Being a top model is a dream shared by girls everywhere, or so Tyra tells us over clips of her young, skinny, model-y self. We are treated to bits of audition videos from Toccara and Norelle. And then -- more Tyra. Wait there for a minute while I muster up some excitement. Hey, that's Adrianne! Shandi! Yoanna! The fish tank! Lots of girls crying! And then lots of screaming as Tyra tells us that, out of thousands of girls who applied, only a select few made it to the semi-finals in Los Angeles. And those select few were completely spontaneously surprised, as we see by their filmed spontaneous reactions as they get their completely surprise phone call from the show. We are treated to bits of the semi-final interviews, beer in the weave (oh! I miss the first episode of this show), the pool party, and revelations of legal blindness. Now, only five girls remain! This is the most important episode ever, Tyra tells us, because of all the new old footage that we'll see. All this before the credits! I'm already exhausted. ["Speaking of which: no links in this recap to past episodes. You want to remember them, you can read the past recaps your own self." -- Wing Chun]
Tropical islands! Sunshine! Beautiful scenery! We are in Jamaica, where fourteen girls started their journey toward famewhoredom and eventual obscurity. We hear The Dowager Jay Manuel tell the girls that one of them will be eliminated in this tropical paradise. There's lots of footage of the wannabe models getting made up, with lots of rubbing of oils to slick up their bottoms and make them shine. Look at Eva's little bum! Leah (yeah, remember her?) is having a hard time. Wow: at the time, I thought she was pretty, but her eyes are totally trying to hypnotize me through my screen. She is frightening.
Toccara says, "I hope they have my size today." Yaya says that they don't. Can you believe it! This might add a little more legitimacy to Toccara's reaction to the stylist a few episodes ago. Toccara says that whatever outfit they give her, she will work it. Toccara comes out in a leopard-print one piece that prompts a stunned Norelle to say, "Crap. Your boobs are as big as my head." Oh, remember when Norelle had braces! I am enjoying this memory lane stroll thus far. But we're only six minutes into the show, so that's not saying much. Toccara thinks she looks faaabulous.
Photographers shoot. Jay Manuel is useless. And then there's Magdalena, who says she wasn't as focused as she should be, and is also butt ugly. Magdalena has no neck and couldn't find the fire in her eyes. Fire in the eyes, Magdalena, fire in the eyes! Have you not learned ANYTHING? Leah is also having problems, but has a hot body. Oooh, long-haired Norelle! Dark-haired Ann! Oooh, good times. The girls talk about Magdalena's elimination. Secretly, no one cares -- not even the girls who pretend to. Kelle and Ann are holding pixilated cigarettes. Kelle says, "And then there were thirteen," and gives Ann a high five.
Back in New York, the girls moved into their garish digs at the Waldorf Astoria. That place is seriously like the worst Hildi room on Trading Spaces, times thirteen. Ann and Eva wanted to room together, but things didn't quite shake out that way. Eva is fine with that, but Ann is upset. The whole thing goes a little something like this:
Ann: But Eva, I love you [sob, sob, sob]! Be my girlfriend and share my bed and celebrate the great lesbian independence of 1969 with me every night!
Eva: Bitch, you crazy.
In a bit of new footage, Toccara, Yaya, and Jennipher (remember 'Pher?) discuss the scene between Ann and Eva. Yaya says that the whole thing was extra-dramatic, and made it seem like Eva and Ann they had been friends for years. She makes a good point, but her eyes are in little slits that emanate evil. Jennipher says that it will be funny when one of the two leaves. She says that Ann will freak out if Eva leaves, but that if Ann leaves, Eva won't give a shit. Well, since your sorry ass was eliminated in the fifth episode, I guess you'll have to watch it on TV like the rest of us, won't you, Jennipher?
