First and foremost, as a recapper of my word, I must give a shout out to Shary Bobbins, winner of the small prize (which is, er, a shout-out) for convincingly arguing why twenty minutes of my life was not wasted in watching last week's tea ceremony. What does that have to do with modeling, I asked. Shary replied:
"Ooh ooh! I might know! Well, my co-worker told me. She's been to Japan and said that frequently, wealthy Japanese businesspersons will hire models to assist at tea ceremonies. You know, to splash around the opulence. So I guess on Top Model it was a covert form of hooker training."
I feel like I saw that on an episode of Law and Order: SVU. And now, on with the show.
Previously on America's Top Model: Yaya won her fifth challenge in a row, which caused a multitude of eye rolls. Ann "lost her love for Eva" (e.g. back to the ole' Hitachi Magic Wand for you, ladies!) and had it out with her in front of the others. In the end, it was Norelle, my little diamond in the rough, who was sent home, thus ensuring a joyless final four. Who will be eliminated ? Come on you guys, muster up some excitement.
Tokyo! Bright lights, neon signs. Ann is bitching about how, you know, she's not very much like a model. She tells Eva that it's not like her to wear pumps every day. I'm sorry, but did she just say "pumps"? Maybe she sports them on special occasions with a pair of slacks (or on casual days, dungarees) and matching pocketbook. I mean, I think saying "pumps" should mean that she's automatically eliminated. She says that it's much more "her" to wear sweatpants and a bandanna. You know, like Ami from Survivor does. Ann also says that she doesn't wear makeup unless she's going to "the bar." And you know "the bar" she's talking about is, like, The Golden Puss or some such thing. And there is a lot of Melissa Etheridge on that jukebox, is all I'm saying. Eva says that she doesn't wear makeup either, and Ann retorts, "Yeah you do, and you know damn well you put it on every day." See, Ann put Eva on the defensive with the whole Norelle thing, and now feels free to just bitch at her whenever she sees fit. I don't have any idea why Eva takes it. Eva interviews that she and Ann were close coming into the competition, but that as time progressed, they started to drift apart. Ann interviews that she and Ann will likely continue to be friends but, since the Norelle incident, it will never be the same. You know, first Ellen and Anne, then Ellen and her girlfriend, and now this. I have a dearth of good relationship models, you guys. It's depressing.
“ Sawa's going to teach them about Tokyo street fashion, and brings out some real-life Japanese girls as examples. And when Norelle said that Japan was like space... I mean, come on. She was kind of right. They sell dirty underwear and eggs in vending machines. ”
Tyra Mail! Amanda reads, "Do fashion designers inspire street style, or does street style inspire fashion designers?" Yaya says, "Go street style!" and does a little dance. It might be endearing if the entire world didn't already find her to be outlandishly despicable. The girls are dropped off at a place called "J Pop Caf/Shibuya," where they meet stylist Sawa Vaughers, who proves that Tokyo street style owes more than a small debt to "Men on Film"'s Blaine Edwards. Hated it! Amanda says that Sawa is wearing a Mr. Potato Head hat, which is also a good call. Dammit, but I am liking Amanda. Anyway, Sawa Vaughers and her tiny sideways hat look insane. She tells the girls that she's going to teach them about Tokyo street fashion, and brings out some real-life Japanese girls as examples. And when Norelle said that Japan was like space...I mean, come on. She was kind of right. They sell dirty underwear and eggs in vending machines. Ann wonders if the girls forgot to look in their mirrors in the morning.
Sawa points out what makes each outfit a success. One chubby Alice in Wonderland type has frayed knee socks, which makes the look more "Lolita." I will have to remember this tip for one of the many occasions that I desire to attract pedophiles. A huge green belt is an amazing accessory. Yaya interviews with a bit of shocked bemusement that the girls were serious, and this was their everyday get-up. Sawa says that the models should use the street girls as their inspiration, and put together a look using a rack of clothes that she has for them. Ann interviews that none of the clothes fit her 5'11" frame. She bitches that Amanda took three shirts, and says to her in a snotty tone, "Do you need them all?" Dude, she's blind. She couldn't tell that there were three there! Amanda interviews that she kept offering Ann the shirts off of her back, and Ann would snit that she didn't like them and give them back. Methinks Ann just wanted to see Amanda's boobs. Ann continues to be pissy, and the other girls try to help her.
Sawa calls the girls in and critiques them hilariously. She gives Amanda kudos. She tells Yaya, "The style is really good, but...hmm...maybe you need...GIANT JEWELRY!?!" She likes Eva's schoolgirl look but tells her she could use more color. She thinks Ann (gong!) could use more accessories and color, which would make her look much better. And also like less of a dyke. Ann looks pissy and holds her arms across her chest as if she's that one girl in sixth grade who developed really quickly and, like, hates gym class. She looks awkward and mad and like her dad just doesn't know that she needs a training bra.
“ Janice says, 'Can we get some scissors? Let's just hack up those shorts.' And Hitomi is seriously all over that. She pulls up Eva's shorts with glee. Janice yells, 'That's the difference!' Eva, leave Ann! Your future as Hitomi and Janice's housegirl is so much brighter. ”
Amanda is . Hitomi says that she should push down her knee socks and take off her belt, while Janice instructs her to take off two layers of tank tops. Tyra says that her legs look hip and sexy and cute. This is like a women's prison movie. Get out the hose! The judges love Amanda's photo, and Nigel says she looks like a perfect Barbie anime doll.
