The Final Five 2004

Tuesday. Ryan tells us there are five contestants left and we get to vote on them. Also, the sky is blue, and two plus two equals four.

Credits. Ryan "Innuendo" Seacrest heads out to the Seal in a black outfit with the velveteen jacket. I just want to throw those Velcro balls from those "dartboard" games you buy for children so they don't try throwing actual darts at him. Ryan insists that there wasn't a dry eye in the house last week when John Stevens was finally eliminated. Well, I don't think I was laughing that hard. I'm not entirely evil. The same can't be said for the show's producers, who waited until he was gone for good before bringing in the big band theme.

Ryan introduces the judges, insulting Simon "It's a Hard Life" Cowell by saying he has a big head (see, because it's big band night). Paula "I'm Going Slightly Mad" Abdul appears to have dipped her face in Krispy Kreme glaze, perhaps to keep her overdone make-up from rubbing off. Also, it looks like she might be covering up a bruise on her right cheek, perhaps as a result of the universe trying to slap some sense into her. She's wearing a giant white silk flower/bow combo in her hair (mood: [insert Daffy Duck laughter here]). Randy "Radio Ga Ga" Jackson still loves himself a lot more than everybody else does.

A clip show about big band and swing music reminds us that silly dancing has been around for quite a while, long before that Wade Robson guy showed up. A lot of grainy black and white clips get some much needed airing. Duke Ellington! Tommy Dorsey! Benny Goodman! Then the cult of personality took over music (a turn from which we've never recovered), and the singers became more famous than the folks responsible for the music. Frank Sinatra! Dean Martin! Tony Bennett! They sang songs that are still loved nostalgically by the old and ironically by the young.

Once again, we'll be blowing through the pointless [product-placed cola] interviews before the performances. Ryan asks stupid questions to the kids in Pimp Central with the help of the monitor. He asks Fantasia how the performances are going to work tonight. She explains that they'll be singing two songs tonight, one that means a lot to them, and one they get to have fun with. What's the deal with Ryan making Fantasia do his job? Lazy-ass monkey boy. She says she thought big band would be tough for her, but says John sat her down and "gave her the ropes." So she managed to work in yet another shout-out to an ejected contestant. Does Diana think it's going to be tough? She says it will be challenging because she, unlike John, isn't all that aware of this type of music. A tiny little piece of Music's soul dies. Is George excited about the band? Yes. Yes he is! He's also excited about cats, Belgium, frittatas and the color green. And everything else, too. Speaking of the band, there is indeed a big one here tonight. Ryan has them play for a few seconds. Ah, a brief shining moment of competence before all the mediocrity.

And after picking them, it was time to start destroying them utterly. Poor Leah went first, having developed a fan base of about seventeen people (all of whom emailed me to defend her horrid singing). I almost feel sorry for her. She seemed so harmless in retrospect. Then smarmy Matt got the boot, because America gets plenty of cheese at fast food restaurants. Amy had bright red hair, which meant that she wasn't going to win. She got booted. They sneak in yet another shot of Camile in a bikini. Classy. Eventually, voters were no longer unable to overlook her inability to sing in tune, and she was booted. Jon Peter Lewis inexplicably fascinated a certain segment of the population with his deranged capering, scary facial expressions, and horrible voice, but he was finally ejected. Then Jennifer was ejected, and despite having never been voted into the finals in the first place, having been in the bottom two twice already, and having been the first African-American contestant ejected, said booting caused an unbelievably stupid race argument all over the media because horrid crooner John Stevens wasn't gone yet. But America fixed that problem the following week and booted John. If only we paid that much attention to actual racial problems in our country. Oh goodness. There's a brief shot where they take a clip of all twelve finalists on to Seal and make it look like the seven ejectees were transported away, Star Trek-style. See, that's the real secret of the Xindi. They're all former American Idol contestants who were voted out, and that's why they want to destroy humanity.

Commercials. If FOX thinks people are going to be staying home this summer to watch The Simple Life 2, then they're seriously deluded. Well, I hope they're seriously deluded, because if they're right, I'm going to cry.

