First and foremost, HA! I am not insane! Thank you to everyone who wrote to tell me that a movie in which a child is kidnapped and his hair is harvested to make magical paintbrushes does, in fact, exist and is called The Peanut Butter Solution. ["No thanks to the person who phoned me to impart this information. You don't have email? And you don't know I am not Potes?" -- Wing Chun] And it is even weirder than I remembered! Thank you, Canada, for making this crazy-ass movie. And a big you're welcome to all those whose traumatic childhood memories were stirred by my reference to it. Line for the support group starts to the left.
Previously on America's Top Model: Amanda revealed a startling secret - she's a stupid jerk! And also legally blind. Jerk. Makeovers led to new, dramatic looks and newfound dramatic bitchiness. Julie fucked up. Potes was sad. Eleven models remain.
New York City! 7:43 AM. The girls rise with the sun. Kelle interviews that she has been very confident throughout the competition, but was taken down a peg at the last judging panel when Janice said her photograph was like a Hitchcock film. Heh. I wish they had inserted a flashback there. Those were good times. Kelle is beginning to realize that she doesn't know it all. Or one thousandth of it, in fact. "Kristi" says that she lacks confidence and is vulnerable because she feels intimidated by the other girls. Jennipher says that living in New York is much different than living in Idaho. New York has drama. Idaho has potatoes. It's also fun for playing "Idaho," "You da ho?," which is the Ricki Lake-inspired version of "Who's on First" that I just made up. Jennipher says that she still likes everyone in the house, and that you have to get along to live together. Ah, foreshadowing!
The girls receive Tyra mail, which tells them to put on their sweats (which many seem to interpret as "coochie-cutting shorts") and sneakers and head to the YWCA. "Kristi" feels right at home because of the Christian part, and Ann feels right at home because she's a dyke. And I mean that as a compliment. Once at the Y, they meet Miss J., who is going to teach them how to work the runway. Miss J. is totally dressed like the schoolmarm in an alternate-universe transvestite Van Halen "Hot for Teacher" video. And I'd be really interested to see what happened to Waldo in that version. Toccara says of Miss J., "She's just fabulous." And I have to say, I'm a bit puzzled as to whether J. takes a feminine pronoun, and I was a Women's Studies minor and actually own Paris Is Burning. So the hicks from the sticks really don't really stand a chance, is all. As evidence: Jennipher thinks that J. is "the funniest man [she's] ever seen", and "Kristi" says, "Why doesn't someone explain J. to us? He wears heels, and no one says anything about it!" Well, okay, "Kristi." Yes, he is a giant flamer but, more importantly, he is the expert in teaching sorry asses like yours to walk. Thus, to have professional credibility, he needs to be able to walk like a bitch in heels. And believe you me, he does. So shut up and get schooled, jowly.
J. says that he will be teaching them "Runway 101," and that practice makes perfect. As an example, he brings out Yoanna, the reigning America's Top Model. The girls are impressed, or at least act impressed. I have to say that I was a Yoanna enthusiast, but she's looking a little rough these days. She tells the girls that her life has been flipped around, and that they should be prepared. To become haggard-looking has-beens jockeying for a guest spot on Eve. "Kristi" asks if Yoanna ever felt discouraged or had difficulty maintaining confidence. Yeah, every time the judges told her she was a flabby cow. Yoanna advises the girls to focus on themselves and not to worry about the other girls or they'll lose concentration. An ugly-looking Nicole thinks that this is sound advice. Yoanna interviews that it is interesting to be on the "other side," and that J. is going to mold the girls and give them the tools they need to succeed.
