Miami Ow Machine

This recap is dedicated to Jennifer Hudson. Without her presence, I find myself drinking until I fall asleep and waking up crying. I can't find the energy to go to work, and they're threatening to fire me. I don't bathe. I don't eat. I can barely find a reason to go on living.

It's nice to finally have something to blame it on.

Tuesday. Ryan Seacrest snatches away The Incredibly Ridiculous Fake Heartbeat of Attempting to Produce Tension from the Melodramatic Announcer; he voices over a reminder of what the point of the whole show is as we see the six remaining finalists up on the Seal. The show resists the urge to have Ryan tell us outright that a vote for John is a vote for evil.

Credits. Ryan heads out onstage in another bad outfit, a beige leisure suit with a black dress shirt. He looks like the world's tiniest bouncer at a trendy club. He "thanks" the public for all the angry responses the show has gotten over Jennifer's ejection. Aww. Welcome to the fan wars. There's beer in the fridge and nachos on the kitchen counter. It's nice to have company. Ryan deliberately pauses after mentioning Jennifer's ouster so that Pavlov's Dawgs can boo, and so he can then whine that it's not his fault. It's not like the show went out of its way to portray John Stevens as a nice young man with a sweet family that so many people can identify with in this rather nasty social environment these days, and then turned around and said people should ignore that shit and vote for talent or anything. Right? Ryan says some guy from Ohio suggested Ryan shove a microphone stand up his ass. Ryan, he was probably just flirting. Ryan points out that the results are due to our vote, or perhaps we didn't vote at all, because we "felt no need." Yeah, that's me. Except I didn't care, either, so my desire to shove a mike stand up Ryan's ass has nothing to do with Jennifer's ejection. ["I'm going to assume for the sake of my sanity that it wasn't because you were flirting, either." -- Sars]

Ryan reveals that the kids tonight will be performing the songs of Gloria Estefan tonight. Eeeh. I'm ashamed to admit that I was a big fan of Miami Sound Machine when I was in high school. I thought they were awesome. It was partly because there was a drummer or keyboarder (I'm old -- can't remember) who played shirtless in one of the videos. Ah, puberty. Oh, and I had this bizarre fantasy about juggling torches to "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" as performed in the half-time show by the school marching band. No, there is no explanation for it. I can't even juggle. Anyway, enough of the Joel Stein moments. Ryan introduces Simon Cowell by saying he's wearing "Cuban heels." I have no idea what Cuban heels are. Ryan just keeps out-gaying me at every turn. Ryan says Paula Abdul has the best cha-cha outside of Miami. For some reason that sounded grossly inappropriate. Paula appears to be wearing the background computer text from the advertising campaign for The Matrix as a top. Ryan concludes that Randy Jackson has more rhythm than a five-mile conga line. And worse dress sense. He's wearing a floral print shirt that looks like my grandmother's furniture.

So why would they pick a theme of music that's been out of style for years? Why, because they got the singer as a judge, of course. Ryan introduces Gloria out onstage. She looks as lovely as she always has in a simple black pantsuit. Pavlov's Dawgs give her the requisite standing ovation. Ryan asks her if she's ready to judge. She's not. She's not going to "judge" the kids. She says she's just there to root for them and smile. Well, thanks for wasting everybody's time, then. She might as well have just said, "I'm just here for the publicity." Or maybe she doesn't want a mike stand shoved up her ass. In her clip show, Ryan refers to her as the "reigning queen of Latin pop." She and her family fled Cuba when she was a child. A cavalcade of really, really regrettable outfits informs us that Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine hit the scene in the mid-'80s. Although when I see those back-up dancers in black mesh shirts, it reminds me that pop fashion hasn't changed all that much. The hair is just a little better. Gloria was later critically injured in a tour bus crash in 1990. Doctors said she might never walk again. But she did. She's sold more than 70 million albums worldwide. We see the kids practicing with her. She tells them all that she watches the show with her daughter. Jasmine tells us how cool and awesome and stuff it was to have Gloria around. She's still not wearing a flower in her hair (mood: not applicable). George says it was a privilege to work with her. John spits on the floor and says Gloria's a dumb bitch whose best days were, like, twenty years ago. Fantasia says something bland about the greatness of it all. Gloria says something bland about them all being remotely interesting.

