As usually happens following a great and momentous event, this week's post-Tyrade Top Model is actually a bit of a letdown. The girls all feel on edge after Tiffany's drama-filled elimination, and Tyra -- her nerves calmed after a trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Wes's Ribhouse -- comes to assure them that she's not actually going to have a breakdown every week. And actually, that's really because Tiffany was her favorite and she could actually give a rat's ass about the rest of them. The girls get a lesson in interviewing and being interviewed from Entertainment Tonight correspondent Jann Carl, and are later tested on what they've actually learned when they have to interview fellow UPN star and neophyte fashion designer Eve. And I am actually really sick of celebrities trying to sell us their ugly, ugly clothes. Christina wins the challenge, which doesn't actually seem to entail any kind of prize other than her interview actually being shown on Entertainment Tonight. Unless that actually comes with a side of diamonds, I think she was robbed. Meanwhile, Kahlen gets the news from home that one of her high school friends has actually passed away suddenly. In a really messed up "coincidence," the girls then discover that their shoot will actually entail posing as one of the Seven Deadly Sins while actually in a coffin at the bottom of an eight-foot grave. The girls look alternately ghoulish and drag-queenish, and an upset Kahlen actually manages to work her emotions into a convincing photo as "Wrath." At judging, the girls must endure a mock press conference with the judges, where Janice actually calls Christina out on her flatulence. Michelle gets weird and actually breaks down yet again at criticism on her photo, and also lands in the final two. But it is the toothless Tatiana who is eliminated and that's actually fine with everyone else because actually, nobody likes her. Oh, and Christina says "actually," like, a whole lot.
Previously on ANTM: Rebecca was uncomfortable in a sexy photo shoot that involved naked rippling torsos, Wonderbras, and chicken feathers. A judging challenge proved that illiteracy is a growing problem among the young, thin, and above-average looking women of the U.S.A. Tiffany began to give up on herself. The judges felt like all of the girls needed a wake-up call, which led to the decision to eliminate both Tiffany and Rebecca. And then Tyra started screaming and everything went to hell, resulting in one of the greatest moments in low-brow television history. Only seven girls remain!
And then I see a promo for Britney and Kevin, and the rest of television feels insignificant. Seriously, you guys, I cannot wait. Go UPN!
Some lite jazz welcomes us into the apartment where the girls are shocked and awed about the night's judging. The drama of the situation is underscored by the bright green and orange table where the girls sit. Keenyah tells us that elimination was crazy, and that she was not expecting the double elimination, nor Tyra's mental breakdown. We get a flashback, which has some of the girls' reaction shots interspersed with Tyra yelling. "Yell yell yell," yells Tyra. ["HOW DARE YOU GIVE AN UNDERWHELMING DEPICTION OF MY FREAK OUT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ? BE QUIET! STOP TALKING! AUGHHHGHGHH!" -- Tyra Banks] And poor freaking Rebecca, who had to stand there to Tiffany as she was being berated, really got the worst of it, if you ask me. Michelle says that Tiffany could have won the competition, and Naima says that everyone was rooting for Tiffany except Tiffany. And I think that Tyra and her alien consorts have implanted the girls with mind-control chips that only allow them to parrot exactly what she said when this subject comes up.
And then who should walk in but Tyra, fully calmed down and, not coincidentally, face smeared with barbecue sauce. She tells the girls that she wanted to talk to them because they might be scared after her blow-up at judging, and that she wants them to understand where her emotion came from. She says she knows that, at times, the girls have the desire to give up, and that she can relate because she felt that way too when she was a young model in Paris and faced horrible people in the industry who did everything in their power to make her go home and give up. Tyra and Janice were in France at the same time? This, of course, brings on some gratuitous shots of skinny teenaged Tyra, who in truth looks even more alienesque than she does now. Seeing at judging how Tiffany had given up on herself pissed Tyra off, because this could have been a turning point in Tiffany's life. It also upset her to see that Tiffany was giving away all of the opportunities that come along with being America's Top Model. I'm guessing this means that Mike Lookinland is single and looking!
