First and foremost, as a recapper of my word, I must give a shout out to Shary Bobbins, winner of the small prize (which is, er, a shout-out) for convincingly arguing why twenty minutes of my life was not wasted in watching last week's tea ceremony. What does that have to do with modeling, I asked. Shary replied:
"Ooh ooh! I might know! Well, my co-worker told me. She's been to Japan and said that frequently, wealthy Japanese businesspersons will hire models to assist at tea ceremonies. You know, to splash around the opulence. So I guess on Top Model it was a covert form of hooker training."
I feel like I saw that on an episode of Law and Order: SVU. And now, on with the show.
Previously on America's Top Model: Yaya won her fifth challenge in a row, which caused a multitude of eye rolls. Ann "lost her love for Eva" (e.g. back to the ole' Hitachi Magic Wand for you, ladies!) and had it out with her in front of the others. In the end, it was Norelle, my little diamond in the rough, who was sent home, thus ensuring a joyless final four. Who will be eliminated ? Come on you guys, muster up some excitement.
Tokyo! Bright lights, neon signs. Ann is bitching about how, you know, she's not very much like a model. She tells Eva that it's not like her to wear pumps every day. I'm sorry, but did she just say "pumps"? Maybe she sports them on special occasions with a pair of slacks (or on casual days, dungarees) and matching pocketbook. I mean, I think saying "pumps" should mean that she's automatically eliminated. She says that it's much more "her" to wear sweatpants and a bandanna. You know, like Ami from Survivor does. Ann also says that she doesn't wear makeup unless she's going to "the bar." And you know "the bar" she's talking about is, like, The Golden Puss or some such thing. And there is a lot of Melissa Etheridge on that jukebox, is all I'm saying. Eva says that she doesn't wear makeup either, and Ann retorts, "Yeah you do, and you know damn well you put it on every day." See, Ann put Eva on the defensive with the whole Norelle thing, and now feels free to just bitch at her whenever she sees fit. I don't have any idea why Eva takes it. Eva interviews that she and Ann were close coming into the competition, but that as time progressed, they started to drift apart. Ann interviews that she and Ann will likely continue to be friends but, since the Norelle incident, it will never be the same. You know, first Ellen and Anne, then Ellen and her girlfriend, and now this. I have a dearth of good relationship models, you guys. It's depressing.
Tyra Mail! Amanda reads, "Do fashion designers inspire street style, or does street style inspire fashion designers?" Yaya says, "Go street style!" and does a little dance. It might be endearing if the entire world didn't already find her to be outlandishly despicable. The girls are dropped off at a place called "J Pop Café/Shibuya," where they meet stylist Sawa Vaughers, who proves that Tokyo street style owes more than a small debt to "Men on Film"'s Blaine Edwards. Hated it! Amanda says that Sawa is wearing a Mr. Potato Head hat, which is also a good call. Dammit, but I am liking Amanda. Anyway, Sawa Vaughers and her tiny sideways hat look insane. She tells the girls that she's going to teach them about Tokyo street fashion, and brings out some real-life Japanese girls as examples. And when Norelle said that Japan was like space...I mean, come on. She was kind of right. They sell dirty underwear and eggs in vending machines. Ann wonders if the girls forgot to look in their mirrors in the morning.
Sawa points out what makes each outfit a success. One chubby Alice in Wonderland type has frayed knee socks, which makes the look more "Lolita." I will have to remember this tip for one of the many occasions that I desire to attract pedophiles. A huge green belt is an amazing accessory. Yaya interviews with a bit of shocked bemusement that the girls were serious, and this was their everyday get-up. Sawa says that the models should use the street girls as their inspiration, and put together a look using a rack of clothes that she has for them. Ann interviews that none of the clothes fit her 5'11" frame. She bitches that Amanda took three shirts, and says to her in a snotty tone, "Do you need them all?" Dude, she's blind. She couldn't tell that there were three there! Amanda interviews that she kept offering Ann the shirts off of her back, and Ann would snit that she didn't like them and give them back. Methinks Ann just wanted to see Amanda's boobs. Ann continues to be pissy, and the other girls try to help her.
