Previously on America's Top Model: Yaya was an ass, albeit one who seemed to be good at everything. Mr. Harry T. Rantula terrified Eva, but won the hearts of viewers everywhere. And Toccara, uncharacteristically subdued after weeks of being called a heifer, was sent back to the farm. Six girls remain...who will be eliminated tonight?
New York! The girls each discuss the flaws in their appearance. Norelle says that she wants collagen injections because her top lip is so small. Girl, take a look at one Miss Janice Dickinson and reconsider. Ann wants shoulders that can cut glass, like Norelle's. Nicole says that everyone favors the opposite of what they perceive to be their own flaws -- she likes thin thighs, because hers are thunderous. Yaya -- who should by rights pipe in with, "I like fun and cool people, because my personality is singularly unlikable" -- instead does a little hip-sashaying dance and thinks how much better she is than everybody else.
Ann interviews that the judges have seen potential in her, but have only liked two of her pictures. She says that consistently being at the bottom of the pack is bringing her down. Dude, talk to the girl who has covered all of her mirrors with black velvet and scheduled snout reduction surgery after the holidays.
As Nicole engages in what we are to assume are hilarious antics (but, alas, this can't be proven as we see precisely three seconds of it), Ann conveys shock that the panel thinks that Nicole has no personality. Nicole says that panel is not the place for her to "go in and act like a 'tard." I can't think of many places that would be good for that, unless you are Shaun Cassidy starring in Like Normal People and inviting Virginia to your room to listen to records. Or unless you wear a t-shirt that says, "I don't have cerebral palsy, I'm just drunk" on your first date with Blair's French teacher. And even those are questionable. And now I've just offended even myself. What's in the box, Blair?
Nicole interviews that she doesn't show it all the time, but that she does have personality. She doesn't want to lay it all on the table and let people pick away at it, like so many precious mutilated brownies.
Yaya tosses her head in an arrogant fashion and interviews, "Compared to some of the girls I feel more confident, but I'm not braggy." Cut to footage of her stretching her leg above her head. She adds, "It's so important to still be able to interact with the other girls, because it's easy to sit back and get big-headed." Please. At this point, even Erykah Badu is like, "Girl, you're gonna have to borrow a head wrap from someone else, because mine is just too daggone small." And I love how socializing with the little people is going to keep Yaya grounded.
“ I know that he's rather diminutive and I like to date men who are, well, women, but... damn, does Taye Diggs look fine. ”
Tyra Mail! "Prepare to die. Be ready at 9:15 a.m." The girls look puzzled. I, however, look gleeful, because I am desperate to take this particular Tyra Mail literally. Norelle interviews that she was nervous, "because you never know." I think the same thing, and have a minute of joy and hope. The girls enter a small theater, where they are greeted by something that must have quite a commute from its home under the bridge. The troll grunts a hello and introduces itself as Sande Shurin, acting teacher. Please let this be a bloodthirsty creature! And I'm sorry, but this show has some of the homeliest consultants that I've ever seen. The troll tells the girls that it is there to teach them about acting, and specifically a cold reading acting technique. It then plucks a hair from its giant wart and takes a bite of gristle souffl. Yaya says that she wants to model, but that maybe can take an acting class and discover some hidden talents. Oh, such a triple threat she is. I just want to drown her in a vat of benzoyl peroxide.
The troll says that it has worked with a lot of models who have crossed over into acting, and my mind reels thinking of all the success stories. Nicole says that she was excited for this challenge, because she studied method acting when she was in theater (e.g. North Dakota High School Drama Club presents L'il Abner. And yes, all of North Dakota has but one high school). The troll tells the girls that they are going to do an exercise called "accessing the emotional body." Sounds of crickets chirping. Norelle says, "We were like, 'Huh?'" Norelle then says, "I've never done acting before. The only acting I do is my own personality. Like, I live in my own world, I'm my own actress." And I know she doesn't make any sense, but she says everything with such a cute smile that I can't help loving her. The troll tells the girls to put one hand on their heart and one on their solar plexus, and let their creative selves come to the foreground. The troll asks them what they see in their minds' eyes. As an example, the troll says that it sees dirty underwear and toenail clippings. Freaking Amanda, who is already crying, says, "Roses and rain." She interviews that she started crying because she saw her son's face. Nicole interviews that she had to say she saw nothing, because the first thing she saw in her mind's eye was not appropriate. I really feel like we, the viewing audience, have been robbed of a good "Nicole is a whore" subplot this season.
