Previously on America's Top Model: Brandy lost her big ol' 'fro but kept her big ol' 'tude and everybody knew it; Rebecca's eyes rolled back in her head and she fainted in the middle of judging, and not because of the usual Janice Dickinson "too many Quaaludes" reasons; and Sarah's lack of confidence (read: complete absence of remotely attractive facial features) got her sent home. Twelve girls remain, and one of them will soon have flesh-eating bacteria. Life is good.
Los Angeles. Cars are everywhere, using up the precious remnants of the world's fossil fuels. Rebecca sits in her bedroom. She explains to us that, at the panel she felt nauseated for a few seconds, and then got fuzzy black and white tunnel vision, and then -- and we once again see the footage -- she fainted backwards. This all happened so quickly that no one had time to yell "timber." She says that she's had vagus nerve problems since she was three, and that her condition is not fatal but can be scary. She says she's going to be okay. Lluvy asks if Rebecca still feels sluggish, and Rebecca says her shoulder hurts. If those other girls had been thinking, one of them totally could have put a stake/stiletto heel won as a challenge prize somewhere underneath Rebecca as she was falling. Rebecca interviews that her condition will not affect her modeling career, and that it's time to move on. And so we do.
The girls yawn. Brittany says that she was almost eliminated due to her sex-kitten vibe, and we see Tyra telling her that her photo looks like a porno cover. This is kind of baffling to me, since as soon as Brittany opens her mouth, it's apparent that she's a big old dork. Brittany wants to show that she has a different look, and does not want to look like someone who does porn, which is understandable.
Brandy is cooking while the other girls make a queue to use the phone. They decide to go from East Coast to West Coast due to time zone differences, and it's all very sensible and reasonable. Then comes Brandy. She says something unintelligible, which is kind of de rigueur for her. But basically, she wants to use the phone and is pissed off that the other girls have formed a line without her. They tell her that they've all been waiting, and she wasn't out there, so she is shit out of luck. Brandy is mad. Tatiana interviews that Brandy started freaking out, and Brittany interviews that she has an attitude problem. We can kind of see these things for ourselves, but thanks for the reinforcement, show. Also, shut up, Brandy. Brittany adds that Tiffany will often try to keep Brandy in check.
Tiffany interviews that Brandy looks up to her, and that Brandy reminds her of the old Tiffany -- the Tiffany who was crazy. And I will give you exactly one guess as to which flashback this narrative produces. Yes, it is a little something known as, "That skank ho poured the beer on my weave." And I think that makes about the seventh flashback this season. Tiffany doesn't want Brandy to become the crazy old Tiffany. We see Tiffany and Brandy talking, and Tiffany talks about a girlfriend of hers who told her that it was better to be alive than to force her family and friends to have to tell people, "She dead, but she whooped everybody's ass." Actually I kind of want that to be my epitaph. Tiffany says she doesn't fight anymore. Or, as she would say, no more. But she was born to fight! She ain't been knocked down yet. Okay, she totally has been knocked down. Tiffany says that she's glad she doesn't have to be hard and fight anymore, and she tells Brandy not to be the old Tiffany, "because that's not the right way to live." Brandy utters a contemplative "Shoot." I think we can all see where this is going.
Morning brings Tyra Mail: "Better be on point because I have no time for nonsense. Be ready at 12:00 PM." The girls give puzzled looks and someone speculates that it's interviews. The girls walk in a building named "The Dancers Studio." Lluvy interviews that standing there was a short little man with a beard and a cane, which was, according to her, "the best thing ever." I wonder about Lluvy. The man introduces himself as Stefan Wenta (pronounced VEN-ta), ballet instructor. He says he's going to introduce them to their first ballet class. The girls emerge, and it is clear that nothing makes a person look huger than leotards, white tights, and ballet slippers. Tyra, please make a mental note to avoid these. Stefan says that the girls are going to learn how to use their bodies as instruments of expression, and that very good models must be form-conscious and know at any given moment how they look. We get a shot of Naima, who we remember from the casting special has ballet training. The girls do some poses. We then hear some vaudevillian music as Stefan corrects each of the girls on their form by hitting them with his hand and cane. HIT HARDER! He tells Kahlen that she's stiff and tense, but that's normal. Ah, the human condition from the point of an eastern European ballet instructor. Lluvy interviews, "Let go, please, little man, sir, Stefan, don't come beat me up. I was so scared!" I'm sorry, but there was no way Lluvy was ever in a gang. We see Stefan rap Lluvy on the shoulder, and then say she's lucky he's such a gentleman.
