Previously on America's Top Model: fourteen fame whores got the chance to pursue their dream of fame whoredom. Lots of squealing and screaming ensued. They roller-skated, they trafficked in live tarantulas, they jumped on trampolines, they wore pantyhose over their faces. They shoved each other and made empty threats of violence, they screamed when hag stylists pinched them, they were in denial about their snouts, but then they knew.
Eleven were eliminated, and three contenders now remain. There is Amanda, whose hypnotic ice-blue eyes captivated the judges, but also proved to be her most tragic feature. Because, in case you haven't heard, she's blind, kind of. Amanda's disability did not hold her back, however, and she consistently worked it like it was for sale and her final layaway payment on a miracle cure for retinitis pigmentosa was due tomorrow. Her "quirky" (read: butt-ugly, bespectacled, and oftentimes tacky) personal presence is in question, however, and may prove to be her downfall. Then there's Eva the Diva, who served it with a helping of fried attitude at casting. But she showed her inner layers throughout the season as her tough demeanor melted when, like, she got a paper cut. Boo hoo, Eva has feelings too! Because she's acting, people. Eva has to balance her natural spunk with the high-fashion grace of a top model, and also prove that short people do, in fact, have a reason to live. And finally, there's Yaya. Fucking Yaya. And this, I am going to quote verbatim from Tyra's voice-over: "Will it be Yaya, the Ivy League grad whose road to become top model had more than a few bumps on it?" Ha! Because of her pimples! Double ha! Apparently Yaya's consultation with the dermatologist helped to clear things up because, Tyra tells us, "With her skin trouble behind her, it was Yaya's natural beauty that started to break out." Ha! But she's still fucking Yaya, and sucks, and her victory would throw this country into pandemonium. So she'd better not win.
From L.A. to New York, from Jamaica to Japan, these three finalists battled it out. And now, on to the finale! Yay!
Tokyo! It is night. The girls return to their lovely house. Eva and Yaya both interview with some sense of disbelief that it is down to the final three, and that they are still around. Amanda interviews that, at the last elimination, Ann, who was sent packing, hugged Amanda and Yaya and thenwalked right past her former best friend slash lesbian lover, Eva, with nary a kind word or sideways glance. And then ran into the waiting arms of new gal pal Portia de Rossi, who had already redecorated their gay love nest in the Hollywood Hills. And a reliable source tells me that Eva did, in fact, say a soft "Banana" as Ann brushed by her. Well, I guess we know who was the top. Eva interviews that for Ann not even to say goodbye was crushing. Cut to footage of Eva crying and writing in her diary. Boo hoo, she has feelings too! I am totally not buying it.
Amanda interviews that Eva had been treating Ann "like poo" for a really long time, and that Eva is all about "me me me me me me me me me me me me me." And that is kind of interesting, since we have not seen Eva treating Ann like poo at all. The editing on this show is a bit like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. I chose to skip to page 52, in which Eva is still kind of the greatest and Ann is just a crappy, bitter, unphotogenic closet case with a borderline personality disorder. Eva says that actions come with consequences and repercussions, and that she recognizes her part in the falling-out with Ann and sees the whole thing as a life-learning experience. She says that being offensive and being defensive don't show strength. And that tidbit of wisdom is jargony and self-helpish and doesn't really make sense, so I'm assuming that it came from either (a) Tyra or (b) Tyra's mom. Eva says that she's trying to be a better person, but that she has been labeled as a bitch and some people can't see beyond that. Yaya then interviews, "If there were anything that Amanda and I could do to make Eva feel more included or comfortable...I don't think we would." Oh, the humble, respectful blessing to this earth that is Yaya. You know, some people (including Pus van Zandt herself) may argue that Yaya is a victim of selective editing, but that girl gives a LOT of sound bites. I'm just saying.
Tyra Mail! "Actresses have recently been gracing the covers of all the top magazines, but it's time for them to step aside and make room for a real cover girl." I like the rhyming Tyra Mail better and, in fact, I like to think that if The Bard were alive today, he'd be composing some of the best iambic pentameter reality television has ever seen. "Get thee forsooth into a wardrobe sleek/ The small orange man will spew useless critique." Or, "Thy face, it shall adorn a magazine/ Jay Manuel's a useless worn-out queen." The Bard likes to get paid too, y'all.