Norelle, who proves to be quite the charming narrator for this episode, interviews that, of course, there was more to the challenge. The girls notice a hospital bed. Norelle says, "Oh gosh, prepare to die. I'm sorry, but I am not a good die-er." The girls will be given a scene to perform. Nicole thinks that she has an edge because she played Lady Macbeth (and also Mammy Yokum) in high school. Troll says that the girls are going to be reading with a very well-known and respected actor who also is a UPN star. I know, I know, it sounds like a paradox. But it's Kevin Hill's Taye Diggs! And I know that he's rather diminutive and I like to date men who are, well, women, but...damn, does Taye Diggs look fine. Everyone is excited.
Eva is first in the acting challenge. Each girl plays a woman ("Julia") dying of an illness, who has a few minutes to express her feelings to her lover, the irrepressibly hot Taye Diggs ("Brad"). They have to lie in the bed and read off of cue cards. Eva coughs in a sickly way and begins, "Brad I'm dying." Brad tells her that he's talked to the doctor, and that she's going to pull through. The cue card reads, "If you haven't forgotten, I'm a doctor, too. And the prognosis for restrictive cardiomyopathy with paroxysmal nocturnal dyspoea is hardly positive." Ha! I think that this scene was written by the Pulitzer Prize-winning team that brought us "Smells Like Cupcakes." Eva tries to read the card, but says, "If you haven't forgotten, I am a doctor. And the prognosis for reconstructive cardiomapothy, with...all these illsnesses...is hardly positive." HA HA HA! She said "illsnesses." Oh, I am dying. Of paroxysmal nocturnal dyspoea!
There is a montage of the other girls messing up the ridiculously difficult medical jargon. Norelle starts to laugh (adorably!) when she gets to the hard words. She interviews that she couldn't read the text if her life depended on it. Yaya is insufferable, per usual. The girls get to a part where they have to talk about strolling down what the cue card deems the "Champs d'Elys." Which, isn't it the Champs-Elyses? I'm sure Yaya could tell me. She pronounces the word with relish, lest we forget that she speaks three other languages. Ann fumbles, while Norelle simply says, "We strolled down the park." Taye interviews (more Taye interviews! More Taye interviews! More naked Taye interviews! Oooh, did I say that out loud?)...oh, hell, I can't focus what he's saying. I'm too enthralled by his shiny little head and pleasant speaking voice. And those hot, nerdy glasses. ["I don't recall such a rapturous description of me last week, you whore." -- Harry T. Rantula] I think I might need to take a small break from sexually harassing Taye Diggs via the internets and collect myself.
And, back. The girls get to the part in the script where Taye Diggs touches them and says, "I love you." Amanda interviews that Taye Diggs is cute, and in the scene she begins to fan herself. Taye Diggs says, "Are you hot?" and starts to fan her. Ha! Oh, Taye Diggs. Let's escape this madness and run away together! The girls then must say, "They're coming!" Meaning the angels. Taye Diggs calls for a nurse. The girls die, one while wearing boots. Taye Diggs says, "And you died in your favorite shoes." HA! Oh, Taye Diggs, stop making me love you more. You are a married man. And I have a girlfriend. But alas, it is too late! A supposedly already dead Amanda moves her head. Taye Diggs says, "Julia? You're alive! You're alive! You scared me, I thought you died!" Amanda then says, "It's okay," and re-dies. Taye Diggs says, "Julia, that's a cruel trick. That's a cruel trick, Julia." Oh, Taye Diggs, it is a cruel trick that you are embarking upon right now to make me watch Kevin Hill. But I still won't do it. But wait...I already have! Okay, I haven't. But I really, really want to. Damn you, UPN!
