Previously: Michelle had a tendency to freak out, to the amusement of all; Tyra told Lluvy that she had the worst photo in ANTM history, which was a total lie; and Brandy was sent back to clown college, from which she'll also be expelled due to her attitude, I assume. Only eleven girls are left! And one of them is about to look even worse!
It is day at the Top Model warehouse apartment. A hoodied Lluvy says it's weird that Brandy is gone, and Tatiana mumbles something like "Ieva bear lish." Seriously, it's totally unintelligible. Why do they put those things in the show? Tatiana then says she thinks it's great, presumably because (a) she hated Brandy, who kind of threatened her, and (b) if Brandy had, stayed Lluvy would be gone. Lluvy says she expected to go home, and that hearing that hers was the worst picture in ANTM history has put more pressure on her. "Holy camole, I'm that girl," she says. And I stand behind anyone who uses the phrase "Holy camole."
Hideous Christina the Head Louse -- who may soon lose that moniker because she's actually been pretty non-offensive (I know, I'm going soft) -- says that Michelle keeps to herself and doesn't try to fit in or make friends. She adds that Michelle's personality is different from those of the other girls. Or, more aptly, "personalities." Michelle hulks around awkwardly and scratches herself. Perhaps she would like some gristle to eat. She tells us that she woke up one morning with a few strange spots on her face that look like burn marks. She's never experienced this before, and doesn't know what it is. Outside, Noelle gossips to Keenyah about Michelle's condition: "Maybe she hurts herself to make herself feel better," and then applies some blush. I'm sorry, but I'm so sure that Michelle is burning her own face while competing in a modeling competition. Does endometriosis travel to the brain? Keenyah jokingly suggests that it might be witchcraft, or that Michelle worships the devil. And I guess it's just as well that we are reminded that the brain-cell count in this household is lower than that in the Oval Office. Noelle exclaims that Michelle has big old scabs. Which, point taken. But can't someone just kindly suggest that Michelle see a doctor?
Tyra Mail! The girls (including Keenyah, who is wearing only underwear and socks and is hastily putting on a robe) come running. "You all have assets, but you also have flaws. See if you can make up for them. Be ready at 2:45 PM." It's lobotomy time! They all guess that their task will have to do with makeup. Michelle picks at herself awkwardly and thinks about the savory gristle pot pie she's got cooking for dinner.
The girls drive to Make-up Designory. "Designory"? A hunched-over old orange man sits outside the building, writing on a clipboard. Michelle interviews that she hopes they teach her how to apply makeup, because she can do mascara, but that's it. In her field of work, however, her proficiency at tucking more than makes up for this. Also, she looks like a monster. The girls take their seats in a classroom, and in walks the aforementioned old orange man. He introduces himself (in a terrible Long Island accent) as Paul Thompson, Instructor, and also introduces his assistant. He says that the girls are going to attend a three-hour class. They all look confused and bored. He starts in about the benefits of a lip pencil, and then scolds Keenyah, who made a movement toward the person to her. Then, all of a sudden, the old orange man's voice goes up about six registers and says, "Y'all better work it, girls," and snaps. Yes, it is the Dowager Jay Manuel. We see a before and after, and he is equal parts orange in both. Tiffany says she had no idea it was Mr. Jay, and would have expected Tyra before him. Oh, Jay and his clever disguises! For once he was wearing a shirt that hid his nipples, which is I think what really threw the girls off.
Jay introduces the real Paul Thompson, director of education at M.U.D., who is also responsible for Jay's makeover into an old dude. We flash back to Jay getting layers of latex applied to his face. Which, not such a departure for him. He says they did this to show the girls the transformative power of makeup. Kahlen says, "I think the reason that Mr. Jay dressed up is to show the rest of us that even though Michelle has scabies, she can still be beautiful." And then cracks up. And okay, that was pretty funny, even though she shouldn't be talking with that raggedy-ass weave falling off her head and all. Jay tells the girls each to pick a partner, and then asks them to define go-see. Keenyah defines it exactly and Jay says, "Okay, that's pretty close, good." Idiot. He says it's important for the girls to look natural when they walk in to see clients, and that the girls are to give each other "go-see" makeup in their pairs. We see tables of Cover Girl products, and Jay tells the girls to strive for "a clean, fresh, natural look." And also, easy, breezy, and beautiful. Jay leaves to get his makeup taken off, and the girls set to task. Jay tells us that the girls need to understand that, despite the volume of makeup they have access to, they must not look made up. Noelle thinks that she's good at making up her own face, but that it's difficult to do it to someone else. Which is why there is such a thing as cosmetology school, half-wit. Michelle is partnered with Lluvy and Tiffany, and feels bad because they have to hide her huge sores. And it's true that they should get some kind of extra credit points for that or something. Tiffany says that Michelle looks pretty. Which is a lie, but nice nonetheless. Michelle interviews that her face is falling off, and how can she be happy about that? Actually, if I had her face, I might not think it was such a bad thing.
