Die, Motherfucker
The credits for the E! True Hollywood Story come on and I realize that it has been years since I have watched an E! True Hollywood Story. But the unfamiliar graphics soon cut to a very familiar glamorous and ever-changing face. The THS voice-over guy says, "Supermodel. Super-sexy. Supercharged. Her name is Janice Dickinson, and she's got one hell of a story." And then, as if to assure us that this is no lie, we cut to Janice saying, "I was never able to go to my father and get a hug without thinking he was going to try to rape me. I'm lucky...that I didn't pick up a gun and blow his fucking head off." I mean...awesome. That sets the bar pretty high for the rest of the hour, but you know that if anyone can top the quotable Janice Dickinson, it is Janice Dickinson herself. As a few other preview bits come up, the words "Damaged," "Driven," "Self-Destructive," "Reconstructed," "In Your Face," appear on the screen. Mr. Voice-Over tells us that Janice runs at full throttle, and that it's one wild ride. And then in a shot that miraculously got by the FCC, we see Janice on the runway in a sheer shirt with her nipples proudly on display. Say what you want, but E! rules, and so does Janice Dickinson. I mean, actual nipples! Let the THS begin!
We begin with clips of Janice that prove how outrageous she is. In one, she is desperate for sex from any available and moderately attractive man. In another, she says, "I'd better behave myself. IM-possible!" In another, she walks to the end of a runway and opens a jacket to reveal the aforementioned nipples, this time blurred out. And in another, she tells a woman that her breasts feel great, and that maybe she'll become a lesbian. Which...I know that she's kind of insane, but in all honesty I wouldn't mind having her on my team. She couldn't be worse than Portia de Rossi, right? In another clip, Janice says she needs an accounting firm to count up all the husbands and A-list actors she's had in her lifetime. Mr. Voice-Over says that one thing Janice is not is over the hill. A very pretty and elegant-looking Janice tells us that she just wrote an article for Harper's Bazaar about how fifty is the new thirty. Pictures of her flash and she looks just like Jane Seymour. Except that she's Dr. Dickinson, Self-Medicated Woman.
Mr. Voice-Over tells us that Janice has been turning heads since the mid-'70s, when she broke the blonde chokehold on the fashion world. As if to prove this, we see Janice in a silver spacesuit yelling "ONE! TWO!" for what looks to be a Japanese commercial. Okay, then. We then see footage of her on a runway, which, in the typical style of THS, we will see over and over again during the hour. And I think it's actually recent footage from a recent show, because she looks a little crazy, and quite possibly between rounds one and two of her plastic surgery. And it's a little sad that I have the kind of useless knowledge that allows me to identify that. But seriously, don't ask me to point to Idaho on a map, because I can't. This is what you get when you grow up as a latchkey kid. Anyway, while most of her counterparts faded from the spotlight, Janice "clung onto fame" with chicken-sized talons. At this, Beverly Johnson tells us that there's nothing Janice wouldn't do or say. Janice's tale is a classic one of sex, drugs, and disco, says Mr. V.O., but her high-wire act didn't come with a safety net. At times I think that Norman Mailer is secretly writing these things.
Some Pulp Fiction-esque surfer music introduces us to the sleepy beach town of Hollywood, Florida, birthplace of Janice Dickinson. We see a shot of a "No Lifeguard on Duty" sign, which is a subtle reference to Janice's first book. Nice work, Norman Mailer! Janice was born on February 17, 1955 (or so she claims). ["Whoa. Janice is older than my mom! And by the way, my mom? Looks better." -- Wing Chun] She just had a birthday! I wish I had known. I would have sent her a bound volume of my recaps with all the mean parts about Tyra highlighted. Janice's sister, Alexis Mayer, tells us that Janice was a wild child from birth. Janice's baby photo is adorable and maybe proves that one actually is born a model. Janice had two sisters, and all three took after their Polish-American mother, who modeled in the 1940s. Their Irish dad, Ray, served as a merchant marine after being kicked out of the Navy for assaulting an officer. Once a violent thug, always a violent thug, as Ray took his beatings home. Janice tells us that her dad was a racist, bigoted bastard, and that when she questioned his hatred of people who were different from him at the dinner table, she'd get whacked. We see a photo of him, and he does look like a nasty sort. Janice's childhood friend, Eric Salter, confirms that her dad was indeed a creep.
