Don't Raise Your Eye

Tuesday

So, let's just get all our cards out on the table. I know Melissa and Kinnik are going home on Thursday. So do you, so do they, and so do the judges. Conveniently, everything on the show is neatly plotted out so it all unfolds according to plan. You could called it "fixed," I'll just call it "more carefully plotted than 24, at least." Anyway, in order for this fait to become accompli, the following went down:

Kinnik performs Alicia Keys, because she's all out of ideas, and Melissa performs Heart's "What About Love?" because she's able to read my mind. Kinnik keeps my interest for as long as she can with boring-ass Alicia, but is summarily judged as "too sharp," and Kinnik even goes so far as to agree with the assessment, that's how much everyone is on the same page. Melissa gives the latest in what has become a long line of energetic and fun Heart performances, and while the voice isn't 100% there, the "well, you're finished" critique from Simon comes across as much completely fabricated as it is utterly true.

Paris and Lisa are both coming off of "stop acting like such an old lady" criticisms. Paris responds by singing a song that would be dubbed "enthusiastic and spicy." By your grandma. Two steps forward, one step back, my dear. Oh, the song is "Conga," by the Miami Sound Machine. So, yeah, you're with me now. Lisa, for her part, sings the song from Camp, which is awesome, except for the fact that it's the same exact song she's sung for three weeks now. So she ignored the judges completely, but she actually is on her fourth or fifth go-round on this mortal coil, so it all fits her rather perfectly. Katharine -- who is neither leaving the show nor pregnant -- white-girl-shimmies her way through Aretha's "Think," and the judges take their dry white toast and their four fried chickens and love it very much. Ayla sings a brand new Natasha Bedingfield song, that maybe was released this morning for all I've actually heard of it. She's noticeably not as good as in weeks, and moving around a whole lot makes me wish she had a basketball to dribble so she wouldn't look go gangly. But she pulls it together by the end, and the judges now like her enough to lie just a little bit for her, and that's a nice development, I think.

Mandisa is the best thing going for the third week in a row, and the judges finally cast off all reservations and fall at her feet. As they should. She managed to make "I'm Every Woman" sound like you hadn't heard it a million times before. Kellie Pickler is dressed like she's out to start a bar fight, like where guys break bottles over each other's heads in order to impress her. She sings "I'm the Only One," and completely busts up the dark cloud hanging over Etheridge on this show. It's the first time I've enjoyed her singing since auditions, and even without grading on a curve, it's just a legitimately good performance. Then Simon gets creepy, and Kellie's vocab fails her some more, and Ryan has more fun with her than he has with anyone else, and we're done.

Tomorrow, it's the final eight guys, and Jacob will be…wait, Jacob will be writing about Battlestar or having a laugh at me from several states away, because I'm dealing with this whole endless week on my own.

Wednesday

Things are going terribly wrong on the men's side of the competition right now, and I'm sure I am not going to like how this shakes out on Thursday.

Gedeon sings the public domain classic "When a Man Loves a Woman," and is good, and the judges don't have any serious issues with it. He hasn't messed up since "Shout," so I don't think he'll be in too much danger of leaving. He also gives the most Trump-tastic pre-song interview yet, so that was fun. Chris sings "Broken" by Seether, a song I didn't realize I knew until about halfway through, mostly because I think it's an Evanescence song. Not as good as his two performances, but there's no other guy I'd rather listen to on a consistent basis. The judges basically have to cool him down after the hotness that was last week, and they do, but not unfairly.

Kevin is still adorable to me, but it's also crazy painful to see him still around. He brings his lisp to bear on maybe the worst song possible for it, "Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)" He sings it decently, and also like an Irish tenor. Like a friend of my grandfather's. I love the kid, but this really has to stop. There are two of Bucky, mostly because I think his DNA decided to run away from itself but couldn't get far. He sings a song I have never heard and don't really care to. He is completely and utterly not impressive, as always. Not bad, but nothing particularly good about it.

Will officially takes the mantle from Fedorov as he makes yet another dunderheaded song choice. "How Sweet It Is"? Is he kidding? He's not kidding. He is boring, however. He's also going to be eliminated from this competition, which means I'm going to be pissed. Can't say he didn't earn it, but damn I am going to miss him. Taylor talks about meeting Christopher Cross (!) and dresses up as the goddamn Easter Bunny. Okay? Does it even matter after that? He sings "Taking It to the Streets," by Paul Rudd's tormentor, and he brings the entire bag of bullshit to bear, and it doesn't ever end, and it's a wonderfully accurate Michael McDonald impersonation. But I'm starting to wonder who this Taylor would actually be if you stripped away the affectations and tics. Which is totally dumb, because replace "Taylor" with "Constantine" in that sentence, and you'll get your answer damn quick.

Elliott has a bum ear and still looks, I am pained to report, sort of disconcerting. He sings the classic wuss rock tune "Heaven," by Bryan Adams, which I totally read as a pre-emptive strike against Ace so he can't use it in the future. It's probably not true, but it's more interesting to think about than Elliott's performance, which is nice but boring. Simon pretty accurately pegs it as out of Elliott's comfort zone. Finally, Ace sings some Michael Jackson tune or another, and he's in falsetto for a full half of it, and it is horrific. He pulls out of the tailspin enough to toss some of his whispery shit in there, which salvages it somewhat. But, my God, I think the screeching may haunt the dreams of our children's children. I'm talking all of humanity. The collective unconscious took a turn for the worse on Wednesday.

Tomorrow: Kevin, Will, Kinnik, and Melissa are my best guesses. Though I won't rule out shenanigans on either side of the gender line. And they're going to group sing something by Fleetwood Mac, if the past two weeks are any indication. "Go Your Own Way" if we're lucky. "Don't Stop" if we're not.

Thursday

Bo Bice's hair is so shiny! Was it always like that? He starts us off by singing what I can only assume is a hidden bonus track from one of Train's albums, but apparently it's also the title track from his album. He sounds, if you will permit a bit of blasphemy, like total ass, and you just know Simon is itching to make some bitchy comment or another. More's the pity that he doesn't.

The first women's elimination doesn't even come down to two. It's just, Lisa: safe; Melissa: safe; Ayla: safe; Kinnik: not safe. Kinnik, of course, saw it coming and is a total pro about it, and she's just wonderful, even if I don't think it's all that tragic that she got eliminated now. The first elimination for the guys goes down similarly. Kevin: safe; Gedeon: safe; Bucky: safe; Elliot: safe; Will: not safe. Booo! Bah, it was sort of obvious and all, but it would have been a whole lot easier to swallow if Kevin wasn't right there as a shining example of totally worse.

With the set of eliminations, we're also simultaneously naming the twelve finalists. This means we get to see Paris celebrate and act like a total child, and it's Taylor-level not pretty. We also see Katharine, Kellie, Mandisa, and Lisa atop the coveted moon café stools. The last spot comes down to Ayla -- who was great for the first two weeks and very not great this week -- and Melissa, who got savaged by Simon but trolloped it up like a champ, not to mention sang a song we've possibly heard before. Heartbreakingly, it's Ayla who's going home, putting Melissa in the finals. Ayla cries, y'all. She cries a lot. And given how much I liked her, this is sad. Her sing-out is one giant sports-and-life metaphor, which should be fun to delve into.

The male finalists get named , with Taylor leading us off, and I want to punch him in the face so bad. So bad. Also in, among the unpunchables: Ace, Chris, and Elliott. up as a finalist is Kevin, which totally figures, and it means bad, bad things to come, and he nearly racks himself jumping off the stage. Oh, and also, the rule is that if you make the finals and you're a guy, you must run full-speed at Ace and Jack Twist him into the hardest hug you've ever given. It's awesome. The last spot comes down to Gedeon -- good singer, Rebecca levels of creepy as a public speaker -- and Bucky -- uninspiring, "authentic" petri dish. It's Bucky who gets to stay, sending Gedeon home to freak people out on his own time.

week: This show hates me so bad, because it's a Stevie Wonder theme. As if there are even any Stevie Wonder songs left at this point. But that's Jacob's problem, now, isn't it?

Tuesday

Ryan is dressed like Brandon Flowers after a long day at the office, as we lay our scene. Honestly, I wonder how long he had to stand in front of the mirror to get the tie loosened just right. However long it took, it was worth it. (Jacob: "Feel free to mention that I think he looks like a Paula Deen dish sizzling in very fatty butter.") Everybody's hair is different! Paris went curly, Lisa went straight, Melissa went for an entire can of mousse, Ayla has that bouffant poof on the top of her head that Paula so unfortunately opted for a couple weeks ago, and Kellie's hair is notably not all in her face like she just crawled out of a briar patch. Eight women left. Two of them will be going home. THIS is American Idol.