When we return, Ryan's introduces his first awful interview for the evening, Fantasia Barrino. She comes out in a simple backless black dress and no shoes. Ohmigod! No shoes! Ryan makes such a big deal out of her lack of shoes that you'd think she had come out with no feet instead. On the other hand, it's the perfect opening for the start of the interview. Fantasia complains that she hates shoes. She wears them during performances because she has to, but then she takes them off. The two of them sit on a couple of black recliner-type chairs on the stage. Ryan says that some of us may not be aware that Fantasia is also a mother in addition to a contestant. Who is not aware that Fantasia doesn't have a cute widdle baby girl? Bring me this person. Is it Ted Kaczynski? Zacharias Kunuk? Paula Abdul? Who? Ryan does that thing that I hate the most: He starts asking her what it's like to balance motherhood with the competition, and then starts answering it himself by bringing up the pressure of the contest and such. I'm actually using some of Ryan's questions as examples of what not to do in a training session I'm planning on interviewing people for news stories. Fantasia says it's tough, but if you've got people supporting you, it helps you keep going. She says her mom has been very supportive and encourages a round of applaud from the audience for her. She says that Zion (her daughter) also "pushes" her, because no matter how much work it takes, Fantasia wants to make sure Zion has "the best." She encourages other young mothers to pursue their dreams, and to see their children as pushing them towards a goal, not denying it from them. Unless your goal is to be accepted into the "Well, I Never!" chapter of the Society of Moralistic Busybodies.

Group sing: "Emotions," Carrie and Bo mostly taking the lead, except for a lovely and terribly off-key set of runs and ranging around that made me sure Vonzell would be going home. Also, Scott rubs our faces in our future with some bullshit fucked-up falsetto. Why can't these kids sing with each other? What's the problem? Then there's the dorkiest but also best pimpomercial ever, with A-Fed Eurovisioning it up around a house in different costumes. It's weird.

Tonight's loser got 35 million votes in the season's entirety. That's a lot of dialing, y'all. Vonzell is our Number One Goat because even though she made Randy feel proud and Paula magical, Simon's right. Similarly, Carrie is the obvious first Sheep, even though she made Randy feel "off" and made Paula feel: nothing. You know what I feel? Unsurprised by this whole paragraph. Bo was a "true rock star" and "incredible," and A-Fed was "impressive" and "did his best job yet," and Simon opted out basically on both, and you know where they go. This is so non-suspenseful. �For now! Scott and Constantine are left on the couch for the break. Man. That's like my least favorite couch ever. I want to beat it up!

Scott and Constantine get fake Huffed, and it's radically revealing of stuff we already know: Constantine joins the Sheep, but is dorky and self-conscious about it, Scott lumbers over to the Sheep with his cosmic-sized entitlement in hand, and Vonzell and Anthony bust out, because this sucks for them hilariously. And because they are cool. Everybody in America laughs because Scott is stupid and deluded and they want to see his brains extruded. Carrie doesn't know what the hell to do with her face, because she can't be happy right now, but everybody's laughing, so it's confusing.

Ryan leads the group to make fun of Scott for being retarded and discarded, but it's a fast one indeed that he is pulling, because Constantine's mistaken, and is in reality a Goat. He gives the hair quite a workout as he makes his way over across, and his co-Goats continue to giggle about the rich pageantry of it all. Say what you like, but I can't imagine either of them doing a pathetic stunt-bitch about this show later. You know? Eliminate them -- or even Carrie, in the world of make-believe -- and they'd be like, "What a fun time I have had in L.A. I will bring home t-shirts for my family." The end. None of this half-naked Jim Verraros makeover hissing and spitting.

Carrie now looks like somebody killed her dog and then dumped her and then burned her copy of Dirty Dancing, all on her birthday. She will look this way for the remainder: lost and confused and bummed and quiet and hurt. Randy doesn't know why the hell this is happening, Ryan spells the word "wow" for us, and then Simon mentions something interesting: Scott's getting 6-8 million votes a night, and that's good enough to keep him in. This week, he did better than three other people, and that freaks me out. The top three all have fan bases that would vote insanely for them if they went up there and sang Pootie Tang's smash hit single, "_____," and I thought Constantine had that same fan base, but not so much. But like, Scott does, though. You know?

