Previously on America's Top Model: fourteen fame whores got the chance to pursue their dream of fame whoredom. Lots of squealing and screaming ensued. They roller-skated, they trafficked in live tarantulas, they jumped on trampolines, they wore pantyhose over their faces. They shoved each other and made empty threats of violence, they screamed when hag stylists pinched them, they were in denial about their snouts, but then they knew.
Eleven were eliminated, and three contenders now remain. There is Amanda, whose hypnotic ice-blue eyes captivated the judges, but also proved to be her most tragic feature. Because, in case you haven't heard, she's blind, kind of. Amanda's disability did not hold her back, however, and she consistently worked it like it was for sale and her final layaway payment on a miracle cure for retinitis pigmentosa was due tomorrow. Her "quirky" (read: butt-ugly, bespectacled, and oftentimes tacky) personal presence is in question, however, and may prove to be her downfall. Then there's Eva the Diva, who served it with a helping of fried attitude at casting. But she showed her inner layers throughout the season as her tough demeanor melted when, like, she got a paper cut. Boo hoo, Eva has feelings too! Because she's acting, people. Eva has to balance her natural spunk with the high-fashion grace of a top model, and also prove that short people do, in fact, have a reason to live. And finally, there's Yaya. Fucking Yaya. And this, I am going to quote verbatim from Tyra's voice-over: "Will it be Yaya, the Ivy League grad whose road to become top model had more than a few bumps on it?" Ha! Because of her pimples! Double ha! Apparently Yaya's consultation with the dermatologist helped to clear things up because, Tyra tells us, "With her skin trouble behind her, it was Yaya's natural beauty that started to break out." Ha! But she's still fucking Yaya, and sucks, and her victory would throw this country into pandemonium. So she'd better not win.
From L.A. to New York, from Jamaica to Japan, these three finalists battled it out. And now, on to the finale! Yay!
Tokyo! It is night. The girls return to their lovely house. Eva and Yaya both interview with some sense of disbelief that it is down to the final three, and that they are still around. Amanda interviews that, at the last elimination, Ann, who was sent packing, hugged Amanda and Yaya and thenwalked right past her former best friend slash lesbian lover, Eva, with nary a kind word or sideways glance. And then ran into the waiting arms of new gal pal Portia de Rossi, who had already redecorated their gay love nest in the Hollywood Hills. And a reliable source tells me that Eva did, in fact, say a soft "Banana" as Ann brushed by her. Well, I guess we know who was the top. Eva interviews that for Ann not even to say goodbye was crushing. Cut to footage of Eva crying and writing in her diary. Boo hoo, she has feelings too! I am totally not buying it.
Amanda interviews that Eva had been treating Ann "like poo" for a really long time, and that Eva is all about "me me me me me me me me me me me me me." And that is kind of interesting, since we have not seen Eva treating Ann like poo at all. The editing on this show is a bit like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. I chose to skip to page 52, in which Eva is still kind of the greatest and Ann is just a crappy, bitter, unphotogenic closet case with a borderline personality disorder. Eva says that actions come with consequences and repercussions, and that she recognizes her part in the falling-out with Ann and sees the whole thing as a life-learning experience. She says that being offensive and being defensive don't show strength. And that tidbit of wisdom is jargony and self-helpish and doesn't really make sense, so I'm assuming that it came from either (a) Tyra or (b) Tyra's mom. Eva says that she's trying to be a better person, but that she has been labeled as a bitch and some people can't see beyond that. Yaya then interviews, "If there were anything that Amanda and I could do to make Eva feel more included or comfortable...I don't think we would." Oh, the humble, respectful blessing to this earth that is Yaya. You know, some people (including Pus van Zandt herself) may argue that Yaya is a victim of selective editing, but that girl gives a LOT of sound bites. I'm just saying.