We're LIVE tonight, not that I think it makes a difference. Ryan mentions the Oscars, because you know he's as pissed about Brokeback Mountain losing as I am. We rehash last week and get still photos of Brenna, David, Heather, and Sway. I love the stills, like they're actually dead. Maybe include little "January - March 2006" captions. The women are all lined up on the staircase, Von Trapp-style, and Ryan gives them a "what's up?" before mentioning that two of them will be leaving by Thursday. Ryan: "Way to start with an awkward moment." Ryan, I don't care how handsomely you're dressed, it's still not cool to have witty little conversations with yourself. Now is the time on AI when we dance our way past the camera: Paris, dressed in turquoise and many sparkly things, is enthusiastic as always, and if we're still going with the "pick a Huxtable" visual motif from the last two weeks, she's now graduated to "Cousin Pam." You can actually see Lisa flip the switch to "on" as she approaches the camera. Melissa looks heroically trashy, and at this point I'm loving her for it. Ten years ago, she'd have been played by Amy Locane. Kinnik still looks like she's singing at a shit-kicker bar, even if she has lost the cowboy hat. Kat McPhee looks amazing and does a double-hand wave I find oddly endearing. Ayla still smiles dorkily and I wonder if, between her shoes and her hair, she wants to appear nine feet tall. Mandisa is wearing this lovely macraméd poncho number, and she makes what seem to be secret hand gestures to Jesus, even though I'm pretty sure he's busy making sure Carrie Underwood gets home safe. Kellie Pickler is dressed like Buffy on a patrol night, and it took me a looong while to make that connection, but I'm so glad I did, because it explains most of my reactions to her tonight.

In the Dawg Pound, Will and Kevin jockey for her attention, even though that's yet another battle Kevin can't win. As we've discussed. Randy hates the song with a fiery passion, because apparently it doesn't reach the melodic heights of Alicia effing Keys, but he tries to mask it. He actually says he hopes she comes out and sings a ballad time -- which is the complete opposite of what they all told her last week, and I can't stand that crap -- but overall he says he liked the performance. Paula is at least on the ball (I know) and says she prefers Paris singing up-tempo. She's talking to Paris like she's trying to find a bright side, which is odd, because I thought she sang very well. Paula says the song is very difficult to sing, and that Paris made some "interesting" melodic choices that "captured my attention." This is the kind of stuff you'd say to Ryan Hart if you were looking to spare his feelings. "That raptor screeching was…interesting." The maddening part is that Paula's insistence on trying to be "the nice one" is keeping her from actually explaining what she clearly didn't like about the performance. Simon is happy Paris opted for a "younger" song, and he thinks she definitely made the right call there. Vocally, Simon says she was "okay," but she's bubbly and energetic and people love her, so she'll be back week. This is just the first of many times that Simon will essentially advance the opinion that nothing that actually happens tonight matters, because Melissa and Kinnik are obviously going home. Paris and Ryan cute it up about how she told the other girls that if she was going out, she'd go out dancing. She's so not going out.Lisa thinks America would be surprised to learn that she loved Jimi Hendrix. Not really, since I now firmly believe that she has been reincarnated several times, or else has perhaps experienced a Groundhog Day scenario where she spent years and years learning things like singing and Broadway musicals and electric guitar. Point being: I think Lisa was actually at Woodstock, singing all the songs from Hair. Dudes, she looks so weird playing guitar, like it's a visual effect and neither she, the guitar, nor the music are in the same room as each other. Lisa will be singing "Here's Where I Stand," which was sung by Tiffany Taylor in the movie Camp. Two things, right off the bat: a) Camp is a big ol' mess of a movie, but I really like it and I don't entirely know why; b) this song is lovely and a little boring, and functions in the context of the film to tell you exactly what is going on in the movie at that very second. Lisa also got the "quit acting like an old lady" talk from the judges last week, which is what makes this song choice so hilarious. I love the Lisa mental math: "Hmm, I've sung songs that are both Broadway and boring, and the judges want me to go younger, and all those kids in Camp were really young, so I'll just sing the obvious Broadway knockoff from that. Perfect. It'll be just like that time I sang for Kublai Khan!"

As always, Lisa is an excellent singer, if a tiny bit boring. I just enjoy listening to her. With the newly-straightened hair, she really does look like Aaliyah. She's very impressive, but very much the same as she's been doing for the last two weeks, and I worry if maybe Lisa won't be able to step out of this box she's created for herself. Randy and his still-present diamond wrist corsage both say they enjoyed the guitar-playing footage more than the actual song. "Still a little bit older," he says. He also tells her in order to really "slay it," she needs to do more runs. I hate that advice. Singing runs all over the place is not more important than actually singing the song you're supposed to sing, and when the runs are coming from a place of desperation, it shows. Don't do that stuff, Lisa. Paula talks a bunch about Lisa's poise, but she also wishes Lisa would have sung a song "that we could get into." Translation: that we had ever heard before. Paula does say that at sixteen, Lisa has the "whole package," although I wonder how we could even know that given what a limited range of songs she's given us. Simon's comments are almost like an afterthought. "We think you're super-talented, but you're singing songs which sound like your mum's choosing them at the moment. They're not believable for you, because of who you are." He says it like he's bored by giving advice that isn't going to start making a difference until the finals anyway. Lisa's parents are again in the audience and are again wonderfully attractive. I do disagree with Simon that the songs are somehow wrong for Lisa, because I think that's exactly who she is: impossibly mature, already grown up, Broadway obsessed, and pleasant if not wildly exciting. It's totally valid that they want her to step out of that box, and she does need to, but it's not because the songs don't suit her. It's that they're suiting her too well. Simon says -- for the third week in a row, I think -- that Lisa will "sail through" to the round. Way to make the voters complacent, Simon. I'm not sure what the advantage is to say for three straight weeks that we don't need to worry, because Lisa will be around week, even if she wasn't all that great. Simon says himself that the judges want her to stick around, so why not give the voters a bit of urgency? Ryan gets Lisa to admit that she chose the song because the words are all about her, which: for real, they are. He also remembers to tell us how likeable she is, except it sounds fake and maybe a bit mocking coming out of Ryan. Or maybe it's just that Ryan can't manage to sound authentic unless he's telling the judges off for acting like infants.Melissa's super-duper-insane hush-hush secret? She loves cars. Fast ones. Melissa, we know. If anyone is the Tawny-Kitaen-in-the-Whitesnake-video of this competition, it is you, my dear. So, before we get into the song, I have to set things up for you, image-wise. From the feet up: acid-washed denim, shredded in symmetrical horizontal rips all the way up the legs, studded belt, exposed navel, short-sleeved leather jacket top buttoned tight just below her tin foil sports bra. Black leather wrist band with silver dangly things on it, one of which is a cross. The hair? "Moussed with brush strokes on the side like Alison from Melrose Place" (per Jacob). ["I believe I was mostly incensed about the fact that she had sweat through it so thoroughly that it fell like a soufflé." -- Jacob] It is perhaps the trashiest look we've seen on this show, ever, and this show has seen Mikalah and Kim Caldwell in all their iterations. But somehow, I kind of love Melissa for it, and maybe it's just the Heart that's winning me over. Oh yeah, she's decided to sing Heart's "What About Love?" True story: on Monday, I'm browsing through the iPod and of course I've got a bunch of Heart songs, because they're great, and I'm thinking about how Heart has done well for people like Carrie and Mandisa, and my specific thought is: "Someone should really make a go of 'What About Love?'" Less than a day later: Melissa. Freaky, you guys. Honestly, though, they're the perfect band to cover for this show, because it's power pop with a lot of showy vocals. And it forces the backup singers to show up large, so there's something of a cushion, if you need it. Mandisa didn't so much need it. Melissa does, to an extent. She flubs a lyric early, but she puts a ton of energy into it, and the raspy voice and trashy look all play into it nicely. She's pretty strong at the beginning, but it's soon apparent that she doesn't have the pipes to carry the bigger notes. The backup singers cover for it, for the most part. Lots of stompy moving around by Melissa. She duffs the big note at the end pretty significantly.

