J., now dressed in a bright blue toga, makes the girls walk whilst wearing long, gauzy wraps. He says they lack grace and elegance. And we haven't even gotten to the part where they're calling each other bitches yet! Jennipher is a clomping horse. Toccara needs to suck in her gut. "Kristi" looks dead. J. tells her that she is serving a plig team in a bowl of nothing. Okay, I'm sure that's not actually what he said (the "plig team" part) but I can't for the life of me decipher it. "Kristi" says that she wasn't very good because she was thinking too much. I imagine that "thinking too much" for a model goes something like this: "Step, step. I like puppies. Hey, there are my toes. Mmm, pie!" Yaya is too much of a dancer. Norelle is focusing on the clothing and not on her body. Norelle admits that she's the worst walker around, and that she doesn't want to look like "a dumb, like, idiot." Too late, my little parakeet. J. then makes the girls walk in giant headdresses, which Jennipher says are "the most awfulest things to wear in the world." More awful than the bitchface she's going to put on after the commercial break? I think not. Foreshadowing proves to be a bit ham-handed as Norelle stumbles and almost falls. J. says that the girls will be tested on everything that they've learned today and that as a reward for their hard work, they'll be going out for a night on the town.
Night on the town. The girls pull up to a club, and notice a line out front. But wait, surprise! It's not just any night on the town. The girls come face to face with aging club kids Richie Rich (known for his appearances in anything about Michael Alig) and Traver Rains, who together form the designer duo known as Heatherette. They are Norelle's favorite designer, in no small part because they dress her idol, Paris Hilton. J. says that the Heatherette show is the hottest ticket in New York during fashion week -- so hot, in fact, that he can't even get a ticket. And at this he licks his fingers and tries to sizzle Heatherette's collective nipples. Heatherette are appropriately cute and coy. J. tells the girls that they are going to be starring in the Heatherette fashion show tonight! Whoop! Eva practically leaps into Ann's arms to celebrate the news. I'm just saying. Get your bony asses into hair and makeup!
Heatherette interview that the theme of the show is "The Circus of Panic," which is appropriate. Amanda says she is "so stoked," and that as long as she can see the runway beforehand, she'll "be cool." Nicole tries to psych Norelle out by telling her that Paris Hilton might be there. Which is false, because it's totally a fake, set-up show, but whatever. The gullible Norelle says, "Ho-ly crap." The girls wear a bevy of crazy wigs, garish makeup, drag-queen shoes, and eye jewels. Heatherette say that they're glad they don't have to walk the runway, because it's all zig-zaggy. Cut to Amanda who, it appears, will not be able to look at the runway ahead of time. She interviews that she is legally blind during the day and that at night she is "completely blind." Completely. Blind. Amanda says that she wasn't looking for an unfair advantage over the others, but wanted to be on "the same playing field" as everybody else. Well then, stop being blind. Amanda is nervous that she will fall off the runway, but glad that she has a giant aquamarine afro to cushion her fall. Miss J. says that the girls will be judged on their runway performance. Amanda gives a slow-motion sideways glance, and really does bear an uncanny resemblance to Annie Lennox in the "Why" video. She may be mad, she may be blind, she may be viciously unkind. Commercials.
J. says that the girls have "taken their first shot of fashion crack." Later in this episode, Jennipher will take her second, less successful shot. Amanda says that the experience was "fierce." And I am soooo sick of the word "fierce." J. asks to see Amanda's walking stick. She has an effing walking stick? I bet there's a German Shepard that brings her a copy of the Braille Daily Register every morning at the apartment, too. J. asks her questions about her vision, and Amanda says that she is "completely night blind." The other girls give a little bit of the old fisheye. Amanda interviews that after the show, she made the "mistake" of saying to J., "You know about my eyes, right?" I'm sure she didn't even know that she was talking to J. at all! That's how blind she really is! Really! Toccara says there are rumors circulating that Amanda is getting special treatment. J. says that he was just told of her condition. She had asked to see the runway, and J. says, "Nobody could see it. So you blame her," and it's not clear if he's talking about Amanda or somebody else. But I choose to blame Amanda. Eva asks Amanda how she's going to be a model when she's blind, and Amanda says that she "did [her] thing out there without seeing it." Eva interviews, "I'm short! My shoes are too little! I didn't complain!" Which, in all fairness, is kind of not the same thing. J. tells the girls, "Rumors don't start from nothing. They don't just fall out of the sky. It's created." The Timex Social Club agrees. And I feel like my life has been enriched by re-discovering the lyric, "I think I'll write my congressman and tell him to pass a bill/ So the time they catch somebody startin' rumors shoot to kill." You want music with a message? Look no further. J. will be announcing the winner of the challenge tomorrow.