Michelle is loath to put makeup on the others, saying that she doesn't know how. Tiffany and Lluvy try to encourage her, but she has none of it. Naima interviews that Michelle is always in competitive mode. She adds that her dad used to get marks on his face when he was stressed, so maybe Michelle just needs to relax. Michelle tries to put eyeshadow on Lluvy, and then declares in a serious manner that she can't do makeup. Tiffany tells her to chill, and interviews that no one else knew how to do makeup either, but that at least they were having fun. Tiffany says that Michelle claims to be a perfectionist and hard on herself, but Tiffany thinks that Michelle's problem is deeper than that. We get a brief slo-mo of Michelle scrunching up her nose, and looking for all the world like she walked out of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. I'm sure watching this is really going to do wonders for her self esteem.
Jay looks at the girls with their finished faces. He notes that Lluvy looks great and natural. Tiffany takes credit, and then Lluvy says, "And Michelle." Aww, Lluvy is nice. Michelle is off in a corner, skulking. Dude, just quit being such a freakshow and go to the doctor. Jay says that Lluvy looks fresh, natural, and soft. Jay says Noelle is too pale and looks sickly. Noelle tells us that she can only keep up with the world of fashion by reading magazines during her lunch break at work, because at home she's busy taking care of her miracle baby. Noelle looks about a million times better with straight hair, incidentally. Christina did Naima's makeup, which Jay seems to like until he learns that they didn't use any foundation. Idiot. Meanwhile, Michelle skulks in a corner, looking monstrous. Because of this, Christina appears nice and pretty in comparison. Jay reiterates that the lesson of the day is that go-see makeup doesn't look like you're wearing makeup. So we're to believe that his orange skin tone was the work of God?
In the van going home, Tiffany tells Michelle that sometimes, Michelle scares the hell out of her. Michelle says that she's a perfectionist and kicks herself all the time. Keenyah says that Michelle beats herself up over any activity that they have to do, and that now that she's having the scary face issues, she's starting to feel ugly as well. She's just starting? Well, good for her for maintaining the delusion for eighteen years. Someone tells Michelle that her face issue is getting worse, and she says it is and looks gross. And then, there is footage of Michelle during an interview in which she looks so entirely horrendous that I can't help but feel kind of bad for her. She has the awful blonde hair with the roots, and those yellow teeth, and open sores all over her face, and she's been crying so her eyes are totally glassy and the extended area around her nose is all red, and there is maybe snot trickling out of it as well. Probably green snot if you look up close. She says, "I've always wanted to feel gorgeous and beautiful. But then I'll go and look in the mirror and it's like, my nose is too big, my skin's not healthy. And I'm looking at everyone else around me. I look nothing like them." Perhaps she could consider moving to the Planet of the Undead if she's worried about blending in. Commercials.
When we return, Noelle is on the phone talking to her son Damien. She promises that she's coming home soon, which demonstrates that she may have some psychic abilities. She says that Damien means "like, everything" to her. So much, in fact, that she left him at home so that she could make a better life as a reality-show participant. On the UPN. She feels like she's literally missing a part of herself. Some of the girls sit outside, and Noelle blathers on about how her life is no longer just about her, and how she's doing everything to make a better life for her child. Brittany gives her a hilarious look, and interviews, "Noelle talks constantly about her child, 24/7. Okay. We got it. You have a kid. ." Hee!
