Tuesday. Ryan tells us there are five contestants left and we get to vote on them. Also, the sky is blue, and two plus two equals four.
Credits. Ryan "Innuendo" Seacrest heads out to the Seal in a black outfit with the velveteen jacket. I just want to throw those Velcro balls from those "dartboard" games you buy for children so they don't try throwing actual darts at him. Ryan insists that there wasn't a dry eye in the house last week when John Stevens was finally eliminated. Well, I don't think I was laughing that hard. I'm not entirely evil. The same can't be said for the show's producers, who waited until he was gone for good before bringing in the big band theme.
Ryan introduces the judges, insulting Simon "It's a Hard Life" Cowell by saying he has a big head (see, because it's big band night). Paula "I'm Going Slightly Mad" Abdul appears to have dipped her face in Krispy Kreme glaze, perhaps to keep her overdone make-up from rubbing off. Also, it looks like she might be covering up a bruise on her right cheek, perhaps as a result of the universe trying to slap some sense into her. She's wearing a giant white silk flower/bow combo in her hair (mood: [insert Daffy Duck laughter here]). Randy "Radio Ga Ga" Jackson still loves himself a lot more than everybody else does.
A clip show about big band and swing music reminds us that silly dancing has been around for quite a while, long before that Wade Robson guy showed up. A lot of grainy black and white clips get some much needed airing. Duke Ellington! Tommy Dorsey! Benny Goodman! Then the cult of personality took over music (a turn from which we've never recovered), and the singers became more famous than the folks responsible for the music. Frank Sinatra! Dean Martin! Tony Bennett! They sang songs that are still loved nostalgically by the old and ironically by the young.
Once again, we'll be blowing through the pointless [product-placed cola] interviews before the performances. Ryan asks stupid questions to the kids in Pimp Central with the help of the monitor. He asks Fantasia how the performances are going to work tonight. She explains that they'll be singing two songs tonight, one that means a lot to them, and one they get to have fun with. What's the deal with Ryan making Fantasia do his job? Lazy-ass monkey boy. She says she thought big band would be tough for her, but says John sat her down and "gave her the ropes." So she managed to work in yet another shout-out to an ejected contestant. Does Diana think it's going to be tough? She says it will be challenging because she, unlike John, isn't all that aware of this type of music. A tiny little piece of Music's soul dies. Is George excited about the band? Yes. Yes he is! He's also excited about cats, Belgium, frittatas and the color green. And everything else, too. Speaking of the band, there is indeed a big one here tonight. Ryan has them play for a few seconds. Ah, a brief shining moment of competence before all the mediocrity.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan wastes little time (other than to remind us that we're voting for people) before introducing Diana "Under Pressure" Degarmo to sing "Someone to Watch Over Me." Will this someone she's longing to meet perhaps be Carson Kressley of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? She may have to wait a little bit, because I think he had a stroke after seeing the dress Diana is wearing. Somebody took a shiny bluish-purple curtain from a convention center booth, added some white lace trim, and made a dress out of it. An ugly dress. In case we aren't clear. It's not just the color and type of fabric that's unflattering; it's also sleeveless and too short. I really want the person who created that dress to have to explain to the world what the hell he or she was thinking. Diana's rendition of the song fall less under the mood of "wistful" and more under "begging," or possibly "demanding." She's a bit too loud, and a bit too rough in parts. But she is getting a little bit better with the emotional connections. So maybe if we all keep treating her like crap, she will eventually become a great performer. And develop a severe drinking and drug abuse problem.
