Previously on America's Top Model: some of New York's "Top Designers" (and we give those accolades liberally), including greasy dillwad Marc Bouwer, judged the girls during go-sees. This was problematic for Toccara, who was a bit too plus for the haute couture bus. Ann proved that she was more than a "pretty face" -- she's a pretty face who occasionally takes a decent photograph. And Cassie was sent home without much fanfare. Seven girls remain!
New York! The sky is blue and the grass, such as it is, is green. But wait, apparently it's night! Or maybe first thing in the morning. And what better way to end the day or begin the morning than by sitting in your silk kimono on your bed and talking out your worries with your fully-dressed mom? This is where the cameras just happened to come across Tyra and Mama Banks discussing the last elimination. Like, I am so sure. Tyra tells her mom that, after much deliberation among the judges, Cassie was sent home over full-figured Toccara. According to Tyra, this was very hard for Tyra, because Cassie confessed to her that she was bulimic, and Tyra "tried to get her help," which Cassie refused. I'm sorry, but Joy Bauer said that Cassie should talk to someone, Cassie refused, and no one said a word about it after that. Tyra -- who is on the verge of what I'm sure are totally real tears, given her face which is clearly genuinely concerned and not just outfitted in the "Up All Night Red" shade of eyeshadow -- didn't know what else she could do. Tyra's mom says it's not as if Tyra threw Cassie away, and that you can only do so much to help a person who is lost. Cassie needs to do some soul-searching and look within to find the strength to get the help that she needs, and also the strength to do her routine hanging from the trapeze that was just installed at the Foxy Lady where she works. And then we hear the vocals to "Shake Ya Body" which the drummer accidentally tripped, and Tyra does a hoedown and runs off of the set. That is how fake this moment is. And it totally happened three months after they were done shooting the show. And it's a wad of flaming poop.
Toccara interviews that at the last elimination, Nolé said that America wasn't ready to see a plus-sized top model. Toccara says that her mission is to break the norm and show that big girls can be high-fashion too. Eva prepares burritos for Ann and Norelle (which departs only slightly from Ann's usual taco lunch) and wonders how fattening it is. She gets a little excitable, and Ann says, "Oh stop it, not today, please." An argument over a burrito was exactly how Ellen and Anne's descent began, so I fear that this is a bad sign. Eva interviews that the other girls see her as loud and crazy, but that she has feelings and layers. And rest assured that one of those layers is a practical flannel. But in the competition, she acts tough because all of her guards are up. Ann says that the burritos are low in carbohydrates. A sulky Yaya replies, "Carbohydrates, schmarbohydrates." Ah, the eloquence that can only come with an Ivy League education! Yaya interviews that she comes "from a different place" than the other girls (at this we get a great shot of Ann belching) and that she's not getting swept up in the superficial world of modeling. Yeah, I totally got that when she was prancing around in her rack of designer dresses last week. And when she agreed to be on this show. Anyway, the subtext of this whole thing is that Yaya is educated and sophisticated, but the reality, of course, is that she's a snotty snit. She says to Ann, "Did you ever think that this low-carb fascination is...[eyes wide, patronizing tone, sounding like she's talking to a retarded child] a GIMMICK?" And again I totally agree with her, but it's all in the tone. Ann interviews that Yaya has a bitchy attitude and thinks she knows everything. For the record, Yaya also has some major shine and a shoebox diorama of the Appalachian Trail on the left side of her face.
Ann answers a knock on the door, and two men and a woman appear. The first introduces herself as "Rebecca Weinberg. I'm a stylist. An Emmy Award-winning stylist." First of all, she is dressed like a refugee from an '80s video set in a hospital ("She Blinded Me With Science," maybe? But less hot). Second of all, she has an ugly blonde streak in the front of her hair that is pulled up into a little greasy pouf and makes her completely reminiscent of a highlighted Ed Grimley. And third of all, it is so not cool to introduce yourself and tout your accolades. That would be like me saying, "Hi, I'm Potes. I'm a recapper. A recapper with a love thread" and expecting people to be impressed. You can tell right off that she's such a loser. The two guys are Paul Wilmot and Hampton Carney, publicists. And I wish Kelle were still around just so we could see her doodling "Mrs. Hampton Carney" on the back of her notebook. The publicists are wearing blazers and ties with jeans. Oooh, you crazy hipsters! Paul says that they are there to give the girls a tutorial about image and give them some tips on how to present themselves at events. Because the red carpet looms so large in their collective futures. They will also have one-on-ones with Rebecca, who will help them go through their closets and give them advice on creating their own personal "looks." For some reason, I'm picturing a lot of "neon green and culottes are so cool!" There is a shot of Rebecca at this time, and she has pulled the v-neck of her shirt (itself a cast off from the J. Geils "Freeze Frame" video) to reveal a calligraphied "R" tattooed on her shoulder. I can think of but one example of a person who can rock the "first initial" look, and that is the award-winning bottlecapper Miss Laverne Defazio. And you, Rebecca Weinberg, are no Laverne Defazio.