As Janice grew older, she realized that her father was a pedophile who was molesting her older sister. Although she knew what was going on, she was too afraid to say anything about it. We see a photo of a gorgeous young Janice, maybe at nine years old. Janice's sister says, "He did things he shouldn't have, and he had no boundaries himself. He also loved us all to distraction." Hmmm. Sometimes I think that this whole therapy and forgiveness thing is hooey. Because "loved us all to distraction" is not an adequate euphemism for "raped us." Alexis says that Janice pushed her father's "violent" button. Janice tells us that he physically abused her for denying him sexually.
Mr. V.O. tells us that Janice found refuge at a local supermarket. And for a split second I wonder where on earth this could lead. He clarifies that fashion magazines opened her eyes to a new world, and Janice says she would sit on the linoleum floor and look at Lauren Hutton in the pages of Vogue. She wanted to be the girl in the photographs, but with less of a tooth gap. And then, in the cheesy style that is the forte of THS, we have random footage of the torso of a man playing an electric guitar. This is to reinforce the fact that Janice discovered rock n' roll at age fourteen in the year 1969. In a complete non-sequitur, Mr. V.O. tells us that Jim Morrison was "in" in 1969, and that much like Jim Morrison, Janice Dickinson experimented with drugs. Yeah, and Jim Morrison also publicly exposed himself and O.D.'ed. Which...okay, Mr. V.O., you have a point. We see footage of random drug paraphernalia, and again I must note that since Michael Powell has been off the job, a LOT is sliding through. Young Janice's drugs of choice were pot, LSD, and Quaaludes. This show is making me want to do drugs, which I'm sure is not its intent. Eric Salter tells us that the suffering in Janice's household was tremendous, which probably influenced her love of illegal substances.
At this time, Janice also discovered boys, and she liked 'em wild. We see a picture of a still pretty innocent-looking Janice with two guys who look like they could be in the Bay City Rollers. Janice's sister says that Janice preferred guys who looked as if they had just walked off of a police sketch. Janice's mom tried to teach her grace and manners, to which Janice replied (while gesticulating wildly), "I don't need grace and manners! Come on!" She adds that her mother always tried to steer her in the right direction. And I might add that behind Janice in the interview stands a giant ceramic Dalmatian that looks like it might have been bought for $175 on an episode of Wheel of Fortune in 1986.
At age sixteen and upon urging from her mother, Janice entered a national modeling competition and made it to the finals in New York City. She says she knew she could win it and work the runway in the manner of her predecessors. Have I mentioned that her hair looks awesome? Janice says that when she won the competition she put on an "Aw gee, shucks, golly" act, but deep inside she felt great. She told her father that she wanted to be a model, and he told her that she would never look that good, be that glamorous, or make it. Tough talk for a man who looks like Robert Blake's retarded younger brother. Janice notes that it was not so great for a young girl's self-esteem to hear those unkind words.
After graduating high school, Janice moved to New York to pursue her career. She says that she would pound on photographers' doors and beg them to take her pictures. But the fashion world rejected her. She says that she had "sloppy ethnic lips" and "sloppy ethnic features" that were antithetical to those of Christie Brinkley and Cheryl Tiegs. She knew that she could model, but she had to convince others. One day she showed up at the prestigious Eileen Ford Modeling Agencies. Monique Pillard -- an enormous Gertrude Stein doppelganger/talent booker -- says that though Janice was not the type that they were looking for at the time, she knew Janice could make it big. However, Janice said that Eileen Ford took one look at her and said, "No. This isn't going to fly," and dismissed her. Janice couldn't believe it and thought to herself as she walked out, "I'll make you eat your words, bitch." Judging from the looks of her, I think that Monique Pillard ate the words before Eileen Ford could get to them.
