Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing

Tuesday. Ryan "Mr. Pitiful" Seacrest greets us from behind the larger crowd so that we can all soak in the view of the larger stage for the finals. Ryan idiotically declares that these kids have "the most famous faces in America." Amusingly, when the camera pans across them, I can't tell immediately which one is Camile and which one is Leah.

Credits. Ryan greets us back on the new stage. The signs are back in the crowd, but there aren't as many as last season. Yet. We see signs supporting Matt Rogers and John Stevens. No, Ryan isn't the one waving the sign for Matt. Ryan is wearing another classy, boring brown and gray outfit. How am I supposed to mock him when he keeps dressing normal? Well, there's always his obnoxious capering. He calls the new stage "The Mothership," because it does look a little bit space-age. There's a gigantic monitor behind the center of the stage, flanked by two large, pointed, wing-like buttresses. It gives the overall appearance of granny glasses, making it look like the proceedings are being overseen by a 500-foot-tall Dame Edna. The lighting is mostly blues and purples. I think this is essentially the same stage design they used for last season's finale. Ryan has the tech people play with the lights on the stage to show how much work they're going to have to do to make the boring singers seem interesting. Then they show off the size of the audience, which does look a little bit bigger than last year's, though I know the black walls in the back disguise that it's smaller than it seems.

Ryan introduces the twelve finalists to the stage to beg for more applause. Jasmine Trias is identified as John Stevens. LaToya London is identified as Jasmine Trias. Yes, tell us how famous these kids are now when the people producing the show don't know who the hell they are. Ryan introduces Simon "Try a Little Tenderness" Cowell by saying he's stealing our jobs and our women. Whose job did he steal? Who else would have been hired to tell these kids that they suck and make jokes about Ryan being gay? Hey�wait a minute. That could have been me! Dammit! That's my job he stole. He can have the women, though. Ryan says Paula "Pain In My Heart" Abdul is the only woman Simon will never get, and manages to not burst out laughing afterward. Paula laughs, though she looks a little embarrassed, probably because she and Simon were doing it right under the judges' table just before they let the audience in. Ryan concludes by calling Randy "Ole Man Trouble" Jackson "aerodynamic." Randy reacts the way he always reacts, shouting "Yeah!" and giving himself props and all.

Ryan says that he never expected he'd ever paraphrase James Brown (join the club) and adds, "We know we've got soul, because if we didn't, we wouldn't be in here." I give out one of my Kif sighs. I know you don't have soul, because if you did, you wouldn't have said something so damned stupid. Tonight's theme, Ryan explains, is "soul." See, if they were that quick to stack the deck against the soulless Leah, then why did they pick her for the wild card slot anyway? So these pretty pageant girls with their sheltered lives and dorky white guys made entirely of ham products are going to try to sing soul music to us. What did I say in the wild card round about purposefully trying to humiliate the contestants? Oh, never mind. Ryan says something stupid about soul music making him want to run around in a rhinestone cape and tights. You all remember that famous Otis Redding song "Drag Queen Superman," don't you?

But enough wasting time -- we've got mini-profiles to do that for us! The first contestant tonight is LaToya London. LaToya is 25 and from Oakland. She's the youngest child of her family. Her mom is her "best friend." We see a shot of them daintily drinking tea together. We see cute baby pictures of LaToya, and a video of her singing at her mom's wedding when she was seven. LaToya is married and has two stepchildren. She says she loves her husband. Like she was going to come out in this interview and say, "Yeah, I'm married, but he's turned out to be a real loser and I'm already shopping around for divorce lawyers." Her husband, Danny, tells us she's his "best friend" and blah blah blah. Her step-kids, Kiyomi and Danny Jr., love her, too. She tells us there aren't a lot of musical opportunities for her in Oakland. She's in a cover band that sings at weddings or whatever gigs they can get. We see her singing "Chain of Fools," and she's a bit better than our pretty pink princesses at it. We see her singing at a wedding in front of a bunch of really bad dancers. Maybe one of Jon's brothers just got married? Her band members tell us to vote for LaToya. I'll vote for her if that middle guy will go on a date with me. I think he's the bassist. Latoya says her goal is to touch us with her music. Well, at least she just wants to just touch us with it, and not slap us across the face and shove it up our noses like some of the other singers.