J. is now wearing a crazy cut up t-shirt dress and do-rag. He instructs the girls to outfit themselves in little tank tops, tiny skirts, and big heels. In a bit of foreshadowing, Norelle interviews that she is not used to wearing heels. He tells them that they are now in J.-Walking school, where posture is everything. ["I would fail this test spectacularly, by the way. I never, ever wear heels and my posture sucks ass." -- Wing Chun] He makes the girls walk down the runway with books on their heads, which seems a little old-school, but he's the expert. Several girls fail miserably, causing J. to lament, "Y'all are so beat up." Ann works the book. J. says that Eva walks like she's chewing gum between her legs. I think someone around here might have a bit of the old vagina dentata complex. On a side note, in college a friend and I used to go around yelling "VAGINA DENTATA!" and gnashing our teeth together. It may sound weird, but try it and you'll see how fun it actually is. It particularly comes in handy when warding off attackers, frightening small children, and scandalizing co-workers at staff meetings. Eva interviews that the others don't know she has a short complex. She says she feels and acts like the tallest girl, rather than the pug-resembling midge that she actually is. J. says that Kelle needs to be less of a tight-ass. Nicole is afraid to let go, and Cassie is also holding back. Amanda stands out because of her eyes. At this prompt, we are yet again treated to Amanda telling us that she has the degenerative eye disease retinitis pigmentosa, and will eventually be completely blind. She says that modeling will "promote [sic] certain challenges," but that she's not going to let her disability affect her, because she doesn't want it to. And here, I will admit that the editors appear to have cut her off mid-sentence. However, I think that sentence probably ended "...prevent me from seeing places where people have gathered so I can ask for their attention and reveal a shocking secret, which is that I have the degenerative eye disease retinitis pigmentosa. Which is a degenerative eye disease. Called retinitis pigmentosa."
J., now dressed in a bright blue toga, makes the girls walk whilst wearing long, gauzy wraps. He says they lack grace and elegance. And we haven't even gotten to the part where they're calling each other bitches yet! Jennipher is a clomping horse. Toccara needs to suck in her gut. "Kristi" looks dead. J. tells her that she is serving a plig team in a bowl of nothing. Okay, I'm sure that's not actually what he said (the "plig team" part) but I can't for the life of me decipher it. "Kristi" says that she wasn't very good because she was thinking too much. I imagine that "thinking too much" for a model goes something like this: "Step, step. I like puppies. Hey, there are my toes. Mmm, pie!" Yaya is too much of a dancer. Norelle is focusing on the clothing and not on her body. Norelle admits that she's the worst walker around, and that she doesn't want to look like "a dumb, like, idiot." Too late, my little parakeet. J. then makes the girls walk in giant headdresses, which Jennipher says are "the most awfulest things to wear in the world." More awful than the bitchface she's going to put on after the commercial break? I think not. Foreshadowing proves to be a bit ham-handed as Norelle stumbles and almost falls. J. says that the girls will be tested on everything that they've learned today and that as a reward for their hard work, they'll be going out for a night on the town.
Night on the town. The girls pull up to a club, and notice a line out front. But wait, surprise! It's not just any night on the town. The girls come face to face with aging club kids Richie Rich (known for his appearances in anything about Michael Alig) and Traver Rains, who together form the designer duo known as Heatherette. They are Norelle's favorite designer, in no small part because they dress her idol, Paris Hilton. J. says that the Heatherette show is the hottest ticket in New York during fashion week -- so hot, in fact, that he can't even get a ticket. And at this he licks his fingers and tries to sizzle Heatherette's collective nipples. Heatherette are appropriately cute and coy. J. tells the girls that they are going to be starring in the Heatherette fashion show tonight! Whoop! Eva practically leaps into Ann's arms to celebrate the news. I'm just saying. Get your bony asses into hair and makeup!
Heatherette interview that the theme of the show is "The Circus of Panic," which is appropriate. Amanda says she is "so stoked," and that as long as she can see the runway beforehand, she'll "be cool." Nicole tries to psych Norelle out by telling her that Paris Hilton might be there. Which is false, because it's totally a fake, set-up show, but whatever. The gullible Norelle says, "Ho-ly crap." The girls wear a bevy of crazy wigs, garish makeup, drag-queen shoes, and eye jewels. Heatherette say that they're glad they don't have to walk the runway, because it's all zig-zaggy. Cut to Amanda who, it appears, will not be able to look at the runway ahead of time. She interviews that she is legally blind during the day and that at night she is "completely blind." Completely. Blind. Amanda says that she wasn't looking for an unfair advantage over the others, but wanted to be on "the same playing field" as everybody else. Well then, stop being blind. Amanda is nervous that she will fall off the runway, but glad that she has a giant aquamarine afro to cushion her fall. Miss J. says that the girls will be judged on their runway performance. Amanda gives a slow-motion sideways glance, and really does bear an uncanny resemblance to Annie Lennox in the "Why" video. She may be mad, she may be blind, she may be viciously unkind. Commercials.