Stefan recognized that Naima had some ballet training. She interviews, "I hope so, I have been dancing for a few years" and laughs. I think they want to make us believe that she's the Yaya, but she's totally not. Stefan coaches a stiff-looking Tiffany, telling her that the discipline is good for her and may help her control other things in her life. I think that the show must give each of the guest instructors/photographers a briefing in which "That skank ho poured the beer on my weave" is prominently featured. A serious-looking Tiffany interviews, "I'm not used to controlling my body, my body controls me. So, this is really hard for me." Her body controls her? So, like, she starts walking down the street and just ends up in a completely different section of town because her legs do whatever they want to do? Or is this just supposed to give her license to whoop everybody's ass? "I couldn't help it! I have no control over my punching fists!" The girls leave the ballet studio.
The girls enter the Pacific Dining Car restaurant, and Hideous Christina the Head Louse says that they wanted to have a night out with the girls to let loose. I guess the lesson learned here is to be careful what you wish for, particularly when you're with someone who has had beer poured on her weave repeatedly in flashback. The girls talk about what to order and Tiffany looks uncomfortable. She interviews, "I never been to a nice place like this." Oh my word, a restaurant with waiters! And they don't even ask if you want to Biggie size it when you order! I mean, come on, now. At the table, Tiffany says in no uncertain terms, "I don't get drunk no more. No more. I act like a fool when I get drunk, you know, so I don't drink anymore." Then, in a strange twist of events, Rebecca orders a glass of chardonnay, and Tiffany says, "Same here." See, she can't even control which words come out of her mouth! They form the shape against her will, and then conspire with her vocal chords to do something that she says she no longer does! Funny music plays as Tiffany downs some more wine. Brandy says, "Dag, Tiffany!" And you know when Brandy says, "Dag, [your name here]," you are in trouble. Naima gives a funny look.
Tiffany appears to have a lot of food left on her plate. She starts to go into Phase 3 of a drunken evening (preceded by Phase 1: ordering a drink with the anticipation of being totally in control; and Phase 2: being energetic and funny but not yet embarrassing), the loving drunken ramble. She quotes, "If you get cut before me, if I get cut before you, I want you to go home knowing that you [Kahlen], you [Naima], you [Rebecca], and even you [Michelle -- and who wants to be known as "even you?"] have touched me, have made me think different about a lot of things. I love you. I do." The others look on in amusement. Tiffany then enters into Phase 4: gratuitous divulgence into the hardships of her past. Tiffany spends a lot of her life in Phase 4, I think. "Six months ago, I wouldn't have been here. I've been changed so much."
The morning, the girls load up in their van and go to a restaurant called Il Cielo. They walk in and see one Miss Beverly Johnson, the world's first black supermodel. She introduces herself; some, but not all, of the girls clearly know who she is. We see photos of Beverly, one of which looks like a recent nude one, and is kind of scary if you pause on it for too long. Present-day Beverly has long, straight hair that is parted down the middle, and a face that looks like it's no stranger to Dr. . In short, she is Black Cher. I know she's beautiful and all, but I can't look at her without going, "Oh my God! A black female impersonator doing Cher!" And I really believe that, and am not just mentioning it as a way to get in the fact that I impulsively bought tickets to see Cher's penultimate concert in L.A. I'm coming for you, Mama! Beverly tells us that she was the first African-American to grace the cover of Vogue in August, 1974, which made history. Beverly Johnson is certainly not shy about her accomplishments. Keenyah says that it's empowering to be sitting to a woman who's accomplished so much.
Beverly tells an anecdote about going on a shoot with a verbally abusive photographer for Glamour, and how she was practically in tears. Foreshadowing tugs its ear. Tiffany commiserates, and says that she would have broke down like a baby, or else thrown up in the photographer's soup. She interviews, "Miss Beverly Johnson's really an inspiration to me. And I think she looks like me a little bit." It appears that the editors have chosen to downplay Tiffany's retinitis pigmentosa. Brandy then proves that there is such a thing as a stupid question by asking, "What kind of attitude should you have?" As if Beverly Johnson is going to say, "You should be a complete and total asshole." Idiot. Brandy says that she wouldn't say she has a bad attitude (at this the other girls give each other glances that say, "she is so full of shit"), but that sometimes she gets to the point where she wants to tell people off. Beverly says that in the modeling industry, there are photographers and editors and stylists who are very temperamental (read: gay), so one shouldn't take anything personally. Lluvy interviews that Beverly answered all of the girls' questions and was amazing. Beverly bids the girls adieu, and goes to watch the video of her tearful and heartfelt eulogy for Black Sonny.
