As photos of an adorable little black girl in poufy pigtails flash across the screen, we hear a familiar voice say, "My mama thinks I was born to be a top model." As photos of a slightly awkward teenage girl appear, the voice says, "And somehow I got from this..." -- cut to an alien transvestite in a slutty gown and awful red weave working it on the runway -- "...to this." It's Tyra, everyone! More photos and footage of grown-up, supermodel Tyra. Wow, I never suspected she'd begin the season with photos of herself. It's so unlike her. And also, I have seen her Driven episode on MTV, and I know she has much more awkward teenage photos that she could share. "Are top models born or made?" she asks. "You're not born a top model, I could tell you that." Actually, you are telling us that, Tyra. "You have to work for it." We see photos of the last three seasons' winners, and Tyra says that they studied, struggled, and went all out to achieve their dreams. I guess Adrienne's dream was to throw back a few drinks with Mini-Me. Tyra tells us that thousands of girls sent in audition tapes, lobbying for a chance to "go from an unknown to a top model." Or, more accurately, from an unknown to a slightly lesser unknown. We see some faces that will soon become familiar. Tyra tells us that these girls had better work it, starting right now. And with that, a new season of Top Model commences. Yay!
We don't get the usual credits and commercial break, but rather jump right into the action. I would guess that it's because they don't want to spoil who the final fourteen are, except that the final fourteen have been on the UPN web site for weeks. One might say this episode lacks a little suspense. We are in Los Angeles, where the thirty-five semi-finalists arrive, and there is lots of stock footage of planes landing. We are introduced first to Noelle, twenty years old, from Reno, Nevada. She wears a faux shearling coat and tells us that she's "way excited." She says that she's ready to compete against the most gorgeous girls she'll ever see in her life. If she is to set the standard, one might not jump to any conclusions too quickly. The phrase "gorgeous girls" cues Kahlen, twenty, from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, which might or might not be a sign. She looks supermodel-ish until she talks. She says she's a small-town girl who's never been to the crazy city of L.A. is collagen-lipped Brittany, age twenty-two, from Tallahassee, Florida. She says she's wanted to model "since day one" and will do whatever it takes to win.
Then, we are introduced to Brandy, nineteen, from Houston, Texas. She has a giant red 'fro (except for the part directly above her forehead, which is black) and a huge gap in her teeth. All she's missing are the big red shoes and a tiny, tiny car carrying fifty of her friends. Seriously: world's clowniest human. She also speaks as if she has a mild disability. "I'm Braaaaaaandy. This is mah first tahm ridin' a plaaaaaaane." She says that she's tripping, most likely because she's anticipating her upcoming meeting with the estimable Mayor McCheese. is Lluvy (pronounced Yoo-vee), age twenty-one, from Modesto, California. Lluvy was born in Mexico. She also strongly resembles a tall Shelley Duvall, and is either really hideous or really striking. ["I said Illeana Douglas, which...same thing." -- Wing Chun]
And then, the moment we've all been waiting for. It's Tiffany, twenty-one, from Miami, Florida, who is excited to have a second chance. Flashback to Season 3 auditions, and then the infamous bar fight when beer was poured on Tiffany's weave. "That skank ho poured beer on my weave!" says Flashback Tiffany. Present-day Tiffany says that she's come back as a better person, because she knows she has to do well this time. But we like the old, truculent Tiffany! Boo!
Several model-filled vans pull up to The Century Plaza. We catch a glimpse of plus-sized Mary from last season. Noelle confesses to some other girls that she's only 5'8". She does not confess that she resembles a Dunkin' Donuts cashier, because they can see that for themselves. Fat Mary, twenty-two, Portland, Oregon, says, "Well, you know, you don't have to worry about me because I'm plus and they only pick one." OR DO THEY?!? Oops! Spoiler alert! Mary, who is really very pretty ["eh" -- Wing Chun], tells us that when Toccara was chosen over her last season, it nearly ripped her heart out. But she's back for a second chance because she enjoys pain, suffering, and humiliation at the hands of an ever-expanding transvestite alien.
Lindsey, a twentyone-year-old Marie Osmond doppelganger from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, tells us that everyone came together for the first time, where they were able to size up their competition. And speaking of size, then who comes out but my personal nemesis, Fucking Jay Manuel, orange as ever and wearing a deep v-neck. The models applaud him. ARGH. And now, I would like to present an open letter to Ms. Tyra Banks.
