We're welcomed to the show not by Ryan Seacrest, but by commander Dan Burbank, who greets us from inside the International Space Station 250 miles above the earth. Then we cut down to an overhead shot of Ryan, giving his own welcome speech from the midst of a very well-behaved crowd of 10,000 wannabes. Is NASA getting paid to put an astronaut on American Idol, or are they paying Fox for product placement? And which of those two things would upset me more?
After the titles, Ryan tells us this is the show's ninth trip to Texas, counting the first year when they went to Dallas and found some chick named Kelly Clarkson. But that was almost a decade ago, and today there's a whole new crowd in Galveston. One of whom has a giant sign reading "PICK ME" with a photo of a nose. That's more apt than he may realize. The first guy we meet tonight is Phong Vu, who's very excited about his remarkable ability to identify Steven Tyler from ten yards away. A lesser man would have assumed that camera crews were interviewing a clearance rack full of scarves that walked over from T.J. Maxx. Phong's pre-audition interview is deluded and emotional and he thinks he's going to be the American Idol, even though we know he's not before he even sings. "God is on my side, I know it," he says before trying to open the wrong door into the audition room. Once inside, he stands awkwardly in what he thinks is a "powerful movement" and converses with the judges almost entirely in malapropisms. I think they're just stalling, but eventually he starts singing "Unbreak My Heart," and they let him go on quite a bit longer than was actually necessary. After finishing, he goes on talking emotionally until Randy finally asks, "What is this show?" Like he hasn't been here longer than anyone. In the end, Phong is sent out without a Golden Ticket, even after showing off his "Iconic Move" (which consists of holding his forearms horizontally in front of and behind himself) Outside the door, his outpouring of emotion has much less effect on Ryan than does the very sweaty hand he puts on Ryan arm. Anyway, Phong vows to be back year. Sure they'll let him back in with the judges.
Coming back, Ryan goes on about rugged cowboys as an intro to a lisping, high-voiced singer inflicting his delicacy on the judges, then a much more fabulous dude singing the Pointer Sisters, and not one but two guys in cowboy hats who sing the same song from the napes of their necks.
That out of the way, we meet a real outdoorsy type: Skylar Laine, a 17-year-old girl from rural Mississippi, who we see mud-riding and deer-hunting. Even her bedroom recalls that line from Gaston's song in Beauty and the Beast: "I use antlers in all of my decorating!" She works in her family's 70-year-old, totally anachronistic grocery store/restaurant, and now she hopes to help out the store with American Idol money. In the audition room, she belts out "Hell on Heels," and does quite well. Randy makes Steven say yes three times, and after a pause, he and Jennifer make it unanimous. Skylar's thrilled, but she's also got a friend outside who loves Steven Tyler and would love to give him a hug. Sure Steven's up for that, although not literally, because the girl towers over him. Seriously, where are they finding all these young girls who dig Steven Tyler? Is this a representative sample, or are they just showing every single one who does?
Montage of contestants practicing, packing, and prepping for their auditions. One of them is Bailey Brown, who last auditioned five years ago, when she was sixteen and I was still recapping Rome. We flash back to her audition in San Antonio, then going to Hollywood, getting thrown into a group round with a pair of Jersey girls, forgetting the words, and getting sent home. But now she's back, presumably with more maturity and a better memory. She sings well enough to get three unreserved yeses, including Randy's statement that she's gotten a lot better. Is it weird that he has such clear memories of a 16-year-old from five years ago?
is Kristine Osorio, who, according to Ryan, is taking her last chance to change her life. Yes, she's 28, so if this doesn't fly, she's trapped in her miserable existence with her three kids and divorce and no steady job and a loan she took out to pay a lawyer but used to buy a plane ticket instead. From Amarillo. Maybe she should have bought a globe. Lucky for her, she sounds great singing the first verse of an Adele song and gets three yeses to go to Hollywood. Time to get another loan.