The girls line up at panel. A super-cute Toccara shares, "When I was in high school, I did modern dance and jazz and tap, and when I got older I did a little exotic dancing." No way! (And at this, Cassie thinks to herself, "Damn! I need to find another little girl lost storyline, and pronto!") Janice screams, "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!" and, not to be outdone, does a stripper dance of her own. Tyra says, "Give us some, Janice!" as if Janice needs any more encouragement. Janice rubs her bottom in Nolé's face and slinkily says, "Exotic! Dance!" Nolé loves it. Oh, Janice is the best. I had a feeling that we'd have a few chestnuts from her in the additional footage (and believe you me, the best is yet to come). The judges felt that Ann had no passion, and that Leah's rhythm was off. As Tyra says, Leah should have been more like, "Roll...snap! Roll...snap!" with her head, instead of, "Snap. Snaaap." Leah says, "Got it," as if that made any sense. Leah goes home anyway.
And...makeovers! Oh, I remember it well! Ann says that she's very open-minded. Cut to a post-makeover shot, where she is crying and says, "I hate short hair on me." Meanwhile, her hair is like, an inch shorter. If anything, she should be complaining about the skunk streaks that they put in her hair. Pepe LePew is seriously trying to woo her. That is how bad Ann's highlights are. Jennipher is also unhappy and sobs as her ugly super-long hair is cut. I bet she is totally growing that shit out as we speak. Bad move, Pocatello. Bad move. Yaya tells the obviously annoyed stylist that her hair needs to be combed out from tip to root, and that she would rather do it herself. Amanda loves her new look, which she describes as "Donatella Versace meets Lord of the Rings." And that's....good? I mean, at least try to pick some attractive people. It's like, "Wow, Tiffany! Your new look is like a cross between Charles Nelson Reilly and Bea Arthur!" Tyra voices over that Amanda's new look frightened some of the other girls, and Toccara says that she wouldn't want to be locked in a room with Amanda at night, or something similar. Oh, Toccara is so pretty.
Norelle won a makeup challenge, and got to attend a fashion party with three friends (Eva, Ann, and "Kristi"), while the other girls had to serve on the catering staff. At the party, Amanda is assigned trash duty and says that she's worried about it because...and you might want to sit down here...she's legally blind. She says to Kelle, "Kelle, I'm doing trash, and trash has to walk around." Just like she is walking around now, coincidentally! She continues, "And it's dark in there and my vision..." And Kelle simply says, "I'm sorry, I can't do trash." Ha! Oh, I love Kelle so very much. She says to Yaya that it's okay if Yaya wants to switch (in addition to having retinitis pigmentosa, she is apparently also studying to be a reverse psychologist), and Yaya says, "I won't just because that's not what we're assigned." Amanda then runs to the bathroom and begins crying. She says that she doesn't want to embarrass herself by running into something, or hurting herself, or knocking somebody over. That's actually what she says. Dude, I think if she was so worried about embarrassing herself, she might have considered keeping her yap shut at the beginning of the season. Or not coming on this show at all, actually. Yaya agrees to switch with Amanda, which is probably the only nice thing she's ever done on the show, or ever. Yaya says that it didn't seem that dark. She picks up tiny bits of litter. Which, ha, except that I'm hating Amanda again right now. When Yaya comes back in the kitchen, Amanda says, "You're hot for picking up trash!" Yaya scowls at her. Hee! Oh, I liked Yaya for a minute there. Just a minute, though.
, the girls do a makeup-free beauty shot. Cassie reveals to Amanda that she has an eating disorder. The whole thing goes something like this:
Cassie: Amanda, I'm bulimic! Don't tell anybody.
Amanda: Sure, okay. [Waits precisely one minute, during which she acquires a megaphone.] Hey everybody, guess what? Cassie's bulimic!
Everybody: Bulimia is wrong! Booooo!
Cassie's photo was great, though, so then everyone forgot that she was bulimic, or didn't care anymore.
Oh, and then a bad memory. Julie told the panel that she wanted to start her own manufacturing company. They kicked her off the show. Goodbye Julie! Also, Tyra totally hates Julie now. She was hardly in the clip show at all. Not fair!
