Tuesday. Ryan "A Fool Such As I" Seacrest greets us from atop the Seal with twelve kids, two exposed biceps, two leather jackets, two hideous pink dresses, and millions of teeth, to tell us that they've brought these kids "back from the brink" -- of blessed obscurity -- to beg for the four wild card slots. Oh, and there's a "twist"! Of course. That's the reality show equivalent of "And whatever you do, don't miss the last five minutes!" in promos for crappy TV dramas.
Credits. I think there's some sort of subtextual message in the credits over the fact that the CGI soundboards, cameras, and musical instruments popping up don't have anybody operating them. The transsexual terminator raises its arms in celebration, but is completely alone in its sad liquid-metal world.
Ryan greets us back on the Seal in a bland off-white shirt and brown khakis, except the shirt has his favorite oversized collar. He blathers on that this is the wild card show and these kids are getting second chances (third, in George's case), whether you like it or not. He thoroughly inaccurately says that the judges will help fill "the final spot" before introducing Simon "Wooden Heart" Cowell, Paula "Hard-Headed Woman" Abdul, and Randy "Too Much" Jackson.
Ryan then re-introduces us to the twelve wild-card contenders, all gathered in Pimp Central around a swirl couch as though new group shots are going to break out at any moment. Ryan tells us the good news is that last year Clay Aiken rose up out of the wild card round. That is good news. Now, where did I put that noose? Dammit, I must have tossed it out when I was cleaning the apartment. Oh well. Ryan says the bad news is that out of the twelve contestants tonight, only eight will actually get shots at the wild card seat. The rest will be summarily dismissed without even getting a chance to sing. Well, that's remarkably low, even for this show. I could understand it if they were sticking with an hour-long show this week and didn't have time for twelve performances. But they didn't -- they bumped the show up to ninety minutes. They have enough time to show twelve performances. It's just "good television" to humiliate four of them at the outset so we can have the dramatic tension of rejection on both shows this week. What disappoints me most about this decision is that these "surprise rejections" are so obviously cribbed from other reality shows whose asses American Idol is thoroughly kicking in the ratings. Why would you do that? These kids have proven time and time again that they are more than capable of humiliating themselves for our entertainment. It's not as fun when the producers do it to them. In fact, it has the opposite effect, causing us to feel sorry for the kids and throw support their way. Hey...wait a minute. They couldn't be that clever, could they? Could the various Simons and Nigels behind the scenes be playing the villains to deliberately get us on the kids' sides? Didn't Nigel Lythgoe brag and cackle about this little twist in the entertainment press the week before? Was he twirling a mustache? If week's theme is "pelting the contestants with vegetables while they sing," we'll know something's up.
So the kids were dragged back for a week-long "workshop," where the judges watched them all practice so that they could accurately pretend that they actually played any role in the upcoming decisions. My disdain for this whole format is somewhat mitigated by the fact that the performers seem to have known what was going to happen. So if they choose to expose themselves to even more potential humiliation, they're not going to get much sympathy from me (Marque). We get a lovely little montage of the kids all practicing as the judges watch and pretend that they matter. Paula blathers on in some interview that watching the rehearsals gives them "insight" into the kids, like how desperate they are, whether their boobs are real, how likely they are to burst into tears dramatically upon rejection -- that sort of thing. The snippets of the songs we hear are not particularly promising. Randy tells us that Lisa Leuschner has "potentially" one of the best voices in the contest. Which is a bit of problem, as she's neither skinny nor sixteen. And don't even ask her to wear anything pink. We see Leah LaBelle sing as Simon tells us he's "incredibly disappointed." He doesn't say Leah's name or anything, though, so I can't say for certain that he's actually talking about her. I know I'm incredibly disappointed to see her, not to mention yet another pulled-off-the-shoulder '80s-style shirt. Randy blathers about Matthew Metzger sounding okay until the chorus. Simon whines that he doesn't see any obvious stars. Paula whines about how hard it is to cut the kids. Simon plugs his ears as everybody sings "Lean on Me" along with George Huff. We get a montage (within a clip show -- the editors get paid extra for that) of the judges debating who they're going to keep. Tense music plays. Simon has his arm around Paula's shoulder the whole time. They're totally fucking. Marque Lynche has nice arms. Still. At the end, Simon warns us that he thinks America is going to pick somebody who shouldn't even be in the top twelve. Ah, finally, after two years, Simon is beginning to get a handle on how America works. Give us lemons, and we'll coo at how cute they are and start fan sites and Yahoo groups and write "Marcia Lemon" all over the paper cover of our American history textbooks and glue pictures of the lemons from US Weekly on the insides of our lockers.
Commercials. Ryan greets us from back on the Seal to tell us that the judges have "decided" who will get to sing tonight. Rather than doing something sensible like reading a list, they're going to stretch this shit out for fifteen minutes, dragging each contestant out of Pimp Central to the Seal to be told by the judges whether or not they'll sing. It's like when detectives separate suspects for crime interviews. They're hoping somebody will crack once they're away from the herd.