Kinnik's deep dark secret is that she enjoys chitlins from time to time. She reminds the viewing audience that, yes, chitlins are indeed pig intestines. "I know it sounds gross, but that's okay, if you don't like 'em, that's more for me." She only eats them about once a year, so she will fight you over them. Kinnik seems like a completely delightful person, doesn't she? I don't know how many of these women I'd be able to stand for very long, but Kinnik may be at the top of the list of people I could hang with. So why does she have to go and ruin it all by singing Alicia Keys? Why?? Okay, whatever, it's not that crucial. But Alicia falls into the Stevie Wonder category. Is it too much to ask for a little originality on this show? Kinnik is wearing a brown plaid top that looks left over from last week's cowgirl ensemble. Or perhaps from a "Sexy Farmer's Daughter" Halloween costume. Whatever, this song ("If I Ain't Got You") is so damn boring. I think Kinnik sounds fine enough singing it. I just don't think I could be very moved by it either way. Randy says she started off well, but got sharp around the middle and pretty much stayed there. Yeah, "sharp" is totally the new "pitchy." Personally, I didn't think she was all that sharp, but what do I know? Paula thinks it was sharp, too. And of course she also falls back on her standby "but you look fantastic" patronization. This was about where I realized just how tightly scripted this night was going to be. Kinnik is supposed to be leaving, and the judges are just falling right in line. Not that she was exceptional or anything, but when even Paula Abdul is like, "You're usually on pitch, I don't know what happened," you know there is something up.

Simon, because he doesn't want to make much of an effort when it doesn't matter anyway, says she just messed it up. He calls it "appalling." He brings up the "booked a plane ticket" thing again, correctly if without a ton of grace. Then Simon tells Kinnik, "At least you can have your…what do you call them, Chiclets?" Kinnik takes that with some good humor and says it's "chitlins." Ryan takes umbrage, though, and says Simon maybe has a little bit too much fun rubbing it in to the people going home. Which is residual from last week, but completely earned. Then, Kinnik tells Ryan -- volunteers it, even -- that she also thought she "went sharp and stayed there," so either she's falling on her sword in an attempt to look gracious, or I heard that song completely wrong and it was much worse than I thought. ["For the record, I agreed with Randy. She made a heroic effort to get it back on key but it didn't work." -- Sars] Ryan sees how Kinnik is performing hara-kiri right before our eyes, and tries to snap her out of it. He asks her, "How do we save you." Immediately she jolts awake and is like, "Voting! Voting is what can save me, wonderful and attractive home viewers!" She also says if she sticks around, "the only thing sharp will be my dressing." I really like her and will miss her personality, if not her singing. She actually waves goodbye as her phone numbers are being read, and it's more reflexive than self-pitying. Like if you played this back for her, she wouldn't have even remembered doing it. But somewhere in there she knows she's done.

Back from the break, Seacrest is explaining to everyone how the internet works, and if you go to the AI website, you can do things like "create your own blog, write your own bio…we do it at the Seacrest house." Again with the Ryan-at-home thoughts? Also, how hilarious would a Ryan Seacrest blog be? Something tells me he's a freak for memes, and also perhaps he photoblogs his cats. Then he asks if we have "the McPheever," which I really hope isn't catching, if you get my drift. Kat is an alum of the Boston Conservatory, just like everyone's favorite leer machine from last season. Katharine says the full name, "Constantine Maroulis," as if anyone watching this show doesn't refer to him as either "Effing Constantine" or "Constantine! Squee!" Even funnier is the clip they show of him. I can't remember what week it was, but remember when he had the halo of especially dirty hair, and lit from the back he looked Kip Winger's guardian angel? Hilarious. She says she probably got her "smoldering look" from the Conservatory, as if Constantine left anything behind there aside from VD. Also, Kat's "look" is still not "smoldering," no matter how vehemently the show wants to lie.

Katharine has chosen to sing Aretha Franklin's "Think." Hmm. You certainly don't need to look like Aretha in order to sing this song properly, but there's no denying that when you think "Kat McPhee," you're not thinking "powerful soul sister." Of course, you soon realize that when she really puts herself to it, Katharine has a very powerful voice. She's managed to answer her criticisms from last week by singing a song we've heard before, a song with a lot of energy, and a song that lets her show off her wonderful voice. And the performance is fun enough that it doesn't look like she's mentally checking off a list, either. Doing what the judges tell you to without looking like you're following a grocery list is a fine skill to have on this show. That being said, it's still not the most natural-sounding rendition. When Aretha sings it, you're not entirely paying attention to the words, because Aretha is right up in your face, all with the verbal exclamation points. "Think! Freedom!" Kat's not nearly as urgent. But she's a ton of fun, and she's gorgeous, and she commands the stage when she puts in the effort, and tonight, she's definitely putting in the effort.

When she's finished, she immediately reverts to spazzy, giggly Katharine, with the spinning and the not being remotely able to face the right direction. Randy and Kat both like the "McPheever" thing, and she swears she didn't make it up. I should hope not. Randy makes his first plea to the Dawg Pound tonight, and there is much hooting (theirs) and dancing (hers). We get a shot of "Katherine's" family, and if I have to remember how to spell her name correctly, the chyron folks could at least do the same. Her scary mom is not in attendance, and perhaps that's how things should stay. Paula says it's nice to see Kat have fun and cut loose, and in her own roundabout way makes the point that even when she cuts loose, Katharine still manages to keep control over her voice. Simon says "Think" was a risk that paid off, and she made it seem "effortless." I agree with that. Even if it wasn't a perfect performance, it did have an air of "Sing Aretha? Sure, what the hell" to it.

Randy says he loves how she "get[s] her hoop on," which is great if she's actually playing basketball and not if she's trying to be a singer at the moment. Belting out Celine Dion when trying to execute a pick-and-roll isn't advisable for similar reasons. He also says, getting to the point for the first time this evening, that it wasn't a good "singer's song," meaning it might be perfectly wonderful to listen to, but it doesn't do you any favors if you're trying to show off your range and ability. Paula returns to the "working hard" theme that's become Ayla's calling card. It's nice to say, and it's certainly applicable, but the end result is that you make Ayla's performances seem like she's punching a clock on her way to a steel plant. "Workmanlike" is maybe not the compliment Paula thinks it is. The best part is when Paula is blah-blah-ing about taking risks or whatever, and then she doesn't even skip a beat before transitioning into "How tall are you in those shoes?" Her synapses have actual bar sludge on them. As Ayla gets lost in how cool her new shoes are, Paula trails off about how many people in the studio Ayla could beat up. With your dulled reflexes, Paula? No, I don't think you could take her. Simon said the performance was "pretty good, actually," but he says he wishes he could see the youthful Ayla that's in her film clips on the stage more often. Eh. It certainly fits Simon's "Electric Youth" theme for the season, but for one thing, I didn't think Ayla seemed all that old-lady-ish tonight, and for another, I think Ayla is cool because she's able to hold it together better than most people her age. ["Word, but also, I think you just jinxed her all the way home, which sucks. This show hates people that actually know what they're doing." -- Jacob] And if she's that awkward moving around, why would you want to see more of it? Ryan jogs up to the stage and ribs Randy for hating on Natasha Bedingfield, and Randy says he saw her in the studio this week. Ryan: "Of course you did! He's working with her now!" That's hilarious, to think that this great career as a producer is perhaps all in Randy's head. Like "Mariah" is sitting to him right now, only you can't see her.Mandisa's big secret is a for-real big secret: she sucked her thumb until she was twenty-four. Twenty-four? That's…well past the age when you should not be doing that. Thumb-sucking is an indie movie quirk when you're seventeen. Thumb-sucking at twenty-four is a guest appearance on a David E. Kelley lawyer show. "God is good, honey," says Mandisa, "and I am a walking miracle, because my teeth should literally be protruding out your television screen." Mandisa is a great storyteller. Your head knows it's scripted, but she makes it sound like she just thought of something funny to tell you. She's singing "I'm Every Woman," and she throws some rhyming couplets at the beginning in order to hype the crowd. "I'm Every Woman" is not a boring song in and of itself, it's only boring because we've all heard it a million times. But it's not boring now, because Mandisa is just excellent. The best thing is that you knew she had to play the Chaka Khan card eventually, and after singing a rock song and a country song and having the judges be like, "Awesome, but we still think you can do better," she just figured she'd whip this out and be perfect. Paula swings an imaginary lasso in the air, she's that pleased. Randy calls it "the best vocal by a female this season." Then he says she set the benchmark, though I was one of the many who had to double-take and make sure he didn't say "bitch mark." Randy and Paula can barely speak, they're so enthusiastic. They're like a pair of Katharine McPhees right now. Simon tries to sow the seeds of drama, as he tells Mandisa all the other girls are going to hate her, because she blew them all away. "It was in a completely and utterly different league." And it was. Mandisa is cute and tells Ryan that she's sung that song to herself in the shower a million times. Ryan tries to riff on the shower theme, fumbling around what he wants to say, which is: "Your shower doesn't have a live studio audience and three judges with varying levels of awfulness." But what he actually says is: "Lot going on in that shower." You know how when you bite the inside of your cheek it swells a bit, which means you keep on biting it for a week and you want to die? Well, Ryan is you, and "making inadvertently inappropriate statements to contestants" is the inside of your cheek. He just can't make it stop happening again and again. Ryan: "Better acoustics in the shower." And as he sends us to commercial, he starts trying to explain it to Mandisa again. Dirty old man.