, Janice signed on as a junior model with the Wilhelmina agency, posing as photographers tested cameras and lights. At this same time, Janice tracked down Ron Levy, an old friend from Florida who was in B.B. King's band. Janice fell in love with him on the spot, and says, "I guess I’m a romantic and love to me is like a leaf falling from a tree, because that's where I clocked my first husband." And it was clearly his musical talent that made Janice fall in love, because this guy is a sweaty, crooked-toothed, hairy reminder of all that was bad about the '70s. However, a few months later, they married. The sex, drugs, and rock n' roll that are part of a band member's day-to-day life did not bode well for the longevity of the relationship, and Janice soon found Ron nailing a backup dancer who also liked hairy, mustached guys. She says that this was obviously not a great thing, and made Ron the second man in her life that couldn't be trusted. She walked out the door and never went back. Ron said that she blew everything out of proportion, and that the woman was just a friend. Well, whores are known to be friendly, now, aren't they?
But twenty-year-old Janice was not down for long, as she soon met with a visiting rep from her agency's Paris office who was scouting for new talent. The rep brought along his girlfriend, a young Lorraine Bracco. I'm guessing this was before she lost that year of her life due to clinical depression, and also before she felt the need to tell us about it in TV commercials. Janice says that, in her book, there was one particularly ebullient photo with, as Janice calls it, an alligator shit-eating grin, that leapt off the page with energy. Lorraine got it and said, "Jackie, I like that girl," in her Brooklyn accent. Janice tries to imitate the accent and totally sounds like she's from England. But they offered Janice a ticket to Paris, and she was high on life for a little while. But do not fret, gentle reader, for soon she'll be high on other things!
In 1975, Janice left Manhattan for Paris. Monique/Gertrude Stein tells us that, more than anything, Janice wanted to succeed and prove to her family that she could make it. When she got to Paris, Janice was awestruck as her cab driver gave her an impromptu tour of some of Paris's greatest sites. She was not shy and tracked down a famous group of photographers dubbed "The French Mafia." She tells us that she tracked them down because they were the rock stars of photography, which she knew because she did her homework. As opposed to certain other folks who don't even know how to pronounce "haute couture." There's lazy half-assed ambition that leads you to be on a reality program, and then there's actual ambition that makes you the world's first supermodel. Soon, Janice landed a pantyhose ad, which gives her a bit of opportunity to show off her well-toned legs. In the ad, she gave the same energetic grin that impressed Lorraine Bracco, and knew it would work. The French got it because they loved anything different. She soon saw herself all over the place, and knew that something big was happening. Over the few months, she appeared on magazine covers across Europe. However, this success couldn't squash her old demons, particularly the voice of her father that was constantly telling her she wasn't good enough. But still she persevered.
Janice returned to America after less than a year in France, ready to take on the Big Apple. Monique says that Janice had incredible talent. I think Monique wanted Janice to be her Alice B. Toklas. And I can see why. Young Janice was totally hot, if completely different-looking than she is today with her artificial face. Photographer Peter Beard calls Janice inventive, creative, and beautiful, and we see commercial footage of her boxing with a kangaroo, doing a handstand, and hanging from a giant coil. Yeah, that's right, I said "hanging from a giant coil." Diane von Furstenberg says that Janice had an emotion when looking at the camera that people received, and that it's not something you can explain. Diane von Furstenberg seems like kind of a bitch. Beverly Johnson says that not a lot of people can come to New York and become instantly famous, but Janice was the "It" girl in no time at all. I love that Beverly Johnson and Janice were friends.
As we freeze on footage of Janice crossing her eyes in a peach headband, Mr. V.O. tells us that the "It" girl had no problem attracting guys. She soon began dating Michael Reinhardt, a prominent forty-year-old photographer. Beverly says that Janice always went with THE hot photographer, which is what you're supposed to do when you're a top model. Oh my God, Tyra and Nigel! Gross! Michael and Janice soon moved in together, but they were both attention-loving whores, which caused a lot of problems. Their tumultuous relationship spilled onto the set, where they would often argue. Janice says that the tension came because each had ideas about how the shoot should go, but that the results were magic. Janice's sister said that Janice was everywhere -- in magazines, on billboards, and on TV. And now we see more footage of the silver spacesuit commercial, which also features Janice hanging from a silver hot air balloon while filming with a prehistoric camcorder. If you didn't see this special, I can't do justice to how awesome it is.
