The onscreen titles welcome us back, telling us that another life is about to change on September 25, 2013 in Austin, Texas. And it's the life of another dude with a guitar, as chance would have it. I mean, statistically, that was always the most likely demo. He sings a few lines of "To Make You Feel My Love" by Bob Dylan, barely brushing the strings as he goes, and Harry invites him to tell them about himself. The editors obligingly rewind all the way back to a shot of him in front of his house, holding up a handwritten sign identifying his hometown as Magnolia, Texas. And then there are lots of similar signs being held up by other hopefuls all over the country. Again with the cue cards from contestants all over the place, ending with Jennifer Lopez holding up one saying she's from Castle Hill in the Bronx; Keith Urban showing off that he's from Australia via Nashville; Harry Connick, Jr. displaying a cue card that simply reads "Who Dat?" (indicating both his NOLA origins and his relative anonymity to so many of the contestants thus far); and Ryan's sign saying he's from Atlanta, Georgia. Like anyone cares what lab Ryan was grown in. And then he's in front of a whole arena of contestants who are holding up their handwritten cards, which a whole section flips over to reveal the American Idol logo splashed over the backs of dozens of the cards. That was actually kind of a nifty bit there. People are a lot more docile before they get rejected, I guess.
As the auditions gear up, Ryan, Keith and Harry wander through the hotel, Ryan asking, "Where'd the princess go?" "He's here," Keith cracks, pointing to Harry. Jennifer is already in the audition room wondering where they are (I'm wondering where the bottom half of her shirt is), while the first contestant of the day, Jesse Roach, is already sweating it out in the Chamber -- that airlock designed to maximize contestants' suspense before they enter the audition room. The others finally show up with Harry wearing his leather jacket over his shoulders like a preppie's sweater in 1983. Anyway, Jessie's story is that she has a neighbor-slash-stalker who wandered into her garage one day and ended up signing her up and paid all expenses to go on Idol so here she is. She sings "Do Ya" by K.T. Oslin, and the judges seem impressed by not only the matte black finish of her guitar, but also her actual singing. Mostly the guitar, though, but it's enough to get her three yes votes and a ticket to Hollywood.
Then we get one of those three-at-a-time sequences where three auditioners seem to be singing at the same time. Steven Curd, 18, sings and plays guitar like a tenor Jack Johnson; 22-year-old waitress Anna Melvin belts "Wrecking Ball;" and a bearded and necktied bartender named Ryan Clark, 22, goes a capella. The judges dig all three of them and they're all going on. Montage of other people wanting golden tickets, and then there are a couple of friends from school who audition back-to-back. Jamiah Malik, 15, does his own original song and becomes possibly the first person I've ever seen doing solo-acoustic rap. His friend Quiandra Boston-Pearsall, 17, is going more traditional, with a gospel song. Will both of them make it, or none of them, or neither? One of them gets three nos, the other three yeses and we're not finding out which one it is until after the break. It's almost like a live show, except we just met these kids five seconds ago. As it turns out, Quiandra is in and Jamiah is out, as one might have guessed given that one of them was rapping. This isn't The X Factor, after all. He takes it pretty great, though. Better than Quiandra, in fact.
Megan Miller comes in and talks to Harry about being from Louisiana. You know who else was from Louisiana? Randy Jackson. I'm just saying. Megan kicks out a Carrie Underwood song. Jennifer liked her rasp on the high notes, but Harry seems concerned that she's a vocal time bomb, until she assures them that she sings several shows a week. Keith claims that it's as hard to listen to as it is to sing, but they all give her a yes and send her on to Hollywood. Mostly, in Harry's case, to see how she holds up.
is Grace Field, a professional piano player. Her first interaction with the judges seems to go well enough, but she turns out to have a shrill, piercing voice like an elementary school music teacher. Harry calls it "all over the place" and "frenetic," and Jennifer agrees that the vibrato was a little out of control. When she comes out, she remarks to Ryan that she isn't what they were looking for. Not that she knows what that is, obviously. The judges talk about that a little themselves, but it's not like they know either. By illustration, we see a falsetto-voiced mall punk interspersed with an oil worker singing Molly Hatchet. They both get their golden tickets, oddly enough.
