Previously: Michelle had facial lesions stemming from creepy crawly flesh-eaters on her face, which the doctor diagnosed as impetigo and not so bad after all. Nevertheless, the other girls panicked and lobbied the show's producers to see if they could have her isolated à la John Travolta in the 1976 classic The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. Though it was a good idea, they failed in their mission. Tyra told Lluvy that she had the worst photo in the history of ANTM, but it was the non-modelesque Noelle who was sent back to her bratty miracle baby at last. Ten girls remain!
Los Angeles! A fresh film of smog hangs over the skyline. Tiffany asks Michelle if she has news from her doctor. Michelle says that her impetigo is clearing up and should be gone in a couple of days. Lluvy asks if she's relieved. No, you idiot, she loves the way weeping sores set off her jawline. God. Michelle says that the impetigo is "not as contagious," so the other girls should be safe. Lluvy says, "Now you can rub your head on our pillows." Michelle thinks, "On your dirty pillows, yes." Michelle tells us, yet again, "I have impetigo, like, a bacterial thing, but the fact that my skin is, like, clearing up and everything and it's going away is definitely lifting my spirits." And, like, now she can just worry about, like, her gender ambiguity and borderline personality disorder and everything. For some unknown reason, we then get a few seconds of Keenyah and Brittany rubbing and patting each other in bed. Fully clothed, of course. Lluvy says she is sick of being in the final two. We get a flashback of Tyra telling Lluvy that her pictures suck. She says that she knows she's got to step it up 110%.
Tyra Mail! "Top Models need to have good figures. How bankable are you?" The girls all repeat, "How bankable are you?" in unison. Keenyah then says, "Good figures," while rubbing her fingers together, indicating that she believes money will be involved.
The girls enter an office building in the financial district. Lluvy says that after they read the Tyra Mail, many of the girls believed that they were going to be auctioned off. I bet they'd get a collective $47 on Ebay. Then, in waddles a man who looks suspiciously like Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. He tells the girls in a really weird voice that he has a standard contract agreement that each of them must sign. And I must confess that I knew instantly that this was Tyra's dad. He's just too weird, and she's just too into nepotism. Soon she'll be hiring her brother Carlton to do choreography. Tatiana asks what the contract is for. Uncle Phil tells the girls that there's not much time. Tatiana says she's confused. I bet that happens a lot. Uncle Phil tells everyone to finish. Lluvy says that the girls had to either sign the contract and go into another office, or not sign it and wait outside. Brittany says that all of the girls felt pressured and confused.
“ Tyra then introduces 'a woman that I would not be here today if she were not in existence.' And a woman who clearly important the schooling educational aspect of being articulation. ”
After signing the contracts, the girls are escorted into an office with a giant leather chair. The chair spins around to reveal that an alien predator from the planet Sasquatoniar 9 has come to eat them alive and use their regurgitated bone matter to fuel its ship back home. Oh wait, it's just Tyra. The orange of her office walls offsets the orange of her weave. She welcomes the girls to her company, Bankable Productions, and says that today they are going to learn about the business side of the modeling industry. She says that makeup, walking, and photos are worth nothing without a little business know-how. She then introduces "a woman that I would not be here today if she were not in existence." And a woman who clearly important the schooling educational aspect of being articulation. It is Carolyn London, Tyra's mother. She is wearing a muumuu because she is huge, just like Tyra will one day be or, if you prefer, is now. Carolyn managed Tyra for the first seven years of her career, and so the two of them are, for the fifth time, going to talk to the girls about the business side of modeling. We GET it.