Tyra Mail! "You are in control of your own destiny. Be ready at 1:00." The girls talk once again about how they can never guess what the Tyra Mails mean. We see a tennis court with a photographer and a few assistants. Michelle notes that The Dowager Jay Manuel was nowhere to be seen. And I think we all know that this is too good to be true. Cut to a shot of Jay watching a small television. He voices over (undoubtedly because he kept flubbing his lines on camera) that what the girls don't know is that this is a challenge, and that he's going to be watching them to see who can handle extreme pressure. Photographer Alex Reznick tells us that he was instructed to tear the girls to shreds. And I have to say: nice. Jay -- using the theatrical acumen he picked up during the Cover Girl Tip of the Week years -- tells us that the situation is realistic, and that sometimes the photographer is a jerk and the clients hate you. All you have control over, he says, is how well you do: "Prove to them [hand motion pointing behind him]...that you're [hand motion pointing at us] the star." Sigh. He's such an idiot that I'm almost growing bored of mocking him.
The photographer tells the girls that they'll be doing a tennis-oriented action shoot for a local fitness magazine, and that time is limited, so they have to be ready to go. Kahlen is first, and she explains that the allotted five minutes was not enough to wrangle her rat's nest of a weave, so by the time she got to the court she was already frustrated. Alex tells her to incorporate the ballet movements learned yesterday, and shows Kahlen her mark. She is confused about where her body should be, and Alex looks at her as if she's an idiot. Kahlen looks downtrodden, de-engergized, and moody. Alex harshly gives her some instructions, and then yells at her. She goes into the holding room and cries that she doesn't understand why a person would be so rude and mean to anyone. It's called life, Turnip Truck.
Tatiana is and gets the same treatment. Alex has a real knack for making morons look even more moronic. Tatiana interviews that it feels like her confidence has been thrown out of a moving car and run over a couple of times. That is a Dan Rather metaphor if I've ever heard one. Noelle says that she wanted to slap Alex upside his half-balding head. Naima says that Alex got more neurotic as the shoot progressed, and that she had to laugh at him. Jay says that Naima did a good job keeping cool on the surface. Alex calls Michelle graceless, and Jay notes that she started crying as she left the shoot. In the holding room, Michelle notes that, as models they are all going to have to deal with assholes. Which, again, is not so much different than actual life. Jay says that Keenyah held her composure pretty well. And then, it is the turn of Hideous Christina the Head Louse. And while I will grant you that she has looked nice in some of her photos, her pulled back hair and tennis outfit totally make her look like Skeletor, The Head Louse. Or, Karen Carpenter. Alex tells her to loosen up her lips. That would be possible if only she had lips. He then gives his best line of the shoot: he talks into a little tape recorder and says, "Note to self: do not print this roll, please." HA!
Tatiana interviews that the girls knew Tiffany was coming up , and were hoping that she'd hit Alex in the head with her racket. They look on with anticipation. Alex berates her, and Tiffany interviews that she thought she was going to a regular old shoot, but "this fool keep bothering me." He makes some weird percussive noises and yells, "Dance! Dance! Dance!" She interviews, "He had me doing some dumb-ass jumping move that ain't have nothing to do with tennis." Alex tells her that she's giving him attitude, which is totally a set-up. He then says something about leaving her attitude at home with Grandma. She takes the bait and gets a little lippy. He tells her to leave. In the holding room with the other girls, she laughs about it. She says she wishes so could do it over and laugh at everything he said. Lluvy is , and looks kind of pretty, if not particularly tennis-adept.