And then, a surprise visit from Tyra. There is much pandemonium. She asks the girls if they are feeling stressed. Noelle says that they are going through more stress than they've ever faced previously in their lives. Tyra has a one-on-one chat with each of the girls. Keenyah expresses how much she admires Tyra and says she can't believe that she's sitting in such close proximity. Tyra takes Keenyah's hand and puts it on her arm and says, "I'm real." And then Keenyah puts a bit too much pressure on her and the green slime that comprises Tyra's blood starts spurting out, and then her weave explodes and reveals five secret heads with thirteen eyeballs each. Lluvy has a lot on her mind, and says she knows what her flaws are but can't fix them. Tyra says that Lluvy has a very interesting face, but needs to be aware of how to photograph it in the best manner. If not held right, her eyes can convey "Bleaahhhhh." If held right, they convey, "POW!"
And then Michelle. Tyra asks how she's handling the pressure of the competition, and Michelle points out her enormous facial scabs. Tyra looks concerned and mildly horrified. Michelle says it's scaring her, and that she doesn't know if it's caused by stress or makeup. Tyra guesses that neither is to blame. She then says that she's had a lot of skin problems, including warts when she was a little girl and black patches on the left side of her thigh that she needed to get burned off, but that nothing was as bad as Michelle's face. Hear that, Michelle? Tyra had to have something actually burned off of her flesh, and you've still trumped her with your ugly condition! Well done. Tyra asks if the show is sending her to the dermatologist, and Michelle says yes.
Tiffany doesn't know how she's doing, and feels like she doesn't fit in. She says that she wants to be a model, but that sometimes she won't know the definition of a word, or won't recognize the items on a menu when they go out. Which is why she chooses to drink herself into oblivion and vomit at the dinner table, to draw attention away from her lack of knowledge. Tyra says that once upon a time, she didn't know what foie gras and smoked salmon with crème fraiche were, but now she's a fabulous supermodel slash television producer slash talk show host and eats buckets of each every day. She tells Tiffany that it's okay to ask questions. Tiffany says that there's a lot going on, and that she misses home. She feels like she has nobody. Tyra says that a lot of that is fear, and that if Tiffany opens herself up, she might find that a lot of girls are having similar experiences.
Tatiana tells Tyra that she doesn't really have a home in Hawaii, and that she's been staying on her friends' couches and whatnot. She had a house with her sister, but then her sister kicked her out and stole all of Tatiana's money. Tatiana's mom lives with a boyfriend. So Tatiana sometimes sleeps on the beach. And I totally think she's lying. But let's assume for a minute that she's telling the truth. She's opening up her sad and shameful secret to Tyra, offering her the perfect opportunity to practice some Typrah Winbanks-sized acts of kindness and compassion. And so Tyra says, "Well I say just stay strong. Just keep your eye on the prize. You have a lot to gain." And I mean, that's it? Tyra really has a lot to learn, because Oprah totally would have given Tatiana a Pontiac to live in or sent her to lunch with Maya Angelou or something and really made her feel better. But "eyes on the prize?" I mean, come on.
Noelle misses her kid. What else is new. Her son calls her "Ma Ho," which is short for "Ma Endometri-HO-sis." Tyra lies to Noelle that it's totally acceptable to have a child and be a model, and that you can bring your baby to work with you. And if you want your kid's first toy to be Karl Lagerfeld's coke spoon, I say have at it.
Tyra Mail! "You've all had good and bad critiques. See if you can make up the difference. Be ready at 7:00 AM." The girls groggily exit their warehouse and end up at the Salon at Beverly Hills, where Jay is waiting. He says, "So what did we do yesterday?" He's like that annoying teacher who always asks you what you just learned in a really condescending tone, and then says the answer in unison with you. The girls learned a clean, fresh, natural look yesterday, but are doing something totally different today. He then asks the girls if they know what haute couture is. And I know he's gotten a lot of flak in the forums for his pronunciation, but I actually think he's saying it just fine. And you know that I don't usually cut Jay a break, so I say this reluctantly. In any case, crickets chirp for the girls, who have no idea. Jay is appalled. He tells them that haute couture is elaborate high-fashion runway style (well, he says makeup, but I think he means overall style), and we see some examples of crazy-looking models. The girls will be challenged to create an haute couture makeup look with foundation, blush and eyeshadow, mascara and eyeliner, accessories, and lipsticks. The materials are divided across five stations, and each girl gets forty-five seconds at each. They'll be judged on creativity and originality. The winner and two friends each get "a custom-made one of a kind item from a designer," which sounds glamorous but is actually not.
