Previously on America's Top Model: the girls went to Tokyo, where they were forced to do a soup commercial in Japanese. Ann did surprisingly well, and Eva did surprisingly poorly. She lashed out after her performance, wishing ill on others (Norelle), pissing off some people (Ann). Nicole was sent home. Wait, I can't believe they didn't even mention the umeboshi! Which, by the way, I think I am addicted to.
Tokyo! It's New York to the tenth power! But right now, it's quiet. The girls sleep in the capsule hotel. Amanda dries her skanky hair in the communal bathroom. She says that the Fontaine Akasaka capsule hotel is very low-rent. And if anyone would know about low-rent, it is, indeed, Amanda. Koko, the girls' Japanese guide, wakes the girls up with some Tyra Mail. And how awesome would it have been if it were Koko the gorilla? Except then the Tyra Mail would have been turned into a tool for collecting grubs and hailed as a significant anthropological discovery. And Koko would have to try to communicate with the girls via sign language, and Ann would get very offended when Koko asked for a banana. And then Koko and Norelle would both have to sit at a typewriter indefinitely to see who could produce Hamlet first. And then Koko, having won that task by a wide margin (and thrown in the sonnets, to boot), would decide that she much prefers the company of kittens to these idiots and leave them to their own devices, which is probably why someone gets lost on the streets of Tokyo week. ["Koko. That chimp's all right." -- Wing Chun]
Amanda is apparently the early riser of the group, since all of the other girls are super-sleepy. Yaya reads the Tyra Mail, which says, "Hope you enjoyed your cozy beds, but now it's time to stretch your legs. Pack your bags and get ready to go, at 11:00 a new home you'll know." Eva says "thank goodness" for this bit of news, because the girls expected something a bit more posh than the capsule hotel in Tokyo. Eva affectionately rubs a sleeping Ann's hair, and maybe is holding her hand a little, too. Norelle (who looks like she sleeps in the nude) bumps her head on the top of her capsule.
Yaya -- who does not look like a prize when she wakes up, let me tell you -- gathers her belongings from her locker. She interviews that, during panel, the other girls' critique had to do with performance, and hers had to do with character. That's because you're an asshole, you jerk. We get a flashback of Tyra advising Yaya to eat herself some humble pie. Yaya says, "I know who I am and I know what kind of reputation I have, but I didn't show that to you here. So I'm going to take that and I'm going to swallow it, thank you." You know, the other day I was in my car flipping through the radio, and I happened to come across the travesty that is Billy Gilman singing "Sleigh Ride," and I had this immediate visceral reaction of just wanting to fly through the airwaves, grab him by the neck, rip out his vocal chords with my bare hands and then strangle him with them. And then it occurred to me that Yaya makes me have the exact same reaction. I'm just saying.
Norelle says that she's surprised to have made it to the top five. "Holy crap," Norelle says, and I think that's kind of become her catchphrase. It has none of the subtlety of "What you talkin' bout, Willis?" but does have kind of a nice ring to it. Eva says that girls keep getting picked off, and that she's going to give all of her effort and energy during the competition. Ann says that she's surprised at the way her relationship with Eva has changed. It went very fast, because the two immediately clicked. Here we have flashbacks of the two during semifinals toasting to their ultimate fate as the final two, and of Ann freaking out and telling Eva that she'll be in her wedding (as the groom). See, it's the trajectory of the typical lesbian relationship. You meet at an Indigo Girls concert, fighting for the last Amstel Light at the bar. Something clicks, and the day the U-Haul is packed and you're sharing a one-bedroom with five cats between you. Then David Crosby gives you his sperm, and all seems well until one of you realizes that she's not really gay, or sleeps with her soft butch security-guard ex, or wanders the Hollywood Hills high on ecstasy. That's about where Ann and Eva are right now.
Ann says that, contrary to what some people might think, she is not in Eva's shadow. She also says that her opinion of Eva has changed drastically. Here we see Eva freaking out after the soup commercial and hoping that Norelle bites it. Ann adds, "It's really annoying when you know she's gonna take a good picture, you know she's gonna do well, and I have absolutely terrible pictures." And that, I must say, sounds like a bit of jealousy.
