Ryan gives us a quick tour through some American Idol audition venues of the past -- which of course ends up looking more like a history of Ryan's hair -- before ending up in tonight's location: the mountains of Colorado. "This is American Idol," he announces. What the hell else would it be?
After the opening titles, Ryan likens the show's trip to Aspen to a vacation in the family truckster. The altitude is having an effect on Steven's head, but not his wit: "Does anybody have an Aspen?" Jennifer says this is their first chilly city, Randy voices some vaguely worded hopes, and Ryan crashes a golf cart into a garage. That segues into Ryan rhapsodizing about the quiet, peaceful surroundings, which we just know is a setup for the first contestant to be loud as shit.
Sure enough, here's Jenni Schick, a hyperactive grade-school music teacher whose thigh-high boots somehow stop a couple feet short of her skirt's hem. She's a little intimidated (though not at all calmed) by the thought of meeting Steven Tyler, who is on her shortlist of people she and her boyfriend are allowed to kiss. Turns out the boyfriend's list includes Ryan, which freaks him out so much he won't even kiss the girlfriend of a guy who isn't even here. He sends her on in, where Steven uses the line "Holy Schick" at his first opportunity (or actually before). Jenni explains to Steven about the list, but she's starting to get on their nerves, so they tell her to just sing already. She does "Heartbreaker" by Pat Benatar, and although she's a little rough, she gets three yeses and a kiss from Steven. "Wait 'til your students hear about this," Ryan says. On her way out with her mom, Jenni can only talk about Steven's soft lips. Of course they're soft, he's, like, a million.
We come back to a montage of Blair Witch contestant-cams from people who woke up at the buttcrack of dawn to get to the auditions. One of these is a shaggy guy named Curtis Gray, who's rather more bushy-tailed at 10:45 than he was at 6 AM. He also tells is that he sings and plays keyboard in a band, and he's hoping his voice lessons will pay off today. He goes into the audition room and croons a Boys II Men song. Randy gives him a yes almost immediately, and with agreement from Jennifer and Steven, Curtis is off to Hollywood. That was easy. He apparently kicks off a run of good'uns, like 19-year-old country baritone Richie Law (whose face looks like it was Photoshopped onto that voice), soul singer Devan Jones and Mathenee Trego, who sings "Hey Jude" complete with the na na nas. And all three of them are going to Hollywood. Also, they're all dudes, in case that wasn't clear from their first names.
is a bespectacled blonde named Tealana Hedgespeth. She has a taller, non-identical, more talented twin sister named Stevie L. (what the hell is wrong with these girls' parents?), who's going to a performing arts school, and Tealana feels like she's been living in her sister's shadow her whole live. But since Tealana is more outgoing, she figures this is her thing. Going into the audition room, she introduces herself and invites Randy to call her "Dawg" in a totally rehearsed and fake-ass way. She does a version of "Bring Me Some Water" by Melissa Etheridge that sounds like what happens when karaoke performers sing the words as they come up on the screen, and also miss most of the notes. Jennifer quietly threatens to kill Steven if he asks her for another song. Of course Steven threatens to do just that. When she's done, Steven advises her to record her voice and listen to it, "Because then you'll hear what we're hearing." They send her on her way empty-handed, but then Tealana attempts a duet with her twin sister. That is, until Tealana she decides it's not working for her. Oh, man, Stevie L.'s got her hands full.
Haley Smith is 18 years old, lives in a log cabin, and tells us, "I love nature!" We see her and her ponytailed boyfriend taking nature walks. Don't know where she found the time, since she's also a house cleaner, a busser at a restaurant and a vegetarian working in the meat department. Ryan ushers her into the audition room, wishing her luck in finding yet another job as a singer. Or if that fails, maybe an Emo Phillips impersonator, given what her speaking voice sounds like. Fortunately, her singing voice turns out to be rather stronger. She sings "Tell Me Something Good," hippie-style. They all like her, and Steven even says that he's honored to be there listening to her voice. Wow, dial it back, Steve. Needless to say she's going to Hollywood. And then she'll have to come back and find three new jobs in a month or two.