First up is Lisa, wearing a black see-through shirt over a solid black shirt and black pants. Not bad, but once again, you can see about an inch of her waist. Randy tells her that he loved her and thought she had a great voice and sounded a bit like Kelly Clarkson. But she's not a skinny waif, so they're cutting her anyway. It's really, really hard not to believe that she was cut because of her "size," and because of her potential to outlast the pretty pink princesses the show is bound and determined to throw in our faces. Lisa seems disappointed, but not particularly surprised.
up is Matthew, who is pretty, but can't sing. So of course, he gets to stay. Paula gets to tell him, because she's the one who wants to sleep with him.
Marque knows we're all checking out the arms. He holds them out to the sides as he heads on to the Seal in his black leather sleeveless jacket, white T-shirt, and jeans, so we can all admire the muscles. A few girls in the audience scream. Although he's just as hot as Matthew, he's a dancer and so very, very gay, so he's not getting a second chance. Why does everybody get eye candy but me? That's just not fair. Simon tells him they like his singing, but think he's meant for the "stage," so he won't be singing tonight. Marque responds, "Are you serious?" before giving the crowd an "Are you shitting me?" look and heading backstage.
Katie Webber is , and she has big boobs, so she gets to stay, even though she's wearing a sequined aqua miniskirt. With every contestant, the judges all whine about how tough it was to make a decision. Shut up, whiners. There's a reason I'm glad I don't have to recap The Bachelor anymore. And it's not like you actually made the decision anyway.
Jennifer Hudson is up , and if they wanted drama, they should have cut her. But they don't, even though she's wearing a laughably hideous pink gown. And a pink headband. And a pink choker with pink feathers. A Mary Kay salesperson would be all, "That's too much pink."
up is George Huff. Simon warns George that he's not going to like what Simon has to say. That is, George has to wait until after a commercial break to find out if he made it. George is upbeat about it, of course. Commercials are fun! They provide valuable information! Let's watch some commercials!
Watch Wonderfalls, y'all. I mean it. If Tru Calling outlives it, I'll have you killed. I have contacts. I know where you live.
When we return, the ebullient George celebrates after Simon tells him he gets another chance. Simon does that annoying "I'm really sorry...to have kept you waiting" crap again. Does he ever get tired of it?
up is Elizabeth LeTendre. She gets to stay. That backless blouse is really not doing her figures any favors either.
Leah LaBelle is young and has flowers in her hair. But she's not wearing pink tonight. Paula gives her the news that she gets to stay, and doesn't breathe a word about the quality of Leah's performances or any improvement or her "potential."
Jon Peter Lewis has worn his Friday kegger finest to the competition tonight -- a dark blue T-shirt over a light blue shirt and jeans. Simon says they had a lot of arguments whether to keep him or not, but potential ratings won out over talent -- he gets to stay.
Tiara Purifoy (!) has clipped the hair wings and is wearing a pink outfit to try to blend in with the pretty pink princesses. Sadly, the fact that she has the best name ever isn't enough to keep her in the competition.
That leaves Eric Yoder and Susan Vulaca coming up to the Seal together to find out who gets the last slot and who is going home. Eric's dressed to attend that kegger Jon's going to. Randy and Paula "talk it over," as if this decision hasn't already been made and as if they ever made it in the first place. Simon doesn't play along with this nonsense, tapping the table testily and then interrupting the two of them to tell Eric that he's out. Awwww. He's going to go home and burn his Clay Aiken shrine. He gives Susan a congratulatory hug and they both leave.
Commercials. Finally, let's get to some actual singing! Oh, never mind. Jon is up first. I guess we'll have to wait. He's going to be performing "A Little Less Conversation." Eeeeeh. I knew it was going to be bad before he ever got to the stage. I think it would be bad regardless of who sang it. I really don't think it's such a good song in the first place. That it was remixed as a fluffy dance song is sort of an indication that it's not intended to show off anybody's singing skills. Oy. More clip shows. The fact that we've already had clip shows for these kids doesn't mean anything. These are clip shows about what happened in their first shot at the final twelve. Jon can play the guitar, but not very well. Simon didn't like him. Jon tells us it would be really boring if we were all the same. Is he here to sing, or is he screen-testing for one of those "The More You Know" PSAs? Jon humps the floor. Okay, he does that dance thing that looks very vaguely like you're humping the floor. He says he never thought he'd ever be an "entertainer" or a "musician" as he hams it up for the camera like a pro. He's so fake. I really can't stand that. He was in musical theater before he got here. Don't pull that shit on me. I didn't put up with it from Clay -- I'm not putting up with it from you.
