Being a top model is a dream shared by girls everywhere, or so Tyra tells us over clips of her young, skinny, model-y self. We are treated to bits of audition videos from Toccara and Norelle. And then -- more Tyra. Wait there for a minute while I muster up some excitement. Hey, that's Adrianne! Shandi! Yoanna! The fish tank! Lots of girls crying! And then lots of screaming as Tyra tells us that, out of thousands of girls who applied, only a select few made it to the semi-finals in Los Angeles. And those select few were completely spontaneously surprised, as we see by their filmed spontaneous reactions as they get their completely surprise phone call from the show. We are treated to bits of the semi-final interviews, beer in the weave (oh! I miss the first episode of this show), the pool party, and revelations of legal blindness. Now, only five girls remain! This is the most important episode ever, Tyra tells us, because of all the new old footage that we'll see. All this before the credits! I'm already exhausted. ["Speaking of which: no links in this recap to past episodes. You want to remember them, you can read the past recaps your own self." -- Wing Chun]
Tropical islands! Sunshine! Beautiful scenery! We are in Jamaica, where fourteen girls started their journey toward famewhoredom and eventual obscurity. We hear The Dowager Jay Manuel tell the girls that one of them will be eliminated in this tropical paradise. There's lots of footage of the wannabe models getting made up, with lots of rubbing of oils to slick up their bottoms and make them shine. Look at Eva's little bum! Leah (yeah, remember her?) is having a hard time. Wow: at the time, I thought she was pretty, but her eyes are totally trying to hypnotize me through my screen. She is frightening.
Toccara says, "I hope they have my size today." Yaya says that they don't. Can you believe it! This might add a little more legitimacy to Toccara's reaction to the stylist a few episodes ago. Toccara says that whatever outfit they give her, she will work it. Toccara comes out in a leopard-print one piece that prompts a stunned Norelle to say, "Crap. Your boobs are as big as my head." Oh, remember when Norelle had braces! I am enjoying this memory lane stroll thus far. But we're only six minutes into the show, so that's not saying much. Toccara thinks she looks faaabulous.
Photographers shoot. Jay Manuel is useless. And then there's Magdalena, who says she wasn't as focused as she should be, and is also butt ugly. Magdalena has no neck and couldn't find the fire in her eyes. Fire in the eyes, Magdalena, fire in the eyes! Have you not learned ANYTHING? Leah is also having problems, but has a hot body. Oooh, long-haired Norelle! Dark-haired Ann! Oooh, good times. The girls talk about Magdalena's elimination. Secretly, no one cares -- not even the girls who pretend to. Kelle and Ann are holding pixilated cigarettes. Kelle says, "And then there were thirteen," and gives Ann a high five.
The Girl Who Goes Ballistic
“ Ann says that she's very open- minded. Cut to a post-makeover shot, Ann crying, 'I hate short hair on me.' Meanwhile, her hair is like, an inch shorter. If anything, she should be complaining about the skunk streaks that they put in her hair. Pepe LePew is seriously trying to woo her. ”
Back in New York, the girls moved into their garish digs at the Waldorf Astoria. That place is seriously like the worst Hildi room on Trading Spaces, times thirteen. Ann and Eva wanted to room together, but things didn't quite shake out that way. Eva is fine with that, but Ann is upset. The whole thing goes a little something like this:
Ann: But Eva, I love you [sob, sob, sob]! Be my girlfriend and share my bed and celebrate the great lesbian independence of 1969 with me every night!
Eva: Bitch, you crazy.
In a bit of new footage, Toccara, Yaya, and Jennipher (remember 'Pher?) discuss the scene between Ann and Eva. Yaya says that the whole thing was extra-dramatic, and made it seem like Eva and Ann they had been friends for years. She makes a good point, but her eyes are in little slits that emanate evil. Jennipher says that it will be funny when one of the two leaves. She says that Ann will freak out if Eva leaves, but that if Ann leaves, Eva won't give a shit. Well, since your sorry ass was eliminated in the fifth episode, I guess you'll have to watch it on TV like the rest of us, won't you, Jennipher?
The girls line up at panel. A super-cute Toccara shares, "When I was in high school, I did modern dance and jazz and tap, and when I got older I did a little exotic dancing." No way! (And at this, Cassie thinks to herself, "Damn! I need to find another little girl lost storyline, and pronto!") Janice screams, "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!" and, not to be outdone, does a stripper dance of her own. Tyra says, "Give us some, Janice!" as if Janice needs any more encouragement. Janice rubs her bottom in Nol's face and slinkily says, "Exotic! Dance!" Nol loves it. Oh, Janice is the best. I had a feeling that we'd have a few chestnuts from her in the additional footage (and believe you me, the best is yet to come). The judges felt that Ann had no passion, and that Leah's rhythm was off. As Tyra says, Leah should have been more like, "Roll...snap! Roll...snap!" with her head, instead of, "Snap. Snaaap." Leah says, "Got it," as if that made any sense. Leah goes home anyway.
And...makeovers! Oh, I remember it well! Ann says that she's very open-minded. Cut to a post-makeover shot, where she is crying and says, "I hate short hair on me." Meanwhile, her hair is like, an inch shorter. If anything, she should be complaining about the skunk streaks that they put in her hair. Pepe LePew is seriously trying to woo her. That is how bad Ann's highlights are. Jennipher is also unhappy and sobs as her ugly super-long hair is cut. I bet she is totally growing that shit out as we speak. Bad move, Pocatello. Bad move. Yaya tells the obviously annoyed stylist that her hair needs to be combed out from tip to root, and that she would rather do it herself. Amanda loves her new look, which she describes as "Donatella Versace meets Lord of the Rings." And that's....good? I mean, at least try to pick some attractive people. It's like, "Wow, Tiffany! Your new look is like a cross between Charles Nelson Reilly and Bea Arthur!" Tyra voices over that Amanda's new look frightened some of the other girls, and Toccara says that she wouldn't want to be locked in a room with Amanda at night, or something similar. Oh, Toccara is so pretty.