LaToya London hits the Seal to sing "Ain't Nobody." She's dressed much younger and rather '80s-style in a black sleeveless shirt and tight black jeans with silver chain belts. I'll forgive her for the look, because it is sort of appropriate for this song. She's also got very mussed-up hair. It could be a wig, but because her hair is normally in such tight little curls, she may have just relaxed them. It's probably not the best idea to pick a song that opens with a solo keyboard, because it just sounds so cheesy. I don't care how good you are. Synthesized keyboard sounds are probably one of the most cringe-inducing aspects of '80s pop, in retrospect. So, I said when we first heard LaToya sing that I'd be interested to see how she does with a different style of song. "Ain't Nobody" is a sassy upbeat song, and she's not quite as good. She's still excellent, but it's a little dull. This is one of those songs that looks kind of silly when you're out there singing alone, because it requires a certain level of group energy. And the background singers and music drown her out a little bit, which will be a trend for the night. The Great Unknown wants to be known and loved. Overall, a good performance, but not as good as when she was in the semifinals.

Judges. Randy says it was hot and showed off LaToya's personality. Paula asks how LaToya feels. She says she feels great -- like she's already a star. Paula says LaToya is, and thinks she'll be around this competition for a long, long time. Simon says that it was an amazing first performance. He says that her clip profile showed why this contest is so important to singers like LaToya. He doesn't explain what that means. I'm assuming he's referring to the unlikelihood of wedding singers being discovered by labels. LaToya heads over to Ryan and the drinking fountain stools. He asks her if she can feel the energy in the room. She can. Is she surprised Simon called her amazing? Simon has never said a bad word about her, other than the outfits, so what's the big deal? It's not like she's Leah or Matt or something. LaToya thinks Simon is "da bomb." Ow. My love just went down a little bit. Ryan gives us the blah blah blah vote-text-message-cakes.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for Amy Adams. Amy is wacky! She has two little yappy dogs. She's wacky! She has fuchsia hair! Wacky! She's a wacky make-up artist! I feel like I'm re-recapping Vanessa Olivarez's old intro clip show, except with little dogs instead of a pig. She lives in Bakersfield, California. Wow, she's lucky she's not in prison. They don't go much for the wacky in Bakersfield. Don't let that old cop show with Ron Eldard and Giancarlo Esposito fool you. MmmmmRon Eldard. Amy jokes about how Bakersfield has so many famous landmarks, likethe Bakersfield sign. She's so wacky! And she's selling Bakersfield short. They got quite a bit of press over this whole scandal. Amy has two sisters, and tells us her mom brought them all up to be strong, independent women. She thinks she takes after her mom, which she certainly does genetically. They both have that same beak-like nose. Amy can bark like a yappy dog. She's wacky! We see a trio of family shots, featuring twelve regrettable hairstyles from three different eras. I swear to Roman, her mother looks just like the Chicken Lady from Kids in the Hall in the last one. Amy is more driven in her career than her sisters, who are happy raising families. And she's wacky! Her sister, Amber, tells us we're seeing the "real" Amy. Wacky Amy! She makes faces for the camera! Are you sick of her yet? She has a friend and co-worker named Courtney, who is on a one-woman crusade to bring back Joey Heatherton's most famous hairstyle. Oops. Her name is actually spelled "Courtnie." Yes, of course it is. She tells us that Amy loves to scat, which we hear samples of while she's working. She's not that bad. Courtnie doesn't like it, though. But Amy won't stop, because she's wacky! She tells us she just loves to sing. And be wacky!

Ryan introduces Amy to the Seal to sing "You Make Me Feel Brand New." She heads out in a sleeveless, shoulderless, shiny multicolored top and black flared slacks. I want to call them "Celine pants" because they're the type of pants you always see her wearing. This song is a bit problematic for Amy. The verses are just too high in her register to belt, so they sound a little thin. And then she brings it down a little bit so that she can belt parts of the chorus. It's a little jarring. She's too soft in some parts, and then too loud in some parts. The giant monitor behind her shows a montage of wildflowers. I'm hoping that some hacker figures out a way into the system and shows, like, the evil video from The Ring or Un Chien Andalou or something. Come on, tell me you wouldn't want to see Diana sing in her chipper pageant girl fashion while a woman gets her eye sliced open in the background? And in conclusion: Amy is boring.