The girls line up to shake their little tushes on the catwalk. Cassie interviews that the girls are very excited for their Heatherette fashion-show challenge. While I think that Cassie is pretty and photographs relatively well, she falls prey to the Trishelle phenomenon of looking like absolute crap in her interviews. J. tells the girls that there's a circular platform at the end of the runway that they must step onto and walk around as they pose. Amanda says that it was very scary, since she has really bad daytime vision and is "basically completely blind" at night. Oh, now it's basically completely blind, is it? There's a distinction between Mr. Magoo and Helen Keller, is all I'm saying. The girls take their turns strutting in some really heinous Heatherette fashions. Jennipher is clumpy and graceless. Eva works the Big League Chew. VAGINA DENTATA! Eva says that even though she's short, she loves the runway, and it was a high being on stage. Cassie is presentable. Ann is slightly annoying. Kelle looks like a total transvestite and/or Venus Williams. Nicole is sassy. Toccara gets major cheers and says that she loves to be a show-stopping center of attention. Which, she really is, in no small part to the fact that she is one extra-bouncy step away from being that infamous woman in a tube top on The Price Is Right. Come on down! Eva backs me up on this, saying that Toccara "got applause because your titties are out, girl." Second use of "titties" this season! No wonder Howard Stern is going to satellite. But Toccara really looks great. Yaya looks like she has giant rollers on her head. Heatherette likes her. "Kristi" is worried that the guys in the audience can see up her skirt. Sorry to tell you, "Kristi," but any man present at a Heatherette fashion show who is looking up your skirt has merely made a note of your man jaw and wants to figure out how you tucked away your package so effectively.
Heatherette laments the fact that no one has fallen on the runway yet. up, Amanda! D'oh! She says that she couldn't see the runway, and that no one would tell he the number of steps leading up to the runway. I'm sorry, but I really think that the runway of a fashion show is out of the jurisdiction of the Americans With Disabilities Act. When she hits the runway, she discovers that it has glitter all over it, which she says "saved her." And I guess this might actually be a good thing, because had she fallen, I might have felt a little bad for her, and anything that even mildly decreases my hate for her is unacceptable. She does the most annoying walk ever, moving her shoulders all around and lolling her tongue about. Norelle is dolled up in a bride-of-Frankenstein getup, and says it is a dream come true to walk in a Heatherette show. As she steps onto the platform, she falls into a giant pole. Heatherette laughs. Norelle interviews, "My biggest dream: Heatherette fashion show. My worst nightmare: falling. All in the same night!" And, to her credit (I think obliviousness is not the worst trait to have in a model), she seems to take the whole thing rather well. Richie Rich tells her that her blunder is going to make her a star.
J. says that the girls have "taken their first shot of fashion crack." Later in this episode, Jennipher will take her second, less successful shot. Amanda says that the experience was "fierce." And I am soooo sick of the word "fierce." J. asks to see Amanda's walking stick. She has an effing walking stick? I bet there's a German Shepard that brings her a copy of the Braille Daily Register every morning at the apartment, too. J. asks her questions about her vision, and Amanda says that she is "completely night blind." The other girls give a little bit of the old fisheye. Amanda interviews that after the show, she made the "mistake" of saying to J., "You know about my eyes, right?" I'm sure she didn't even know that she was talking to J. at all! That's how blind she really is! Really! Toccara says there are rumors circulating that Amanda is getting special treatment. J. says that he was just told of her condition. She had asked to see the runway, and J. says, "Nobody could see it. So you blame her," and it's not clear if he's talking about Amanda or somebody else. But I choose to blame Amanda. Eva asks Amanda how she's going to be a model when she's blind, and Amanda says that she "did [her] thing out there without seeing it." Eva interviews, "I'm short! My shoes are too little! I didn't complain!" Which, in all fairness, is kind of not the same thing. J. tells the girls, "Rumors don't start from nothing. They don't just fall out of the sky. It's created." The Timex Social Club agrees. And I feel like my life has been enriched by re-discovering the lyric, "I think I'll write my congressman and tell him to pass a bill/ So the time they catch somebody startin' rumors shoot to kill." You want music with a message? Look no further. J. will be announcing the winner of the challenge tomorrow.