They're not splitting up the two performances from the kids as they've done in seasons. Instead, the kids show us what it will be like when we eventually see them as a Vegas lounge act and engage in some awkward audience patter. Diana chipperly tells the audience that they rock, and gives them a thumbs-up. She says she sang that song for her grandfather because it's one of his favorites. Then she gives a shout-out to her brother and all the folks in the Army and thanks them for "watching over us." Pavlov's Dawgs applaud. She tells them they're not going to stay sad, though, because if people want that they can switch over to CNN and then go fetal on the living room floor, not that I've done such a thing. She's going to sing a happy song , by one of her favorites, Judy Garland. And that song would be "Get Happy." Oh, that is a fun song. Let's look at a verse: "We're headin' 'cross the river. / Gonna wash our sins in the tide. / It's all so peaceful / on the other side." Happy! It doesn't matter that the song has references to Judgment Day in it. It's called "Get Happy," so it must be happy and not subtextually suicidal! Man, good thing she didn't dedicate this one to the troops. She orders Pavlov's Dawgs to their feet. She beauty-pageant smarms her way across the stage, singing about how God is waiting to take your hand and how we should all be happy to die because all our troubles will be over. Yay! Okay, I may be overstating the song's intentions just a little bit, but really. The audience claps. She sings with that creepy pageant smile. She wanders over toward the band. Then back to the front of the stage. Her singing is solid and dull.
Judges. Randy reminds us all that he was one of Diana's biggest fans, and he doesn't think her age matters because she's such a great singer. Paula says that Diana looked like a classy young lady on the stage and picked two songs that suited her well. Diana asks Simon if her dress was better, and Simon lets everybody know that he didn't choose that dress, because of that little thing from last week where he promised to go shopping with her. Because it's ugly. I'm sure it makes him miss the red octopus outfit from last week. He says that he agrees that this is the best style of music for her, but he's still bothered by a sixteen-year-old sounding like a fifty-year-old in a competition where they're supposed to be looking for people to sing "contemporary" music. Pavlov's Dawgs boo. Simon insists that the music she's singing tonight bears no relevance to what's happening in music today. Well, yes, but the same holds true for all the contestants, and if that's the case, why did the show even pick the theme? Ryan comes out and gives us her blah blah blah vote-text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan and the zippy Speed Racer captions remind us of the tour. Zoooom! We've got to hurry! We have to be at a stormy weather advisory on a FOX affiliate in Tampa in ten seconds! up is George "A Kind of Magic" Huff, who will be opening his performances with "Cheek to Cheek." George is wearing a classy black suit with a black shirt and a black tie with small white dots. It's a great look, but with his constant smile and exposed teeth, he looks just a little bit like a big band vampire. His singing is the way it is. I'm sure I've probably said this before, but it gets harder and harder to describe the performances as the season winds down, because the folks that are left are generally so consistent that it's hard to find something new to say. I suppose that's what I get for wanting Jon gone. There was always something bizarre to focus on in his performances. Anyway, George is upbeat and a little rough, but good.
He heads over to the piano when he's done as Pavlov's Dawgs cheer. He tells us that his song he's selected is "What a Wonderful World." He picked that song because he thinks it's a wonderful world and he wants everyone to know how great everything is. How very George. If there were a Broadway night, you know he'd pick "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music. He's good on a safe song that's practically a felony to dislike. There really isn't much to say about it. His vocals are a little ragged, but he's mostly good.
Judges. Randy says George picked two great songs, but didn't really do much with them and played it safe. He was hoping that George would "go off" and do something special with them. Paula suddenly sounds like she swallowed her microphone. Or perhaps the sound people are illustrating what the world sounds like when you're in whatever altered state Paula typically may be found. She tells us that George sounded "enchanting." She says she found him to be mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble. Whatever microphone problems she's having makes it impossible to understand what she's saying. Not that we ever do, but now I don't even know what the words are. Simon asks Paula if she's writing the smarmy patter between the songs, because they all sound like her. Heh. Paula asks if that's a bad thing. Simon, in his "you're an idiot" voice, tells her to draw her own conclusions. She starts looking around for a crayon. Simon agrees with Randy. Pavlov's Dawgs boo. He pulls out the cruise ship comparison for George's performances. Pavlov's Dawgs boo. Ryan comes out and gives us George's numbers.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for LaToya "Play the Game" London. She's on the Seal in a pretty orange mini-dress and yet more dream catcher earrings to sing "Too Close for Comfort." It's a good song for her -- the vocals are spot-on and she wails out some good belting toward the end. But once again, there doesn't seem to be much personality in her performance. I can hear it in her voice, but not really in her presentation. She's just sort of standing there. But still, great singing.