And now, time to "sing." The thing about this song is that it doesn't show off much range. It's got about four whole notes in it. A whistling tea kettle has more range. So the singing isn't particularly interesting. And then, there is the "dancing." Do you remember when you were, oh, five years old, and you were sick and/or miserable and your dad would do silly things to make you laugh? Jon dances like your dad trying to cheer you up. He suddenly goes hurtling over to one side of the Seal and waves around crazily. He makes weird faces. He marches awkwardly in place. He makes more weird faces. He dances badly some more. Then he shoots some serious Manson lamps into the camera as he sings that he's not satisfied. Whoa! It's not my fault, dude. Put the crazy down and back away, slowly. It's incredibly stupid and goofy. And it might be fun to watch, but he's not doing anything that any other guy you know couldn't do. That's what bugs me about the performance. I could do what he just did, if I had no shame. So could you. So why should I be impressed by this?
Judges. Randy says he was laughing. He asked Jon if he had a good time. Jon says he did. He points out that it was really "bold" of Jon to bust out the crazy moves, since it's his last chance to get into the top twelve. Jon says that it's the "best" time to cut loose. Well, I'll give him credit for realizing that he doesn't have the singing skills to make it, so he decided to have a seizure onstage, instead. Randy thinks Jon had a good voice for the song and liked it overall. Paula says Jon made her and the audience smile. Paula points out Jon's pudgy dad in the audience for some reason. I guess his mom can just suck it. Paula thought it was a great way to start the competition. It comes to Simon, and everybody secretly knows the performance was awful and that Simon is going to hate it, so they start booing him in advance. Heh. Indeed, Simon thought the whole thing was awful. He says he'd expect to see somebody outside a subway singing like that for money. Maybe if he were standing on the third rail. Paula points out that Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, and Beck all dance crazy, too. Well, yes, but they know the difference between "grooving" and "hamming it up like an idiot." ["Oh, I don't know. Tyler's reeeeeeal close to the line there." -- Sars] Beck wouldn't be caught dead running across the stage like he's Benny Hill. Jon heads back to Ryan, who asks him where he picked up those moves. From the line of people waiting for the methadone clinic to open, I'd wager. We get another shot of Jon's dad, as Ryan insults the guy by saying we'd pay good money to see the fat man dance. And see? I told you Jon danced like your dad. Ryan gives us the blah blah blah text-call-vote-whatever-message-cakes.
up is Elizabeth. She's going to sing "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face." We're reminded that she played third flute in the Bad Song Choice Orchestra when she chose "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" her first time in the semifinals. She tells us she is focusing on her voice, which is honestly a smart thing for her to do. Given the preponderance of female belters getting pushed through so far, there's absolutely no way a female contestant could get away with what Jon just did, which sort of bugs me.
Elizabeth heads out to the Seal in a black floral-print apron shirt that is really unflattering to her figure, and a black skirt. The music sounds like it started early and Elizabeth has to sort of rush to catch up. And I'm not quite sure she ever really does. She just sounds about a half-beat off during the whole song. Her voice is much better than it was the last time. Although, now that I'm listening to it again, her held notes are a bit off. Actually, they're way off. But overall, a much better performance from her.
Judges. Randy points out the pitchiness, but thinks it was a good performance. Paula says Elizabeth knows her range and had great control. Simon says he "kind of agrees" with Paula (causing the audience to freak out as usual), but says Elizabeth doesn't have that "It factor." Elizabeth gives The Stock Response of the Doomed: "I'll let America decide." Ryan heads out to the Seal to save time for more commercials. He gives us her numbers. Lines open at the end of the show! The end! And it costs money to text message your vote! So why would you? The questions this show raises. It's a cell phone. Call in your vote instead!
When we return, it's time for Katie Webber and her weird nose. She's going to sing Whitney's "So Emotional." Feh. She reminds us that her beauty pageant performance in the semifinals didn't go over well. She thinks she's taking a chance by singing a Whitney Houston song. No, really. She does. She's living out on the edge there.
Katie heads to the Seal to shimmy around in her ugly aqua miniskirt and black camisole. This is such an uninspired song, which is exactly how she sings it. Why would anybody pick this song? Why is she here? Filler! We could have been watching Lisa sing. Bastards. Katie is flat and dull and poorly dressed.
Judges. Randy didn't like it much. He says Katie sounded better but didn't "blow [him] away." He makes fun of the ugly skirt. Paula says Katie sounded better than she did in the rehearsals, which makes me wonder again why they picked her to sing. She says Katie gave up the mugging for the camera, but had pitch problems. Paula's turquoise jewelry clashes with her green outfit. Simon compares Katie to Jessica Simpson. Nobody's quite sure how to take that comment. Simon says that Jessica isn't successful because she's a good singer, and before he can even complete the thought, Paula and Randy react as though Simon just said the Holocaust didn't really happen. The reason why people watch Newlyweds is totally because they're hoping to hear Jessica sing. Simon is sort of shocked in return that either of them thinks Jessica has any musical talent. He says she's famous because of the "whole package" (meaning: "boobies"), and that's why Katie is here (meaning: "boobies"). He says Katie will get more "guy" votes than anybody else this evening. I don't think so. Not with this show's demographic. Matthew will probably get more guy votes. I just want to get some hate mail from straight guys to counter all the obnoxious ones from teen girls.