And then, a tearful confessional that I'm surprised we didn't see earlier. Cassie cries on the phone to her mom that she has been lying to her. She says that she's done what she's done so that she wouldn't have to burden her family financially. Her mother hopes it wasn't anything very bad. Cassie says that it wasn't ("No, Mom, I am not a prostitute"), but that her mom wouldn't approve of what she's done. Her mom guesses that Cassie has been stripping. Cassie says that she doesn't do it anymore (lies!). Her mom says, "Oh, God. I do not want you living that kind of life." Well, then, help her fill out a freaking Stafford Loan application, Mom. Cassie says she feels better that she was honest with her mom, but that this one conversation won't be the end. Because she has so very many other issues that bear discussing.
The Cover Girl of the Week is Eva. One particularly astute viewer notes, "She puts the 'Eva' in 'Deva.'" Thanks, Jennifer R., third-place runner up in the Pocatello spelling bee! (Also known as the "Pocatello Spell-O.")
And now it's time for runway training school with J. Alexander! J. tells Eva that she looks like she's chewing gum between her legs. He tells Yaya that she's slow as hell. "Kristi" looks dead, and is serving a plig team in a bowl of nothing. Yeah, I still don't know what he says there.
The girls put their lesson to the test in a "private fashion show" for Heatherette. It was at this point in the episode that my dad, who was watching Top Model for the very first time, said, "Boy, are there a lot of freaky people on this show." We see Amanda's hilarious tongue-rolling on the catwalk. The girls walk in their crazy outfits. Eva says that she loves runway. Norelle falls. Others laugh. Norelle is good-naturedly distressed and says, "Thank goodness I fell by a pole."
J. visits the girls and announces that Eva is the challenge winner. Eva does a booty dance and yells, "In your tall bitches' face!" The other girls were not happy. Jennipher confronts Eva in the hallway, and there is some yelling. And then, Jennipher pushes Ann. Ann says, "Don't ever touch me again or else you will get knocked out." Jennipher says, "I'd like to see it." At this point, my dad just laughed heartily. Eva confronts Jennipher again. She asks why her reaction to winning the challenge was rude. And at this point, Yaya -- whom nobody has asked for an opinion, mind you -- says, "I didn't think it was rude, I thought it was hilarious." Eva starts to say, "Thank you," but Yaya continues, "Not hilarious in the way that you should say thank you. Hilarious in the way like, 'Oh poor thing, she feels the need to not just feel good about herself but put other people down.'" Yaya, go suck an umeboshi. I can't believe that all of my early hatred was focused so squarely on Amanda. The editors really held out on the asshattishness of Yaya until mid-season. Speaking of which, we get no footage about the crystals. Bastards.
Before the shoot, Toccara asks J. for some advice on how to make her walk less bouncy in the boob area. He tells her to walk toe-heel, rather than heel-toe. Toccara and Ms. J., as many forum posters have pointed out, should totally be in a road-buddy comedy together, or in the new UPN version of The Odd Couple. They are the cutest. ["I so agree. I bet J. cried when they cut Toccara. He really seems very attached to her." -- Wing Chun]
The girls do a topless shot for Lee Jeans. "Kristi" hates her boobies and is nervous and uncomfortable. "Kristi" says that the confidence and skill to model aren't coming as fast as she would like. Janice and Nigel tell her to fake it until she makes it. Which might be a long while, because she is eliminated.
The girls then go to posing school with Miss Janice Dickinson. At this point, my dad said, "Who is that? That is one scary-looking woman." Janice teaches Yaya how to pose with her hands in her hair and says, "Stick 'em right into that wild hair like you're looking for lice." Ha! More Janice! Janice kicks Jennipher out of a photo and says, "You could do better even in Idaho." She tells the girls to suck in their stomachs at all time. Janice criticizes Kelle, who has been having kind of a rough time of it anyway. Kelle remarks that maybe she's not as cute as she thought she was, which makes me sad all over again.
