“ Cut to a shot of Annette Bening who, delirious from her second Oscar loss to Hillary Swank, has opted for a face-lift and thirty-six consecutive hours in the tanning booth. Oh, wait, it's just Eva rocking some spiky-ass hair and an unwashed face. ”
Oh, cruel ANTM! All we want is to forget the sordid past and move on to the new crop of fuglies in Season 4. They seem so much more interesting because we can't legitimately hate them yet, but only speculate about why we will soon hate them. But very well. Here is your recap, punks.
America's Top Model is...Eva! Woo! Hee! Oh, remember that blast from the past? It seems like it was just yesterday. And really, it kind of was. Tyra tells us that, in this special edition of Top Model, we'll sit down with America's new cover girl, Eva Pigford, catch up with some familiar faces -- Norelle! Yay! Kelle! Yay! Shandi and Mercedes! The hell? -- and focus on fresh stars -- Toccara! Yay! Ann! Boo! Yaya! BOOOOOOOOOO! If I could make that BOOOOOOOOOO jump off of this screen and kick Yaya in the shin, I would. Tyra tells us that, for the contestants, the goal of being a top model didn't end with elimination. Oh, it will soon enough. They're able to face big changes, tough challenges, and heartbreaking choices in order to live their ultimate dream. Coming up...what the divas are doing now. And I think I might start an online petition against the loose usage of the word "diva." And let's all take note of the manifold lies they're telling us in this special, shall we?
After a commercial break, we are greeted by Tyra Banks, her weave somewhat tame (though still a garish red) as she sits in front of a black background wearing a brown bustier. She is shot from chest up, because she is huge. Give that woman another plate of ribs and I might mistake her for Star Jones. She says that we started with fourteen amazing women (LIE #1!) from every part of the country. Represented were the Big Spple (Kelle), small-town Oklahoma (Cassie), southern California (Norelle), and North Dakota (Nicole). These women also represented every kind of beauty: a sleek athlete (Ann), plus-sized stunner (Toccara), willowy dancer (Yaya -- and I think that must be code for "irritating bitchface"), and ethereal mother (Amanda, and did we mention she's BLIND?). But, Tyra tells us, "it was always the pizzazz and personality of [the] winner, the amazing Eva the Diva, that stood out and made her a star." And there was a time when I liked Eva, but now I'm just sick of her.
Cut to a shot of Annette Bening who, delirious from her second Oscar loss to Hillary Swank, has opted for a face-lift and thirty-six consecutive hours in the tanning booth. Oh, wait, it's just Eva rocking some spiky-ass hair and an unwashed face. Seriously, can someone blot this woman? I am, however, coveting her awesome earrings. Eva relives the final moments of last season, when she and Yaya stood to each other, both anxious and crying. She tells us that when her picture flashed up as the winner, she couldn't even look because she was so scared. LIE #2! The moment was, for her, both unreal and surreal, and rendered her speechless, which was kind of a nice change. All she could do was thank God and think how happy her mama was going to be. And then, for the first time of many in the episode, she does the trademark Eva Laugh, which you can imitate at home by opening your mouth into a really wide smile, closing your eyes, and going "HA HA HA HIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" until your face threatens to crack. Yes, Eva, we know you have an infectious personality. But I've seen your molars one too many times to believe that it's always sincere.
What The Divas Are Doing Now
“ Eva hugs a woman who is almost as large as her delusions of grandeur. ”
Eva says that she immediately went to the finale party in Los Angeles. Wait, wasn't that, like, months after the final episode aired? Time flies when you're an in demand top model, I guess. Also, LIE #3! Then, she says, she took the red-eye to New York, where she did interviews with radio station KISS FM, CBS'sThe Early Show, and Regis and Kelly. Lots of footage of the Eva Laugh. She tells us that it was "so much..." and then trails off. At first I thought she ended with fun, but she actually ended with nothing. She says that she thought to herself, "Oh my gosh, is this what stars do? Because this is crazy!" And if she thinks that's crazy, she should experience a day in the life of a recapper!