Dear Ms. Banks,
Hi, it's Potes. I know I make fun of you a lot, and say that you look like an alien, and will probably make manifold references to the amount of fried foods you have been consuming recently, but all in all I think you're just great. After all, you have given us one of the greatest shows in the history of the world, America's Top Model. And for this, you will always have my respect.
But please, Ms. Banks, for the love of the Lord: please fire Jay Manuel. He is a moron. He is an incompetent boob. He is an ingrown hair on the otherwise finely waxed bikini line that is America's Top Model. If you tweeze him out, we will all be better for it. Please, Ms. Banks. Please. I'll even suffer through more Nolé if I have to.
That is all.
Sincerely,
Potes
Fucking Jay -- who, a caption tells us, is once again art director of photo shoots -- and casting director Michelle Mock-Falcon welcome the girls. Jay asks what they think Tyra is looking for. They answer: someone unique, someone real, someone who brings something new. I answer: someone who has a degenerative disease. One girl sassily says, "I think she's looking for me." Apparently not, loser, since we never see you again. Tyra then enters and says, "I know what I'm looking for." The girls squeal and scream and hug each other. Tyra says she's watched every one of their audition tapes. Wow! Thirty-five whole tapes! How did she manage to spare the hour and a half? Tyra notes that one woman said she thinks she's a reincarnated cat, and we catch our first glimpse of the titular Lady Kat. Tyra says she's looking for pizzazz, as well as outer and inner beauty -- someone who is rare and extra-special, like the T-Bone platter at the Sizzler. Tyra, with her arm around Jay, tells the girls not to be fake, because she can see right through fake. She must have a hard time watching this show, then. She leaves to thunderous applause. Noelle says, "She really cares! She came!" Wow, to her own show. Now that's dedication. Noelle obviously doesn't realize that the point of the show is to get Tyra as much screen time as possible.
Tyra voices over that, with so many girls to choose from, she's relying on the help of her "very opinionated" colleagues, Mr. Jay Manuel and Ms. J. Alexander. I guess "very opinionated" is a new euphemism for "practitioner of butt piracy." J. Alexander, we are reminded, is a runway trainer and diva extraordinaire. Jay Manuel, we remind ourselves, is a total freaking idiot. Rebecca, twenty-one, from Minneapolis, Minnesota enters for her panel interview. She's blonde and cute-ish. She says that she's on her way to getting married and having kids, but wants to have some fun before she does that. Which, at the very least, is a different strategy than that employed by the breeders we shall soon meet. Tyra asks Rebecca if, given her "all-American" looks, she will be able to transform during the photo shoots. Rebecca says that she uses innocence as a cover-up, and then parades around in her undies. She is likely to lie and cheat to get her way, but being perceived as a good, sweet, innocent person has always worked in her favor. And I have to say that I hate that type. If you want to be a bitch and a slut, just do it already and stand proud. Tyra was impressed with Rebecca, because Tyra is also secretly a whore.
And then, Brittany. She walks in and yells in a J. Alexander voice, "Hello! How are you fabulous people doing today, because I know that I'm doing very well thank you!" Miss J. asks if she's a Red Bull addict, and she says she's always crazy and off the wall and dying to be the center of attention. Miss J. says, "I ain't mad at you." She tells us that she loves big hair and thinks she was a drag queen in a past life. I actually kind of think the same thing of myself (not to mention the fact that Cher is my biological mother), but I stopped telling people that around 1999, when even drag queens themselves realized that they were over. The Cher bit I still strongly believe and will tell anyone who will listen, in hopes of getting her to come and reclaim me. Please, Mom? I've been waiting so very long. Brittany tells us that maybe she should get a sex change so she can do drag. At least she would actually need a sex change, which is not true of some of the testosterone-laden contestants we shall soon meet. Brittany says that she already has the voice, and then goes, "Hello. I'm manly Stanley," which is pretty funny, especially since she sounds a lot like Bea Arthur. She walks in a bikini, which shows her smokin' bod. Jay says that he'd like to put Brittany and Janice in a room together and shut the door. We see precious footage of Janice grinding on Nolé. More Janice! More Janice!