Vonzell's safe, so it�'s Constantine and A-Fed on the Seal. They both look freaked, and I'm sad, because I hate Constantine and little A-Fed, I don't know why the hell he�s here, but I'm sad he's clearly leaving. But then, you see, suddenly he's not, and Constantine has been eliminated.

Everyone is freaked out. Like, Bo's band is freaked out. Paula ages, seriously, eight years in the moment this occurs. She blabbers, and not the usual, but an honestly shocked and freaked- out and hurt kind. He's pretty gracious about it, as I expected. Although his Video Journey is a point-by-point mnemonic device for why this turn of events should be celebrated, I'm not�happy. I am not anything. I am shocked. It's like whoa.

Paula's in total meltdown, the Idols keep noticing the cameras catching their total freak out and trying to get it together, and then Ryan steps all over the beginning of the sing-out, because of how the song works. Carrie sings along with him like a little kid and it's sad, and Scott is just openly laughing about his good fucking fortune. This song still sucks, but then we have a problem, because in the audience, Paula has climbed up on the table and is yelling encouragement and support at his mom, and the two do that thing with the foreheads touching and tears everywhere, and like, that's his mom, you know?

It's all very dramatic and you know what it's like, it's like when Kelly won, the first year, and it was mind-blowing and a large-scale occurrence and the glitter and the tickertape and the lights going crazy and everybody going crazy and you cried because some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this? Only this is the complete inverse. It's not the fact that he'll be gone, I'm fine with that. It's the event of his leaving. History does not record my reaction to this event, dear reader. But it is not at all what I expected.

Ryan kinda-sorta reveals that George wasn't originally in the final thirty-two. One person "dropped out" ("was arrested for alleged drunken driving") and George was brought back as an alternate. Where was George when they called him to come back? George starts to tell the story, insisting that he's not going to cry. I bet the music producers who deal with the winner after show was over were really hoping George would land the title. He's just so happy go be here, he'd probably agree to record an album of Nazi eugenics anthems. George was at his apartment at Oklahoma University (shout-out to O.U.! George does, not me. I personally believe that all Oklahomans should be sterilized [that was a joke; please don't email me]). He got a call, and he didn't answer because he was tired from work. Somebody from the show left a message for him. George got all "Oh my Lord!", as he does. This staff member that George says he's not allowed to identify for some unexplained reason (it's Hitler) told George they want him back on the show. George thought it was for the Wild Card round, but no. But hey, he got to come back for the Wild Card anyway. Ryan toolishly makes George do that "Oh Lord!" thing again. He has a reason, though; he points out that George sounds like Little Richard when he does that. Ryan asks George how he feels about performing onstage, and then supplies on his behalf that he's grateful. I swear to God, if Ryan would just learn to shut up after he asks the first half of his questions, his interviewing skills would improve drastically. George says that the good parts of the competition, and life, outweigh any bad parts. He's happy to share the "gift of song" with America. Well, at least he's not saying that it's his gift to us, like some of the more annoying contestants we've had. He's just saying that music itself is a gift. What's the most challenging thing about the contest? George says that choosing the right song is a bit hard, as we've all experienced for the past couple of weeks.

Oh, let's bring up Jennifer some more! Is this an interview special or a memorial? George became close friends with Jennifer. They met in Pasadena. He loved her big hair. No, really. He hadn't heard her sing. He just loved her for her hair. She thought he was crazy when he first talked to her. I suspect that might happen a lot with George. He's nice, butyou know. Then he heard her sing and went "Oh Lord!" again. He says Jennifer has a great heart and is a wonderful person. George starts to tear up when he talks about her ejection, and mentions that the two of them prayed a lot when George first didn't make it to the final thirty-two and then they prayed to make it to the Wild Card round and then apparently God got out of the tub for just a moment because the two of them were just so loud and then they ended up in the final twelve. Ryan concludes that he'll always remember George's exaggerated facial expressions. The audience cheers.