Paul and Hampton start with Yaya, who says that she is "a very worldly individual" and just graduated from an Ivy League university. She says that she can talk to people about almost anything, but that she isn't sure what kind of conversation is appropriate in the fashion world. See, the thing about Ivy League graduates is that they really can talk to people about almost anything, but what they don't realize is that other people are rolling their eyes throughout and later reporting what assholes they are. Not that I'm generalizing, mind you. Hampton tells her that if she doesn't think that she knows all the answers, people will like her better, much like the viewing audience liked her more before we got to hear her speak.
Rebecca (hereafter known as Grimley), meanwhile, tells Amanda to pick the five favorite things from her closet. She tells Amanda that her selections look cheap. Which, Amanda really does have the worst wardrobe. Amanda tells Grimley that she is very poor. This would have totally been the time to whip out the "I am legally blind" excuse, if you ask me. Grimley says that the idea is to make cheap look stylish.
Paul and Hampton talk to Eva, who complains that everybody thinks she's a diva. To circumvent this, Paul suggests that she always show the best possible manners to prove that she's a nice person.
Grimley looks at Yaya's wardrobe and says that her style is very "earth mother." Yaya says, "I wouldn't mind sticking to that style." Grimley says that's fine, but that she shouldn't show up for a toothpaste ad wearing a dashiki. Yaya says that she doesn't have to conform to be successful. Grimley suggests a little more variety and color, which will help to preset "the happy Yaya" rather than the usual "bitchface Yaya."
Ann tells Paul and Hampton that she's not the most proper girl, and they advise her to say things intelligently. Well, good luck there.
Grimley tells Toccara that her wardrobe has too many trendy "throwaway clothes." Toccara tells Grimley, "My clothes are fabulous." Grimley says, "You're B.S.-ing me." Well, I think that Grimley is B.S.-ing anyone who would hire her to advise on looking good. She's also totally butch. She interviews that Toccara lacks a little bit of personal style. If "Toccara" is a code word for "Grimley-esque Rebecca Weinberg," then I am in agreement.
Grimley says that Eva's style is "eclectic, comfortable," and that she needs to broaden her horizons. So basically the advice she gives to everybody is, "More variety. Get something dressy." She'd like to see Eva own up to her potential stardom.
Amanda says to Paul and Hampton, "I'm probably one of the most unique girls here. I'm legally blind." And the editors mercifully cut out the rest of her retinitis pigmentosa spiel. Paul says that she has a unique opportunity to become an emblem for success for others suffering from delusionalitis exaggerationis.
Grimley says that Norelle's wardrobe is so youthful that it's childlike, and that she needs more sophistication.
Nicole tells Paul and Hampton that she likes art (read: bisexual) and isn't a big follower of pop culture. She doesn't know if she will have to pretend, for example, to like Jessica Simpson. Oh, honey, for the love of God, no. ["Funny how that reference was right at her fingertips, though. I think someone's copy of ArtForum has an Us Weekly secretly tucked inside it." -- Wing Chun] Hampton gives her a look like he wants to nail her right then and there, and tells her that if the topic comes up, she can give an answer that is true to herself without being a jerk. At this point the camera pulls back, and we see that Paul is wearing a woven black loafer with no socks. Just, ew. Paul says, "No negatives." It's a good thing that recappers don't have to meet with these guys.
Grimley calls Ann "a little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll." I love that the hippest reference she can come up with is to the Osmonds. But secretly, how great would it be if the Osmonds showed up in matching sequined outfits with their big teeth on display and sang that song right now? Grimley tells Ann to mix up her wardrobe.
Toccara wants feedback on being plus-sized, and Paul says that many of the big fashion houses are cutting larger sizes ["bullshit" -- Wing Chun], and that Toccara should have a great career ahead of her.