Brittany tells Tyra that the girls all saw that Tiffany had given up. Keenyah interviews that Tiffany's heart wasn't in it, and that the girls really have to be aggressive and make opportunities for themselves. Tyra tells the girls that they need to give their all and fight until the end. Kahlen interviews that being on a hokey reality show is something that she's only going to do once in her life (yeah, tell it to Rob and Amber), and that she wants to prove that even though she's not as pretty as some of the other girls are, she can succeed. Tyra initiates a group hug, and when they link to one another "Hands Across America"-style, the girls can almost fit their collective arms around her. Almost. And I must admit that I am in a huge state of shock that Mama Banks did not appear in this segment in some capacity.
Michelle says that she feels a lot better, and that even if she's eliminated, she'll feel good about herself. Keenyah jokingly doubts this, given Michelle's bent towards being extremely hard on herself. Michelle says that she's been working on that, and confessionalizes that she's trying to stop beating herself up over things that she can't change. Acceptance of the she-nis is the first step, after all, in the 12-step "XXY Anonymous" group she's been attending. We get flashbacks of some of Michelle's breakdowns. She says that her self-confidence has increased over the course of the competition, and that she hopes the judges recognize this. She then says, "I feel beautiful now," all the while resembling an albino Lou Ferrigno.
Brittany tells us that she, Keenyah, and Christina are now going to move into the otherwise empty Bel-Air room with Tatiana, and this is doubtlessly a production move to create more drama. As they carry great piles of clothes into the room, Tatiana lies on her bed with a look of displeasure. She interviews that the other girls are really close and have lots of fun together, but that they've instituted a "teeth only" policy that excludes her from the group. She says that she is bummed.
Tyra Mail! "Have you ever been visited by an extra-terrestrial?" And I mean...are they kidding me with this? ["BE QUIET!!!!" -- Tyra Banks] You know that Tyra was all, "Oh ha ha, good one," to the guys in Production who came up with that one, and that later when their bodies washed to shore it was discovered that they had been mysteriously poked to death with chicken bones. Do not cross Tyra, my friends. The Tyra Mail continues, "Be ready to leave at 1:00." Christina repeats, "Have you ever been visited by an extra-terrestrial?" and Kahlen pauses for a moment before plainly saying, "No."
The girls go to a suite at the Renaissance Hotel, where they are greeted by Jann Carl, a correspondent and anchor for Entertainment Tonight, who is there to teach them how to act when they are thrown into the media spotlight. And why is it that all the Entertainment Tonight women look the same and wear ugly, shiny clothing? Perhaps it's so you never know which one is actually (ding!) going to give you the seizure. Naima says that once they met Jann, the ET/extra-terrestrial thing made sense. Except that no, it actually (ding!) still makes no sense. Jann says that it's her job as an interviewer to draw out funny stories and intimate details from her subjects. We are treated to Michelle wearing an "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt and sitting to Tatiana, which made me laugh for a full three minutes. As a reward, I will deduct one she-nis joke from the recap. Jann and the girls agree that when you see someone interviewed, you are really only hoping that some dirty, humiliating secret will be revealed. I think that is true of any interaction at any time, ever. The girls must learn how to navigate graciously around uncomfortable topics and questions. Well, it's worked for Whitney Houston. Show me the receipts! Each girl will have to mock-interview the supposed winner of ANTM, so each girl will take turns being both interviewer and interviewee. Kahlen interviews that she thinks she has this one in the bag, and Tatiana says that she doesn't know any of the girls and has no idea what questions to ask them. Maybe the chip on her shoulder contains some of those missing incisors. The girls have five minutes.
Keenyah interviews Naima, who says "amazing" a lot and doesn't divulge anything interesting or personal. She tells us that she will have to interview people at some point in her career, so this is good practice. Naima asks Keenyah if there was anyone in the house she wanted to strangle, and Keenyah says, "Her name was Brittany." Brittany cracks up and kicks her leg adorably as Jann tells Keenyah not to divulge quite so much information. Kahlen says that she was more nervous than she expected in the interview, and we see Brittany mention Kahlen's prior lack of boyfriends, and ask if Kahlen has had more luck getting dates. Kahlen says that she is now dating both Adam Brody and Colin Farrell. Jann says that Kahlen cheated, because she wasn't honest, and we got no sense of who she was. But isn't the point of this that they are in a pretend situation? This is no Janice Dickinson Season 2 interview, I'll tell you that much. Kahlen interviews Brittany, who says that she knew she had the competition in the bag from day one. Jann tells her to stick with things that she would honestly say, and Brittany replies that she would actually (ding!) say that before yelling "I'm just joking!" to the rest of the girls.