Simon thought her performance was okay. People boo. Simon asks if "these four" in the audience think Katie deserves to be up there. By "these four," he means the four rejectees from earlier tonight, who are sitting to the Seal. And by "four," he means "three," because there's no sign of Marque. Hee. Somebody had a little diva hissy and stomped out, I bet. They all pretend that they don't hate Katie just a little bit for being up there onstage instead of them. Katie heads back to Ryan, who asks her how she feels. She had fun and blah blah blah. Ryan gives us her numbers. Ryan says she thinks Jessica Simpson can too sing, because he's a pop-music asslick and wants her on his show.
up is George Huff and his face-consuming smile. He is looking a bit younger tonight. Are those ear piercings new? He could totally pass for a thirty-year-old now. Ryan makes a big deal about how George warms up by saying "Heeeee. Heeee. Heeee," a lot. George will be singing "Lean on Me" tonight. We're reminded that George was in group four and barely lost out. We are not reminded (yet again) that George was cut from the show entirely months ago and brought back. Oh, Simon did call him the back line of the Temptations. I just assumed that I misheard in the recap of that episode because Simon then went off about the Supremes. Also: I didn't care. George tried out "My Girl" in the practices. I'm so glad he didn't pick that song, because it's so tired of being performed on this show. "My Girl" would like to nap for a few seasons before it gets twisted and beaten into submission again.
George heads out to the Seal in a shiny, copperish shirt that I covet, and jeans. He starts off a little flat, but warms up to the song. He gestures and mugs a lot as well, but I think he's different from Jon because it just seems like a natural part of who he is and he doesn't pretend otherwise. George's genuinely excited about everything, but never does that whole "Oh, you want little me to pose for photos? This is just so crazy!" shtick. He's comfortable with the song, though there's a bit too much warbling. And the audience loves him.
The judges love him, too. Randy says that George reminded him of the deacon at his church growing up. Paula says the performance was a throwback to old Motown. Simon has finally recognized George's personality for what it is, and tells him he has an advantage because people actually want to see him succeed. He doesn't really say much about George's actual performance, but says people will root for him. Ryan heads to the Seal to tell us all that George is really having fun. George agrees. It's fun! Everything is fun! Ryan gives us George's numbers. It looks like somebody has been unbuttoning Ryan's shirt backstage. Oh, maybe that's why Marque isn't in the audience.
Commercials. It's been a long time since a commercial for a new reality show hasn't caused me to cover my face with my hands and sigh.
When we return, it's time for Susan Vulaca. There's more nonsense about the pronunciation of her last name. Is this a rerun? She's going to be singing "I Will Survive." In her clip show, she determined that part of the problem she had with her first performance was that people couldn't see her face, because of all her hair. So she's pulled it back. Yes, the hair kept her from the top twelve. Prepare to be dazzled, world, with the sight of Susan's forehead!
Susan heads to the Seal in a weird red floral-print top with fringes on the bottom, a purple scarf, and jeans. The top looks kind of like she grabbed one of those armchair back covers people sometimes have and made a poncho out of it. She starts off a little breathy, but gets into the song, strutting around the stage and belting. Yeah, her hair does look better. And that forehead! That forehead is really going to take her places. Thank God she changed her hair. I don't know how I would have made it through the show without a glimpse of her forehead.
Judges. Randy says she was a little pitchy, but thought it was good. She "made it [her] own." And he likes her look. Paula loves Susan's shirt, which should give you an idea of how bizarre it looks. She thinks Susan has shown a lot of growth and has a great vocal range. Simon says it's tough to judge this song, because it's always on the stereo when he goes to Ryan's house. GLAAD's got bigger fish to fry these days, so you'll all have to send your own hate mail to them, if you care. And it's probably not a good idea to try to out Ryan while at the same time pointing out that you spend a lot of time at his place. You might as well out him by saying he sucks your dick all the time. Anyway, Simon says Susan did very well with that song. Susan looks like she's about to cry because Simon spared her a kind word. She heads back to Ryan, and she actually is crying over the kind word. Jeez. Ryan declares that Simon's the one who brings the "I Will Survive" CD over, because this is all about him. He gives us Susan's numbers.
up is Matt, and I'm glad he doesn't make it any further, because there was the apparent possibility that Demian might have cheated on his husband. And since I was at his wedding to Big Gay Chris, I have a responsibility to make sure those two make it. Matt is going to sing "When I See You Smile." Ick. He plays his leg like a guitar in his little clip show. We're reminded that he's pretty, but not that strong a singer. He says he's trying to pick a song that allows him to sing "with power." He tells us that he needs our approval. Maybe you should have performed shirtless, dude. You might still be around.