In the van to their assignment, Eva makes small talk with Koko while the other girls sport looks of utter tedium. Ann has her arm all kinds of around Norelle. Amanda interviews that a lot of people in the house don't want to be around Eva, and that, given the rules of mob mentality and human nature and competition, the house has to have a target. Ann says that now she sees how Eva fakes being nice, and she knows that people don't buy into it. Ann seriously needs to chill the fuck out.
The girls enter their new Japanese home, which is awesome. Eva says that the quiet and serene atmosphere calls for a calmer personality, and that she's been more relaxed and quiet in this environment. The girls must share two rooms, so Pink Positive stays together while Amanda and Yaya take the other room. Amanda and Yaya give each other a big hug, and Yaya says that the two of them emulate Japanese style. Kumeo Koike, their homestay owner, gives them tea and a Japanese sweet made of beans. Norelle says that she doesn't understand Japanese food, and that if she ever eats Japanese food, it's Panda Express. Which, kind of not the same thing. Mr. Koike tells the girls that they have to go to their first lesson in Tokyo, and Ann repeats, "'Resson'?" And I cracked up at this, because I am evil. He tells them not to be rate. The girls and Mr. Koike do a mutual bow, and Yaya says something in Japanese.
The girls enter a tea house, where they meet their instructor, Yoko Takahasi. And how awesome would it have been if it were Yoko Ono? She would have given the lesson with a series of high-pitched "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"s, and then doused their naked bodies in honeyed tea, demanded that they be absolutely still, and filmed them for six hours while delighting in the flies that feasted on them. And believe me, six hours of fly-covered naked models would have seemed like warp-speed excitement compared to the forthcoming segment on the tea ceremony.
Amanda says that a top model must be respectful of the culture she is in, that the tea ceremony has been in existence for thousands of years, and that it doesn't get any better than that. I think it's only been around for so many years because it takes so freaking long to do. It's like an ancient sage wrote, "500 tea ceremonies will bring true enlightenment to the earth," but after 3,000 years they're only on number 25. Imagine how cold that tea must get. Maybe that's how iced tea was invented. Norelle says that Japan, and Japanese anything, is like space. She means like outer space, not the space between her ears. Yoko teaches the girls how to enter the tea room, and Norelle accurately observes, "Opening a sliding door in Japan seriously takes five minutes." There are all kinds of rules about eating the sweets, and what order you go in, and what you do with your utensils afterward (and it looks like you put them in your kimono -- I knew that there had to be something hidden in those big-ass sleeves!). It is very rude just to bite the sweets, apparently. And it is this point which perhaps caused the initial rift between Ann and Eva.
Amanda says that she has a sense of otherworldliness and calm about her (chalk it up to the crystals, my friends), but that the other girls aren't so much absorbing the Japanese culture. While Yoko describes what to do with the tea bowl, I paint an exact reproduction of the Mona Lisa, re-learn calculus, and take a short nap. Snooooore. Can't they, like, use the powers of CGI to add the Dormouse to the gathering?
And then, fucking Yaya. She says that Norelle seems to have an aversion to anything foreign. She adds, "I travel the world and people tell me all the time how respectful I am, and how humble a person I am." Is she being sarcastic? First of all, who starts any sentence with, "I travel the world"? It's okay if you're, like, Ernest Hemingway or Jane Goodall or, perhaps, the rebel billionaire, but that's about it. And I am so sure that people (other than her obviously delusional family) tell her all the time how great she is. She can barely even walk down the street, what with all strangers remarking on her remarkable humility! ["Yeah, I would think that an Ivy League graduate would be able to appreciate the irony of someone bragging about how humble she is." -- Wing Chun] Meanwhile, I'm willing to bet that Yaya gets quite a different earful from passersby these days. Also? Umeboshi.
Ann and Eva have a weird little moment about who bows down and says what to whom. Eva interviews that whenever Ann does poorly, she gets mad at Eva. Eva says that she doesn't want to say that it's jealousy, but that Ann is frustrated at her own performance and is taking it out on Eva.