In response to a question from Naima, Michelle states that she's naturally shy, but that she continually tries to grow as a person. Jann says that she loves Michelle's naturalness, along with the fact that Michelle doesn't try to be anybody she's not. Like, for example, a woman. Christina says that she's looking forward to showing that, contrary to what the judges believe, she's a warm-hearted person. She begins interviewing Tatiana, and both ends of the interview are filled with the word "actually." The editors quite hilariously add a "ding" after each "actually" and put an "'actually' counter" at the bottom of the screen. They reach seven in the span of twenty-four seconds, until Jann steps in and tells them to stop saying it. Tatiana begins her answer with, "Actually..." Christina interviews, "It's a lot more difficult than you actually think it is. So, I'm glad we had the experience, actually." Ding! Funny. Lost in the hilarity, however, is the fact that Tatiana named herself as one of her greatest inspirations. And to think that no one likes her!
The girls get all tarted up to go to the El Centro dance club. Someone appears to be wearing a hideous pair of extra-short denim cut-offs. I think it is Naima, which I find quite distressing. Michelle says that she's never been to a club in Indiana, much less L.A., so she has no idea what to expect. In the van there, she says, "Just gonna freshen my breath and get ready." And I don't even want to think about that for too long. Keenyah yells that Michelle will be the one getting all the numbers. The girls enter the club, and we discover that Kahlen has a cool-looking tattoo on her side. We also discover that Michelle is a wild woman on the dance floor. Keenyah says that the rest of the girls had no idea Michelle had it in her. We see footage of Michelle bumping and grinding, and it's like a transgender episode of Club USA. Michelle rubs herself all over some guy in a purple shirt, who will soon know all there is to know about the crying game. She says that blondes do have more fun. Kahlen interviews that their outing was the most fun she's had since they've been there because the girls got to let loose and forget the competition.
And then, tragedy strikes. Very special music clues us in to the impending sadness. Kahlen tells us that she checked her messages and learned that one of her very good friends from when she was a bit younger passed away. We see her slam down the phone, yell "dammit!," and begin to cry. She interviews that she was shocked and didn't know if she could handle it. And by the calm tone that she has in the interview, I'm left to guess that she did. But still, sad. Commercials.
Very special music brings us back to Kahlen and her plight. She says that it's obviously been tough to have one of her friends ripped away from her unexpectedly. She's having a bad day. She's wondering if she has the strength to go on with the competition. She says that she's trying to put it in the back of her mind so that it doesn't show up in her performance.
Tyra Mail! "It's the eve of your first time in the media spotlight. Be ready at the crack of dawn." The girls puzzle over what "crack of dawn" means, and while that sounds dumb, I kind of get where they're coming from. Like, they want to know where the little hand should be when the van comes to pick them up. Not that I'm saying that models aren't dumb, because they are. ["I just got back from a cruise, and every night we would get a little newsletter for what was happening on the ship the day, including when sunrise and sunset were, as if my sister and I ever intended to see the sunrise. We were on vacation! Only on the last day we did have to see it because the Customs agents in San Juan had to come clear all the non-U.S. citizens at 6 AM, and we saw the sun come up and it was horrible. My point is this: the crack of dawn is early, and it sucks. Also, the Puerto Rican Customs agents were really hot." -- Wing Chun] In any case, the girls go to an office building, where they meet Bernadette Odoms, fashion marketing director. "Of what?" you may ask. Just be patient and all will be revealed, my friends. Bernadette says that the girls will have their media know-how put to the test in a challenge that is judged by Jann Carl, who obviously is being underutilized by ET if she has enough free time to provide the Top Model girls with a follow-up visit. Kahlen, who is wearing her black mourning sweater, says that she doesn't want the tragedy in her personal life to affect her performance in the competition.