Tyra then introduces the Uncle Phil contract peddler, who is of course her father, Don Banks. Tiffany says, "I knew it!" probably because of how much Uncle Phil resembles Tyra. Tyra then brings in Joe Somebody, a lawyer. I didn't catch his last name, and it's not captioned. Tyra tells the girls that they pretty much signed their lives away with the aforementioned contracts. They are all disgruntled in a good-natured way. Don Banks says in kind of a creepy way that he owns them now, and Tyra goes through some of the legalese of the contract. Don Banks now owns them in perpetuity, which means forever, Tyra explains. The contract also stipulates that the girls must jump five times every time they hear the word "model." And I mean, I know that some legal language can be confusing, but the fact that nobody picked up on this last one shows that they are just plain illiterate. The girls then actually jump on Tyra's command. She laughs. Joe Somebody tells them that every contract is important, and that they shouldn't sign anything if they have doubts. And I ignored this advice when contracting with Television Without Pity, and now Wing Chun owns me in perpetuity and makes me darn her tube socks. So take heed, young recappers! It is a cruel, cruel industry. ["Everybody's got to pay their dues, you big baby." -- Wing Chun] ["If we didn't get kicked off for hitting somebody and you didn't live in Canada, your ass would be tore up right now, because I ain't said shit to you." -- Potes] ["I'm sure, Potes, I'm sure." -- Wing Chun] ["Yeah, you'd better be real sure. You better be real sure." -- Potes] Tatiana stupidly asks if Tyra is going to tear up the contracts, and Joe says that the last line says that the contract is null, void, and unenforceable. Except for the clause about licking Tyra clean every night before bed.
And just when you think the segment is over, it continues. Tyra says that there are plenty of scam artists in the modeling industry and asks if any of them have been approached by people who claim that they can turn them into models for the right price. Tatiana raises her hand and says someone came to her and told her she was gorgeous and should be a model, but really just wanted her cold hard cash. Tatiana clearly believed what he said about her being gorgeous, however, which leads me to think that she lacks dental self-awareness. Rebecca had a similar experience. Tyra says that young girls everywhere should know that if an agency asks for any money up front, it is a scam. Tyra's mom says that top models have to also be top businesswomen. She advises them to surround themselves by experts in many fields, which is just what Tyra has done with the art director of all the ANTM photo shoots. For example. The camera pans to Joe and Tyra's dad. Tyra's mom adds that they also must be mindful that said experts are reputable. The camera then pans back a bit, and Joe and Tyra's dad are suddenly gone. I think maybe she ate them. Tyra talks more about the industry and her success and blah blah blah. She tries to convince the girls that her "realness" is responsible for her success, and tells them that they will be picked apart by the nation and by websites such as this one you're reading right now. Well, good point there. Lluvy says that she's her own toughest critic, and that she knows what she needs to work on. She thinks that being herself will get her through. She is wrong. Rebecca says that there is more to being a model than a pretty face. And with that, the segment is blessedly finally over.
The sun sets. Christina -- who is looking kind of pretty and will (until she does something annoying again) no longer be referred to as a head louse -- says that the stress in the house can tear you down. Tiffany walks by Keenyah, who is applying mascara in the mirror, and flips up her skirt enough to necessitate pixilation. Or, "titillation," as my spell check suggests. Tiffany says that being able to laugh with each other and have a good time is important. Naima straight-irons her Mohawk as Kahlen irons her skirt. Brittany says that she and Tiffany decided that they wanted to get dressed up, go out, and have some fun, along with some of the other girls. Brittany says that she's a crazy person who can go out and get wild without the benefit of alcohol. Or, conversely, with the benefit of alcohol, as we are about to see.
“ 'Becca, what's going on with you? Becca, are you such a freaking loser that you can't have a dang drink?' And the fact that she just drunkenly said 'dang' has made this my favorite impression of the week. ”
The girls head to the Electric Lotus, which appears to be a Japanese restaurant complete with pillows on the floor. They settle in, and some of them begin to order drinks. Brittany interviews that she really wanted to cut loose and have a good time. And you know, sometimes you just want to go out and get wasted, so I don't begrudge Brittany this. However, she then starts slurring and stuff, which is kind of irritating. She says in her drunken slurvoice, "Becca, what's going on with you? Becca, are you such a freaking loser that you can't have a dang drink?" And the fact that she just drunkenly said "dang" has made this my favorite impression of the week. Some of the other girls shoot her looks. Kahlen says that Brittany's drinking bothers her, and that when you start to lose control, you've taken it too far. And as a person who has drunkenly peed on my fair share of front lawns and unsuccessfully attempted to steal a karaoke poster featuring a giant clip-art Cher from the wall of a bowling alley while intoxicated (as fellow recapper Djb drove the getaway car, mind you), I really have no comment. Except that, man, I really wish I had that poster. Brittany then starts in on Lluvy for having three bad photos in four photo shoots, and someone else tells her to stop. Lluvy says that she's her own harshest critic, but that hearing criticism from someone else makes her think more about her flaws. And I bet she's actually talking about panel there.