Yoko says, "We make much of each tea party because it is the only opportunity to experience that tea gathering." And then Amanda tears up, and she interviews, "With my blindness, I appreciate every sunrise, butterfly, the dew drop on a petal." And how great would it be if everything went into crazy cartoon land like in the middle of Xanadu, and Amanda was floating around on a magical rosebud with her boyfriend who had turned into a fish wearing a jacket? Amanda was very moved by what Yoko said, apparently, and says that the uniqueness of each moment is a beautiful thing. Eva says that she had great respect for learning the Japanese rituals, but that Amanda might have been a little over-the-top with the crying and whatnot. And I mean, come on. Norelle says that Japan is the most difficult place she's ever been. The lesson finally ends, and the girls bow to Yoko. Yaya says that Japanese thing again.
It's early morning at the house. Eva says that, at this point in the competition, everyone is stressed out and tired. The girls discuss wanting sausage and eggs, and pancakes. The girls receive Tyra Mail which says, "There's much to learn surrounding these three," and features the three Japanese characters for "Mystic tea ceremony." Ah, so during the challenge footage, I can prepare a three-course meal and draft my own manifesto. Good to know. Yaya says that she's feeling confident (not to mention humble) because she's winning all of the challenges. Ann says that everyone thought she'd be gone a long time ago (yeah, no kidding), but that she's going to stay longer than Eva and enact her vengeance. Amanda looks at a phrasebook in the van and reads something in Japanese, which means, "I am blind." She says, "Yay! All right, I need to remember this." Heh. Norelle asks if her ponytails look retarded, and says that at this point in the competition, any little mistake (including, apparently, retarded-looking ponytails) will send you home, and you really have to give it your all. Commercials.
Eva has once again been voted Cover Girl of the Week.
Yoko Takahashi and her giant glasses welcome the girls to their challenge, which has to do with -- you guessed it -- the tea ceremony. Are you kidding me? First of all, I have already watched ten minutes of tea ceremony. Even Earl Gray himself is like, "Dude, this shit is dull." And secondly, if anyone can give me a convincing rationale about what this has to do with modeling, I will give them a small prize. The famous Japanese designer Kyoko Higha provided kimonos for the girls to wear in the challenge. The winner and a friend will get to relax in Japanese hot springs.
The girls are outfitted in their lovely kimonos. Amanda says that she will be approaching the tea ceremony with a lot of reverence. She is so queer. Norelle says that both Amanda and Yaya are taking the competition very seriously and actually bothered to remember things. Norelle herself uses the handy mnemonic device of "old socks and bikinis" to remember the greeting, "Osakini." See, I think that's totally charming. Eva says that the girls are all dressed up and ready to be thrown to the lions. Oooh! Another lion reference. Maybe the girls will be watching The Lion in Winter or cheering on Detroit's football team later in the episode, just to drive the point home.
Four tea-ceremony experts will be judging the girls. Eva says that they were very proper and upright. Yoko tells us that Eva made a mistake with the bowl or something. Eva interviews that the tea was green and frothy with little bits in it. Mmm, bits. Ann sits on a black line and drinks the wrong way out of the bowl. I don't know. This is so boring. Amanda can't walk in a kimono, and says that she was on "emotional shutdown" during the ceremony, and didn't want to cry. Seriously, what is her effing problem? I think that Amanda might -- and I am being totally serious -- have some sort of a mild mental disability. More so than Norelle, even. She just doesn't seem quite right. She asks what comprises the purple part of the sweet that she is given. NO TALKING DURING THE TEA CEREMONY! How great would it be if Yoko screamed that and started to whip her? Ha! Now THAT is what I call a ritual! Anyway, it's colored gelatin. The judges look at her as if to say, "NO TALKING DURING THE TEA CEREMONY!" but, sadly enough, they do not whip her.
And then, fucking Yaya, who says she felt relaxed and calm in front of the scroll and flower, which I guess are a part of the tea ceremony as well. She says she was overwhelmed "with this feeling of...wow." Yeah, me too. Wow. Norelle is , and doesn't do so well. She has some sort of problem with the pad of paper that the sweet is on. I don't know. It's not that I don't have respeito for Japanese traditions and stuff, but when I tune into Top Model, I want to see tall, scantily clad women in catfights. The tea ceremony is just not doing it. The judges ask the girls how they are enjoying their time in Japan. Yaya answers in Japanese. Of course. Norelle can't understand the judges at first, and when she does, she says that it's different, and that she's having a hard time adjusting to the weather and the food, but that she likes it. Oh, Norelle. She's so great.