On the van ride home, Eva, Ann, and Toccara discuss Amanda. Toccara says that Amanda talks about being blind, but then brags about her sexy runway maneuvers and that "it look like you weren't worried about not seeing to me." And then, in a move that proves either that Amanda hate runs deeper than we thought or that we haven't yet been privy to the bitch side of one Ivy League graduate, Yaya pipes in from the back seat, "But then in the room she's like, 'Is this a pole?'" First...HA! And second...HA! Amanda says that the girls think that she's exaggerating her blindness, and that the main instigator is Eva. Which we haven't really seen, but that could be the editing. In another van, Amanda says she had a dream that she beat Eva's ass into the ground. Times like these make me so grateful that I didn't have a peaceful loving hippie mother. Jennipher says that Eva acts tough, but that she's not, and that someone should get on Eva about her height. If you want to taunt the Dentata, Pocatello, then please be my guest.
Back at the house, Amanda asks what happened to her laundry. Jennipher and Cassie say that Eva brought the laundry in. Amanda says that Eva claims she "doesn't know" where Amanda's laundry is. She makes the finger quotes and everything. Nicole interviews that some of Amanda's things are missing, and that she thinks a certain someone (read: Eva) has them. Amanda tells Jennipher and Kelle (who appears to be merely a bystander) that she's missing her laundry, a shirt, and $100, and she clearly thinks Eva is to blame. First of all, like Eva would want any of Amanda's ugly-ass clothes. And second, maybe Amanda should try putting glitter on her belongings so she can find them in a pinch. Jennipher says she knows she's missing something, and that she can't figure out what it is, but that she knows somebody has it. This is like the dumb-ass caucus. And/or a Republican fundraiser. Amanda does a little dance with a song that goes, "I'm missing $100 and my laundry's gone 'cause of a certain bitch -- mm! A certain bitch, a certain bitch." Which might be kind of funny if I didn't hate her so much. And if she wasn't BLIND and an idiot and making groundless accusations against other people she just doesn't like.
Amanda says that she "doesn't know" if she started the "instigation of Eva," and that it sucks that the loudest person in the house is also the person who you can't trust. Because she'll speak up and defend herself against accusations for which you have no proof? Shut up, Amanda. Amanda starts poking around in the Editor's Suite, which a caption notes is also "Eva's room." Which we know is not true since Eva is now rooming with Ann, Norelle, and "Kristi." Amanda looks in drawers, on the floor, and underneath the curtains. Eva sees her and asks what she's doing, and believe you me if that was actually Eva's room, this interaction would not have been nearly as calm. Dumb-ass Amanda then leaves thief "bait" on her dresser -- a ring and a necklace. She says, "She might not want them, because they're ugly." I mean...ugh. She then says, "I am not leaving my crystals out." And here I totally thought that she meant, like, Swarovski crystal jewelry, given the context. Which would still be ugly, but maybe more valuable. As we will soon see, I was mistaken. Nicole interviews that she wasn't involved in setting the trap, but did tell Amanda that it was a good idea. Amanda then whips out a wad of cash and further baits Thieva with a whopping $10. She says, "What's a ten-dollar bill to catch a bitch?" Way to go, Peter Brady. Soon there'll be no stopping you from discovering that Alice is cooking pork chops and applesauce for dinner. Nicole says that she wrote "Nicole's sweet ass" on the bill to help identify the thief. Amanda does a little song that goes "Detective! Detective!" and does a little fight with a curtain that, again, would be charming if I didn't think she was such a hag.
