As photos of an adorable little black girl in poufy pigtails flash across the screen, we hear a familiar voice say, "My mama thinks I was born to be a top model." As photos of a slightly awkward teenage girl appear, the voice says, "And somehow I got from this..." -- cut to an alien transvestite in a slutty gown and awful red weave working it on the runway -- "...to this." It's Tyra, everyone! More photos and footage of grown-up, supermodel Tyra. Wow, I never suspected she'd begin the season with photos of herself. It's so unlike her. And also, I have seen her Driven episode on MTV, and I know she has much more awkward teenage photos that she could share. "Are top models born or made?" she asks. "You're not born a top model, I could tell you that." Actually, you are telling us that, Tyra. "You have to work for it." We see photos of the last three seasons' winners, and Tyra says that they studied, struggled, and went all out to achieve their dreams. I guess Adrienne's dream was to throw back a few drinks with Mini-Me. Tyra tells us that thousands of girls sent in audition tapes, lobbying for a chance to "go from an unknown to a top model." Or, more accurately, from an unknown to a slightly lesser unknown. We see some faces that will soon become familiar. Tyra tells us that these girls had better work it, starting right now. And with that, a new season of Top Model commences. Yay!
We don't get the usual credits and commercial break, but rather jump right into the action. I would guess that it's because they don't want to spoil who the final fourteen are, except that the final fourteen have been on the UPN web site for weeks. One might say this episode lacks a little suspense. We are in Los Angeles, where the thirty-five semi-finalists arrive, and there is lots of stock footage of planes landing. We are introduced first to Noelle, twenty years old, from Reno, Nevada. She wears a faux shearling coat and tells us that she's "way excited." She says that she's ready to compete against the most gorgeous girls she'll ever see in her life. If she is to set the standard, one might not jump to any conclusions too quickly. The phrase "gorgeous girls" cues Kahlen, twenty, from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, which might or might not be a sign. She looks supermodel-ish until she talks. She says she's a small-town girl who's never been to the crazy city of L.A. is collagen-lipped Brittany, age twenty-two, from Tallahassee, Florida. She says she's wanted to model "since day one" and will do whatever it takes to win.
Then, we are introduced to Brandy, nineteen, from Houston, Texas. She has a giant red 'fro (except for the part directly above her forehead, which is black) and a huge gap in her teeth. All she's missing are the big red shoes and a tiny, tiny car carrying fifty of her friends. Seriously: world's clowniest human. She also speaks as if she has a mild disability. "I'm Braaaaaaandy. This is mah first tahm ridin' a plaaaaaaane." She says that she's tripping, most likely because she's anticipating her upcoming meeting with the estimable Mayor McCheese. is Lluvy (pronounced Yoo-vee), age twenty-one, from Modesto, California. Lluvy was born in Mexico. She also strongly resembles a tall Shelley Duvall, and is either really hideous or really striking. ["I said Illeana Douglas, which...same thing." -- Wing Chun]
And then, the moment we've all been waiting for. It's Tiffany, twenty-one, from Miami, Florida, who is excited to have a second chance. Flashback to Season 3 auditions, and then the infamous bar fight when beer was poured on Tiffany's weave. "That skank ho poured beer on my weave!" says Flashback Tiffany. Present-day Tiffany says that she's come back as a better person, because she knows she has to do well this time. But we like the old, truculent Tiffany! Boo!
Several model-filled vans pull up to The Century Plaza. We catch a glimpse of plus-sized Mary from last season. Noelle confesses to some other girls that she's only 5'8". She does not confess that she resembles a Dunkin' Donuts cashier, because they can see that for themselves. Fat Mary, twenty-two, Portland, Oregon, says, "Well, you know, you don't have to worry about me because I'm plus and they only pick one." OR DO THEY?!? Oops! Spoiler alert! Mary, who is really very pretty ["eh" -- Wing Chun], tells us that when Toccara was chosen over her last season, it nearly ripped her heart out. But she's back for a second chance because she enjoys pain, suffering, and humiliation at the hands of an ever-expanding transvestite alien.
Lindsey, a twentyone-year-old Marie Osmond doppelganger from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, tells us that everyone came together for the first time, where they were able to size up their competition. And speaking of size, then who comes out but my personal nemesis, Fucking Jay Manuel, orange as ever and wearing a deep v-neck. The models applaud him. ARGH. And now, I would like to present an open letter to Ms. Tyra Banks.
Dear Ms. Banks,
Hi, it's Potes. I know I make fun of you a lot, and say that you look like an alien, and will probably make manifold references to the amount of fried foods you have been consuming recently, but all in all I think you're just great. After all, you have given us one of the greatest shows in the history of the world, America's Top Model. And for this, you will always have my respect.
