gerta says that Naima was the one model who really used her limbs like an animal, which was brilliant.
Keenyah was a bit stiff and didn't move during her test, and she was the same on "aloof" and "passion." Nigel loves Keenyah's photo and says that it has an elegance that elephants themselves have despite their size. Tyra says that they had to do a lot of body retouching on Keenyah's shot. Keenyah gets a little defensive and starts to explain her eating habits, and Janice yells, "Stop! If you're sporting a gut, then you turn to the side and disguise it." Tyra says that though Keenyah is a thin girl in the real world, the fashion industry is extreme, despite Tyra's efforts to make the saying "Fat is where it's at" stick. Tyra says that it comes down to choices and that she, herself, will make it work when she has to. She says that now she can (and does, we all might add) eat whatever the hell she wants to because she's paid her dues and earned the right to retouching. Janice says that she's seen Tyra eating burgers. Tyra says she does and then -- get ready for it -- Janice points to Tyra with a mild sneer of disgust and just says, "She eats those...ribs." And though I would love it, I totally don't think this is a shout-out. Rather, I think that Janice and I have achieved some scary sort of mind meld, which is much more exciting and also a little bit terrifying.
Christina looked a little crazy in her "happiness" pose, and passionless during "passion." Her photo gets rave reviews, Janice saying it’s the best she's ever taken. Gerta says that Christina's weak spot is her mouth. Tyra then tells Christina that she's going to teach her a trick to give her a full top lip, and that she does not, in fact, need surgery. She rips off a Post-It, folds it up, and tells Christina to stick it under her top lip. Janice starts to scream, "This is what the industry's all about! Chicken cutlets for the breasts! Even men stick fake penises down there for underwear jobs!" And seriously, that must go on the highlight reel. You may not be able to tell how awesome it was just from reading it but trust me, it ruled. Anyway, Christina looks retarded. And my girlfriend and I tried this trick and agreed that we looked equally ridiculous. It doesn't really work, no matter what Tyra says. And now I'm off to buy some chicken cutlets.
Brittany's posing was too much, and Nigel says they've told her time and time again that she's gorgeous when she's quiet and simple. She does, however, rock the photo. Kahlen did a great job on the emotion posing until it came to passion where, as her storyline dictates, she held back. Tyra says she wants to see passion, and then says, "Let's do passion together, Janice." Janice rises from her chair in this eerily still way and says, "You want to see passion?" She then gives Tyra a full-on tongue kiss, and Tyra actually tries to push her face away. Crazy stripper music plays as Date Rape Janice will not take no for an answer. She and Tyra fall to the ground and Janice pulls Tyra on top and wraps her leg around her as Nigel gets the biggest cheese and says he'd like to be involved. And from now on, I don't think a week will be complete unless I see some of Janice Dickinson's pixilated bits. The bar has just been set too high. Janice says, "Just kidding," and starts to get up, and then screams "Wait! Wait! Passion!" again and climbs on top of a face-down Tyra. I have suddenly become Anaïs Nin, and I don't think I like it. Janice says that it's just two girls having fun, but Tyra is mildly terrified. In any case, Kahlen's springbok picture is great and everyone loves it.
Judging. Naima looks amazing in her picture, but Gerta says she holds back a lot. Janice thinks that Brittany has what it takes to be a top model. Nigel says that she's an exaggeration, and like a walking exclamation mark, which is not pretty. Janice makes a face behind his back. Michelle is weak and nervous in person, but she pulls out beautiful photos, according to Nigel. Janice just thinks she sucks. Kahlen nailed the springbok, according to Gerta, who says she knows the animal very well. Janice says, "How well do you know it?," and Gerta, not knowing Janice very well, replies that it's her national animal. Christina was a great ostrich, but an ice queen in person. Keenyah is getting a bit careless and going down week by week. Nolé says that she's getting a bit too elephant for him, and Janice says, "Takes one to know one." Nolé says he's proud of it, and Janice rolls her eyes again. I would love to just watch the tapes of the judges' deliberation in real time.
Six beautiful ladies, five photos. That means someone's getting the boot! The following people are safe: Kahlen, Christina, Naima (who gets the "you have no personality" speech), and Brittany. Will Keenyah and Michelle please step forward? Michelle has a "rare" face, but falls apart under pressure, which isn't the greatest trait in the modeling industry. Keenyah is a fatty fatty boobalatty, which also doesn't bode well. Tyra says that there might not be time for either of them to fix their flaws, but that the judges have been in the industry for a long time and have seen miracles happen. Keenyah gets a photo, and Michelle gets cut. Michelle cries and hugs the other girls. Janice says, "Rock 'em hard," as Michelle leaves, and Nigel tells her that her time will come. Michelle tells us how much she wanted to win the competition, to be number one, and to be the best. She says that she started out being very shy and timid, but has become more confident throughout the process and as she's had to endure advice and criticism. She says she truly feels beautiful, which is something that she never really felt before. And I really do think that Michelle seems like a nice person, and I kind of feel for her, and all the she-nis stuff has been in good fun. That said, I hope to not run into her in the mental institution where we will doubtlessly both be committed, because I'm quite certain that she can kick my femme ass. In any case, best of luck, Big Mike!
week: the girls race to impress South Africa's fashion elite, which brings out Keenyah's competitive side. And then, hoping for a catfight of magnificent proportions, the judges ask the girls to critique one another. "I see maybe...dirty...in her underwear," says the always eloquent Keenyah. It's no missing appendage, but I'll take it.