The winner of the tea ceremony is Yaya. Fucker. Eva says that it's a conspiracy. Yaya chooses Amanda to go with her. Amanda says more power to Yaya, since she is enjoying the fruits of Yaya's labor. Baby, sweet baby, if it's all the same, take the glory any day over the fame. Or over being associated with Yaya.
Amanda and Yaya go to the hot springs. The hot springs look awesome. Amanda says that with so few girls left in the house, and after being with them for a long period of time, you get to know who's "real" and who's not. I actually think a more fun challenge would be to try to identify which parts of Janice are real, and which are not.
Eva interviews that Ann keeps asking her why she's been so quiet. Eva says that the atmosphere calls for calm. Someone should send Richard Simmons to Tokyo. And maybe my mom, sometimes. Ann says that she doesn't know where she stands in her friendship with Eva, because she doesn't know who Eva is anymore. Oh, please. They've known each other for, like, three weeks. It's not like, "I just heard the worst thing about my high-school boyfriend, Jeffrey Dahmer. He used to be so sweet!" I mean, that would be grounds for puzzlement over someone's behavior. Norelle says that she's nervous because she doesn't feel like she's the strongest competitor. She adds that Yaya has won the majority of the competitions, but that doesn't mean that she'll be America's Top Model. Lord, I hope not. You might not have realized this yet, but I kind of hate Yaya.
Yaya and Amanda eat sushi. Yaya says, "Can we take a moment and appreciate these bowls?" Somewhere, the fake kente cloth hat cries foul. Amanda gravely says, "Yeah," and adds that she's going to cry. They're dishes! I mean, they're really nice dishes, but still. They oooh and ahhh over their delicious fishes. Yaya says, "This makes me want to study fish." No, she really said that. Can someone please get her to shut up? Seriously, I'll give you anything you want.
The girls "decide" to go out. They get ready, and Amanda realizes that she's wearing shoes in the house, where a person should go shoeless, so she drops to the floor and rolls on her back. Just like she did on that fateful morning of September 11, 2001. The girls go to the bar on the roof of the hotel. Ann says that Eva was separate from the rest of the group. Eva says that there's a very weird energy, and that she's not close with any of the girls in the house. The girls toast to the top five, and then who waltzes off the elevator but an alien dressed as a hooker-style Rainbow Brite. Oh wait, it's just Tyra. Amanda calls Tyra's dress gorgeous. Which: blind. Tyra takes off her shoes because her feet hurt. Wow! That's real.
Tyra talks to the girls, and tells them that Tokyo is a fashion capital. She says she's been in many different places, but for some reason feels really connected to Japanese culture. Maybe it's because five Japanese men can fit comfortably on her forehead. Tyra teaches the girls to say, "I'm hungry," in Japanese, which was a bit of wisdom on counteracting eating disorders that she gleaned from her conversation with her mom earlier in the season. So very real.
Tyra asks the girls how they are doing in the competition. Ann says that she has seen a different side of people. Meaning Eva. Yaya gives a smug smile. Tyra asks if they have trouble trusting other women. They do. Well, women be some catty bitches, right? Tyra subtly pimps her camp, T-Zone, which is for young girls. She says that at T-Zone, they talk about sisterhood. Tyra says that, in the fashion industry, the aspiring models will have to be around other women all the time, and that having a friendly rapport on the set makes things much better. Eva says that she started the competition not wanting to win and saying that she didn't care about the other girls, but soon realized that she did, in fact care, "even with Yaya." Ha! Yaya glowers. Ann says that she thought she knew a lot about people here, but was surprised to see their other, more sinister sides. Yaya smiles, smugly.