Eva tells us she was most excited to meet the folks at Ford, who will be her "new family." She meets with Neil Hamil of Ford, and some other lowly grunts who have been forced to deal with her. She smiles enchantingly. She gets Polaroids taken for her book, and Neil tells her that she has to keep her wits about her and be very determined. She quickly replies, "And I am." She tells us, "It's so much more than just your face being out there. You're watched now. You're idolized." You're also recruited to be Missy Elliott's bottom, if the rumors are to be believed. And also...I think "idolized" might be overstating it a bit, there, Miss Diva. Cut to footage of two teenage girls -- obviously paid in crack by UPN (it's what they have in the petty cash box) -- running up to Eva and squealing and asking for a photo. She obliges with hugs and whatnot. She says that what you decide to put out there will influence how you are portrayed, and that little girls will pick that up. Her job is to be a positive role model and positive example for those little girls. And a note to all the little girls out there: you can do better.
Which leads to Tyra's favorite bedtime story: the tale of Eva's transformation. Eva says that seeing herself on the show has changed her life and made her realize how she comes across to other people. We get clips of her walking in fiercely at last year's callbacks and of Ann giving her a beating about being mean to Norelle in Tokyo. Eva says she was fortunate to see her behavior, and that it allowed her to check herself and take a different approach (read: saving her infantile behavior for off-camera -- LIE #4!). Her Mama has always told her, "Too much is given, much is required." Her Mama and Tyra's Mama should have lunch. She continues, "So I'm put on this pedestal [LIE #5!], but I have a lot of work to do while I'm up here." She hugs a woman who is almost as large as her delusions of grandeur.
We cut back to Tyra, who is suddenly wearing a pirate shirt made out of doilies. Seriously, what just happened there? It is slipping off of one shoulder, and has the effect of making her look like she is wearing either a straitjacket or a muumuu. She is just too damn wide for my 20" TV. She tells us that, throughout the night we'll be checking in on Eva's journey. Oh, thank you, great and generous Tyra, and please enjoy another slice of lard pie. But now we get a chance to check in with Eva's former competitors. Yay!
What The Divas Are Doing Now
“ Amanda says that what's most important to her right now is being with her son, and that she doesn't want to leave him for months on end (AGAIN) just to 'maybe make some money, and be in some, you know, magazines and pictures and stuff.' Well, if you call the Newport News catalog a magazine, then good for you, honey. ”
Amanda sits in a park and gets off of a phone call, and tells us that Eli is sick and coughing, which makes her feel like she should be home, because he needs her. Well, not to judge, but he kind of might, which is something she might have thought about before going on the show in the first place. Not that I wouldn't want to get away from my whining brat for a while too, if I had one, but I'm just saying. Amanda says that what's most important to her right now is being with her son, and that she doesn't want to leave him for months on end (AGAIN) just to "maybe make some money, and be in some, you know, magazines and pictures and stuff." Well, if you call the Newport News catalog a magazine, then good for you, honey. Also, LIES #12 and 13! She says she just wants to be happy right now, and what's going to make her happy is being with her son. And I'm sure that nobody in this segment, like, is fronting just because they've finally realized they have no chance at a successful modeling career or anything. I'm sure it's all about the loving of the child. LIE #14! Amanda feeds Eli and tries to get him to say "I love you" again. "I..." says Amanda. "I..." repeats Eli. "Love..." says Amanda. "...[Burp]" says Eli. "That's my boy!" says Amanda. Back in the New York Park of Broken Dreams, Amanda looks in the camera and tells Eli that she's coming home, and that she loves him. She then turns away from the camera and cries some more. Well, that was uplifting. Commercials.
When we return, Tyra notes that, for the first time in Top Model history, there were two African-American women in the final. They were the best of the bunch (LIE #15!), she tries to convince us, with their brains, beauty, incredible photos, and magnetic personalities. Yaya's personality is magnetic in the way that a thirty-five-pound goiter is magnetic. Eva emerged as the winner, of course, but, Tyra tells us, "There was no doubt that the fashion world would find room for Miss Yaya, too." Fucking Yaya.
