The season starts with white-on-black titles telling us it’s October 8, 2013 in Detroit, Michigan, and "Contestant #is about to audition in front of the judges." We fade in on a young woman schlepping an acoustic guitar, who says to the camera, "A-game," and then steps into what looks like an airlock from IKEA. During a long moment inside the confined space, she's forced to confront herself and all her insecurities in a full-length mirror, after which a terrifying buzzer goes off, a green light scars her retinas, and the opposite door opens. From there, she and some more onscreen titles make their way to the audition room, the latter reminding us, "Life can change in a heartbeat."
The judges themselves -- Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick, Jr. (whom, after last year, I fully expect to save this show single-handed, no pressure) greet her casually and learn that her name is Marielle and she's 17. She starts strumming away and singing "Grenade" by Bruno Mars in a voice that's pretty deep for a 17-year-old of either gender. The judges are immediately impressed, and Keith rips a third off of the golden ticket on their table and offers his vote to her in that form. The other judges follow suit, so she's in. Harry makes her tell the camera that she plans to be the American Idol, which she does with a fair amount of conviction. The titles, however, remind us that there are 75,000 other hopefuls, and we'll be the ones to decide. But since about 25,000 of those are likely to be total goofballs, she may not have it as tough as we think.
There's a shorter title sequence with new graphics declaring this to be American Idol XIII, because every year this show is more convinced that it's the Olympics. It looks like we're starting in Boston. There's lots of b-roll of the city intermixed with auditioners alternately speaking hopefully or holding up handwritten cue cards Bob Dylan-style. The judges show up in their SUV limos and greet each other, then chat on a couch in a green room somewhere. Harry is of course the one newbie on the panel, and all he promises is to be honest. The other judges make some comments to the camera to start things off, and there are some uncharacteristically quick glimpses of Seacrest, but it goes by quick and then we meet the contestant: Troy Durden from Boston, who claims to be a 100 on a scale of 1 to 10. He's a 3 at managing expectations.
Then he shows up in front of the judges and declares that he loves to twerk, which he forthwith commences to do. Having broken the ice, he launches into a crooning version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," of all things. He's got a nice voice, and his own arrangement, with some of those runs that have been working so well for people on this show for the last, oh, ten years or so. Jennifer kind of loved it, and the guys dare him to do it again while twerking. He's a better singer than a twerker, it turns out. They all vote yes, and Jennifer warns him to take himself seriously. This as he exits with his golden ticket (which are actually gold-colored now, and look like tickets, rather than a yellow sheet of cheap-ass Xerox paper) and they make lots of "twerk" puns. And then Troy does the happy dance when he reunites with his family outside, and we're off to the races.
Time now to meet another 17-year-old, but this one has a sad backstory. I know, three whole contestants in. Abandoned by his mother at 13, moving on to his depressed father, Sam Woolf now lives with his grandparents in Bradenton, Florida. They seem pretty supportive, especially his grandpa, who sets up gigs for him at local restaurants and stuff. With his guitar, he treats the judges to an earnest but speedy rendition of "Lego House" by Ed Sheeran, impressing the judges with his voice and pitch. Harry disapproves of how good the kid's tattoo looks, when he's been telling his 17-year-old daughter she's too young for one, but other than that he's into it. They vote him on to Hollywood unanimously, except for Harry who vetoes the tattoo. I don't know how Harry is going to enforce that without showing up in Hollywood toting a laser.
Then Ryan Seacrest narrates a montage of dream-following and tells us, "This is your story, America. This is your show." So if we don't like it it's our fault.
After the ads, Ryan's voice and the Bob Dylan cue cards are back to talk about the seven audition cities and the Idol Bus Tour. Ryan also explains the new airlock thing we saw at the beginning of the episode, which they are calling "The Chamber." Seriously? They're just asking for people to fart in there, with that name. Ryan also boldly refers to this year's judges as "the best panel we've ever assembled," which is a wordy way to say "no more Randy." A montage reintroduces us to how awesome all three of them are in their own ways, and then we're back to auditions. Ethan Thompson, 23, is here with his guitar to take the show back for the White Guys With Guitars demo that was so under-served last year for once. There's also bluesy 18-year-old Lindsey Pedicone from Pennsylvania. And look, it's Jillian Jensen, who got boned with her pants on by Demi Lovato on The X Factor two seasons ago! All three of them are in, and Harry deadpans, "Jen, I am impressed by the rocks that you got."