Brandy is . She starts out fine by saying, "How do I do my face?" Alex asks what she means. She says that Tyra and Co. always tell her to look fierce. Alex goes "'Fierce'? What is fierce? Is this fierce?," making a hilarious cheek-sucking fish face. He tells Brandy that he wants her to be herself, and comfortable, and happy. He then starts giving her the business, and she starts with the old stink-face. She interviews that her face always belies her emotions. ["I have the same problem, which is why jerks know when I hold them in contempt, and also why I am bad at poker." -- Wing Chun] Alex tells her to look happy when she runs toward the ball, and not like she's coming to kill someone. Jay then says, "Brandy needs to keep the toughness on the inside, but look like a soft, supple model on the outside." And, to smell like cupcakes. That was totally scripted for him. He's an idiot. In the holding room, Brandy says that she's trying to work on her attitude, but that Alex almost got a shoe upside his head. Kahlen notes that there was a general atmosphere of tension from dealing with the stressful shoot.
Brandy tells the other girls that if the judges don't like the picture, the first thing they'll tell her is that she looks mad. She says that the judges already associate her with anger and adds, "But I don't even be angry half the time." Tatiana, who is under the table, pipes in with, "The judges are gonna be like, 'Your hair looks like crap! What is your eye doing? Why is it twitching?'" Brandy says that Tatiana has a habit of making smart remarks, and got on her nerves. Brandy turns to Naima, and says in a still-calm voice, "Is it okay to slap somebody that gets on your nerves?" Naima says, "Brandy, relax." And everything would have been fine and good if Tatiana didn't screech, "SHUT UP!" And though Brandy gets way out of line, I have to say that I find Tatiana a little bratty, too. Brandy starts yelling that she wasn't even talking to Tatiana, and Tatiana interviews that she was taken aback by Brandy's attack. Tatiana tries to get in another word, but Brandy doesn't let her. Brandy then delivers a soliloquy of such fantastic proportions that I can only wish it had been delivered in the style of a Shakespearean aside: "I was making a joke to make myself laugh. Don't say nothin' to me. If I'd a shut up talking to you, don't say nothin' to me, 'cause I ain't said nothin' else to you, and you don't know me like that to be sitting up here gettin' an attitude over nothing." Naima interviews that Brandy is confrontational and will find any excuse to go off on someone. Brandy continues, "If we didn't get kicked off for hitting somebody, your ass would be tore up right now, because I ain't said shit to you." Tatiana with her Chiclet teeth says, "I'm sure, Brandy, I'm sure." Brandy says, "Yeah, you'd better be real sure. You better be real sure." I actually am sure. Dramatic music. Commercials.
And Naima is, for the second consecutive time, Cover Girl of the Week. Go Naima! I must confess that she's my favorite. And America's favorite, too!
For some inexplicable reason, we return to a close-up of tennis balls, and then cut back to the balls sitting in a hopper. Because there's nothing that says anger like neon yellow felt. Brandy is still yelling. She continues on a slight variation of her soliloquy: "And if we could hit people your ass would be tore up right now but because we cain't, then I'm-a sit up in this chair and respect you." Christina looks on, bug-eyed and nervous. Naima tells Brandy that they are in someone else's house. Read: calm it down, Mr. Furious. Brandy says she doesn't even care, and Naima says, "Baby, you should care," as she walks away. See, that is cool under pressure. Tatiana interviews that Brandy has a bad attitude and doesn't belong there. Oh, go chomp on some Freedent, Gummy Gumdrops. I know that Brandy is in the wrong here, but Tatiana still irritates the crap out of me. Brandy looks sullen, and is maybe thinking about how she really just fucked everything up for herself.
The girls all go onto the court, where Jay Manuel greets them and tells them that they've been punked. He laughs that Tiffany looked like she wanted to throttle Alex, but she didn't. "But I wanted to!" she laughs. See, Tiffany actually has a sense of humor about herself. Alex gets to pick the winner, who will get to go to a special dinner with a special mystery guest. Naima is the winner, and she picks Kahlen and Tiffany to accompany her. They get all dressed up and go to the Pig N' Whistle restaurant, and try to guess who their special guest will be. And then into the room walks Serena Williams. The girls are pleased and impressed. And I'm sorry, but if Michelle and Serena ever hooked up it would be a hotbed of backdoor action, because there is nary a girl part between them. Serena speaks, and it is the voice of a pre-op transsexual on estrogen. She gives Naima a signed racket for her victory. Serena hugs Naima and nearly breaks her back, and then moves into a little girly pose. And it is when she does stuff like that and wears really short, tight, girly dresses that Serena Williams is at her manliest. She's an incredible athlete, but the woman would benefit from covering up a little, and also by avoiding anything that looks like it might be sold at the drag queen store.