Judges. Amy asks Randy if he liked her "package" -- meaning her profile. Everybody giggles because Amy said "package," even though that double entendre doesn't quite work when you're talking about women. Randy says that he loved the dogs (because, you know) and then adds that Simon loves puppies. Simon jokingly responds, "I love puppies." Because they don't even try to sing and they whine less than some of the contestants. Randy says the performance was good, but not "unbelievable." He thinks she finished stronger than when she started. Paula makes another stupid "package" reference. She says that Amy is a "goofball with a nice, pretty voice." She adds that it was a "safe" performance (which is how they try to lure you out of the box -- don't do it!), but concludes that Amy is a good singer. Simon says the performance was boring. The audience boos. He points out that she's all wacky in her profile, but then comes out and sings blandly with images of flowers behind her. Well, I don't think there are many "wacky" choices in the soul genre. He concludes that her performance was "dreary." She says she hopes America will give her a chance to do better time, which is a little bit different from the "Let's let America decide" declaration of doom. She heads over to Ryan and worries that her profile made her look like a crazy person. Ryan says it didn't. It made her look desperate for attention, so of course Ryan really loved it. How does she think she did? She thinks she did well. Ryan says that he thought Paula was talking about Randy at first when she talked about liking the "package." Hello? Seven-second delay? Hello? Oy. Ryan gives Amy's numbers.

up is Matt Rogers. Suddenly, the background music in the clip show gets all testosterone-y, making it sound like we're watching the evening sports round-up on the eleven o'clock news. See, because Matt played football in college. He was in the Rose Bowl. The Rose Bowl! It's just like the Super Bowl! Except everybody cares more about the parade than the actual game. Oh, good God. The Rogerses were on an episode of Family Feud. Matt has two brothers and two sisters. He is, of course, the attention-seeking youngest sibling. We've met one of Matt's brothers previously. His other brother has long blond hair and a cowboy hat. They're a wonderfully white trashy family, and I say that without any judgment at all. They look like they're fun, even if Matt is constantly creeping me out. Speaking of creeping me out, here's Matt's armpit! Aieeeeeeee! Now I'm really wishing for Un Chien Andalou to cleanse my palate. There's a shot of him flexing his arm while wearing just a vest and bowtie, like the world's most low-rent Chippendale. His older brother Tim says that Matt used to hang out with him and he used to protect Matt, but now Matt's bigger than he is. He hams it up with all the kids in the family, while his brother describes him as "the uncle." Because he spoils all the kids. Matt tells us that he wants somewhere around seven kids. Awww. California law will allow for you and Ryan to adopt when you get to that stage.

Matt was in the Rose Bowl! He was!

Some NFL player named Marques Tuiasosopo apparently went to college with Matt, and tells us how he would sing everywhere. He sang opera while putting his jockstrap on. Thanks for that visual. Let me go watch that eye get sliced open again. Ah. How pleasant. Matt tells us that once you're husky, you're always husky. Maybe he should try Atkins? Oh, he means a Husky, his college football team. Yes, once you're a Husky, you're always a Husky, except that you don't play anymore, and don't go to the college anymore, and aren't actually on the team or anything. And apparently only played for the Huskies for one whole season as a reserve guard in the first place. They have another word for it, Matt -- "alumnus." It's Latin for "We like your money, so we'll be more than happy to pretend that you're still part of our collegiate universe in order to get it."

Matt was in the Rose Bowl! He was!

