Tonight's show starts off at 6:43 AM, according to the subtitles shown under the early morning Atlanta skyline. Cue the montage of people being woken up by their camera-wielding parents, including one mom in Dunwoody, Georgia named Connie Seacrest, rousting her son Ryan out his bed. And that's how the show starts. Don't worry, she'll be popping up to "help" Ryan at his job throughout that day. I will be skipping those parts.
After the credits, we get a glimpse at some Atlanta contestants, including one who's got the American Idol logo tattooed across his entire back. Ryan crams into the backseat of an SUV limo with all three judges to ride to the audition venue. The first person doomed to sweat inside The Chamber while waiting to audition is young Majesty Rose, who shows up with a headband made up of five large flowers. The cameras in Atlanta are on the opposite side of the room from where they've been in every other town so far this season, which is completely disorienting for me, but Majesty does a nice job with "Violet Hill" by Coldplay, both singing and playing guitar quietly. Jennifer says "beautiful" not once but twice during the performance. Harry appreciated its subtlety, and Jennifer enjoyed the apparent effortlessness of it, probably because she has to work so damn hard at everything. Keith says her quietness pulled him in, so she's on to Hollywood. Much to her surprise.
A cherubic gas station attendant named Jesse Cline from Ashland, Kentucky works the graveyard shift and drove all night to get here, so he's pretty much been sleeping anywhere he can find a spot in the venue since then. With his guitar, he sings "Washed by the Water" by Needtobreathe (two phrases that mean nothing to me in the musical sense), and the judges are completely and instantly convinced by him, and say so. And give him a golden ticket, obvi. This is moving along quickly.
Hold up; Alyson Ragona, 19, has not only made the questionable decision of attempting "Bohemian Rhapsody" in this setting, she's turned it into a upbeat ukulele ditty. She must be stopped. Harry gets distracted by the giant cat face on her shirt and the half-formed joke about it in his head that he needs to get out, which he eventually does (it's not worth repeating). Alyson also needs to get out, which she also does. Then Chris Medina comes in with his guitar, cowboy hat and a dog named Bubby. Harry takes Bubby into his custody, snuggling the dog in his lap at the judges' table so Chris can sing without distractions. HE's also forgoing the distraction of the guitar he brought in, apparently as a prop, Bono-style. He's got a nice voice, so he gets a yes vote from all three of them, as well as his dog back. Keith assures him that the dog can come to Hollywood too, and Harry hopes the dog-holding helped soften his "Harsh Harry" image. "It's going to take more than that," Jennifer says, rather harshly if you ask me.
is Kristen O'Connor, a 24-year-old nurse tech from Sebastian, Florida. She's a skinny little white diva, and after she finishes singing -- but before she gets her verdict -- we cut to another contestant named Emily Piriz, 17, from Orlando. She's been a fan of the show since Season One, despite being barely old enough to remember such a time. Her voice kind of blows Kristen's away, but she's rather more annoying to watch. They both get through, though, I guess because as unspectacular as each of them is by themselves, they're somehow better than each other when shown back to back.
Enter Ben Briley, 24, from outside Nashville. He's got a guitar which he merely holds while twanging "Arms of a Woman" by Amos Lee. We now have a third category of auditioners: those who don't bring an instrument, those who play an instrument and those who bring an instrument but don't play it, and should thus be instantly disqualified as though they are, let's say, black. Jennifer and Keith look impressed, but Ben's singing more notes than Harry usually likes so we'll see how that goes over. Ben interviews a bit about his supportive wife Courtney. Keith says he might crash his car if he heard ho on the radio. Harry talks about gumbo, and different influences from different genres that Ben apparently represents to Harry's ears, but he was into it. Jennifer likes his "nasal-y tone," (note to Jennifer: "nasal" is already an adjective and thus does not need to have a "y" tacked on at the end to make it one) so he's through with three yes votes. He has had bestowed upon him both a golden ticket and a new nickname, "Gumbo." Well, you take the good, you take the bad.