And then Brittany's dancing on the table. But it's the low Japanese restaurant kind of table and her shoes are already off, which maybe makes it not as bad. Tiffany starts doing a mock white girl dance and her black dress flips up and you can totally see that she's wearing big white underwear. Sexy. Meanwhile, Brittany is still on the table, and chanting, "Go black girl! Go black girl!" Tiffany tries to get Rebecca to dance, and she edges away and says that they don't want to see her dance. Kahlen says that Brittany was being very disrespectful to the restaurant, and was tearing it apart. And I think that's a bit of an overstatement. She's not, like, throwing a TV through the window or throwing up at the table or anything. Keenyah says that "Brittany drank about a bottle of wine...on tequila." What is wine on tequila? It does not sound delicious at all. Anyway, some of the girls think that Brittany went crazy. Kahlen is very upset, because Brittany is not only representing herself, but the whole ANTM gang, and Kahlen doesn't want to be represented as a drunken fool. Frankly, I think that the girls should embrace any and all chemical-related excuses for their generally idiotic behavior. So calm down, there, rat weave. Michelle, Rebecca, Naima, Kahlen, and Lluvy sit on the sidelines looking pouty.
“ Brittany then flings herself over the seat in the van on the ride home, and her private bits must be pixilated. I feel sorry for the editors on this episode for how much Brittany tang they were forced to observe and then obscure for the general viewing audience. ”
Brittany then flings herself over the seat in the van on the ride home, and her private bits must be pixilated. I feel sorry for the editors on this episode for how much Brittany tang they were forced to observe and then obscure for the general viewing audience. They suffer so that we don't have to. Brittany and Tiffany note that Kahlen and Rebecca were sticks in the mud. Brittany is surprised, because Kahlen can sometimes be fun. Brittany makes noises of the wasted. She slurs, and Tiffany yells, and I think they're arguing over who is drunkest. Keenyah says that Brittany is normally very fun and playful, but that when she drinks she gets "really loose" and goes "really far out." We see footage of Brittany pressing her ass against the van window, and I really hope that these girls have some Lysol available. She moons first one lane of traffic, and then goes to the other side of the van and moons the other. Keenyah says that Brittany can be very unprofessional with stuff like that, which could get her eliminated. Dun dun duhhhhh! Commercials.
The day, Brittany snores in bed. And I must note, as several form posters have observed, that Brittany has no fitted sheet on her mattress. She's just, like, sleeping on raw mattress, which seems gross and wrong. Rebecca interviews that she was bothered by the fact that girls were inappropriately clearing away dishes and dancing on the table at the beautiful Electric Lotus restaurant. We see Keenyah wake up on a sheetless bed similar to Brittany's. Are they actually at a youth hostel or something? Rebecca interviews that she loves Brittany, but she's not going to booze it up and ruin her chances to become a top model. Instead, she'll just take ratty pictures. Oops -- spoiler! Brittany lounges on her sheetless bed and says that she's a funny person. Christina laughs that Brittany is even funnier when she's drunk.
Tyra Mail! "Working hard each and every day with no play. Now it's time to party. Be gorgeous at 2:15 PM." The girls jump around and scream. Brittany notes how funny it is that they got this particular Tyra Mail after the night's festivities. The girls get ready, and Christina says that she was nervous and wondered what kind of party starts at 2:15 PM. It is true that early-starting parties only mean passing out by 7:30 PM, which bodes poorly for Brittany. Christina reconsiders a bright green dress, and Michelle looks at her hideous visage in the mirror. Keenyah interviews that they all got dolled up in their best black dresses. They go to a lovely house in Bel-Air, and I don't know why this show keeps trying to resurrect Fresh Prince nostalgia. Jay Manuel meets them and compliments their looks. He explains that Cover Girl is getting a makeover, and that the company is holding a party to unveil their new look and new products. Jay tells them that it's important for them to meet and impress everyone at the party. That is, all four people at the party.