The girls then meet Barney's creative director Simon Doonan, who outfits them in lingerie and poses them in La Perla's storefront. Simon likes Kelle a lot, and says that Jennipher is "a little dull, slash very dull." He tells her that she looks like she's had a Quaalude. Well, if she's following Janice's advice, that would make sense. Kelle wins the competition, and picks Amanda and Toccara to share in her lingerie prize. The other girls have to model the lingerie for them. The three winners sip champagne and watch the others walk in their undies. Kelle had a good time and for that, I am glad. Thank you, Simon Doonan!
Now, for more of what we didn't see. The girls had regular workouts with physical trainer Savvas. Ann says, "Our hot trainer Savvas kicked our ass today." Awww, Ann is attracted to Savvas! She must think that he is a woman! Eva throws up from the stress of the workout. Amanda says that she hasn't worked out since high school. Does being blind preclude physical fitness? Didn't she have that Posture Pete album, at least? I totally had that album. The girls scream that they hate Savvas.
The day, the girls have a photo shoots on roller skates. Disco music accompanies them. Well, until we get to Amanda. Then, a tender ballad is cued. It goes a little something like this:
Please, don't let this feeling end
It might not come again
And I want to remember
How it feels to touch you.
How I feel so much.
Since I found you.
Looking through the eyes of love.
And then Amanda finds the courage to skate despite her disability, thanks to the love of her boyfriend Robby Benson. But be careful of the roses on the rink! Wait, I think I just teared up a little.
Jennipher was good on skates, but generally sucks. Guest judge LeVar Burton says that Jennipher is a pretty face, but it starts...and stops...there. Jennipher is eliminated, and shows us her horrible bottom teeth. Commercials.
Apparently, so many women living together equals big mess in the house. We're talking dishes in the sink, half-eaten toast, and black bananas. Oh, and a big dish of brownies, with the makings left out on the counter. Cassie, both the perpetrator of the messiness and the baker of the brownies, is widely agreed to be the sloppiest of all. So, to teach her a lesson, Professor Ann writes "clean your shit" in Cassie's brownies, with a knife. But she does so in secret, which, as you may have guessed, is bound to cause controversy. Cassie interrogates everyone, but no one will admit to the evildoing. In the bathroom, Cassie begins to say that she wishes whoever did it would fess up, and Yaya says, "I wish whoever did it...No, I don't wish bad on anybody. Compassion!" Or "compeito" as some might call it. And plus, I call bullshit. Toccara thinks the whole thing is hilarious.
Cassie is on the phone with her boyfriend, who has previously proved to be a little sketchy. She explains the situation, and her boyfriend sensibly advises her to "start doing dastardly shit around that bitch." Okay, I kind of love that he used the word "dastardly." Like it's 1920 and Cassie's going to put nightshade in Ann's burrito, or tie her to some train tracks. He adds in a less historical-fiction type manner, "That's some weak-ass shit. Yeah, I'd have to fuck somebody up." Cassie says that she wants to stick up for herself, but doesn't know what to say. Dr. Phool continues, "Just be like, 'Whoever stuck their finger in my food, that's some nasty shit, and then nobody even tell me who did it. You all just some sorry [expletive].' See what I'm saying? In a classy manner." HA HA HA! Okay, I think that might be my favorite quote of the season. The sad thing is, Cassie's loser boyfriend is probably a public-school guidance counselor.
The girls go out to eat, and Yaya is sporting a shirt that reads, "Respeito." Ann asks what it means. Yaya goes on a diatribe about respect. Blah blah blah. I tuned out a little at this point. Ann, Cassie, and Yaya get into it, and it goes a little something like this:
Ann: It was a joke!
Cassie: Well, it's not funny!
Yaya: Neither is killing people, John Wilkes Booth!
Cassie: Don't touch my shit!
Ann: Yeah, well you're bulimic!
Cassie: I said don't touch my shit!
Ann: I will always touch your shit!
Yaya: HAY-SPAY-TU!
Kelle: Hee hee hee!