The morning, the girls ride to the shoot. Yaya says, "The three of us, like a pyramid." Like the $25,000 pyramid! "You can squeeze them, or pop them, or make lots of punny references to them in the show's intro..." "Yaya's pimples." "Ding!" Yaya says that three is always a hard number. But it's not as hard as one, which is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. But also, a singular sensation. The number one has layers and feelings, too, you guys. Yaya says that she doesn't feel like exuding any extra energy to make Eva feel included, and that all of Yaya's energy needs to be focused on "why [she's] here." To make the editors' jobs easier by being such a crap-tastic twunt? Well, you've done a fine job, Yaya. Eva notes that, at the last judging, Tyra said that none of the girls really had the stuff to be America's Top Model. Eva notes that it's anyone's game, and that the girls have no idea where they stand. Amanda says that none of the girls seems to have all of the necessary strengths in place. For example, Amanda takes good pictures but needs to be striking in person. And Yaya can look halfway decent in dim lighting with a pound of makeup, but is a huge ass. Pros and cons, pros and cons.
The girls enter a studio where they meet the small, orange Dowager Jay Manuel. He tells the girls that today is "the day," and that they are doing a photo shoot for Cover Girl Wetslicks Crystals, a brand-new moisturizing lip gloss coming out this Christmas. (Stop running to the stores, everyone! There's not enough shimmery Wetslicks left for me!) There's something about the name "Wetslicks Crystals" that grosses me out. Maybe they'll have the "Wetslicks Crystals Pearl Necklace" as a promotional item. Or "Wetslicks Crystals Moist Panties." Just...ew. The winner of the show will have her Wetslicks Crystals (argh! They won't let me stop saying it!) ad in a national magazine, which will kick off her Cover Girl contract. The girls will have to pose in a water pool with "Zen rocks," and, as Jay says, "The lip is the hero today." Angelina Jolie's lips are all, "My lips can take all of you, any day, Wetslicks Crystals or no," and Melanie Griffith's lips pipe up to say, "We know judo! But we'll totally take some Wetslicks Crystals, if you have any lying around. Glides well on collagen!" The girls get made up. Eva says, "Cover Girl has a smell to their lip stuff," which she loves. Let's all say it together, now: "Smells like cupcakes!" Jay plugs the product some more. Amanda says that when you're a little girl, you dream of being a model. Unless you are too busy watching your Barbies make out with each other and professing your undying love for Boy George. Oh, that was just me? All right, then. Amanda says that to be on the precipice of her dream is insane. Someone has been studying the word-a-day calendar Yaya gave her!
Amanda poses first on the Zen rocks. She looks quite pretty. She smiles as the photographer shoots her. She says, "I was really trying to utilize my inner joy. You know, my really strong personality and my appreciation for bunny rabbits and France." Oh, Pierre, comme j'adore votre beau pays! Puis-je toucher votre lapin maintenant, s'il vous plaît? Jay says that Amanda "got" the shot, and exudes the look that you ask for. I bet that's probably because she's able to make such apt connections and draw from a well of really profound inspiration.
Eva says that she is excited to have made it this far, and is about to be a star. Eva needs to have a long conversation with Adrianne Curry and Yoanna House on the topic of "realistic expectations." ["Well, as long a conversation as they could have while they're on their fifteen, before they have to go back to waiting tables." -- Wing Chun] Eva poses on the rocks, and says that she knows she has no room for error because the competition is cutthroat. Jay tells her that the ad should be friendly and happy, with an "inner smile" showing through. Eva smiles in a lovely way. Amanda interviews that she saw Eva posing, and that Eva had a pretty face but didn't exude energy. You know, that might have something to do with the fact that Eva eats bunnies for dinner, and is widely rumored to be a Francophobe. Jay says that Eva acted very tough in casting, but that throughout the competition she has let her wall come down.
Yaya interviews that when she is in hair and makeup, the stylists always talk about how she is regal and elegant, so she was trying to pull from different places to be a more "Tee ha ha ha" kind of person. And every time Yaya actually smiles or tries to act charming or funny, I just hate her more. She says that she was finding mental things to connect with, and was reciting poetry (oh, of course she was) and seeing little ways in which her education is keeping her positive. The most likely being the knowledge that she can fall back on her Ivy League diploma since she will never, ever win this competition because she's a whitehead-laden asshat. Fucking Yaya. Jay tells her to be approachable and friendly. He interviews that Mathu did a great job on Yaya's makeup today, and that she looks fresh and beautiful even without retouching. Which: lies. He also says that, before today, he wasn't sure that any of the girls had true model potential, but that they all stepped it up during the Cover Girl shoot. Commercials.