This high level of exposure translated into big bucks and bigger bucks, as is represented visually by a shot of Janice dressed like Alexis Carrington Colby. Janice says she continually demanded well above the going rate for models. Soon she signed on with Ford, the agency that once rejected her. Monique said that it was easy to negotiate top dollar for Janice because she was such a talent. However, along with fame came a serious attitude. Beverly Johnson tells us that when a shoot went longer than she liked, Janice would say, "You got it already" and walk off the set, and then tell Beverly to come with her. All this from the woman who lectures wannabe top models about professionalism! I think deep down it's because she knows that none of them can compete with the bad-assedness of herself, so why even bother. Beverly says that such attitude was unheard of, and that "You don't do those things. You don't do them unless you're Janice."
Mr. V.O. tells us that in 1977, Studio 54 was the ultimate New York hot spot, with Janice as the main attraction. Her sister tells us that when she arrived, "the waters would part, like Moses." And I love Janice, but I have to admit that I never thought I'd actually hear her compared to the man who delivered the Hebrews from the Egyptian yoke. An excitable Janice tells us that at Studio 54, you could hear the bass sounds of Donna Summer, and that she'd get a margarita and cigarette and dance for the five hours. This is a woman who loved the disco years. Janice indulged in wild nights of disco dancing and drugs. She explains to us that squeezing your ass into a size two designer sample is rough: "A little help from my chemical friends got me though." Meanwhile, her relationship with Michael Reinhardt fell apart, and Janice threw herself into more work and more play. A bastardized version of "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang" plays. Beverly says that she always had the best, and Janice quips that she would take three or four of her friends to Key West for the weekend and get "key-wasted." Her more practical sister says that she spent every cent she had on the people around her, and always lived for the moment with no concept of the future. I have a sneaking suspicion that that might have been because she didn't think she'd actually live very long. Janice says that she'd give her friends rent money if they needed it, because she knew what it was like to be broke.
And now we finally get to the "juicy sex bits and beginning of slippery slope downward" segment that we've been waiting for. By 1980, Janice Dickinson was twenty-five, and raised eyebrows everywhere she went. Beverly tells us that the rumor in the industry was that Janice was insane. I think that's more of a fact than a rumor. We see the nipple-laced footage from the show's intro. Having nipples makes you insane? Mr. V.O. tells us that Janice often stepped off a catwalk and into the arms of a famous man. Her friend Edward Tricomi says that Jack Nicholson would come over at 1 AM, fresh from an L.A. flight and sporting an unseasonable tennis outfit. And there's something about that visual -- and the visual of Jack Nicholson having sex with anybody, actually -- that just creeps me out. Other suitors included Hollywood Lothario Warren Beatty. Janice says that he was the hottest actor and she was the hottest model, so it all made sense. In this clearly romantic and tender relationship, they "hooked up at the Carlyle, did the dirty-dirty, and the rest is history." Janice's sister tries to convince us that Warren hit on her when Janice was away, and that he thought he was going to do the "sister-act" with them. I think that Janice's sister just wanted to have at least one good story in the whole thing, and so Janice thought that one up for her.
Later in 1980, Janice met Bruce Willis, then a bartender who liked to play tough guy, physically threatening and chasing other guys who would ogle Janice. Janice says he's tough and daring in life just as he is in the movies. She also calls him "Bruno." Their relationship lasted only a few months, and soon Janice was on the prowl again. Her childhood friend Eric says that Janice was always looking around the corner for the man -- the one who could provide her with even more passion. In fact, it was the passion herself that she was looking for. And now I have fallen into the lurid style of one Norman Mailer. "The more passion the better. But, you know, that in itself is a horrible disease. You can never fulfill yourself doing that." We see photos of Janice in a kimono, and some giant sparkly turban. A giant sparkly turban screams passion! It's what's been missing from my ever so dull life all this time. Janice's motto was to live each moment as if it were her last. Her sister says that all of the men that Janice has been with have fallen for the supermodel image, and that she doesn't know how a person can get beyond that. And I think it's mean that her sister just kind of said that Janice has no redeeming qualities. And I also think it's mean that THS chose now to freeze on a print of Janice in a crazily high-waisted garter belt and white bra with what appears to be an upside-down tiara gracing her forehead. Photo art direction by Jay Manuel, Sr.