Toccara and Yaya discuss Grimley's advice. Yaya snits that she knows that she has to have versatility in her wardrobe, but that doesn't mean that she's going to look like something she's not, or that she's not going to "represent." There's a flashback to Grimley telling her that the 'fro and African print combination might be a little much. And Grimley really might not be so culturally sensitive. Yaya says that the whole point of her style is that she doesn't want to fit in.
Paul, Hampton, and Grimley say their goodbyes. Grimley says that it was nice meeting everyone, and Paul yells, "Make millions!" Given the context of this show and the careers of past "winners," I think that should be amended to an optimistic "Make tens of dollars!" Yaya gives them a dismissive wave of her hand and says, "I don't care."
The girls eat dinner at Uncle Jack's Steak House. Ann interviews that after her success last week, she thinks she has a good chance to win as long as she keeps competing. Someone is suddenly way too confident. That someone is Ann. Tyra appears, to great squealing, and hugs everyone. Tyra takes food off of the plates for various girls and says that she is notorious for doing that. Which I guess is better than being notorious for having a failed single and video she tried to pimp on her own reality show. For example. Norelle says that she has learned so much from this experience, but wonders what the girls have gotten themselves into, and how much this will affect their lives. Tyra says that the girls are being given a unique opportunity to hear directly the harsh criticism that models get, and that even though it's hard, they should consider that kind of direct feedback a luxury. I'm sorry, but if you think that I look like I have a penis, I really wish you'd keep it to yourself. Toccara asks Tyra to comment on whether America is ready for a plus-sized supermodel. Tyra says that to her it's kind of like being a black model was forty years ago, when opportunities were much more limited. Models such as Beverly Johnson, Iman, and Naomi Sims were pioneers in the field. Toccara has a lot working against her, and so will have to work harder. To get the same amount of respect as the other girls at the table, she has to be better than they. Toccara nods. She interviews that while she won't let it break her spirit, she's working against a lot of odds and has to always be on her game and ahead of the other girls.
And for the fourth week in a row, Toccara is the Cover Girl of the week. Oh, the irony.
Tyra mail! Nicole grabs the message, and Ann and Eva come up with the ingenious idea of playing a practical joke on the house and reading a fake Tyra Mail. I mean, come on, that's awesome. Nicole reads, "Pack your bags. You have twenty minutes...to be in EUROPE!" Nicole and Ann start squealing for realistic effect. Amanda jumps off the phone. Toccara looks at Nicole incredulously. Norelle claps with glee. Toccara then tries to grab the Tyra Mail from Nicole to look at it, and Nicole confesses that it was all a lie. Toccara says, "You lyin'. You're a ho." Models, you've been punk'd! Without the irritating trucker hat! Ha ha ha. Eva and Ann have a good laugh. Eva interviews that the whole house was pissed. I'm sorry, but the only thing wrong about this joke was that it didn't go on nearly long enough. Unsurprisingly, Yaya is not amused. She says, "Like, seriously, coming into this competition I did not realize that I was gonna feel like I was in junior high school." Oh, can it, Catherine Zit-a Jones. Ann says that she's going to throw up from laughing so much. Eva puts on a serious face and interviews, "No one wants to have fun around here." I am always with Eva.
The real Tyra Mail reads, "Get ready for a twenty-first-century red carpet ride." Oooh, mysterious! Actually, not at all. The girls go to the department store Century 21, which sells designer clothes on the cheap. There, they encounter Grimley. Oh, fucking Grimley. If only this were the last time that we see you and your increasingly hideous outfits and accessories. I don't even know how to describe her earrings. They kind of look like really long, red pieces of beef jerky. Or, like, the weird pieces of meat that float around in wonton soup. But longer. And I'm not at all sure that "unidentifiable meat products" is a good look for anyone, but then again, I'm not the professional. Grimley tells them that their challenge is to put together a head-to-toe look for a daytime event in fifteen minutes. Toccara interviews that she was ready to have a field day amongst all of the designer bargains. Grimley clicks her stopwatch and yells, "Go!" Pandemonium! The girls strip down and pull kind of heinous-looking clothes off of the overcrowded racks. Ann interviews that Grimley told her that she needed dressier clothes, and that's what she's focusing on. Yaya confessionalizes that she took her conversation with Grimley as "just that, a conversation," and that she doesn't need to compromise who she is to be successful. Or as she says, she's been successful without compromising who she is. Oh, whatever. You can graduate from an Ivy League school and still be a total dumb-ass. You can even be a re-elected dumb-ass. Toccara interviews that it was a struggle to find her size in Century 21. She says that she didn't want to blow off the competition, but that it was kind of a downer. You know, I was not surprised when Kelle was stripped of her last ounce of confidence and spirit, but to see Toccara in such a state is really disheartening. Grimley says that Toccara was kind of slow in the challenge. She says it in such a way that you know she thinks it was because Toccara is fat. I hate her.