Serena tells the girls that they are all pretty. Tiffany interviews that at first she didn't think she'd be able to relate to Serena. This is one instance in which you will not be hearing Tiffany say, "And I think she looks a little like me." Serena says that she is a fashion designer and has her own company, Aneres, which is her name spelled backwards. I take a minute to do the letters in my head, but then am astounded by how much Serena Williams looks not only like a drag queen, but a really bad drag queen. She offers to give the girls a few tips. They walk for her, and her commentary on each is basically the same, "Your walk is hot! Good job." At Tiffany's walk, she says in a high-pitched (for her) voice, "I like it! It's sexy! That is sexy!" And if you close your eyes you'd swear it's Dame Edna. Tiffany interviews that it took her a while to loosen up, but she finally did, and that Serena is nothing like she expected. I guess she was expecting a woman. She then interviews that it feels great to be on the show, and that she's learning a whole lot. Serena bids them adieu.
Tyra Mail! Lions roar. Feel in balance? Get ready to soar, tomorrow at 7:00 AM. Michelle says that she's excited because she's been waiting to "get up in the air and do something." And I don't think I want to know what that something is. The girls arrive at their shoot, and Tyra, who is wearing a plus-sized "Sagittarius" shirt, tells them that they are going to be the signs of the zodiac. They clap and squeal. Jay tells them that Mike Li, Hollywood stunt coordinator, is going to harness them and hoist them into the air. Their photographer is Tracy Bayne, who looks like a short-haired Michelle. Tyra tells them that they will also be shooting a calendar. Jay points out the brand-name underwear (found in any Macy's) that they will be sporting for the Warnaco-sponsored calendar.
Mathu the makeup artist jokes with Naima that she is going to look like a balloon-animal when he's finished with her. Brandy questions the person who will be doing her makeup. Tiffany, who will be Cancer, jokes that she'll be a "scramp." Which I guess is a crab. She wonders how she can be a sexy crab. Lluvy is Pisces the fish, and interviews that she thought they were going to give her even bigger fish lips than she already has. Lluvy is really cute in her interviews.
Naima -- who has horns on her head as Capricorn the Goat -- is first. She has some trouble and seems a little dead. Jay says that he thought ballerina Naima would have more grace and movement, but that she's lacking her usual pow. Kahlen is Aries the Ram and looks like a prettier Kelly Preston. She was nervous at first, but eventually found her center. Backstage, Keenyah asks Brandy why they're taking so long to do her hair. She says pissily, "I say he just don't know what to do." She interviews that she was the first one done with makeup, and that the man didn't want to admit that he didn't know what to do with her super-short hair. I'm sorry, but if she can't see that these are all mini-tests on her attitude, I don't know what to say. Noelle is Leo the Lion. She looks very "Disney Stars on Ice." Jay says that she didn't look like a proud lion, and that he, as a Leo, is pissed. Keenyah as Taurus the Bull gives a range of expressions. Brittany as Sagittarius the Archer is thinking, "No sex-kitten face." Jay tells her to think in terms of positive rather than negative. This is seriously the extent of his direction. Brittany does well, and graciously thanks the photographer. Tiffany, as Cancer, thinks that she will have a good shoot despite the fact that she's "a damn crab." She has three quarters of her face covered by red sequins, and is forced to sport giant lobster claws on her hands. That is just ridiculous. Jay says that Tiffany has grown in leaps and bounds from her first shoot, and that she commanded the set. Way to work those claws, girl!
Christina is as my sign, Libra the Scales. I think that's karma for all the mean stuff I say in these recaps. Jay tells her to soften the eyes. Tracy the photographer said that Tatiana gave her what she wanted, and that she's got a beautiful face. She does look kind of good when they make her up and paint on lips. Jay and Tracy demonstrate for Tatiana the pose that they want her to create in two shots as Gemini the Twins. She struggles a bit. Jay tells us, "You've got to trust the harness." Somehow that makes more sense than most things that come out of his mouth. Backstage, Brandy complains to hairdresser Rob Talty about having to wait to get her hair done. Where is Danilo, I wonder? Brandy interviews that she was getting impatient. And seriously, take a nap or something and be glad that you don't have to do any actual work. Rebecca poses as Virgo the Virgin. She looks quite pretty. Jay says that she's very comfortable on the wire, but that he would like her to give more expression. Michelle has a giant pitcher and long wig as Aquarius the Water Bearer. Tracy directs her to think of the water pitcher as her infant, and to cradle it. But not if she lives in Florida! Jay tells Tracy that this was Michelle's best shoot, and Michelle says that it was fun. But not as fun as getting it on with another chick!