Nica Nashae, 24, goes in confident and appropriately so, as she proves with her rendition of "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman" that the judges chair-dance to before sending her off with a summary yes and the encouragement that she might just win it. One advantage she has is that she was in and out of there so fast that she'll be able to keep the live shows on schedule.
is 15-year-old Jordan Brisbane from Savannah, Georgia, who thinks he has what it takes to "shut American Idol series down." He's kind of awkward and lispy when he speaks, but he comes out with a confident performance of "When I Was Your Man" by Bruno Mars. He does a bunch of runs, and Harry warns him to look out for that because other people do it better. He thinks he'll be a better singer in 10 years and Jennifer's with Harry, telling him to pull back on the runs. Keith thinks he did well enough given the intimidating environment, and Harry thinks he should be in movies because he's got such a great face. Worked for Harry. Anyway, they all give him a yes, like it seems they've been doing for everyone tonight. So far it seems like the only way to get shut down is to walk in with a ukulele.
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Since we're in Atlanta, the show needs to give a shout-out to Season 11 winner Phillip Phillips, who first auditioned in Savannah and threw a concert in Atlanta just a couple of nights ago. In the audience was one Sam Birchfield, who shows up at his audition this year dressed exactly like Phil, complete with guitar. Like Phil, he's also got an offbeat song selection for his audition, namely "I Wanna Be Like You" from The Jungle Book. Jennifer thought it was pretty original, and Keith liked his singing and his guitar playing. Harry was distracted by some vocal impediment and votes no. Since Jennifer has already said yes, it's up to Keith, and he sends Sam on through. Harry doesn't think he'll last long. Not if Harry has anything to say about it, which of course he will.
Jessica Meuse is a singer-songwriter-performer from Slapout, Alabama. I'm ether going to be a successful musician or a broke one," she tells us. Harry is of course completely distracted by the name "Slapout," which apparently comes from an old shop owner who used to say he was "slap out" of things. Eventually they let her sing, and she starts strumming away on a song she wrote herself, and we can tell. Her voice is a little shrill and grating, and she could stand to learn a fourth chord, but the judges seem to like her. Harry says she seems pretty low-maintenance, with no need of an entourage. Keith says she has this thing that solo performers do where they have to be the whole show, and anyway the point is that they all say yes. She's slap off to Hollywood, but I think it's a matter of time until she's slap out of the competition.
Twitter gets to guess on a guy named Jared Cotton, a classic oversinger who gets shitcanned… as Twitter failed to guess. Twitter is really bad at this.
Let's keep things moving along. Idol runs another one of those newly compact (and thus much better) "look at these weirdoes" sequences. This one features Travis Hunter Brown, 26, doing an unrecognizably tuneless version of "Valerie" while playing a tinny little backpack guitar; some nerd; and a clown in an American Flag outfit who Harry says wasn't singing at all. This segues into 19-year-old Lauren Ogburn, who thinks having an American flag bandanna around her head will make her seem edgy and dangerous and not some clean-cut country girl. Try a little harder, maybe, Lauren. She sings "Fancy" by Reba McEntire, and that vocal has more of the rough edges she was hoping to show, but not in a good way. Keith and Jennifer liked it, but she wants to hear from Harry. "Because I've heard you're kinda…" She's got Harry's attention with that. He thinks she's a little over accessorized, which she gets. They all give her a yes anyway, so it wasn't' even close. And then after acting all tough she basically swims out of there in a puddle of her own tears. Like an edgy person.
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Now it's the return of not one but two people who were eliminated before the live shows in Season 11. One of them is Neco Starr, now 22 and singing "Someone Like You." I know I said Adele was played out two years ago, but he was on the show then, which adds a new variable and I'm not being paid to do calculus here. The other returnee is Caleb Johnson, also 22, who blew his lyrics two years ago but is back now. Neco gets a no from Keith and a yes from Harry, and even though Harry didn't get it, he gives him a yes because he wants to hear him again. Caleb, however, gets yeses across the board, and better remember his damn words this time.
Looks like we're going to close out the night with 15-year-old Bria Anai, who looks twice that age. After meeting her mom, who Bria calls her "momager," this is understandable. "You should meet her dagent," Harry jokes lamely and belatedly after Brea tell the judges about her. Bria is also bringing the Adele with "One and Only." She's got a big diva-type voice and the judges like her, enough to let her get away with the sparkly purple lipstick she's wearing to match her pants. Even Harry can't believe she's only 15, and she gets a golden ticket. That's the end of day one or Atlanta, with 44 more contestants having earned golden tickets, for a total thus far of 163. I don't think I remember all 163 of them, do you? Oh well, I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to get reintroduced to them. The ones who stay, I mean.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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