“ Umeboshi is kind of like a chewy ball of salt with a pit. Definitely an acquired taste, and pretty jarring when you put a whole one in your mouth and chomp down, but nothing that you couldn't eat with a bit of determination. Which is, coincidentally, how Ann likes to describe her relationship with Janice. ”
And here I must break and tell you that, feeling it was my duty as your intrepid recapper, I first did some research to make sure that umeboshi wasn't in any way toxic or unduly foul, and then bought some at Whole Foods. I fed them to my entire book club. Not because I'm a sadist, but just to see how bad they really were. And because I couldn't stop saying, "ANTM Umeboshi! The taste so sweet, you'd swear it's candy!" And they're kind of like eating a chewy ball of salt with a pit. Definitely an acquired taste, and pretty jarring when you put a whole one in your mouth and chomp down, but nothing that you couldn't eat with a bit of determination. Which is, coincidentally, how Ann likes to describe her relationship with Janice.
And then, fucking Yaya. She begins the commercial in a typically annoying fashion. Every word and facial expression is slow and exaggerated. She ends the commercial and holds up the plate with the umeboshi. Tyra says, "And now we need you to eat the product because I've never heard of a girl having a commercial and not tasting the product." Janice screams, "Eat! Eat! Eat!" Which, coincidentally, was the extent of the conversation on Janice's last date with Ann. Worldly Yaya puts the umeboshi in her mouth and chews. She giggles. She goes, "Mmm." She chews and squeals and giggles and chews and squeals and giggles in an increasingly higher pitch. Which, coincidentally, were the same sounds heard outside of the hotel room where Janice had her last date with Ann. And then, in slow motion, Yaya spits the umeboshi into a small bowl. Janice sneers. Yaya says, "No offense, but I just couldn't eat it." The judges look very serious. Mr. Yoshie mumbles something to his attractive translator. This can't be good. Commercials.
And now it's time for the Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week!
Small Orange Man: [jovially] Hey Elsa, you ready for a little face time?
Horsey Foreign Model: [pissed off at her sebaceous glands] Well I'd love to get this shine under control.
SOM: [with a limited range of expression] Well, start with an oil-absorbing makeup that'll last all day.
HFM: [silently adding "like cupcakes"] It has to be light and fresh.
SOM: [embracing emphasis as an acting technique] Now, the best oil-control makeups are made with these cool ultra-light powders PLUS gentle conditioners that prevent dryness.
HFM: [silently adding "like cupcakes"] And it feels nice and light.
SOM: [thinking "umeboshi is delicious"] And it won't clog your pores either.
HFM: [silently adding "like cupcakes"] Perfection in a bottle!
SOM: [thinking "Taye Diggs is perfection in a bottle"] You bet!
Six girls return. Only five will remain in the running toward becoming America's Top Model. The first name Tyra calls is Ann's. Tyra says that "Miss Stiff Ann in the picture" blew all of the other girls away. Ann actually looks mildly pissed, and I'm not sure why. Eva's name is called second. Norelle, to her credit, gives a big smile. Eva, along with the rest of the world, looks surprised. I mean, honestly. Her commercials blew and her name was called second. Tyra says that it's because of her voice, and that the sound and tone of a model's voice is important. Man, that was so obvious. Norelle is called , and Ann looks happy when Norelle joins her in the winners' circle, since she is guaranteed another day of conjugal bliss in Tokyo. Amanda is also still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model.
Will Yaya and Nicole please step forward? PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET RID OF YAYA. Nicole, blah blah blah, unmemorable. Tyra says that it was difficult for the judges to remember anything about Nicole that stood out. See, in this world, plain old competence is simply not rewarded. Tyra says to Yaya, "It is important for a model to respect a product. This is not the first week where the judges have felt that you have insulted a product." Yaya? You stood on this pedestal and acted like the umeboshi tasted like dookie. Apologize to the umeboshi, Yaya. The umeboshi then walks out wearing a tiny black t-shirt emblazoned with the word, "Respeito." Tyra says, "A top model has to be humble, and likeable." Oh, tell your lies to Naomi Campbell's phone-beaten assistant. Tyra then gives Yaya her photo, and recommends that she go to the nearest Japanese bakery and order the biggest slice of humble pie she can find. Nicole is going home. Nicole tearfully says goodbye to the other girls. She interviews that she didn't stand out, but that no matter what the judges said, she didn't give up. We are treated to Nicole's portfolio, which is really, really good. She says that getting there was a feat in itself, but that it's not like becoming America's Top Model. Her likeness fades from the group photo, which is a bit redundant since apparently no one could remember that it was there in the first place.
Coming up on America's Top Model: Norelle struggles to adjust to Japan, and Ann has it out with Eva. Well, you know what they say about make-up sex.