In walks Tiffany in some frilly peach number which, we see, is quite the change from her ghetto ensemble of last season. Flashback to Tiffany shedding tears about being sent back to the ghetto, where she learned how to steal and she learned how to fight. In the ghetto. And her mama cried. Tiffany says that she realized she needed to change, and no longer engages in bar brawls. If this is the truth, then why even put her on the show? She says that she took an anger-management class, and that she's now a happy person with a great boyfriend and someone to help take care of her baby. She cries as she tells us how happy she is. She says something about how she sleeps with her baby in a twin-sized bed at home, and then tells us that her grandmother didn't pay the electricity bill so that she could buy a bathing suit for Tiffany's ANTM audition. And her electricity was cut off. And then her roof caved in and she was forced to find another cardboard box in which to make her home. And then she was riddled with head lice. Who banded together to steal all of the cat food she was going to eat for dinner. I mean, I feel bad for poor people too, but come on. Jay says that Tiffany grabbed her problems by the reins, and that he truly believes that she wants to change her life. But, he asks, can she be a model? Um, no. I mean, look at her. And I'm sorry, but if you really want to change your life and better yourself, I don't know that going on a reality show is the best plan. Or a plan at all, for that matter.
Pool party! Girls swim, dance, play truth or dare, fall into bushes, and take off their bikini tops. Lluvy notes that some girls were doing pole dances, which she felt was not the way to go. Hey, it worked for Cassie. Brittany runs around topless and tells us yet again how crazy she is. I have a feeling this is going to get old fast. Rebecca says she felt no need to take off her clothes, and wonders if the wild-acting girls are really like that. She says it should be interesting to see what happens from here on out. Commercials.
The girls prepare for a night out. The 21-and-overs get to go to two of L.A.'s hottest clubs, and the under-21s get a mystery trip. The older girls go to the White Lotus, where they drink and dance. Lluvy says it was especially nice to "get some fresh air." I didn't think there was any fresh air left in L.A. The youngsters end up at their final destination: the bowling alley. Come on, bowling rules! ["I'm well over twenty-one and I'd much rather go bowling, because it totally rules." -- Wing Chun] More footage of Brandy, who is still hideous. The oldies drink it up and dance seductively. "Here's to being twenty-one!" toasts Brittany. Noelle says that the youngsters ended up having a blast, probably because they realized that the drinking and dancing only accentuated the crow's feet around the eyes of the already ancient hags. "Here's to not being as old as Betty White!"
Back to the panel interviews. Lady Kat enters the room and walks straight toward a wall. Miss J. says, "You walk in here like you're nuts." Ha! He is the greatest. Her proper name is Jessika, and she's twenty-one, from Houston, Texas. Tyra asks why she calls herself "Lady Kat," and she says she has long nails. Okay, then. She asks if they want to see the cat walk. She then crawls on her hands and knees, and licks her own hand, which she says tastes good. Tyra and the Jays laugh nervously, like you laugh when a drunken homeless guy with head lice (read: Tiffany's grandmother) starts talking to you on the street. She says she doesn't know how tall she is, so Tyra stands to her so they can figure it out. Lady Kat touches Tyra and jumps up and down, and if I were Tyra I wouldn't go near her without security. She is a freak.
is Sarah, twenty-one, from Baltimore, Maryland, who tells us that she was always a tomboy. We see a photo of a teenaged Sarah, who sports some kind of a mullet. She says that her older sister always told her she was ugly. Her sister might have been on to something there. She is a self-professed late-bloomer. The judges think she has a great waist, great skin, and a big personality. up is Lluvy, who says she's very nervous, and is wearing a formal black dress. Tyra asks if the dress is hers, and Lluvy says it belongs to her sister. Tyra says she knew it. Oh, great and omniscient Tyra! Please help yourself to another Crisco Surprise to celebrate your wisdom. She sends Lluvy back to change into jeans and a t-shirt (which says "Me So Corny" and is adorable), and Lluvy is thankful. Lluvy says that she was something of a wild child, which culminated in gang membership. She says she was an angry and sad kid with a lot of resentment, and hates to talk about her gang years. Her dad died when she was three, and it was his wish that she be a model, which I think is weird. ["Me too. Did he want her to be a child model, like Jodie Foster was? She was three!" -- Wing Chun] Tyra says that Lluvy is great, and Jay says, "I love..." and you know he wants to say LOO-VEE, but then realizes that it's wrong, so he ends with, "...her." Ass.