Sawa calls the girls in and critiques them hilariously. She gives Amanda kudos. She tells Yaya, "The style is really good, but...hmm...maybe you need...GIANT JEWELRY!?!" She likes Eva's schoolgirl look but tells her she could use more color. She thinks Ann (gong!) could use more accessories and color, which would make her look much better. And also like less of a dyke. Ann looks pissy and holds her arms across her chest as if she's that one girl in sixth grade who developed really quickly and, like, hates gym class. She looks awkward and mad and like her dad just doesn't know that she needs a training bra.
The girls are told that their challenge for the day is to put together a street style ensemble that will inspire the Japanese designer Milk. The theme of Milk's collection is "Babydoll Lolita," and the girls can only shop at four designated stores: Metamorphose, Closet Child, Who's a Yellow Ruby, and Maria's Closet. They are given a Tokyo City Atlas and a T-Mobile sidekick to assist them, along with 20,000 yen. They have to be at the Milk pressroom, fully dressed, by 6:00. Latecomers will be disqualified, and the winner will get to meet a very important person in the fashion industry. Sawa might be crazy, but I totally prefer her to Grimley Weinberg or Michelle the hag stylist.
Eva interviews that the task was difficult, because she had no idea where she was and had to find one or more of the four designated stores. She passes a Benetton store. Street style! Mike Figgis apparently directed the segment of this episode, in which each girl gets a quarter of the screen dedicated to her quest and a ticking counter shows us that they have three hours to go. Amanda interviews that she is legally blind (how could they wait until this late in the season to drop such a bombshell!) and couldn't see the street signs. No, sweetie, you can't read them because they're in Japanese. Poor thing, it's all blurs and stars to her unless there's glitter all over it. She says, "When you're looking for something, vision's important." That must have come to her one night as she was gazing into her crystals. She's practically Buddha reincarnate. She says that she was worried about navigating Tokyo, but figured that as long as she could find one of the four designated stores, she'd be okay. She stands to a store in which giant illustrated condoms glare at her from the window. Gong!
Amanda finds Metamorphose. As she runs up the store she goes, "Who's the woman! Yeaaaah!" She says that Metamorphose was a cool store, and that everything was of the babydoll style. And, in fact, the clerk is dressed as Little Bo Peep. She says that Amanda had better hurry, but Amanda replies that she has time because she has, in fact, completed this task in exactly thirty-three minutes. She interviews that she didn't want to get lost going to another store and end up late to Milk (thus facing disqualification), so she contented herself with the outfit from Metamorphose. And I have to say that I think this was kind of a smart strategy.
Four more seconds of Mike Figgis! Yaya goes to Maria's Closet first. She interviews that 20,000 yen doesn't go a long way in Tokyo. Ann is at one of the stores, and says that the clothes were amazing, but, "It's kind of like that whole...this is door number one. Do you want to keep this or do you want to give it up and take door number two?" And it has just occurred to me that the key to Tokyo street style is dressing like you're going on Let's Make a Deal. Be careful of door number two, Ann. It's probably that weird announcer guy in a baby outfit on a giant rocking chair. And even he will beat you in this competition, on account of how much you suck. Ann buys a capri pant/skirt combination, which cannot be good.
Eva wanders the streets and complains that the street signs in Tokyo are in -- yes, wait for it -- Japanese. The nerve! Ann and Eva independently start to ask people for directions. I don't know why they didn't think of that sooner, quite frankly. Mike Figgis switches things up and give us a dual screen. We hear Eva yell, "Banana!" and she and Ann seem genuinely glad to see each other. They run and yell exuberantly like the giddy young lovers they once were. Ann interviews that she and Eva had separated before this challenge, but that their difficulties were thrown out the window because they both needed help. They continue to race around, and it appears that Eva is kind of happy because she thinks she has her friend back. But, as well all know, Ann is off of her meds, so this is bound to end with some unpleasantness.
Amanda calmly applies makeup. She says that her strategy was a good one, because she wasn't running around Tokyo in the rain and getting hot and sweaty, and thus incurred minimal stress.