Eva is the Cover Girl of the week, for the fifth week in a row. How convenient!
We are back in the fast-paced city of Tokyo. After their photo shoot, the girls have to do a go-see with Tokyo-based designer Noriko Fukushima. The Dowager Jay and Ms. J. Alexander say that the girls have been exposed to traditional Japanese fashion (e.g. lingerie accessorized by a wide-open kimono) and Japanese street fashion (e.g. coked-up clown makeup and a motorcycle), and that today they are going to learn about current Japanese ready-to-wear fashion. J. says that Noriko has been a fixture on the Japanese fashion scene for twenty years. Oh, bring back the woman with the tiny sideways hat! Eva interviews that she's 5'7", but that she doesn't have to be tall to be great. She's going to knock down the norms, unless she is first squashed beneath an Amazonian fourteen-year-old's size 12 shoe on the runway. Eva wears an odd-looking puffy polka dotted thingy. Yaya walks in a see-through gold lamé skirt and is pleasing to Noriko and her assistant. Yaya says that, not to be disrespectful, if that idea had been done in the States, "it could look very hoochie." And it would probably look very hoochie on Yaya, but for the fact that she has the sex appeal of Jon Lovitz. Which, apparently, means that Janice Dickinson would (and does) want to hump her. Amanda comes out in Noriko's version of a modern wedding dress, which seems to involve a rose and white tulle bodystocking (with pants) surrounded by yet more rose and white tulle. Amanda says in the go-see that the dress is a showstopper, but interviews that it wasn't her cup of tea. And if I were Noriko, I would be concerned that my dress was so fug that it was able to restore the power of sight.
Tyra Mail! Somebody gets the boot tomorrow! Or, as The Bard would say, "Forsooth, unto the final two we go/ Wait, not so quick, you blind albino ho." No one can believe that they're in the final three, the panel will be more intense than ever, blah blah blah blah blah. Tyra introduces the girls to "a very special elimination." Oh my God! Will WKRP's Mr. Carlson bust out his dirty cartoons and try to get them drunk and make them pose topless in the bike shop? Actually, that doesn't sound like such a stretch, except Janice would totally play the pedophile bike shop owner. And again, not much of a stretch. Anyway, the two girls who remain will compete in a Noriko Fukushima fashion show and vie for the title of America's Top Model. The prizes, for the record, are a contract with Ford Models, a spread in Elle Magazine, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl cosmetics. The judges are the fabulous Janice Dickinson (whom Tyra has reverted to calling "ONE OF the world's first supermodels"), photographer Nigel Barker, prominent fashion editor and stylist Nolé Marin, and guest judge Noriko Fukushima and translator. Tyra says that the winner's Cover Girl photo will be a real ad appearing in magazines all across the land, and will be the start of her Cover Girl contract.
Amanda is first. The judges gasp in awe of her shot, and call her shot cute, amazing, lovely, scrumptious, and absolutely beautiful. It is very pretty, if a little plastic-looking. Amanda says that she's going to cry, and Janice tells her to cry, because crying is good. I think the final tally on crying for the season is: crying is bad = one; crying is good = three. So just let it all out, girls! Noriko says that Amanda's coloring (eyes, skin, and hair) is something that Japanese people admire. Tyra asks Amanda what designer would let her walk the runway in glasses. She says that it's not realistic for a real go-see or a fashion show. And she might have mentioned that in any one of the past eleven panels, or when she picked Amanda to be on the show.
Yaya is . The judges indicate that they like her photo. Yaya says that it doesn't look like her, and lets out a big laugh. Oh, honey, it's far too late in the game to try to make us think that you're in the least bit likeable. Spare yourself the wrinkle. The judges say that she looks sweet and approachable. I think she actually looks a little funny, probably on account of how she's not used to smiling, ever. She says that she was trying not to concentrate too much, but also thinking about her little brother, who makes her laugh. I can just see it now, "Oh, Zaza, your youthful shenanigans put me in mind of Keats! Allow me to recite to you from 'On First Looking Into Chapman's Homer.'" Nigel says that thinking about the Cover Girl contract would be enough to make anyone smile. Yaya laughs, again, and I expect her to break into a coughing fit or something, given that her laughing muscles have probably atrophied from years of bitchface.