But please, Ms. Banks, for the love of the Lord: please fire Jay Manuel. He is a moron. He is an incompetent boob. He is an ingrown hair on the otherwise finely waxed bikini line that is America's Top Model. If you tweeze him out, we will all be better for it. Please, Ms. Banks. Please. I'll even suffer through more Nol if I have to.
That is all.
Sincerely,
Potes
“ Brittany tells us that she loves big hair and thinks she was a drag queen in a past life. I actually kind of think the same thing of myself (not to mention the fact that Cher is my biological mother), but I stopped telling people that around 1999, when even drag queens themselves realized that they were over. ”
Then we get Kahlen, who looks a little rougher than she did in the opening sequence. J. notes that Kahlen has never seen America's Top Model. She says that she works fifty hours a week and only gets three channels, so she doesn't watch much TV. THE HORRORS! Seriously, that is a worse sob story than anything we're about to encounter. Kahlen tells us that she doesn't know much about "the fashion," which totally reminds me of that time on Freaks and Geeks when Millie asked Lindsay if she was smoking "the pot." The judges ask Kahlen to walk for them, and Ms. J. gives an exaggerated "clutch my pearls" face. Jay says that she's Carmen Kass. I say she's Carmen Sandiego. Do it, Rockapella! Ms. J. says, "That's wind in your hair." They all love her.
is Lindsey/Marie Osmond who, to the surprise of no one, is a Mormon. I mean, come on. The giant teeth give them away every time. Lindsey is an atheist now, which is worse to her mother than if Lindsey were either pregnant or a lesbian. But is it worse than being a pregnant lesbian, I wonder? After leaving the Mormons behind, Lindsey says she changed her ways, started going out more, and started caring about hair and makeup. Maybe she'll tell us what that secret Mormon initiation thingy is all about. After she leaves, Miss J. says, "Love the legs. Love the strut. Needs a haircut." Jay says that her hair looks like a $19.99 wig you'd buy in a store, called "The Nancy." Okay, that was pretty funny. But it does not temper my hatred. They joke that she should have bought the Tyra wig, commonly known as "The RuPaul." is high-foreheaded Jennifer, twenty, from Richmond, California, who didn't have self-confidence as a youngster, but then found God and realized she was the shiznit. That's all we get of her. So I guess she and Marie Osmond can engage in some theological debate on the losers' bus back to the airport.
And then, Brittany. She walks in and yells in a J. Alexander voice, "Hello! How are you fabulous people doing today, because I know that I'm doing very well thank you!" Miss J. asks if she's a Red Bull addict, and she says she's always crazy and off the wall and dying to be the center of attention. Miss J. says, "I ain't mad at you." She tells us that she loves big hair and thinks she was a drag queen in a past life. I actually kind of think the same thing of myself (not to mention the fact that Cher is my biological mother), but I stopped telling people that around 1999, when even drag queens themselves realized that they were over. The Cher bit I still strongly believe and will tell anyone who will listen, in hopes of getting her to come and reclaim me. Please, Mom? I've been waiting so very long. Brittany tells us that maybe she should get a sex change so she can do drag. At least she would actually need a sex change, which is not true of some of the testosterone-laden contestants we shall soon meet. Brittany says that she already has the voice, and then goes, "Hello. I'm manly Stanley," which is pretty funny, especially since she sounds a lot like Bea Arthur. She walks in a bikini, which shows her smokin' bod. Jay says that he'd like to put Brittany and Janice in a room together and shut the door. We see precious footage of Janice grinding on Nol. More Janice! More Janice!
“ Jay says that Tiffany grabbed her problems by the reins, and that he truly believes that she wants to change her life. But, he asks, can she be a model? Um, no. I mean, look at her. ”
In walks Tiffany in some frilly peach number which, we see, is quite the change from her ghetto ensemble of last season. Flashback to Tiffany shedding tears about being sent back to the ghetto, where she learned how to steal and she learned how to fight. In the ghetto. And her mama cried. Tiffany says that she realized she needed to change, and no longer engages in bar brawls. If this is the truth, then why even put her on the show? She says that she took an anger-management class, and that she's now a happy person with a great boyfriend and someone to help take care of her baby. She cries as she tells us how happy she is. She says something about how she sleeps with her baby in a twin-sized bed at home, and then tells us that her grandmother didn't pay the electricity bill so that she could buy a bathing suit for Tiffany's ANTM audition. And her electricity was cut off. And then her roof caved in and she was forced to find another cardboard box in which to make her home. And then she was riddled with head lice. Who banded together to steal all of the cat food she was going to eat for dinner. I mean, I feel bad for poor people too, but come on. Jay says that Tiffany grabbed her problems by the reins, and that he truly believes that she wants to change her life. But, he asks, can she be a model? Um, no. I mean, look at her. And I'm sorry, but if you really want to change your life and better yourself, I don't know that going on a reality show is the best plan. Or a plan at all, for that matter.