Cut to Ann and Eva, who are incurring maximal stress. They ask someone in a shop where Metamorphose is. It's right door, but they race off in the opposite direction. I blame Ann for that, on account of how she sucks. Player piano music underscores the action, as Eva points out a place called The Sad Café, where she will later be dining on a banana-less fruit bowl. They finally find Metamorphose with one hour left to go. Ann is not happy with the selection and laments the fact that she did not get more stuff at the first shop. Eva offers to take her to another store, but Ann says that they don't have time. I think that Eva actually has her whole outfit, and is just helping Ann, who is mean and ungrateful. Ann says that she just has to buy what's there and make it work. Yeah, good luck. Eva and Ann find the Milk pressroom.
With half an hour left, Yaya is finished but, as she interviews, really wants a kimono. She bought one, which she says she is proud of (it is humble and respectful like its new mother), but has to get dressed and find her final destination in ten minutes. The other three wait outside of the pressroom as Yaya races with two minutes left. The girls discuss the fact that Yaya is not there and Ann says, "Good." Amanda says that she hopes Yaya isn't standing in front of the Milk storeface (the store is closed), but that is, in fact, exactly what she's doing. The entrance to the pressroom is right to the store, but Yaya doesn't know that. Ha! She is bewildered and consults her map. Commercials.
Ann, Eva and Amanda enter the pressroom where they meet the Milk designers, who say that they expected four girls. Outside, Yaya runs around in a late fashion, because of how late she is. Late! The Milk designers are Shingo (man) and Hitomi (mannish woman). Shingo says that they will see the girls one by one. Yaya finally makes it to the pressroom. She apologizes to the designers, and Shingo sends her on her way, saying, "See you around." Ha! Take that. He says to Hitomi that the lateness is unacceptable. It appears that Little Miss "How dare you shop for shoes on the go-sees/I was here on time" has received her comeuppance. Amanda interviews that Yaya has won five challenges in a row, but now it's someone else's turn. If I may say so, Yaya's outfit sucked anyway.
Amanda models her babydoll style. Shingo and Hitomi ask how old she is and she says twenty-five, which Hitomi deems too aged. She's practically Bea Arthur in their eyes, which might also be why Hitomi is getting a craving for cheesecake on the lanai. is Ann, whose outfit looks pretty stupid. Shingo asks her to explain her look, and she tells them, "It wasn't, like, just a skirt or pants, it was kind of, like, in-between." Ah, the cutting-edge skort! I hear it goes well with a pair of pumps. Eva is , and tells the designers that she is nineteen, which Hitomi says is perfect. Methinks Hitomi wants herself some Eva-boshi, if you get my drift. The taste so sweet, you'd swear it's candy! Eva is charming when explaining the inspiration behind her outfit.
The designers deliberate, and the girls are called back in. Shingo does the talking, but it's Hitomi who apparently calls all the shots. The big winner is Eva, which I more or less suspected when I saw our intrepid designer doodling "Hitomi Pigford" on the back of her score sheet. Eva said that her strategy was finding things that don't go together and look really stupid. Good strategy, apparently. She asks, "How dumb do I look?" Shingo tells Eva that she can take one person with her, and she chooses Ann. The two smile and sway back and forth and celebrate, under the mistaken illusion that love's fresh rosebud has not withered and died. Eva interviews that she chose Ann because there was no one else that she wanted there but Ann.
At home, Yaya (who in approximately six seconds will revert to being "fucking Yaya") puts on a face mask. Not working, honey. She confessionalizes that it was a very good day, and that she thinks she did well, except for the being-late part. Um, that's kind of a big part, dumb-ass. She says, "But I did the girls a favor because my non-presence there gave someone else a chance to win." First off, Ivy League, it's called "absence." And second...fucking Yaya. I wish that she had been there on time just so she Eva could have beat her ass squarely, and with no doubts of other possible outcomes.
The girls return home, and Amanda tells Yaya that Eva won. Amanda interviews that Yaya says it isn't a big deal, but is most likely worried that her disqualification will be brought up in panel. Yaya asks whether the designers said anything about her. Amanda says with a tone of voice that implies a shoulder shrug, "No." Hee! Oh, Amanda, is kind of my new friend.
