Oh, cruel ANTM! All we want is to forget the sordid past and move on to the new crop of fuglies in Season 4. They seem so much more interesting because we can't legitimately hate them yet, but only speculate about why we will soon hate them. But very well. Here is your recap, punks.
America's Top Model is...Eva! Woo! Hee! Oh, remember that blast from the past? It seems like it was just yesterday. And really, it kind of was. Tyra tells us that, in this special edition of Top Model, we'll sit down with America's new cover girl, Eva Pigford, catch up with some familiar faces -- Norelle! Yay! Kelle! Yay! Shandi and Mercedes! The hell? -- and focus on fresh stars -- Toccara! Yay! Ann! Boo! Yaya! BOOOOOOOOOO! If I could make that BOOOOOOOOOO jump off of this screen and kick Yaya in the shin, I would. Tyra tells us that, for the contestants, the goal of being a top model didn't end with elimination. Oh, it will soon enough. They're able to face big changes, tough challenges, and heartbreaking choices in order to live their ultimate dream. Coming up...what the divas are doing now. And I think I might start an online petition against the loose usage of the word "diva." And let's all take note of the manifold lies they're telling us in this special, shall we?
After a commercial break, we are greeted by Tyra Banks, her weave somewhat tame (though still a garish red) as she sits in front of a black background wearing a brown bustier. She is shot from chest up, because she is huge. Give that woman another plate of ribs and I might mistake her for Star Jones. She says that we started with fourteen amazing women (LIE #1!) from every part of the country. Represented were the Big Spple (Kelle), small-town Oklahoma (Cassie), southern California (Norelle), and North Dakota (Nicole). These women also represented every kind of beauty: a sleek athlete (Ann), plus-sized stunner (Toccara), willowy dancer (Yaya -- and I think that must be code for "irritating bitchface"), and ethereal mother (Amanda, and did we mention she's BLIND?). But, Tyra tells us, "it was always the pizzazz and personality of [the] winner, the amazing Eva the Diva, that stood out and made her a star." And there was a time when I liked Eva, but now I'm just sick of her.
Cut to a shot of Annette Bening who, delirious from her second Oscar loss to Hillary Swank, has opted for a face-lift and thirty-six consecutive hours in the tanning booth. Oh, wait, it's just Eva rocking some spiky-ass hair and an unwashed face. Seriously, can someone blot this woman? I am, however, coveting her awesome earrings. Eva relives the final moments of last season, when she and Yaya stood to each other, both anxious and crying. She tells us that when her picture flashed up as the winner, she couldn't even look because she was so scared. LIE #2! The moment was, for her, both unreal and surreal, and rendered her speechless, which was kind of a nice change. All she could do was thank God and think how happy her mama was going to be. And then, for the first time of many in the episode, she does the trademark Eva Laugh, which you can imitate at home by opening your mouth into a really wide smile, closing your eyes, and going "HA HA HA HIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" until your face threatens to crack. Yes, Eva, we know you have an infectious personality. But I've seen your molars one too many times to believe that it's always sincere.
Eva says that she immediately went to the finale party in Los Angeles. Wait, wasn't that, like, months after the final episode aired? Time flies when you're an in demand top model, I guess. Also, LIE #3! Then, she says, she took the red-eye to New York, where she did interviews with radio station KISS FM, CBS'sThe Early Show, and Regis and Kelly. Lots of footage of the Eva Laugh. She tells us that it was "so much..." and then trails off. At first I thought she ended with fun, but she actually ended with nothing. She says that she thought to herself, "Oh my gosh, is this what stars do? Because this is crazy!" And if she thinks that's crazy, she should experience a day in the life of a recapper!