J. arrives at the house and is greeted in an annoying fashion by Amanda. He's come to announce the winner from the Heatherette contest, who must choose two other girls to accompany her on an all-day yacht trip. J. gives the girls his critique. Even though Toccara was a fan favorite and totally thinks she's going to win, the prize goes to Eva. Eva jumps up and does an obnoxious little dance, and for real, take it down a notch, Cindy Lou Who. She sings, "In your tall bitches' face!" She immediately chooses Ann (who is dressed in a towel) to go with her, and then says, "I'm going for a long shot here, I'm picking Kelle." And I think she means long shot in the sense that no one would think that she'd pick the universally hated Kelle. In other words, pity. And Kelle is just so happy that someone was nice to her. It's a little endearing, and also a little sad. And honestly? It really doesn't seem like anybody else likes Eva all that much. The winners head to get dressed. Everyone else looks pissed. Amanda said that if anyone else in the house besides Eva had won, they would have been fine. Kelle gushes that she can't believe Eva chose her, and Amanda tells her to "be careful." Kelle jokes that Ann and Eva will corrupt her. Amanda tells Kelle again to be careful. Kelle asks what she means, and Amanda tells her not to give out any information. Oh, shut up. I hate her so much.
And then, this. Amanda walks into the hallway where Eva is and says, "My crystals are missing. Has anybody seen my crystals?" Eva says, "What crystals? I don't even know what you're talking about." And then, Elbow-Gate. As Amanda pissily says, "Oh, okay," to Eva, Eva pulls back her arm to spray some starch on her shirt, and Amanda walks into Eva's arm. It was an accident, and a matter of bad timing, and they probably both should have apologized. But I'll take Eva's side, because I hate Amanda. Eva says, "Excuse you, you know you just bumped into me, you know that, right?" Amanda pissily says that it was an accident. Eva tells Amanda not to be mad. Amanda says she's not mad that Eva won the challenge, and Eva says that she knows it's not that, but that Amanda needs to chill. Amanda says that she has a right to be upset because her crystals are missing. Eva says that she doesn't have a right to bump into her and not excuse herself. Amanda says it was an accident. Eva says, "Well then, say 'excuse me,' that's the reason for the word." Amanda doesn't feel like being excused. Eva says quite calmly, "All right. It's on." Woo! Please punch Amanda!
Amanda is still mad about her crystals, and says she's not going out of the house until she's gone through everyone's pockets. Amanda? Eva could seriously give a fuck about your crystals. The non-winning girls say that they can have a party at home. Jennipher bitches, "I'm kinda glad she won. We should bake a cake in celebration of getting the bitch out of the house for an hour." And Eva is totally in the hallway right outside of the room. Toccara interviews that Eva thinks everyone is mad because she won the runway challenge, and the way that she says this indicates that everyone might just hate Eva a little in general. Eva confronts Jennipher and says that the whole thing is a competition, and that she shouldn't hate on other people when they do well. Ann is bystanding. Jennipher says that she didn't like when Eva got in everyone's face about winning and called the others "tall bitches," and that Jennipher wouldn't do that, on account of how nice and ladylike she is. Eva says that her personality is still Eva (read: kind of obnoxious), and that she's not going to change that. Jennipher asks why she acts nice in front of the judges. Eva says, "I'm cute, I'm sorry Jennipher, I am." From the phone booth, "Kristi" asks the others to quiet it down a little. Ann gets into the action, and she and Eva say that Jennipher is two-faced. Jennipher says that Eva said Amanda is getting special treatment for her eyes, and then denied saying it. Amanda says she heard Eva say, "I hope she's not gonna get special treatment." And Eva admits without shame that she said that. Ann faces Amanda and says, "I don't mean to be rude, but, like, to us..." And Jennipher totally interrupts her and says, "'To us,' 'to us,' it's always 'us,' why don't you let her talk?" Ann says that she's speaking for herself, and that "This is me, I'm Ann, and I'm going to tell her what the [bleep] I think so you can shut your mouth." Jennipher then shoves Ann right out of the way. Ann tells Jennipher not to touch her again, or she'll get knocked out. Jennipher says, "Oh, I'd like to see it." On behalf of a nation, so would we! Commercials.