Michelle interviews that she's worried about the skin aspect, and that looks count in a modeling contest. Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Rocky Dennis. She is freaking out a bit. She says that she was going to watch everyone else who went before her, but -- just her luck -- she was first. And I hope that the other girls used different brushes. There is a flurry of activity. Kahlen jokingly interviews that forty-six seconds might have made all the difference, but the forty-five killed her. Michelle interviews that she thought she did "awesome" until she saw the other girls, who appeared to be doing well. Just like how she thought she was pretty until she the first time saw another human being. Jay clocks his stopwatch and the task is completed. He rates the girls. Rebecca looks like a mall rat, Brittany did pretty well, and Tiffany looks like "a toasted Miss Piggy on crack." And what the fuck does that mean? Also, shut up, Guy Smiley. Tiffany laughs, though, ever the good sport. Noelle also looks like a mall rat, and says that she has no clue what haute couture is, and that it's her son's fault because he doesn't want to watch TV. Damn that little rat for demanding quality time! Lluvy looks like Daisy Duke, and overlashed herself. Michelle is more "fright night" than "glamorous." She continues to beat herself up for not doing well. Naima wins, of course, because she is the greatest. She has feathers taped to her forehead, and said that perhaps she was inspired by Swan Lake. Well done, Naima! She picks Lluvy and Christina to share her prize. Michelle grimaces and looks like Chucky.
Michelle says that, after the challenge, she realized that her face disease was spreading. She cries about it to the girls in the van, and they all finally pay her some attention. Tiffany says, "Lemme see?" And Michelle says, "No. I look horrible." And she has a point. And if I had that shit on my face, I would also be freaking out. But I would be freaking out in a doctor's office, because I am an adult who can handle my business, which may or may not include weeping sores on my visage. Meanwhile, Naima, Christina, and Lluvy go to meet Lauren Scherr, designer. And the girls are going to custom-make their own handbag. In Lauren's kitchen. Which is also her studio. And I didn't know that haute couture involved choosing which colorful fringe and other instruments of bedazzlement the designer is going to glue-gun onto your piece. Very fancy, show!
Meanwhile, guess what Michelle's doing? That's right, picking at her face and crying. Noelle tells her mother on the phone that Michelle has flesh-eating bacteria on her face. And I am curious as to how she just came to that conclusion. Noelle's mom gasps and says that flesh-eating bacteria has been all over the news, and that there is a certain strain that is resistant to antibiotics. Noelle says that it looks like Michelle's skin is peeling off. Noelle's mom, that harbinger of well-thought reason says, "Well, I'm just telling you all it's serious. You can get pneumonia and die from the pneumonia." And I am kind of curious as to how the pneumonia plays a part in this whole shebang. Noelle wastes no time in telling the other girls that there is a bacterium that eats skin, and that it's been all over the news and at least one person has died from it. Tiffany starts itching all over and says that she freaked out, because she likes her skin and doesn't want any parasite to eat it. Noelle continues to tell the other girls, who freak out accordingly, particularly Lluvy. Noelle says that it's been all over the news, and that her mom just told her "off the hand." Someone asks if she told her mom about Michelle, and Noelle says, "I told her afterward," which is not entirely true. Or, not true at all. Tiffany asks if Lluvy used the same makeup as Michelle, and Lluvy proceeds to freak out and scratch her skin and jump all over the place. And don't get me wrong, I would be freaking out, too, but I would think that it might enter someone's head to try to find out some actual first-hand information. However, they are dumb, so this is not to be. Commercials.
And for the third week in a row, Naima is the Cover Girl of the Week! She has sass with a lot of class, says Debbie R., who is actually me. Go, Naima!