Eva tells us she was most excited to meet the folks at Ford, who will be her "new family." She meets with Neil Hamil of Ford, and some other lowly grunts who have been forced to deal with her. She smiles enchantingly. She gets Polaroids taken for her book, and Neil tells her that she has to keep her wits about her and be very determined. She quickly replies, "And I am." She tells us, "It's so much more than just your face being out there. You're watched now. You're idolized." You're also recruited to be Missy Elliott's bottom, if the rumors are to be believed. And also...I think "idolized" might be overstating it a bit, there, Miss Diva. Cut to footage of two teenage girls -- obviously paid in crack by UPN (it's what they have in the petty cash box) -- running up to Eva and squealing and asking for a photo. She obliges with hugs and whatnot. She says that what you decide to put out there will influence how you are portrayed, and that little girls will pick that up. Her job is to be a positive role model and positive example for those little girls. And a note to all the little girls out there: you can do better.
Which leads to Tyra's favorite bedtime story: the tale of Eva's transformation. Eva says that seeing herself on the show has changed her life and made her realize how she comes across to other people. We get clips of her walking in fiercely at last year's callbacks and of Ann giving her a beating about being mean to Norelle in Tokyo. Eva says she was fortunate to see her behavior, and that it allowed her to check herself and take a different approach (read: saving her infantile behavior for off-camera -- LIE #4!). Her Mama has always told her, "Too much is given, much is required." Her Mama and Tyra's Mama should have lunch. She continues, "So I'm put on this pedestal [LIE #5!], but I have a lot of work to do while I'm up here." She hugs a woman who is almost as large as her delusions of grandeur.
We cut back to Tyra, who is suddenly wearing a pirate shirt made out of doilies. Seriously, what just happened there? It is slipping off of one shoulder, and has the effect of making her look like she is wearing either a straitjacket or a muumuu. She is just too damn wide for my 20" TV. She tells us that, throughout the night we'll be checking in on Eva's journey. Oh, thank you, great and generous Tyra, and please enjoy another slice of lard pie. But now we get a chance to check in with Eva's former competitors. Yay!
First up is Ann, "the tough but vulnerable girl whose rivalry with Eva almost destroyed their friendship." In other words, "the ass-crazy lesbian." We flash back to the casting special, when Ann was still pretty and confident, and she and Eva toast to being the top two. Tyra says that Ann is the perfect example of classic good looks that the camera just couldn't capture, but that Ann never quit. We then see present-day Ann, who is back to being a brunette and looking really pretty. She's still ass-crazy, though. She looks into the camera and addresses Eva: "First Eva, Miss Eva Diva, I am proud of you, and..." She starts to tear up. She says, "We have worked things out, and I just want you to know that I support you in everything you do." LIES #6, 7, and 8! Seriously, if they're such great friends, why doesn't she tell Eva this in person? There is footage of Ann at the finale party, her boobies proudly on display. She and Eva, who seems kind of coked up, look into the camera and announce that they are still friends. Yeah, and so are Portia and Francesca. Nobody's buying it, you two. LIE #9!
Ann says that the whole experience of Top Model was amazing, and blah blah blah, and they are handed so many great things, and Ann is so thankful (LIE #10!). She says that a pool or other body of water is like a second home to her. Does Eva's honey pot count? Elaine Markley -- Ann's mom, who is quite lovely, I may add -- says that Ann's love of sports began with water polo. Ann says that being an athlete gave her the attitude of, "okay, I'm gonna mess you up," and we flash back to her threatening to knock out Jennipher. Man, that was an awesome moment. Ann's mom says that Ann has had to learn to be tough, which has served her well and made her a competitor. But alas, love fells even the bravest of warriors, which is the only explanation for the quivering mess that was Ann whenever Eva was near. Ann says that she thought modeling would be easy, but that it was actually hard. We flash back to Ann's awesome body in her swimsuit, and Kate Dillon (so pretty!) saying that she doesn't think Ann is photogenic, and Tyra replying that she doesn't know what to do with Ann's face and body. We see Broken Shell of Ann from the end of the season. She says that she won't be torn down, and that it's not about failing because she didn't win, but about making it to the fourth-place spot, which was the best that she could do at the time. She's coming across pretty well, I have to say.