Jennifer falls in love with Spencer Lloyd and his guitar on sight, so of course Harry jokes about hating him for the same reason. He's doing a Colton Dixon song because it turns out he's a "worship leader." There must be so much leaderless worship going on around the country during audition season. Harry says he's an "okay singer," but he's ridiculously good-looking, so that might be enough. Jennifer gives him a yes, Harry manages to crap out a yes with some effort, and Keith makes it unanimous. If Spencer can just survive until the live shows when the fangirls start voting, he might just win it all.
Marlon Lindsay, 27, is here after wanting to audition for the last eight or nine years, but being in the Army kind of put a crimp in that until now. He busts out with "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke, and sounds great. Before we can hear the judges' verdicts, however, some shirtless tool named Rick Rowling -- who is wearing jorts and suspenders -- goes into the Chamber. Ryan follows him on in there to ask what the plan is, and this goon smirks that he's going to purposely sing badly to try to promote his movie career. The judges give Marlon his golden ticket, while Rick finally heads inside and does some terrible Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell impressions for the completely bemused judges. After he delivers some nonsensical jokes, he finally starts "singing "a Rick Astley sing as the subtitles identify his occupation as "actor," complete with scare quotes. Even the subtitles are unimpressed. The judges immediately know they're being Rickrolled, and Harry isn't amused. "You've disrespected the process. There's people that wait their whole life for this." So he is summarily booted. Harry Connick, Jr. has no time for morons like Rick Rowling's shit. And clearly not American Idol's shit, which has been encouraging this for over a decade now. Between this and his disinterest in vocal run, Harry is cleaning house.
T.K. Hash, 28, happens to have a pretty decent Barack Obama impression in is back pocket, so when he ends up able to do a good job with a Fallout Boy song as well, it's just gravy. Keith's so into it he kind of joins in and Jennifer says she liked how he changed the energy in the room. Harry doesn't consider him the greatest singer ever, but likeable enough to earn a yes. The others agree, so he's in.
Twitter gets to guess about the fate of McKenna Dennis, and gets it right (she goes through). Congratulations Twitter! Sorry, no golden ticket for you.
Montage of the Chamber, which of course by definition is pretty much a montage of people freaking out before entering the audition room. And in comes a young man with a guitar along with a young woman, who at first glance look like they're boyfriend and girlfriend and are about to do a duet together, the way she just trots right up to the middle of the room to him. But there are two startling things about her. One is that she's actually his mom, and the other is that she's actually Nikki McKibbin, the third-place winner from the first season. There's even some archival footage of four-year-old Tristan in the audience back in the mists of time, when Nikki looked exactly the way she does now. He plays guitar and sings "Santeria," with his mom lip-syncing along off to the side. It's a sweet moment, but this kid isn't going anywhere. Jennifer likes how he's a second-generation American Idol and this is such an historic moment, but Harry says it wouldn't work without the story. Jennifer disagrees and gives him a yes. Harry is a no, while Keith, who warned Tristan about not choking out his voice, makes him wait for it. Finally Tristan comes out to face the rest of his family empty-handed, but he just had the golden ticket tucked under his short. So he's in. We'll have to wait and see if he'll also be a second-generation beneficiary of electronic ballot-stuffing.
The contestant enters already singing wile crawling out of the Chamber. He's not bad, but that was one of the most annoying entrances ever by someone who could sing at all. This is Emmanuel Zidor, 24, and after talking with the judges like a normal person for a bit, he sings something else with a lovely voice and way too many mannerisms. They love him, and he gets all emotional, saying so many people have told him he can't sing. Not these three, though, who present him with his ticket. Maybe Emmanuel needs to get some updated opinions.
Montage of Harry clowning around with contestants, and with Jennifer's kids, and with more contestants, but when a guy named Samuel Ramsey claims he's going to do a "jazzy" version of "I Want You Back," joking time is over. You don't tell Harry Connick, Jr. that you're going to do "jazzy" and then not do jazzy. Obviously Samuel gets shot down hard. Harry says that "jazzy "is a word like "pitchy," which everyone knows what it means but uses incorrectly, Randy Jackson.