After an allegedly wacky bit about Steven taking more time at lunch than the other judges, we catch up with Alanna Snare, a 22-year-old Coloradan with a mom haircut who serves Rocky Mountain Oysters at the bar where she works. That leads into a whole conversation with the judges about the various testicles she serves before she attempts "Jolene." She's not good at all, with the editors rather meanly augment with the sound of bulls whose oysters are being harvested. After she goes through several different keys, they tell her that as much as they like her as a person, singing is not her thing. Back to the balls, Cinderella.
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is Shelby Tweten from Mankato, Minnesota. We get to see her talking to the judges before learning her backstory, which includes struggles with bipolar disorder and depression. But now, thanks to her dream of going on American Idol, she's back on her meds and all better. Then she sings a really depressing song in a voice the judges all love. She's going to Hollywood, and the judges talk excitedly about her musical potential. And not the potential that she'll have an emotional breakdown in Hollywood, because I'm totally sure none of them are even thinking about that..
After a brief run of shouty weirdoes, we meet Jairon Jackson, who came all the way from Denver. He's planning to sing an original song of his own, against the advice of his support network. He's a little rough-looking, but his song and his voice both turn out to be rather pretty. All the judges seem to dig him, and Jennifer observes not once but twice that he's a lover, whatever she means by that. Three yeses for Jairon to go to Hollywood. But there's the question of whether he can get there safely; he's so celebratory that he fails to high-five Ryan, falls down, rips his Golden Ticket when meeting back up with this family waiting outside and accidentally punches out a light fixture in the building's overhanging exit. I know I wouldn't want to get on a plane with him.
I love this ad that suggests we're all just the right brand of razor away from having Jennifer Lopez's legs.
Up is Angie Zeiderman, a purple-haired Goth chick in a floral minidress who not only compares herself to Lady Gaga but wants to be her best friend. She does a whole burlesque number in a German accent. I don't think she has much of a chance, but the judges get bogged down arguing with each other anyway when Randy says show tunes turn him off and Jennifer argues that not many people could do what Angie just did (not that that makes it worthwhile to do). They're about to kick her out, but then she busts out with a completely straight version of "Blue Bayou" that makes them literally sit up and take notice. She pulled it out, and she's going to Hollywood with three yeses. But after she leaves the room, Randy still wants to bitch about musicals some more.
Time left for one last freakshow in Aspen. A bunch of hopefuls are having a dance party in the holding room, but as Ryan says, "Every party has a pooper." That must be the scary looking dude with the sunglasses and the flavor-saver and the long black hair and a bandanna around his head that reads MAGIC. In a fake British accent, he informs us that his name is Magic Cyclops and he's from Davenport Iowa, whence he fled as a result of bad gambling debts. " He claims to be the proud owner of eleven thousand air guitars, and we see some clips of him playing them. Audition time: "I am not ready at all, but that's when I do some of my most dangerous work," he says. That actually makes sense. Randy asks his name and age, and Magic Cyclops tells him, "It's not polite to ask a lady her age." He claims that his Iowa accent comes from growing up poor with nothing but PBS channels with their BBC programming, which is clever enough to totally crack Jennifer up. As for what he's going to sing, he offers them judges' choice: Neil Diamond or "James Buffet," which he pronounces like a dinner line. Randy is already over this dude, but he sits politely through Magic's rendition of "Cracklin' Rose," which is not as horrible as expected. He's nearly on pitch, at least. Jennifer annoys Randy by asking Magic to sing something else. Sure enough, he goes into "Margaritaville," which is rather more horrible. Randy gets up to excuse himself to the bathroom, and Magic first invites himself along, then drops to one knee in a move that detonates a confetti pyro charge stuffed down in the back of his pants. Jennifer and Steven chorus a no while Randy heads on out, and Steven walks Magic out of the room as Magic claims to have no idea what just happened. He walks away with a request to play the theme from The Incredible Hulk, and the editors oblige as he drags his blue plastic shopping bag out to the parking lot to start hitchhiking, Bill Bixby style. Come on, I've seen worse singers than that clown get through, and he's a hell of a lot funnier than Steven.
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Ryan tells us that 31 singers from the Aspen auditions made it to Hollywood, and Randy makes a prediction to Ryan: "It's gonna be a hot season, man." Likw he'd say otherwise if it weren't. Tomorrow night: Houston, and it looks like it might get weird.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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