After she's done, she thanks the audience and tells them she picked that song because she loves it. Thanks for that illuminating comment. Does anybody pick songs for reasons other than loving them or finding some sort of meaning (no matter how wrong-headed) in them? I'd love one of them to come out and say, "I picked this song because I can sing it way loud and get lots of applause and votes." For some reason LaToya keeps stumbling over a reference to Natalie Cole, even though it sounds like she said it right the first time. Her second song choice is from the musical Funny Girl -- "Don't Rain on My Parade." This performance comes off a little pageant-y to me, too. I have to give penalty marks to any song I can mentally visualize Kathy Lee Gifford singing. She does a great job belting it out, though the last note sounds a little off to me. Overall, two very good performances of easy belting songs. It's not much different from what George did, except her choices were more challenging vocally.
Judges. Randy says that this type of music is what LaToya's meant to sing. Well, that's great, but I'm not sure how that's going to translate to the pop marketplace. Randy seems to think that LaToya's personality came out more during these performances than in the past. Paula says that LaToya's album will sell millions. She says this is the Olympics and LaToya just won a gold medal for note-belting. Simon says that he means it as a compliment when he tells LaToya that she's got a very good Broadway voice. Because she's not a guy, because guys aren't supposed to hold notes and stuff like that. Ryan heads out and gives us LaToya's numbers
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Jasmine "I Want It All" Trias. Well, at least all the other contestants made a little bit of effort to dress for the theme. Jasmine just stopped by after her trip to the Galleria in her jeans and green top and tacky little chains attached to her beltline in spots. She's sitting on the stage to steal "The Way You Look Tonight" from John now that he's gone. Oh, Lord. The sleeves of her top have huge slits in them, causing the fabric to hang down and allowing everybody to see Jasmine's yellow bra. Classy. She's wearing a green and white flower as a barrette tonight (mood: confused). Diana really does now have more personality than Jasmine. Good work with the programming there, Industrial Light and Music. Jasmine is just this bland, singing cipher. Her voice is fine. At least she's not warbling around and falling off-pitch tonight.
She thanks everybody and dedicates the song to her friends and family "back home." She didn't even say Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee! I guess that last check from the department of tourism bounced or something. Her song is a jazzed up version of "It's Almost Like Being in Love" from Brigadoon. You know, we practically are having a Broadway night. This is an upbeat number, so she shuffles her way around the stage like a chicken. Her vocals are still strong, and she manages to get a little more personality in this time. But it's another one of those songs where Kathy Lee Gifford's scary head starts floating up on my television and singing in her place. In my mind, I mean. I'm not hallucinating. I don't want to step on Paula's turf. And Jasmine's last note isn't very good.
Judges. Randy says it was "a-ight." He doesn't think it was really wild. Like George, he was hoping she'd bust out with something powerful. Paula thinks Jasmine has really grown, and asks her if she ever thought she'd be performing in front of a band. No, it's, like, this big opportunity! Simon says he disagrees with Paula. He doesn't think Jasmine has really grown. He thinks she's been very consistent, and her safe performances have made her vulnerable. He says there was nothing to get excited about. Her singing was predictable. Pavlov's Dawgs boo. Jasmine thinks about lip gloss. Ryan comes out and, before giving Jasmine's numbers, blathers on at Randy at what he means when he says he's looking for something big. Paula childishly interrupts that Randy and Simon should get up on stage and sing. Randy and Simon even get up like they're going to, but of course they don't. Ryan gives Jasmine's numbers.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Fantasia "Now I'm Here" Barrino. Her first song for the night will be Queen's "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Uh. Okay. I think it's a cute choice, honestly. No, it's not from the big band era, but it has a big band sound. I'm just wondering where she got the idea to do this song instead of the typical standards. And thinking about it, I'm surprised there hasn't been a musical about Queen yet. And then I just did a Google check, and apparently there was, called We Will Rock You, but I had never heard of it. I'm a bad, bad gay. Apparently, it didn't do well. Anyway, Fantasia is dressed in a black vest and slacks, with thirty-five gold necklaces, and does pretty well with the song. There are a couple of enunciation issues ("He leaves me in a poo-poo sweat.") and she's a little on the shrill side of her vocals (If you don't like Fantasia: Oh, is there a side to her vocals that isn't shrill?). Her last note isn't very good. But there's only one "Yeah!" at the end this time. Overall, it was okay, but not stellar.