Brittany, who looks really pretty, goes first. She is taken to a closed room, where she encounters special mystery guest Eve, who is billed as a rapper/actor/designer. She's wearing a fedora. Bernadette tells Brittany that her challenge will be to interview Eve about her new fashion line, Fetish. And now I finally understand what "I rock the Fetish people, you know who I am," means. Until now, whenever I heard Eve guest-rapping on Gwen Stefani's "Rich Girl," I always thought that she was big into S&M, and that only those in that community (the "fetish people" she professes to rock) knew that Eve was secretly a big dominatrix or something. Sometimes I read too much into things. Brittany is starstruck by Eve. She is handed a microphone and told that she has five minutes. She absolutely towers over Eve, as does pretty much every other model. Brittany asks Eve what her inspiration for Fetish was, and Eve says that she wore a lot of other designers and thought, "Why not?" And I have to say that Eve is not the most bubbly or forthcoming interviewee. Jann says that Brittany had good energy, but said some variation of "that's wonderful!" after Eve's every answer. Naima is slow and sort of loses her train of thought. Keenyah looks like an Amazon and is on point until she loses it and just starts rambling unintelligibly. Eve clearly has no idea what the hell she's talking about, and Jann covers her face with her eyes.
Michelle seems cool and collected and asks Eve if she's ever felt like giving up. Eve finally comes alive for a second. Kahlen says she's sweating, and Eve tells her that everyone sweats, and not to worry about it. And I know all about that. Or at least I did until my miracle friend Certain Dri came into my life. Kahlen asks Eve if she is dating anyone, which earns her points from Jann. Tatiana fires questions at Eve, who says that she was a really good interviewer. Tatiana says that she feels good, and like she might win. That is the kiss of death. Christina seems very together, and asks Eve who has inspired her. Eve says that Puffy was her greatest inspiration. He's also my greatest inspiration for turning complete lack of talent into millions of dollars. Jann says that Christina's knowledge about Eve and her line was reflected in her questions. Jann says that the winner of the challenge will actually (ding! And Jann actually said "actually" here, and the editors actually put in a "ding!," which is actually quite clever) have their interview featured on Entertainment Tonight. She says that overall she thought the girls were good. And "good" actually (ding!) means "mediocre" here. Christina is the winner, and appears pleased on an icy, unemotional way. Tatiana says that she was disappointed, but she congratulates Christina, who did well and deserves to win. You can tell she doesn't actually mean a word of that.
The girls hang out at the loft. Christina says that the atmosphere is tense, and that everyone has her eyes on the prize. Michelle plays solitaire. Keenyah starts complaining that their room is a mess, and gives Tatiana a little lecture about having a clean living environment in a very mom tone of voice. She's wearing a bathrobe all the while and is perhaps the most matronly eighteen-year-old I've ever seen. Tatiana kind of dismisses her. Keenyah is irritated. Tatiana interviews that there is stuff all over the place, and so she doesn't know why Keenyah is bringing it up to her. Tatiana talks to her boyfriend on the phone. She tells him that, just like when she was in school, she doesn't have a lot of friends in the house. She's crying, and I feel a little bad for her. She interviews that she doesn't particularly get along with all of the girls in the house. She says, "I'm not saying that they don't like me, I'm just saying that they don't seem too fond of me." Which is kind of the same thing, and also sad.
Tyra Mail! There's a lot this episode. Mr. McFeely must be getting tired from all of the speedy deliveries. The Tyra Mail says, "Tomorrow you'll finally get to rest in peace and quiet. Be ready to leave at 7:30 AM." Kahlen says, "We're gonna be dead?" Michelle says that they might be zombies. Kahlen interviews that she's hoping it has nothing to do with death, because she doesn't know if she can deal. Christina lies with Kahlen on the couch as Kahlen says that tomorrow will be a really hard day. Christina says she's hoping that their guesses are wrong, and then picks a bit of lint off of Kahlen's sweater. This is soon to become a recurring theme, making this episode read a bit like a National Geographic special on baboons. Thank goodness it was lint and not an actual bug, or Christina might have had it for a between-meal snack and gained an ounce.