Taylor Freaking Hildack (19) meets Ryan Freaking Seacrest out in the arena (which is how they freaking talk to each other as Ryan takes her freaking phone she was freaking videoing him with to freaking video her instead), and she winks at Harry that she's a "jazz vocalist at a community college." But then her version of "Before He Cheats" suggests that she might not be leaving community college any time soon. The judges are pretty lukewarm on her, and Jennifer is the only one to vote yes, so she's the first reject of the season. And she wasn't even a weirdo, either.
Cue the montage of people getting send home empty-handed, including one who says this was her seventh time. Harry comments to one hopeful about how we live in a time of pitch-correcting software, "and you could really use it." The nice thing about it is that from these people, we see only a little crying and no singing whatsoever. I miss that about as much as I miss Randy.
Moving on to 16-year-old self-declared Jersey girl Stephanie Hanvey, who's a big Jennifer Lopez fan, as chance would have it. She sings for a minute, in a voice that doesn't blow away the judges, but there's something about her the guys like anyway. The judges prepare to vote, and we go to ads with some actual doubt as to how this is going to turn out. Keith gives her a yes, however, and Jennifer gives a reserved affirmative, and Harry adds that he would have said yes too, so she's got her golden ticket to inevitable heartbreak in Hollywood. But for now, everyone's pretty happy.
The contestant, 15-year-old Morgan Deplitch, gushes at Jennifer about what a role model she is to her. "Not so much you, Harry," Keith points out, but the girl says her mom loves him. Stop talking now, Morgan. Fortunately she's got a Grace Potter song that she belts out, though it kind of runs out of steam near the end. Jennifer liked it, and Harry points out that it wasn't that age-appropriate for her. "You're such a daaad," Jennifer laughs at him. Keith was cool with it, and after he and Jennifer say yes, so does Harry. "And tell your mom thanks!" he adds.
Up is a 22-year-old burger-flipper named James Earl from Norwich, CT, who deplores the state of modern music, leaves Ryan hanging for a handshake, and generally comes off like a Dave Chappelle character in a jacket he stole from a waiter in a Chinese restaurant. He tells the judges that he wants to be R. Kelly, Michael Jackson, and Luther Vandross. So his role models are either dead, child molesters, or both. Still, the judges seem to think he's pretty cool, Harry in particular. He sings a song of his own creation in a voice that is almost the exact opposite of his speaking voice, shuttling back and forth between MJ and Luther in his vocal quality, which is pretty whiplash-inducing. Harry still thinks he's cool, but the voice wasn't there. So he invites him to tell a joke instead. James obliges with a terrible one, and Harry says that's his calling, because James Earl can be a terrible singer or a terrible comedian but if he's the latter than at least he's off Harry Connick, Jr.'s plate.
Jacqueline Verna, 18, is a young diva who sings as many notes as possible. Jennifer looks expectantly at Harry, wanting to see what he does. She clearly saw his jeremiad against unnecessary runs of notes last season. Harry steps up and says he's not "taken by the smoke and mirrors of pentatonics." She has no idea what he's talking about, or maybe she's wondering what the hell he thinks she has to do with Pentatonix. Jennifer thinks she should try again year, and Harry also sends her off. And then he tries to give Jennifer a little music theory lesson about the five go-to notes of the pentatonic scale, until Jennifer tells him, "You know too damn much. Let's go." Whew, we were in danger of learning something for a minute there.
A 17-year-old high school senior named Austin Percario interviews about what a stage mom he has, and then tells the judges that he'll be 18 when he goes to Hollywood, so he'll be glad to ditch his mom. So of course the judges tell the kid to invite her in so she can fidget nervously during his audition. It's "Titanium," which he does with plenty of overdramatics in it, which Jennifer likes. Keith thinks he sounds like Justin Bieber at five in the morning. And Harry figures he's lucky to have a stage mom because he'll be around stages a lot. Three yes votes, in other words. "I'm going to Hollywood without my mom!" Austin crows to the camera. She's going to love watching this.
Kaitlyn Jackson is 15, and shares an emotional story about her grandfather having a heart attack in a grandstand while she was performing, and then she wrote a song that he never got to hear because he died the day after she wrote it. As a songwriter, she's not a bad singer. The lyrics are both prosaic and too rhyme-y, which takes some doing. But she's 15, so what do I want from her, anyway? The judges are impressed with the song, though, so they unreservedly give her a ticket. They're looking forward to watching her over the course of the competition, too. Thanks, dead grandpa.
On day two, we're starting with Keith London, 21, from Hazelton, Pennsylvania. He does odd jobs and busking to pay his student loans, which makes me wonder what his major was. He's doing "Roar" by Katy Perry for the judges, accompanying himself on his acoustic guitar and showing off a pretty decent tenor voice. Jennifer stops him before he ruins it, because he made her like the song more than she already did. I don't know. Keith also liked it, but Harry wasn't as moved by the stripped-down version. "This show produces stars that move people," he says, rather optimistically if you ask me. Keith and Jennifer give him a yes, and Harry's opinion that he's "not a good enough singer" gets outvoted, so Keith has his ticket to Hollywood.