And then, poor fucking Lluvy. Lluvy has giant sequins plastered all over her face and is literally tangled in a net. Jay says that Lluvy struggled in the harness and couldn't get the pose that they wanted. She can't move! And did I mention the shit all over her face? Sorry, but the outcome of this shoot is totally not Lluvy's fault.
Backstage, Christina says that she disagrees with the way Brandy threatened Tatiana. Tiffany interviews that everyone is talking about the incident. She tells Tatiana that she has a stink mouth and so does Brandy, and that two stink-mouthed people are bound to get into it. Sometimes I think that recapping this show is making me lose my command of the English language. ["Although the sub-literates on Road to Stardom make this crowd look like the Algonquin Round Table." -- Wing Chun] Tatiana interviews that she doesn't know what Brandy has against her, but that she doesn't even want to try to be Brandy's friend. Tiffany interviews that Brandy is sweet 90% of the time (and I think that might be a bit of overestimation, but I highly doubt that Tiffany is good with numbers) but that Brandy is bound to get an attitude with bitchy girls like Tatiana throwing fire at her. And you can kind of tell by Tatiana's face that she is an undercover bitch. Brandy is last to pose, and Jay tells her that he doesn't need tired. She poses, and he gives her some "direction" to work the harness. He says that he wishes Brandy would take command of the harness and lash out, "kind of like a scorpion would." I wish that a scorpion would lash out on Jay's face and force him to take medical leave.
Brandy interviews that after the Tatiana confrontation, she knows there will be talking behind her back, but that she's there, so "let the games begin." Brandy yells at Tatiana some more backstage. She says that they both apologized to each other yesterday, and that she doesn't like that Tatiana won't stop talking about it behind her back. Tiffany interviews that she intervened because Brandy was in Tatiana's face like she was going to hit her, and she doesn't want Brandy to get kicked off the show. Naima says that they are arguing about something petty, and Tiffany starts yelling that everyone gangs up on Brandy every day. She interviews that Brandy is like her little sister, and that she protects her. Tiffany then yells at the girls, "I'm in the anger management, but I'm not gonna let nobody just keep coming at me with angry-ness." I weep for public education in America. Tiffany interviews that Brandy tends to bring out the old Tiffany. "All y'all bitches evil," says Tiffany as we cut to commercial.
And more of the Life of Eva at New York fashion week. She meets Will Smith, she counts the change in her pocket, she hangs out with J. Alexander, she is photographed, she dances with Toccara. Oh, every week I just hate her a little more. I think that Cover Girl might have overestimated the appeal of these ads.
Meanwhile, back in bitch-land, Tiffany tells Tatiana not to provoke Brandy when she knows that Brandy is angry. Tatiana says that she was just telling what happened like anybody would do. As they walk off the set together, Tiffany tells Brandy not to get in anyone's face. Naima explains to us for the umpteenth time that Tiffany used to be a thug, but she's now very protective and motherly. At home, the girls get some Tyra Mail about the upcoming eliminations. Tiffany interviews that she has a new strategy: "I'm being Tiffany. And either love it or hate me for it." Does this mean she's a bad-ass again? Yeehaw!
We are transitioned into panel by a shot of the thirteenth sign of the zodiac, "Tyra the Alien." Tyra talks about the prizes and introduces the judges, who are Janice Dickinson, Nigel Barker, Flambé (Nolé) Marin, and guest judge Beverly Johnson, who Tyra says is one of her idols. For evaluations, the way that the girls performed with the abusive photographer will be their judging test. Michelle is first, and gets further abuse for her tennis shots, even though the judges ooh at her zodiac shot, which half-wit Flambé calls "sparkadelicious." Naima looks cute in her tennis pics, but the judges are unimpressed with how unapparent her ballet training is in her zodiac shot. Tatiana's tennis pics are so-so, and the judges love her zodiac shot. Tyra tells Brittany that she looks beautiful tonight, even though her face is shinier than a new hubcap. Flambé tells her that her tennis shot lacks grace and poise, but the judges agree that she has gone from porn star to model in her zodiac shot. Brandy approaches the panel with stink-face, which Tyra notes along with Brandy's penchant for throwing attitude. The judges love her pictures once again, but still hate the attitude. Beverly tells Keenyah that her tennis shots should never be seen by anyone, but the judges love her zodiac shot. And I have to say that I think Keenyah is this season's sleeper.