Morning. It is cloudy. The girls pull up to -- you guessed it -- a cemetery. Kahlen folds over and starts crying. And that is pretty shitty. The girls walk out to meet Jay. Kahlen says she knows that this is just a coincidence ["yeah, sure it fucking is" -- Wing Chun] ["Dag, Wing." -- Potes], but she still doesn't feel like staying there. Jay -- who is wearing some a t-shirt with sort of a skull on it -- starts his usual blabbering. There is very dramatic music playing in the background, which makes him sound stupider than ever. He tells the girls that each of them is going to have to portray one of the seven deadly sins "while looking deadly gorgeous." He says that he hopes none of them are freaked out by tight, confined, creepy spaces, and Kahlen almost starts to walk off. She voices over that it took everything in her not to give up at that moment. Jay tells the girls that they are going to have to pose at the bottom of an eight-foot grave. Kahlen stares in horror. She interviews that she blanked out. Well, at least the grave isn't going to be filled with maggots. Small favors. We fade to commercials.
And the Cover Girl of the Week for an unprecedented sixth week in a row is Naima! I think it's because everyone knows she's actually too cool to be on the show. Except for those of you who hate her.
When we return, scary music plays, along with sounds of thunder. The girls stand around the grave where they will soon have to pose. Kahlen says that she's feeling a lot of pain that she had been able to suppress up until that moment. Jay introduces the girls to photographer Johann Wolf. Johann jokes that the girls all look too alive. Kahlen looks upset, and Jay asks if she's okay. Jay asks her if something is wrong, and whether she wants to talk about it. Kahlen says, "Nope," and steps away. A bit later, Jay asks Brittany if she knows what's going on, and Brittany explains about Kahlen's dead friend. Jay kind of feels like an asshole, and rightly so. He talks to Kahlen, who says she'll be fine. Jay tells her to take a little break before she starts hair and makeup. The rest of the girls get made up in ways both ghoulish and garish. Brittany -- who looks super-creepy and Bride of Frankenstein-ish -- is portraying "sloth." She wonders how she's going to make it look sexy. As she is put into the coffin and about to be lowered into the grave, Jay tells her that this is something that would appear in a high-end European fashion magazine. And I'm sure that's why all the high-end European fashion magazines are knocking down his door with offers for art direction positions. Jay tells Brittany to look high-fashion and not freakshow circus. As she is lowered into the grave, she says it's creepy. Jay yells, "Well, think of it this way: the time you're lowered down, you'll probably be dead." That's sensitive. "Oh thanks, Jay," says Brittany. ["'Probably'?" -- Wing Chun]
Jay tells Brittany that she's looking too "fright night." Well, look at her makeup. He asks why she thinks sloth is a deadly sin. She asks if it's just laziness, and Jay says that we get caught up in all kinds of things that slow us down, like listening to idiots trying to give you direction when they don't actually know what they're talking about. He says that if she thinks it, it will read overall. Brittany starts moving around more, which would seem counter to the nature of her sin, but Jay likes it better and says that it's really giving him a sense of sloth. Brittany is lifted from the grave as "Return of the Dead" music plays.
Meanwhile, the other girls get ready, and someone says that Michelle gets a certain cockiness at photo shoots. And...yeah. She agrees, and says that once the makeup goes on, she feels beautiful and sassy. Naima, who is all greened up, shoots Michelle a funny look. She interviews that Michelle is a little weird, and kept saying that the shoot was cool, while Naima thought it was freaky. Michelle says, "We should have gone and, like, seen a zombie movie before we came." Brittany, in a voice of dead sarcasm, says, "That's a good idea, Michelle." Michelle -- who is dressed up just like a Drag Queen of the Dead -- interviews that she's glad that she got to be the sin of "pride," and that if it had been one of her first photo shoots, she would have failed miserably. As opposed to now, when she fails miserably. Jay's advice for this shot consists of him screaming, "Michelle, you're proud. You're pride." He then interviews that though she was great last photo shoot, she now has no idea what to do. With that kind of direction, I don't know how she couldn't get into the subtlety and nuance of the concept. She does look insane, and Jay says she came off like a beauty queen on acid. She interviews that she always beats herself up, because there's always something she could have done better. And in the interview, she still looks to have shadows of impetigo, which I think means it was filmed some time ago. And I think Shadows of Impetigo might be the name of my collection of poetry. She runs off saying, "Oh well, I did my best." And I think we all know that Michelle's journey to mental health isn't going to be completed quite so quickly.