In the van, Eva, Ann, and Norelle discuss why Yaya must get all up in the business when it's not really her problem. Ann says that Yaya is going to be like, "Why the fuck are you so immature?" Someone -- perhaps Norelle -- says to the imaginary Yaya, "Why don't you shut the fuck up." Ha! Well said, my friend.
At home, Eva confronts Yaya to try to defuse the tension. She says that the only negative energy that she feels in the house is coming from Yaya. Yaya says that she doesn't feel negativity toward Eva (perhaps she's the one who stole the crystals, then?), and in fact, she feels nothing at all towards Eva. She says, "I have very low tolerance. And I build a wall between people, and they don't exist in my world. That's just how I am. And I don't think I'm a cold person, I'm warm, but I also...it's easy for me to just say, I don't want to be bothered." Yeah, she's a real Mother Teresa, that Yaya. Norelle looks on in disbelief, and Toccara tells Yaya that she is, in fact, cold. Eva says that Yaya can continue to feels how she feels, but that the tension is unnecessary. Yaya looks at her. Coldly.
The girls do a shoot on a trampoline, where Yaya struggled as she tried to rein in her dancer-like instincts. Jay says that Yaya's taking the advice of the panel literally is not helping her. Yaya pouts. Eva snarks on Yaya. Kelle asks for constructive criticism during her shoot, and Jay, per usual, is a dick.
And then, the greatest thing happens. At panel, Tyra looks over at Janice and says, "Janice is naked under the table." Janice says, "I'm sitting on a cushion and I'm judging just fine." That poor cushion. It has experienced tenfold what many cushions dread. Then Janice says, "I'll put my ass on the table." Then she proceeds to put her ass on the table. Her naked bits are pixilated. She says, "I'll judge like this, aiight? Cause I've got the best legs going here. That's what I'm talking about!" If it is indeed true that Janice is now clean and sober, it's really beyond my comprehension to think about what she must have been like in her wild days. Also, she should stop with her attempted ghetto talk, because it sounds silly.
In the confessional booth, Ann and Eva imitate Janice at panel. The clips of them imitating her are not nearly as amusing as the actual Janice clips, which, in fact, rule. Ann takes an opportunity to put her arms around Eva and cuddle her closer.
Kelle goes home. Don't it always seem to go like you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone?
Go-sees. Norelle is bad. Toccara is fat. Cassie says that Diane von Furstenberg is cold and intimidating because she's so powerful. She also says that her dress didn't fit at all and was falling down in the front. Several girls trip in Marc Bouwer dresses, and Cassie is told that her hips are too big.
At the photo shoot, the girls are greeted by Jay Manuel in drag. You know, I had just repressed that memory. Thanks a lot, ANTM. The girls do a cool shot where they pose as their own alter egos. Nicole was unhappy with one of her outfits, which was apparently made entirely of fox tails. She says that she will not and cannot wear fur. Michelle, the hag stylist, tells Nicole, "I know that you're not deliberately being a jerk to me, but the thing is, you're in the field of modeling." Michelle says that no matter what her opinions are about what she has on, Nicole needs to act like it's the best thing since sliced bread. Michelle the hag stylist then dresses Toccara in a Home Depot smock and tells her to like it. The whole thing went something like this:
Toccara: Everyone else's clothes are pretty and I look like I work at a bowling alley.
Michelle The Hag Stylist: I may be ugly, but I call the shots.
Toccara: You make me feel bad about myself.
Michelle The Hag Stylist: You just don't "get" this whole modeling thing, do you?
Toccara: AAAAAAH! You pinched me!
Michelle The Hag Stylist: What, you expected me to be able to avoid your excessive mounds of flesh?