Matt heads out to the Seal in a white T-shirt, brown shirt, and what I think might be those leather pants he promised. Except that they're kind of dirty brown and don't show off any muscles or anything. They might be suede. Or they might be brown denim. See, if you can't automatically go, "Ooh! Leather pants!" there's really no point. Anyway. So the reason Matt didn't sing songs in the past that show off his vocal power is because he doesn't have any. He's breathy all the way through the thing. Even the chorus is bland and quiet. There's no point in singing this song if you aren't going to wail. And the facial contortions. He's just on constant "orgasm face." Maybe that's why some folks think he's so hot? He sings like he's uncovered the secret to male multiple orgasms.
Judges. Randy says Matt started and ended well, but was dull and blah all the way through. The audience boos. Paula says nobody will be as cool as Randy for some unknown reason. Randy tries to kiss her on the cheek, but she won't let him. She's mad because Matt's hot and it's wrong that Randy doesn't like him. She says Matt has tons of personality and all the girls (and some boys) think he's a heartthrob. I don't think that's what's throbbing. She does add that if he's going to pick a rock song, he needs to really work a "rock edge" into his voice. But she compliments his smile. I think he's had teeth added. Simon says that Matt "ticks all the boxes" about being a hot guy with a nice smile and personality and blah blah blah, but he doesn't tick off the box labeled "star" in Simon's eyes. Everybody (including the captioners) think Simon said "tickle the boxes" instead of "ticks all the boxes." "Tickle the Boxes" will be a song on the first soundtrack for The "L" Word. Thank you and goodnight! Simon says there's something missing, but he doesn't know what. Matt volunteers that it's confidence. Everybody agrees. See, if he had the confidence to perform shirtless in the leather pants? He'd totally still be on the show. Simon and Paula insult each other, but then he puts his arm around her. They're not just fucking -- they're in luuuuuve. Ryan comes out to the Seal and gives us Matt's numbers.
Commercials. up is Leah "Vladowski" LaBelle. She's going to "sing" "Let's Stay Together." In an interview where she wears a hateworthy fuzzy black beret (when, oh when, will PETA do something about the growing use of Muppet pelt for clothing?), she tells us the judges all tried to convince us she could sing, but we didn't buy it because "America has their own opinions." I am of the opinion after that quote that Leah should turn around right now and go back to school. And she cried! Oh, did she cry! She's taking the judges' advice to get back in her box where she sings "soul" music with her deep voice.
Leah heads out to the Seal in a hideous black ruffled shirt and jeans, along with the blue flowers in her hair. "Let's Stay Together" is just a naturally soulful, upbeat song that should sound wonderful if you have even a smidgen of energy and musical talent. Leah? Doesn't have these things. Leah apparently does not have a soul. Watching her sing is like watching Harmony on Angel trying to be good. She can't quite get it right. Because, like Leah, she has no soul. It's just this bland monotone of a song, where she bobs slowly up and down to the beat and blahs her way all the way through to the end. Even the chorus has been sucked dry of its energy. I'm not even sure how. It's just the dullest rendition of this song I've ever heard.
Judges. Randy says it wasn't Leah's best performance, but he's happy now that she's gone back into her box. Paula takes it a step further and says it's one of Leah's best performances. She compares Leah's voice to Mary J. Blige's, and...no. No. She doesn't sound anything like her. Yes, her voice is deep. But a lot of female singers have deep voices. Paula continues on her break from reality when she declares Leah's bobbing, shuffling attempts at choreography "perfect." Simon, thank god, isn't buying this crap. He says it was "shaky" and "ordinary." He says that if this had been the first time he had seen her tonight, he'd say, "So what?" Paula argues with him. Simon says that if Paula likes Leah so much, she can choose her as a wild card. Dammit, Simon! You had me! And then you had to go give her ideas and ruin it. Leah heads back to Ryan and says she had fun and blah blah blah. Ryan says that he doesn't understand Simon. He has a big house and lots of money, yet every week Simon looks more and more miserable. Welcome to my world, Ryan. Except without the house and the money. Just the misery. Damn. After more pointless questions, Ryan finally gives Leah's numbers.
Last singer! Yay! It's Jennifer Hudson, who has already cried twice this evening, apparently. She's going to sing "I Believe in You and Me." In her interview, she explains that a friend made her dress, and she orders Simon not to say a word about it. It's like she knows it's awful, and is wearing it as a favor. It's the pirate shirt plot from Seinfeld. Debra has apparently been trying to put a halt to Jennifer's "gospel jaw," that quirk some singers have where their lower jaws vibrate when they hold notes. I guess I must have a "gospel television," then, because it often vibrates when they hold notes, too.
Jennifer heads to the Seal in her Nightmare In Pink attire. Her voice starts off a bit breathy. Then she gets into it and starts belting left and right. She hasn't conquered that "gospel jaw" yet, and she just doesn't know what to do with her hands, which sort of travel up and down her body like she's showing herself off as a prize in a game show. And she ends with a bizarre bug-eyed look that makes Jon's mugging seem restrained. But overall, her singing is very good.