Tatiana tells us that the girls went to Griffith Park to try to de-stress. While some girls do cartwheels and generally enjoy the sunshine, others appear to have stumbled onto a bee farm, which they do not enjoy. Tiffany and Lady Kat are among the latter group. They take a walk together, and Tiffany tells Lady Kat to chill the fuck out. She words it in a nice, anger-management-class-sanctioned way, though. She says she sees a lot of the old Tiffany in Lady Kat, and felt it was her place to intervene and share some advice. I hate this kinder, gentler, no-edge Tiffany.
Back to the interviews. In walks Mary. Oh, this is going to end badly. She says that, having a second chance to become America's Top Model, she's not going to hold back her emotions like she did last time. She looks really pretty and stylish and well accessorized. ["She needs a better bra, though. That one really makes her boobs look saggy." -- Wing Chun] Tyra asks how she felt when she was rejected the first time. Mary says that it was horrible, because she had felt alive for the first time and like she was finally doing what she wanted to do. Miss J. looks at her with a blank face because he can't formulate an expression for someone so pathetic. What they didn't tell Mary was that a second chance to be on the show also meant a second chance at utter devastation. But more about that later. On cue, Rachel walks in. She is apparently Mary's plus-sized competition even though she doesn't look big at all. We get no age or hometown. She says that everyone is her competition, from the skinny Minnies to the zaftig Marys. She then says, "Anything I can do, I'll do it. As long as I ain't showing nipple, I'm good to go. My grandparents are dead. I have no one to disgrace." She's gross, but I kind of love her.
is Alexandria, nineteen, from Fort Collins, Colorado. She is wearing a hideously ugly short ruffled skirt, and just as I am about to make fun of how she talks, she says this: "Growing up, they kinda wanted me in Special Ed just because I had a really bad speech impediment." Way to make me feel like an asshole, Alexandria. She says that the short bus was always waiting for her. Tyra tells us that a lot of actors and models and, with special emphasis, musicians, had to ride the short bus to school. That certainly explains American Idol. Alexandria says she wants to do something extraordinary with her life, but has instead decided to audition for this show.
is Christina, twenty-four, from Tallahassee, Florida, who I hate instantly. She has huge scary eyes, a long face, an enormous forehead, and rivals Jay for orangeness-per-pound. She's like the living incarnation of a head louse. Tyra asks if Christina tans, and says, "You're lookin' like my cousin. Lookin' a little Negro over there." Tyra notes Christina's tough exterior, and she is talking about more than her leathery skin. Christina says that she's always been confident and carried herself well. When people meet her, they tend to think she's a snob, but she couldn't give a rat's ass. Additionally, you need prescription shampoo to get rid or her.
And then, in walks a blonde creature from my dreams. It is Brita, twenty-five, from La Canada, California. Translated, her hometown is "The Canada." Tyra says, "Do your parents talk like theeeees?" in an exaggerated accent of the country of Foreignia. Brita says they are from Latvia. Tyra asks where Latvia is, and Brita says it's to Lithuania, which draws blank looks from the geography-impaired panel. Brita grew up relatively wealthy, but then her dad broke his back and couldn't support the family anymore, so she is now a waitress. She says, "Pretty much I've just been kinda on my own. I pay my own bills." Wow, at the ripe old age of twenty-five. How cruel life has been to her! But still: so pretty. She says that if people talk down to her because she's a waitress, that's fine, and that she's striving for something else. Honey, if they talk down to you, take a cue from Flo and just tell them to kiss your grits.
is Noelle, who we met at the beginning. Noelle had a baby young with her boyfriend of three years. They didn't know she was pregnant until five months in. Why did this turn into an episode of Without a Trace? Miss J. is understandably taken aback at that news. Noelle says she has severe endometriosis, an incurable reproductive illness, and is not supposed to be able to have children. Endometriosis is the new retinitis pigmentosa is the new lupus. Miss Tyra loves Noelle's illsnesses. Noelle is happy about her miracle baby, who has given her a sense of self-confidence and self-worth great enough for her to leave him for weeks on end to participate in a reality television show.