Tyra says that people have many different layers (except for Yaya) and that there's no such thing as a bitch (except for Yaya), and that under a bitch exterior is often a hurt soul (or, in the case of Yaya, a pimply epidermis). Tyra says, "A lot of the times when we're saying something negative about somebody else, we're trying to cover up something inside that we're dealing with. Whenever I get real gossipy, it means I'm being insecure, and I check it. 'Cause I'm like, 'she's great, she's talented, she's gorgeous, and that's why I'm hating right now.'" Ha! ["Ahem. Well, this is awkward. It's like she sees right into my soul, and the whole reason this site even exists! It's because I'm jealous of Tyra." -- Wing Chun] Ann looks puzzled and mad. She was totally trying to tell on Eva. And I have to say, good advice, Tyra. Though I still think her talk show will suck balls. Yaya interviews that the conversation with Tyra made her aware of the importance of sisterhood, and of trusting other women. Well, maybe she should study it, then.
Amanda interviews that drama in the competition is always the same: it's fine for a few days, and then something happens. Cut to the girls on the roof bar, where Ann is yelling at Eva. She says that what Eva said about Norelle hurt Ann, and hurt Norelle. We get a flashback of the incident AGAIN. That's the same flashback twice in one episode. I seriously wake up with Ann's voice saying "Me or Norelle? Me or Norelle?" ringing in my ears. Ann says that it's fucked up that Eva will be best friends with Norelle, and then turn around and wish her ill. Well, Ann, it's kind of fucked up that you will be best friends with Eva, and then turn around and wish her ill. Eva says that her intent wasn't to hurt anybody. And then fucking Yaya pipes up. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Sorry, I need a minute to regain composure.
There we go. Yaya, of whose business this is none, says that Eva always goes around saying that she's real and everyone else is two-faced, but that it is in fact Eva that embodies two-facedness the most. Ann says she thought she knew who Eva was, but now she is not sure if she likes what she sees. Oh, can it, Janet Reno. Norelle looks vaguely uncomfortable. Amanda interviews that, when the lionesses are hunting in a pack, if they see a flaw, they go for it. Commercials.
Ann once again says that Eva is fucked up. Eva apologizes for what she said about Norelle. Norelle was hurt. Eva says that it was wrong, and she apologizes. ["Through this whole scene, I was so annoyed that Eva didn't just yell, 'It's a competition! I'd step over all of you and my own mother to get to that contract, and so would any of you, so shut the fuck up!' That's what I'd say, and why I would not be a successful reality-show competitor." -- Wing Chun] Ann says that the incident made her wonder whether Eva talks to Norelle about her. Eva finally gets a little heated, and says that Ann has said some nasty shit, so Ann has no room to talk. Eva says, "Don't even" about thirty times in the course of a second. Ann says that she's never said anything, and Eva calls bullshit. Norelle interviews, "I was so confused. Pink Positive, what's going on? Are we getting a divorce?" Ann wants to know what it was that she said. Eva says that they'll talk about it later, but Ann insists on knowing right then, in front of everyone. Sigh. Eva says, "You never said you don't think Norelle's pretty?" Ann says, "We talked about how she had a different look." Eva says that she's talking about Norelle's weight. Ann says, "She has hips!" and interviews, "Norelle...I mean, she has a bigger midsection. That is something that to me is factual." Nice. So I guess if I say that Ann is more of a man than Jamie Lee Curtis, it's okay, because I'm only speaking the truth. Ass. Norelle interviews, "Oh my God! My one friend wants me to go home. My [other] friend thinks I'm fat."
Back in the argument, Ann is in disbelief that Eva has said that Ann is a liar who thinks Norelle is fat. Eva says that Ann sugarcoats it for Norelle, but that, in fact, Ann's intent was much more dastardly. And then, fucking Yaya, AGAIN. She says to Eva, "Like, seriously, you really make me want to study psychology. More." Ah, the popular Brown double major of fish and psychology. Also, shut up, Yaya. Eva tries to say something, and Yaya does one of those "shush, I'm talking" things. Yaya says, "The bitch of the house...anybody could say that it is you." Well, anybody could say that it is Eva, but I'm guessing that at the very least an equal number will say it's Yaya. Please see poll on the right.