They manage to find a shot of Matt holding the trophy from winning the Rose Bowl, but not one of him actually playing or anything. He tells us how he ran up and hugged his family when he won. He doesn't play pro football, because obviously he wasn't any good. He plays flag football, though. His team is named "Team Hurt." I have an imaginary conversation in my head where one of his teammates tells me that it's actually "Team Hertz," after their sponsor, but no matter how often they explain it to Matt, he doesn't understand it. He tells us he's really "manly" on the field, which is why he plays flag football and not rugby or something; then he likes to come home, light up some candles, and take a bubble bath. Andthere he is. Thank Roman the bubbles cover everything except Matt's head. He tells us that he's a performer and wants us all to get to know him. I already know far more about you than I want to. Quit bugging me.

Ryan introduces Matt to the stage to sing "Hard to Handle." Now there's an appropriate song title. Matt heads to the Seal in a blue shirt and black pants. And The Hair. The Hair will be spoken of in capital letters from now on, because clearly it is its own entity separate from Matt. In the sense that, you know, it's not his hair. Anyway, Matt is an awful, soulless ham. He starts the song off-key (sharp, I think) and pretty much shouts his way through the song. At the chorus, he hams his way off to the side of the stage and sings to some young women sitting up front. Then he positively minces his way back to the Seal. Esera Tuaolo is going to be disappointed that he's now the second-gayest former football player in the country. Third, if you count Steve Young. Jock hate mail is the best. Anyway, Matt is a hammy dork who shouts the song and dances like a fratty and stares into the camera too much.

Judges. Randy says it was the best performance he's seen from Matt. He thought the vocals were "a'ight." He wasn't blown away. There wasn't a single word in Randy's comments that he hasn't said in criticisms. Paula says she loves that Matt's having fun and working the audience. She thinks that he picked just the right song for this theme and for his skills. Matt greets Simon with a big, fake-cheery "Hi, Simon!" Matt treats Simon the way you might treat your boyfriend's evil ex who you have to deal with on a regular basis. Because Simon totally is Ryan's evil ex. Simon starts, "I have to say, with the exception of Ryan Seacrest, I don't think I've every met anyone more happy to be on TV in my entire life." Ooh, the evil ex gets in a dig at his old boyfriend and his new partner. I feel like I'm at one of the parties I used to go to with my old friends in St. Louis where everybody had slept with everybody else at some point and were being all passive-aggressively catty toward each other. Simon continues that Matt's clip show was some "ghastly, presidential thing" with the kissing of babies and such. Then after stumbling around with the exact right words to cut Matt off at the knees, he says the rendition was "a second-rate Tom Jones performance." The audience boos. Simon says it was corny. The audience boos. Simon points out the audience will clap for anything. Ha! And true. Simon says he just didn't see a fantastic singer in Matt's performance, unlike LaToya's. Ryan heads out to the Seal to hug and comfort his boyfriend and give us the numbers to vote for Matt. He tells Matt he should send Team Hurt (Hertz) to Simon's house. What, to pull the flags off his belt? Have you seen how they play football where Simon's from?

Commercials. When we return, it's time for Camile Velasco and her itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie not-yellow-polka-dot bikini. The first thing we see in her clip show is her walking down the beach in her tiny swimsuit. How the hell can she always be so nervous onstage when she's willing to wear that in public? She tells us she was born in the Philippines and moved to the United States when she was a year old. She lives with her multiethnic family in Hawaii. And she looks good in a bikini! Let's watch her swim! She loves Hawaii, but nearly as much as Jasmine. Camile snores when she sleeps. Loudly. Oh, for some silly reason, I thought that when we were told Camile worked at a "pancake restaurant," it was some sort of specialized gimmicky place. Instead, it's just IHoP. I don't know what the hell I was thinking -- some sort of breakfast-related tapas thing or a creperie. I don't know. That's what comes of being an elitist snob. Oh, let's use Camile's segment to pimp Ryan's syndicated show! We see her being told she's "adorable" by Jennifer Love Hewitt on Ryan's show. I think. But why would Jennifer be on this show? Isn't her career dead? Please tell me her career is dead. Camile tells us that when she returned to Maui after making it to the finals, she was greeted with "Aloha spirit." Uh oh. Jasmine's going to get seriously pissed if Camile starts tramping on her turf. She might even frown or something. She gets hula dancers and leis. Camile's mom tells us that Camile doesn't like a lot of attention. Except when she's wearing her tiny bikini, I guess. Mom pointed out to Camile that she sort of picked the wrong profession if she doesn't like attention. Mom asked Camile what she wanted if she made it to the finals. She wanted one of those inflatable "jumping castles" to bounce around with in her friends. No, really. They show her walking on the beach in a tiny swimsuit, then bouncing around in it with her teen friends. I think I've committed a felony just by watching this segment. Good thing Camile's of legal age. Camile can play the piano, but only with all her hair in her face like Samara. Camile says that when she goes to Hollywood, she's going to miss the sun and the stars, because you don't get those things in Southern California. But she's leaving Hawaii and coming here because she wants to "make music."