Toccara let the whole incident get to her, and she cries to Yaya, who comforts her coldly. Miss J. "tried to cheer up Toccara as only he could." Toccara says of Michelle the hag stylist, "Is it my fault she had to work extra-hard?" Miss J. says, "Yes, it's your fault, 'cause you're fat, bitch! Put that fat ass in clothes, feed her some more fried chicken and baked macaroni and cheese and cake." Toccara laughs. Miss J. says, "Strategy. Work it out. You got all these bony bitches you gotta deal with, and I say take them bony bitches and knock them in the head. You gotta do. You know, you just HUGE!" Those two are really the best. At panel, the judges keep Toccara over Cassie, despite heated protest from Janice.
And now it's time for an all-new Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week, starring Jay Manuel and Elsa Benitez:
[The setting is a salon. Techno music typically found in any gay disco underscores the action.]
Horsy Foreign Model: [despite the fact that she is from Spain and is totally lying] With Thanksgiving tomorrow, I will be cooking and eating pretty much all day.
Small Orange Man: [looking uglier than usual, even for him] So keep your beauty look kitchen-proof with waterproof mascara that won't melt, and pressed powder to keep you looking fresh.
HFM: [as if reading the Book of Revelation] Great ideas! What else?
SOM: [thinking of other activities that would test the durability of the lipstick] Well you'll need a lipstick that holds up from morning coffee through pumpkin pie. Cover Girl Outlast in Cinnamon Stick will be perfect, don't you think?
SOM and HFM: [in unison] Have a beautiful Thanksgiving, everybody!
I'm sorry, but I don't find "Wear lots of makeup that you will have to chisel off at night, or dissolve via a formaldehyde rinse" to be a very good tip.
The girls get a visit from another ugly stylist, Rebecca "Grimley" Weinberg. She says that Amanda looks cheap, that Norelle looks too young, and that she would like to nail Ann. She butts heads with Yaya when she calls Yaya's wardrobe "exotic." Yaya later complains with her little slit eyes of evil, "I hate the word 'exotic.' With a passion....Don't exoticize me. This is me, I'm not some animal in the jungle. Don't look at me like I'm in the zoo." She then snarls in the fashion of a hungry hyena.
The girls work out again with Savvas. Some of them mimic his accent. He says, "Are you guys gonna stop making fun of me or what?" Later at dinner, some of the girls mimic his accent again. Yaya admonishes them in a superior tone: "I just can't wait 'til we travel and when everyone here doesn't speak the language and you can feel what it feels like, 'cause it's not cute." Yaya? Tell it to the umeboshi. Ann snarls at her, and Yaya shoots Ann the look of death. You guys? Yaya is the worst. And I can't say that I actually wish ill or physical harm on any reality-show contestant, but it does please me to know that Yaya has to watch these episodes and see how insufferable she is, and know that others view her as a total jerk. She also has to be Yaya, which seems like punishment enough for anyone.
The girls mosey to their photo shoot, where they meet special guest star Harry T. Rantula. Eva admits to being an arachnophobe, and shows no great joy at posing with Harry. Ann also struggles to take a good photo, which is not unusual. Toccara seems to be losing some of her "signature sparkle." Eva cries and is a bit of a mess, but she is able to finish the shoot despite her fear. She is proud that she got through the shoot, but disappointed that she showed her vulnerability. We see some bonus footage of Harry hanging with his handler, Yolanda Saldivar. Harry tells her that he thinks it's time that he get some real representation, at this critical point in his career. Yolanda freaks out and tries to rip off one of Harry's legs. He goes to talk to Tyra about it, and admits that Yolanda has been abusing him for years. Tyra recommends that he call an abuse hotline, but Harry says that he is afraid. A bit later, Tyra is hanging out in the bathroom and talking to her mom. She feels bad that she can't do more to help Harry. Tyra's mom says that it's okay, because what can you really do for someone who has eight legs and shaves none of them? A sad-looking Tyra says "Yeah, I guess you're right, Mommy."
On the eve of elimination, Eva worries about going home. But surprise! Her photo is great. At panel, Toccara seems to have completely lost her personality, much to the judges' dismay. And then, there is a challenge where the girls have to build an outfit around their choice of four hats. Yaya is offended at the mere appearance of a fake kente cloth hat. It goes something like this:
Yaya: That is one fake-ass cliché hat. It's so offensive that I wouldn't even let it near my precious face.