Time's up! The girls have to wear what they've got. They are supposed to go home and get ready, and a limo will pick them up in a short while. While Toccara lounges in bed in her shower cap, Eva fixes her dress. Eva! So nice! Toccara complains that all of the dresses in her size were either too form fitting or tent-like. Eva interviews that she feels sorry for Toccara, but at the same time, she needs to step it up. Which, true. Toccara interviews that Eva is sweet and is optimistic about her, which is very helpful. And that statement was cobbled together from three totally different incidents, so I wouldn't take it at face value. You know it was like, "Eva is sweet in the loins, or so Ann tells me." "I am optimistic that the 'husky' department will have something in my size." "I am in possession of a three-foot long fork, which is very helpful when I want to spear a piece of rotisserie chicken without moving from my comfortable position in bed."
A limo drops the girls off at a building inside of which a mock red carpet complete with mock paparazzi has been set up. Eva is first. The paparazzi are calling her name and flashing photos, and there is a large screen upon which she is projected. Sarah Pyper from Us Weekly asks Eva if she has time to answer a few questions. Sarah is holding a microphone that is obviously not plugged in, as she puts it in front of Eva before she has finished asking her question. Sarah asks who Eva is wearing, and then asks who the most annoying girl in the group is. Eva interviews (to us, not to Sarah), "What kind of freaking questions are those," and says that Paul and Hampton have schooled her well and warned her never to name names or pinpoint anyone. Eva charmingly tells Sarah, "Everyone is equally annoying." Sarah says, "That's fantastic, thank you very much." Sarah is wildly toothy.
Yaya is , and hams it up on the red carpet. She does not fall for Sarah's trap, saying that she doesn't have a problem with anyone in the house. She does an annoying series of poses.
When Sarah asks Norelle whom she doesn't click with, Norelle pauses for a moment and then says, "Ummm....her name is Yaya." Oh, Norelle. Except you know that Paul and Hampton never told her not to name names. Because she's pretty dumb, but I think she would be able to follow rudimentary advice.
, Amanda. She properly answers Sarah's question, and then goes into a total pose for the cameras as soon as she's done.
Ann does a fine job, as does Nicole, even though her super-red lips are threatening to jump out of my TV and eat me. And not in a good way.
Finally, Toccara comes out looking great in her dress, and then says she is wearing "John...Paul...Gott-ee-air..." and laughs at her own pronunciation deficiency. And I'm just saying that anyone who has witnessed Madonna in her cone boobs bustier stage should know how to pronounce "Gaultier." Sarah agrees that this is poor form.
While waiting for their results, the girls discuss how no one with a brain would honestly answer Toothella's prying questions. This prompts Norelle to pipe up and say to Yaya, "I said your name in mine! Ha!" The best part of this is that Norelle seems to have no regrets about the whole thing. She says that she told Sarah that Yaya had a wall built up, which was understandable. Yaya says in a fakey high voice, "No comment. Ha!" She is totally taken aback. She interviews that she "wasn't weally supwised" because Norelle is flaky and the two have not made a connection. I love how it's Norelle's fault for being flaky and not Yaya's for being an asshat.
Sarah says that the girls did well overall, and that sometimes the red carpet can be a scary place. Particularly if Sharon Stone breaks her restraining order and comes within fifty feet of it. Yes, the red carpet tried to file a restraining order against Sharon Stone, and I personally think it made a good case. Sarah generally compliments everyone, but says that Norelle shouldn't name names and that Yaya had a bit of a diva attitude, which sometimes comes across badly. Eva interviews, "Yaya, she has diva syndrome, which translated as a bitch." And yes, I know that it's all wrong grammatically, but you can't argue with the message. Sarah admonishes Toccara for not knowing how to pronounce her designer's name. In the end, Yaya wins the competition. Eva's face immediately drops. Like, she doesn’t even pretend to be anything other than horrified. Awesome. Ann interviews that Yaya has won three challenges in a row: "Are you kidding?" Yaya says that it feels good to win. She chooses Norelle to share in her prize, saying that she doesn't understand why Norelle wouldn't like her. I have a few hours of footage and twenty-odd pages of forums that might clue her in. Yaya interviews that she chose Norelle to make her feel that Yaya is more approachable and warmer. It's all about the illusion, since Yaya is obviously neither. Poor Norelle, forced to make dinner conversation with her.