Ann says that her hometown of Erie, PA, where we have footage of her walking, is a great town to grow up in, but is too small for her. She charmingly whispers into a little seal statue that she's going to become a real top model. She says that she's moving to New York to pursue a modeling career, and that she was contacted by Elite Models (with whom she now has a contract) and is anxious to see if she likes it. And the show does not tell us that Ann did several shows during New York fashion week, because it's jealous that she's booking more work than Eva. So I am going to go ahead and say LIE #11!
up is Amanda. And while other girls faced obstacles...yes, we know, Amanda is blind. We see present-day Amanda, who still has the platinum blonde hair, but it is mercifully much shorter. She says, "My name's Amanda Swafford. I enjoy long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and snuggling." And I know that she's trying to be cute and mock-cheesy, but in doing so she is actually just cheesy-cheesy which, given what we're about to see, isn't entirely her fault. Cut to footage of Amanda with her son Eli (a.k.a Jah Wolf). She tries to get him to say "I love you." Way to set yourself up for rejection, there, Mom. She tells us that when she first heard about the show, she, Tobias (who we know from other sources, but not this show, is her baby daddy), and Eli were living with her father on the side of a mountain in Hendersonville and doing a whole lot of nothing. She saw a commercial for an open call and thought, "Shoot, I'm not doing anything else." And while that's kind of sad, I sort of love her for saying it.
Amanda tells us that she'd wanted to model ever since she could talk (what one has to do with the other, I do not know), and we see some adorable pictures of her little girl self, with her big blue eyes. She says that in the sixth grade she went through her dorky stage, featuring goofy teeth and big glasses. Cut to Ruby Swafford, Amanda's grandmother. And I am not going to make fun of anyone's grandmother, so please look elsewhere for your amusement. Grandma tells us that when Amanda was fourteen, they went to get her a new prescription for her glasses, and that's when they learned about the retinitis pigmentosa. Amanda's moustached, be-sweatshirted father, Lynn Swafford, says, "When you're fourteen, you're looking forward to driving, and the boys, and moving on with your life and everything. And then hearing that you're going to go blind, you know...that's a pretty heavy sack of rocks to drag around." Grandma says, "She'd go down the hall and to turn into the bathroom, she'd run into the wall." And this is so wrong, but I totally laughed. Writing for this site has put me on the short bus to hell. Flashback of Amanda's big revelation at casting. And wow! Some of the girls who didn't make it into the final fourteen were really, really pretty.
Amanda tells us that she's going to New York to do "the agency thing" and find out who wants her. She pretends that she's going to pack Eli in her suitcase, and he giggles. Amanda tells us, and we see, that when she was leaving for New York, Eli wouldn't say goodbye to her, which hurt her a lot. Oh, the manipulative ways of the two-year-olds! Seriously, they're like evil geniuses. You think that they don't know what they're doing, but they're totally out to burn you and make you feel like a douche. In New York, Amanda wears a floppy brown hat and rides the subway for the first time. They never rode the subway the whole time they filmed the show? That is just wrong. She goes to appointments, and seems to have some semblance of hope. Which is more of a delusion than a lie.
Amanda sits in a park and gets off of a phone call, and tells us that Eli is sick and coughing, which makes her feel like she should be home, because he needs her. Well, not to judge, but he kind of might, which is something she might have thought about before going on the show in the first place. Not that I wouldn't want to get away from my whining brat for a while too, if I had one, but I'm just saying. Amanda says that what's most important to her right now is being with her son, and that she doesn't want to leave him for months on end (AGAIN) just to "maybe make some money, and be in some, you know, magazines and pictures and stuff." Well, if you call the Newport News catalog a magazine, then good for you, honey. Also, LIES #12 and 13! She says she just wants to be happy right now, and what's going to make her happy is being with her son. And I'm sure that nobody in this segment, like, is fronting just because they've finally realized they have no chance at a successful modeling career or anything. I'm sure it's all about the loving of the child. LIE #14! Amanda feeds Eli and tries to get him to say "I love you" again. "I..." says Amanda. "I..." repeats Eli. "Love..." says Amanda. "...[Burp]" says Eli. "That's my boy!" says Amanda. Back in the New York Park of Broken Dreams, Amanda looks in the camera and tells Eli that she's coming home, and that she loves him. She then turns away from the camera and cries some more. Well, that was uplifting. Commercials.