In 1981, Janice rocked out at a nightclub with Mick Jagger. She says that she was on the floor dancing with herself (uh oh oh oh) when she saw Mick, who was a good deal shorter than she. But, she says, short doesn't matter when you're hot. Tell it to Emmanuel Lewis! Janice started to do a Mick impression for Mick, big lips and all. She told Mick that she could outdance, outrun, and outsing him. She has an awful good memory for someone who has lost more brain cells than a thirty-time concussion victim. Mick was impressed by her bravado and lack of fawning over his stardom. Soon, he filled up her hotel room with pink roses, which Mr. V.O. calls "a British invasion" and Janice calls "courting me." Janice knew that Mick had a girlfriend, and she also wasn't that into him, but upon advice from her friend, she decided to go out with him for the story of it. But eventually the tables turned, because Janice fell in love with Mick and lost her power. She says, "The minute a woman, like, shows her vein, the guy'll just, like, walk all over it." Too, too true, ladies.
The satisfaction that Janice didn't get from Mick, she could get from the fashion scene. Monique tells us what we have long suspected, that the life of a supermodel is very difficult and exhausting. Janice says that once Monique questioned her schedule and said (in a French accent, of course), "Ooo do you think you are, Superman?" To which Janice replied, "No, honey, I'm Supermodel! And you will refer to me as supermodel." And Monique said, "Zat you vill bee, super mo-del!" And that is how the term came to be. And even after the fine people at the O.E.D. chase back the etymology of this word, you will have to beat this woman down if you claim otherwise. Janice's sister tells us that she was working all the time and couldn't stop, and that she was on the "treadmill to nowhere." Don't all treadmills go nowhere by definition?
At the pinnacle of her career, Janice "developed a nasty cocaine problem." She talks about her cosmopolitan lifestyle and rigorous work schedule and says, "How do you think we kept going those days? Vitamin B shots just didn't cut it. We were taking cocaine." As if to prove the influence of drugs, we see a shot of Janice in a fluffy pink sweater-dress with clown-like embellishments. Janice became a full-blown addict and, after seven years on top, started her inevitable decline. Even Monique found it difficult to book her because she was becoming so unreliable. We see several wasted-looking shots to corroborate this.
"And then...the lights went out." In 1982, Janice was planning to launch an ill-advised singing career at a benefit at Studio 54. We see a wasted, sweaty-faced, short-haired photo of Janice with a microphone, and then a poster publicizing the event. These were not pretty years for Janice, no thanks to the devil's white powdery friend. Edward Tricomi says that Janice was backstage and seemingly doing fine, and then started slurring massively ten minutes later. Janice insisted on going onstage, however, and after garbling a few phrases, she passed out cold. Even her sister says that it was a disaster, and that she was lip-synching badly to her own music. A trendsetter in many ways, was Janice Dickinson. Soon Janice started having hallucinations and was doing enough cocaine to require an intervention. Janice says that on Intervention Day, she was still lit from the night before, and thought everyone was there for a party. But they pointed out her slow downfall filled with missed work and copious negativity, and then said, "Pack your bags, y'all, you're going to a twenty-eight-day stint at St. Mary's!"