We return to the stage to find Gloria seated between Randy and Paula. Ryan tells us that in addition to having Gloria around, they've sent the Great Unknown off to the great unknown and have the Miami Sound Machine there to play back-up. I see no shirtlessness, which is probably a good thing, as these guys seem to have aged about as well as I have. Then he introduces us to the kids through the monitor, because they're still hanging out in Pimp Central. Fantasia pretends to be yanking Jasmine around. John flips a bird at the camera. Oh, we're doing our [product-placed cola] stupid question segment at the beginning again. Was it hard to prepare this week? Yes. Jasmine, what is it like to perform these songs in front of Gloria? Okay, she's responsible for "Bad Boys," not "Pictures at an Exhibition." A little perspective, please. Jasmine says it's a little intimidating. To sing before somebody who said she's going to root for them no matter how much they suck. I'd be quaking in my boots. Quaking! Fantasia and Jasmine keep pushing each other. I wonder if they're really playing or not. Ryan asks Fantasia if they're all going to "move" tonight. Fantasia says that LaToya's the one with all the moves. Ryan asks everyone who the best dancer is. Most of them point to LaToya. LaToya points to John, and everybody laughs because of the NOT! effect. Jasmine points to herself.

The first contestant tonight is Fantasia Barrino. We get clips of the contestants working with Gloria. Fantasia will be singing "Get on Your Feet." I bet Diana's pissed she didn't the song that essentially tells people to "come on!" as part of the title. Fantasia loves that Gloria does all this stuff and is a mom, too. Because, you know, she's got a kid too. She reminds us that she was in the bottom three last week when American temporarily turned evil or whatever, but she's not giving up. She's not going to let it get to her.

Ryan introduces Fantasia to the stage in a white dress with patterns of aqua and yellow. She immediately declares that this performance is "for Jennifer." So I guess her decision to forego a bra is some sort of protest? Is her bouncing bosom intended to remind us of Jennifer's energetic personality? If you like Fantasia: This is one of her upbeat performances. She bounces around the stage (multiple meanings there) and has a lot of fun. The song doesn't have particularly strong vocals to it, so really it's just all personality. She (and by "she," I mean "the show's producers") gets Pavlov Dawgs on their feet and waving their arms.

If you don't like Fantasia: All she's doing is yelling and screeching. Is there going to be any singing? The band isn't entirely helpful. This one backup singer is so off-key she sounds like she's perhaps performing a different song entirely. And one shout-out to Jennifer is okay, but tossing one in the middle of the song? Please. They didn't shoot her into space after she got ejected. Get a grip. At least Fantasia doesn't end with the "yeah, yeah, yeah"s this time, though seeing her flail her arms around in some impromptu dance move that looks like a flamingo attempting sign language isn't much better.

Judges. Randy says it was a great "performance," but he didn't really feel like her vocals were that strong this week. Pavlov's Dawgs boo. Fantasia responds that she had a good time. Gloria says she hasn't heard Fantasia sing a wrong note this whole competition. Paula says "it's not always about what note you hit," and then just explodes out of sheer hypocrisy, spraying the audience with Botox and bullshit. That damned fingernail infection or whatever it was has taken what little is left of her brain. Whatever. Shut it. Stupid woman. Simon says he's going to agree with Randy, and pauses for Pavlov's Dawgs to boo. He politely tells them to cram it. He turns back to Fantasia to give some of her non-fans on the forums a shout-out by saying she sounded a little like a cartoon character -- Donald Duck on helium. She jokes that people tell her she looks like Bugs Bunny. Eh? As the theme music cranks up, we hear Simon say that she's more like Jessica Rabbit. Uh. That's even more inappropriate than his flirting with Christina Christian in the first season. Or maybe he's just referring to her boobs being about to pop out. Whichever. Ryan comes out and gives us Fantasia's numbers.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for George Huff. In his interview, George says, "First it was Elton John, now it's Gloria Estefan. It gets a little better." Oh, I think George and Elton hate each other. What's up with that? Well, at least Elton got a mention. Poor Barry Manilow is completely forgotten. I can't say I blame George. He says Gloria is really nice. She taught him a little samba move to try and give him something else to do besides the Dip. We probably shouldn't take it as a positive sign that he quickly abandons it and goes back to doing the Dip during his rehearsals.