“ I am concerned that, without the benefit of Tips of the Week, Horsey Foreign Model is off somewhere painting circles of Wetslicks on her cheeks and wondering how to replicate an appropriate day to evening look. ”
We enter the house and see walls of Cover Girl stuff. That is some subtle product placement, show. Keenyah is first to enter and is greeted, as all the girls will be, by current Cover Girl model Kiara. I am concerned that, without the benefit of Tips of the Week, Horsey Foreign Model is off somewhere painting circles of Wetslicks on her cheeks and wondering how to replicate an appropriate day to evening look. Christina enters and Michelle -- who has a major slit in her skirt -- follows. Jay tells us that the girls don't know that their challenge for the day is to work the crowd effectively at the party. There are top industry insiders from Elle, Cosmopolitan, and the Cover Girl brand who are secretly judging them. Brittany introduces herself to a few people, and looks positively Amazonian. Jay says that each girl will be judged on confidence and poise (at which we see Brittany bumbling), how the girls work the room and interact with other people (at which we see Tiffany failing and Keenyah succeeding), and how well their beauty truly shines inside and out (at which we see Michelle looking pensive and Brittany bumbling).
Keenyah tells one of the judges that she doesn't like the overly made-up look, but that she can use lots of Cover Girl product and still look natural. Keenyah is a born bullshitter. She interviews that she was focusing on leaving a good impression, and her interview hair is once again atrocious. Michelle says to one of the judges, "I've never been to, like, a big party like this before, so...I've been with my friends and stuff but...that's about it." Oh, the tried and true tale of the wrestler from Podunk. I imagine that the judges find it as tedious as we do. A bunch of judges hover around Naima, and one asks her how she feels to be the center of attention. She says that it humbles her, and the judges all think it's a good answer.
Outside of the party, Brittany explains that there are lots of insiders from "Elle Magazines [sic], Cosmopolitan...oh, no...that's the drink I had." We see footage of Brittany talking about how she wants to try a tasty drink that's being passed around. She grabs one off of a tray and notes that she's double-fisting. And, yeah, that's pretty classy. Lluvy interviews that Brittany is beautiful, but that sometimes her personality is too loud and forceful. Brittany calls for more drinks, and Lluvy says, "This is a modeling competition, not a 'who's the loudest chick' competition." And I think that nearly every competitor in the past four seasons has completed that fill in the blank sentence. "This is a modeling competition, not a best friend competition." "This is a modeling competition, not a niceness competition." "This is a modeling competition, not a 'who can discover the girth of Michelle's she-nis' competition."
One of the judges asks Christina what she thinks of the current Cover Girl spokesmodels. Christina says that she doesn't know a lot of the new girls, and points to Kiara to whom she was just introduced -- as an example. The judge points out her faux pas, and Christina rightly feels like an idiot. Kahlen talks about the product to the judges. Rebecca says that she can see herself alongside of the other Cover Girl spokesmodels. One of the judges -- Anais Lombard from Elle Girl magazine -- says in a French accent that a first impression can be untrustworthy, but that it's very important for a model to be distinctive in some way. Tatiana tells the other judge from Elle that Elle is her favorite magazine. Tiffany interviews that she's nervous and intimidated, so she's looking at the makeup and trying not to interact. Lluvy says that she's always her goofball self, and we see her chatting up a judge who is impressed by Lluvy's luxurious natural lashes. Michelle interviews that she was worried about her skin condition, but that she always tries to find the positive side of things. Yeah, she's a regular Mary Sunshine. Or, Marty Sunshine. On cue, Eva Chen of Elle says that the skin is a model's canvas, and needs to be flawless, particularly for a campaign like Cover Girl.