Judges. Randy says Jennifer gets the prize for best performance of the night. But he doesn't like the dress. Paula says that Jennifer tells a story with the muscle in her voice. She does. That's what she said. And she touches us all with the muscle in her voice. Simon, of course, starts by saying they're lucky they aren't judging her on the outfit. Jennifer says the dress was made by some guy named George. Simon orders the man fired. Simon says that they all love her singing and personality, but she needs more control over her voice. Overall, he thinks she did great. Ryan heads out to the Seal to give us her numbers.
More annoying commercials even though the performances are over and I'm tired and I have an hour-long results show to recap and just get on with it!
When we return, Ryan asks the judges what they think about the performances tonight. Did they make the right choice about who to bring back? Randy and Paula say they did. Simon says he thinks one person (whom he doesn't identify) tonight has the chance to really challenge the ones who have been voted through, but he's not "doing cartwheels" over what he's seen. He probably just gave Jon an idea for his performance. Oh, then he mentions that Jennifer was great, but had "fashion issues," so I guess he thinks she's the one who can challenge the others. Simon makes fun of Ryan's boring outfit. Well, at least it's boring for once. Nice ass-shot of Ryan, there. Yes, I'd probably still fuck him as long as he doesn't talk. Or make any faces. Simon also likes Susan because of the way her performances have improved. Ryan reminds us that each of the judges picks a wild card, and the voters pick one. He reminds us that last Clay Aiken was last year's wild card. Yeah, but what are the odds that America will vote on a drama queen with a hammy performance style and a cult-like following that doesn't match at all with the level of his talent two years in a row? Why, that's just crazy talk! We get the clip show recap, and Ryan begs us to vote for these losers and to watch that boring, doomed Cracking Up show. Dear Mike White: Pasadena, your failed drama, was funnier than this alleged sitcom.
Wednesday. One hour of pure dullness! Melodramatic Announcer tells us that these kids gave "the performances of their lives" last night. He says that every week, which is in part why he's called the Melodramatic Announcer and not the Accurate Announcer or Trenchant Announcer. But for once, I'd like him to come on and say, "Eh, it was okay. But could you believe that girl's dress?"
Credits. Ryan heads out to the Seal in some bland, beige outfit. Apparently somebody in the audience orders Ryan to reveal the wild cards now. Ryan points out that they have to stretch it out for an hour. He does a hand-gesture for stretching, which also sort of looks like network executives fondling the money they'll be making from all the extra ads. He reminds us that four of the eight kids sitting on the Sofas of Despair will move on, while the rest will be sent home. Again. Ryan introduces the judges -- insulting Simon, of course, and complimenting Paula, of course -- and reminds us that Randy worked with Mariah and Whitney. The family is back in Pimp Central again. Jon's cute blond brother is back. Don't take my comments about Jon personally, Jon's Cute Brother. I love you! Ryan then introduces the kids to us again. Leah is wearing a camouflage jacket and has a ponytail on the side of her head. Somebody from the forums warned that '80s fashion is making a comeback. It will happen over my dead body. No, really -- I'm willing to face a death sentence, because I'm prepared to kill anybody responsible for bringing those styles back. [Memo from Shack's libido: The return of '80s clothing could mean guys wearing tight jeans again.] On the other hand, maybe I'm being too judgmental. I'll just have to watch and see.
In a clip show, we're reminded of the cruelty of last night's show. Jon was ludicrous. Simon was judgy. Susan and Jennifer were good. Matthew should just shut up and take off his clothes. George was fun.
Since we've got all this unnecessary time to burn, let's bother the kids with dumb questions. Matt became friends with Clay when they auditioned last year. Did Clay have any advice? He told Matt not to "think too much." Just relax and sing. And then he and Clay went back to making out. What about Jennifer and the dress? She heard that the mysterious George has been getting calls about the ugliness of the dress. Hee! As well he should. But she says she's partially responsible, because the dress was her idea. She must have seen all the pink girls getting through and thought she could make it work. What about Jon and his spastic capering? Is that the real Jon, or is it an act? He says it's both. Oh, whatever. If you liked it, it's real. If you didn't, it was fake. If you didn't like it, but you're a fan, then it was a satirical jab at the phoniness of the show. Whatever. He gyrates; you decide. Does Susan stand by her choice of "I Will Survive"? Yes, she does. And she thinks she will. Survive. Well, she doesn't die, so she's technically accurate. Ryan asks Katie if it will be tough for her to leave her "friends" among the semifinalists behind if she gets to the finals and they don't. Her response is drowned out by me laughing at the very idea.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan blathers on about Ruben Studdard's mild musical successes since he won last season, and then drags him out to bore me with his song, "Sorry 2004." Ruben trudges out in a blue-and-white-striped shirt, jeans, and a trucker hat. No more newsboy caps once you get famous! And he looks even a little larger than he used to be. Ugh. I already critiqued this song. Hearing it live doesn't make the lyrics any less dumb. "It's like building a house with no roof and no doors." What the hell does that even mean? The message behind this song still bugs me: "This is my sorry for 2004." They might as well have called it "Your Constant Bitching Is Draining Me of My Will to Live, So Here's My Blanket Apology." Why does this song have a romantic R&B beat to it? It's so passive-aggressive. Are people supposed to actually make out to this song?