In an interview, Eva asks what the Norelle situation has to do with Yaya. That, my friends, is a good question. Eva says that Yaya deems Eva Yaya's major competition, and has said as much to Eva, noting that they are both short and black. Ann says that Eva was completely different in L.A. than she has been in Tokyo. I don't know, I actually thought Eva seemed bitchier in L.A.; it's just that Ann was in on it then. Yaya smiles, smugly. Eva notes that Ann has completely changed her opinion of Eva based on one incident. Eva adds that she thinks Ann knows that Eva's been nothing but a friend to her, and to bring the situation on the table without first going to Eva to understand or clear it up is whack. She tells Ann, "I guess you never did know me from the beginning." And if she doesn’t know Eva by now, she will never, never, never know her. Oooh oooh. And boy, am I glad that the girls didn't pass through Massachusetts on their mad modeling spree, because I'm not ready to witness the first gay divorce. Ann retreats to her room and takes solace in the dulcet tones of Melissa Etheridge, yelling out, "I'll never come to your window, Eva!"
Tyra Mail! "Bust out from the old, embrace the new. Get ready to walk in my footsteps." Please, like I'd want to follow the path left by those stinky size elevens. The Dowager Jay tells the girls that they're doing a shot for T-Mobile that incorporates the modern with the traditional. He says that he always tells the girls about how Tyra poses, so today she's going to demonstrate. The girls will get to watch Tyra, and she will coach them. The girls are excited to see Tyra model.
While Tyra is getting made up, Norelle tells her that, the night before, the girls went from toasting to fighting, and explains that Eva hoped that Norelle would be sent home, and that Ann thinks she's ugly and fat. Tyra says that what makes beauty interesting is that it's debatable, and that there are plenty of people who think that Tyra is beautiful, and plenty who think that she is an ugly fivehead. Or that she looks like an alien. I mean, a pretty alien, but still. And I must say that, in her eagerness to say that people think she's ugly, Tyra is kind of missing the point right there. She finally brings it back to the subject at hand by telling the girls that they have to realize that everybody talks about everybody. Which is so true. ["Well, sure. I mean...here we are, right?" -- Wing Chun]
Eva and Norelle talk in the courtyard. Eva says that she was wrong, and said something she shouldn't have. She says that she didn't really want to wish bad things upon Norelle, but was speaking from a place of insecurity. She says that she apologizes from the bottom of her heart. And, I mean, Eva's apologized repeatedly. I don't really know what else she can do. Norelle says that this one incident isn't going to change the way she thinks about Eva. She was hurt for a bit, but eventually realized that Eva was speaking out of frustration. Eva says, "We might not be as close as we were before, and that's fine..." and Norelle says, "Yes we are," and gives Eva a little hug. Norelle interviews that people have said she should tell Eva off, but that she doesn't care and loves Eva to death regardless of what happens. See, Norelle is the greatest, and will never forget her lesbian mentor. It's like the Human Rights Campaign in action, this show is.
Tyra poses in lingerie and an open kimono. She says that her poses will be very dramatic. She looks kind of crazy. You know, I got my latest Victoria's Secret catalog, which includes pictures of Tyra in underwear, and I thought, "Wow! Is Tyra ever skinny." And then I saw this episode and I thought, "Wow! Is Tyra ever airbrushed." Posing posing posing. The girls are duly amazed.
The girls are outfitted in crazy geisha hair and makeup, and Jay reiterates that it's modern meets traditional. His vocabulary is so limited. Amanda doesn't really get the pose. Neither does Yaya. Also, Yaya appears to have quite the rack, which I hadn't realized previously. Norelle looks pretty awkward, and Jay tells her to think that she's a princess. He picks on her more, and continues not to have a smidgen of useful advice. I hate him so. He says that Norelle has no grace. Jay interviews (and why does he get interviews, anyway?) that he's interested to see whether Ann can "get it" after watching Tyra. Ann's hair is kind of hideous. She continues to suck. Jay tells her to pose "in a graceful way, not in a linebacker kind of way." Okay, heh. I'll give him that one. One. Ann really is a mess. Eva comes up and blows everyone away, which makes Ann really mad.