When we return, the panic continues as Michelle sleeps. Rebecca calls her father, who also knows all about the deadly flesh eaters. Tatiana's mother says, "That stuff that that girl has kills people in probably one of the most disgusting manners." Keenyah tells Christina the news, and Christina's eyes actually pop out of her head for a second as if she were Sandy Duncan. Lluvy says she remembers seeing on 20/20 that there are more germs on a telephone than on a toilet. Cut to Tiffany frantically wiping off the phone. Meanwhile, Michelle sleeps. Keenyah calls her mother to spread the panic and says that the flesh-eating bacteria have moved to Michelle's back and her hips. Which, kind of gross. Tiffany says she kept going into Michelle's room to make sure that her face wasn't falling off onto the pillow. Well that's nice of her. And I have to add that Michelle is sleeping with all the lights on and this crazy commotion all around her. And that some of the girls are totally having giddy slumber-party fun times about all of this, despite their pretense of worry. And you know, the slumber party is always fun until Kelly Taylor tells you how she lost her virginity. Who's laughing now, girls? Who's laughing now?
Brittany says without glee that she doesn't feel too peachy keen, and is worried that Michelle's disease is contagious. Tiffany then calls her grandmother and asks if she's heard anything about the flesh eaters. Her grandma says, "Uh uh." Tiffany double-checks, and grandma once again says, "Uh uh." She then says, "Y'all just need to get a life. Read a book or something." HA! I want to have a coffee klatch featuring Janice, Beverly Johnson, Miss J., and Tiffany's grandmother.
Tyra Mail! "There are eleven of you left, ten more to go, the race is on, be ready to show your true colors at 7:00 AM." The girls enter a studio where Jay Manuel greets them, sporting a deep v-neck. He tells them that they've learned all about the transformative power of makeup, and so today are going to sport moustaches. I think that finally things are starting to go Michelle's way. Then he explains, "Milk moustaches." They're doing "Got Milk?" ads, of which Tyra has done two. But the real kicker is that the girls will have their ethnicities changed. The challenge is "taking on the persona of that other ethnicity while in the photograph, and owning it." And I don't think he's being particularly racially insensitive here, I think he just means that the girls are not supposed to look like they have pounds of makeup and fake hair on, but be as natural-looking as possible, in a totally fake way. And I don't know why I am defending Jay Manuel this episode, but there you go. Christina is going to be East Indian, Tiffany will be Native-American, Brittany will be African-American, Keenyah will be Korean, Kahlen will be Hawaiian, Michelle will be an Eskimo, Naima will be Icelandic Scandinavian, Tatiana will be biracial, Lluvy will be a Swedish milkmaid, Rebecca will be a dark Italian, and Noelle will be traditionally African. And I must add that I think it's kind of funny that several of those cultures are prone to lactose-intolerance.
The girls get made up. Noelle says that she's half-black, so she's excited about being transformed into a proud African woman. Jay tells the girls that there is a third twist, which is that they'll be posing with three-year-old children of the ethnicities that they'll represent. Noelle loves kids, but being with them is reminding her of the son she left behind, so she's sad. The kids are totally cute, as kids can be, until they start crying or throwing up or whatever they do. Rebecca interviews that she feels really bad for Michelle: "Splotches of her face [are] just peeling off. I know that must be really hard." Uh, yeah. However, Rebecca questions whether Michelle should have such close contact with a little one. Michelle has the same concern, and notes that the other girls reacted and said that she should get it checked out. Which, she should. Mathu the Makeup Artist takes a look at her and says that he must consult someone before working on her. Some other random guy asks if anyone in the house knows voodoo, and whether Michelle has seen any chicken bones lying around. Heh. Danilo -- wearing crazy sunglasses that would put Erik Estrada to shame -- tells Jay that she's bleeding at the top of her head now. Ew. Mathu then says that it could be leprosy. Yes, leprosy. Or maybe she has the clap, or perchance the bubonic plague. Perhaps bleeding her with leeches will clear it up. Jay says that it looks like it might be stress-related, but that he's not a doctor, thank God. So they finally -- FINALLY -- ship Michelle off to the doctor. Michelle interviews that she was nervous about leaving the photo shoot.