Eva and Ann arise at 6:30 AM to meet the mystery guest. They are dropped off at a very elite part of town and are introduced to famed jewelry designer Toyohiko Mikimoto. Eva interviews that she knew of Mikimoto and Ann didn't, but that, "[Ann] already made a point of [saying that] if she didn't know who a person was, she was still gonna act like she knew him. Very good, Banana, very good." Remember this for later. Eva interviews in a really cute, exited way that she figured they were going to get some jewelry. And what I really hate Ann for (besides being a general ass and tarnishing the already dubious reputation of the sapphically-inclined) is making me kind of dislike Eva, just by association. I used to enjoy her much more, but now every time she's on screen I'm just like, "Too much drama."
Eva and Ann get to try on some lovely pearl necklaces. And just take a minute here and get all the pearl necklace jokes out of your system. Mr. Mikimoto then gives them each a lovely and most likely quite valuable pearl necklace. Ann says that the necklace will last the rest of her life and remind her of the Top Model experience, and so she is grateful to Eva. She says, "We're still Ann and Eva even though we've had some...marriage problems." Yeah, I know. Ann and Eva leave the Mikimoto store and celebrate the fact that their prize is worth more than all of Yaya's put together.
Back at home, Ann shows off her prize to Amanda and Yaya. Amanda totally thinks that they have received jewelry from the famed designer Mickey Moto. Amanda asks Yaya if she's jealous. Yaya puts on mascara and says, "That they got pearls? No," in a way that indicates that she is totally, thoroughly, and endlessly jealous.
Tyra Mail! "For one of you, your future as a top model is drawing closer. Get ready to handle life in the fast lane." The girls puzzle over what this means. The Ivy League-educated Yaya guesses that they will be on a street, while Ann says that maybe it's a runway. Ann interviews that the response to her pictures has been more negative than positive, but that she's always first on the runway. Yeah, except for every time that they've done runway stuff this season and Eva won. Shut up, Ann.
The girls drive to Harajuku, where crazy cool outfits are in action on the streets. They emerge from an elevator and meet The Dowager Jay, who looks uglier than ever. He says that he has designed the upcoming shoot around a very popular Japanese street style. Ann fingers his open shirt, and he tells her not to touch. As he sends the girls to makeup, he says to Ann, "You better be lucky you still in this competition. You barely got a photograph [last week]." Oooh, burn. Ann interviews that she knows he didn't have a mean intent (which I might disagree with), but that was the last thing she needed to hear before a photo shoot. Commercials.
For the fourth week in a row, Eva has been voted Cover Girl of the Week. If you discount the 85% of the masses who still vote for Toccara, that is.
Hair and makeup. Hey, there's Danilo! Hi, buddy. Ann voices over that she feels like everyone thinks she takes awful pictures. Well, Ann the Man, according to your own logic, that's not mean at all, because it's factual. She says that when she first got to the shoot, Jay said to her offhandedly, "You're lucky you got a picture last week," which Ann took to mean that she doesn't deserve to be there. Which is exactly what he meant, and also true. She says that she was hurt by it. Oh, sensitive Ann, who hasn't previously and certainly will not in this episode exhibit any hurtful behavior towards others. Jerk.
The girls continue the trend of having crazy-ass hair and makeup to hide their outwardly un-model-like appearances. Eva asks Mathu the makeup artist whether the shoot will take place there. No one will answer. Ann says that if it's in the fast lane, it'll be on the street. Mathu says that it could be in a supermarket. And I would totally give this episode an A+ if it were a crossover with Supermarket Sweep. Oh, come on, like you wouldn't love to see Yaya chuck five thirty-pound hams into a grocery cart. The girls walk outside and see a Winnebago. Ann says, "Road Rules," and it suddenly occurs to me that if there was ever a reality show made for Ann, it is Road Rules. And I think we can all predict the trajectory of the Ann/Coral relationship on the Challenge. Danilo tells them that the RV is for hair and makeup, which obviously means that they're going somewhere.