Tyra Mail. Someone will be eliminated tomorrow! No one wants to be eliminated. Eva says that she's come into this competition to win, and will leave wanting to win. Ann says that she wants to stay in the competition longer than Eva (yeah, good luck with that, Joe Namath) and wants Eva to be eliminated. That is so petty. Commercials.
And now it's time for an all-new Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week, starring a small orange man and a horsy foreign model.
[The setting is a salon. Techno music typically found in any gay disco underscores the action.]
Small Orange Man: [appearing to be tired with himself, even] Here comes another holiday party season.
Horsy Foreign Model: [with enthusiasm] I want to look my prettiest. Tell me how!
SOM: [thinking, "Finally, a monologue!"] It's all about red lips, especially color that outlasts the festivities. So try this Outlast Smoothwear. A brown-based red looks good on almost everyone. First, smooth on the rich color base coat, then seal it with the conditioning topcoat.
HFM: [pronouncing "must-have" like "moostof"] This is definitely a holiday party must-have!
And I can only imagine the scintillating conversation at that holiday party.
The judging panel. It's time for the tenth cut. There are prizes. There are judges. Janice, who is the epitome of '40s glamour (plus silicone!) tonight, calls the judges gorgeous. Kimono designer Kyoko Higa is the guest judge. Tyra says that there will be a test, which Nolé will administer. Nolé says, "You're gonna walk for the judges." Tyra adds, "In a Kyoko Higa design." Wait, that's all it takes to administer is a test -- to say, "You're gonna walk for the judges?" I want to be a test administrator! Poor Nolé, they never let him do anything, do they? Without Empress Minnie, he is a shell of a man. Tyra says that the girls must be fashionable yet respectful in their walks, according to local Japanese custom.
Amanda is first. Her kimono is gorgeous. She whips out a fan at the end of her walk, which Tyra likes. Janice tells Amanda that she is delicate like the bonsai butterfly. Is that a real thing? Whether or not such a creature exists, you know Amanda's all over it and will, in fact, probably give her child that moniker. Oh, little Sai Fly. Your mother is a loon. In any case, Amanda actually does look pretty good. She has her hair pulled back and is wearing a flattering shade of red lipstick (which I'm sure smells like cupcakes). Tyra introduces Amanda's photo and reiterates that the concept of the shoot was "modern meets traditional." The judges love Amanda's photo, and it is in fact quite good. I know, I know. I'm softening on Amanda. She got big points this week for staying out of Ann and Eva's business. Tyra says that the shoot's photographer said that Amanda seemed timid and needed to gain personality. Nigel concurs, and tells Amanda that she needs the sparkle that makes a photographer interested and inspired.
is Ann, who kind of struts, as much as one can strut in a kimono. She so wants to beat Eva. Kyoko says that Ann's walk is powerful, which is fine for jeans but not for a kimono. Ann's photo comes up on the big screen, and Janice criticizes her pose. She says that the Statue of Liberty looks better. And Janice knows of what she speaks, mostly because of her own familiarity with wretched refuse. She lifts her lamp beside the golden door, if you know what I mean. The judges say that Ann's headshot is good, but that a photograph must be judged on the whole package.
is Yaya, who does what appears to be the motions for "I'm a little teapot short and stout" at the end of the runway. Nigel says that Yaya will be one of Kyoko's favorites because of how well she shuffles. Let Kyoko speak for herself, you bully. Nigel's only criticism is that he saw very little Yaya. Well, from what we've seen of Yaya, I think we should be thankful for that. Tyra says she didn't like that Yaya put her hair up, and Janice tells her to take it out and let her fro shine through. Once she does this, the judges rave. Nolé says that Yaya's photo looks like a bonsai tree. Not a bonsai butterfly, which is good, but a bonsai tree, which is bad. Tyra criticizes Yaya's flat foot, which takes away from her already meager height.
, Norelle. Nolé says that Norelle looks sick, and like she's going to pass out. Nigel tells her that when she hits a catwalk, her look has to be perfection. Kyoko -- who, we might remember, is actually Japanese and in fact designed the kimono -- says that Norelle looks very natural and comfortable in a kimono. She likes it. The judges rave about Norelle's photo, which will become irrelevant in a few minutes. Janice says that Norelle's photo was fabulous, but that her walk was horrible.