Pool party! Girls swim, dance, play truth or dare, fall into bushes, and take off their bikini tops. Lluvy notes that some girls were doing pole dances, which she felt was not the way to go. Hey, it worked for Cassie. Brittany runs around topless and tells us yet again how crazy she is. I have a feeling this is going to get old fast. Rebecca says she felt no need to take off her clothes, and wonders if the wild-acting girls are really like that. She says it should be interesting to see what happens from here on out. Commercials.
The girls prepare for a night out. The 21-and-overs get to go to two of L.A.'s hottest clubs, and the under-21s get a mystery trip. The older girls go to the White Lotus, where they drink and dance. Lluvy says it was especially nice to "get some fresh air." I didn't think there was any fresh air left in L.A. The youngsters end up at their final destination: the bowling alley. Come on, bowling rules! ["I'm well over twenty-one and I'd much rather go bowling, because it totally rules." -- Wing Chun] More footage of Brandy, who is still hideous. The oldies drink it up and dance seductively. "Here's to being twenty-one!" toasts Brittany. Noelle says that the youngsters ended up having a blast, probably because they realized that the drinking and dancing only accentuated the crow's feet around the eyes of the already ancient hags. "Here's to not being as old as Betty White!"
“ Lady Kat crawls on her hands and knees, and licks her own hand, which she says tastes good. Tyra and the Jays laugh nervously, like you laugh when a drunken homeless guy with head lice (read: Tiffany's grandmother) starts talking to you on the street. ”
Back to the panel interviews. Lady Kat enters the room and walks straight toward a wall. Miss J. says, "You walk in here like you're nuts." Ha! He is the greatest. Her proper name is Jessika, and she's twenty-one, from Houston, Texas. Tyra asks why she calls herself "Lady Kat," and she says she has long nails. Okay, then. She asks if they want to see the cat walk. She then crawls on her hands and knees, and licks her own hand, which she says tastes good. Tyra and the Jays laugh nervously, like you laugh when a drunken homeless guy with head lice (read: Tiffany's grandmother) starts talking to you on the street. She says she doesn't know how tall she is, so Tyra stands to her so they can figure it out. Lady Kat touches Tyra and jumps up and down, and if I were Tyra I wouldn't go near her without security. She is a freak.
is Sarah, twenty-one, from Baltimore, Maryland, who tells us that she was always a tomboy. We see a photo of a teenaged Sarah, who sports some kind of a mullet. She says that her older sister always told her she was ugly. Her sister might have been on to something there. She is a self-professed late-bloomer. The judges think she has a great waist, great skin, and a big personality. up is Lluvy, who says she's very nervous, and is wearing a formal black dress. Tyra asks if the dress is hers, and Lluvy says it belongs to her sister. Tyra says she knew it. Oh, great and omniscient Tyra! Please help yourself to another Crisco Surprise to celebrate your wisdom. She sends Lluvy back to change into jeans and a t-shirt (which says "Me So Corny" and is adorable), and Lluvy is thankful. Lluvy says that she was something of a wild child, which culminated in gang membership. She says she was an angry and sad kid with a lot of resentment, and hates to talk about her gang years. Her dad died when she was three, and it was his wish that she be a model, which I think is weird. ["Me too. Did he want her to be a child model, like Jodie Foster was? She was three!" -- Wing Chun] Tyra says that Lluvy is great, and Jay says, "I love..." and you know he wants to say LOO-VEE, but then realizes that it's wrong, so he ends with, "...her." Ass.