The girls pull up to a busy Tokyo street, where they see The Dowager Jay Manuel and Miss J. Alexander, who for some reason have their nicknames captioned. Dude, if you're only just tuning into this show, I say save yourself some effort and go find a date on Planet Out or something. The Dowager Jay looks asinine, per usual. He tells the girls that they are dressed up as Harajuku Japanime girls. The girls have crazy colored wigs on. Well, all except for Amanda, who has her "regular" hair. Jay tells them that this is how the Harajuku girls really dress, except that they are constantly following Gwen Stefani around. And by the way, Gwen Stefani...please stop. You're getting embarrassing.
The girls have to pose with a motorcycle and look like they're in motion. The Jays note that we are down to the final four, so this shoot is very important. Miss J. tells Ann that he has been on her butt, aadding, "I have a habit of throwing you a kitchen sink and you never throw me back a bathtub. You throw me back, like, bathwater, splash, ooh!" Which...what? Is that an actual saying? Is he speaking Japanese? Does this have something to do with the bonsai butterfly? Ann is upset that J. singled her out for a critique, even one as cryptic as that. Honey, he's telling you to step it up or you're going home.
Amanda has on a plastic pink outfit, and black and white striped tights. Her blonde hair is in two ponytails. She interviews that she expected to get a crazy picture, what with the motorcycle riding and all. And I think that my hatred of Amanda has officially transformed into like. There, I said it. I like Amanda. This is a confusing time for me. She may be old and blind, and fond of telling everyone how blind she is, but everyone else is so freaking irritating that I kind of hope she wins. And now I have lost all of my recapping integrity. Sigh. I am so fired. ["No, no. I'm not mad. I'm just very disappointed in you." -- Wing Chun]
Takashi Miesaki is the photographer. Amanda poses, and Jay tells her to have more movement. He tells her to "feel" the Harajuku girls, who don't care about anything. After the shoot, he interviews that Amanda got the shoot, and the feel of Harajuku.
Yaya is . Miss J. tells her, "We don't want educated models, we want clever models." He says that he knows she's smart, but that she can leave her education behind. Yaya says that she's proud to be an educated black woman and, "Whatever." Yaya has many ideas of how to pose on the motorcycle, but complains that the photographer was clicking too quickly. She interviews, "Well, the Tyra Mail did say something about life on the fast lane, but I didn't know that that was going to play into the...mode of photography." And she treats the mode of photography like it is dookie. Yaya, apologize to the mode of photography. She asks the photographer to hold on and almost falls off the bike. Jay says that Yaya keeps giving attitude, and that he is slowly growing to dislike her. "Slowly"? Girl, please. When it comes to Yaya there is only the sharp pang of hot, burning hatred.
Eva Diva straddles the bike. Jay tells her that she's bobbing her head, which, coincidentally, is one of his areas of expertise. Eva says that it's difficult to work a motorcycle, and that you have to "find your angle, and just what makes you look longer stronger, taller, fierce...it's kind of difficult trying to keep it all together." And this, I think, is why Eva does take consistently good pictures: she's aware of what her body is doing in the context of the shot. Jay tells her that she needs to pull it out, and be less coy and "more...grrr." And that, my friends, is the extent of his skill as art director. "More...grrr." Please, someone, fire him. He says that Eva tries hard, and that he loves her personality, but that she was flat in the shoot.
And then, Ann. She's kind of dressed like a crackhead Dutch schoolboy. She is a broken shell of an already broken shell. She has no energy and no confidence. And, of course, The Dowager doesn't help. He sighs at her. He tells her that she has an amazing background and looks incredible, and that they are down to the final four. Ann starts to cry and says she feels like she doesn't deserve to be there, and that every time someone says something, she feels worse. Jay asks if she has some kind of reference for her look and setting, and asks if she has, at the very least, seen The Matrix. Ann stares blankly. Jay says that every time he comes up with a visual reference for Ann, she doesn't get it. And his two references have been The Matrix and My Fair Lady. In all fairness, I think the problem might be that his references have nothing to do with the shoots, and therefore generate bewilderment. Jay continues to yell at Ann, and tells her to hate him to generate some passion. She says that she doesn't hate him, and that she loves him, which I think might be a stretch. Jay says that Ann can't rely on someone provoking her constantly to eke out a good picture. As she walks off with the Jays, Ann says that she sucks. She interviews that she thinks that others want to help her but are giving up hope, and that she's giving up on herself as well.