Keenyah is first and looks gorgeous while holding her adorable but heavy three-year-old boy, who keeps sliding down her side and occasionally gnashing his teeth. She says that it was very difficult to work with an uncooperative kid. The photographer then high-fives said kid adorably. Naima introduces herself to her blonde counterpart. She interviews that her father is black, Mexican, and Indian, and that her mother is black and Irish, and that it is mind-blowing to be made up like a white woman. However, she says, "It just goes to show you're ultimately defined by who you are, not by this outside." Mathu says that Lluvy has expressive eyes. Lluvy interviews that she's just happy not to be a fish or an alien. She still looks weird, though. The photographer tells us that Lluvy let herself get distracted by the child. Tiffany meets her kid, Jerrick, and says that her baby's name is Chadrick. Rebecca interviews that Tiffany and Noelle may have an advantage in knowing how to hold a child, but that it's also difficult for them because they miss their kids. Noelle goes on some more about her kid and blah blah blah it's so very hard. She tells us that Austin, the kid she posed with, reminded her of Damien. I think Austin's about fifty times cuter, though.
Michelle goes to the dermatologist, Dr. Ronald Moy, who tells her she has impetigo, which is usually caused by bacteria, is easily treatable, and will probably go away fairly quickly. Michelle is relieved. She asks if it's contagious, and the doctor says that it is contagious through contact. Michelle is worried, particularly about those to whom she's slipped date rape drugs for purposes of rubbing her face all over them in an intimate fashion. Sorry, Tiffany! Mathu makes up Brittany, who says she's a black girl with a nose job. And either Brittany just kind of made a racist remark, or she's admitting that she has a nose job. Take your pick. She gets a big 'fro, which seems to suit her. She's also really comfortable with the child. Jay says that Brittany's was the best shoot to date. He points for emphasis as he says it, so we know he means it.
Michelle returns to the shoot and says to the girls, "It'll clear up. It's a bacterial infection or whatever, and they gave me pills and cream and stuff." Her habit of saying "or whatever" and "and stuff" drives me nuts. In an interview, Tatiana admits that the other girls got a little out of hand with the speculation. Biracial Tatiana has giant hair, and poses with the same kid Brittany had. She says that the kid is heavy, and that kids are not her thing. Christina is East Indian, and Jay tells her that she should be regal, not cold. And I think she has the same kid, too. She says that the challenge was to see how they could handle a "live prop," and a heavy one at that. "Those kids are healthy," she says. Jay tells Michelle that they got a baby doll for her. Rebecca complains that Michelle is going to have it easy with "no weight on her baby." And how many times have I heard that one. She interviews that Michelle can be easy, free, and relaxed while the other girls are tense from the effort of holding a forty-pound child. Oh can it, Stick Figure. Rebecca says that she has no upper-body strength, and I can't see how that's Michelle's fault.
Hawaiian Kahlen poses with the world's most beautiful child. I think that they should all be complaining about how the live kids are showing them up more than about the weight issue. Jay says that Kahlen struggled because her child was so heavy, and that you could see it in her face. Tiffany picks up Michelle's baby doll and complains that it is unfair. Mathu, who is making Michelle up, says, "Her face is falling off. Back off." I kind of love Mathu. Tiffany says, "Yeah, but you done put it back on and then some." Mathu says, "Well, maybe she's prettier than you. It's a theory." He then laughs, and Tiffany says, "I'm glad you laughed. Let's be realistic here." And it actually does seem to me that she's being kind of nasty here. ["But...she's not wrong. I don't even think Tiffany is that pretty, but Michelle is a troll and lives under a bridge." -- Wing Chun] ["I was making a joke to make myself laugh. Don't say nothin' to me. If I'd a shut up talking to you, don't say nothin' to me, 'cause I ain't said nothin' else to you, and you don't know me like that to be sitting up here gettin' an attitude over nothing." -- Potes] Michelle poses, and she is in some sort of a fur-lined evening gown. This is not your mother's Nanook of the North. Jay says that the doll is obviously lighter than an actual child, but that it is also non-responsive, which makes posing with it more difficult.
Back at the warehouse, one of Michelle's flesh-eaters reads the Tyra Mail. Tomorrow someone is being sent home. Lluvy says that if she's in the final two again, she'll freak out. Michelle is worried, and says that if she's eliminated because of the skin disorder, she'll be pissed off. She gives another frightening slow-motion look as we cut to commercial. And then, we get Eva's "My Life as a Cover Girl" from last week. I just knew she wasn't doing enough to last a whole season! Ha! But what poor Yoanna's doing couldn't even fill up a thirty-second segment, so I guess Eva has one up on her, at least.
