Tuesday. Ryan "Mr. Pitiful" Seacrest greets us from behind the larger crowd so that we can all soak in the view of the larger stage for the finals. Ryan idiotically declares that these kids have "the most famous faces in America." Amusingly, when the camera pans across them, I can't tell immediately which one is Camile and which one is Leah.
Credits. Ryan greets us back on the new stage. The signs are back in the crowd, but there aren't as many as last season. Yet. We see signs supporting Matt Rogers and John Stevens. No, Ryan isn't the one waving the sign for Matt. Ryan is wearing another classy, boring brown and gray outfit. How am I supposed to mock him when he keeps dressing normal? Well, there's always his obnoxious capering. He calls the new stage "The Mothership," because it does look a little bit space-age. There's a gigantic monitor behind the center of the stage, flanked by two large, pointed, wing-like buttresses. It gives the overall appearance of granny glasses, making it look like the proceedings are being overseen by a 500-foot-tall Dame Edna. The lighting is mostly blues and purples. I think this is essentially the same stage design they used for last season's finale. Ryan has the tech people play with the lights on the stage to show how much work they're going to have to do to make the boring singers seem interesting. Then they show off the size of the audience, which does look a little bit bigger than last year's, though I know the black walls in the back disguise that it's smaller than it seems.
Ryan introduces the twelve finalists to the stage to beg for more applause. Jasmine Trias is identified as John Stevens. LaToya London is identified as Jasmine Trias. Yes, tell us how famous these kids are now when the people producing the show don't know who the hell they are. Ryan introduces Simon "Try a Little Tenderness" Cowell by saying he's stealing our jobs and our women. Whose job did he steal? Who else would have been hired to tell these kids that they suck and make jokes about Ryan being gay? Hey…wait a minute. That could have been me! Dammit! That's my job he stole. He can have the women, though. Ryan says Paula "Pain In My Heart" Abdul is the only woman Simon will never get, and manages to not burst out laughing afterward. Paula laughs, though she looks a little embarrassed, probably because she and Simon were doing it right under the judges' table just before they let the audience in. Ryan concludes by calling Randy "Ole Man Trouble" Jackson "aerodynamic." Randy reacts the way he always reacts, shouting "Yeah!" and giving himself props and all.
Ryan says that he never expected he'd ever paraphrase James Brown (join the club) and adds, "We know we've got soul, because if we didn't, we wouldn't be in here." I give out one of my Kif sighs. I know you don't have soul, because if you did, you wouldn't have said something so damned stupid. Tonight's theme, Ryan explains, is "soul." See, if they were that quick to stack the deck against the soulless Leah, then why did they pick her for the wild card slot anyway? So these pretty pageant girls with their sheltered lives and dorky white guys made entirely of ham products are going to try to sing soul music to us. What did I say in the wild card round about purposefully trying to humiliate the contestants? Oh, never mind. Ryan says something stupid about soul music making him want to run around in a rhinestone cape and tights. You all remember that famous Otis Redding song "Drag Queen Superman," don't you?
But enough wasting time -- we've got mini-profiles to do that for us! The first contestant tonight is LaToya London. LaToya is 25 and from Oakland. She's the youngest child of her family. Her mom is her "best friend." We see a shot of them daintily drinking tea together. We see cute baby pictures of LaToya, and a video of her singing at her mom's wedding when she was seven. LaToya is married and has two stepchildren. She says she loves her husband. Like she was going to come out in this interview and say, "Yeah, I'm married, but he's turned out to be a real loser and I'm already shopping around for divorce lawyers." Her husband, Danny, tells us she's his "best friend" and blah blah blah. Her step-kids, Kiyomi and Danny Jr., love her, too. She tells us there aren't a lot of musical opportunities for her in Oakland. She's in a cover band that sings at weddings or whatever gigs they can get. We see her singing "Chain of Fools," and she's a bit better than our pretty pink princesses at it. We see her singing at a wedding in front of a bunch of really bad dancers. Maybe one of Jon's brothers just got married? Her band members tell us to vote for LaToya. I'll vote for her if that middle guy will go on a date with me. I think he's the bassist. Latoya says her goal is to touch us with her music. Well, at least she just wants to just touch us with it, and not slap us across the face and shove it up our noses like some of the other singers.
LaToya London hits the Seal to sing "Ain't Nobody." She's dressed much younger and rather '80s-style in a black sleeveless shirt and tight black jeans with silver chain belts. I'll forgive her for the look, because it is sort of appropriate for this song. She's also got very mussed-up hair. It could be a wig, but because her hair is normally in such tight little curls, she may have just relaxed them. It's probably not the best idea to pick a song that opens with a solo keyboard, because it just sounds so cheesy. I don't care how good you are. Synthesized keyboard sounds are probably one of the most cringe-inducing aspects of '80s pop, in retrospect. So, I said when we first heard LaToya sing that I'd be interested to see how she does with a different style of song. "Ain't Nobody" is a sassy upbeat song, and she's not quite as good. She's still excellent, but it's a little dull. This is one of those songs that looks kind of silly when you're out there singing alone, because it requires a certain level of group energy. And the background singers and music drown her out a little bit, which will be a trend for the night. The Great Unknown wants to be known and loved. Overall, a good performance, but not as good as when she was in the semifinals.