After she's done, she sits on a drinking fountain stool and says the song reminds her of her brother, because he drives her crazy. And he gives blowjobs to sailors in his dressing room. Just kidding. Since we know the kids were told to pick a song that is meaningful to them, you know what's coming , right? Right? Her second choice is a song that reminds her of -- anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Her daughter, Zion, of course. The song is Barbra Streisand's "What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life?" (although Frank Sinatra sang it, too). It's an obsessive love song, so I'm not exactly sure what I make of her singing it to her daughter. Maybe Fantasia's going to get all Stage Mom with li'l Zion if she doesn't make it herself. This is a much better song than her upbeat number. There's just something about the way Fantasia presents ballads that's different from the other women in the competition. I think that although her complete lack of an emotional filter causes her to come off poorly at times, it certainly works well for her during her singing. Maybe if she only sang and never did any interviews, she wouldn't be such a polarizing character. But that wouldn't be nearly as much fun for me. Anyway, great voice; emotional, slightly melancholy belting.
Judges. Randy says Fantasia just sang one of his favorite songs of all time. I think these judges have about seventy "favorite songs of all time" between the three of them. He says that she's brilliant and has great tone. Uh-oh, the Botox is leaking out of Paula's face. Oh, she's crying. Puh-leeze. I like Fantasia and all, but please. Oh, good God. I didn't catch this before, but apparently Paula has put some sort of wrap on her manicure infection bandage that has rhinestones to match her outfit. That's just hysterical. She pays that much attention to her outfits and she still looks hideous. Simon says it's clear that Fantasia and LaToya are in a different league from the other contestants. Fantasia thanks Simon as Ryan comes out to give her numbers. We get a final clip show (oh man, I didn't need that reminder about Diana's dress), and since we have time to burn, Ryan asks Randy and Paula to build on Simon's comments about Fantasia and LaToya being better than everybody else. Paula is alternately laughing and crying like a complete crazy lady. Someday they're going to find her wandering around Burbank wearing just a sheet and declaring that she's Aphrodite. Randy agrees with Simon, but adds Diana to the list as well. Paula, of course, refuses to rank anybody and said she enjoyed everything. When she goes to a bagel shop, she orders one of everything because she's afraid the blueberry bagels will think she likes the others better. Ryan urges all to vote and says that if we don't, "it's like stealing." Excuse me? I'm paying for watching this show every week with tiny pieces of my soul. Also: What the hell?
Wednesday. The Melodramatic Announcer is on vacation in Florida. ("Only one theme park will make the cut. Which one is destined to sell me a three-day pass? And which one will be cast out and ignored, visited only by local retirees, looking for something to occupy their time before they die? Stay tuned to find out!")
Ryan greets us on the stage in another black outfit. God help me, but I like his jacket. He reminds us of the point of the show and of the existence of the finalists, and of the judges as well. We get a clip show of last night's performances. Somehow, I think they've managed to squeeze the entire show into this segment. There isn't even narration over most of it. I wonder if they all got tired of the annoying medleys and decided to kill them off. It's easier to recap, but it does kind of eliminate a chunk of the campy awfulness. Instead, Ryan is going to ask more dumb questions. Did Jasmine realize these goodbyes would become so emotional? Has Jasmine ever become emotional about any of the goodbyes on this show? She says, like, it gets hard because everybody's so close, you know? Fantasia's performance reduced Paula to tears. How'd she do that? Oh, Ryan. Paula cries when the supermarket is out of her favorite type of cheese. She's probably crying about something or other as I'm writing this. Fantasia just says that she "felt the song" and she thinks that if you feel the song, somebody listening might feel the same way and react.