Replay of the Jennipher/Ann showdown. Amanda says that she's not mad at Eva for winning. Eva says she doesn't know why Amanda is mad, but that Amanda bumped Eva and didn't say "excuse me," which runs counter to her usual "little miss sweet Amanda" personality. Eva says that everyone is playing a role today, and that they should get over it. To the amusement of all, Kelle walks through the hallway looking like Elke Sommer guest starring on The Love Boat. Eva says that Amanda was extra. Kelle asks if anyone has an extra pair of sunglasses, speaking of extra. Hee! Amanda uses Yaya to demonstrate how she bumped into Eva, and barely brushes her. Flashback to the actual bump, which is much more significant. Ha! Even the editors hate you, Long John Silver! Kelle gives Eva advice on which bathing suit to bring. Amanda sobs that she doesn't care about her clothes, and Yaya says, "Yeah, I understand, your crystals," in a tone that expresses her tedium with the whole situation. Amanda continues, "I keep them on my dresser, and I was carrying them around yesterday, because I was very upset. My money can be gone, but you don't take my crystals! The thing that means the most to me! The thing that gives me strength and takes away my negativity!" Maybe they're crystallized versions of the magic sperm that impregnated her magic self with her magical baby while others were facing a national tragedy. Just a theory. You can totally see that Cassie, Yaya, and Toccara are thinking, "Shut up, Amanda."
Toccara goes into the other girls' room and says, "Have [sic], um, anyone seen Amanda [sic] crystals?" The answer is no. Ann tells Toccara to tell Jennipher never to touch her again. Kelle comes in looking for sunglasses. Ann says that she's skinny, but that she can knock Jennipher out. Eva agrees. Eva confronts Jennipher and says, "First of all, I didn't even know you were a bitch." HA! I am really feeling Eva these days. Kelle looks on in sheer delight. Eva says that her problem with Jennipher is that she talks about people but doesn't have the [bleep] to say anything to their faces. Kelle yet again asks for sunglasses and interviews that they don't have time to talk, because they "have a yacht to catch." Man, you know that it's a weird episode when you start to love Kelle.
Yoanna arrives at the house to take the girls on their yacht trip of luxury. The day is cloudy, and the yacht isn't so impressive. Nonetheless, the girls are glad to be out of the house. Kelle interviews that they walked on the yacht and were presented with "hand sandwiches." I think you mean "finger sandwiches," Gucci pants. Man, is she dumb. Yoanna points out various famous models in a magazine, none of whom are her, obviously. Eva interviews that Ann was excited to meet Yoanna and was extremely star-struck, then says that Ann is from Erie, Pennsylvania. Which is kind of her way of saying that Yoanna sucks a little.
Back at the house, Amanda says that she feels bad, and that she found her crystals. She says, "I'm an idiot, I hid them last night," and laughs. Ha ha, you jerk. She interviews that she feels silly for accusing someone of theft without having any proof. She talks to Eva, who says, "Unless you have proof, don't say I took anything." Amanda says that she was wrong to jump to conclusions, but that she found it odd that only her things were missing. Eva says, "Have you ever thought that you might have misplaced them? Have you ever thought that it might have been on you?" Have you ever thought that you are BLIND and just can't see them? Shut up, Amanda. Eva agrees to accept Amanda's apology and drop the issue. She interviews that she may be loud, but she's not a thief.
Tyra mail! "Can you stand out in a crowd? Be ready at 8:30 in the morning." The models puzzle about what this means. They arrive the studio, where they are greeted by Jay, who is wearing a leather jacket consisting only of a collar and arms that is seriously much more queer than J. Alexander's entire collection of skirts put together. Jay tells the girls that they'll be doing a topless shot for Lee Jeans. "Kristi" says that her family is not going to like the nudity. Jay says that the double-page photo will appear as an ad in People. The girls will be shot in two groups and put together in a composite photo. They get their hair and makeup done. Cassie tells her hair guy to make her look sexy and high-fashion. "Kristi" tells Danilo that she would hate to be constantly away from home, and Danilo says, "There's just a point where your friends stop calling." Ha! All of the other girls are fine being topless -- particularly Norelle, who says that she loves her boobs. The photographer takes many naked boobie shots. Sigh. Sometimes I really wish this show was on HBO. Ann has a good shot. "Kristi" is getting a lot of direction, and sticking out her already mannish jaw. Kelle's mouth is funny. Group two. Toccara looks great. Jennipher sucks a little. The others are good. Shoot over. Norelle doesn't want to put away her boobs. Jay is impressed by Norelle's gorgeous boobs, but says that having gorgeous boobs doesn't make you America's Top Model.