On the van ride home, Eva, Ann, and Toccara discuss Amanda. Toccara says that Amanda talks about being blind, but then brags about her sexy runway maneuvers and that "it look like you weren't worried about not seeing to me." And then, in a move that proves either that Amanda hate runs deeper than we thought or that we haven't yet been privy to the bitch side of one Ivy League graduate, Yaya pipes in from the back seat, "But then in the room she's like, 'Is this a pole?'" First...HA! And second...HA! Amanda says that the girls think that she's exaggerating her blindness, and that the main instigator is Eva. Which we haven't really seen, but that could be the editing. In another van, Amanda says she had a dream that she beat Eva's ass into the ground. Times like these make me so grateful that I didn't have a peaceful loving hippie mother. Jennipher says that Eva acts tough, but that she's not, and that someone should get on Eva about her height. If you want to taunt the Dentata, Pocatello, then please be my guest.
“ The photographer takes many naked boobie shots. Sigh. Sometimes I really wish this show was on HBO. ”
Toccara goes into the other girls' room and says, "Have [sic], um, anyone seen Amanda [sic] crystals?" The answer is no. Ann tells Toccara to tell Jennipher never to touch her again. Kelle comes in looking for sunglasses. Ann says that she's skinny, but that she can knock Jennipher out. Eva agrees. Eva confronts Jennipher and says, "First of all, I didn't even know you were a bitch." HA! I am really feeling Eva these days. Kelle looks on in sheer delight. Eva says that her problem with Jennipher is that she talks about people but doesn't have the [bleep] to say anything to their faces. Kelle yet again asks for sunglasses and interviews that they don't have time to talk, because they "have a yacht to catch." Man, you know that it's a weird episode when you start to love Kelle.
Yoanna arrives at the house to take the girls on their yacht trip of luxury. The day is cloudy, and the yacht isn't so impressive. Nonetheless, the girls are glad to be out of the house. Kelle interviews that they walked on the yacht and were presented with "hand sandwiches." I think you mean "finger sandwiches," Gucci pants. Man, is she dumb. Yoanna points out various famous models in a magazine, none of whom are her, obviously. Eva interviews that Ann was excited to meet Yoanna and was extremely star-struck, then says that Ann is from Erie, Pennsylvania. Which is kind of her way of saying that Yoanna sucks a little.
Back at the house, Amanda says that she feels bad, and that she found her crystals. She says, "I'm an idiot, I hid them last night," and laughs. Ha ha, you jerk. She interviews that she feels silly for accusing someone of theft without having any proof. She talks to Eva, who says, "Unless you have proof, don't say I took anything." Amanda says that she was wrong to jump to conclusions, but that she found it odd that only her things were missing. Eva says, "Have you ever thought that you might have misplaced them? Have you ever thought that it might have been on you?" Have you ever thought that you are BLIND and just can't see them? Shut up, Amanda. Eva agrees to accept Amanda's apology and drop the issue. She interviews that she may be loud, but she's not a thief.