Ryan introduces Camile to the Seal to sing "Son of a Preacher Man." She's wearing a yellow sleeveless, shoulderless top with jeans, and a brown skirt over the jeans. Okay, clearly the sleeveless, shoulderless tops that sort of hang down the front in a saggy fashion are a "thing" now. I've been noticing them on Paula for a few weeks, and now both LaToya and Camile are wearing them. I don't think they're particularly attractive either. Camile's singing is boring, too low, too quiet, and without any energy. She's as bad as Julia Demato was last year. She's also got Leah's hair from a couple of weeks ago, which doesn't do wonders to separate her from the other pretty pink princesses. She has a mic stand, but absolutely doesn't know what to do with her hands, flailing them around randomly. She even does the Chipster both-hands-are-guns gesture, which you really, really shouldn't do, well, ever, but particularly not during "Son of a Preacher Man." She's drowned out by the backup singers and the music and is just generally bleah. Oh, and I haven't mentioned that green, yellow, and red wristband she's always wearing, which looks like a Rastafarian shout-out. It's not the same colors as either the Hawaiian flag or the Filipino flag, so I'm not sure exactly what it's signifying. But she's worn it with each performance.

Judges. Randy still loves her voice, but thought there was no "Wow!" in her performance. Paula brings up that damned Lauryn Hill vibe again, and I swear she and Randy are probably the only two people on earth who heard anything Lauryn-like in Camile's voice, ever, and she's stuck having to listen to this crap every week. Camile can't even stay in the box they put her in, because there aren't any songs she can sing that will show off this imaginary Lauryn comparison they've stuck her with. Paula adds that Camile looks nervous, like she's not having any fun. Well, I'm not sure if I would be able to have much fun knowing that the two of you were going to keep comparing me afterward to some other performer I'm not interested in mimicking. Simon points out that Camile is "petrified." He says the difference between Camile and LaToya is "self-belief." He says that if Camile doesn't start believing that she belongs in the competition, she's going to fail. Ryan heads back out on the Seal and asks Camile if she thinks she should be the American Idol. She says she does, with all the confidence of a six-year-old asking for a tetanus shot. Ryan gives us the numbers to vote for her.

Commercials. When we return, it's time for Jon Peter Lewis. He has six brothers (one terribly cute and blond) and one sister. They all live in Idaho. He tells us that he always talked a lot as a kid. His mom tells us Jon had a lot of interests as a child. He played the violin. He played soccer. We see clips. Then we watch as the entire family dork-dances around the living room while Dad plays the Casio. ["So, wait. Jon's dad is Jim Walsh, then?" -- Sars] He says that Jon may have gotten his "moves" from him. See? See? I told you he danced like your dad. Cute Blond Brother has a name! Christian! When I write it in my notebook, I put hearts over each "i." Christian dances like a dork too, but he's cute, so that's okay. He claims that he also taught Jon how to dance. There's plenty of blame to go around for Jon's dancing, apparently. Jon tells us he's attending BYU's Idaho campus, and wants to go to medical school to be a pediatrician. So you have to support Jon or else children will DIE! Oh, wait. If he becomes a star, then he won't become a pediatrician. And then children will DIE! A vote for Jon is a vote for spinal meningitis, people! Don't you see? Jon also likes to draw portraits. Man, he's unfocused. He doesn't know what the hell he wants. We see him beginning a sketch of a portrait of Simon. To pay the bills, Jon currently works at a plant nursery. So that means if you vote for Jon, then plants will die, too. Have you no respect for life, people? Jon likes some water plant that looks like it's made of plastic. That probably means he enjoys hanging around Paula and Ryan, too. He tells us what he wants to do is make good music. Yeah, at the moment. You've wanted seven other careers just in this tiny clip. We watch the family dork-dance some more. Christian appears to be dancing with one of his brothers. Okay, you're cute, but I don't go for that sort of thing. There have got to be cute boys in Idaho you're not related to. Or, you know, call me.