Tyra Mail! Kelle dramatically reads that someone will be eliminated tomorrow. "Kristi" reads the Holy Bible and says that she doesn't goof off, but that in this situation she feels totally out of control. In other words, she sucks and she's going to get eliminated. Which has been so obvious from minute one of this episode. Eva says that she is here to win the competition. She interviews flatly, "What if I got eliminated. Wow. Wouldn't that be a shocker." Norelle is worried that her fall down could be her downfall.
It's morning at the apartment. Jennipher interviews that she is nervous, but that she thinks she's really going to get far in the competition. As she eats her breakfast, she's looking at some sort of notebook or diary full of gigantic handwriting. If I saw a shot of this by itself, I'd think it was Amanda's, but Jennipher is such a cheeseball that it kind of fits with her character. She totally dots her I's with a little heart. "Diary, you will always be my BFF. TLA, TLF. 2 Good + 2 Be = 4 Gotten!" Amanda says, "We all know that we could model, but are we good enough to be America's Top Model?" Wait. Strike that, reverse. And the answer is no.
Judging panel. Tyra talks about the prizes again. See recaps Cycle Three one through three if you have questions. She introduces the judges, who she calls "crazy-ass, but so exciting." She calls Janice "one of the world's first super-duper models." Nolé is dressed to the nines and is strangely bereft of Empress Minnie. The special guest judge is Heatherette. Miss J. administers the girls' test. They have to walk in shoes that are two sizes too small while also wearing an ugly pink dress, which Heatherette is quick to point out that they did not design. Again, I feel like molten lava and/or risk of electrocution would really take this challenge up a notch. The girls come out in hideous neon pink spandex tube dresses. I think we've found Amanda's laundry! Tyra shows the girls the Lee Jeans photo that will appear in People. Janice says that the shot is "very '60s, very acid-trippy. I remember!" ["Oh, Grandma. Tell us one of your stories!" -- Wing Chun]
Cassie is up first, and she shows too much pain in her small shoes. Nolé says that in show after show, models must wear small shoes, so she'd better get used to it or she'll be broken down. I'm sorry, but if all models are 5'11", why don't they just have bigger shoes available? The judges say that Cassie's photo is one of her best yet. Richie Rich of Heatherette says that he can see Nicole on a box of hair color, but not as a runway model. Ooh, burn! Janice likes Nicole's androgynous-looking photo. Kelle stumbles as she walks in, and then struts moronically toward the judges. She is seriously so bad that even Nigel starts laughing at her a little. Tyra says that she could see Kelle give up when the shoes started to hurt. She says, "The best athletes, the best dancers, and the best models push through the pain." Now that I think about it, actually, I kind of like the idea of has-been twenty-seven-year-old models with gnarled-up toes. Small shoes all around! Kelle's photo is so, so ugly. Both Kelle and the judges are appalled. Janice says that it looks like Kelle is giving herself a breast exam. Kelle says she looks like a platypus, and Janice goes off on her, telling Kelle to snap out of it, because the judges are giving her valuable information, so she should sit there and take it. Kelle looks scared. First of all, there is no way that that's Kelle's best photo. And second, the judges just seem to hate her. It's a bit excessive.
Ann is . Janice tells her that she came out looking like an East German swimmer. This makes Ann feel strangely attracted to herself. Tyra tells her to take the strength of being an athlete, but get the sex appeal and stomp and fierceness of being a model. The judges are wowed by Ann's photo. is Amanda. Nigel tells Amanda that she shouldn't look down, and asks if she wears glasses or contacts. Oh, here we go. Blah blah blah eye disease, legally blind. But then she says, and I quote, "I'm assuming in around five years I'm gonna be completely blind." And at this, my mom said, "'Assuming'?" Even my mom called bullshit on Amanda. Heatherette looks a bit bewildered. Janice says that she's walked off of plenty of runways. Heh. The judges love Amanda's photo, as usual.