Tyra mail! "Can you stand out in a crowd? Be ready at 8:30 in the morning." The models puzzle about what this means. They arrive the studio, where they are greeted by Jay, who is wearing a leather jacket consisting only of a collar and arms that is seriously much more queer than J. Alexander's entire collection of skirts put together. Jay tells the girls that they'll be doing a topless shot for Lee Jeans. "Kristi" says that her family is not going to like the nudity. Jay says that the double-page photo will appear as an ad in People. The girls will be shot in two groups and put together in a composite photo. They get their hair and makeup done. Cassie tells her hair guy to make her look sexy and high-fashion. "Kristi" tells Danilo that she would hate to be constantly away from home, and Danilo says, "There's just a point where your friends stop calling." Ha! All of the other girls are fine being topless -- particularly Norelle, who says that she loves her boobs. The photographer takes many naked boobie shots. Sigh. Sometimes I really wish this show was on HBO. Ann has a good shot. "Kristi" is getting a lot of direction, and sticking out her already mannish jaw. Kelle's mouth is funny. Group two. Toccara looks great. Jennipher sucks a little. The others are good. Shoot over. Norelle doesn't want to put away her boobs. Jay is impressed by Norelle's gorgeous boobs, but says that having gorgeous boobs doesn't make you America's Top Model.
“ They have to walk in shoes that are two sizes too small while also wearing an ugly pink dress, which Heatherette is quick to point out that they did not design. Again, I feel like molten lava and/or risk of electrocution would really take this challenge up a notch. ”
Tyra Mail! Kelle dramatically reads that someone will be eliminated tomorrow. "Kristi" reads the Holy Bible and says that she doesn't goof off, but that in this situation she feels totally out of control. In other words, she sucks and she's going to get eliminated. Which has been so obvious from minute one of this episode. Eva says that she is here to win the competition. She interviews flatly, "What if I got eliminated. Wow. Wouldn't that be a shocker." Norelle is worried that her fall down could be her downfall.
It's morning at the apartment. Jennipher interviews that she is nervous, but that she thinks she's really going to get far in the competition. As she eats her breakfast, she's looking at some sort of notebook or diary full of gigantic handwriting. If I saw a shot of this by itself, I'd think it was Amanda's, but Jennipher is such a cheeseball that it kind of fits with her character. She totally dots her I's with a little heart. "Diary, you will always be my BFF. TLA, TLF. 2 Good + 2 Be = 4 Gotten!" Amanda says, "We all know that we could model, but are we good enough to be America's Top Model?" Wait. Strike that, reverse. And the answer is no.
Judging panel. Tyra talks about the prizes again. See recaps Cycle Three one through three if you have questions. She introduces the judges, who she calls "crazy-ass, but so exciting." She calls Janice "one of the world's first super-duper models." Nol is dressed to the nines and is strangely bereft of Empress Minnie. The special guest judge is Heatherette. Miss J. administers the girls' test. They have to walk in shoes that are two sizes too small while also wearing an ugly pink dress, which Heatherette is quick to point out that they did not design. Again, I feel like molten lava and/or risk of electrocution would really take this challenge up a notch. The girls come out in hideous neon pink spandex tube dresses. I think we've found Amanda's laundry! Tyra shows the girls the Lee Jeans photo that will appear in People. Janice says that the shot is "very '60s, very acid-trippy. I remember!" ["Oh, Grandma. Tell us one of your stories!" -- Wing Chun]
Cassie is up first, and she shows too much pain in her small shoes. Nol says that in show after show, models must wear small shoes, so she'd better get used to it or she'll be broken down. I'm sorry, but if all models are 5'11", why don't they just have bigger shoes available? The judges say that Cassie's photo is one of her best yet. Richie Rich of Heatherette says that he can see Nicole on a box of hair color, but not as a runway model. Ooh, burn! Janice likes Nicole's androgynous-looking photo. Kelle stumbles as she walks in, and then struts moronically toward the judges. She is seriously so bad that even Nigel starts laughing at her a little. Tyra says that she could see Kelle give up when the shoes started to hurt. She says, "The best athletes, the best dancers, and the best models push through the pain." Now that I think about it, actually, I kind of like the idea of has-been twenty-seven-year-old models with gnarled-up toes. Small shoes all around! Kelle's photo is so, so ugly. Both Kelle and the judges are appalled. Janice says that it looks like Kelle is giving herself a breast exam. Kelle says she looks like a platypus, and Janice goes off on her, telling Kelle to snap out of it, because the judges are giving her valuable information, so she should sit there and take it. Kelle looks scared. First of all, there is no way that that's Kelle's best photo. And second, the judges just seem to hate her. It's a bit excessive.