Kellie's secret is that she loves dogs. No, she loves dogs. Okay, not like that. But she has a dog named Comet, and Kellie tells us that he's a smart dog, but the footage tells us he's good for nothing. Won't chase a ball. Won't roll over. Won't track down her mom. At one point she throws a ball, the dog stays put (remember to line-item the animal tranquilizer in the budget, AI accountants), and she turns to the camera and shrugs, arms wide open like this is actually Hee-Haw. She's chosen to sing Melissa Etheridge's "I'm the Only One." Melissa's been the kiss of death lately, what with her cold deep-sixing of Patrick Hall. And wasn't "I'm the Only One" the point last year when the judges started telling Nadia she wasn't going to win? So, obviously Kellie isn't going anywhere anytime soon. But the real surprise is that Kellie is really good. I would not have pegged this as a good fit for her, but boy is it. There are few things more tiresome than the Madonna/whore dichotomy, but Kellie walks that line so perfectly. So, you know: Yay, feminism. But she really does look stellar. Again, dressed completely like Buffy: tight back jeans, black bodice top with these flyaway strips, like she would perhaps float away if she's not tied down to earth, hair blessedly out of her face. Thank God Stevie's not around anymore, because her pale ass would be sweatin' it. Come on, you know she's somebody's Queen of the Damned. Kellie's really putting her back into this. The body language is still slightly off, and at one point she just drops to her knees, which is egregious, but gets the job done. The song really does fit her vocal range, and there's no truly blown note. I don't want to judge her on the sliding scale the judges do, but I had all but written her off in terms of ability to bring it for an entire performance, but here she is. Nice work, Pick.Of course, the judging is Pickler's time to shine. Randy says he digs her because she has a dog. Lame. Kellie responds as she always does, which is with this wide-eyed gratefulness that these fine California city slickers would even talk to her at all. Randy says she's been "consistent" so far (that's one way of putting it, yes), but he doesn't seem to get that this week she made a big leap forward. Or else maybe he's just not willing to say that they've been shining her on up until this point because they know mad people are voting for her anyway, and they don't want to look out of synch. Paula's impressed with the sexy dancing, and Kellie says she's been practicing. Paula says guys -- particularly her own nephews -- are in love with Kellie, who remains confounded by each and every thing she comes across on this here planet. Suddenly, I don't even think it's the country mouse in the big city thing. I'm starting to envision her at home in Albemarle, sitting at the breakfast table going, "Waffles! I'll be darned. Thank you, Grandpa!" Ooh! Here's where it gets awesome. Simon, verbatim: "Kellie, you are what's known as a naughty little minx." First off, too Uncle Inappropriate by half, not that Kellie -- who, you'll recall, dropped to her knees during the performance -- isn't emblematic of it. But this is Talking Pickler, as opposed to Singing Pickler. Calling Talking Pickler a naughty little minx weirds me out a little. Even Paula doesn't call Will a hot piece of ass, you know? Ew. But so Kellie hasn't the first clue. "A naughty what?" Then? Then?? "What's a mink?" Miss Kellie Pickler, ladies and gentlemen. I no longer care if it's fake. I don't. If it's fake, then she's got wicked comic timing. If it's real, then even better. Simon explains that she's a "nice bad girl," while Paula brings up the "calamari" thing, because everybody's working off the same script here. Simon continues that while Kellie isn't the best singer (Kellie: "Thanks!"), she's obviously likeable to a whole lot of people, including him. Then he says he prefers Kellie to "last year's winner." Whoa. Jesus, take my drink, because that is outrageous. It's not even like Simon disliked Carrie. Though to be fair, he was the one constantly on her about being too dowdy and robotic, right? Still, that comment was too much. There's a point where the hyperbole is just standing there, exposed for everyone to see, and that's never pretty.

Ryan hops up onto the stage, and we're running out of time, which is too bad because he really wants to get into the "naughty minx" part. Particularly, he wants to explain to Kellie that it's a compliment. Mostly. "Oh, good," says Kellie. "I'm a mink!" Jesus. So good. Ryan's like, "Minx. You kind of don't want to be a mink, because…" and then we're spared Ryan having to explain the finer points of PETA to Kellie, which is a shame, because can you even imagine? The judges are laughing their asses off at this point, as am I. Ryan's under a huge time crunch, so he shoots out Kellie's phone numbers, but he has to ask her about one last thing. "What did you have for lunch this week? Didn't you have a new fish that you've never had before?" "Yeah," says Kellie, "I had a salmon." Rhymes with "mail bin," people. Ryan, quicker than lightning, turns from Kellie to the camera and goes, "Yup." Hands down the funniest thing I've ever seen Seacrest do, ever. Bravo to everyone involved, that was brilliant. Ryan kicks us to the wrap-up, giggling like the awesome little girl he is.Paris, looking like the Chloe Dao Sound Machine just exploded all over her. Lisa, lost in the one woman show of her own making. Melissa, being all of a sudden awesome, yet also giving us a window into her food court escort service. Kinnik classing up our Tuesday for the last time. Katharine being bouncy and adorable. Ayla moving around all herky-jerky while her hair serves as a cautionary tale. Mandisa looking out of this world, and blowing the judges away. And Kellie with hair in her face again, all of a sudden. When did that happen? As Ryan kicks us to House, Kinnik is to him, making numerical hand gestures in his general direction. She's so great. Also doomed.

Wednesday

Ace is way more fidgety tonight than I've ever seen him before. He's always seemed so vacant, so this newfound upgrade to nervous and a little hysterical is nice. Welcome to Wednesday, where nothing goes right at all.

Ryan's less disheveled than last night, unfortunately. He says the guys have to "leave it all on the stage," and "make it or break it," and surely several other clichés would apply here as well. Down in Suffragette City, Ayla and Melissa both have their hair turned down to a reasonable volume, but Lisa is still looking remarkably Aaliyah-like. Then? We meet the guys. The non-verbals on these dudes drive me up the wall. Gedeon: double thumbs-up. Chris: double rocker symbol/devil horns/I love you sign. Kevin: ever-so-slight finger guns. Bucky: a wink and a point. Will: a head nod in our direction. Taylor: hugging his douchey self. Elliott: hyper fist pump. Ace: double thumbs-up. There's your hottie, everyone. An unironic double thumbs-up. Can you even stand to live with yourselves? They're all up in the balcony, and Ryan asks if they're ready. Various grunts and affirmative signals ensue, and Taylor hoots, which Ryan picks up on, of course. You'll live to regret encouraging him, Seacrest. Then, Ryan makes with the funny, as he says, "Of course, it's not all about talent. The judges are here also." Har. He introduces Simon, and a collection of misguided girls in the audience scream. We can all probably guess the cause-and-effect that results then, right? When every single thing the man does causes you to go off-script, perhaps he's got a little too much of a hold on you, eh Ryan?

Gedeon's up first this week, and he's ready to spill his secret. You know, last week I had completely forgotten Jacob's observation that Gedeon speaks exactly, and frighteningly, like ApprenticeRebecca. He mentioned it again to me this week, so maybe that's the only reason I caught it, but you guys? I am so afraid of Gedeon now. It's a combination of three things, really. He's deadpan, intensely serious. He enunciates every world completely and makes full stops in between. And he's off his damn nut. "One thing people don't know about me is that when I'm not singing, I'm painting." Then he holds up a painting of his, which…take it away, Gedeon. "I have combined a record with the world. As the record spins, the sound of music makes the world go round." The painting actually looks a lot like the cover for Pink Floyd's Pulse album. You kind of don't want to look directly at it, though, because while Gedeon is probably not trying to hypnotize you into joining his army of world domination, you also really shouldn't rule something like that out. Kid's up to something, is what I'm saying. For now, he's content to sing the insanely boring "When a Man Loves a Woman." Once again, I'm at a loss as to how to even talk about Gedeon. He's not bad. He's not great. I would argue it'd be tough to sound great on a song that's been run into the ground as much as this. Once a song goes Bolton, it never quite goes back. Gedeon hardly ever seems like he's seventeen, but here he does. Lots of cheesy finger-pointing and arm flourishes, which come across as youthful attention grabbers. He's certainly got a good voice, and I hate to bag on him for something as ephemeral as "he makes me nervous," but that's what it boils down to. The weird-ass speaking style and emotionally divorced non-verbal stuff makes him inaccessible. And beyond that, this particular performance is boring as hell.For the second week in a row, Randy starts off by saying that Gedeon was shaky at first. He calls Gedeon an "old soul," and that's what he's good at, apparently. Singing songs that even the Muzak guys are sick of. He says Gedeon saved himself with that last note. Paula calls him a "unique sort." I love everybody tap-dancing around the fact that Gedeon freaks them out. I mean, Simon calls him "quite odd," but that's not even really on the nose, is it? Simon sticks his head in the lion's mouth by asking what the Pulse painting signified. Gedeon sounds out the syllables for him: "It signifies my overall impression. Variety. What all can I do." Simon is apparently satisfied, even though that was Paula-level confusing, and goes on to say that the performance was "a bit cabaret." But Gedeon does what he does well, and he's growing on Simon a bit, because he's "interesting." That's one way to put it. Ryan trots up to the stage to ask why Gedeon chose "When a Man Loves a Woman." I'm so glad you asked, Ryan. ["Because Ryan's still waiting for a moment like this? That's some Aiken kind of open tab to answer the question by not answering it." -- Jacob] He chose it because of all the women he's loved in his life. You know, like his mom and his grandma. I do believe his actual words are, "I know how to love a woman. I know how to love my mom and my grandma and all the rest of the ladies in my life." Here's the thing, and my sister and I arrived at this same conclusion simultaneously: if you are the kind of person who can say something like that and not get that it's deeply weird? We don't trust you. If you can draw parallels between "When a Man Loves a Woman" and your own mom and not get that it might warrant some clarification and a boatload of caveats? I'm not saying Gedeon has any untoward feelings for his family members. I'm just saying, even at seventeen, lacking all awareness of how you come across to people makes me really nervous. I'm not going to the "Gedeon eats babies, y'all" place, but if he did, I have a feeling he wouldn't know why we're so weirded out by it.