Tyra Mail! "Actresses have recently been gracing the covers of all the top magazines, but it's time for them to step aside and make room for a real cover girl." I like the rhyming Tyra Mail better and, in fact, I like to think that if The Bard were alive today, he'd be composing some of the best iambic pentameter reality television has ever seen. "Get thee forsooth into a wardrobe sleek/ The small orange man will spew useless critique." Or, "Thy face, it shall adorn a magazine/ Jay Manuel's a useless worn-out queen." The Bard likes to get paid too, y'all.
The morning, the girls ride to the shoot. Yaya says, "The three of us, like a pyramid." Like the $25,000 pyramid! "You can squeeze them, or pop them, or make lots of punny references to them in the show's intro..." "Yaya's pimples." "Ding!" Yaya says that three is always a hard number. But it's not as hard as one, which is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. But also, a singular sensation. The number one has layers and feelings, too, you guys. Yaya says that she doesn't feel like exuding any extra energy to make Eva feel included, and that all of Yaya's energy needs to be focused on "why [she's] here." To make the editors' jobs easier by being such a crap-tastic twunt? Well, you've done a fine job, Yaya. Eva notes that, at the last judging, Tyra said that none of the girls really had the stuff to be America's Top Model. Eva notes that it's anyone's game, and that the girls have no idea where they stand. Amanda says that none of the girls seems to have all of the necessary strengths in place. For example, Amanda takes good pictures but needs to be striking in person. And Yaya can look halfway decent in dim lighting with a pound of makeup, but is a huge ass. Pros and cons, pros and cons.
“ I think I see where Eva and Yaya's newfound love and appreciation for one another comes from. Somewhere in Erie, PA, Ann seethes with jealousy. Because she is gay. Stop denying it, Ann. You totally are. ”
The show ends. Yaya says that she feels good about her performance, and that her chances of winning are very good. Who says that? She needs to learn when to keep it to herself. Eva says that she feels like she did a good job. Jay commends them both, and sends them straight to panel. Yaya says that Eva collapsed into her bosom. No, she actually said that. "Eva kind of collapsed into my bosom." That is a direct quote. First of all..."bosom"? And second of all, I think I see where this newfound love and appreciation for one another comes from. Somewhere in Erie, PA, Ann seethes with jealousy. Because she is gay. Stop denying it, Ann. You totally are.
Eva and Yaya arrive at panel. ["Showered and in completely different outfits than they had on after the fashion show, so as for the two of them going straight to panel from the runway, I call bullshit." -- Wing Chun] Eva looks totally hot. Yaya is wearing one of Bea Arthur's old caftans. I think I can see where this is headed. And so, I think, can Yaya. Tyra says that the little girl from New York and the little girl from L.A. have transformed into world-class models, but that only one can be America's Top Model. Tyra goes through the prizes again. She introduces the judges again. There is no guest judge this time, since these four best know each girl's strengths and weaknesses. What do they do in the case of a tie, I wonder? ["I think Tyra gets like five votes." -- Wing Chun]
The judges watch footage of the runway show. Nigel says that he was breathless when Yaya walked the runway. Nol felt that she was technically impressive but lacked personality. Janice -- sporting a massive weave of her own -- says that Yaya fit in with the other models, but that the look on her face was zombie-like and glacial. She thinks that Yaya will get it the time. Tyra says that her mom was impressed by Yaya's booty. Nigel says that he really liked Eva's walk, which was Zen, but with swagger. John Wayne meets Buddha. I like it. Tyra notes that Eva nods her head back and forth when she walks, and Janice pipes up to call her "a little egret!" Tyra tells Yaya that she was walking heel-toe, and that "You have to put that pressure more on the balls." And something tells me that Janice has oft given that advice, sometimes as a Christmas present.
Tyra reviews various photos from throughout the entire competition. Yaya excelled off the bat at the swimsuit shot, while Eva did not yet seem comfortable modeling. They both rocked the beauty shot. Eva nailed the alter-ego shoot, while Yaya's was uneven. Tyra thinks that Yaya's photo with the tarantula looks like herself. Nigel thinks it's Yaya's best shot so far. Nol commends Eva on a good shot despite her fear of spiders. Yaya was a quick study on the kimono shot, while Eva made the most of her body. Both Cover Girl photos are excellent. Tyra explains the Cover Girl concept as "a good girl with a wink," and says that both girls are Cover Girl material.