Ryan introduces George to the stage to sing "Live for Loving You." He's wearing a cream-colored jacket, a gray shirt, and jeans. This is yet another bad song choice for him. It's pretty much out of his range, so it's been brought down a bit to accommodate him, and doing so makes it sound very monotonous. And we've got high-speed Dip action going on here. I wonder if it helps him stay thin or something? The Worst Backup Singer in the Free World sabotages his performance as well. His singing actually isn't all that bad, but her dreadfully flat additions just make him sound even worse. And that frozen smile is beginning to creep me out. When we see it on girls, we always know that it's a pageant influence, but what is it on George?

Judges. Randy blathers on about Latin music and dancing and energy and whatever. I think he says pretty much the same thing he said about Fantasia. Good performance, but less than stellar vocals. Gloria loves George's personality and thinks he did a great job. Paula just starts giggling like the crazy woman she is, and then mentions that Simon is tickling her. We can see that Simon's hands are in his lap, so I'm not exactly sure what he's tickling her with, and if you'll excuse me, I need to go throw up now. She thinks George was great, and babbles about his dancing. Simon compliments Gloria's band. He continues on that if this were the first time he had seen George perform, he would be amazed to find out he made it to the final twelve. He says the performance was amateurish. Pavlov's Dawgs boo. Ryan comes out to give George's numbers, but once again presses Simon to explain what "amateurish" means. Dude, if you have to explain to a performer what "amateurish" is, then there's no salvaging him or her. Simon "explains" that George's performance was as good as Ryan's presenting skills. We would have also accepted "interviewing skills" as an effective comeback. Ryan gives us George's numbers.

Commercials. The only thing that surprises me about somebody making an uber-disaster movie that combines every natural disaster under the sun is that it didn't happen sooner.

When we return, Ryan's up at the judging table pointing out that Paula and Simon are getting all flirty with each other. Gloria jokes that she and Randy are going to have to start going at it to compete. Now there's a visual. ["{Brrrralph!}" -- Sars] up is LaToya London. Now I'm kind of feeling bad about not putting that space in her name all this time because I'm clearly wrong. Oh well. The season's more than halfway over. She'll just have to cope. She practices "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" with Gloria. LaToya tells us that the audience hasn't really seen her dance yet. She and Gloria fiddle around a bit until Gloria jokes that one of her boobs are going to put out one of Michael Orland's eyes. LaToya concludes by saying she loves the rhythm and the instruments of the song and she intends to "get down" tonight.

Ryan introduces LaToya to the stage for her performance. She's wearing a pretty red dress with spaghetti straps and dream-catchers as earrings. I'm not exaggerating there, either. They're miniature dream-catchers. The band starts off with the "ah-way-ah-oh-wah"s for her. The Worst Backup Singer In the Galaxy continues to suck. LaToya dances around well. Although perhaps she shouldn't have shown off her armpits as much, because it looks as though sheuhdidn't get quite as close a shave as she should have. Her skin might just be naturally darker there. I can't quite tell, and honestly if I were to actually freeze-frame to look more closely, I would have no other choice than to down an entire box of sleeping pills. Like Fantasia's song choice, this is just a song to twirl around with and barely sing. LaToya sounds better at it, though. And she dances better, too, although I think the show piped in some audience screaming when she started throwing out some moves. It's a twirl, not a triple Lutz. Overall, it's kind of bleah, but better than Fantasia's performance.