We segue into judging with a Tyra shot in which each half of her face is made up as a different ethnicity. The right half is Martian, and the left is Venusian. She welcomes everyone to panel. Prizes. Judges. Janice looks extra-awesome, and after watching and recapping herE! True Hollywood Story, I can only hope that she will yell "Die, motherfucker" to one of the contestants (or Tyra) at some point this season. The guest judge is Jim Deyonker, producer of all of the girls' photo shoots. And, because I can't resist: Deyonker? I hardly even know 'er! They must have been really hard up for a guest judge this week. Predictably, this week's test has to do with makeup. Tyra says that sometimes you have to look good at a moment's notice, and sometimes you don't have the aid of a mirror. The girls have three minutes to apply a "full fierce night face" without brushes, applicators, or mirrors of any sort. Pandemonium. The girls smear Cover Girl product on their faces.
Brittany is first for judging, and she has gone a bit heavy on the eye makeup. Nigel tells her it's more of a "morning after" look. Yeah, the morning after if you're a smack-addict prostitute. At Brittany's photo of a different ethnicity, Tyra calls Brittany her sistah, and says that it reminds her of a photo of her and her mother. Of course. Flash to the photo, which is similar only because it features a grown woman holding a child. Tyra loves getting her baby photos up there. Tyra actually doesn't say any other nice stuff about the photo, but I think she likes it. Naima's face looks like "a Rand McNally roadmap," according to Janice. And I don't know what that means, but I'm just going to assume that it's brilliant. At her Icelandic photo, Nigel says that Naima's allure is that you can't normally place her ethnicity, so it's hard to switch her. Janice says that Naima is beautiful, but that her picture looks like "a mall photograph." And if you go into the Sears photo studio in a long blonde weave topped off by a beret with a milk moustache, chiffon dress, and a tiny blonde child in your arms, more power to you, my friends.
Rebecca's makeup is a blush-heavy car-wreck. The judges love Rebecca's Italian photo. Tyra says it would have been better if Rebecca had smiled less, but Deyonker thinks she hit a home run. I think it's actually the beautiful little girl that makes this photo, and the fact that Rebecca looks about thirty pounds heavier in it. Tyra says that the photo took her to the edge, which is important. Keenyah comes up wearing an ANTM shirt, and Tyra wonders if she's sending subliminal messages. And I compare that to wearing the shirt that you buy at a concert to the actual concert. It's just kind of cheesy. Keenyah's makeup is non-existent, but her Korean photo is breathtaking. Stupid freaking Flambé (Nolé) says, "Koreatown here we come, girl." Tyra says, "I don't even see a black girl, I see an Asian woman, and that's what this is about, about embodying it from the inside out. You nailed this." And she did. Based on her photos, I kind of think Keenyah should win.
Noelle is . Her photo is good, but she has limited "eye range." Tyra scolds her for wearing flip-flops when she is the shortest girl there. Janice says that she doesn't see "model" in front of her. In fact, she doesn't see anything. But, in all fairness, she might literally not see anything due to a drug-induced haze. Noelle has no edge. She grimaces. Tatiana's biracial photo is so-so. Janice says, "Can I see the close-up on...Cher." Hee! And it is true that Tatiana is kind of sporting Cher's late-'80s hair. Flambé says that her face is dead, and that he doesn't like it at all. Kahlen gets thumbs down on the makeup test, but the judges love her photo. And again, that beautiful little girl with her must get all the credit. Kahlen looks kind of cross-eyed in the photo, I think. Christina's makeup is plain Jane. The judges once again make some comments about her freaky eyes. Janice says that she looks possessed, and guest judge says that she looks like a deer in headlights.
Of Tiffany's Native-American photo, Janice says, "You look like a madam in a brothel." And Janice just looks like Madame. Tyra says that she's not bringing anything from within. I think it looks good, but again, I know nothing. Lluvy is , and Tyra notes that, like Tyra herself, Lluvy is prone to wearing excessive Tammy Faye eyeliner and mascara, and that she would have liked to see her with bright red lips. Janice loves Lluvy's photo. Flambé says that there's no passion or feeling in the face. Nigel says that Lluvy's look is not translating well into pictures. Another victim of the old Ann syndrome, is Lluvy.