A fratty dude named Sam Atherton from Taunton, MA claims to be so good he doesn't have to practice any more. He's also almost completely lacking in charm, and asks the judges if he can do three songs because he wants one of them to be his original. Keith invites him to do the worst one first, so he offers to start with the original, which cracks the judges up. But then his horrible song, "Love Doesn't Last Forever" is bad enough to bring the room down and earn a "no" for Sam from Keith and Harry. He doesn't take it well, interviewing that he has perfect pitch and is a better musician than "J. Lo and Keith Urban and Tony Connick, Jr. combined." Depending on who Tony Connick, Jr. is, and how far he drags the curve down, that may actually be possible.
Montage of contestants being all excited about Jennifer and ignoring the guys, which Harry has a few things to say about. "I've never been this close to celebrities before," one of them says. "Neither have I," Harry deadpans.
Ryan claims that there's a "twist" this season in which we're invited to guess whether a contestant is being sent to Hollywood or home. I though people did that anyway, but this time we're being asked to register our predictions on Twitter about the fate of some chick we hear singing for about three seconds. Turns out yes, she went through. Which Twitter was mostly right about. So there you go. Actually, I suppose three seconds is more than enough time for plenty of Tweeters to pass judgment.
Ryan tries to bond with some large dude over their allegedly shared football past, and then starts scampering around the holding room like they're running a play until he racks himself on a chair. One of my favorite Seacrest moments ever right there. Anyway, Shanon Wilson, 24, turns out to be a pretty decent R&B singer who busts out a powerful falsetto register. Jennifer's waving the ticket over her head before he's even done. "What, no key change?" Keith cracks. Shanon leaves with the ticket like he was totally expecting it the whole time.
Then in walks some cheerleader, as Harry says he almost wore the exact same outfit. Her name is Stephanie Petronelli, she's 22, and she's already hoarse from practicing. She busts out that same Grace Potter song from earlier, which is a little more age-appropriate, not to mention voice-appropriate given her current rasp. Harry's worried about her voice holding up long-term, given that her outfit allowed him to see that it wasn't coming from the diaphragm. And he didn't dig her voice that much anyway. Jennifer disagrees, saying she had more soul than she expected, and Keith is somewhere in between. Jennifer gives her a yes, Harry a no, and Keith cops to being on the fence. It's up to him, so he decides to make it a yes. And when more cheerleaders come in, Harry changes his vote, saying he never had the chance to say no to four cheerleaders when he was in high school. I kind of find that hard to believe.
When we come back, a mariachi named Jacob Flores from Hot Springs, Arkansas is chatting with the judges while improvising a musical score for the whole scene on his Spanish guitar. That's our intro to the auditions having moved to Austin, Texas. Keith has dressed for the occasion in a "Keep Austin Weird" shirt. Durann Cree, 17, shows up in front of the judges and does "Cupid's Got a Shotgun" by Carrie Underwood. Harry recognizes her as a big fish in a little pond, but AI is a pretty big pond. Jennifer gives her a yes and Harry a reluctant no. And Keith? Well, when Durann comes out of the room wiping away tears, we can guess how it went down.
And some more people go down in rapid succession, and some more go on. Then we're reminded of the existence of the Chamber, which Ryan tries on for size himself (he fits in there easily, by the way). We then met Savion Wright, 21, from Jasper, Texas. He's been trying to get here for eight years and his sad backstory is his ADHD diagnosis, which his guitar helped with more than anything else. Savion tells Harry he's been listening to his music since he was ten, and Harry asks if Savion knows who he is. Of course Savion does, and he says so. "No, I am Chris Isaak," Harry claims. Savion offers up an original, which is energetic and melodic and everything Sam Atherton's original song wasn't. Harry warns him that the other contestants are going to be intimidated by him, which is not terrible news. They vote, and give him some joking "no"s before telling him he's in. Jennifer even gets up from the table to bring him his ticket. So now Savion can happily go home and listen to all of his Chris Isaak records.
Harry and Keith clown around on their cell phones a bit, pretending to speak while in the same room. Keith admits that he's holding his phone upside down. "Well, you are Australian," Harry says, which explains everything. And then we meet Terrica Curry, 20, who has two moms. One of them is her godmother, so don't get too excited. Justin Fira is like a Native American Jason Mraz who parks cars for a living, and Shelby Comley, 15, sings "Delta Dawn" because her dad is an actual cowboy. All three of them make it through, and Ryan tries to hoist Shelby's cowboy dad off the floor, almost immediately dropping him. Ryan's theme tonight is either "failed feats of athleticism" or "let's see what my insurance covers."