Meanwhile, Christina comforts a crying Kahlen and picks more bugs off of her back. She tells Kahlen that this shoot is going to be her personal challenge. Christina interviews that she is just trying to comfort Kahlen, because she doesn't want to see her go home over something like this. Kahlen feels tested and is heartbroken. Sad.
As the rain comes down, Tatiana portrays the sin of greed. She finds it difficult to relate because she is not a greedy person. She rolls around in the coffin with lots of fake money. Johann the photographer tells her, "Make love to the money. Just feel it all over you. It's your lover." I just hate this guy. Jay tells her that there's a fine line between kitsch and high fashion, and that he doesn't want it to look like a circus. Johann says that Tatiana could have pushed a bit further. ["Seriously. That would be the easiest sin to act. Or second-easiest, at least." -- Wing Chun] Christina is "lust" ["easiest" -- Wing Chun], and says that while she thinks she's beautiful, she doesn't consider herself an ultra-sexy girl. Though she's a modest one, indeed. She's all decked out in a tart-red bustier and fishnets. She says that she has to get into a different mind frame for the shoot. Jay tells her to sex it up and says, "You want them to adore every part of your body, like, lick between your toes, I mean everything. Hey big boy, wanna come in? Ten bucks a pop!" He then acknowledges that ten bucks is cheap, and that he was flashing back to the days when he was first peddling his wares to lonely oompah-loompahs. Joahnn then says, "Oh yes, it's like a lover caressing you there. Ooooh! Ahhhh! Mmmm! Yeahhhhh!" as Christina poses. I don't know how this shot suddenly became Cinemax After Dark, but what can I tell you. Jay says that this is the first time they got emotion out of Christina, but that it was like pulling teeth. At least she has teeth.
Naima is envy, which she defines as wanting everything because you feel you don't have anything. She has green makeup and hair, and is outfitted only in a sheer blue piece of green material around her hips. Jay tells her that she looks beautiful, and that as soon as they lowered Naima down, she was stunning. Keenyah's sin is gluttony, and she is forced to pose with lots of food, including bacon fat. Jay says that Keenyah's shot came off as campy as opposed to "fashiony," and in all truth the woman is decked out in a Miss Piggy wig and fat dress. I don't see how she couldn't look like Divine. Jay says that he's seen drag queens softer than Keenyah, which really translates into, "I've been drag queens softer than her." Kahlen gets made up and says that she tried to push through despite her fragile mindset. Her deadly sin is "wrath," and as she is in the coffin, she admits that she's trying not to feel anything at the moment. She's wearing one of Cher's castoff red wigs from the "Believe" tour. Jay tells her to take all of her nerves and turn them into pure anger with every bit of might in her body. She sneers and growls, and Jay says, "Don't act it, be it. Like, scream." "Arrrrgh! Arrrrgh!" she screams, which really serves to highlight her bucky front teeth. She says that it was really hard, but that she's glad she stuck through it. She hopes that her picture was good enough to keep her in the competition.
Back at home, Kahlen says that she's mentally exhausted, and that Christina has been helping her to deal with the situation, and is one of the sweetest girls in the house. Tyra Mail! Someone's getting eliminated. Michelle says that she did her best, and hopes that her best is on par with the other girls'. Tatiana says that she's nervous because she's had a few mediocre shots in a row. She thinks she stepped it up, but isn't super-confident. Kahlen thinks that it's going to be her, and worries that being kicked out of the competition is going to shatter her completely. And on that positive note, commercials.
And then, "My Life as a Cover Girl." Eva gets media training and goes on and on about how great the Cover Girl products are. I wish she would get that tiny blonde poodle off of her head. Sigh.