The day. An orange-headed invader slinks its way into the girls' abode. Oh wait, it's just Tyra. And it just occurred to me that maybe the reason Norelle thought that Japan was like space is because Tyra is so ubiquitous. Tyra calls the girls together and tells them that when she started to travel the world, she got very homesick, so her mom started traveling with her. Anyone who thinks that sounds like a fun time, raise your hands. Yeah, I thought so. And I love my mom, but seriously. Tyra says that her mom is there today, and the girls all go, "Awwwwwwwwww!" And I go, "Ewwwwwwwww!" Tyra's mom kind of looks like Simpson from Ashford & Simpson. Or is it Ashford? Yaya says there's something about a mommy that makes you feel like everything's okay. Yeah, tell it to Christina Crawford. Tyra says that instead of a one-on-one talk, they'll have a "two-on-one." Just...argh.
Amanda is first. She says that she's sad because she bought a kimono and a necklace when her family needs money. Amanda must seriously be po', since this is the second time she mentioned it. Jah Wolf needs diapers! He has the croup! Ma, call for Doc! Tyra's mom says that women want to do everything for everyone, and always place themselves last. And as a blanket statement, I'm not entirely confident that that is true. Tyra's mom says that you can't help everyone else until you help yourself first. So, Cassie, keep working the pole and throwing up your lunch until Tyra has helped herself. No, she's still not done yet. Actually, it might be a while.
Then, fucking Yaya. She says that this is a stressful time, and starts to tear up. She says that she wants to make sure that she's seen for who she is, and that wanting to be a model, she might get written off as just a pretty girl. She says, "Yeah, but I also write really well, and I also do all these other things." And also, asshole. If I were Yaya, I might rethink that "seen for who I am" bit. Tyra's mom tells her that she doesn't need to advertise her intelligence, because it shines through on its own. Yaya says that she understands completely. Well of course she does, because she's so intelligent! She understands things really well.
Eva is , and is already crying. Tyra says that Eva started out being the negative girl, and we have a flashback to the semifinals in L.A., when Tyra smacked Eva down. And Eva really looked so much better then. The makeovers this year kind of sucked. Eva says that she feels misunderstood, and that people's interpretations of what she says don't match up with her intentions. She is visibly upset. Tyra's mom says that the hardest thing for most human beings is to look inward. Eva says that she's been through a lot, personally and emotionally, and is constantly struggling to build herself up and make herself a better person, but not tear other people down at the same time. Hmm, I do wonder about her backstory. Tyra tells Eva to check herself before she starts to throw daggers at others. Tyra's mom fans herself. She looks like a stuffed sausage.
Tyra says to Ann, "Let's talk about you as a model." Ann says that she broke down at the last shoot, and that it really hurt her that people said that she should have gone home. Tyra's mom says that she's going into an industry that is about constant criticism, and that she needs to get a thick skin. Tyra says that Ann is still here, and that it's up to her to...Ann completes her sentence by saying "work it." Wow, that moment was so powerful that my well of tears is overflowing. Not. Commercials.
And now it's time for an all new Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week, starring a small orange man and a horsy foreign model.
[The setting is a salon. Techno music typically found in any gay disco underscores the action.]
Horsy Foreign Model: [with incredible enthusiasm] Hey, Jay, what's new in nails?!?
Small Orange Man: [as if he has just invented sliced bread] How about the end of the three-step manicure?
HFM: [with incredible disgust] Yeah! Who has time for base coat, color, top coat too?!?
SOM: [thinking, "My career has really taken off"] Cover Girl's thoughts exactly. Check out their new continuous color nail polish!
HFM: [with incredible flatness] Ooh, so many shades to choose from.
SOM: [pretending to have a well-developed sense of irony] Try forty. But who's counting?
HFM: [sassily] Give me that one. I have a party to go to!
SOM: [sassily] Can I come?
HFM: [sassily] But you don't know anybody!
SOM: [sassily, and also kind of creepily] Oh, but I will.
For the love of God, somebody please fire Jay. He is the worst, and is really starting to freak me out.