After the break, it's apparently play time up in the balcony, as Ryan is walking past the lined-up guys towards Chris and each guy does some lame shit like make bunny ears behind Ryan's head. This is what happens when half your cast is still in high school. Bunny ears. Ryan super-fakely turns around to catch them all in the act. Well-played and hilarious, gentlemen! See, this is why I don't think all this Pickler stuff is 100% fake. Because what we just saw is what happens when this show goes for fake. The body language between Ryan and Chris is so weird. Ryan puts a hand on Chris's shoulder, and at first it looks like Chris flinches, but on second look, he's really just fidgeting his arm, unsure whether he should put a hand of his own on Ryan's shoulder, or, like, slap him on the back really hard, or chug a beer and forget this whole shoulder thing ever happened or what. I think this is why Chris always slaps Ryan's hand so hard on the stage. It allows him to set the personal-space ground rules. Chris's big video-clip secret is that a mere couple years ago, he was "stylin' [his] hair just like Ryan Seacrest." We see some photos from back in the day, and he's not wrong. He looks way better bald, I have to say. He says he started to go bald and he'd always promised himself that if that was the case, he'd shave it all off and not look back. That's my kind of vanity, dude. Like I said: way better bald anyway. Chris is singing "Broken" by Seether. My sister insisted that I knew this song, but I didn't recognize it until it got to the part where Amy Lee is supposed to kick in. If Chris's Fuel performance was a 9, this one is an 8 -- it's the exact same kind of proficient, it just doesn't have as much of an impact. But, as with Mandisa, it's just so enjoyable to listen to, and I can't really say that about anyone else. He's fantastic with the stage presence, without having to do a whole lot of self-conscious shit. He just stomps around and pounds his fist and grabs the mic with both hands, and he's perfect. How cool would it be if Chris and Katharine did this song, with Kat on the Amy Lee parts? That's what I want for the finale, show. Make it happen. Randy says Chris is one of the few who knows who they are, and says he's ready. Chris's friends in the audience, as always, are way old. Paula says she can already hear him on the radio. Can Paula hear this radio right now? Actually, I can believe that. I think Paula's invisible radio is right in front of invisible Mariah. Simon, however, wasn't so impressed. He thought it was "a bit indulgent," and that the song was tucked away too safely in Chris's comfort zone. And you know I love Chris, but I can't really disagree with that. It was definitely the safe song to sing. That being said, how many more times is Chris going to be able to sing a song that fits his style once the theme nights start? He'd be stupid not to load up on three performances that really show him at his best, in his given genre, while he still has a free hand to choose. I think Simon had to throw some cold water onto Chris at this point, for a number of reasons, including warding off voter complacency, and not making Chris seem too good, so when Ace ultimately beats him, it won't seem like total bullshit. Chris takes the criticism well, though he still defends the song choice to Ryan. He also declares himself to be done with customer service. From the world's saddest Wal-Mart, Ryan Starr laughs a bitter laugh. Ryan Seacrest reads Chris's numbers, then calls him "baldie" (hey, at least he's above the belt now), and Chris manages to bruise Ryan as much as possible in the handshake/hug-out scenario.

Oh Christ, here's Kevin. Kevin tells us that even though Ryan made fun of him by calling him a "gangsta" last week, the truth is Kevin likes Kanye West very much. Ha! Excellent. "No, really! I'm hard! Check out this new Kanye track with Jamie Foxx!" How many ways can this show call Kevin clueless, honestly? Kevin will be singing Don McLean's "Vincent," with its familiar opening line, "Starry, starry night…" Perfect song for a kid with Kevin's lisp, no? It's a beautiful song, in its original incarnation. I actually first heard this song at a Tori Amos show, not knowing it was a cover. Absolutely gorgeous. That's the same exact story as how I found Leonard Cohen's "Famous Blue Raincoat," by the way. I'm trying to avoid talking about actual Kevin, in case you haven't noticed. I will say this: it's better than "Heard it Through the Grapevine," by a country mile. His voice is still technically not bad. His voice has never been the problem. He just looks so lost on the stage. Also, why does he sound like an Irish tenor all of a sudden? He has an accent now. My grandma would have loved this kid, and called him to sing at whatever St. Patrick's Day festivities she was attending. I like him, too. I still wish he'd get voted out, though. Randy and Paula are STILL treating this like it's a big huge joke they're playing on Simon. Like, "Ha, ha. We love you, Kevin. Nobody gets it, but we think you're awesome. And people should totally vote for you, because you could never win this show, but we'll stick it to Simon good, won't we?" I hate all of it. It's like…isn't there a movie, one of those teen movies where the cool group takes an unpopular kid and pretends to make them over, but really it's just a big joke so that Clique Member A can win money/sex/a car from Clique Member B? Oh, wait. That's every teen movie. But here's the awful real-life twist: Freddie Prinze, Jr. is never going to ask Kevin to prom, and Heath Ledger is never going to buy him a guitar, and when Simon and America ultimately dump the bucket of blood on him, he's just going to kill Randy and Paula first. There's absolutely no way this ends well.

Simon, to his credit, is wiping fake tears from his eyes while Paula talks. And he cushions his blow to Kevin as much as possible, which is how you know he really wants him to go. Kevin, either because he's young or because maybe he's sick of being a punch line, gets the teensiest bit snippy with Simon, saying he'll "take the 'granny vote'" that Simon says he'll get. Simon pulls out his "I'm not being rude," calling card, and Kevin -- and I can't parse whether this is sarcastic or sincere -- is like, "No! Not at all!" He's walking a fine line. Not that I would blame him if he did unleash a few barbs on everyone, because nobody likes to be inside the monkey cage at the zoo. Then: Getting Gay with Ryan and Simon. Ryan had a dream about him! Simon wants out of Ryan's sick fantasy world! Ryan thinks Simon should give constructive criticism! To Kevin! Simon evades the question by implying Ryan likes it up the ass! I'm so effing bored by this every week!

Back in the lounge, the stultifying aroma of trying way too hard must mean…yes, it's Taylor Hicks. Ryan is asking him how the Idol experience has changed his life so far. For one thing, Taylor has gotten the chance to meet a great musical artist and inspiration, Christopher Cross. Hee. That one's better than Will singing "Lady." Hey, I mean if the best that you can do (get it??) celebrity-meeting-wise is Christopher Cross, I guess that's notable, but it's funny to see Taylor try to wrap this all into yet another reason why he's got cred, yes he do, he's got cred, how 'bout you? It's Christopher Cross, dude. Then Ryan asks him about how different the Idol experience -- singing one song per week -- differs from his usual routine of playing several shows a week. Here's where we get actual normal Taylor, free of the tics and whoops and utter bullshit, and I'd give props for that if I thought he was turning a corner. Sadly, it seems like he's just resting, as we'll see later.In his video clip, Bucky looks perhaps the dirtiest we've ever seen him. Did the producers just wake him up from a nap? In the woods? And then, because the producers have somehow adopted the motto of "Your Worst Fears Imagined," we see that Bucky has a twin brother. And his name is Rocky. We see a photo of the both of them in a graduation picture, and Rocky is the skinnier one, I think. "He's a good singer and almost as pretty as I am," says Bucky. It's like some sort of Rob Zombie movie with those two standing side-by-side. I worry. So he's singing a song called "Wave on Wave," by an artist called Pat Green. Yeah, me neither. It's a growly rendition, as all of Bucky's are. The video playing in the background is of actual waves. They couldn't have done this with everyone? A Van Gogh slide show behind Kevin, maybe? Like everyone else this week, Bucky is just the same as he's always been. Not a bad singer, but utterly unimpressive in every way. ["I have no memory of this performance whatsoever." -- Sars] He's unique, because he's the only person in this competition singing this style of music. Once the themes start, I can't imagine what he'll be able to do to make an impression, short of packing a dip in his mouth in front of the judges.

