Tuesday
Ryan is dressed like Brandon Flowers after a long day at the office, as we lay our scene. Honestly, I wonder how long he had to stand in front of the mirror to get the tie loosened just right. However long it took, it was worth it. (Jacob: "Feel free to mention that I think he looks like a Paula Deen dish sizzling in very fatty butter.") Everybody's hair is different! Paris went curly, Lisa went straight, Melissa went for an entire can of mousse, Ayla has that bouffant poof on the top of her head that Paula so unfortunately opted for a couple weeks ago, and Kellie's hair is notably not all in her face like she just crawled out of a briar patch. Eight women left. Two of them will be going home. THIS is American Idol.
We're LIVE tonight, not that I think it makes a difference. Ryan mentions the Oscars, because you know he's as pissed about Brokeback Mountain losing as I am. We rehash last week and get still photos of Brenna, David, Heather, and Sway. I love the stills, like they're actually dead. Maybe include little "January - March 2006" captions. The women are all lined up on the staircase, Von Trapp-style, and Ryan gives them a "what's up?" before mentioning that two of them will be leaving by Thursday. Ryan: "Way to start with an awkward moment." Ryan, I don't care how handsomely you're dressed, it's still not cool to have witty little conversations with yourself. Now is the time on AI when we dance our way past the camera: Paris, dressed in turquoise and many sparkly things, is enthusiastic as always, and if we're still going with the "pick a Huxtable" visual motif from the last two weeks, she's now graduated to "Cousin Pam." You can actually see Lisa flip the switch to "on" as she approaches the camera. Melissa looks heroically trashy, and at this point I'm loving her for it. Ten years ago, she'd have been played by Amy Locane. Kinnik still looks like she's singing at a shit-kicker bar, even if she has lost the cowboy hat. Kat McPhee looks amazing and does a double-hand wave I find oddly endearing. Ayla still smiles dorkily and I wonder if, between her shoes and her hair, she wants to appear nine feet tall. Mandisa is wearing this lovely macramd poncho number, and she makes what seem to be secret hand gestures to Jesus, even though I'm pretty sure he's busy making sure Carrie Underwood gets home safe. Kellie Pickler is dressed like Buffy on a patrol night, and it took me a looong while to make that connection, but I'm so glad I did, because it explains most of my reactions to her tonight.
Ryan introduces the judges, managing to keep his disgust for them just under the surface, for now. Paula looks petrified, like Ryan might snap at her at any second. Simon smiles patronizingly, as hard as that is to believe. No judge talk this week, which I am thankful for, because all that ever does is set the fake tone for the night ("Simon never agrees!" "Song choice is or is not important!"), and this night is fake enough. The pre-song video clips do have a fake theme, and that is "little-known facts." Or, as Ryan puts it, "little well-known facts." I'll cut him some slack since he's still glowing the glow of the righteous crusader for the ethical treatment of children. Once again, it's a theme that can be stretched thin enough to accommodate pretty much whatever side to a contestant the show wants us to see. It's one-stop shopping for how we're supposed to think.