Kahlen's tennis photos stink, and the photographer noticed her lack of confidence. Kahlen says that some of his comments "hit hard on her heart," which is too queer for words. Flambé tells her to get used to it. Her zodiac photo, however, is gorgeous. Christina's mouth, as usual, is cramped in her tennis photo. Janice says that she looks like she's getting ready for Botox injections, and then demonstrates how it's done. Cut to Beverly, herself no stranger to the 'tox. Christina's zodiac photo is soft and pretty, especially in the eyes. Janice tells Noelle to take down her poodle updo, and the judges dislike both sets of photos. The judges grill Tiffany on her reaction to the photographer, and we get the six-months-ago spiel. Her tennis photos elicit an "ouch, ooey" from Janice, but everyone agrees that she worked the crab claws like a pro. And then, poor Lluvy. She gets slammed for being expressionless in her tennis photos, despite her twitchiness in person, and then told she looks like a dead fish in her zodiac shot. We see a close-up, and her makeup in the shot is ridiculous. One of her eyes is surrounded in yellow and the rest of her face is covered in sequin scales. I would like to see Tyra try to look good with that shit on her face. It's ridiculous. The judges hate it. Rebecca is back and strong, and the judges think her Virgo is pedestrian and needs to be more sensual. I actually think she looks really pretty. Janice says, "Tyra, when you're struttin' down the runway doing Victoria's Secret wearing those bat wings, what are you thinkin'?" "I ain't thinkin' I'm no virgin," replies Tyra. But the funniest thing about that exchange was that Janice called the big angel wings "bat wings." Foiled again, Tyra!
The judges deliberate. Beverly thinks that Tatiana has potential. Janice yells that Michelle looks like Jay Leno. Boy, do I love Janice. Keenyah's face is to die for. Rebecca's picture is okay but not great. Lluvy gets panned. Janice says that Flambé could have served it better with a pound of sequins on his face, and he says, "I have." Tyra says that it's one of the worst photos in the history of ANTM. Brittany is awesome and has progressed. Brandy has a strong and exotic face, but is also like "death warmed up" in person. Janice says that Brandy is so angry, but so damned beautiful in the face. I agree with one of those statements. No one is impressed with Naima. Janice says, "No Prancer, no Dancer, no Donder, no Blixen." And I mean, "Blixen." I can only imagine the roofie-induced fairy tales she told to her kids. Beverly doesn't believe that Naima is a ballerina. She then says that Noelle could be hot if she made a transformation. Yeah, into a completely different person. Nigel says Noelle doesn't know how to model at all. Tyra says that Kahlen is an insecure girl with high self-esteem in the making. I think Tyra's dipped into Janice's stash a little, because that makes no sense. Tiffany is striking, and worked the claws. Nigel thinks that Christina's is one of the best pictures of the bunch. Beverly adds, "But, I think it's really important in today's look to have a mouth. If you don't have one by birth, get it." Tyra points at Janice, who is clapping. And now we must officially decree that Beverly is awesome.
There are twelve girls, but only eleven photos in Tyra's hands. Continuing on the journey to become America's Top Model are: Brittany, Keenyah, Michelle, Kahlen, Christina, Rebecca, Tatiana, Naima, Tiffany, and Noelle. Will Lluvy and Brandy please step forward? Brandy, you have a stank attitude. Lluvy, yours is the worst picture ever in existence. But Brandy actually threatened to kick someone's ass, so Lluvy is still in the running. So long, Brandy! Tiffany starts crying. Brandy turns around and walks out without any goodbyes. She says that she doesn't regret anything, and that if they would have taken time to look past what they thought was attitude, they might have seen the real Brandy. She writes Tiffany a note, and says that she will miss Tiffany, who became the big sister she always wanted. As the lights go down in the city, Hamburglar steals Tatiana's wallet. That boy sticks by his peeps, yo.
week: if you thought that flesh-eating bacteria would never become a plot line in a reality show, well, you'd be wrong.