When we return, Tyra notes that, for the first time in Top Model history, there were two African-American women in the final. They were the best of the bunch (LIE #15!), she tries to convince us, with their brains, beauty, incredible photos, and magnetic personalities. Yaya's personality is magnetic in the way that a thirty-five-pound goiter is magnetic. Eva emerged as the winner, of course, but, Tyra tells us, "There was no doubt that the fashion world would find room for Miss Yaya, too." Fucking Yaya.
Yaya blathers on about the tea ceremony, and then says she's always keeping in mind the things that keep her grounded, like being close to home. We meet her dad, Awolowo Johnson, who is considerably less crazy-looking than his spouse. He talks about how he and his wife were always a captive audience for the fashion shows, dances, etc. that Yaya and her siblings would put on. More cute footage of young Yaya. LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! REMEMBER THE UMEBOSHI! We see Yaya dancing, and she says that she wants to do so many things in her life that she doesn't know where to start, but that she's in a great place right now and will embrace it and use it to the fullest. She is very excited about modeling. The show doesn't tell us that she also signed a contract with Ford models. What she needs to do is to walk into something pointy.
Woo! Now on to the real losers! "Kristi" tells us that there was still competition at the finale party -- who looks better, who's lost weight, who's had a photo shoot. "Kristi," with Jennipher at the finale party, jokingly says that they can't believe some of the girls got farther than they did. Well, the rest of us can. "Kristi" says that she learned she's more sensitive than she thought she was, and we see Jay grimacing at her during a photo shoot. There are things the judges said that will stay in her head forever, and we cut to Janice comparing "Kristi's" jaw to that of Carol Burnett. Ha! More Janice! "Kristi" says that she's worked to get that out of her head and not define herself by it, and says that she can't change her chin.
"Kristi" tells us that she, along with Shandi, Catie (who is sporting some dark brown hair), and Mercedes posed as the girls from Sex in the City for In Touch magazine. She was Miranda. And this is all we get to see of the Season 2 girls, sadly. "Kristi" is a directing student at NYU (say hi to Ashley for us, and Mary-Kate too if you happen to pass by the rehab clinic!), where she is directing her second feature, The Taming Of The Shrew. Also known as Suck On An Umeboshi, Yaya. She says that she wants to be able to go to school and model. Tell it to your American flag prom dress, sweets.
And in an instant, we have moved to Jennipher, who appears to have gotten her bottom teeth fixed. Good move. She says that the stress of ANTM was intense, and we see her getting her awful Crystal Gayle hair cut during the makeover episode. She said that was the saddest moment for her, but that "you cope with it." What a loser. She says that when she found out she was going blonde, she "just about crapped," and hated it. Such eloquence for one so young. She reminds us that New York is much different from her hometown of Pocatello, Idaho, which is a small town, and great if you like skiing or hunting, but not so much if you want to be a top model. It's not her type of atmosphere. To emphasize this point, we see buffalo in a field. She says that if she wanted to be low-key, it would be a fun resort town, but that she wants to model and can't live in Idaho. She wishes she were moving somewhere hotter than New York. And that's it from Jennipher. The editors must really hate her, huh?