Judges. Randy says LaToya looked amazing, and her experience of performing with a band helped her out. He thinks the performance was good, but he wasn't "wowed." Gloria says that when she saw LaToya in the auditions, she didn't know that she (meaning Gloria) was going to be there, but she knew that LaToya would. I find that statement hysterical, because LaToya is the only person in the final twelve who was not shown during the auditions. Paula says that she wishes that LaToya had more time to sing. Simon jokes that Paula was saying something else entirely during the performance. Well, I'm sure she probably was, but it was about unicorns and magic crystals and stuff, and it doesn't matter. He says that LaToya needed to toss in a performance like this, because he was afraid that LaToya was going to become boring. Pavlov's Dawgs start to growl, but LaToya agrees with Simon. He says that it wasn't her best performance, but it showed that she can do more than just stand around and sing. Have we forgotten her country performance? Ryan comes out and towers over LaToya as he gives out her numbers. She must be four feet tall.

This week, the kids are all forced to pimp [product-placed sandwich shop] in an in-show commercial. Ah, this reminds me of the far-too-short-lived Grosse Pointe, where the writers were forced to incorporate a plot about said [product-placed sandwich shop] in a script as part of promotional trade. We see a crowd of Very Bad Child Actors standing around with signs supporting the Idols, while their parents harangue the producers just off the set for more screen time. One Very Bad Child Actor whines that he's hungry. The finalists all pull up in a non-product-placed SUV, and they're all wearing [product-placed sandwich shop] uniforms. See, these Very Bad Child Actors are all waiting for the contestants to come serve them sandwiches at [product-placed sandwich shop]. Isn't that hysterical? I'd say that it's prescient, but sadly, I know from bitter, bitter experience that it's just wishful thinking on my part. They don't go away. They never go away. The government needs to develop some sort of massive bomb that leaves buildings and people intact, but sends former reality show participants to another dimension. The kids make sandwiches. There's bad editing. The soda machines have the kids' faces on them. Would you like a nice tall glass of Jasmine? Doesn't that sound gross? Although I suspect that some of the more rabid fans really would like to consume the finalists in some sort of bizarre ritual that would make their beloved singers part of them forever. People caper around and play with utensils. George goes to eat a sub, but the Cutest Little Girl is standing there whining that she doesn't have anything to eat. George hands the sub over to her. Then we hear chainsaw sounds (for real) and see pieces of bread flying around as George looks shocked. Then we cut back to her wiping her chin all cutely. Isn't she cute? You should see how cute she is when she cusses like a sailor and throws her juice boxes at her manager's head on Showbiz Moms & Dads on Bravo.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for John Stevens. In his clip show, we're told that John never showed up for his rehearsals and was found on the men's room floor at "4 Play" in Los Angeles, having passed out in his own vomit. They managed to rouse him, and after a brief struggle during which he bit a production assistant on the leg, they managed to get him over to the methadone clinic before returning to the studio. He complains that he's hung over, and if "this Byrd bitch" doesn't shut up about singing with confidence, he's going "smack her one upside the head." Then he tells us Randy can kiss his "white ass," and knocks the camera away. As it falls to the ground, we hear John order some woman to get him a bottle of Jack Daniel's or he'll "beat [her] so hard, [her] baby will be born with a black eye." Also, he has selected "Music of My Heart" for his song and has dedicated it to his grandmother and he hopes he does a good job.

Ryan reminds us that Gloria originally sang this song with *NSync to make this show feel a little less dated, before introducing John to the stage. John stomps out in a dirty white T-shirt and black jeans, grabs a microphone stand, and starts shrieking out the words in a crazy, angry slur. He throws a water bottle at one of the guitarists from Miami Sound Machine. He drops his pants and grabs his crotch. He shouts "Fuck off!" at Pavlov's Dawgs. He jumps on the judges' table and tries to kick Randy in the head. Security drags him off.

Oh, also. His singing is boring and wretchedly off-key. He sings the entire song as though he's trying to keep the baby from waking up. He has all the personality of an empty Burger King bag (mental note: stop comparing people to the things you find sitting around your desk). He sings the worst held note in the history of the entire show. Worse than Nikki. Worse than Carmen. Worse than Corey. Just the worst.