Randy says the guys in general have a better sense of who they are. What he means is that they've all got their niches to themselves. Bucky is country rock, Chris is alt rock, Ace is boy band, Elliott is Motown, Kevin is nonmusical, and Taylor is the socially inept vote magnet. They don't offer each other any direct competition. Randy says it's a great song for Bucky, if not the greatest song to show off his vocal range. Well, right. But he's gone three weeks without showing off his vocal range and y'all praised him for it, so why think he'll start now? Then clueless Randy starts talking about how Bucky is "a little country, a little rocky," meanwhile Paula is sitting to him giggling, because that's his brother's name, get it? Randy does not. He's totally not going to be happy when he finds out he was even more clueless than Paula Abdul. You're dipping below the "x" axis, right there. We see Rocky in the audience, and the best way I can describe it is: Bucky, but with tuberculosis. ["Well, when chromosomes are at issue, the last thing you want is to have to split them further." -- Jacob] We always go to the disease place with Bucky, don't we? Simon finally, finally throws some cold water, saying you could hear a performance like that a million times at a bar. Thank you. Ryan, of course, brings Rocky onstage, because I suppose if Ryan looks good in side-by-side comparison to just Bucky, maybe he thinks he'll look twice as good with the both of them up there. You guys, when Bucky is the good-looking one? Do you see how that might be worrisome?

When we come back from the commercial, we're apparently in the middle of one of my childhood nightmares, as the video clip shows someone in an Easter Bunny costume. Yes, I was afraid of the Easter Bunny. You weren't? This giant man-sized animal with a tiny brain and no concept of human life who gets some sort of cosmic permission to enter your home while you sleep? That didn't scare the crap out of you? No amount of Cadbury eggs was enough to calm my ass down the night before Easter. Anyway, take a wild guess as to which horse's ass of a contestant is enough of an attention-grabbing dork as to dress like the world's scariest furry (and de facto the world's scariest human being). No, really. Guess. …It's Taylor! I know! He takes off the bunny head and he smiles that awful fake smile of his. I wish Jay and Silent Bob would show up and kick the shit out of him. He's singing the Doobie Brothers' "Takin' It to the Streets." Strictly speaking, I can't stand the Doobie Brothers (sorry, Dad). I'm not all Paul Rudd about it, but don't care for them, and -- as with Steely Dan (again: sorry, Dad) -- I think all their songs tend to sound the same. This is probably the most distinctive and catchy song they've got, and it's certainly right up Taylor's alley. He's singing it exactly like Michael McDonald, to the point where, on vocals alone, it's more of an impersonation than a real performance. Of course, he puts all his epileptic garbage into it -- and if you like Taylor, I can see how "garbage" wouldn't be the right word -- and chicken dances, and swings his right forearm in furious circles, and hot-foots around. I hate him, so I think it's all incredibly dumb. The crowd, by the way, thinks I'm an asshole, because they are eating it all up and asking for seconds. Just going crazy for Taylor. Energy begets energy. I learned that when I saw the Barenaked Ladies in concert (they shared a bill with the band I actually paid to see, put it that way).Paula and her Magnolia flower won't shut up with the hooting and clapping and standing for Taylor. Simon and Randy are laughing their asses off at her, even though they liked it a lot, too. Taylor claps for himself and then actually waves his arms up in the "more, more" gesture. Like he's a linebacker asking the crowd to drown out the opposing offense. What a jerk-ass, I'm sorry. Randy liked it a lot, saying it's maybe not Taylor's best vocal, but when the crowd likes it as much as they did, Randy is in no way going to step in front of that train. Though he does make fun of Taylor's "dancing," which wasn't really dancing at all. It was Taylor being so full up on affectations that he had to jerk all around lest they bust through his skin. "Taylor's friends" are in the audience, one of whom he apparently knows from the time she spent as a shopping mall Loretta Lynn (so much lace!). They probably shared space in front of JC Penney's. Taylor, as usual: "WOO!" Paula boozily tells Taylor she's incorporating his dance steps into her "job." Really? What job would that be, exactly? Celebrity Mole: Betty Ford Clinic? Simon tells Taylor he could single-handedly kill the music video industry. There's…still a music video industry? Huh. Simon loved the performance, though, and says Taylor "had fun and stood out." Even when Simon and I essentially disagree, we technically agree, don't we? Ryan approaches and wants to discuss Taylor's "signature move," which is the head-tilt body-jerk backwards and to the side thing that he so "charmingly" does. Ryan tries for an exaggerated version and, predictably, almost falls. Taylor shouts out the "Soul Patrol," which is the name of his fan club, I guess. Beats "Graymates," I suppose.

Elliott's video clip tells us that he has 90% hearing loss in his right ear, due to infections he had as a kid. Which makes it all the more impressive that he can sing as well as he does, I would think. So, here we are. Can't make fun of the ears, can't make fun of the teeth. Technically I am allowed to mention how he's crazy short, but on this show, you can't even tell because everyone is. You're killing me out here, Yamin. Wait! He's singing Bryan Adams? I do believe that's an opening. Truth be told, I like the song he's singing, "Heaven." But it's pretty wussy, I will readily admit. Last week, Elliott was essentially told to sing a pop song, and this is what he chose. He starts off really well, bringing the soulful voice in a clear, strong way. It gets away from him at the bridge and he never really retains it, but overall it's pretty good. At least with Elliott you have a voice strong enough to keep things interesting. Randy starts off by saying, "I rarely do this on this show," before delving into some pretty typical praise. He thinks Elliott consistently brings it and chooses good songs. Is that rare for Randy? Does he mean how he says he'd work on a record with Elliott right now? Because he kind of told Chris that last week. See, I'm thinking what Randy "rarely does" on this show is not talk out of his ass. Paula's much better. Funnier, at least. "Elliott you are absolutely phenomenal and amazing and hearing like the blueprint of your life what you've had to overcome and obstacles even makes it a richer story and background and…" And that's where the runaway train of words struck her drink and spilled it. Simon makes fun of her, asking if he can move forward with his own "blueprint." Hee. Paula I think says, "You're just a blackprint." I suspect Paula got drunk somewhere during the third commercial break, because she seemed fine before.

Elliott's eyes get wide as Simon says he thought the song was a "cop-out." He found a disconnect between Elliott and the song, and he looked uncomfortable singing it. Again, as with Chris and "indulgent," he's using harsher words than what he actually means. I can see the "disconnect" thing, actually. It's certainly not a song that fits comfortably in Elliott's personal style. But, again, this is what you ordered him to do last week, Simon. This is easily my least favorite part of the show, the constant yo-yo action of "Step out of your box!" / "Get back in your box!" So dishonest. What's wrong with saying, "Nice that you're trying something new, but it turns out you don't do it particularly well"? This whole business of phrasing it like Elliott is copping out is for the birds. Paula and Randy are still assholes, though, as they can't let Simon utter a negative opinion about anyone without drowning him out. Ryan calls Elliott an "inspiring machine." Like Haley Joel Osment or Tricia Helfer, I guess. Then, as Ryan kicks it to the break, we see Ace bust out an even dorkier double thumbs-up. As if that were possible.