Tyra tells us that, now that the panel has met all of the girls individually, they wanted to see them together in a "lingerie walk-off" to see if they can "serve it." This is so stupid. Tyra asks the group of lingerie-clad lovelies how the experience was. They all say, "fun," and she says, "scary?" They all say yes, but it's better than the various parasites and cans of Fancy Feast waiting for them at home. She says that it's the kind of scary that can change their lives, and then sends them on their way. Once they are fully clothed, Jay comes out to tell them that their first big elimination will occur the morning. The girls shed tears, and one group prays while doing so. "Thank you, Jesus, we ask you to come into our careers, God." I am so sure that God gives a rat's ass who wins America's Top Model. Kahlen says that she is petrified. Tiffany says that everyone was crying like they were on Oprah. She says that getting cut will be hard...for the other girls. Because she isn't getting cut. Now throw a glass at someone! What do we have to do to get a little action around here?
The morning, the girls stand in front of the Jays for the first cut. They're going from thirty-five down to twenty. On the table behind them in the large hotel conference room are twenty portfolios, each with a photograph. Those photographs represent the twenty women who are moving on to the level of competition. Kahlen says that this is the most nervous she's ever been. We get a lot of footage of Kahlen, don't we? On the count of three, the girls run to the portfolios. Pandemonium! Tiffany finds her portfolio and falls to her knees, crying. Manly Michelle is the last to get her book, and she screams, "Aw! Hell yeah!" Mary is crying tears of joy, and notes that no other plus-sized girls were selected for her to compete with. She totally thinks she has it in the bag. That is just sad. Estela says that she wasn't crying when she got her book, but that she cried for the other devastated girls who didn't get a book. Oh, Estela has a heart! The heart of a man dressed in women's clothing, but a heart nonetheless. Speech impediment Alexandria is bawling. Lady Kat tells her to stop crying, because crying is for losers. Lady Kat says that she feels great, because she's still living and has nine lives. She says she's going to win. Several girls note that the competition is tough. Commercials.
And then: worst thing ever. I am getting all ready to start writing about the misadventures in makeup of a Small Orange Man and a Horsey Foreign Model, and who do I see instead? One Miss Eva Pigford. She says, "To be a Cover Girl? Phew. I take a breath on that one. This is my life. You've seen me on Top Model, you saw my dishes with the girls, you saw all of that. But you haven't been able to see what's happened since then." Yes we have, in the "Where Are They Now" special. "From the city life of New York, to fashion shows, to castings, to photo shoots, to premieres and parties. My life is just completely different, I don't know what to expect. It's literally like a dream come true." This is literally like my nightmare come true. "I just feel blessed to be able to do what I love to do and to be recognized for it. This is my life as a Cover Girl." And then, as if the past thirty seconds haven't been bad enough, we see the following caption in small letters: "A New Story Every Week." FUCK YOU, COVER GIRL! I want my Tip of the Week! Ugh. First Tiffany goes to rehab, and now this. I'm going to drown my sorrows in a tube of Wetslicks.
When we return, the remaining twenty girls learn that they are in charge of their first photo shoot, which will take place in one of those booths like you see at the mall. And trust me, this is going to be the best art direction we get all season, so enjoy it. Hideous Christina the Head Louse says she thinks the judges want them to get in the photo booth and show their personalities. This bodes poorly for her, since her personality sucks. The girls clown around and are nervous. Brittany gets in the booth and pouts out her collagen lips. Lady Kat looks insane. Tiffany says that her pictures came out messed up. Wait till The Dowager Jay gets a hold of you, honey. Naima says that this was her first opportunity to size up the competition, and that she wants to give something dynamic. Estela imitates poses from other girls that she hopes will disguise the fact that she is pre-op. More posing. Sarah says that the little machine takes good pictures.
And now, it is time for the Jays and Tyra to narrow the bunch down to the final fourten. Jay Manuel is totally wearing a "men on film" hat. He's the worst. Jay says that Keenyah was a little flat. Tyra says that not everybody has to be crazy, and that she, for example, is not crazy. The Jays give "Yeah, right" looks. Tyra's crazy about cheesecake, that's for sure! Miss J. says that Tatiana is a bit rough around the edges, but Tyra says that anyone who can take fierce photos in a photo booth deserves a second look. Tyra says that Jennifer has a horrible runway walk, which she likes, because it gives them a lot to work with. On Kahlen, Jay says, "There's something I like about a girl who doesn't know what she's doing, because that means there's the potential to really teach her something." That's exactly what Tyra just said, you idiot. I wonder if he's part of some sort of lobotomy resocialization program.