is lovely Nicole, who we see hamming it up on the red carpet at the finale party. A present-day and still redheaded Nicole tells us that she wanted to prove that North Dakota is a goldmine of potential talent. We see some photos of a pretty, very blonde Nicole, and she looks a lot like Cameron Diaz. She says that in order to be a successful model you have to stand out, which she obviously did not (LIE #21!) when Tyra didn't remember her amongst a group of six people. Oh, goodness. I hope that secretly she knows that she's just too cool to model, and that fake-ass moment wasn't really what deterred her from pursuing it. Nicole says that, since the show ended, she's realized that modeling isn't her forte, and that she's going to focus on acting. If she can impart some personality in her audition, there is more of a chance that she will be successful. More pretty blonde pictures of Nicole. It's wrong that this show tears down perfectly lovely people like Nicole, and builds up the Teflon egos of people like Yaya and Eva.
And now, we must check in again on Eva's journey. Sigh. At the finale party, a reporter showed Eva her Cover Girl spread in People. That is when she knew she had made it. Eva Scream. "I am Cover Girl Eva." Eva Laugh. "HA HA HIEEEEEEEE!" She meets with some folks from Cover Girl. She screams more. Her picture is in between shots of Queen Latifah and Molly Sims. She is excited. She squeals. The Cover Girl staff flatly says, "Welcome Eva" in unison. She squeals. She says quite seriously, "Not only am I America's Top Model...great. But I am a Cover Girl. And that to me is...that's everything." LIE #22! Thank goodness that was brief.
Tyra tells us that competing on ANTM changes all of the girls in profound ways (LIE #23!). For Cassie, that meant going back to her old life with a new attitude. Present-day Cassie tells us that when she goes back to college she's going to have to work, and she's going to try her hardest to get a "real job." LIE #24! Flash back to Cassie saying she's not going back to stripping, and Tyra saying that, if she has anything to do with it, that will be the case. And I'm totally sure she's been a big help with that. Cassie said she promised her mom she wouldn't strip anymore (not to mention Auntie Tyra!), and that she's going to try to honor that promise. Cassie takes us on a tour of the University of Oklahoma campus, which she says is beautiful. She's met some great people and made a life for herself in Oklahoma, which includes a little apartment, a Pomeranian, and her boyfriend C.J. She says that C.J. is her first boyfriend ever, and so there's a major connection there. C.J. kind of looks like Aaron Neville, but younger, skankier, and less mole-ridden. He says that he's like spaghetti and she's like marinara sauce -- they compliment each other really well. Cassie screams, "Ew, carbs!" and runs to the toilet to regurgitate the pea she had for lunch. She says that if it came down to her career vs. C.J., she would choose her career only because C.J. would not let her stop chasing her dream. C.J. says, "Those are my sentiments exactly," and thinks, "plus, those other girls at the Foxy Lady be looking good."
Cassie says that modeling is her dream, and that New York is where it's at. She meets with agents, all of whom measure her and tell her that her hips are too big. She's had a few promising prospects out of eight interviews (LIE #25!), all of whom tell her to come back when she's lost two to three inches off of her hips. She's going to spend the spring semester getting in shape and losing weight. Flashback to her telling Tyra that sometimes she throws up, but doesn't consider herself bulimic since she doesn't do it at every meal. Present-day Cassie tells us that she doesn't now have, nor has she ever had, bulimia (LIES #26 and 27!). She runs every day and is on a low-carb diet, so she's doing things properly to lose weight. We saw how well it worked for Dr. Atkins, after all. Cassie says that she does want to finish her degree, but that modeling is first right now. You can lose inches, she says, but not the dream to become a model. Not until you take that long, sticky-floored journey back to the pole. Commercials.