Afterward, Ryan brings over a towel, because Ruben's about to keel over from the effort of that one song. They joke that it's like Ruben's competing again, and bring him over for judges' comments. Randy: "Hot!" Paula: "Touchdown!" Me: "Sigh." Simon: "I will pay you to re-enter." Ryan asks Ruben what the best part of his new career is. Being able to sing for people and doing what you love, he says. Ruben won an NAACP Image Award, which works as lovely synergistic product placement for the award ceremony, which aired last Thursday on FOX. Ruben has a tour kicking off, and I wonder how long it's going to last before Ruben has to take a break due to exhaustion. It least it would be actual exhaustion this time, and not those drug euphemisms.
Ryan polls the kids for any questions for Ruben. Oh, are these the "spontaneous" questions like the ones from the audience last season? Jennifer asks what she should expect if she makes it to the final twelve. Yup -- "spontaneous." Ruben says they should expect a lot of work. Leah asks if he still keeps in contact with the other finalists. He says he does. He has Rickey Smith with him, who is apparently singing back-up on the tour or something like that. Or he's Ruben's boyfriend. I'm kind of wondering. I'm just saying. It's not fair to go speculating about the other guys who all hang out together and not do it here just because Ruben's really fat.
Okay, I'm not recapping this part. I'm just not. It's the part where Ryan goes through all the judges' comments to the contestants from the night, but he doesn't pull anybody out to any chairs or anything. He's just reading comments. They dim the lights and play the music like something important is going to happen, but it's not. Nothing happens for the four minutes, allowing me to catch up on other people's lovely recaps.
Commercials. When we return, it's time to reveal Randy's "choice" for the wild card. After blathering his way through it for about thirty seconds, he reveals that he has chosen Jennifer Hudson. He tries to play this off as a "tough decision," which is silly because they all agreed she was the best singer last night. Jennifer, surprisingly, doesn't burst into tears. There will be plenty of time for that in the coming weeks. Oh, there she goes! She's crying by the time she makes it to Ryan on the Seal. What does Paula think about Randy's "selection" of Jennifer? She thinks, "Woof!" No, really. That's what she said. She loves Jennifer. Simon agrees, but repeats that Jennifer needs to work on controlling her voice and "finding a stylist who can see." Jennifer sings again for us, and is lovely, but she still hasn't conquered the "gospel jaw."
Commercials. This is an actual quote from a FOX evening news teaser: "It's kind of like American Idol, but without the singing."
When we return, it's time for Paula's "choice." Paula wishes she could pick them all and the show would just run forever and ever and we'd all sit around watching it and apparently not slit our own wrists. And then she chooses Leah. Guh. We will have our pretty pink princesses! Do not defy us! We will have them whether you want it or not! It would be hysterical if Leah, Jasmine, Diana, and Camile were the first four ejected from the show. Ryan asks how Leah was feeling before the announcement. She was really nervous. Her heart was fluttering around in the stage lights, or so I gather from her gesturing. She thanks Paula for picking her. What do the other judges think? Randy says that he was "down for Leah" from the start, and that she's "dope." Dope? I guess that '80s comeback is indeed on the cusp. Sigh. Maybe Will Young will get that mullet revival after all? Simon says that Leah is very lucky because she has a "fairy grandmother." The audience boos as Paula starts climbing up Mount Simon to give him a noogie. I'm telling you, they got married secretly in Vegas or something. And I don't think Simon realizes his malapropism when he calls Paula a "fairy grandmother" instead of "fairy godmother." Or maybe that's just what they say in England. Leah tortures us some more with her awful singing. She's even worse than she was last night.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Simon's "choice." Simon says he made his decision in part based on who he thought the audience would like to see. And that would be George. Huff, not Jennifer's designer, though I'd really like to see him, too. George is, of course, very happy and smiles his way down to the Seal. Yes, a smiling is a form of locomotion when you're George Huff. He tells Ryan he's trying not to pass out. Ryan asks for a response to Simon. George says, "We've come a long way, Simon." Ryan and Simon both joke that they want more groveling out of George. They get about four "thank you"s out of George. He gets to sing again, and the kids all jam out on the Sofas of Despair. The sofas are for sulking and worrying only! Do not celebrate on the Sofas of Despair! George's mom and sis cry back in Pimp Central.