Miss J. loves Lluvy's Shelley Duvall meets Liza Minnelli look, but The Dowager Jay thinks she's pear-shaped. Tyra thinks that Noelle pops with brightness and shine from within. Or, more aptly, from her messed-up female parts. Jay says, "But Tyra, can I say no?" Tyra says, "OOOOOOOOOOH." I have this feeling that Noelle and her disease might be around for a while. Jay says that Brittany looks exactly like post-surgery Janice Dickinson. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Tyra thinks that Naima is edgy, but Miss J. wonders if they can take it further. On Manly Michelle, Miss J. says, "You know how I feel about no-neck monsters." Hee! Jay says that she has a neck, but she doesn't know how to carry herself. That girl has shoulders like a truck driver, though.
Jay doesn't like Brandy's weave, but Tyra loves it, because she has no taste. Lindsey is a model from the neck down, but Marie Osmond from the neck up. Brita is beautiful and might fit in with the trend toward glamour in fashion. Miss J. loves Sarah's face. Jay loves Estela's story, but says that's not good enough reason to bring her into the house. Miss J. says that there's so much deadly walk in Estela, and he thinks she has something. She does have something, and it is a penis. Rebecca is a clean palette, but Jay thinks that she's a bit actressy. Miss J. loves Lady Kat's body and face. You can tell that there's a "but" there, but they cut before we can hear it. Jay says that they can build on Tiffany and make her more versatile, whereas Lady Kat will give them one thing, and that one thing is, "Reow!" Tyra and Jay love Mary's booth photos, but Miss J., ever the voice of reason, says, "Yeah, but I don't think it's fair, Tyra, when you put one girl to compete with other girls that are not the same size." I think Miss J. is retroactively sticking up for his girl Toccara. Also, I bet he's sick of Janice's yapping about the fatties.
Mary earnestly says that she has never wanted anything more in her life, and that she feels it with all her heart and soul. Estela says that winning the competition would be a blessing for her and her daughter, and would change everything. Tiffany says that she's so happy to be there, and is used to failing at everything and having people doubt her. See, I like to think of my model wannabes as going out to buy new lip gloss upon being rejected, and not heading back to the women's shelter. If I wanted to see this shit, I'd watch Lifetime. (And don't you think for a minute that Meredith Baxter-Birney wouldn't play the hell out of the part of Tiffany.)
It is time to announce the finalists! Tyra is wearing a tight tank top that places her boobs right under her chin. The handier for placing a bucket of KFC upon, I say. The final fourteen are: Rebecca, Hideous Christina the Head Louse, Keenyah, Brita, Naima, Noelle, Michelle, Sarah, Brandy, Brittany, Kahlen, Tatiana, Lluvy, and finally, after much grandstanding...Tiffany. Tiffany instantly collapses to the ground, and then starts hopping around, and generally acting like a freak. In the losers' line, there are tears. One of the girls who we didn't see at all earlier in the episode says that she's happy for Tiffany, and that she wanted Tiffany to get chosen. I am so sure. Tyra hugs all of the girls, and when she gets to Mary, Mary breaks down. She tells us that her heart is broken, and that making it that far and being shut down twice is beyond comprehension. Tyra tells Mary that she can't let this break her, and that Tyra has been where Mary is right now many times. Tyra went home and cried on her bed, but then she got up, and eventually somebody is going to say yes. More accurately, someone is going to say, "Yes, I can super-size that." Estela says that she and her daughter will still come out on top, and that she wishes all of the finalists luck.
The fourteen finalists are happy. Tiffany says that she went from America's Most Wanted to America's Top Model. The photos of the final fourteen grace the screen, and we fade to commercials.
Coming up on ANTM: Janice, Nigel, and Nolé dress in cop uniforms to play fashion police and/or beat some bitches up; the girls appear to live in something of a rough neighborhood; and the attitude of two girls during their makeovers pisses Tyra off. Please, Tyra, throw a glass at Christina!