We return to the obligatory shots of Tyra as a young model. She says that when she first started out, models had to be skinny because that was the idea of beauty that they were supposed to represent. But, she tells us, the industry is changing (LIE #28!) along with the definition of beauty (LIE #29!). I guess that's why I've been hearing so many women talking about how they're struggling to gain those extra ten pounds that will fill them out. Over shots of the lovely Toccara, Tyra tells us that plus-sized models are among the most successful in the business, and "judging by her bigger-than-life personality, Miss Toccara could be the biggest star of all." We get footage of Toccara's irritating casting interview, before we learned that she was actually the coolest. Present-day Toccara tells us that she's America's plus-sized top model. Guess she's been cured of that "I can hang with all the regular models" thing. Toccara, on a photo shoot, says that she's modeling, in New York, and living the life she's always wanted. The shoot is for plus-sized clothing line Ashley Stewart, and it's her first professional modeling job. The clothes are kind of ugly, but she looks good. Toccara jokingly makes comments about being a celebrity, and says that it's okay to be plus-sized and to have a shape, because real women have shapes. The folks at Ashley Stewart rave over Toccara's photos, and she is excited. I love Toccara.
Toccara tells us she was born and raised in Dayton, Ohio, and that going home is a safety net because everyone knows her. As a contrast, Eva likes to go into houses full of total strangers and scare the crap out of them. HA HA HA HIEEEEEEEEEE! We see Toccara's fun family, and learn that she got her personality from her mama. Her mom prances out of the kitchen and says, "It ain't her father." I want Toccara's family to adopt me! People call Toccara's mom and say, "Toni...you cooking?" And if she is, it turns into one big family gathering/feeding frenzy. We see Toni in a housecoat and headwrap, frying bacon. That is awesome. At the kitchen table, Toccara's father says if you want to be full-figured, this is how you get there. Toccara laughs.
But wait a second! I thought Toccara's family paid the weekly rate at the Hotel de Crackhouse! I thought her family sucked in some vague yet horrible way that was never explained! Something strange is going on here. Maybe I don't want Toccara's family to adopt me after all. I am going to call a nebulous LIE #30.
Now Toccara is in L.A., guest starring on All of Us, and, as she says, "getting paid." There's a clip of her on the show and she's kind of bad, but not nearly as bad as Yaya was on Eve. She laughs that this is going to be her new career. Post-taping, she runs out on stage and the audience gives her a big cheer. She tells us that she likes her life. Toni, Toccara's mom, says that she wants the world for Toccara. You can tell that she loves Toccara so much. OR CAN YOU? Toccara tells us to look out, because we'll be seeing a lot more of her. If she keeps eating all that bacon, we will!
is Magdalena. Who? Exactly. Oooh. She is rough-looking, and also twenty-five. She tells us that she went back to school and is finishing up her last year. When she's done, she's pursuing modeling, because that's what she wants to do. She says she was so nervous for the one minute that she was on the show, and that it sucks being the first one eliminated. She says that she doesn't think it will negatively affect her modeling career, and that, if anything, it helps by putting her foot in the door, since people have seen her for "a couple seconds." And on that note, the segment ends. It was exactly forty-six seconds long.
Julie! Oh, I loved her so. She says that little girls come up to her and say that she looks like the girl from ANTM and she says to them, "I get that a lot." Julie jokes that, as the only Indian, she thought had the competition in the bag. She says that she thinks she would have done better if she hadn't told the judges that she wanted to start a manufacturing company. Flashback to Janice grilling her. Lots of people have come up to Julie and told her she was an idiot. She agrees that there is a wrong time and place to be honest. The U.S. government supports that position. She tells us that she's going to finish up her associate arts degree at a community college. Not that there's anything wrong with a community college. Then she's planning to go to New York for an internship at a manufacturing company, and also model on the side. She tells us we haven't seen the last of "Curry Mama." LIE #31, unless they're planning yet another Season 3 special.