And then, Ann. Sad music plays. Ann is wearing an ugly skirt that she's worn to panel before, and that Janice hates. Nigel says that Ann looks like she's fast asleep or bored. Nol pleads with her to show some emotion, and Nigel says that he knows the criticism is hard, but that she needs to appear more alert and on top of things. Janice loves Ann's pose in her photo, but says that the hair and makeup are wearing her. Nigel agrees that the shot is not good enough. Janice leans against Nigel and asks Ann how she felt while she was being photographed. Ann starts to say that it was exciting, and Janice says that she hears what Ann is saying, that but there's no emotion or energy behind it. Tyra asks Ann to name her favorite actress and singer, and Ann can't even pull one name out of the air, which is kind of pathetic. Tyra says that maybe Ann's problem is that she has no inspiration to draw on, which is kind of a weird argument, probably because she got the idea from Jay. Ann cries, "We can't go to the library, we can't watch movies, we can't do this..." The library? Is she serious? Nol is glad that Ann is finally showing some passion, and Nigel says that he can't believe she doesn't have references that predate her appearance on the show. Nol asks Ann if sports are her passion, and she says that modeling is her passion, and if it wasn't, she wouldn't have wasted everyone's time. Yes she would have, because she's just like that. She cries. Hitomi says that Ann's sad tears are beautiful. Guess she didn't get the memo about going home and crying to your mama.
Finally, Eva. Nol says that her outfit is not happening. Tyra says that it would be better if Eva's knee-length denim shorts were shorter. Janice says, "Can we get some scissors? Let's just hack up those shorts." And Hitomi is seriously all over that. She pulls up Eva's shorts with glee. Janice yells, "That's the difference!" Eva, leave Ann! Your future as Hitomi and Janice's housegirl is so much brighter. The judges are underwhelmed by Eva's photo.
While the judges deliberate, we get some rare holding-room footage. Ann interviews that once they left the judging room, she figured there was no chance in hell that she would be staying. She paces nervously and then begins to rant to the other girls about the judges' questions about her favorites. At the question of favorite band she says, "Okay, like, what, Motley Crue?" HA! I would have totally given twenty thousand yen to hear Ann tell Janice Dickinson that her favorite band is Motley Crue. I wonder if she wears pumps to their concerts, or while she's checking out their new 8-track at the library's listening room. Ann continues, "Do they want me to just rattle off things?" To which Yaya says, "Yes." Ann says, "Half the time that's not even real. People say it and they don't really mean it." Yaya says, "So what." Why am I...because I'm vocal and honest about it and I don't try to lie" -- and here she points at Eva, who seems to just be sitting there quietly, "like YOU do." Yeah, tell it to Mickey Moto. Eva tries to call Ann out on it and interviews that she thinks she is a sincere person. Ann says to Eva, "Stop yelling, we're not having this conversation because you can't have a conversation without being defensive." If I had beer, I would totally pour it on Ann's weave. Three words: stink, stank, stunk. Yaya and Amanda comfort Ann while Eva sits alone on the other side of the room. In a tearful interview, Eva says that even though they're in competition, she prays for Ann and hopes that she does well. And that might have been a little staged. I still think Ann is a rat bastard, though.
The judges deliberate. Yaya's photo gets mixed reviews. Janice loves Amanda and thinks that Amanda reeks of a model. Nigel thinks that Amanda doesn't have it. Janice thinks he is wrong. Ann sucks. Tyra says that Ann doesn't realize that modeling is hard work that requires research. Hey, I do tons of research while waiting in line to pay for my groceries. Can I be a model now? Nol says that Eva has done much better in other shoots. Hitomi says, "I think...best photo." HA! Nol gives a look of mild disgust. Nigel enjoys Eva's personality. Tyra says that Eva looks like a model when she is dressed perfectly, but that a model should look good in a paper sack. Or, as the case may be, in Hitomi's arms.
The girls return. Tyra tells them that the judges don't think that any of them has what it takes to be America's Top Model, and that they'd better step up. Oooh, burn. The first name that Tyra calls is Amanda's. She asks Amanda to critique herself, and Amanda rightly parrots the judges' complaint that she has to work on her presence in person. The called is Yaya, who says that it's important for a top model to be likable by everybody. Ann and Eva have a showdown in the final two. Tyra says that anything negative Eva talks about is blamed on others, and that she needs to look inside, as Tyra's momma told her. I wish that I could have seen Janice's reaction to that. Also, I agree with the forum posters who said that it's not fair to bring up stuff from their private chats as fodder for judging. Ann just sucks. Eva gets the photo. Goodbye, Ann the Man!
Ann gives the judge a kiss-off goodbye, and showily goes to hug Amanda and Yaya while Eva stands to the side. She blows the judges another kiss and breezes right past Eva. We hear Eva say, "Banana," but it's totally edited in because her lips really aren't moving as she watches Ann leave. Still, her face is really sad. Ann interviews that Eva had been her best friend during the competition, but that lately there's been tension between them. She says that Eva will probably be sad that Ann didn't hug her goodbye, but that if Eva lets that affect their friendship, then it wasn't meant to be a friendship in the first place. She writes Eva a note that begins, "Sorry I didn't say goodbye properly but I still think we have a lot to talk about..." and then her hand obscures the rest. Ann cries that she's sick of going in front of the panel, and that it's become increasingly hard. We see her portfolio, which, with a few exceptions, is pretty bad. Two words: unbalanced load. Eva, you're better off without her.
Coming up on America's Top Model: The finale! The girls do a shoot for Cover Girl, and the final two strut their stuff in a Tokyo fashion show. Is there any way that Toccara can still win this? Rats.