Back in Tokyo, Tyra takes the girls to dinner with her "Japanese family," who are the ex-wife of her brother, her niece, and various other relatives not worth official introductions. Tyra's niece is cute and she likes steak. Amanda says that it's good to have family around, even if it's not your own. And, sometimes, especially if it's not your own.
The girls arrive home and find Tyra Mail. And you know, they just saw her so she totally could have just told them. Someone will be eliminated. Amanda interviews that the further they go, the more surreal things get. Yeah, tell it to Adrianne. And I must now take a moment to pause and note that apparently our very own Season 1 winner, Adrianne Curry, gets a little hot and heavy with Peter Brady on the upcoming season of The Surreal Life. My brain is totally about to explode. Amanda interviews that she can't believe she might make it to the top three, and says with a lisp that it's "abtholutely ludicrith." Yaya interviews that at this point, all four of the girls have "it" or can get "it." Which, translated into non-Ivy League speak, means that none of them have a prayer of actually being a model. Ann confides in Eva that she feels like she doesn't deserve to be there because of the way the judges pick her apart. Eva interviews that she hopes that Ann has a good photo in her, because she doesn't want Ann to go home. Eva, you are being too nice.
Judging panel. It is time for the eleventh cut. Tyra has some crazy eye makeup on which makes her forehead look even larger, and her face more alienesque. There are prizes, and judges. Janice looks really good, and Nolé's soul patch seems more pronounced than ever. He also looks a little...stern. Shingo and Hitomi are the dynamic duo of guest judges. Hitomi is seriously like a Japanese version of Martina Navratilova. They will administer the girls' test, which is to -- once again -- put together an ensemble that demonstrates their own personal street style.
Yaya is first. She looks like a hooker. Tyra likes it, of course. I'm sorry, but hot pants don't look good on anyone. They make Yaya's legs look huge. Shingo says that Yaya looks good, but that he was disappointed that she showed up late at the go-see. Janice's mouth drops and she says, "You cannot be late in Japan. Or in New York. Or Paris." Yaya tries to explain that she got lost and Janice says, "Yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn." The judges look at Yaya's photo. Janice says that the hair and makeup is great, which I believe she also said last week. Nigel says that Yaya has a very muscular body and that her arms and legs look chunky. Janice gives the hair and makeup a ten, but the body and pose a two.
Amanda is . Hitomi says that she should push down her knee socks and take off her belt, while Janice instructs her to take off two layers of tank tops. Tyra says that her legs look hip and sexy and cute. This is like a women's prison movie. Get out the hose! The judges love Amanda's photo, and Nigel says she looks like a perfect Barbie anime doll.
And then, Ann. Sad music plays. Ann is wearing an ugly skirt that she's worn to panel before, and that Janice hates. Nigel says that Ann looks like she's fast asleep or bored. Nolé pleads with her to show some emotion, and Nigel says that he knows the criticism is hard, but that she needs to appear more alert and on top of things. Janice loves Ann's pose in her photo, but says that the hair and makeup are wearing her. Nigel agrees that the shot is not good enough. Janice leans against Nigel and asks Ann how she felt while she was being photographed. Ann starts to say that it was exciting, and Janice says that she hears what Ann is saying, that but there's no emotion or energy behind it. Tyra asks Ann to name her favorite actress and singer, and Ann can't even pull one name out of the air, which is kind of pathetic. Tyra says that maybe Ann's problem is that she has no inspiration to draw on, which is kind of a weird argument, probably because she got the idea from Jay. Ann cries, "We can't go to the library, we can't watch movies, we can't do this..." The library? Is she serious? Nolé is glad that Ann is finally showing some passion, and Nigel says that he can't believe she doesn't have references that predate her appearance on the show. Nolé asks Ann if sports are her passion, and she says that modeling is her passion, and if it wasn't, she wouldn't have wasted everyone's time. Yes she would have, because she's just like that. She cries. Hitomi says that Ann's sad tears are beautiful. Guess she didn't get the memo about going home and crying to your mama.