And then there's Leah. She has a new, blonde hair with bangs and looks a little bit like Kim Cattrall but with scarier eyes. We see footage of her elimination, and she says that nobody likes to be cut and that it's hard to be critiqued. She was clearly freaked out by the whole process of judging, and the fact that America was watching. She says that she's definitely going to pursue modeling, and a suddenly brown-haired and shaggy-banged Leah goes on her first professional shoot. She's most concerned about her "soccer mom" image, so she's tried to change little things. For example, she's committed to wearing fewer clothes. Someone takes photos of her in underwear. And, of course, the shoot is for FHM. I'm surprised there haven't been more of these, actually. The feature in FHM is on "hometown honeys," which she thinks is great, because she's from Norman, Oklahoma. There's nothing that shows hometown pride like getting oiled up and posing in your skivvies. She's nervous and awkward on the shoot, but her body is awesome. She says that ANTM has definitely changed her, but it's for the good (LIE #32!), and she likes it.
Tyra tells us that there are many paths that you can take to become a model, but that most of them run through New York City, fashion capital of the world! But, she says, moving to New York and leaving behind loved ones can be hard, so it's helpful to have some familiar faces around. Cut to Ann in a really goofy hat. She pulls Leah into the shot, and announces that they're moving to their new apartment in Brooklyn. We see the outside of a slummy-looking house, which is to be theirs. She says it's definitely not the Waldorf. Dude, that's not even the Best Western. It turns out that Ann, Leah, and Jennipher are going to be living together, and that Cassie is coming to visit them. All in a two-bedroom apartment! What fun. Ann says that the roommates are actually all supportive of each other, and want one another to do well. I will add an emphatic "FOR NOW." And then just go ahead and say LIE #33! They show us the things that are broken in their apartment. As they unpack, Leah says that the place has character. Ann says that it has potential for character, and we can see that Ann's mom has come to help her move in. They say that it's a great place while they're starting out, because they don't have a lot of money. They point to the house and say that if anyone wants to book them (or rob them blind!), they live there.
Ugh! More Eva. She grew up with three brothers and a mom and dad who are still happily married. Cute Eva kid pictures. And hey, what is the deal with her family, too? Didn't she have some ambiguous sob story all season? How is everyone's family so much better three months later? She says that living in L.A. was great, since she always saw movie stars and the like. She wants to get into acting in movies and television. Flashback to the Taye Diggs acting challenge. We see the hilarious footage. Eva notes that she said, "illsnesses." "What is 'illsnesses'?" she asks with her giant fake smile. She goes on about this for a bit. Shut up, Eva. We then learn that she was tapped to guest star with Taye on Kevin Hill. Why do none of the white contestants or Kelle get spots on UPN shows? We see a fabulous-looking Eva on the show. She does okay. She gushes about the experience. She and Taye flirt. Damn, but that man is fine. Eva says that she's not intimidated, and that she's had confidence her whole life. That at least is true. We see Eva's mom, Michelle Pigford, who says that she isn't surprised that her daughter is not fearful. She tells us that Eva loves to be the center of attention. Yeah, we figured that one out, mom. Eva kisses Taye Diggs. Bitch! The director of the show tells us that she has incredible presence, and is pretty. She notes that the executive producer of the show was there, and that they loved her, and that she was good. It sounds like she might get a recurring spot. HA HA HA HA HIEEEEEEEE!
Tyra notes that travel is a huge part of the modeling business, and that a top model has to flourish in a foreign country, which is tough. Just ask Norelle. Norelle! YAY! She tells us that she always wanted to be "that beautiful girl in the magazine," but didn't think she could actually do it. But now, she thinks she can. She says she learned that she's a lot more determined and amazing than she gives herself credit for. From anyone else this would be obnoxious, but from Norelle I think it's sweet. She takes us to the Nous agency in L.A., which she just signed with. Kenya Knight, the owner of Nous, says that they love Norelle and her enormous eyes. Honestly, who doesn't? Kenya says that she has the body for swimwear, the height for runway, the look for catalog, and also amazing features for fashion. We see some of the new photos in her book, which look pretty good. Her hair is long again.