George is going to sing "Take Me to the Pilot" again, even though he admits he hadn't heard of it prior to that week. So that's probably why diva Elton doesn't like George. Waaaah. Ryan says that there was a "request" that George do The Dip, like there was a possibility he wouldn't. He says he wants the audience to Dip along with him. Yeah, that's likely. For reasons only discernable inside George's rather uncomplicated mind, George decides to start his performance with his back to the audience, pretending he's trapped in an invisible mime box. I don't know. I just don't. Then he turns around and is all, "Oh, there you are!" He heads down into the audience, and it looks like only his family and friends are doing the Dip. There's some other girl who starts doing it, but realizes she looks like an idiot and stops. Oh, and there's Jon Peter Lewis. He's doing the Dip, too, because he's not about to start caring if he looks like an idiot now. George's voice is strong and solid for the song.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for Jasmine Trias, who has fully abandoned the princess look for pop-tartdom for good. She's wearing another one of those shirts that are made of pink necklaces (some princess urges are too hard to resist) all strung together, so it's see-through, over a white shirt and jeans. Isn't this awesome? It totally is! Isn't it, like, so much cooler than just watching? It, like, totally, totally is! It, like, blows my mind! Doesn't everybody just love you? Especially Hawaii? Ohmigod! They totally do! It's just chaos in Hawaii when I go back because everybody loves me. Do they all give you your props in Hawaii? Oh, totally! They all send me letters telling me how cute I am and how much they love me! So what's the deal with ditching the flowers? I thought you and the flowers were BFF? Yeah, well, I thought I'd change it up and stuff. Aren't I much hotter now without it? Hell yeah. So, like, why is your dad always here? Look, there he goes standing up to beg for cheers from the audience. Is he strict? Guh. Yah! I'm so glad, too, because if this doesn't work out, some guys from Bravo said they want to do a documentary about us. Isn't that so awesome?

So, like, isn't it a bummer to be in this big contest and still have to go to school? Yeah, it's so hard! It takes up all that time I could spend sitting around looking cute! Doesn't it suck that the judges hate you now? Do you even listen to them anymore? Yeah, when they say nice things or give me suggestions on how to look cuter, I listen. When they tell me I'm pitchy or aren't trying hard enough, I just think about lip gloss. So do you think you're going to win? I'm going to try very hard and focus and stuff. But even if I don't win, I'm still going to be prettier than everybody else.

Jasmine has selected "Inseparable" to re-perform. She's typically competent and dull. But on pitch. The audience barely cares.

Commercials. My local FOX affiliate has a commercial for a story about a little boy getting head-butted by a sheep.

When we return, it's time for Diana Degarmo, who comes out all overly smiley and waving and creeping me out already. She's wearing a black see-through top that allows us to see a stomach that we really shouldn't be seeing, and jeans. Lengthy, stupid Ryan question rewritten: Are you having fun in the contest? You look so poised. Yeah, like a pageant contestant. Diana says she's been doing this stuff all her life, and she loves it. She says she lives, eats, and breathes music. Unfortunately, it does look like she's snacking on a few whole notes just before bed. I normally wouldn't be so critical (ha! Right), but when you're going to decide to show off your torso, you better try to find out how many carbs are in a crappy pop song. How does she feel when somebody says mean things about her? She says it hurts, because her "performance" is like her child, and nobody likes it when somebody calls their child ugly. So you just have to ignore it. And then cry in your pillow all night. How does she psych herself up for the performances? Industrial Light and Music defrags all the drives and clears out all the clutter, allowing her to focus on the singing. She says "Mr. Dean," the catty hair guy (like there's any other kind), gave her a mantra: "I love the audience, and the audience loves me." So she's using denial to prepare for performances.

So what about Mom? Is she going to be joining Jasmine's dad in that Bravo documentary? Diana says her mom has been really "supportive" ("pushy and demanding") and has "given up so much" ("is living vicariously through me"). Diana's a teenager. What about prom? Prom is coming up! If you don't go to prom, you'll never have the experience of having all your high school expectations end in a sort of vague disappointment when you discover that it really is just a dance. She says she went last year, so she already knows that it's boring. But she has a date lined up, just in case she's home for it this time. If she can't make it back, he's got a "backup date." Heh. Really, he's just her friend anyway, so it wasn't like there were expectations. Man, I think I was Diana's prom date in high school. Does Diana feel like she's missing out on anything at all? Not really. She's gone to public school and birthday parties, so she's had the whole gamut of human experience. She's ready to be isolated from the real world in that crazy, shimmering bubble of celebrity. She says that it's okay if she misses the rest of high school, because she's attended about half of it. Yo, kids! Stay in school! Unless you want to be a star. Then it's okay to drop out. Everyone's just going to be jealous of you anyway and say catty things in the cafeteria. Is Diana ready to be a star? Yes. Yes, she is.