Finally, Eva. Nolé says that her outfit is not happening. Tyra says that it would be better if Eva's knee-length denim shorts were shorter. Janice says, "Can we get some scissors? Let's just hack up those shorts." And Hitomi is seriously all over that. She pulls up Eva's shorts with glee. Janice yells, "That's the difference!" Eva, leave Ann! Your future as Hitomi and Janice's housegirl is so much brighter. The judges are underwhelmed by Eva's photo.
While the judges deliberate, we get some rare holding-room footage. Ann interviews that once they left the judging room, she figured there was no chance in hell that she would be staying. She paces nervously and then begins to rant to the other girls about the judges' questions about her favorites. At the question of favorite band she says, "Okay, like, what, Motley Crue?" HA! I would have totally given twenty thousand yen to hear Ann tell Janice Dickinson that her favorite band is Motley Crue. I wonder if she wears pumps to their concerts, or while she's checking out their new 8-track at the library's listening room. Ann continues, "Do they want me to just rattle off things?" To which Yaya says, "Yes." Ann says, "Half the time that's not even real. People say it and they don't really mean it." Yaya says, "So what." Why am I...because I'm vocal and honest about it and I don't try to lie" -- and here she points at Eva, who seems to just be sitting there quietly, "like YOU do." Yeah, tell it to Mickey Moto. Eva tries to call Ann out on it and interviews that she thinks she is a sincere person. Ann says to Eva, "Stop yelling, we're not having this conversation because you can't have a conversation without being defensive." If I had beer, I would totally pour it on Ann's weave. Three words: stink, stank, stunk. Yaya and Amanda comfort Ann while Eva sits alone on the other side of the room. In a tearful interview, Eva says that even though they're in competition, she prays for Ann and hopes that she does well. And that might have been a little staged. I still think Ann is a rat bastard, though.
The judges deliberate. Yaya's photo gets mixed reviews. Janice loves Amanda and thinks that Amanda reeks of a model. Nigel thinks that Amanda doesn't have it. Janice thinks he is wrong. Ann sucks. Tyra says that Ann doesn't realize that modeling is hard work that requires research. Hey, I do tons of research while waiting in line to pay for my groceries. Can I be a model now? Nolé says that Eva has done much better in other shoots. Hitomi says, "I think...best photo." HA! Nolé gives a look of mild disgust. Nigel enjoys Eva's personality. Tyra says that Eva looks like a model when she is dressed perfectly, but that a model should look good in a paper sack. Or, as the case may be, in Hitomi's arms.
The girls return. Tyra tells them that the judges don't think that any of them has what it takes to be America's Top Model, and that they'd better step up. Oooh, burn. The first name that Tyra calls is Amanda's. She asks Amanda to critique herself, and Amanda rightly parrots the judges' complaint that she has to work on her presence in person. The called is Yaya, who says that it's important for a top model to be likable by everybody. Ann and Eva have a showdown in the final two. Tyra says that anything negative Eva talks about is blamed on others, and that she needs to look inside, as Tyra's momma told her. I wish that I could have seen Janice's reaction to that. Also, I agree with the forum posters who said that it's not fair to bring up stuff from their private chats as fodder for judging. Ann just sucks. Eva gets the photo. Goodbye, Ann the Man!
Ann gives the judge a kiss-off goodbye, and showily goes to hug Amanda and Yaya while Eva stands to the side. She blows the judges another kiss and breezes right past Eva. We hear Eva say, "Banana," but it's totally edited in because her lips really aren't moving as she watches Ann leave. Still, her face is really sad. Ann interviews that Eva had been her best friend during the competition, but that lately there's been tension between them. She says that Eva will probably be sad that Ann didn't hug her goodbye, but that if Eva lets that affect their friendship, then it wasn't meant to be a friendship in the first place. She writes Eva a note that begins, "Sorry I didn't say goodbye properly but I still think we have a lot to talk about..." and then her hand obscures the rest. Ann cries that she's sick of going in front of the panel, and that it's become increasingly hard. We see her portfolio, which, with a few exceptions, is pretty bad. Two words: unbalanced load. Eva, you're better off without her.
Coming up on America's Top Model: The finale! The girls do a shoot for Cover Girl, and the final two strut their stuff in a Tokyo fashion show. Is there any way that Toccara can still win this? Rats.