Hat: Hey, you think I want to rub noses with those craters on your forehead? I deserve an apology.
And then...heh. Back at home, a concerned and singularly unlikable Yaya expresses worry to her sister. Her sister then says, "Regardless of what people think about you, continue to bless people with your compassion and your wisdom. They have the blessing of being with you." Man, you can just see where it comes from, can't you? Back in the Pink Positive bedroom, the rest of the girls are talking (though, may I add, not in what seems to be an excessively loud manner), and Eva says something about tension and animosity (hmmm, wonder who she's talking about?). Yaya tells her sister to hold on one second and then screams, "I CAN'T HEAR I'M ON THE PHONE!" Like, the kind of scream that you use when someone gets run over by a Mack Truck, and EMS needs to be called. Blessing. Compassion. Wisdom. Yaya. Back in the room the girls are stunned into complete silence for a full eight seconds. Then Norelle simply says, "Go on." HA! Eva says that Yaya is ballistic, and extra. And also, an ass.
At elimination, Toccara gets sent home in another genuinely sad moment. She says that she's going to take all the constructive criticism from the show and go to work, and that this whole experience will be a boost for her. I do hope so.
, it's acting class with Sande Shurin, a troll who lives under the Manhattan Bridge. The girls act out a scene with Taye Diggs. Taye Diggs, Taye Diggs, hot hot hot! The script is loaded with all kinds of difficult medical jargon, which makes Eva say "illsnesses." The ANTM captioners finally learn how to spell "Champs-Elysees." Fucking Yaya actually kisses Taye Diggs's knuckles during the scene. (We do not see Taye with the bottle of disinfectant that he obviously demanded immediately afterward.) The girls are generally terrible, and also excited to be near the hotness that is Taye Diggs. Yaya brags that she kissed his hand. Ann says that Taye Diggs wants Ann. Eva says that Taye Diggs is married. Ann is all, "Girl, you know I'll take her too."
Tyra comes on the stage in a nurse's outfit and tells the girls that they are going to Tokyo. The Pink Positive girls -- Eva, Ann, and Norelle -- are excited to share this experience and vow not to be bitch to each other. Oooh, I'd be dying of suspense about who was bitchy to whom, but I've ALREADY SEEN ALL THE EPISODES, UPN.
The girls endure a thirteen-hour flight and are immediately thrown into the frenzy of Tokyo. They meet Tyra in one of her many hideous outfits, and are assigned to do a commercial for Campbell's Soup in Japanese. Nicole has been given constant criticism that she doesn't have a personality, and so she plans to blow the judges away with her crack acting skills. Yeah, good luck with that, Meryl Streep. Eva really struggles with the commercial, and gets bitchy about it afterward. She says that she hopes someone else with bad pictures fucks up, so that she goes home instead of Eva. Ann infers that Eva means either Ann or Norelle, and is mad that Eva wants Norelle to bite it. In accordance with Eva's plan, Norelle screws up.
At judging, the girls do a commercial for umeboshi, which Tyra says is "an exotic pickled plum." The plum gets all riled up about Tyra calling it "exotic," and forum posters everywhere weigh in on the matter. It plans to band together with Yaya to protest, but then, in the words of Tyra, "Yaya disrespected the product." Yaya, in fact, spits out the umeboshi, which everyone finds to be insulting. Oh, sweet, sweet karma. Tyra says that what's worse than a bad performance is a performance that is unmemorable, and Nicole is sent packing. She is sad. Viewers are sad.
Now five girls remain! Tyra describes them as
"Eva, the controversial diva!
"Ann, the all-American athlete!
"Yaya, the worldly Ivy League graduate!
"Amanda, the free-spirited mom who's going blind!
"And Norelle, the Orange County Cinderella!"
Wow, Amanda really doesn't have much going for her, does she?
Coming up on ANTM: actual new material. Yay!