At St. Mary's, the Minneapolis rehab establishment, nobody liked Janice or believed her tales of hanging out with Warren Beatty and the Rolling Stones. But eventually she opened up about the true source of her problems -- her troubled childhood. For the first time, she tells us, she was able to tell about her unresolved issues from being abused on a daily basis for sixteen years by a pedophile father. Her voice starts to crack a little when she says this. Stay strong, Janice! Her sister tells us that their father came to rehab to do group work with Janice, and that she started talking about the situations of their childhood. Their father walked out, and Janice fell apart. Janice tearfully tells us that she told him, "It was painful for me growing up in a house of rage and hostility. And that's what drove me and propelled me during those years. For escapism." She continues, "I mean, he split. And when he split I realized...Motherfucker. He can't even sit there and listen to all the shit that he put outo on his little girls." She is making me so sad! I can't even think of any jokes. Janice completed rehab but wasn't clean for long, no thanks to the drugged-up fashion world. She says that she didn't quite bottom out then. Yay, more to look forward to!
By the late 1980s, Janice was tired. "I burned out in France, I burned out in England, I burned out in Germany," she says. "It was time to go to Los Angeles and see what I could do on the magic screen." Something tells me she knows a lot about magic screens. In 1986, thirty-one-year-old Janet made the move and met up with Simon Fields, who produced music videos for Madonna, Prince, Michael Jackson, and other hot acts. Janice says that Simon was different from any man she had ever met because he was funny and extremely good-looking, but had a sense of vision. Beverly Johnson says that Simon was a very straight-laced English kind of guy, and so attracted to his opposite, the coke-loving Janice. The two started dating, and four months later she got pregnant. They wed in an extravaganza of '80s hair that made Janice look a lot like Stephanie Zimbalist. And this means that, at least for a while, Janice was Mrs. Fields. Take a moment to imagine the secret ingredient in those cookies, if you will. Soon, Janice gave birth to a boy, Nathan, who (she says) humbled her and taught her to act like a human being. She put her Hollywood ambitions on hold (which, seeing the later clip of her acting, we all must recognize as a good thing) to be a mom.
In 1989, Janice and two-year-old Nathan flew to North Carolina, where Simon was producing his first feature film -- get ready for it --Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I see what she means about vision. Janice's mom also visited the set, and for some unknown reason brought her dad, who was a very old-looking sixty-seven and suffering from heart disease and early Alzheimer's. Since Janice still hated him, there was tension on the set, which finally erupted when she saw him kick her son. She, in her own words, went apeshit. She said that she would not let her son be abused like she had been, and so she told her mom that she was going to put her dad in a home. She's stopping the cycle of abuse! Unless it involves telling a hopeful young girl that she looks like Jay Leno. She called 911 because her dad was having an attack and hitting everyone. Her mom told Janice to make sure her dad had his heart pills. So they followed the ambulance, and then Janice threw his heart pills out the window. And then in a totally straightforward manner she says, "He was already in custody of the ambulance, but...I still feel like that I should have told them that he had a heart condition, but...when I left him at the hospital I told him, 'Bye bye, I'll see you in the life, because this life you've made it miserable for me. How dare you did [sic] what you did to me and our entire family, and I just...Die, motherfucker. Just die." And I mean, awesome. Janice says that she knew he was lucid, and that she meant every word. That was the last time she saw him, and he died the day. And she maybe kind of killed him.
Janice's sister says that Janice was and is still very unforgiving, and that sometimes you have to move on. She says you can blame your past experiences for the person you are, or you can take responsibility and become the person you want to be. I don't know. In this case I say blame away. Janice says that she didn't attend her father's funeral, and that she has anger issues. Janice clearly does not trust our powers of inference. She admires her sister for being able to forgive her abuser and overcome her issues, but Janice can't forgive him.
Meanwhile, and quite predictably, Janice's marriage to Simon Fields was starting to unravel through no fault of his. Janice was boozing it up and had to go to rehab again. She says she still hadn't come to terms with her unresolved issues from childhood. Simon filed for divorce in 1992, and the two engaged in a bitter custody battle over five-year-old Nathan, in which Simon said Janice was an unfit mother. Which, I mean, I love the woman and all, but he might have a point. They were awarded joint custody, with Janice getting much less time with Nathan. She threw herself back into modeling, and also discovered a talent behind the camera. We see a THS set-up shoot in which Janice photographs a young model against a blue screen. The whole thing looks like what you'd find if you answered one of those sketchy classified ads for "models wanted" that Oprah always told you to stay away from. Beverly says that Janice is talented, and that she was able to commandeer Beverly's own daughter on a shoot, going so far as to call the attitude-laden teenager to "stop being such a B," which Beverly found quite amusing. And I think Beverly's inability to say "bitch" shows us why Janice has her own True Hollywood Story and Beverly doesn't.