Ace interviews, with his "love me" eyebrows in mid-season form, that when he first moved out to Hollywood, he had to pay the bills somehow. Then we see a still photo of Joel Schumacher and are asked to connect the dots ourselves. Oh, fine. What we actually see is Ace sanding and staining plywood, and Ace shingling a roof. Now, this isn't exactly archive footage from the 2002 documentary feature Ace: The Lean Years. Obviously, this had to be staged for the cameras. So perhaps we should listen to his actual words: "One thing I think America'd be surprised to learn about me, is that when I first came out to Hollywood it was hard. I had to work a lot of odd jobs just to pay the bills, and I've become quite the handyman. I've learned things that I didn't even know I could do." Yeah, now that Schumacher thing doesn't seem to far-fetched, does it? He's singing some godawful Michael Jackson song called "Butterflies." As always, he does not take his eyes away from the camera for a moment, because he needs to grab you and hold on to you and make sure you're looking while you listen, or else you'll miss the boat entirely. I wonder what it must be like to watch him in the studio audience, because he's clearly not paying them any attention at all. He's very good at the beginning, doing all the boy band stuff he needs to. Once again, when he gets to sing breathy, he excels. But then, because it's Michael, the song goes up into falsetto, and things get screechy but quick. The Ugly Ace Falsetto Face (that rhymes) returns, and it still doesn't do him any favors. This portion of the song goes on forever, to the point where…remember the old "you keep making that face, it'll stay that way" threat your mom pulled on you? I started to worry about that, but with Ace's face and voice. Yikes. He does manage to pull out of the tailspin eventually, and I make fun of him, but gosh is he pretty. And he's back to being sexy as an actual adult and not as some man/child/kitten creation, so that's nice as well.Randy starts off by saying he was worried that Michael Jackson was too big a risk for Ace, vocally. But he had forgotten what a great falsetto Ace had. That's cool, Randy. I can't recall Ace having a great falsetto even now. ["I'm watching it as we fucking speak, and..." -- Jacob] Ace's brother is back, looking like an angry college professor. It's sort of obscured, but I think Paula said Ace was "better than the original artist," and I wasn't aware people were allowed to blaspheme on Michael Jackson's musical ability. Isn't that the rule? Kiddie rapist jokes are fine, but he's still officially The Bestest Musical Artist Ever? Simon tells Ace that he made that performance work, which I think is a nod to the "look deeply into my eyes" stuff. He says there were parts of the vocal (falsetto) that were not great (falsetto). Randy and Paula are, again, bratty little children who have to keep interjecting that Simon's wrong. I really can't stand them when they do this. Ace is at least bright enough to realize that this is essentially a compliment from Simon, and he takes it with a smile. As Ryan reads off his numbers, Ace throws up eight fingers and smiles like a goof.

Rundown! Gedeon trying to sell you his album art subliminally. Chris being way too good for this mess. Kevin being too good for this mess in a completely different way that mostly translates to, "Please vote him off!" Bucky valiantly fighting off a scalp infection. Will Makar running full speed into a hail of bullets. Taylor scrambling an imaginary pan of eggs. Elliott pointing to his eyes to match the word "see," unfortunately. And Ace conveniently not displaying any of the uglier sides to his performance. As Ryan signs off, we see that Chris doesn't really interact with anyone but Ace, and quickly jumps offstage, presumably to hang with his friends. Hmm. I mean, not like I'd stick around to get elbowed out of the frame by Taylor either, but this show is about going through the motions sometimes, dude.

Thursday

A black-on-black-on-black clad Ryan Seacrest welcomes us to judgment day, and shows us the twelve shiny stools that could be state-of-the-art water fountains, or perhaps barstools from a diner in the distant future, upon which the final twelve contestants will be sitting by show's end. He announces what awaits the finalists once we get to week: bigger stage, bigger studio, bigger band, and -- coming not a minute too soon for some -- stylists for all! Then he makes a "stylist" joke en route to welcoming the judges. Randy's in plaid, Simon's in black, and Paula's inebriated. Though not nearly as bad as last Thursday. I wouldn't blame the producers if they'd given her sedatives or electroshock before they went on the air tonight. Forty-six million votes were cast! I have no idea what that means in relation to other weeks, nor do I care all that much. Lots of votes! None of which where mine! I've already recapped these performances, so I won't do it again, but as Ryan narrates the rundown, there are a few notable things. Ace and Katharine are once again grouped together as the cream of the crop, which is interesting because it was Mandisa and Taylor who got the "best in show" notices from the judges. Also, you figure that in order to keep up appearances, they have to show negative comments for the dead contestants walking. We see the judges bag on Will, Kevin, Melissa, and Kinnik. We also see negative comments for Ayla, even though she wasn't really judged as particularly bad overall. And Gedeon's similarly well-reviewed performance gets a non-committal "old soul" sound bite. So at this point my predictions changed to Will, Kevin, Kinnik, and Ayla. With my resolve for the Kevin pick weakening by the minute.

Ryan says the upcoming performer "breezed through, like, fourteen of these shows without breaking a sweat." Well, except for the one where he lost and also the one where he was bottom two. It's Bo Bice! Complete with thick, luxurious hair. I know I'm sort of harping on this particular point, but I don't think it can be understated just how ladylike Bo's hair is. It's like he just stepped out of a Pantene Pro-V commercial with Eva Longoria. I don't recall Bo ever looking like this before. Oh, wait. The smile with the effed-up nubby teeth. That's the Bo I know. At least his dental plan is keepin' it real. Ryan talks to Bo about how he's a dad now, which is snark-proof, I suppose. Bo's raising the kid to like all the southern-fried music his dad likes, which kind of makes me hope the kid gets into whatever the 2020 equivalent of trip-hop is going to be. Then he talks about how he and his family had to move out of their place in Alabama because too many creepy stalker fans camped outside his house. Ryan makes a "Will we be voting on your performance?" joke that he and Bo each take in opposite directions.

Bo sings the single and title track from his album, "The Real Thing." I almost recapped this music video in last week's Wednesday recap, but I'm glad I didn't because I get to start fresh here, where he sounds much worse. First of all, the song doesn't suit him at all. I realize it's bullshit to keep bringing up the comparison, a full year later (and it was kind of crap even then), but it sounds like a Constantine song. This is a very generic Train/Goo Goo Dolls tune, and that's not a knock on that kind of music, because you give those bands the right song and it'll be in your head for weeks, but everything about Bo resists that kind of music. Which is maybe why his voice is rebelling during this performance. Flat all over the place, no emotion anywhere, and you can't count the mic stand thing, because that's just muscle memory. Bo's not an artist who should sound better in the studio, but with this tune he does. ["He would also look better there. Jeez, Bo. You sure can 'blow.'" -- Jacob] I keep wishing they'd cut away to a Simon reaction shot, but there's probably a note taped up in the control booth telling them "Under No Circumstances!!" In black magic marker, underlined thrice. Is that a tattoo on Bo's chest? Or perhaps a new type of stigmata I haven't heard of before? By the time he's finished, his hair is sweaty and stringy, so it's more back to normal. Ryan and Bo look like they coordinated so they'd both be wearing black. They probably did, that's how Hollywood Bo is. His inner Gavin DeGraw has been thoroughly defeated. ["Joe R., stop trying to make Bo be anything other than what he's been trying to be lately! Which is: gross! With mysteriously evaporating talent!" -- Jacob]Back from the break, the women have been assembled on the cushy chairs as they await the voting results. Paris has cocker spaniel hair tonight, while Mandisa is sporting a snazzy fedora. Seacrest just jumps right into it. The top row consists of Paris, Katharine, Kellie, and Mandisa. Ryan doesn't even deal with them, that's how obviously safe they are. He starts with Lisa. Randy didn't think she was great, but Simon continued to see her sailing into the finals. She's safe for now. She's super-relieved, but she can't get too wild, because there's another elimination looming. As in weeks, your eyes stake out the pattern Ryan's following. He's moving right to left down the couch, and the order going that way is Lisa, Melissa, Ayla, and Kinnik. So it's no surprise at all that Melissa is safe. And now it'll be an Ayla/Kinnik stand-off, right? Not exactly. Ayla gets her judges' scorecard read to her, and she's declared safe. So there's Kinnik, sitting dead in the water. Ryan at least doesn't bother with what she sang or what the judges said. He just tells her she had the lowest votes. She saw it coming, obviously. Ryan brings her to the center of the stage, and she is incredibly classy about making it as far as she has. She says she came out "full-fledged a winner." She's fantastic. Ryan, still gun-shy about asking Paula or Simon anything, lest the menu-related shenanigans return, asks Randy for words of wisdom. Randy tells Kinnik, "Every time you hit the stage, it just needs to be the bomb." Remember that one, kids. It may come up again soon. Ryan tests the waters with Paula, who suggests, "Better song selection time." You know, time she's on a televised singing competition where she's slated to go no farther than the final sixteen. When that time comes, Kinnik will surely be ready. Ryan makes a big show of not even asking Simon anything, so Simon has to interject that it's been nice to know Kinnik. He's not going to be an asshole now, Ryan. That was last week's cafeteria prank. Kinnik sings out with that boring Alicia Keys song. She points up to God during the "if I ain't got you" lyric. Sad thing is, we haven't seen enough of her to know whether that's annoying or not. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. Ryan is incredibly sweet afterwards, telling her she looks beautiful, which she completely does. Then he lets her shout out her family, friends, and fans in South Carolina and Georgia. Bye, Kinnik! If you promise not to make me try the chitlins, I'd totally like to hang out!