And then...oh, Lord. It's Michelle, eighteen, from Terre Haute, Indiana. She tells the judges that she's part of a wrestling federation in Indiana, and we see clips from her video. She has to throw other girls around and whatnot. Miss J. gives her some priceless glances. She says that she likes wrestling a lot, but would sacrifice it all to become a model. She has all the grace and feminine charm of Dick Cheney. Seriously, you guys, that's a dude. ["She is totally No Neck Joe." -- Wing Chun]
“ Tatiana's very determined, and also left high school but plans to get a GED. Wow, plans to get a GED and be on a reality show? Along with kind of a huge ass? That's what I'd call an overachiever! ”
We see a montage of crazy losers. One is Marie Osmond, who says that she's not a virgin anymore. As Miss J. gives her a scandalized look, she says, "You're not either." Heh. We then meet Naima, twenty, from Detroit, who is a ballet dancer. She tells us that her parents are musicians and named her after a John Coltrane composition. Tyra asks her about her Mohawk. We see a photo of Naima looking pimped out with long hair and a fur jacket. She says that she was carrying around a lot of baggage and craziness in her head, and wanted to get rid of it. She thought that she'd shave her head like a monk, and eventually chose the Mohawk so it would center her thoughts. I bet that's why my biological mom, Cher, wore a giant Mohawk headdress to the 1986 Oscars when she was snubbed of a nomination for Mask. And I kind of like Naima, but if I hear the word "HAY-SPAY-TU" come out of her mouth, it's over between us.
In walks Brandy, who Tyra calls her redhead sister from the planet Bozonia. Brandy tells Miss J. that she loves his beautiful hair. He says that her hair is beautiful too, and that it's just natural. She then stuns the panel by telling them that it isn't, in fact, real. Her mom sewed it in. Well, I guess it's better than having head lice. ["...is it?" -- Wing Chun] Miss J. tells Brandy to tell her mom that he isn't mad at her. Well, he should be, because it's awful. Brandy says, "This is Brandy, if you don't like it, you ain't got to like it, but I love it and I like it so that's me." See what I mean about the mildly disabled thing? Brandy is all about competition and winning. "You need a shirt, you shoulda brought your own," she says, and I kind of love that. She walks, and Jay says she looks like she's walking down the grocery aisle and buying canned peaches. Tyra cracks up at canned peaches. When they try to make us like Jay, it only serves to redouble my hate.
is Tatiana, eighteen, from Maui, Hawaii. And I am mad about Tatiana, because she looked so pretty in her photos on the UPN website, but in person is kind of gross, particularly when she opens her mouth. She has a certain "Where'd I put my teeth?" look about her, which is really only appropriate if you're Grampa Simpson. Tatiana says that she heard a commercial for casting on the radio, and spent all of her rent money on a plane ticket. She's very determined, and also left high school but plans to get a GED. Wow, plans to get a GED and be on a reality show? Along with kind of a huge ass? That's what I'd call an overachiever! The judges like her.
“ What they didn't tell Mary was that a second chance to be on the show also meant a second chance at utter devastation. ”
Back to the interviews. In walks Mary. Oh, this is going to end badly. She says that, having a second chance to become America's Top Model, she's not going to hold back her emotions like she did last time. She looks really pretty and stylish and well accessorized. ["She needs a better bra, though. That one really makes her boobs look saggy." -- Wing Chun] Tyra asks how she felt when she was rejected the first time. Mary says that it was horrible, because she had felt alive for the first time and like she was finally doing what she wanted to do. Miss J. looks at her with a blank face because he can't formulate an expression for someone so pathetic. What they didn't tell Mary was that a second chance to be on the show also meant a second chance at utter devastation. But more about that later. On cue, Rachel walks in. She is apparently Mary's plus-sized competition even though she doesn't look big at all. We get no age or hometown. She says that everyone is her competition, from the skinny Minnies to the zaftig Marys. She then says, "Anything I can do, I'll do it. As long as I ain't showing nipple, I'm good to go. My grandparents are dead. I have no one to disgrace." She's gross, but I kind of love her.
is Alexandria, nineteen, from Fort Collins, Colorado. She is wearing a hideously ugly short ruffled skirt, and just as I am about to make fun of how she talks, she says this: "Growing up, they kinda wanted me in Special Ed just because I had a really bad speech impediment." Way to make me feel like an asshole, Alexandria. She says that the short bus was always waiting for her. Tyra tells us that a lot of actors and models and, with special emphasis, musicians, had to ride the short bus to school. That certainly explains American Idol. Alexandria says she wants to do something extraordinary with her life, but has instead decided to audition for this show.
is Christina, twenty-four, from Tallahassee, Florida, who I hate instantly. She has huge scary eyes, a long face, an enormous forehead, and rivals Jay for orangeness-per-pound. She's like the living incarnation of a head louse. Tyra asks if Christina tans, and says, "You're lookin' like my cousin. Lookin' a little Negro over there." Tyra notes Christina's tough exterior, and she is talking about more than her leathery skin. Christina says that she's always been confident and carried herself well. When people meet her, they tend to think she's a snob, but she couldn't give a rat's ass. Additionally, you need prescription shampoo to get rid or her.