And then, Eva. Janice says that Eva's walk is graceless, and that her eyes are out in space. Nigel says he doesn't know if it has been a hard week, but that Eva looks sloppy and down. Tyra asks if Eva is sad, and says, "Tell me what it is." Tyra asks if the competition is getting too tough for Eva. Eva tears up and says that this is the first week she has felt drained, spiritually. She says that she's dealing with it. Tyra says that the schedule of America's Top Model is going to be crazy. Yeah, I'd guess that given how Adrienne and Yoanna have set the world on fire. Nigel says that sometimes a model has to turn it on in a matter of minutes, and that other girls might take advantage of any perceived vulnerability. Eva's photo rules, and everybody knows it.
The judges deliberate. Kyoko likes Amanda's photo. Nolé and Nigel think that Amanda's photos are great, but that she is not fierce in person. Janice disagrees, and says that she really likes Amanda. Interesting. ["No surprise there: Amanda's the skinniest, and therefore she's Janice's favourite." -- Wing Chun]
Looking at Ann's photo, Janice says, "Ann the man!" HA! Oh, but that's not all. Janice continues: "[Ann the man] Certainly looks like a man in this picture. Woohoo! She holds the cell phone like, you know, it's a football." Nolé says that can be sexy, but we all know that what he really means to say is, "I really loved those gender-neutral boys in Hanson circa 1998." Nigel says that some things about Ann work, and Janice demands to know what they are. Nigel says that Ann had a glint in her eye when she walked down the runway. Tyra says she thinks that Ann should go home, and that when Tyra posed for the girls, she was doing it for Ann, hoping for a monkey see, monkey do effect. What she got was a monkey don't. And those were Tyra's words, in case you think I'm going all cornball on you.
Kyoko says that Norelle could be very popular in Japan. Nigel says that, unfortunately, this is America's Top Model, and Norelle doesn't have a face for America. Nolé says that Norelle was unattractive to him during panel, and looked wet and greasy. Which normally, not so much of a problem for him, I'm guessing. Tyra thinks that Norelle is confused and scared and doesn't know why she's there.
Deliberation over Yaya takes three seconds. Nigel says that her picture is a disaster, and Nolé says that she can do much better.
All of the judges love Eva's picture. Tyra says that she was rooting for Eva, but lost love when Eva broke down in front of the judges. She says, "You gotta know how to go home and cry to your mama, but show the world a great and happy face." Well, what if you're being filmed when you go home and cry to your mama? And what if you're actually on a set when you're crying to your mama? What then, Tyra? What then?
Five girls, four photos. Amanda, congratulations, you're still in the running, even though you don't seem to have any personality. Yaya, congratulations. Tyra tells Yaya that her pictures from week to week are some of the strongest, even though today's photo was not strong. However, Tyra tells her that her appearance is strong, and that this is the first week that she's looked like a model. What? I think she looks worse than normal. Ah well. Eva, congratulations. Tyra says that Eva is hanging on by the skin of her teeth. She says that Eva lost it today, and that she needs to leave her problems at the door.
Ann and Norelle, please step forward. The judges have been debating about you two from week one. One of you is strong-looking in person, and one is strong in pictures. How important is it to take an amazing photo, and how important is it to look strong in person? That question hasn't been answered tonight, but someone has to go. And it is Norelle. Booooooo! Oh, crap. Ann cries. Norelle hugs the other girls on the way out. She says she's proud that she made it to the top five, particularly when she didn't expect to even be called back. She's writing out little notes -- one is to Ann, and one is to Ann and Eva. I bet she's telling them to make up. She says that this experience has made her more determined to be a model, and that she's going straight home and straight into agencies. Good luck, little Norelle. I make fun of you being dumb, but I secretly think you're the greatest. And stop liking Paris Hilton! She totally has crabs.
Coming up on America's Top Model: the girls have to navigate the streets of Tokyo. Yaya struggles to keep up. Ha! And Ann pulls out all the stops to try to beat Eva. But she won't, so she might as well have saved the effort.