Confession time: when the show started, my DVR box was stuck on Whitney for some reason and my every increasingly desperate attempt to change the channel was met with the error code "NORSC." So while I was yanking out plugs and cables and hair, I totally missed the overblown pre-credits sequence in which Ryan Seacrest told us all about how awesome American Idol is, and how many thousands of people audition, and how wonderful and relevant this season's new judges (Mariah Carey, Nicki Minaj and Keith Urban) are and how the venerable Randy Jackson is logging yet another season as the show's Ziering. And I also missed the title sequence, with Ryan telling us about all the people showing up for the first day of auditions in New York City. So I actually have no idea what happened. Sorry.
By the time my box comes on, Mariah and Nicki are already in mid-argument about some alleged reaction Mariah had to Nicki's hat. Into this marches Michael Buonopane, a beefy 27-year-old frat guy from Saugus, MA, singing his own version of "We Will Rock You" with lyrics customized for the occasion. Judges always love that. He goes into a whole routine where he's supposedly channel-surfing on the radio and doing a couple of different genres in a way that makes Keith think of Robin Williams. Not. A. Compliment. "Are you gonna sing?" Nicki asks. They've said no before he even knows it happened. On his way out, he tells Mariah that "All I Want for Christmas" is the best modern-day Christmas song. I don't disagree, but Mariah disagrees even less, enough to make Nicki call her a bitch. I don't think these two are even trying to get along.
During the judge-primping between contestants, Mariah tweaks Nicki over her superior knowledge of Mean Girls, which is several more levels of meta I would have thought Mariah Carey capable of. There's a whole Mariah-diva montage punctuated by the kind of going-crazy faces that helped make Nicki Minaj famous in the first place. At the risk of drifting away from the show's mission, we meet the contestant. She's Tenna Torres from Queens, 28, who is actually an alumna of something called "Camp Mariah." Which I've never heard of, but luckily Mariah has or this could have gotten awkward in a hurry. Mariah makes much of this, particularly the old picture of the two of them together, not least of which because this allows Maria to push Nicki's buttons some more, as though Nicki weren't already one big button at this point. Tenna sings them a slow, soulful version of "You've Got a Friend." The judges shout yes, but Mariah quiets them down so she can make a speech to go with her yes. The other three make it unanimous, so Tenna is going to Hollywood. Presumably she will soon have an updated photo of herself with Mariah Carey.
There's a montage of three decent-sounding and decent-looking, but nameless singers getting their golden tickets. We'll never see them again. Then we meet a 15-year-old named James Bae who wants to follow in Justin Bieber's footprints, although I'm sure Randy's first thought when he sees the bespectacled, blank-faced nerd is of Heejun. Alas, James's rendition of a Bieber tune is rather more William Hung. Nicki unwisely asks if he has a girlfriend, possibly hoping to soften the upcoming blow and finds herself being asked out. Mariah suggest he try DJing instead, an idea she probably got from the giant headphones around James's neck. Randy agrees that he once wanted to be a NASCAR driver. Nicki hops a bus to follow that tangent, and after they give James a unanimous no, Nicki gives him a lot more encouragement than he probably deserves complete with some PDA. Ultimately he takes it pretty well, "because in the end, Nicki Minaj kissed me."
After some ads, we return to Day 1 in New York. A starstruck girl named Christina comes in and accepts the judges' invitation to talk about her weight loss, which Randy oh-so-respectfully segues into a callback to Mean Girls. Then Christina belts out a version of "Summertime" that sounds like she never lost an ounce. The judges are really impressed with her and her voice and her confidence, so they're happy to let her through. And they don't even make her promise to keep the weight off like the X Factor judges would have.
Ryan introduces us to a guy named Evan who has seventeen years of dance experience and also bone cancer. Not such a great combo, that. After a long backstory about his fight for life, we finally learn -- via the first shot of him that shows anything below his waist -- that Evan lost a leg. Yep, there's the prosthetic. He wears shorts out into the audition room with his guitar strapped on his back so everyone can see his whole deal at a glance. There's no time to waste in that room, you know. He sings "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, not spectacularly and without unslinging his guitar. Randy invites him to play them something as well, so he accompanies himself on "Wanted Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi. The judges like him, but not for the competition, and do their best in front of the cameras to make an inspirational thing out of shooting him down. He's only too happy to play along, too.
From somewhere in Central Park, Ryan tells us that this year the competition is allowing people to "nominate" more reluctant contestants, apparently via webcam. One of these is a 19-year-old named Jessica Kartalis, a poor man's Taylor Swift who's just putting on a little show for the locals in a dinky little Staten Island bar when Randy takes the ferry out to invite her to auditions the day, much to her surprise and excitement. She shows up with a guitar and sings an original song. And it's a little awkward, because it doesn't go all that great as she makes several mistakes in her guitar playing. So now what do you do when you've brought someone in to audition and they're not that good? Nicki says she's not quite ready and Jessica offers to try something else, but they're good until year. Hey, you went to her, jerks. Yeah, that didn't work. So now she comes out in tears to accept the support of her family. Nice job ruining someone's week unsolicited, Idol.
After a montage of people from all over the world, it's time to meet Shira Gavrielov. She claims to have charted a number one single in her home country of Israel and given her shaky performance of "Valerie," she probably should have stayed there. But they let her through, possibly more because of her cutoffs than her singing.
Day one closes with a 24-year-old guy named Frankie Ford, who tells the story of his adoption while sitting in an empty theater, which is a bit of a spoiler telling us that he's probably going to Hollywood. Currently he's a subway busker from Flatbush. He launches into a powerful version of "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics, but stumbles not far in. There's a suspenseful pause before he starts over in a different key and gets through it this time. They like him and he promises to work hard, and although Nicki doesn't think he has the best voice, he's in. "Frankie, you're going to Hollywood," Keith tells him while "Relax" is appropriately spinning up on the soundtrack. Get it? Frankie goes to Hollywood! There are going to be so many people claiming to be named Frankie at season's auditions.