And finally, Eva. The judges are also impressed by her picture. Nigel says that the girls are making the judges' jobs very difficult, and Janice asks if there can be three winners. Eva says that she was thinking about the contract, and that's what kept her motivated. Tyra says that Eva's skin is amazing in the picture, and Janice agrees that it's like honey. Noriko says that it looks like Eva's smile comes from within, and that looking at her picture makes Noriko happier. Aww! It makes me happier, too.
Before sending them to the holding room, Tyra applauds all three girls and notes that they are the shortest of all the finalists. She says that some people in the fashion world might be gaggling and saying that this is blasphemous (and here she does her best Janice Dickinson imitation), but that they are giving shorter girls hope. She also says that the Cover Girl pictures prove that the three finalists are ready to become top models. The girls exit.
The judges deliberate. Nolé notes that ice queen Amanda has melted away, and that a beautiful woman has come out. And I'm not sure if that's exactly the comparison that he was looking for. He's kind of an idiot, too. Nigel says that Amanda still needs to work on her personal presentation, and that her body always looks slightly off-kilter. At least she doesn't do the head weave like Stevie Wonder. Janice says that Amanda nailed the photograph, "hands down, bar none." Nigel says that you wouldn't necessarily expect such a great, beautiful, warm picture from little tomboy Eva. Nolé says that Eva is the person that every girl in America wants to know and wants to be. I don't know. I'd like to know and/or be someone who was much richer and marginally more famous. Janice says that Eva has come light years, that she's leapt and she's learned, but Janice wants to see "the essence of chic," and Eva doesn't deliver. Nolé says that Yaya has incredible bone structure, and Nigel says that she's one of the most beautiful girls ever to be on the show. I don't know about that. He continues that she's elegant and regal, but that those qualities can also be negatives, since she comes off as snobbish and arrogant. Janice snaps, "That's your opinion." Nigel retorts, "Well, it is my opinion. Isn't that what this is about?" Fight, fight! Janice says that her picture crosses all borders, and that Yaya has the Cover Girl look. The judges lament the difficulty of this elimination. Tyra says that she is shaking. Janice throws up her hands. Commercials.
When we return, somber music accompanies the judges' verdict. Tyra says that the two finalists will "walk and sashay to the death" to determine who will be the winner. And how awesome would it be if they actually had to walk and sashay until someone died? Or at least had to be hospitalized. It would be especially awesome if that someone were Yaya. And, in fact, Yaya's name is the first called. Tyra tells her that she came to the competition with stature -- perhaps too much stature -- but that the judges have reined that in and made a true model out of her. Yaya stands in the winner's circle. Amanda and Eva step forward. Tyra says that each girl has what the other needs. Amanda has edgy, fierce, high-fashion qualities, while Eva is approachable and relatable. But a top model needs to have both. The judges think that one of the girls might be able to pull it together in the short time remaining. It is Eva! And I have to say that even though I had warmed up to Amanda in the past few weeks, I really like the concept of an Eva/Yaya showdown. Eva lets out a happy cry of "disbelief."
Janice watches Amanda hug Yaya and lets out a disgusted sigh. Janice's favorites never win. As Amanda takes her leave, Janice yells, "Love you!" Oh, such display of emotion from one whose face is fashioned entirely from manmade substances! Amanda says that she is surprised not to be in the final two, and that she wanted to win so that she could get the $100,000 contract and buy a house. Whatever. I'm older than she is and I don't have enough money to buy a house either, so the poor card gets no sympathy around these parts. She says that she wants to inspire people with disabilities or shortcomings to work through them and find joy in everything. We see Amanda's portfolio, and she really does have some lovely photos. Amanda walks down the Tokyo street in the dark, dark night. And the streets in Tokyo must be paved with glitter, because she is doing just fine without her walking stick. Or maybe her sense of smell effectively guides her to Janice's bike shop.