By late 1992, Mr. V.O. tells us (hoping that we won't remember it was mere months after she divorced Simon), Janice's heart was on the mend. She hooked up with twenty-six-year-old TV producer Michael Birnbaum, and also "jumped in the ring" with Sylvester Stallone. We get a black and white shot of a bottle of K-Y Jelly, and I wonder exactly where this is going. Then we focus on an EPT stick, and it all becomes clear. Janice was pregnant, and didn't know if Michael or Sly was the father. She says that it was a heavy scene, and she was trippin' out big-time. She finally told Sly that she believed the baby was his, and though he had doubts, Sly ended his five-year relationship with model Jennifer Flavin to be with Janice. That's right. A five-year relationship, during which he may have gotten another woman pregnant. Weep no tears for Sylvester Stallone, my friends. Beverly tells us that Sly claimed he would stay with Janice no matter whose baby it was. Beverly thought that it was difficult for Janice to accept such an outpouring of love and stability. Well, that's because he was lying. Janice says that tabloid reporters were going through her trash pulling out Tampax and beer bottles, which she found invasive, perchance because a person generally shouldn't use either of those things while pregnant. ["Plus, flush your Tampax down the toilet like a normal person! (Don't flush your beer bottles.)" -- Wing Chun] In 1994, Janice gave birth to her daughter Savannah, and looked forward to settling in with Sly. But a month after Savannah was born, Sly had a change of heart and asked for a paternity test, which proved that the baby wasn't his. "I got dumped like a hot potato," says Janice. Janice's sister tells us that Janice desperately wanted to baby to be Sly's because she adored him, and that the two could have really made it. Except for that pesky other guy's baby thing. Sigh. Life.
Dreading another custody battle, Janice chose not to tell Michael Birnbaum that he was Savannah's father, and started hitting the bottle yet again. Around this time, a very wasted and obviously beer-goggled Janice hooked up with Albert Gerston, a pudgy, tan, and bald forty-three-year-old real estate developer and club owner who loved to party. This was clearly not a good scene for Janice. Nevertheless, she married Gerston on Valentine's Day, 1995, and wore a red lace dress and tights that screamed "drug-induced haze." Her sister tells us that the wedding was incredible, and we see the equally hideous red bridesmaid's outfits. I think this is what might be commonly referred to as "bottoming out."
Within a year, the marriage was over. Janice started to focus on her kids. Eric Salter says that Janice has done an amazing job with her kids, and that they have kept her sane, or, he reconsiders, "saner." We then see footage of an adorable Nathan at age eleven or so, saying that most of his friends' moms are quiet and don't say what they think. His mom, however, says what she thinks and is not afraid to put herself on the line. Janice screams, "Yes!," pleased that Nathan has correctly memorized his line. However, Janice was still a big boozer. We see an interview of her in 2002 saying that she finally got sober when it was her time, on July 17, 2000. She called Tony Peck, who suggested that she try a twelve-step program, and she says that her biggest problem was admitting that she had a problem. Two rehabs later and she can't admit she has a problem? Intriguing. Later that year, Janice finally told Michael Birnbaum that he was the father of seven-year-old Savannah. She more or less says that she was a bastard for holding out for so long and then dropping that on him. When Michael and Savannah met, however, Janice says it was extremely touching to notice how alike the two were. She adds that Michael is a much better parent than she is, encouraging Savannah to actually pick up a book once in a while instead of watching TV and eating Fritos all day. She says that they're very close now, and that Savannah is going to change her last name to Birnbaum. Janice says, "I'm like...okay," and gives kind of flabbergasted look which makes it all seem a little sad for her.