A photo of Tyra as a creepy-eyed Grim Reaper welcomes us to judging. She goes over the prizes yet again. She introduces the "crazy fools" we know as judges, and Janice throws her hands up saying, "There she goes again, calling me crazy." Photographer Johann Wolf -- who is also a "fierce commercial director" -- is the guest judge. Tyra tells the girls that sometimes being in the media spotlight can be great, and sometimes it's a pain in the "you know what." She points to her own ass, which is clearly bound by butt girdles. To see how the girls handle the pressure, they'll participate in a mock press conference in which the judges will fire questions at them, some based on gossip that they've heard from the hair and makeup folks, and some totally fabricated. And thank God they're not playing characters from other countries or states with funny accents.
Michelle is first, and Flambé (Nolé) asks if the clothing line is for heterosexuals, homosexuals, or bisexuals. Michelle says it's for anyone, and Flambé asks about her sexual orientation. She says she's bi, but that it has nothing to do with the clothes. The judges ask Naima about being a vegetarian. Tyra says she just saw a photo of Naima slobbering over meat, which Naima denies in a very slow, deliberate way that makes Janice give a face like she is bored out of her gourd. Tyra grills Kahlen about her hair weave, which Kahlen admits is all kinds of messed up. She laughs, and Janice notes that this is the first time Kahlen's smiled. Tyra says knowingly, "That's because she's talking about hair weaves." Only on this show would that be considered a poignant line. Flambé tells Keenyah that they've seen a photo of her picking her nose. Keenyah says that she thinks it's great for a person to feel comfortable picking her nose, and then reenacts it upon the judges' request. Tyra notes that Tatiana has dated a man twice her age, which gets the attention of Janice and Nigel, who move their heads in unison like kittens watching a tennis match. Tyra asks how this might affect Tatiana's status as role model for young girls. Tatiana says that it wasn't a "close-close" relationship, and Flambé asks if she's trying to say that he was more "uncle" than "Sugar Daddy." He would know the distinction better than anyone, I bet. Tatiana gets flustered. She says that it was a friendship and Tyra asks, "With benefits?" Tatiana yells, "NO!" and Tyra asks, "No kissing?" Tatiana is dumbstruck, as opposed to her usual expression of "dumb."
The judges grill Brittany about photos of her drinking it up on top of a table with Paris Hilton, and she coolly says that she likes to make a scene because that puts her clothing line on the front page. Janice says, "Personally, I see nothing wrong with dancing on tabletops! I do it all the time!" Flambé asks Christina if she'll be giving a small donation to IBS, which captioning tells us is irritable bowel syndrome. And IBS is no laughing matter, my friends. Christina laughs and says that it is a problem a lot of girls are facing. Tyra says that she has it. Janice asks if some of the girls need to wear diapers, and if there is an ANTM diaper out yet. Christina says that she prefers not to answer. Janice then comes back with the episode's greatest line, "We're on a need-to-know basis about your flatulence." That goes on the highlight reel.
Judging. Nigel tells Christina to be careful when she's talking because she sounds like a businesswoman. Which is a very, very bad thing, girls of the world! Forego the MBA in favor of schooling on the art of a glamorous smoky eye! Her shot as "lust" gets wows, until Johann says that "lust" was an opportunity for Christina to go over the top. Tyra agrees and makes Christina go work the pole in the room. Oh, I miss Cassie a little bit. Naima sounded stiff and rehearsed in the press conference, and needs to be more natural. Nigel and Janice think that Naima's photo is to die for. Tyra says that her face looks pretty but should have expressed more of an evil "I want what you have, bitch"-type look. Tyra just does not like her. Keenyah let the judges get the best of her in the press conference, and Tyra tells all the girls just to deny things that are untrue. Her "gluttony" photo gets pans all around, with Janice calling it "piggy chic." Tyra tells Keenyah that she would have liked to see the donut hanging out of her mouth, which would have made the shot more modelesque. Tyra looks modelesque in that same way each and every morning at Dunkin' Donuts. ["BE QUIET!!!" -- Tyra Banks] Flambé tells Brittany that in her press conference, she was more of a spokesperson for being drunk than for ANTM. Well, perhaps that's because they kept asking about her drinking. Nigel says it's interesting to see her looking as subtle as she does in her photo. Johann says that she went into the coffin laughing and having a good time, which made his job much easier. Janice says, "And that's the attitude of a winner!" I like that Janice likes Brittany.