Time for a [product-placed car] commercial. The kids all ride down a suburban street in a [product-placed minivan], singing "Boogie Wonderland." The people they meet along the street as they're driving by spontaneously start dancing. There's a mailman, some boy in a bicycle, a gardener, a break-dancing "grandmother," and apparently Jack Black with a garden hose. The kids all look in horror and flee from the crazy neighborhood as fast as their little [product-placed minivan] can take them.
Commercials. The tour information zooms by again when we return. I don't know why they do that, since it's just saying the same thing Ryan is, and it's showing up on closed captions as well. Anyway, all five kids are standing up on the Seal with their brittle and/or vacuous smiles. Ryan says he's going to identify the two with the fewest votes. Eventually. First, blather. He tells Diana to step forward, then reads the judges comments to her. Then he tells her to step back. He does the same for the other four contestants. You put the fame whore in. You take the fame whore out. You put the fame whore in. And you screw his mind a lot. The stepping forward and back had no actual purpose.
Commercials. Again. Already. This is my favorite results show ever because absolutely nothing is happening. I've decided that the studio responsible for Van Helsing is in a battle with the studio responsible for Troy to decide who can produce the worst movie that will still draw an audience by having really, really attractive stars.
When we return, let's do some more Hokey Pokey. Ryan tells Diana to step forward. Then he orders LaToya to step forward. LaToya is smiling because she's figured out she's safe. Sure enough, Ryan then orders Fantasia to step forward and tells them that they're all safe. That means either George or Jasmine is getting the boot. As the safe ones head back to the Sofas of Relief, George and Jasmine step forward. Judges' comments? Simon says the same thing he said last night. So he thinks the voting is correct. Paula says bunnies are cute! Well, what she actually says isn't any more relevant. Randy also agrees with the vote.
Since there was no awful medley tonight, there's time to have George and Jasmine sing again. George sings "Armpit to Armpit." Oh, I'm sorry -- it's "Cheek to Cheek." See, George is wearing this tan shirt and, well, apparently it's very, very absorbent. The sweat stains look like tiny oases on his sand-colored shirt. He sings well, again, and tosses in a little scat. Jasmine sings "The Way You Look Tonight," and I check the forums while waiting for the boring to be over. She even sits on the stage the same way she did last night.
Commercials. I think I have seen about thirty-five commercials for the season finale for The O.C. during the breaks for these two episodes.
When we return, Ryan reveals that they'll no longer be able to screw with George's head anymore. He got the fewest votes and has been ejected. He smiles and gives Jasmine a great big hug, because he just loves everybody and everything. Or maybe he's trying to wipe his pit stains off on her. He smiles. Everybody gives him a standing O. In his You're Not Dead, But Here's a Sad Piano Anyway Clip Show, George smiles a lot. They manage to plug in Ryan's interview with George on Monday explaining how he got to the final thirty-two after getting dropped in Pasadena. Funny how that worked out. They show Simon calling him one of the backline members of the Temptations, and subsequently taking it back. George dances. He does the Dip. Simon tells him he's not aware of how good a singer he actually is. He tells us this is the happiest he's ever been in his life. Well, I do find it difficult to imagine George being even happier about almost everything than he's been on this show.
Back on the stage, George thanks everybody for the support. Before letting George sing us out with "What a Wonderful World," Ryan warns us that they'll be butchering disco songs week with Donna Summer as a guest judge, so we can all look forward to Jasmine and Diana smiling blankly through songs about prostitution. Yay!