Back at the homestead, Eva delights in the fact that competition has come down to the tomboy and the Afrocentrist. She interviews that never in a million years did she and Yaya expect to be the final two. She tells Yaya that it blows her mind that two black girls are finalists. Yaya interviews that she and Eva hadn't really connected or even felt comfortable around each other heretofore in the competition, but that as the final two, they let their guards down. They talk about how they were picked over girls who were taller, or had straighter teeth, or, particularly in Yaya's case, clearer skin. Yaya then indicates that people called her "Nestle Crunch Bar." HAAAAAAAAAA! That is so mean, but also so awesome. Eva says that Yaya put defenses up, but that Eva's discovering that there's a sweet person underneath. Yeah, I don't know about that so much. Yaya interviews that it makes her happy that the winner of the competition will be a black woman who, while she has flaws, has a head that is on her shoulders, and is a positive person. And I can't tell whether she made that statement when she thought she was going to win, or after Eva actually won. Yaya says that it's refreshing finally to see Eva for who she is, and she wonders why she and Eva couldn't have been friends all along. Maybe because you suck, and are an enormous jerk. I don't know, just a theory.
The girls rise and begin the day of their final challenge with yet another one-on-one with Tyra. Eva says that becoming a supermodel was a dream, but never something that she thought was obtainable. Well, the "obtainable" part is still in question, if you ask me. She's excited and surprised that the last two girls are black. Tyra says that it's not about "us" thinking that a black girl needs to win Cycle 3, but rather that the two best happened to be black girls. And there has been a great deal of debate on the forums about whether race was a factor in selecting the final two and eventual winner. While I do think that Tyra and the producers probably would have liked to see a woman of color win the competition, you have to give credit to Eva for having the kind of personality and, if you will, star quality that makes you notice her. She's on the ball, she works hard, she's able to walk and pose successfully, and she has a certain radiance and charm about her which, if I may be so bold, former winners Adrianne "Methodone Clinic" Curry and Yoanna "Sickly" House lack. Yaya gets credit for...okay, nothing.
Tyra notes that Eva says she was alienated from the other girls, and asks how it will be now that it's down to the final two. Eva says that she and Yaya have never taken it upon themselves to get to know each other, but that they've had this experience together, and that it's pointless to be enemies now. Eva asks Tyra why she thinks that Eva has potential. Tyra says that she sees a girl who's very troubled, but is dealing with that and trying to be better. And I'm not exactly sure what this has to do with modeling, but then again, I ask that question a lot with this show. She says it's not about perfection, but about striving to improve herself. Eva says that if she looks at what she's gone through in her past, it's hard to predict her future. She says that all she wanted was somewhere to sleep, or someone to hold her, or someone to love her. Oh, Eva! Ann would have been totally ready to give you all of those things, if she wasn't such a schizoid freak. But another lucky lady will come along, don't you worry. Eva says that she's admired so many people in her time, and that can't believe that she might be a person others admire. One step at a time, there, Danny DeVito. She says that there's no testimony without a test. I have to say, I would really like to know what Eva's deal is. She gives Tyra a big hug.
Yaya meets with Tyra. She says, "I wasn't expecting you to call me first...or at all." HA! Jerk. Tyra asks why Yaya would question belonging in the competition (answer: she didn't question it, and totally thinks she's going to win), and Yaya says something about being Afrocentric, and that she didn't fit the mold that the other competitors were filling (e.g., she is of superior intelligence). Tyra says that even though she wears a hair weave, she's still a black woman, and that she represents beauty to people who never thought black women were beautiful. She says that there's a way to make even the whitest of the whiteys -- from Alabama, no less -- like and enjoy her while still holding on to her Afrocentric identity. That is such a lie, because no one will ever like Yaya, ever.
The girls arrive at the fashion show. Eva says that she's excited because she can walk and plans to show it. Yaya says that she has butterflies in her stomach, and feels the same way she did when she walked across the stage and got her diploma. Hungover? Oh, maybe that was just me. She continues, "I know I haven't won yet but...almost." Ha! She totally thinks she's going to win. SUCKER! The Dowager Jay meets the girls and tells them that this show is not staged for them, but is a real fashion show. Yaya reiterates this point. Which is maybe a little dubious. The girls see the runway, which is sort of shaped like a square letter "b" that crosses itself at one point. Yaya says that they're used to a simple, linear runway, and that the "45-degree angles" on this one are bound to cause some confusion. And, apparently, they already have since they're actually 90-degree angles. The Brown administration might seriously consider adding basic math as part of its core curriculum. Jay tells the girls and the other models that they're going for a very Japanese, "Zen-style" show, which will entail a somber, slow walk. Eva interviews that she's nervous, because thus far they've been taught to be fierce on the runway, and that fierceness is an area in which she excels. Yaya is overconfident, as usual.