Yaya's prize is a meal prepared in the apartment by Nu Kitchen, which, in Norelle's words, is "boys that, like, come to your house and cook." Norelle says she feels like Yaya has a wall built up, but that it's understandable, since they are in a competition and she might not want to get too close to people. No, Norelle, it's because she thinks she's better than everyone else. Don't be fooled. But then, the world's greatest thing happens. Yaya says, "Maybe it is a wall, you know, with nine blocks that spell out 'competition." Which is awesome, because 'competition' has eleven letters. And even better -- and I had to watch the scene about four times before I caught this -- after she says this, Norelle kind of looks to the side for a second, deep in thought, and smiles a little. Because even fucking Norelle can count. Yaya, you are dumber than Norelle. To that, I say a big fat, "Ha!" Yaya's reply to all of this, of course, would be, "Actually, I was allocating one block for every letter in 'competito.' I have this pesky habit of thinking in POR-TU-GAYSE. I must have picked that up during my time at an Ivy League university." Yaya says that she has no tolerance for fakeness, that she can sum up Norelle by the word "growth," and then says that she doesn't hear Norelle speak a lot, but that when she does, she says profound things. Norelle, all the while, is picking her teeth with a stirrer. Profoundly. Norelle interviews that she is glad that she got the opportunity to get to know Yaya a little better. Norelle is really just too nice.
Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow you'll be draped in the finest silk in the world." The girls meet Jay, who tells them that they're doing another beauty shot, which is special because they'll also be wearing diamonds. Eva gets really excited about this and screams, "Yay!" Which is funny because everyone else is really subdued. The photographer is Bill Diodado. The girls get made up and talk about how fabulous the shoot will be. And then, Jay calls the girls together, and I notice that he is wearing a collar that is the approximate size of a neck brace. He says that since they don't want this to look like a "typical jewelry ad" (read: nice), they have someone else for the girls to pose with. Out walks a short, frumpy lady who is vaguely reminiscent of the fan club president who killed Selena; she has a tarantula on her hand. A shaken Eva asks, "Are we posing with her or the spider?" And I actually think it would be five hundred times more fun to watch them try to sell jewelry with Yolanda Saldivar's doppelganger in the shot. Jay tells the girls that the spider is very safe, but that they have EMS present just in case. And this brings me back to the five-step emergency rescue poster by the side of my pool in high school. "Are you OK? Are you OK? Call EMS!" I am curious as to whether people actually follow this protocol in real-life emergency situations, so I am hoping that something goes horribly awry. Again, put Yolanda Saldivar in the shot and the viewing audience wins. Eva hates spiders. She is not at all psyched. Commercials.
Eva reiterates that she's scared as Nicole coolly lets the tarantula walk all over her face. Nicole interviews, "Bad-ass Miss Eva couldn't handle it. You know, I don't think she's the toughest and baddest of us all; she's just the loudest." First, though Nicole takes a good photo, she regularly looks pretty fug in person. Second, it's not like Eva saw a daddy longlegs run across the floor and then fainted onto the divan whilst clutching her pearls. This is a huge, hairy tarantula walking on someone's face. I think it's an acceptable cause for mild terror. Jay says that Nicole was great to shoot, and that 50% of her frames were amazing, which is a good percentage for any model. In makeup, the girls joke about the spider and Ann notches up the bravado, saying that she's not scared. She interviews, "A stupid spider is not going to stop me from, like, pursuing my dream." That's because her dream is to be a lifeguard at the lesbian commune, which you know entails a good deal of "back to nature" nonsense. Eva asks if they can talk about something else, and Ann interviews, "Eva's, like, flipping out like a child who throws a fit. Hello, McFly! Like, stay focused." And, as many a forum poster has pointed out, Miss "Hold me, Mama, I'm afraid to fly!" had no business ragging on someone else's phobia. But the "McFly" bit was kind of funny. But all in all, Ann's just a jerk.