Tatiana was boring and bumbling in the press conference, and needs not to show when she gets frazzled. Her picture as "greed" gets raves from everyone except Nigel, who says it's his least favorite. Johann says that though Tatiana's beautiful, her face looked strained in many of the photos. Nigel notes that her face can't handle a lot of makeup, which concerns him. Tyra says that Kahlen was sweet and real. The judges think that her "wrath" photo is fabulous. Johann says that she was like an actor pushing through personal difficulties, and Kahlen starts to look sad because she's sick of being compared to Robert Downey Jr. Janice yells, "What happened, honey?" and Typrah says, "No Janice, it's serious." Janice says, "Oh," and Tyra tells Kahlen that she doesn't have to talk about it. And then Michelle. Flambé says that he likes how comfortable she is with her sexuality, and that she has a relatable quality. Janice says that if that could be connected to a face and body vibe, they'd have a winner. When Michelle's "pride" photo comes up, the judges actually start laughing. And that's kind of mean. Flambé says that she looks like gay pride on a float. And I think he means to say a gay pride float. I'm surprised he didn't say, "You look like a hyena on top a float made of crack in the gay pride parade of the animal kingdom." The judges all laugh more. Janice tells Michelle that it has to come from inside, and that she has to be proud of who she is. Michelle starts to cry. Janice says, "Michelle, what's going on with you?" I think she's had it with Michelle. Michelle says that she just graduated high school and is trying to find out who she is, and that she put her heart and soul into the shot and tried so hard. Janice tells Michelle that she's had to go through years of criticism and feeling bad, and that it's just part of being a model, so she should get herself a nice drug addiction to dull the pain. Janice says that she's there to snap Michelle into the level, but that if she doesn't understand that this is part of the job, she's going to get the boot.
Evaluations. Flambé says that Brittany is a wild child who needs some training. Tyra says that her photo doesn't look like a fashion model at all, but more like someone who wants to be a model. Um, isn't that kind of what Brittany is? This show kills me. Nigel says that Tatiana fell apart this week, and that although she is pretty and takes good pictures, she hasn't learned to speak at all. Janice says that she'll make a nice art-piece trophy wife someday. Nigel thinks that Naima is dynamite. Janice says that it's a great picture, and that Naima looks hot in it. Flambé says that Keenyah looks like a dead drag queen in the coffin. Tyra says that Keenyah looks like a girl in an R&B video talking about, "My man left me and I'm going to eat an apple." Oh, the fruit-loving world of R&B. Tyra explains about Kahlen's friend dying, and Janice looks shocked. They agree that Kahlen's photo is great, and that she consistently delivers. Nigel and Tyra agree that Michelle wants to be a model more than any other girl there. Janice cuts to the quick by saying, "Name one client that would book this girl. She should be working at a diner on roller skates." Nigel says that Christina's picture is beautiful, and Tyra says that it's sex and not lust. She asks Janice to "do lust to Nigel," and Janice obliges by kind of drooling over his face until Tyra tells her to stop. Those two are getting weirder than Paula and Simon.
Seven girls, six photos. What to do? The following girls are still in the running: Kahlen, Christina, Naima, Keenyah (who I can't believe gets a photo before Brittany), and Brittany. Will Michelle and Tatiana please step forward? Both girls are beautiful and take beautiful pictures, but they both lack when they have to represent themselves, be articulate, and demonstrate healthy self-esteem. The judges feel that one girl may have more potential -- and also has more teeth -- and it's Michelle. Tatiana gets total little-girl crying face, which makes me sad. Michelle tells Tyra that she'll work harder, and Tyra says, "Okay," which really means, "Okay, just make sure to cause some more drama, 'cause you the only crazy bitch left." Tatiana says that the competition meant a lot to her, and that she wishes she could have gone further. She says she knows that she takes gorgeous pictures, but that she can't handle herself well when she gets nervous. She's disappointed in herself, but still feels that she can be a model, and probably be more successful with the knowledge she's gleaned from Top Model. Good luck, Tatiana, and here's hoping you get a roof over your head one of these days.
Coming up: Michelle grows distant while Keenyah gets fat, and the girls pack their bags for an exotic location.