It never occurred to naïve little me what ideal pre-credits sequence fodder the homecoming parades would be, but of course now here it is, set to Simon and Garfunkel's "Homeward Bound." The onscreen titles warn us, "And one goes home tonight," before flashing us every possible permutation of the final two matchup. Of which there are only three, so it doesn't take that long.
The judges and Ryan enter down the aisle, Jennifer with a teal parachute wrapped around her waist. Ryan says the competition is "crazy-close," and announces that Adam Lambert and Lisa Marie Presley are performing tonight. The audience's reaction to the latter makes me want to check my TV's sound settings, because it doesn't sound anything at all like "Wha--?" Then the final three sing "Got to Get You Into My Life" by the Beatles. I have no theory on why that was picked, unless it has something to do with the late Michael Jackson's rights to the Lennon-McCartney catalog devolving to his ex? I don't know, that's less confusing than having to listen to this song in the form of a round.
Coming back, the couch-bleachers must be out in the alley, because the final three are all sitting in stools. The Ford Music video makes even less sense than usual, with a silent movie grafted onto a commercial, but at least Phil's still sitting them out. I'm actually morbidly curious about watching the last one week, if Phil's in the top two and the other finalist has to do it alone. After that embarrassing interlude, Ryan lets each of the final three talk about how nervous they all are, and reminds us that Jason DeRulo still can't write a song without our help, and leads Joshua to center stage to start the results. Allegedly.
During Joshua's clips from last night, Jimmy says Josh had a good but not great night. "I'd Rather Be Blind" wasn't worth a standing ovation, he thought. "I think I was lying down at the time," he says. I'm sure lots of people have been over the years, to that song. Jimmy also thinks Joshua is the best showman in the competition, and had to overcompensate for the simple melody of "Imagine" with a lot of extra notes. Jimmy admits that his own choice for Joshua's third song, "No More Drama," didn't have enough melody for him, but Josh did a good job with it. After the clip, Joshua says he listens to everything Jimmy says, like he was the one being criticized for the last song. Oh, and results? None yet ,of course.
Then there's a taped bit in which Jennifer has to field calls from the characters in Ice Age, who are supposedly confusing Jennifer with somebody named Shira. Because, as it turns out, Jennifer voices a character by that name in the new sequel, as we learn when an animated saber-toothed tiger with her voice wanders into her dressing room to commiserate. Then there's zero transition to the top four (including Hollie) meeting a hyperkinetic singer-songwriter named Ester Dean at a studio to get their voices added to the mix for a song from the film. So have we sufficiently plugged Jennifer's new movie yet?
Lisa Marie Presley then sings her new song "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet," which turns out to sound basically the opposite of the song of the same title by Bachman Turner Overdrive. They've got her on a stage that's decorated to look like the set of True Blood and backed by a band of '80s Tom Petty reenactors in stovepipe hats. Thanks, Lisa Marie. Now don't come around here no more.
Ryan announces a few audition dates for Season Twelve. There's going to be another season? Back in this one, it's Jessica's turn under Jimmy's microscope. Jimmy says everyone needs a "shock and awe moment" at this stage of the competition, but Jessica didn't quite get that with "My All." He also wasn't completely blown away by her rendition of the Aerosmith song, which is what he says she needs. He's probably right. Jimmy again blames himself for picking "I'll Be There" and making Jessica sing both parts, which he thinks hurt her. I don't know, I thought it gave her a chance to show off a higher degree of difficulty. Jimmy says she's worthy of singing on the Grammys, but it's about the songs for her. And about some more waiting on the couches. Excuse me, the stools.
Oh, look, an Ice Age ad. What a coincidence.
Ryan stands in the audience to the ex-finalists, as well as Jimmy and Carol Bayer Sager and Rita Wilson. They take a moment to eulogize Donna Summer, who died this morning. I think that between her and Dick Clark, we've learned this season that celebrities in the music business could do worse than to die on the day of an American Idol taping.
Now here's Adam Lambert, singing his new single "Never Close Our Eyes" while sporting old-school Michael Damian hair and a neon t-shirt with matching earrings. Pretty retro song, too, with some '80s glam and a '70s disco beat, so at least he's consistent. I was wondering why he didn't seem to be getting any of those alumni spots on the show, but now I can sleep tonight. The message of his song (and the creepy giant unblinking eye staring out at the audience from the projection screen) notwithstanding.
One commercial break later, Phil is called to center stage for Jimmy's analysis of the night. Jimmy says he did a great job with "Beggin'," and he's getting more original. "No harm, no foul." What a ringing endorsement for Phillip's potential as a top-two finalist. For his second song, Jimmy appreciates Phil's willingness to go down in flames for the sake of an experiment, but the Matchbox Twenty was pretty dull. Finally, Jimmy says that "We've Got Tonight" was Phil's best of the competition and the best of the night, hitting notes Jimmy didn't think Phillip could hit. I still maintain that he only tapped them gently. Jimmy also appreciated the emotion in Phillip's last performance. Now that that's over with, Ryan calls Joshua and Jessica over to join them. But before we get to the actual news, Ryan makes the judges yammer on to allegedly build suspense. All of them are supportive and positive while being sad about potentially losing any one of the remaining three, but they finally finish talking, and then... ads. Duh.
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Finally we come back, Ryan orders the lights dimmed, and says that after 90 million votes, the first person with a spot in the finale is... Jessica. She looks pretty amazed, to say the least, but the audience is thrilled, including the ex-finalists and Jessica's family and even Jennifer. And the other person going to the finale? Phillip Phillips. So that's it for Joshua, which I thought was the least likely outcome of tonight. Which is why I try not to make predictions, and if I did, you shouldn't pay attention to them. After his farewell reel, Ryan touts the final two of Jessica and Phillip, and lets Joshua sing us out with "This Is a Man's Man's Man's World," which Joshua dutifully does, even singing part of it with Jennifer draped over him in a giant hug. He also drags his mom up onstage with him and belts all the way to the end without even trying. I'm starting to think he even sings that way to himself in the shower. Finale week, and then we get our lives back, right?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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