Jay gathers the girls and tells them that they have been secretly judged, and that the party was their challenge. He prefaces this by saying that Cover Girls are much more than pretty faces. He then gives them their critiques, about a third of which are about how they look. Idiot. Tiffany was uncommunicative. Kahlen had a great look and skin. Naima was too quiet. Keenyah was poised and cool. Christina wasn't paying attention to who she met. Tatiana didn't talk much. Lluvy was very eloquent and knowledgeable about her unique beauty. Rebecca was beautiful with a great body. Brittany was a boozy whore. Michelle didn't look comfortable and her skirt was too short. The winner of the challenge and a friend get to spend a posh night at a fabulous beach hotel. And the winner is Keenyah. She interviews that she was excited, because she hadn't yet won anything. She picks Brittany to go with her, most likely because Brittany will feed underage Keenyah sips of her margarita. Which is as good a reason as any, if you ask me. Tiffany says that she doesn't know if Keenyah is looking for a big sister or what, but that Brittany and Keenyah need to stick together and "get cut together." And since it's Tiffany, I am half-expecting her to whip out a rusty razor blade. But sadly, she does not. Jay tells Brittany to lay off the booze.
Brittany and Keenyah enter their posh room, which seems to have only one bed. Bring on the good times! It also features a tray of delicious desserts and champagne. Fattening them up before the slaughter, eh? I like it. Keenyah flops down on the bed and her skirt flips up to reveal her pixilated butt, yet again. It wouldn't hurt these girls to wear underwear once in a while. Unless it's the bright white Fruit of the Loom brief that Tiffany prefers.
“ Brittany gives Keenyah a coy look and says, 'To breakfast in bed. May there be many more.' When did this show become an episode of The L Word? Oh, right. Last season. ”
Meanwhile, back at the house, the other girls open Tyra Mail. "The competition is getting tougher. Are you running out of gas? Be ready at 6:30 in the morning." Lluvy says, "Who has gas?" Hee! I bet it's Michelle. Tiffany yells, "I hope we ain't gotta push no damn car somewhere!" And...yeah.
At the posh hotel, Keenyah and Brittany open their Tyra Mail to discover that they can show up "fashionably late" to their shoot. They are excited. Brittany and underage Keenyah lift their champagne glasses in a toast. Brittany slurs, "To my very best friend in the house Keenyah! I give her a toast for picking me! Her best friend!" Clink!
Lluvy interviews that she feels close to the others in the house, but that she's also lonely at times. She cries on the phone to her boyfriend that she knows she doesn't have girl--door beauty, and that she just thinks she's weird-looking and different. He tells her that she shouldn't change the way she is. She says that she just wants her puppy, and I don't know if that's a euphemism for something dirty or not. She interviews that she's completely lost and doesn't understand what God has planned for her. Failure to win a reality show, perhaps? Ah, the mysteries of His ways. At the kitchen table, Christina says that they all know that the judges will give harsh critiques, but that you have to brush off the negative comments and know who you are. And that is a certainly a rare portrait of psychological well-being. Rare for this show, I mean. Lluvy interviews that getting positive feedback at the party was helpful. She says again that she needs to work 110% on her pictures, because they are what can get her sent home. Commercials.
And yet again the Cover Girl of the Week is Naima, which is probably akin to a death sentence. Still, go Naima!
The morning, the girls rise. Lluvy asks Kahlen if she's ever woken up and felt like her insides hurt, and sleepy Kahlen simply replies, "No." Kahlen interviews that it was great to see Keenyah and Brittany win the competition, because they hadn't won anything previously. And boo for good sportsmanship. We want to hear the catty bitchery!
We see Keenyah and Brittany get served breakfast in the bed of love they shared the night before. Brittany gives Keenyah a coy look and says, "To breakfast in bed. May there be many more." When did this show become an episode of The L Word? Oh, right. Last season.
Michelle looks hideous and is having difficulty. Jay yells, "Energy! Laugh! Do stuff! Give me something!" in that ineffective way of his. He tells Michelle that she lacked energy, and she seems like she is going to cry. He then interviews that he has to be honest because the girls have to learn from their mistakes, and that they only got one (emphasis on the word "one" as he holds up one finger) shot of Michelle. And if you haven't yet, really watch him when he talks to the camera, because he's truly at his most moronic. Michelle says that she thought she did okay, but that she's worried nonetheless. Naima is , and interviews that, to do her best, she needs to put the competition out of her head and focus on herself and her character. What that has to do with this wet t-shirt contest masquerading as a photo shoot I do not know. Jay tells her that she did a great job and that they have a lot of pictures to choose from.