Up is Madelyn Patterson, an obviously southern girl who sings "Up to the Mountain," going right to the belting early on. Jennifer is blown away, and Harry invites her to keep singing, but Jennifer would rather just vote. Keith and Jennifer both give her an unreserved yes, but Harry warns Madelyn that "some people on this panel are very easily impressed by licks." He tries to go on, but Jennifer's already handing over the ticket, so Harry tells her she'll hear his advice in Hollywood. After Madelyn runs out screaming, Jennifer takes Harry to task, and Harry busts them for going "ooh" every time someone sings a "lick." And the editors back him up on that, exactly as he just asked them to. Like Madelyn gives half a crap right now.
Viviana Villion has decided to sing Maroon 5's "Love Somebody" while accompanying herself on the ukulele, which she hopes will set her apart. It certainly should set her apart from those going to Hollywood. It's not as bad as it sounds, though. Unlike 17-year-old lifeguard Savannah Young, who plays guitar while singing a version of "Toxic" that I think is in 7/13 time. Ben Boone, 22, also has a guitar to sing "Closer" by Alex Clare. He's the best singer of the three, and Jennifer shows off what she thinks are her "first goosies of the season." Wow, there's a word I didn't miss. This launches an auditioners-with-guitars montage, underscored by some other contestant complaining to another that people with guitars have an advantage over those without. You know what else gives some people an advantage? Breath control. Artistic instincts. Good voices. Vocal training. Some people have those, some don't. Just like with guitars. One guy who is feeling the lack of a stringed instrument is Malcolm Allen, who decides to go in and audition with his air guitar. Except he's obviously playing an air bass, so he needs to bring that thing back to the air music store. I hope he kept his air receipt. Fortunately he can sing really well, as his performance of "Superstition" indicates. Jennifer loves how natural he was, and gives him a "triple yes" that is apparently so powerful that the guys don't even need to vote. Though Harry remarks to the other judges that he was the best singer of the day, so it's not like anyone's going to protest Malcolm's going to Hollywood.
Then some kid named Rolando Guerrero (actually he's 21) is so overcome by meeting Jennifer Lopez that he ends up crying in her arms and repeatedly calling her "Jennifer Lopez." Harry says you know you're a megastar when people call you by both names. "Isn't that right, Keith Urban?" Rolando pulls himself together enough to sing them a song that was originally recorded by, guess who, Jennifer Lopez. He's better than I expected, but still not what I would describe as, you know good. And that's even discounting the way he comes apart again before he's done. They all say no, which he thinks is his cue to keep singing -- never a good sign. But he ends up coming out of the audition room happy that he got to hug Jennifer Lopez. I have a feeling that's all he came here for.
All this J. Lo-worship is naturally followed by a whole montage of people forgetting Harry Connick, Jr.'s name and/or not knowing who he is, which Harry jokes about more than anyone. That is until Munfarid Zaidi (19, from Sugarland, TX and born in Lahore, Pakistan) comes in and says he reads Harry's Wikipedia page every night before he goes to sleep. Cheaper than Unisom, I guess. Harry happily runs up to him and hugs him, sweeping him clear off his feet. So this is clearly going to be the moment that Fox has been teasing for months on its other shows, which is Harry offering to hold him like a baby on the second song if he nails the first. Munfarid uses a pitch pipe to get in tune for Adele's "Crazy for You." The judges can see what's coming, because dude can sing, it turns out. So Harry's got to get back up from his chair and scoop Munfarid up for his second song, and cradle him in his arms while Munfarid sings him a tender love song. Then Harry carries him over to the table to collect his ticket and says he's taking him to his hotel. Munfarid seems pretty portable. "Why was he cradling you?" Ryan asks Munfarid. "Because I love him," Munfarid says matter-of-factly. Oh, and it's also a big day for Keith Urban, because he gets word that his new album just hit number one in three countries. So Harry scoops him up too. He's a little bigger than Munfarid, though. "Should one of us go limp?" Keith asks, beating Harry to a laugh line for once.
We now get a new thing where Ryan goes all Nate Silver on us. Over an animated map of the U.S., he breaks down that 21 people from Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, Georgia, and Michigan got through the Austin auditions, plus 25 people from Boston, totaling 46. And you know what the craziest thing about that is? I feel like we might have actually seen most of them. Even crazier: I actually enjoyed this show. It's about damn time someone figured out that Randy Jackson is the anti-Blue Bonnet®; everything's better without him on it.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.