The judges deliberate. Nigel says that both girls are striking in different ways, and that Eva's look is contemporary while Yaya's is more classic. He's torn over which he prefers. Tyra says that despite not having modeling experience, Yaya began to move like a pro early on. Nol almost became straight when he saw how gorgeous Eva looked in front of the panel. We get a shot of her, and she does kind of look like a really great, young, sassy drag queen, so I can see why he's so enamored. Janice says that she sees a beautiful woman in Eva and appreciates how she's grown (not literally, of course, although that might better solve some of Janice's issues with her), but she's more prone to Yaya's "refinement." She says that, after watching the runway show closely, Yaya is the more versatile model. Nol says that Eva needs to understand more about who she is as a model. Nigel likes Eva's personality and says that she makes him smile, which is not something that a person can learn. Janice says that both girls have this quality. Except that Yaya totally doesn't. Tyra says that Yaya's body is amazing. Nol says that Eva is like a Cinderella story: she came in as a little tough boy and transformed into a gorgeous woman. Nigel says that he is torn. We hear Janice sigh loudly. Tyra says, "This is horrible." I know it!
The girls return. Both are overwhelmed. Tyra tells them how hard the decision was. She says that they are both very different -- that each has strengths and weaknesses, and that they represent different kinds of beauty. She says that Yaya went from being photogenic and an asshat to being likeable and relatable. Yeah, maybe for, like, one minute during this episode. I call bullshit. Eva came to Los Angeles as a hater who served it up, and was reformed through Tyra's "talks." Aren't we all, aren't we all. But there can only be one winner...
AND IT IS EVA! Eva screams and starts to cry, overwhelmed with joy. Yaya, to give her a little bit of credit, smiles with all the warmth she can muster when she sees that Eva is the winner. The judges all give over-exaggerated reaction shots, and Janice in particular looks crazy, like she is about to have a seizure or is a greeter at Wal-Mart. Eva says incredulously, "Beautiful? A model? Me?" Yaya says, "In comparison to other people in this competition, I definitely feel like I deserve to be recognized, and I will. But they wanted something a little bit more bubbly, and they found it." And it sounds a bit like that sentence was cobbled together with Elmer's glue, shoestrings, and a rusty nail. But I'm sure that each component was filled with the general asshattery that is Yaya, so I'm not going to take too much issue with it. Yaya leaves. Yay!
More happiness from Eva. She says that she never expected, as the "little tomboy from L.A.," to be a Cover Girl. She says she was not beautiful and never cute in school (though pictures from her youth show her to be quite adorable), and was rife with insecurity. She cries and manages to choke out, in a very Miss American fashion, "And I get to represent [gasp! sob!] all those little girls that feel the way I feel!" And that was either very genuine or incredibly fake, but it's to her credit that I'm not entirely sure which. Janice jumps on Eva, throws her legs around her, and starts to hump her. She then grasps Eva's hands and jumps up and down, and I worry that it's all a nefarious attempt to whack Eva hard enough with those silicon jugs hanging off of her chest that Eva incurs permanent brain damage and Yaya, as runner-up, must take over her duties as America's Top Model. Tyra voices over, "Eva has vitality. She has sass and spunk that make her relatable to young girls everywhere. Eva is a true cover girl." Eva says, "Tyra Banks just told me that I'm about to be a star!" Yeah, don't believe everything you hear from Tyra, little one. She says, "Watch out world, here comes Eva!" That'll do, Pigford. That'll do.
And with that, lovely readers, I must bid you adieu. Thank you so much for reading week after week and making my first recapping experience an enjoyable one. Until Cycle 4 rolls around, I hope that you will all continue to pour beer on one another's weaves, shove it in those tall bitches' face, and spit out your umeboshi on a regular basis. Keep the memories alive, everyone, and I hope I'll see you again soon.