Janice first gives Michelle a big flowery-looking thing, and tells her to project anger. Michelle says, "Just anytime?" Janice, with full sarcasm, says, "No. Wait an hour." And this is only the beginning, my friends, for Miss Dickinson is in rare form tonight. Montage of the flowery-thing anger pose. , the girls must express fear while holding a bongo. The word is "aloof." And here is where we get our weekly reminder that, no matter how much the show tries to get us to relate to them, models are still dumb. "What is aloof?" asks a clearly confused Kahlen. "Can I have a hint?" asks Michelle. "Aloof?" says Brittany. "I can't ask what aloof is?" "No," says Janice. Keenyah, Naima, and Christina do the pose, though in Christina's case I think she's just guessing at what "aloof" means and relying on the fact that all of her expressions look the same. Way to make your limitations work for you, crazy eyes. The expression is passion, with an African mask. The judges make fun of the girls pretty much the whole time, and Janice strikes at least one priceless facial expression, which is a particular surprise, since I figured her face and the various nerves within had been completely deadened from one procedure or another. The girls must emote happiness with a big leafy shield-looking thing. The judges laugh at how ridiculous the girls look.
Now the evaluations. Nigel says that Michelle did best with "fear," and pretty much looked afraid during the whole test. The judges are impressed with her photo. Nigel notes that she pulled off passion and lust with an alligator between her legs. Well, if that's what he wants to call it. Tyra says she likes the photo but doesn't love it, and Janice yells that it's not good enough. She says that Michelle was born with beautiful looks, but that it takes a hell of a lot more than that to make it. Michelle looks like she's going to cry. I have to say that I think her photo looks pretty great, though she is of course still a crazy mess in person. Naima did well on the test, though Gerta didn't think she projected passion well. The judges ask her to do it again, and she smolders for them. Tyra notes that the face got ugly at the end as Naima did a bit of an Elvis lip. Naima laughs. For her photo, she gets pretty good reviews, though Janice and Nol think she could have used her body better. Gerta says that Naima was the one model who really used her limbs like an animal, which was brilliant.
Keenyah was a bit stiff and didn't move during her test, and she was the same on "aloof" and "passion." Nigel loves Keenyah's photo and says that it has an elegance that elephants themselves have despite their size. Tyra says that they had to do a lot of body retouching on Keenyah's shot. Keenyah gets a little defensive and starts to explain her eating habits, and Janice yells, "Stop! If you're sporting a gut, then you turn to the side and disguise it." Tyra says that though Keenyah is a thin girl in the real world, the fashion industry is extreme, despite Tyra's efforts to make the saying "Fat is where it's at" stick. Tyra says that it comes down to choices and that she, herself, will make it work when she has to. She says that now she can (and does, we all might add) eat whatever the hell she wants to because she's paid her dues and earned the right to retouching. Janice says that she's seen Tyra eating burgers. Tyra says she does and then -- get ready for it -- Janice points to Tyra with a mild sneer of disgust and just says, "She eats those...ribs." And though I would love it, I totally don't think this is a shout-out. Rather, I think that Janice and I have achieved some scary sort of mind meld, which is much more exciting and also a little bit terrifying.
“ Crazy stripper music plays as Date Rape Janice will not take no for an answer. ”
Christina looked a little crazy in her "happiness" pose, and passionless during "passion." Her photo gets rave reviews, Janice saying its the best she's ever taken. Gerta says that Christina's weak spot is her mouth. Tyra then tells Christina that she's going to teach her a trick to give her a full top lip, and that she does not, in fact, need surgery. She rips off a Post-It, folds it up, and tells Christina to stick it under her top lip. Janice starts to scream, "This is what the industry's all about! Chicken cutlets for the breasts! Even men stick fake penises down there for underwear jobs!" And seriously, that must go on the highlight reel. You may not be able to tell how awesome it was just from reading it but trust me, it ruled. Anyway, Christina looks retarded. And my girlfriend and I tried this trick and agreed that we looked equally ridiculous. It doesn't really work, no matter what Tyra says. And now I'm off to buy some chicken cutlets.
Brittany's posing was too much, and Nigel says they've told her time and time again that she's gorgeous when she's quiet and simple. She does, however, rock the photo. Kahlen did a great job on the emotion posing until it came to passion where, as her storyline dictates, she held back. Tyra says she wants to see passion, and then says, "Let's do passion together, Janice." Janice rises from her chair in this eerily still way and says, "You want to see passion?" She then gives Tyra a full-on tongue kiss, and Tyra actually tries to push her face away. Crazy stripper music plays as Date Rape Janice will not take no for an answer. She and Tyra fall to the ground and Janice pulls Tyra on top and wraps her leg around her as Nigel gets the biggest cheese and says he'd like to be involved. And from now on, I don't think a week will be complete unless I see some of Janice Dickinson's pixilated bits. The bar has just been set too high. Janice says, "Just kidding," and starts to get up, and then screams "Wait! Wait! Passion!" again and climbs on top of a face-down Tyra. I have suddenly become Anas Nin, and I don't think I like it. Janice says that it's just two girls having fun, but Tyra is mildly terrified. In any case, Kahlen's springbok picture is great and everyone loves it.
Judging. Naima looks amazing in her picture, but Gerta says she holds back a lot. Janice thinks that Brittany has what it takes to be a top model. Nigel says that she's an exaggeration, and like a walking exclamation mark, which is not pretty. Janice makes a face behind his back. Michelle is weak and nervous in person, but she pulls out beautiful photos, according to Nigel. Janice just thinks she sucks. Kahlen nailed the springbok, according to Gerta, who says she knows the animal very well. Janice says, "How well do you know it?," and Gerta, not knowing Janice very well, replies that it's her national animal. Christina was a great ostrich, but an ice queen in person. Keenyah is getting a bit careless and going down week by week. Nol says that she's getting a bit too elephant for him, and Janice says, "Takes one to know one." Nol says he's proud of it, and Janice rolls her eyes again. I would love to just watch the tapes of the judges' deliberation in real time.
Six beautiful ladies, five photos. That means someone's getting the boot! The following people are safe: Kahlen, Christina, Naima (who gets the "you have no personality" speech), and Brittany. Will Keenyah and Michelle please step forward? Michelle has a "rare" face, but falls apart under pressure, which isn't the greatest trait in the modeling industry. Keenyah is a fatty fatty boobalatty, which also doesn't bode well. Tyra says that there might not be time for either of them to fix their flaws, but that the judges have been in the industry for a long time and have seen miracles happen. Keenyah gets a photo, and Michelle gets cut. Michelle cries and hugs the other girls. Janice says, "Rock 'em hard," as Michelle leaves, and Nigel tells her that her time will come. Michelle tells us how much she wanted to win the competition, to be number one, and to be the best. She says that she started out being very shy and timid, but has become more confident throughout the process and as she's had to endure advice and criticism. She says she truly feels beautiful, which is something that she never really felt before. And I really do think that Michelle seems like a nice person, and I kind of feel for her, and all the she-nis stuff has been in good fun. That said, I hope to not run into her in the mental institution where we will doubtlessly both be committed, because I'm quite certain that she can kick my femme ass. In any case, best of luck, Big Mike!
week: the girls race to impress South Africa's fashion elite, which brings out Keenyah's competitive side. And then, hoping for a catfight of magnificent proportions, the judges ask the girls to critique one another. "I see maybe...dirty...in her underwear," says the always eloquent Keenyah. It's no missing appendage, but I'll take it.