Back with the girls, the format is slightly different. Along with being safe, each girl not voted out is now a finalist, and as a reward gets to grab a seat at the moon café across the stage. First up is Paris, who just manages to look freakier every week. She's dressed like she's going to junior prom at a Catholic girls' school in the distant future. Of course, Paris is in, and she proceeds to freak out, hooting and dancing across the stage and really making herself look bad, I think. I realize she's only seventeen, but the teenagers I like on this show are the ones who act a little more mature for their age. Exuberance is one thing, this kind of "I'm dancing the dance of me being awesome" stuff is juvenile, and it doesn't show me that you have any regard for the six remaining girls and…whatever, I don't like it. Ryan asks Paris if it feels good in the moon seats. "It do! Hurry up, y'all!" That's a whole lot cuter without all the other Taylor crap. to make it to the top twelve is Katharine, who lets out a controlled spaz attack, before being maybe the least giggly we've ever seen her as she tries to make it across the stage without falling. Yeah, you definitely don't want to remember tonight as the time you ate it on national television. Kellie Pickler is . Come on, are you kidding? Totally in. Ryan tries to do a ridiculous southern accent that is miles worse than his British accent. Ryan can only speak in that TV newscaster accent, and it's better he not try anything else. Kellie makes her way over to the moon café, and she and Katharine maul each other. Hey, what is this I hear about the McPick? People, no. I'm sorry. That is not going to fly. I like Grey's Anatomy as much as the guy, but no way. Ryan turns to Mandisa . He reminds her how Simon said he wanted to see her on a bigger stage. Now he'll get his chance. Mandisa is in. Now we turn our attention to the girls who are actually at risk. Lisa is the youngest contestant in the competition, and she's a finalist. Big, gorgeous smile from Lisa, and she moves over to the group hugging area. Ryan tells them all to grab a seat and hush up, because he's got grim business to attend to. Ayla already looks close to tears. Melissa can't even look at her. Ryan sends us to commercial (harsh) and, upon returning, calls both to center stage, where one of them will be eliminated. It's so hard to even look at these girls. Melissa, for her part, can't look at anything. She's picked a random spot on the back wall to stare at, or something. Ayla can't stand still, and is so close to freaking. Ryan asks Randy who he thinks will remain, and he wavers and says Ayla, but we can't see his face, so I can't tell whether he already knows and is lying or what. Ryan lays the consolation groundwork with Ayla, talking about her straight As and basketball scholarship, before he says Melissa's flight from Tampa to Denver to audition was worth it. She's in. One of the girls shrieks in approval. I'd be very interested to know who that was. Melissa breaks down and hugs Ryan, and then she has to turn around and see Ayla standing there like a big lumbering pile of almost crying, and Melissa hugs her, briefly but I think sincerely, before she runs off to the café to hug Paris. Hmm. Ayla is devastated. The easy thing to say here is that this is the first time she's ever not gotten what she wanted. Hell, that was my first reaction, too. It's also what I said when Randy's first critiques made David Radford cry -- he'd never been told he was awful before in his whole perfect life. There's probably a little bit of that going on with Ayla, but…girl plays basketball. She's used to winning, but more than likely she's tasted bitter defeat before, and I bet she's reacted similarly. She's a competitor and she takes her losses hard. I love that about her.

Ryan…Ryan's interesting here. He's comforting and soothing and all, but he's also being paid to make a TV show happen around him, and part of that is getting one of tonight's poor saps to cry, so that's his mission right now. Be nice enough to Ayla so that she'll break down in time for the camera to zoom in on her face. He asks her what lessons she'll take away from this, and she talks about being equally passionate about basketball and singing, and I'm not entirely sure the point she's getting at, but maybe neither does she. She's like, "I never cry!" Okay, so maybe some of that armchair analysis last paragraph isn't exactly on target, but I still stand by most of it. Ryan: "Cry, my angel of music! Cry for me!!" Everyone in the studio stands to applaud her. Ryan says Ayla's "become friends" with the judges, which is interesting phrasing, especially considering how hard they were on her up through Hollywood.

Randy tells her it's "just the beginning," and thankfully doesn't remind her that she has to "bring it every single time." Paula has one of her word-shooter moments where I can do nothing but transcribe: "You're a winner in everything that you've proven so far, you keep going, you keep going for your dreams, people like you and the spirit and the whole blueprint of your whole life is waiting for you, is out there for you to change and do whatever you want." Again with the blueprint, by the way. But why quibble with genius like that? That sentence changes directions every three words, like that song that goes, "Miss Suzy went to heaven, the steamboat went to / Hello operator… Simon tells Ayla, "It was the song. It wasn't you, it was the song. It happens." I was glad for the "it happens" part, because up until then, it still leaves Ayla room to feel like shit for picking the wrong song. I mean, she still will, but I'm glad Simon cushioned the blow anyway. Now Ayla has to sing out. She and I are both like, "Oh God, are you kidding me?" at the same time. Now, she was rough at the beginning of the song on Tuesday anyway. Combine that with the crying and emotions now and you can imagine how bad it is starting off. Also, the lyrics are now icy shards piercing Ayla's soul with stuff like, "So close you can almost taste it," and "Today is where your book begins." She winces as she passes those lyrics, but then it's awesome, because she goes into hardcore competitor mode, and suddenly she's just playing ball. It's gorgeous, and I am so happy to see her go out like this. ["I know! I got a little weepy, to be honest." -- Jacob] Bye, Ayla! Kick lots and lots of ass at BC!

No commercials, right to the guys, who moved on down to the comfy seats during the last commercial break. Taylor's up first, and he's clearly in. He freaks out with the hooting and hot-footing. Ryan yells at him to "dance across that stage!" but he so would have done that anyway. Taylor and Paris share the hug of the equally immature, only she at least has more on an excuse than he does. Ace and his "adopt me" eyes are also in the top twelve. He slaps manly fives with Chris and Ryan before hitting the stools. Chris? Also a finalist, and he also bruises Ryan's hand. Then he trots on over to the moon café and positively crunches Ace with a bear-hug that Taylor tries to get in on, but he's the total Alma of this scene anyway, so no one notices. Chris also adorably slap-hugs Kelly the same way he slap-hugged Ryan, so it's perhaps not so much gay panic as it is the way Chris chooses to embrace really fake people. up is Kevin. Kevin? Already? So he's…in? Christ. Ryan runs down all the hoops Kevin has had to jump through, probably so we'll figure he at least deserves top twelve for all they've put him through. Deserving or not, he's in. He looks floored and puts his head in his hands. Kind of fake, since he's been doing this kind of thing for weeks now, but I totally thought he was going home after last night, too, so we'll call it a push. He runs across the stage, leaps off it and maybe kicks his heels and almost falls and cracks his alien head open, but he's caught in the Hug Zone by Ace and Chris, and it's very sweet. The girls are, of course, so happy for him, because he's the only one who will tell them what girls Ace talks about when they're not around. Elliott has not only survived the judges, he's survived the Brittenum twins. Remember them? Because they're here in the audience. I didn't know they made track suits with cravats. They're so awful. Ryan mocks them like, "Surprise, surprise. They still haven't shut up." They yell about how they're rich now, like it won't all get taken away in out-of-court settlements anyway. Who let them in the building? Elliott is safely in the top twelve and hugs Bucky and Gedeon on his way out, because he's super-nice. Who does he hug upon arrival at the moon café? Why, Ace and Chris, of course. The moon café has the hottest ambassadors, honestly.

Ryan sends us to commercial before we can decide the fates of Gedeon and Bucky. When we return, Simon predicts that America put Gedeon through, because it's boring when he's right all the time. They did not put Gedeon through. Bucky gives him a hug (way to rub dirt in the wound there, Buck), and he moves off camera to where everyone else is hooting and hollering, and poor Gedeon just has to smile and talk to Ryan. He speaks weirdly some more about how this is not the end for him, it is just the beginning. Then he sings us out with that song about how when a son loves a mother, he'll sleep out in the rain. Mandisa seems really psyched for him, and indeed he sings quite well before he's shoved out of the spotlight forever. Daniel Powter once again serenades our four bootees as we see clips of their Idol journeys where they are all four just monstrously good-looking. I'm not really going to miss Gedeon. Kinnik was awesome, personally, but I never really looked forward to her performances much. Will and Ayla I will miss like crazy, and that now makes a full three out of my six pre-semifinal favorites who got voted out before the top twelve. Mandisa, Chris, and Katharine had better hook me up in the theme weeks, is what I'm saying. The top twelve dance like assholes just to remind us that there's still a billion more of them to be voted out. And we're out.

week? Stevie effing Wonder songs. Thank God I am not recapping that. Though I still might have my say on the matter, one way or another.