And then, Michelle. Tyra and Flambé note that she seems hesitant and lacking in confidence. Tyra tells Michelle to explain to the judges what's going on. Michelle tells them that she has "infatigo" [sic]. Janice says that she never would have known but for Michelle's attitude. Janice then does an awesome impression of a deep-voiced Michelle hulking around and saying, "I am hiding a deep dark secret." Janice tells her to learn how to forget it. Tyra gives Michelle some mild criticism about her Eskimo photo, saying that she could have shown a bit more intensity. Yeah, that's exactly what Michelle needs to be told: to be more intense. Michelle starts crying and says that she agrees that it's a horrible picture, and that she could have done much better. And then, a bit of tender Lifetime movie music cues some wise words from Janice: "I wish you were crying in the picture because you look gorgeous right now. One morning I woke up, and I had a sty in my eye that made me look like an alien from another planet. But I went to work anyway, and I spent the rest of the day posing like that [covers one eye with hand, smiles broadly, waves other arm around]. You know, you've just gotta project happiness no matter what." And in case anybody cares, it was that combination of Janice speech and music that made me bump this episode grade up to A-. Total brilliance. Also, I know my birthday isn't for a while, but I'm putting in an early request for a compilation of Janice sound files. "One morning I woke up, and I had a sty in my eye." You just don't get that everywhere. Tyra dismisses Michelle, and Janice says, "Thanks, honey." I love nice Janice!
The judges deliberate. Janice is bored by Christina's gorgeous Village of the Damned look. Flambé loves Christina's photo. Tiffany has striking features, but it's not enough. Janice says that Brittany's larger-than-life personality will work in her favor. Tyra says, "It worked for Janice," and Janice slyly replies, "Didn't it now. I'm still here." I want that on the compilation, too. Rebecca has potential. Keenyah delivers week after week, and Janice notes that even when they criticize her, "She's sucking it in like SpongeBob SquarePants." And sometimes, like a truly clever joke, the brilliance of Janice takes a moment to get through. Naima has stepped back a bit, and is becoming forgettable. Keenyah is consistently impressive. Janice doesn't think that Noelle is a model when you look at her. Tyra agrees, but thinks that her photo is also one of the strongest. Nigel thinks that Tatiana is cute and interesting, but Janice thinks that she's not cutting it. On Michelle, Nigel says, "Skin problems aside, the girl has big problems." And I want that to be the hidden bonus track on my compilation. Janice says, "I've had bad feet and psoriasis and, you know, pimples on my ass, but I hid it." The guest judge thinks that Lluvy has something, but stupid Flambé says that she looks like a marshmallow with lipstick. That makes no sense and isn't even funny. Shut up, Flambé.
There are eleven girls, but only ten photos. The following girls are still in the running toward becoming America's Top Model: Rebecca, Christina, Tatiana, Tiffany, Kahlen, Naima, Brittany. And then there's a shot of Noelle, Lluvy, and Michelle all standing, and it becomes apparent that they forgot to show Keenyah getting her photograph. And I am tempted to knock the grade back down to a B+, but I am reminded of the Janice/sty/music moment, and all is forgiven. They should put that in every episode. Michelle gets a photo, and some advice to chill the fuck out and be glad she doesn't have herpes on her lips. No, seriously. Tyra actually mentions lip herpes. Will Lluvy and Noelle please step forward? Lluvy has model potential, but takes terrible photos. Noelle doesn't look like a model in person, but has beautiful photos. But in the end, not even the endometriosis can save her, as Lluvy gets a photo. Goodbye, Noelle! She thanks the judges graciously, and hugs the girls. She says that she can either enjoy her experience or piss and moan about the fact that she didn't win, and it's clear she'd rather do the former. She's excited to go home and see her baby, and she wants to provide a better life for him. And with that gracious exit, we end.
Coming up on ANTM: Michelle struggles to stay confident during a "wet and windy" photo shoot, and also struggles to avoid catching herpes of the lip, while Brittany gets all boozed up and sticks her ass out of the window of a moving car.