Yaya poses well. Her hair is long and straight and she looks nothing like herself. Boring, boring, boring. Amanda says that she felt the spider's leg go into her cornea. Which is affected by a rare disease called...well, you know the drill. Jay tells her to keep still and the spider will stay out of her eye. I think, though, that like many of us, the spider is dubious about Amanda's condition and thought while it was in such close proximity it might as well check out the old retinas for itself. I think that the spider is named "Harry." Harry T. Rantula. I can't wait for Harry to smack down the wardrobe artist for having nothing that will accommodate his eight legs. "Do you think that I can get a whole rack of pants that will fit you? Haute couture just isn't ready." Harry has to work fifteen times as hard as the other models, and also runs the constant risk of being squashed, or murdered by his handler Yolanda Saldivar. Jay sneers that Amanda is getting a little "commercial-looking" (oh, here we go), and that up close she might not be a great beauty girl. Amanda hasn't been bugging me that much lately, so this doesn't give me the joy that one might expect. Since the election I've really been impervious to pleasure or pain. I'm dead inside. Eva is crying. Danilo jokes that there will be only one spider fatality today, and says that Eva's face is panic-stricken. Eva apologizes to the makeup artist. See, she's not actually throwing a snit fit or anything, she's just scared. Amanda interviews that seeing Diva Eva in fear of a spider makes her more human. Harry interviews that he is the one who should be scared, given the giant size of Eva's nostrils.
Norelle does not feel comfortable. Jay says that she is only comfortable with a face full of makeup and a camera pulled off of her. Toccara calls Harry "The Itsy Bitsy Spider." Harry gives her a poke in the eye for this. ["Your arachnid stereotypes offend me greatly." -- Harry T. Rantula] Yaya tells Toccara to try to read the judges' faces, and we hear Bill saying that he did the best he could. Toccara looks disappointed. , Ann. Ann asks if the spider can be moved down a little bit, and Harry obligingly moseys to her chi . ["Even I can take direction better than Ann." -- Harry T. Rantula] Jay says to Ann, "Help me help you overcome this, 'cause I'm totally at a loss." Can someone get him career counseling? They get a beautiful shot (which is not the shot that they use at the judging panel, by the way). Bill says that they had to shoot 125 frames to get a shot, which is not good. Jay tells Bill that Ann is consistently flat on film.
Finally, Eva. She tells the crew to hurry up and get the shoot over with. She keeps cool for a while, but once the handlers move Harry about halfway through the shoot, she starts to cry. Amanda and Yaya look on with mild glee. Eva apologizes as Makeup touches her up. They take some more photos, and Jay tells Bill that he might as well stop torturing Eva, and that she's having a hard time. He says, "She could get cut 'cause of this." Except he's totally talking about someone else, because Eva looked great. Eva cries some more and voices over that she's proud to have gotten through the shoot, but disappointed that she showed her vulnerability.
At home, Eva talks to her mother and recounts the story of the day. Her mother gasps in horror at the mention of Harry's name. Eva says that it was horrible. ["You think it was a picnic for me, Pigford?" -- Harry T. Rantula] Eva is wearing big puffy cheetah slippers. She cries to her mom that she doesn't want to get sent home, and that any mistake that you make can mean the end in the high-stress world of competitive reality shows. Nicole interviews that Eva was worried about "her inability to perform with a spider on her face," and that being upset over such a thing means that she's not really cut out to be America's Top Model. Dial it down there a little, Miss Personality. Eva feels vulnerable.
And now it's time for the Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week, presented in its entirety to make you giggle senselessly. Starring Jay Manuel and Elsa Benitez.
[The setting is a salon. Techno music typically found in any gay disco underscores the action.]
Small Orange Man: [with gusto, and apparently wearing a neck brace] Okay, Elsa, it's time to do a little undercover work.
Horsy Foreign Model: [punnily, even though she has only a rudimentary understanding of the language] Clue me in!
SOM: [matter-of-factly] Well, the first secret to concealers is, go for one that's just a shade lighter than your natural skin tone. Try this one!
HFM: [pleasurably] Oh! I love the way this glides right on.
SOM: [slyly, breaking into a wide grin] Use it under your eyes, around your nose, even on your eyelids to even them out. It's designed to hide a little, [with small guffaw] or a lot.
HFM: [hands on hips, incredulously] Hey!
SOM: [in an ass-kissing style that is quite familiar to him] As far as I'm concerned, you're perfect.
HFM [prominently displaying product] Well now I am.
You know, nothing is ever going to live up to the pinnacle that was "Smells like cupcakes." This is why Harper Lee never wrote another novel.
Tyra Mail. Tomorrow you meet with the judges. Someone is going home. Toccara says that everyone is iffy about the panel, and that even though she was down during the week, she's going to be her fabulous self and give it all that she has. Eva calls herself a punk, and says that she feels like shit. She doesn't know if her pictures will reflect how upset she was. Ann is also nervous, because she's consistently so awful.