Diana's going to re-perform "Think." She dances her way through the audience, and I swear I don't think I'm really reading into this, but the audience seems rather uncomfortable around her. Their smiles are as fake as hers is. She throws in the requisite "Come on"s and other stupid little comments. She points out Jon, who obviously doesn't like her. She goes to dance to some pretty young women who I swear are embarrassed to be seen with her. The girl to her is clearly wearing this "Can you believe this fake little pageant girl is dancing to me?" facial expression of barely contained horror. Gee, I wonder why Diana might be so quick to get out of school.

Commercials. Psssssst. Producers of The Jury. If you're looking for an interesting case to adapt for your show, check out California v. Ronald Isom for murder. It's about to have its fourth trial after three hung juries.

When we return, it's time for LaToya London. She comes out in a pretty blue sun dress with floral patterns and a pink flower on her bosom (mood: not Jasmine). LaToya's been married for two years and has two stepchildren, ages thirteen and eight. How much time does she get with her family? None, she says sadly. Realizing that doesn't exactly send viewers the message that this is what she wants to do with her life, she builds up a little bit of vocal energy and explains that she does get to see her family when they can come out. But her husband can't make it because the people he works for are assholes. But he was out there last week, so they're only mostly assholes. How's he doing with the kids without her? LaToya points out that they're his kids in the first place, and he was raising them before they ever got together. Doesn't she know that men are supposed to be helpless with kids? What kind of horrible message is she sending? Suggesting that men should be responsible, too. That's crazy. Ridiculously long and stupid Ryan question shortened: "What does your husband say about your performances?" She says he can't believe it's really her up there. Ryan brings up the whole thing about LaToya being the "stealth" candidate, and I'm just going to skip most of this crap, because it supposes that it was a decision by LaToya not to be noticed, as opposed to a decision by the show not to feature her. She says that she's reserved, and her personality comes out depending on the situation. She says she's calm and can't pretend to be emotional.

What about the night she was in the bottom three with Fantasia and Jennifer? Yes, it's being brought up again. She says that it's just "life." There are good times, and there are bad times. She blathers that you just have to "roll with it." When this world turns its back on you, hang in and do the sweet things you do. She was happy with her performances and that's all that matters. How does she prepare for her performances? She practices. This is just the worst interview, ever. He doesn't know how to ask an interesting question, and she doesn't know how to say anything interesting. Is she aware of how her life is going to change? Yes. She's going to be busy. All those red carpets need to be posed on and such. She says that once the competition is over, she'll be able to spend more time with her family. Entertainers around the world laugh bitterly in their cocktails while watching the show in a bar in Dulles Airport. Ryan congratulates her for making it so far in the contest.

LaToya has chosen to re-perform "Somewhere" tonight. She stands in a spotlight and belts. She's good. She does have some personality in her performance, but I still feel a bit bored with her. I don't know. I don't think the interview did her any favors. She really didn't have anything of interest to say. Of course, Ryan didn't ask her anything of interest, but, well, she could have planned an interesting story in advance or something.

After she's done, Ryan reminds us that we're voting for these folks. Assuming you're voting or whatever. Also, here are some clips of how these folks reacted in the confessional after being invited to Hollywood. LaToya "Woooo!"s. George is excited. Gah! The fuzzy pink beret! I find it amazing that Diana is a lot less grating now than she used to be, given how grating she still is. Jasmine says Simon said she looked to old for her age. "But whatever," she dismissively responds. She's not old, she's cute! Like, pretty and stuff! George promises Simon he's going to stop sounding like an old man. Instead, he's going to sound like a man with infected tonsils. Fantasia says she thought she was going to have trouble with Simon, but she didn't. Fantasia is wearing almost the same outfit LaToya was. Weird. The only things Diana remembers of Simon's comments were that she was too nice and smiled too much. Sigh. Fantasia "Woooo!"s.

Back on the stage, Ryan reminds us to vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Your favorites can't win if you don't vote. We can't continue to be a media phenomenon if you don't vote. We can't overcome certain devoted fan bases if more people don't vote. So vote!