We get a montage of "good stuff" from Yaya which, we all know, is, like, 1% of what actually happened. LIE #16, bitches! Present-day Yaya tells us that she doesn't feel so much like a celebrity, but feels like everybody knows her. Some girls run up to her and hug her, and they might quite possibly be the same crack-loving extras hired to show Eva some love. She says that as soon as the show ended, she had a cameo on Eve, in which she sucked. That last part was a bit of editorializing by me, but it is the truth. She says that she loves Eve, who is great to work with. Oh, Yaya. Such the industry insider. We see a photo of Yaya with Isaac Mizrahi, which would have been really impressive about fifteen years ago. She says that she was in an Isaac Mizrahi Target ad, and just did a shoot for Essence. The world of high fashion! It has not ignored Yaya! She says that she always knew she wanted to be on stage or in front of the camera, and we see her fro teased out to enormous lengths. She poses smugly for photos, per usual.
What The Divas Are Doing Now
“ It's wrong that this show tears down perfectly lovely people like Nicole, and builds up the Teflon egos of people like Yaya and Eva. ”
Woo! Now on to the real losers! "Kristi" tells us that there was still competition at the finale party -- who looks better, who's lost weight, who's had a photo shoot. "Kristi," with Jennipher at the finale party, jokingly says that they can't believe some of the girls got farther than they did. Well, the rest of us can. "Kristi" says that she learned she's more sensitive than she thought she was, and we see Jay grimacing at her during a photo shoot. There are things the judges said that will stay in her head forever, and we cut to Janice comparing "Kristi's" jaw to that of Carol Burnett. Ha! More Janice! "Kristi" says that she's worked to get that out of her head and not define herself by it, and says that she can't change her chin.
"Kristi" tells us that she, along with Shandi, Catie (who is sporting some dark brown hair), and Mercedes posed as the girls from Sex in the City for In Touch magazine. She was Miranda. And this is all we get to see of the Season 2 girls, sadly. "Kristi" is a directing student at NYU (say hi to Ashley for us, and Mary-Kate too if you happen to pass by the rehab clinic!), where she is directing her second feature, The Taming Of The Shrew. Also known as Suck On An Umeboshi, Yaya. She says that she wants to be able to go to school and model. Tell it to your American flag prom dress, sweets.
And in an instant, we have moved to Jennipher, who appears to have gotten her bottom teeth fixed. Good move. She says that the stress of ANTM was intense, and we see her getting her awful Crystal Gayle hair cut during the makeover episode. She said that was the saddest moment for her, but that "you cope with it." What a loser. She says that when she found out she was going blonde, she "just about crapped," and hated it. Such eloquence for one so young. She reminds us that New York is much different from her hometown of Pocatello, Idaho, which is a small town, and great if you like skiing or hunting, but not so much if you want to be a top model. It's not her type of atmosphere. To emphasize this point, we see buffalo in a field. She says that if she wanted to be low-key, it would be a fun resort town, but that she wants to model and can't live in Idaho. She wishes she were moving somewhere hotter than New York. And that's it from Jennipher. The editors must really hate her, huh?
is lovely Nicole, who we see hamming it up on the red carpet at the finale party. A present-day and still redheaded Nicole tells us that she wanted to prove that North Dakota is a goldmine of potential talent. We see some photos of a pretty, very blonde Nicole, and she looks a lot like Cameron Diaz. She says that in order to be a successful model you have to stand out, which she obviously did not (LIE #21!) when Tyra didn't remember her amongst a group of six people. Oh, goodness. I hope that secretly she knows that she's just too cool to model, and that fake-ass moment wasn't really what deterred her from pursuing it. Nicole says that, since the show ended, she's realized that modeling isn't her forte, and that she's going to focus on acting. If she can impart some personality in her audition, there is more of a chance that she will be successful. More pretty blonde pictures of Nicole. It's wrong that this show tears down perfectly lovely people like Nicole, and builds up the Teflon egos of people like Yaya and Eva.