Commercials. When we return, the three winning wild cards are alone on the Sofas of Despair. Oh, how am I supposed to keep the nicknames on things when the show keeps changing what they're for? For now, they're the Temporary Sofas of Victory. The other five potential wild cards are hiding out somewhere, and before Ryan announces who won the popular vote, they're going to reintroduce the other finalists. Diana Degarmo is wearing a sparkly black and silver bustier that exposes her torso. Well, if that means the death of the pretty pink princesses and the birth of the nearly legal nymphettes, I'm not quite sure how to feel. Fantasia Barrino hams it up for the cameras. Camile Velasco wears pink. Matt Rogers suddenly seems so young and dynamic! I just want to give him a promotion to management! Oh, no. Wait, I don't! Matt Rogers is wearing a ridiculously awful hairpiece! Don't even try to convince me otherwise. The minute I saw this, I went back to the official web site to check, and the difference is ridiculously obvious. I will say it's slightly possible that it's a very elaborate comb-forward, but I find it very unlikely. And it's so bad. Dude, if you're going to go for a piece, don't ask for the Burt Reynolds. Amy Adams still has fuchsia hair. LaToya London still dresses classy ("mumsy"). Jasmine Trias still has that pink flower. John Stevens would get such the tongue lashing from Janice if his awkward runway walk ever showed up on America's Top Model. Even his own mother laughs. They all sit on the Temporary Sofas of Victory.
Still more time to kill, so Ryan asks them dumb questions. How has Jon's life changed? He went to a hockey game and people kept asking him for autographs. He ended up missing the third period. Ryan, showing his fame-whore roots, responds, "You never want that to go away. That's why you're in this business, right?" Yes, that's what music's all about, right? Signing autographs. The music's just the thing you use to get famous! Ah, Ryan. Somebody should tell him that Chicago is supposed to be a vicious satire before he goes all Roxie Hart on us and kills Simon. Hmmm. Or maybe we should just wait to see how it plays out. Ryan points out that Amy's hair is still fuchsia. How are things going for her? Everybody recognizes her, so she never gets to eat her dinner. Awwwww. She says, "I don't mind. I'm not mad -- I'm just hungry." Oh, well, just channel that hunger into a desperate need for attention! That's what keeps Hollywood thin. Diana went back to Georgia, where the press has "gotten hold" of some of her earlier childhood pageant prancing or whatever. Yes, I'm sure the media down there just went scouring through their archives for stuff on you and it totally wasn't brought to them by your mom. Because television stations love to film childhood dance recitals. Shut up. Is Jasmine going to have that pink flower every single week? Yes, yes she is. She has different flowers, though, so don't kill yourself just yet. Ryan doesn't ask Matt what the hell died on his head. He does ask how he feels being back. He feels great! What he doesn't feel is his own scalp anymore.
Finally, time to reveal the last wild card slot. The five remaining wild card singers file back onto the Seal. Getting 22% of the vote, Jon Peter Lewis wins the popular vote. He hammily falls backward onto the stage. Total attention whore. He's just as bad as Kim Caldwell; he's just funnier about it. On the other hand, there's a nice shot of Matt Metzger's ass when he bends over to help Jon get back up. Yeah, I'm taking this all too seriously, but who else out there has to write twelve to sixteen pages about this crap every week? Jon sucks, he's a phony, he can't sing, he can't dance, and he just plain bugs. There are two whole singers in the finals now that I can even bear to listen to -- George and LaToya. And now I've got twelve weeks of this crap. Shit. Is it too late to bring back the Tru Calling recaps and dump this? Dammit. Stupid ratings and popularity. Bah! Bah, I say! And I still haven't figured out a gimmick for the season. Simon looks bemused. I imagine he's sort of looking forward to whatever lunacy Jon will inflict on them , because it will give him something to say.
The four remaining loser kids file off to go audition for whatever the reality show in the pipeline is. What do the judges think about Jon? Randy says that Jon took some chances and it paid off. Plus, he can sing. Paula says America loved his personality, and claims that she's going to steal some of his dance moves for herself. You know, for that imaginary world where Paula lives where she's still a popular performer. She encourages Jon to let his personality show (don't encourage the hamming!) and not to take things too seriously. Because, you know, there's a chance Jon could do that. Simon reminds us that he actually predicted that the popular vote might raise some eyebrows. Specifically, his. Simon says he watched the show last night and stands by his comment that the performance was awful. Jon blandly mutters, "Thank you." Gah. Now I really dislike the boy. But not his cute blond brother. I love you, Cute Blond Brother! Simon does give Jon credit for taking a big risk, and it was rewarded.
Now it's time for Jon to jitter and jive us out for the evening, so I can finally delete his awful performance off my TiVo before it gets the idea that I want to watch documentaries about the lives of mental patients and starts recording them on its own. Oh, and what's really telling about Jon's performance? Unlike Beck, who Paula compared him to, he carefully choreographed all the dorky moves in advance. The kids all come out on the Seal and dance behind him. We get a shot of Jon's parents and his cute blond brother. I love you, Cute Blond Brother! Will you get Jon to knock it off?