Halfway through the day, there's finally a split developing at the judges; table. A blonde named Rachel Turner shouts a song that earns nos from Randy and Steven, to Jennifer's obvious dismay. A chick named Reagan Wilson croons "At Last" and gets a similar reaction from the judges. Same with Cheyenne James, who sounds very good but isn't hot, so the judges are split again. Jennifer thinks the guys are crazy, and they end up bickering in front of the poor girl. Then Jennifer cringes at an oversinger named Linda Williams, but Randy and Steven overrule her, for reasons that may have more to do with Linda's short skirt than anything else. Jennifer continues arguing with them while the makeup people swarm over them. I suspect Jennifer is not used to not getting her way.
We come back to a whole replay of Jennifer's meltdown, so Ryan takes it upon himself to find someone in the holding room the judges can agree on. Who he finds is Alejandro Cazares, a tubby, ponytailed Shrek-looking dude who's picking his teeth with his fingers. He starts talking about this being the first day of the revolution, whatever that means. Oh, he means himself. He's the revolution. Which is odd, because I don't recall seeing him in any '80s-era Prince videos. Back in the audition room, Steven and Jennifer are trying to patch things up when Alejandro charges in and says, "Grant me the power to bring revolution to the world!" He describes an idyllic world where an artist like Lady Gaga can be a platinum seller and a man like Barack Obama can be president. Get your head out the clouds, buddy. He also says his "girlfriend" wouldn't even wish him luck because she doesn't believe in him. Smart girl; his rendition of a Paramore song features an unmusical voice, and high-school speech hand gestures. The judges are not impressed, and even when he begs them, they're unmoved. Steven tells him not yet, and Randy tells him never, although Jennifer wavers when he offers to sing in Spanish. Finally a huge bouncer bum-rushes him out, but Alejandro departs unbowed. "The revolution is not over. Not until I say it's over!" And then he politely steps out of the shot.
1 2 3 4
We're getting start on day two pretty late in the episode, and the guy we meet, Cortez Shaw, looks like a young Blair Underwood, who was woken up by a video camera at 4:45 AM. He tells us the story of growing up in a single-parent home and two years of homelessness, and wraps it up with a lot of inspiration al twaddle. Then he goes in and sings an up-tempo version of Adele's "Someone Like You." Which, yes, is an absolutely terrible idea, but his voice sounds good. Jennifer stops Randy from gonging him early on, but Randy wants to hear something else from him. Cortez seems to win him over, though, by claiming Randy is his favorite judge. Without making him sing again, Jennifer says yes, Steven agrees, and Randy pretends to waver before making it unanimous. Cortez will see the Pacific after all, just like his explorer namesake. Yes, I know it was Balboa. Shut up.
We come back form the last break for some quick glances at some very confident people we'll never see again. The contestant we meet is Julie Shuman, who shrilly hollers Adele's "Rolling in the Deep," though not quite loudly enough to drown out he creaking of her leather pants while she writhes madly on the oval. Vanessa Hernandez sings "Heard it Through the Grapevine" in a bad falsetto. Erin "Nire" Kettl, a dude from Beaumont, Texas, doesn't exactly unbreak what Phong did to "Unbreak My Heart" earlier. Randy just cracks up so badly the guy's sent out without even a vote. Ryan comes in and tries to talk to Steven, who only babbles at him through a mouthful of food and then wipes his mouth on Ryan's tie. I just joined Team Steven.
Finally, here's Ramiro Garcia, who looks like a cleaner, Latino version of The X Factor's Josh Krajcik. And if you've been waiting for the ultimate American Idol sob story, Ramiro was no-shit BORN WITHOUT EARS. His parents were told he would always be deaf and mute, but after rounds of surgery the doctors discovered some eardrums in there, and went to work fixing him up. And now here he is, auditioning for American Idol. He sings a soulful version of "Amazing Grace" while Ryan fakes empathy with his supportive family outside the audition room door. The judges like him, and he comes out to his family (whom Ryan is shamelessly coaxing some tears out of) waving his Golden Ticket. That makes him one of 55 people from the Galveston auditions who are going on to Hollywood, so they're done with auditions... in Texas. Aw, man. Ryan gets accidentally punched in the eye by a winning contestant's happy mom, and I actually feel pretty good about that. week: Portland, and if Fred Armisen isn't one of the auditioners, I'm going to be very disappointed.
1 2 3 4
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
1 2 3 4