The ANTM judges -- including Ms. J. in full kimono regalia -- take their seats in the front row. Eva and Yaya get made up backstage. Eva says that she's nervous because a lot is riding on this. Tyra gives the girls a pep talk backstage. Jay talks into a little microphone as if he is directing the show. Which, come on, he is totally not. Commercials. I can hardly bear the suspense!
And now it's time for the very last Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week, starring a small orange man and a horsy foreign model.
[The setting is a salon. Techno music typically found in any gay disco underscores the action.]
Horsy Foreign Model: [as if she works] After work tomorrow, I have a party and just ten minutes to get ready!
Small Orange Man: [as if he knows anything about strategy] You need a makeup strategy. Go from day to evening by changing textures. A little shimmer powder on the cheeks or browbone will add a festive radiance.
HFM: [thankful for this mind-blowing makeup tip] Easy! Anything else?
SOM: [like you didn't know it was coming] Add a lip gloss in the evening, especially a shimmery one for the holiday look. Wetslicks lip gloss by Cover Girl has a lasting high-shine finish.
HFM: [hoping her lips don't get mistaken for the heavens] Like stars!
SOM: [thinking "only if Taye Diggs is underneath"] Bring on the mistletoe!
Tyra, I beg of you, please replace these with J. Alexander style tips in Cycle 4! I will never say anything mean about you or compare you to an alien ever again. Okay, that is a lie. But please do it anyway!
Runway time! Jay continues to pretend to be doing something. Drummers drum. The models line up. Yaya and Eva are nervous. Yaya is the first of the two on the runway. Janice screams, "Yeah!" Yaya says that walking out on the runway and feeling the people looking at her is exhilarating. Eva says that she likes to walk strong and serve it, but that this show did not allow her to do that. Eva notes that it's pandemonium backstage. Yaya walks again. Janice yells, "Yaya! Faster!" and Tyra shushes her. More Eva. Janice "whispers" to Nigel that it's perfect. For their final walk, Janice yells something encouraging to Yaya again. She is totally off the wagon. Jon Lovitz, for the love of God, stage an intervention! Yaya and Eva have to cross each other on the "b" shaped runway. The show tries to make us believe that there's a chance that the two will collide. I'm sorry, but they're going, like, .2 miles per hour. Stop trying to manufacture drama, UPN! What, you say? There'd be no show, then? Well, in that case, carry on. And, ahem, Yaya and Eva almost crashed! It was crazy! My heart truly skipped a beat on that one!
The show ends. Yaya says that she feels good about her performance, and that her chances of winning are very good. Who says that? She needs to learn when to keep it to herself. Eva says that she feels like she did a good job. Jay commends them both, and sends them straight to panel. Yaya says that Eva collapsed into her bosom. No, she actually said that. "Eva kind of collapsed into my bosom." That is a direct quote. First of all..."bosom"? And second of all, I think I see where this newfound love and appreciation for one another comes from. Somewhere in Erie, PA, Ann seethes with jealousy. Because she is gay. Stop denying it, Ann. You totally are.
Eva and Yaya arrive at panel. ["Showered and in completely different outfits than they had on after the fashion show, so as for the two of them going straight to panel from the runway, I call bullshit." -- Wing Chun] Eva looks totally hot. Yaya is wearing one of Bea Arthur's old caftans. I think I can see where this is headed. And so, I think, can Yaya. Tyra says that the little girl from New York and the little girl from L.A. have transformed into world-class models, but that only one can be America's Top Model. Tyra goes through the prizes again. She introduces the judges again. There is no guest judge this time, since these four best know each girl's strengths and weaknesses. What do they do in the case of a tie, I wonder? ["I think Tyra gets like five votes." -- Wing Chun]
The judges watch footage of the runway show. Nigel says that he was breathless when Yaya walked the runway. Nolé felt that she was technically impressive but lacked personality. Janice -- sporting a massive weave of her own -- says that Yaya fit in with the other models, but that the look on her face was zombie-like and glacial. She thinks that Yaya will get it the time. Tyra says that her mom was impressed by Yaya's booty. Nigel says that he really liked Eva's walk, which was Zen, but with swagger. John Wayne meets Buddha. I like it. Tyra notes that Eva nods her head back and forth when she walks, and Janice pipes up to call her "a little egret!" Tyra tells Yaya that she was walking heel-toe, and that "You have to put that pressure more on the balls." And something tells me that Janice has oft given that advice, sometimes as a Christmas present.