Kenya says that she sent Norelle's book to Asia, where she predicts Norelle will do well. Norelle talks about the culture shock she experienced in Tokyo, where she wanted to call the people Tokyans and eat Panda Express. Cut to Norelle's crazy tattoo-covered rock-star mom, Skipper, who says that she could tell when Norelle was having a hard time, and that it was hard to not be able to go and hug her and tell her it would be okay. Skipper quite possible was a lesser-known member of Throwing Muses. Norelle says that walking in heels was her biggest problem. We see footage of her falling at the Heatherette fashion show. Sad times. Kenya notes that that experience didn't seem to faze Norelle, which made Kenya love her even more. Aww, me too! Norelle says that she went through a lot on the show, but now she is sure that she's been put on this earth to be a model. Can staring dead-eyed at nothing and calling it work actually be a calling? Norelle says that she now knows that "Tokyans" is incorrect, and that Panda Express is not Japanese food. She is wise. More Norelle! More Norelle!
Tyra tells us that of all the lessons to be learned on ANTM, the most difficult and valuable is learning how other people see you. More about Eva then? Oh no, it's Kelle. Come on, Kelle turned out to be awesome. Kelle tells us that she grew up in Seagate, the last gated community in New York. It doesn't look that glamorous at all. She confirms this when she says it's just like any other neighborhood. We see flashbacks of Kelle not being black enough. She says that when she saw the footage, she thought that perhaps there was a problem, and that she needed to step back and take some criticism. She says that it was one of the most humbling experiences of her life, and we flash back to her crying in the mirror on the day of "I was in denial about my snout. But now I know." Kelle says that she learned something from the experience, and grew up a few years.
We meet Kelle's mom. She says that Kelle took crap for being a spoiled, rich Oreo. She says that Kelle's worked very hard for everything she has, and hasn't been handed anything. LIE #34! I mean, come on. Kelle says that she's a full-time student at Hunter College, and works full-time for the online art gallery she owns and operates. We see her meeting with an artist and choosing a painting to sell on the site. She says that it's a lot of work, but fun to sell something she's truly passionate about. Kelle tells us that, whenever she has time, she goes around to modeling agencies. An agent tells her that her look would be good in television. She tells us that if she's not high-fashion enough for the agencies, that's fine, and genuinely seems to be at peace with the fact. She then says in her best valley girl voice that she did a shoot for Source magazine, and that the pictures were fantastic. We see the pictures, and she looks a little crazy and kind of like a whore. But "whore-like" is the new "good," so she's excited about them, and feels like she's making progress. Good for you, Kelle!
And now, more about Eva for whom, Tyra tells us, winning ANTM is just the beginning (LIE #35!). Eva is off to an amazing start (LIE #36!). We see Eva backstage at the Marc Bouwer show for fashion week. She does a little kissy-kissy with Marc, and I want to throw up all over his hair plugs. I hate that guy. Eva notes that Ann and Yaya were also there to walk, and that it's a thrill to have them there. LIE #37! The three girls walk the runway, and Ann totally looks the best. Marc Bouwer tells us that there's a new generation of models coming up, and that he's using all the biggest stars. LIE #38! Yaya especially sucks, and she kind of has a sagging chest. Marc says that Eva has great presence and amazing copper skin, which he thought would go well with his copper-colored line. He says that with personality, presence, and a killer bod, you can't go wrong. He totally ripped that quote from the Dalai Lama, I bet.
, Eva shoots her Elle magazine spread, which she says is the first of many. Her dreams have come true. She is sitting in her dream. She can't describe how overwhelming it is to be where you've always wanted to be. It's a dream come true. She cries some fake tears, and I still want her earrings.
Back to Tyra, who is now in a brown halter dress that somehow manages to make her look even larger. Why are her clothes always so ugly? She tells us that Eva is the winner, and is already a huge star (LIE #39!), but that someone else is waiting to share the spotlight. If we think that we have what it takes, she encourages us to go to the UPN website and fill out an application for Season 5. "Make it good," she says, "'Cause I'm gonna be reading it." (And that makes an even LIE #40.) I think I might have had a shot last season if she hadn't gotten rib sauce all over mine.