And then, a bit of Janice Dickinson trivia! "[Janice Dickinson] once jumped into the lap of a very surprised American president. The commander-in-chief and Janice happily chatted away." Was that president (a) Ronald Reagan, (b) George Bush, or (c) Bill Clinton? I say either (a) or (b), because no way Clinton would have stopped at "happily chatting." In any case, the answer can be found at E! Online.
As we have learned over the past hour, from abuse to addictions, from runway shows to hot lovers, Janice's life read like a pulpy novel. So it was Beverly Johnson who suggested that Janice write an autobiography, which she knew would be beneficial for Janice. Janice says that once she started writing, the emotions and memories poured out. She wrote No Lifeguard on Duty to lift some of that burden of her past, and it made the best-seller list. She also wrote a follow-up, Everything About Me Is Fake, But I'm Perfect, which explored her more recent addiction to plastic surgery. She says plainly, "Can't live without it. There's more Botox in my face than a small country in Micro Indonesia." She continues that everything about her is fake, but that she's perfect because she's happy with who she is, and I kind of like that explanation. We meet her surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, who says that people in the public eye often get cosmetic surgery to prolong their career, because there is a lot of pressure to look good. Janice says, "I'm going to be the best-looking corpse that ever lived," which I love. Beverly says that Janice has a sense of humor about everything, including aging, which is rare for a supermodel.
And then, Dr. Phil. Janice appeared on an episode of his show to talk about plastic surgery. Dr. Phil was not impressed, and thought that Janice was having surgery to cover up how empty she was inside. Janice says, "And I told Phil he might want to try some hair plugs and to get some lipo himself." And if anyone has that tape, I will pay you a million dollars to send it to me. Okay, maybe not a million. But I will pay the postage! Because that is awesome. ["I don't have the tape, but I did see it, and it was awesome. No one tells Dr. Phil to shove it, and they should." -- Wing Chun]
We suddenly cut to Miss Tyra Banks introducing the girls from America's Top Model onto a stage at an undisclosed location. Mr. V.O. tells us that Tyra liked Janice's brutal honesty and so signed her to be a judge on the show. On-air, Mr. V.O. says, Janice went all out, and to prove this we see a clip of her telling Season 3's Ann that her photo sucks. And that is a comparatively mild example of Janice's "brutal honesty." Janice says it's painful that people perceive her as a bitch who likes to cut up young models, but that's not the way she actually is, it's just her role on the show. And color me surprised that Janice gives a flying fig about popular opinion. If you're reading, Janice, we love you! A freaky-looking Tyra (who is wearing no eye makeup, which generally makes her look freaky) interviews that she had no idea that Janice was going to be quite so honest, but that it makes good television. She had to have Janice's back, she says, because "people love to hate Janice." Well, I love to love Janice so shut up, Tyrant.
In a 2004 interview with the New York Times, Janice said that working with Tyra was arduous, and that she didn't agree with many of the concepts or choices on the show. A better-looking but oddly slouched Tyra interviews that everyone has different ideas about what does or does not make a good picture or model. Yes, but the crucial difference is that Janice's ideas are right.
In February 2005, Janice turned 50 with no intention of slowing down. She finally made her feature film debut with a small part as an aging actress in the film Wassup Rockers. We see her playing with a guy's hair in the tub, and she slurs, "Let's make a Mohawk. Woo! I love bubbles." And it is apparent that (a) she can't act for shit, and (b) this film will be tagged with "From the writers of Smells Like Cupcakes." Terrible. In real life, Janice worked at her sobriety and tried to be the best mom possible for her kids. We see her with young Nathan in front of life-sized celebrity cutouts. She asks Nathan if he wants Cindy Crawford. He yells, "Mom, stop!" in that embarrassed kid way. She then finds the Sylvester Stallone cutout and says "Oh my God. Been there, done that." She says she knows she embarrasses her kids because she's loud and obnoxious, but that her heart's in the right place. Except when she's doped up on painkillers. ["And when she she has one too many 'procedures' and ends up with her heart in her esophagus." -- Wing Chun]