Panel. Usually we are introduced with a shot of Tyra in which she poses using the same concept as the models. Not this time, though. ["I refuse to work with that bitch. Her forehead makes me look much too diminutive." -- Harry T. Rantula] Tyra and her new, giant 'fro welcome the girls. It totally beats down Yaya's 'fro, because it is the biggest and baddest 'fro of all. It doesn't actually have a pick sticking out of it, but it totally could. Prizes. Judges. Tyra calls Janice "the first supermodel to exist ever on this planet," and Janice reiterates, "First!" Nigel and Nolé are there, of course, but no Empress Minnie. And the guest judge is Grimley, who looks worse than ever. Grimley administers the girls' test. They are given a choice of five hats and must build a wardrobe around one in fifteen minutes. Janice models the leather cap with her collagen implants (and other implants) on full display, and totally looks like she could be on the cover of the video "Slut Biker Hos in Lesbo-land." The hats are: biker, kente cloth, tiara, '40s veil and feather, and straw cowboy. While Grimley talks, Janice puts the cap on backwards. She has no attention span, or concept of where she is. The girls have fifteen minutes.
They return in their gear. Nicole is first. She's wearing the leather hat with the tiara on top, along with ripped jeans, a skull-and-crossbones tanktop, and a spiked dog collar. I am amazed that she had all those things in her wardrobe. Nigel is scared of her, and Grimley says that her look is too fantasy, and not fashion. Ann is all, "Believe you me, dykes on bikes are a total reality." The judges ooh and ahh over Nicole's photo, although Grimley says that it looks more like an album cover. The judges are unimpressed with Toccara's simple jeans and white tank top with the cowboy hat. Janice is surprised that she didn't come out all, "Yeee haw! I'm Toccara!" Toccara is really subdued in reaction to the judges' comments. Janice says that, in her photo, the tarantula is taking over the photo and the jewelry and that it looks like "a big hairy mole. A tarantula mole." ["Shut up, chicks with dicks." -- Harry T. Rantula] Nolé says that it's a great shot for the spider. ["Yes!" -- Harry T. Rantula] Janice asks Toccara how she felt with a live spider on her face. Toccara says calmly that it was a great experience. Janice screams, "That's it? Who are you? Pull it out! What the hell happened?" Tyra notes that something's weird, and that Toccara seems to have checked out. Nigel tells her to re-install her personality chip. Hmm. Toccara totally knows she's out, doesn't she?
The judges like Amanda's outfit, which complements the '40s veil feather hat. Nigel says she looks like Annie Lennox, and I wish they would stop taking Annie Lennox's name in vain. The judges don't love Amanda's photo at all. They say that she's stiff, and that it looks old-fashioned. I don't know, I actually think it's kind of pretty. (I know, I know. What's happening to me?)
, Ann, who looks a mess in her cowboy hat and ugly outfit. Nigel calls her a disaster, and then points out that her t-shirt is dirty. Haaaa! Oh, man. Everyone is scandalized about that. Grimley says that her lack of interest in clothing is very apparent, that she should throw out her ugly skirt, and chuck the Ugg Boots while she's at it. Janice agrees that the Uggs are over. And thank God a pearl of wisdom came out of this episode. I think that Ann's photo looks really good, but the judges don't like it at all. Tyra notes that the photographer said that Ann's eyes were dead, and that they only had one good shot of her. What about that one they showed during the shoot?
Norelle picked the '40s hat because she thinks that she's a classic beauty. She paired it with a black tank top and white skirt, and the judges think that she looks pretty, but needs to learn how to wear clothes better. Norelle's photo is relatively good, but her mouth looks tense.
Eva chose the leather hat and paired it with a tiny leather skirt and cute button-down shirt. The judges think that she looks cheap. Her photo kills. Raves all around. Eva is amazed, and tells the judges that she was petrified of the spider. Janice yells, "Try posing on a live crocodile, honey!" And I think that this explains those half human, half reptilian creatures that are rumored to run rampant through the swamps of Florida. Eva is pleased.