The wind machine churns as Rebecca poses and looks like The Joker from Batman. Mathu says that she still has "that Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm" thing going on, and that Rebecca is "safe sex." She says that she doesn't know where she stands, and that if her photo isn't good, she could be sent home. Jay tells her to work on her sexuality and be more edgy. Tatiana whores around a tire, which makes Mathu orgasmically scream "Tatiana! Yes!" She interviews that she's interested in cars and gasoline, because she's an amateur mechanic or something in the spare time when she's not homelessly sleeping on the beach. Jay tells her that it was her best shoot, and she is happy. Lluvy is . Jay tells her not to be afraid to act out the role of gas station slut, and Mathu tells her to have energy. All this is happening, mind you, while Q the wardrobe lady is actually tweaking Lluvy's nipple. They can show Lluvy's nipple being tweaked but not the Season 2 orgy? That is such a rip-off. Despite Jay's direction to smile and laugh and not show so much crotch, Lluvy and her tweaked nipples have difficulty. Afterward, Jay asks her if she thinks she's sexy, and Lluvy says that she doesn't, and that any time someone tells her to be sexy she just laughs. Oh, Lluvy is kind of adorable. She hopes that she has a good shot.
Then, some bullfighting music introduces the arrival of Keenyah and Brittany. Tiffany complains to them about how hard the shoot is. Keenyah interviews that other girls were tired and whatnot, but that she and Brittany were rested and relaxed and ready to go. Keenyah does a good job, but goes too fast for Mathu to capture on camera. Jay tells Brittany that she needs to believe her environment and act in it. She interviews that she didn't want to overdo the sex appeal and wind up with XXX poses. Jay says that Brittany reminded him of early Janice Dickinson, and she says that it's her favorite shoot so far and that she's feeling confident. She goofily strolls off with Keenyah, who puts an arm around her.
“ Brittany interviews that she doesn't think Michelle has what it takes to become a top model. Don't be shy saying what you feel, there, Betty Ford. ”
Tyra Mail! Someone's getting eliminated tomorrow. Brittany says that it's going to be one of the hardest judgings so far, particularly for the almost twice-cut Lluvy. Lluvy is nervous. Brittany then interviews that she doesn't think Michelle has what it takes to become a top model. Don't be shy saying what you feel, there, Betty Ford. Michelle is also worried. Commercials.
And then Eva tells us about her experience at Marc Bouwer's show during fashion week. She is impressed by Vivica Fox in the front row, but not by Vivica Fox's hips, which Marc Bouwer would clearly deem three inches too wide.
We are introduced to the judging segment with a photo of Tyra being splashed with water. There are no gas pumps in sight, though she does appear to be wearing leg warmers. At judging, she wears a furry leopard wrap which makes her look a lot like a throw pillow with an orange weave. She tells the girls that tonight brings the fifth cut of the season. She describes the prizes, and introduces the judges. The guest judge for the week is Mathu. She says to the girls, "This week you will be evaluated on how well you sell your most important product. Being what yourself. That's all I'm going to say." The girls give puzzled looks, and I don't know how they could be confused with the crystal clear direction of "being what yourself." They separate, and each gets a little card that says, "Inside this bag you will find all the materials necessary to create the packaging for a perfume that represents who you are as a person and as a model. You will have five minutes to personalize your packaging and one minute to sell to the judges. Begin." So, it's kind of a craft project. The girls hurriedly bedazzle their bottles as wacky music plays in the background.
Each girl then tries to sell her perfume to the judges. Tyra explains that each judge will take on a different character "from around the globe," each representing a consumer who is interested in the various perfumes. Oh, goodness. Why doesn't Tyra learn that this is never a good thing, and that she and the others should just get out of the way and let Janice have at it? Janice plays Babs Firestein from Brooklyn, New York; Nol/ Flamb is Nol Le Pue from France, because much like Tony Danza he cannot envision a character that does not have his same first name; Nigel is Johnny Hott from Chelsea, England; and Mathu is Igor Slutsky from Russia. And, most tragically, Tyra is Precious Tang from the fashion capital of Louisiana. Oh, this is going to be a long segment.