Day two kicks off with Nicki and Mariah starting right in on each other. We begin the day with a pudgy guy in a Jheri curl wig and a plastic Michael Jackson Halloween costume that he can no longer sip up. This fellow, Benjamin Gaisey, sings a version of "I'll Make Love To You" that is almost drowned out by the creaking of his costume, but not enough. Inadvisably, he sings it directly to Mariah and also to Nicki, throwing in a pelvic thrust at the latter that seems to genuinely shock her. They all laugh in his face, and Nicki even encourages him while Keith hides under the table. Randy asks about the wig and Benjamin explains how it's all for his idol. "You obviously love Tom Jones," Keith cracks. They tell him no as though he's serious about this and he creaks on out of the room. The wig stays on, though.
Another Staten Islander is up, name of Rozanna Shindelman. Apparently she subjects her parents to all of her practicing. While she's in the audition room, her mom holds forth to Ryan at length about Rozanna's "sinkink" in a heavy Russian accent. An accent which, alas, Rozanna preserves in her singing voice. Unfortunately, she makes up for her diction by being a terrible singer in general. That's four nyets for Rozanna, which leads into a montage of rejection, including of one guy who farts while singing. And, of course, it's all really emotionally draining and upsetting and disappointing... for the judges.
A seventeen-year-old from New Jersey -- not the urban part but the blueberry capital of Hammonton -- seems eager to become this season's Skylar Laine by hopping on her four-wheeler and tearing around the farm for the cameras. This is Sarah Restuccio, who sings a Carrie Underwood song well enough to satisfy the judges although they're not exactly speechless. Randy asks for another song, so she does Nicki's own "Superbass," which Nicki gamely joins in on. Randy's head explodes, of course. Now Randy and Keith don't know what to think, because if someone doesn't stick to one genre on this show they're finished, do you hear me, FINISHED! Oh shut up, you two; if Nicki Minaj is in the room and you can nail "Superbass," you nail "Superbass." I don't even care what room it is, whether it's the American Idol auditions, a cocktail party or just some windowless TSA back room at the airport. Nicki makes a passionate case for Sarah and talks them all into saying yes. Normally the judges don't start trying to stuff people into their little boxes until at least Hollywood, do they?
At 2:30, the judges venture out to the holding room to greet the contestants. Albert Chang, from Queens, 25, has no idea who they are. He's a medical receptionist, a calling in which his heavy accent is almost certainly invaluable. He presents himself before the judges to sing "Phantom of the Opera." It's already bad enough from the outset, but then he unaccountably goes into a piercing higher register that puts the "fall" in "falsetto." Nicki favorably compares his range to Mariah's. Randy says no, and Nicki for some reason switches to a posh British accent for her rejection, which she apparently keeps doing all day, in a montage that features crown-wipes. One grows weary of it in a trice.
Fortunately for the contestant, she's nearly deaf. Angela Miller talks about having 40% hearing loss in one ear and 20% in the other. However, she's 0% tone-deaf, as demonstrated by her versions of "Mama Knows Best" by Jessie J. She's their favorite of the day and Mariah especially likes her tone. She's off to Hollywood, and Ryan even scores a hug from her mom outside the audition room. Everybody wins! Except Angela Miller's mom.
Coming back, we join a guy in mid-audition who gets cheers from the judges as Ryan describes him as having one of their best voices ever. You'll notice that it seems too bright and overexposed, because it turns out to be just a dream! The dozing hopeful is a tall, skinny guy named Brett Holt who has auditioned seven times. He claims to be an American Idol trivia expert and dares Ryan to ask him anything. Ryan obliges with a series of questions that I do better on, and I know nothing about this show. In front of the judges, Brett sings "When I Fall in Love" The judges break into applause! But it's only another dream, because in reality he sucks. They cut him loose. The dream is over.
After night falls, we meet a Sikh named Gurpreet Singh Sarin, who apparently coordinates his turbans with his outfits (lavender today). He claims to have the nickname "The Turbanator," which is all the encouragement the editors need to cast Gurpreet in a half-assed fake movie-trailer bit. His voice turns out to be in the jazzy, laid-back Jason Mraz mold. Randy asks him to sing some Indian stuff too, because the dude's wearing a turban, after all. Nicki and Keith think his voice is a little light, but Mariah and Randy give him a yes. Keith isn't persuaded, so it's up to Nicki. Desperate to close the deal, Gurpreet claims to own a turban that's the same marigold color that Nicki's hair is today and that seems to clinch it. He celebrates while the editors make his turban change colors. And then he comes out of the room producing the golden ticket from where he stashed it in his turban. The man knows what his hook is.
Let's wrap up tonight with Ashley Feliciano, who's here with a rather large, demographically diverse family. Apparently her parents are serial adopters, and she gives a tearful interview about how much she loves her parents. I think she's just lonely with nobody else in the room, but only a camera and sound crew. She sings "Put Your Records On" for the judges and does fine without blowing anyone away, much like the original artist. Nicki is inspired, Mariah calls it "nice," Keith compliments her "nasal tone" and Randy asks for the whole family to be brought in. Enter the support system, which looks like a smaller group in this bigger room. In their living room, they seemed a lot more like several dozen. Ryan joins them and stands to Ashley and the family while she gets her unanimous yes vote. Oh, and I was wrong, Nicki says Ashley blew her away. As Ryan tells us that 41 New Yorkers are proceeding to Hollywood, the judges do a post-mortem about how well it all went. For them. Because it's all about the judges.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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