Judges. Randy chuckles. He knows it sucked. John knows it sucked. Everybody knows it sucked. Randy compliments John's shoes, then tells him the performance was "horrendous." John calls Randy a steaming sack of pus and threatens to stab him. Gloria is also wearing dream-catcher earrings. I didn't notice that before. She says John did his grandmother proud. Paula says that John made a "valiant effort" and she's "proud of him," which means he's got her non-bandaged fingers crossed in the hopes that the voters get rid of him. Simon says that one of the reasons John has done so well in the competition is because he's taken every "bullet thrown at [him] like a man." Well, it's easy to deal with bullets that are thrown at you. It's the ones that come out of guns you need to worry about. He continues on that John and Latin music go together "like chocolate ice cream and an onion." Here is a man who has clearly never watched Iron Chef. The audience laughs at the joke (they're not Pavlov's Dawgs here, because they were probably supposed to boo). Simon tells John that he has absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, and wishes him good luck. Ryan comes out and gives John's numbers. John punches Ryan in the neck and pushes him off the stage.

Commercials. When we return, Ryan tells us that there's going to be another tour to milk every last drop of profit out of these finalists. Simon and Paula are still being all weird and flirty. Ryan compares them to schoolchildren, which is pretty accurate. And also sad, when it's coming from Ryan of all people. up is Jasmine Trias, who zzzzzzzzzzzz. Her stage dad is there at the rehearsals with Gloria. That must be a pain. The flowers appear to be gone for good from Jasmine's hair. She's going for an older, somewhat sexier look, which doesn't really make her seem any less fake, just cheaper. It's not a natural aura of sexiness, just the appearance of it. Jasmine thinks Gloria is just awesome. Gloria thinks Jasmine is just awesome. Though it sounds like Jasmine was having all sorts of pitch problems, which they decide to show to us. Another reminder to reality show contestants to never piss off the tech and editing folks. Not that Jasmine ever did. But if I were on this show, I'd be sending them all gift baskets and booze every week. Jasmine concludes with some babbling that nobody cares about.

Ryan introduces Jasmine to the stage to sing "Here We Are." She's wearing one of those saggy sleeveless tops in black -- this one exposes her torso -- and black capris. Her hair is straightened more than usual, and now she's got it combed down over one eye to make her look more coquette-ish. If that makes any sense. She starts off okay, but then things go terribly wrong and suddenly every other note is off. There's a particularly bad held note at one point that causes me to spontaneously wince and go "Ohhhh" out loud. She's the perfect example of the singers who toss in all that ornamentation to disguise their lack of technical proficiency in the basics of good singing. By the end, she's limping along terribly, barely able to sing anything anywhere near the right pitch.

Judges. Randy says it was a good choice for her, but her performance fell a little short. He thought it was pitchy in spots. Gloria thought it was great. Paula says Jasmine has a "powerhouse" voice with a "pretty tone" to it. Simon says that Gloria is the one who is really coming out well tonight. Gloria takes it as a compliment, not quite realizing (or being too diplomatic to acknowledge) that what Simon is saying is that none of these kids can sing her songs very well. He says that "at best," Jasmine's performance was a "pleasant imitation." He calls it elevator music. Interestingly, Pavlov's Dawgs don't boo. I think Jasmine's days on the show are numbered, not that I didn't already think that. Gloria says these kids are going to need psychiatric therapy after the show's over. Simon jokes that he will, too. And I know I've mentioned it before, but most of these kids needed therapy long before they ever showed up on my television. Simon and Paula argue about how good Jasmine was. Or wasn't. Ryan comes out to give her numbers.

Commercials. Our final contestant tonight is Diana Degarmo. Okay, I guess I didn't screw something up. On Friday, somebody emailed me to tell me that Diana sang "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You," which caused me to think I must have messed something up and embarrassed myself in the recaplet. And then I wondered why nobody else emailed me, and I started thinking that it was an indication that nobody even noticed the differences between these songs. And then it just turned out that the person who emailed me was wrong. Diana has indeed selected "Turn the Beat Around," which was covered by Gloria Estefan. It's not even really one of her songs. But never mind. Diana wears way too much pink as she talks about whatever and I don't care. I'm just happy not to have messed something up when I thought I had. Although apparently it was LaToya who had added the "yeah, yeah, yeah"s to the Barry Manilow song in the results show, not Fantasia. How unexpected.