Then in comes a tall drink of water named Kaitlin Johnson from North Plains Oregon, who Harry doesn't believe is fifteen. "You're 32 years old, you're from New York City and your name is Beth Goodwin," Harry insists. If it is a practical joke, though, Caitlin is sticking to it, as we get so see her working on her family's horse ranch. She says she's going to do the Christina Aguilera version of "Something's Got a Hold on Me" by Etta James, which is probably not the kind of thing Harry likes to hear. She sings for a bit before Harry stops her and says she's not ready. Jennifer is more hopeful, while Keith likes her voice enough to say yes. Jennifer's not happy about being the swing vote, but after a while she decides to cut her some slack and give her a ticket. "It'll be good, you'll see," she tells Harry clearly not believing it herself. But it's not like anything terrible is going to happen if a few not-that-great people end up in Hollywood. Some of the cuts will just be that much easier.
Ronald Reed, 23 is confident that he's going to not only be the American Idol, but also put an end to worldwide disease and hunger. I kind of wish he'd get on with the latter, which seems like more of a priority. In the audition room, he perches on a stool and starts plying his guitar softly and singing even more softly. Most of his energy, alas, seems to be going into making faces. Harry shoots one at Jennifer that more than measures up, though. Keith just gets the heebie-jeebies, shivering like he's got the grody-chills. Jennifer stops Ronald and makes his day by calling him "Sweetie," but then she and Keith say his vocals aren't up to scratch. "Yes! They are!" he insists, ready to do another song. Harry basically says he's objectively bad, and they all vote no. He leaves the room weeping, and collapses on the floor amid his family outside the Chamber, and assures Ryan he'll be back every year. I'm sure Ryan can't wait.
David Luning, 26, shows up with a guitar, a fedora and a vest, a look I can't believe we haven't seen on this show in almost two whole nights. He does a dark, bluesy song that doesn't really match his Mumford & Sons look. Jennifer says it was "interesting" and can hear him on a record. Keith pegs him as a singer-songwriter who wouldn't be able to hack Hollywood week, but also thinks there's not really anyone else in his category. Harry agrees that David doesn't really fit the show's generally happy vibe. Jennifer's ready to give him a shot, and we see him coming out with his golden ticket. Meanwhile, Keith and Harry speculate amusingly on what the guy might sound like if he starts doing diva songs. Not good, is the answer.
Anther two-fer comes in: twins Selina and Sierra Moreno, 22. They interview that they're not good at anything but singing, which makes me think they're not going to be good at singing, either. Selena, the one in the black jacket, starts oversinging "Try" by Janis Joplin in a way that has Harry already looking expectantly at her sister in the hopes she'll be better. At least that's how I read that look. Jennifer lets Sierra take her turn before they decide on Selena, and Sierra's rendition of "One Plus One" is much prettier, more controlled and just generally better. Or at least that's how it seems to me… and possibly to Selena as well, because Selena is staring daggers at her from the side. The judges have the sisters reunite on the little platform, and Jennifer says that Selena seemed pretty forced, whereas Sierra appeared more nervous. Keith likes Selena's voice and Sierra's performance style. As for Harry, he gives a speech about how easy his job is because everyone comes in prepared for a judgment. And he also understands gets sisters, what with his three girls at home. That said, he tells them that one of them is clearly a better singer. I noticed that, too. The twins are left hanging through the ads, after which Selena gets three yeses. Jennifer also says yes to Sierra, but Keith tells her no, and Harry says this makes it interesting, and that the sisters made the wrong decision to come in together, because there's a golden ticket for Selena and not for Sierra. I think that's the wrong decision.
Montage of rejects, and then a familiar young woman named Briana Oakley enters the Chamber. The reason she's familiar is because she auditioned last year and was sent home during Hollywood week. Keith remembers her, and has her introduce herself to the other two judges. She says she was devastated last year but it was a learning experience. And what did she learn? That… she really wants this. Well, that will certainly be valuable knowledge. She does "Stay" by Sara Bareilles. Keith's in, Jennifer thinks she's like Jordin Sparks, and Harry appreciates the way she actually sings with her mouth open. And as easy as that, Briana gets a golden ticket. Just like last year.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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