More princesses! Bring on Jasmine Trias. Jasmine is from Hawaii! I should mention that she pronounces her home state in the correct-but-annoyingly-pretentious way: "Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee." She lives in a tiny town on Oahu with her parents, brother and sister. She has a flower in her hair. Because she's from Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee! When she got home, her parents held a karaoke party for her. There's a montage of various family members singing "Proud Mary" that is brilliantly edited to jump between them smoothly. Much love for the editing guys this week. It's almost like I'm watching The Amazing Race or The Apprentice. Showing off more cute editing, we jump between Jasmine's parents singing badly to them individually telling us that Jasmine inherited her singing skills from them. Neither of them can sing at all, which is what makes it so cute. Then we cut to Jasmine's grandparents. Her grandfather says that Jasmine gets her singing talent from him. But her grandmother responds, "I don't think so." It would have been perfect if Grandma insisted Jasmine got her talent from her, but sadly, she doesn't. Jasmine likes to hula! Because she's from Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee. She says the flower in her hair is her Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee thing, because we didn't see them on every other female contestant back in the initial auditions. She tells us that having the flower on the right side means you're single. Left side means you're taken. Jasmine's is in her right side. It was on the left side during her first auditions, but now she's single. Honey, you're seventeen. Don't go flirting with America. America has roaming hands and doesn't have a good history of taking "no" for an answer. Jasmine also surfs! Because she's from Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee. Does she do anything that doesn't have anything to do with Hawaii? Does she live on a diet of pineapple and macadamia nuts? Anyway, Jasmine isn't that good a surfer. She tells us that being on American Idol is like "riding a wave" and it's such a "big rush." Then we cut to her falling off the surfboard. A subtle message, perhaps? Has Foreshadowing worked his way back onto the show?

Ryan introduces Jasmine to the Seal to sing "Inseparable." She's wearing a metallic peach-tone shirt and a black miniskirt. She's got a matching peach flower in her hair. She's pretty good. Of course, she's coming on the heels of Leah. She's got a pretty solid voice, and has toned down on the melisma. Way down, if I remember her semifinal performance properly. But there's still something mechanical and pageant-like about her performance. This is definitely one of those "safe" choices. It shows off the notes, but isn't all that challenging, style-wise. It's easy to like. But it's a little dull.

Judges. Randy says Jasmine was a little rocky to start off, but kicked it in, and declares that she's what the competition is all about. Paula declares that Jasmine was her favorite performance tonight. Paula starts to stand up, and then the camera inexplicably cuts away to the audience. What, did Paula flash a titty at Jasmine? If so, Jasmine's response indicates that she likes Paula's titty. We cut back to Paula after she puts the titty away and sits back down. Oh, and somebody threw a rose on stage at the same time. It might have been Paula. Maybe she was flirting after Jasmine revealed her single status in her profile. We don't have to confine the inappropriate homoeroticism to the men, you know. Ryan scampers over onto the stage to pick up the rose and give it to Jasmine. Paula concludes that Jasmine has a beautiful, well-rounded voice. Simon says that Jasmine was "just superb." He says that Jasmine could "potentially be really, really good in the future as well." What does that mean? "I don't feel the need to suck you creatively dry in two years and then cast you aside like most performers I work with." Is that what he's saying? Ryan heads back out to the Seal and asks Jasmine who really deserves credit for her talent. She's not quite pageant enough to know the diplomatic answer to this question, so Ryan feeds her the answer of it being a "team effort" so that she doesn't say anything silly like "Me! I did all the hard work, dammit! I've practiced for years! It was me!" Ryan gives Jasmine's numbers.