"Kristi" walks in, and Janice shields her eyes. Nigel says he almost backed up in his chair because it looked like a train wreck was coming toward him. Tyra says that in the last Victoria's Secret fashion show, she had to wear size 7.5 shoes, and she is normally a 10. First of all, ouch. And second of all, that was just a sorry excuse to show Tyra strutting around in her undies. The judges hate "Kristi's" shot and say she looks "chinnish." is Norelle, who is hilariously unable to walk in the heels. Sometimes I think Norelle is a plant. Not a literal plant, like a ficus...though, actually, there is that too. Janice tells Norelle to hop on one foot and cracks herself (and me) up. Janice is the best. She's like the Marquis de Sade and a really pretty drag queen all rolled up into one. Nolé tells Norelle that she looks like the broken Tin Man, which is the second time that he's compared a model to a broken something. I think Nolé looks like a perfectly intact though slightly more ethnic Pillsbury Doughboy. Norelle says that this is the first time she's ever walked in heels. What about earlier, on the runway? Janice says that she was wearing heels when she was seven. I think Norelle probably has never really worn heels because she's so tall and didn't want to tower over her loser band geek prom date. Not that I'd know anything about that, of course. Heatherette tells her to eat, sleep, and drink heels. A light bulb clicks on above Cassie's head as she calculates just how calorie-efficient such a diet would be. Norelle's photo is great, and Tyra says that the other girls should be "scurred."
Toccara tears it up. She looks totally comfortable until the judges ask how she really feels in the heels, and then she breaks down in a good-natured way. Everyone is impressed by how confident she is with her body, and how sexy she looks. I know it's crazy, but I seriously think Toccara might win. Her photo is great. is Eva. The judges think that she looks too dainty when she walks, and that they'd like to see more of the "tough, sexy, gorgeous little tomboy" that climbs into Ann's bed each night. And I think this might be the only time that we hear the judges say that someone should look more like a lesbian. "Work that mullet like Mary Cheney just crawled through your bedroom window, girl!" Eva's photo is good, though she looks a little stiff. is Yaya, and Tyra said she looks like she's in Coming to America. The judges love her photo and say it's one of the best of the night. And , Jennipher. She clomps in, turns around, and lifts up the bottom of her dress to expose her butt cheeks, upon which is written "ANTM." Janice says, "Oh my God," and flops her head down on the desk, and the worst part about all of this is that Jennipher doesn't even realize that she's made a big blunder. She laughs and actually does a little shimmy. Oh, Jennipher. Janice asks her what the deal was, and Jennipher says that she thought that since her butt was going to show anyway, she'd go the extra mile to get it noticed. Janice is not amused. The judges hate Jennipher's photo.
The judges deliberate. Yaya's dance training might work against her on the runway. Ann has potential. Toccara is consistently great. The judges are appalled that Norelle can't wear heels. No one is feeling Kelle. "Kristi's" photo is frightening. Janice says that "Kristi's" jaw reminds her of Carol Burnett. Heh. Nicole has red hair. Eva is short, unusual, and boyish. Nolé calls Eva "Miss Golden Delicious." I think we know who wants a bit of them apples. Cassie is pretty, but looks tired. Janice says that Amanda's disability doesn't bother her, but Nigel argues that you can't walk on a catwalk when you're blind, and no agent is going to take on a legally blind model. He seems quite serious about the whole thing. No one likes Jennipher or her ass.
Only ten women will still be in the running to be America's Top Model. They are: Cassie, Ann, Nicole, Toccara, Eva, Amanda, Norelle, Yaya, Kelle. Will "Kristi" and Jennipher please step forward? You both suck, but Jennipher is slightly less ugly. So long, "Kristi"! Nobody will miss or even remember you. "Kristi" says that she doesn't like failing, and needs to figure out how much she wants to pursue modeling. She feels like she can better learn how to model at home where Vicki Lawrence and Dorf (of on Golf fame) can provide the expert training that she needs.
Coming up week: Tyra makes Toccara cry. The competition starts to weigh on Kelle, and "the unpredictable Janice Dickinson does her thing," which involves spreading her legs in a swimsuit and, somewhat ironically, telling the girls not to look like porn stars. Yay!