Tyra reviews various photos from throughout the entire competition. Yaya excelled off the bat at the swimsuit shot, while Eva did not yet seem comfortable modeling. They both rocked the beauty shot. Eva nailed the alter-ego shoot, while Yaya's was uneven. Tyra thinks that Yaya's photo with the tarantula looks like herself. Nigel thinks it's Yaya's best shot so far. Nolé commends Eva on a good shot despite her fear of spiders. Yaya was a quick study on the kimono shot, while Eva made the most of her body. Both Cover Girl photos are excellent. Tyra explains the Cover Girl concept as "a good girl with a wink," and says that both girls are Cover Girl material.
The judges deliberate. Nigel says that both girls are striking in different ways, and that Eva's look is contemporary while Yaya's is more classic. He's torn over which he prefers. Tyra says that despite not having modeling experience, Yaya began to move like a pro early on. Nolé almost became straight when he saw how gorgeous Eva looked in front of the panel. We get a shot of her, and she does kind of look like a really great, young, sassy drag queen, so I can see why he's so enamored. Janice says that she sees a beautiful woman in Eva and appreciates how she's grown (not literally, of course, although that might better solve some of Janice's issues with her), but she's more prone to Yaya's "refinement." She says that, after watching the runway show closely, Yaya is the more versatile model. Nolé says that Eva needs to understand more about who she is as a model. Nigel likes Eva's personality and says that she makes him smile, which is not something that a person can learn. Janice says that both girls have this quality. Except that Yaya totally doesn't. Tyra says that Yaya's body is amazing. Nolé says that Eva is like a Cinderella story: she came in as a little tough boy and transformed into a gorgeous woman. Nigel says that he is torn. We hear Janice sigh loudly. Tyra says, "This is horrible." I know it!
The girls return. Both are overwhelmed. Tyra tells them how hard the decision was. She says that they are both very different -- that each has strengths and weaknesses, and that they represent different kinds of beauty. She says that Yaya went from being photogenic and an asshat to being likeable and relatable. Yeah, maybe for, like, one minute during this episode. I call bullshit. Eva came to Los Angeles as a hater who served it up, and was reformed through Tyra's "talks." Aren't we all, aren't we all. But there can only be one winner...
AND IT IS EVA! Eva screams and starts to cry, overwhelmed with joy. Yaya, to give her a little bit of credit, smiles with all the warmth she can muster when she sees that Eva is the winner. The judges all give over-exaggerated reaction shots, and Janice in particular looks crazy, like she is about to have a seizure or is a greeter at Wal-Mart. Eva says incredulously, "Beautiful? A model? Me?" Yaya says, "In comparison to other people in this competition, I definitely feel like I deserve to be recognized, and I will. But they wanted something a little bit more bubbly, and they found it." And it sounds a bit like that sentence was cobbled together with Elmer's glue, shoestrings, and a rusty nail. But I'm sure that each component was filled with the general asshattery that is Yaya, so I'm not going to take too much issue with it. Yaya leaves. Yay!
More happiness from Eva. She says that she never expected, as the "little tomboy from L.A.," to be a Cover Girl. She says she was not beautiful and never cute in school (though pictures from her youth show her to be quite adorable), and was rife with insecurity. She cries and manages to choke out, in a very Miss American fashion, "And I get to represent [gasp! sob!] all those little girls that feel the way I feel!" And that was either very genuine or incredibly fake, but it's to her credit that I'm not entirely sure which. Janice jumps on Eva, throws her legs around her, and starts to hump her. She then grasps Eva's hands and jumps up and down, and I worry that it's all a nefarious attempt to whack Eva hard enough with those silicon jugs hanging off of her chest that Eva incurs permanent brain damage and Yaya, as runner-up, must take over her duties as America's Top Model. Tyra voices over, "Eva has vitality. She has sass and spunk that make her relatable to young girls everywhere. Eva is a true cover girl." Eva says, "Tyra Banks just told me that I'm about to be a star!" Yeah, don't believe everything you hear from Tyra, little one. She says, "Watch out world, here comes Eva!" That'll do, Pigford. That'll do.
And with that, lovely readers, I must bid you adieu. Thank you so much for reading week after week and making my first recapping experience an enjoyable one. Until Cycle 4 rolls around, I hope that you will all continue to pour beer on one another's weaves, shove it in those tall bitches' face, and spit out your umeboshi on a regular basis. Keep the memories alive, everyone, and I hope I'll see you again soon.