And then, fucking Yaya. Tyra asks her why she chose the cowboy hat. Yaya says, "It's more on the simple side...so that I can go crazy with accessories and express myself without being...cliché." Oh, man. Here we go. Nigel says that he thinks she looks beautiful, and that everyone probably pegged her as going for the traditional African hat. And I'm sorry, but that hat was a refugee from the opening credits of The Cosby Show midway through its run. It just wasn't cool. And how was she supposed to fit that over her 'fro? Nolé is not feeling the outfit, and says that she looks Half-rican, and like she's about to ride a giraffe. Grimley says that Yaya has an intensity to prove her "Africanness" -- and at this there is a slow-mo shot of Tyra glaring at Grimley -- which is sometimes overbearing. Yaya begins to snit, "In response to trying to prove myself as an African" -- and Janice starts to sneer right about here -- "that's just where I come from, it's very natural to me." And now Yaya's voice starts cracking like Peter Brady's. But she did not yet learn the lesson that when it's time to change, you have to rearrange. She gets an extra helping of attitude, complete with pointing, and says, "And I did not choose that hat for the very specific reason that it's very cliché," and at this someone lets out a big guffaw, "and the fabric that it's made from is very artificial, very cheap, fake kente." Nigel gets a total dad voice and just quietly says, "Yaya." Tyra says that Yaya is being defensive, which is not attractive. Yaya gets a look on her face and tone in her voice as if she's describing scraping shit off of her shoe, and says, "Just because we had a talk about, you know" -- insert finger quotes here -- "Afrocentricity before, and it's kind of...misunderstood." Tyra says that she's all about expressing your culture, but that Yaya's outfit doesn't say, "Look at me," it says, "Look over there. At that fake kente cloth hat. Can you believe it? So cliché." She has built a wall with six blocks that spell "bitchface." Everyone raves over Yaya's photo, though. Crap.
The judges deliberate. Toccara is a shell of herself. Nigel says that when the first met Toccara, she had a "massive bubbly personality" that went along with her massive bubbly butt. He actually says "physique," which is technically the same thing. Tyra says that Toccara has the potential to be a star, but walked in today like she had already given up. Norelle is still not quite there, but she is photogenic. Eva nailed the shoot. Janice says that she is flawless except for her hands, which look like baseball mitts. Okay, I am totally back to loving Janice. Yaya's photo is amazing, but she's an ass. Tyra says that she has a superior, condescending attitude. I am glad that the judges are fully clued in to this. The judges say that Nicole didn't quite pull off her picture, which is weird, because Jay loved her and the judges loved her before. Tyra isn't sure that Nicole has the personality to be a star. Everyone hates Ann. They judges think that Amanda is resting on "pretty," and needs to step up her game.
Seven girls, six photos. The girls still in the running are Nicole, Eva, Amanda, Yaya. And we take a bit of a break here. Tyra says that Yaya's photo is glamorous and amazing, but that her style is not. She is about to send Yaya into the winner's lineup, and then Yaya, of her own accord, apologizes for being defensive. She says that she took in everything that the stylist said and was outside of herself. Janice starts to laugh. Yaya walks away, but Tyra calls her back and says that she has another critique that she forgot. She says, "You need to apologize to the fake kente cloth African hat." Did she really just ask her to apologize to a hat? See, sometimes you can kind of feel Yaya for thinking that she's too smart for this show. Tyra continues, "It was like you were on this pedestal and this hat smelled like dookie." Did she really just say "dookie"? Tyra continues to admonish Yaya for her attitude, and tells her to put it in check. The girl still in the running is Norelle, who looks a bit surprised.
Will Toccara and Ann please step forward? Toccara seemed to have the drive from the beginning. Ann seemed to be a competitor. But right now, neither of them looks like a model, or a model in the making. Tyra says, "We can't send two of you home, because maybe one of you wants it a little bit more than the other." No, they can't send two home because those are the rules. Congratulations, Ann. You're still in the running toward becoming America's Top Model. Boo! Janice says, "Good luck, Toccara." Toccara hugs the girls and leaves. She says that she believes that she should be there for the final three, but that she's proud of herself. She's the largest woman to be on the show, and made it the farthest. She thinks that she might be breaking barriers for someone else, for which she's grateful. I feel like I would be sadder, except that Toccara really didn't do much this episode. But historically, I loved her, and I actually feel that, of all the girls, she might have a shot at some success. Goodbye, Toccara! And please put that chicken in the fridge!
Coming up on America's Top Model: Yaya is still an ass, and her winning streak becomes an issue in the house. The girls take an acting class with the diminutive but sexy Mr. Taye Diggs, and the adorable baby that was foisted on him when his brother died, or whatever Kevin Hill is about. Tyra comes out dressed like a nurse (yeah, I don't know) to tell the girls to pack their bags because they're going to....? Clue: the second line of the stanza ends with the words, "Smoky ho." You figure out the rhyme scheme yourself.