Judges. Randy says it was hot and showed off LaToya's personality. Paula asks how LaToya feels. She says she feels great -- like she's already a star. Paula says LaToya is, and thinks she'll be around this competition for a long, long time. Simon says that it was an amazing first performance. He says that her clip profile showed why this contest is so important to singers like LaToya. He doesn't explain what that means. I'm assuming he's referring to the unlikelihood of wedding singers being discovered by labels. LaToya heads over to Ryan and the drinking fountain stools. He asks her if she can feel the energy in the room. She can. Is she surprised Simon called her amazing? Simon has never said a bad word about her, other than the outfits, so what's the big deal? It's not like she's Leah or Matt or something. LaToya thinks Simon is "da bomb." Ow. My love just went down a little bit. Ryan gives us the blah blah blah vote-text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Amy Adams. Amy is wacky! She has two little yappy dogs. She's wacky! She has fuchsia hair! Wacky! She's a wacky make-up artist! I feel like I'm re-recapping Vanessa Olivarez's old intro clip show, except with little dogs instead of a pig. She lives in Bakersfield, California. Wow, she's lucky she's not in prison. They don't go much for the wacky in Bakersfield. Don't let that old cop show with Ron Eldard and Giancarlo Esposito fool you. Mmmmm…Ron Eldard. Amy jokes about how Bakersfield has so many famous landmarks, like…the Bakersfield sign. She's so wacky! And she's selling Bakersfield short. They got quite a bit of press over this whole scandal. Amy has two sisters, and tells us her mom brought them all up to be strong, independent women. She thinks she takes after her mom, which she certainly does genetically. They both have that same beak-like nose. Amy can bark like a yappy dog. She's wacky! We see a trio of family shots, featuring twelve regrettable hairstyles from three different eras. I swear to Roman, her mother looks just like the Chicken Lady from Kids in the Hall in the last one. Amy is more driven in her career than her sisters, who are happy raising families. And she's wacky! Her sister, Amber, tells us we're seeing the "real" Amy. Wacky Amy! She makes faces for the camera! Are you sick of her yet? She has a friend and co-worker named Courtney, who is on a one-woman crusade to bring back Joey Heatherton's most famous hairstyle. Oops. Her name is actually spelled "Courtnie." Yes, of course it is. She tells us that Amy loves to scat, which we hear samples of while she's working. She's not that bad. Courtnie doesn't like it, though. But Amy won't stop, because she's wacky! She tells us she just loves to sing. And be wacky!
up is Matt Rogers. Suddenly, the background music in the clip show gets all testosterone-y, making it sound like we're watching the evening sports round-up on the eleven o'clock news. See, because Matt played football in college. He was in the Rose Bowl. The Rose Bowl! It's just like the Super Bowl! Except everybody cares more about the parade than the actual game. Oh, good God. The Rogerses were on an episode of Family Feud. Matt has two brothers and two sisters. He is, of course, the attention-seeking youngest sibling. We've met one of Matt's brothers previously. His other brother has long blond hair and a cowboy hat. They're a wonderfully white trashy family, and I say that without any judgment at all. They look like they're fun, even if Matt is constantly creeping me out. Speaking of creeping me out, here's Matt's armpit! Aieeeeeeee! Now I'm really wishing for Un Chien Andalou to cleanse my palate. There's a shot of him flexing his arm while wearing just a vest and bowtie, like the world's most low-rent Chippendale. His older brother Tim says that Matt used to hang out with him and he used to protect Matt, but now Matt's bigger than he is. He hams it up with all the kids in the family, while his brother describes him as "the uncle." Because he spoils all the kids. Matt tells us that he wants somewhere around seven kids. Awww. California law will allow for you and Ryan to adopt when you get to that stage.
Matt was in the Rose Bowl! He was!
Some NFL player named Marques Tuiasosopo apparently went to college with Matt, and tells us how he would sing everywhere. He sang opera while putting his jockstrap on. Thanks for that visual. Let me go watch that eye get sliced open again. Ah. How pleasant. Matt tells us that once you're husky, you're always husky. Maybe he should try Atkins? Oh, he means a Husky, his college football team. Yes, once you're a Husky, you're always a Husky, except that you don't play anymore, and don't go to the college anymore, and aren't actually on the team or anything. And apparently only played for the Huskies for one whole season as a reserve guard in the first place. They have another word for it, Matt -- "alumnus." It's Latin for "We like your money, so we'll be more than happy to pretend that you're still part of our collegiate universe in order to get it."
Matt was in the Rose Bowl! He was!
They manage to find a shot of Matt holding the trophy from winning the Rose Bowl, but not one of him actually playing or anything. He tells us how he ran up and hugged his family when he won. He doesn't play pro football, because obviously he wasn't any good. He plays flag football, though. His team is named "Team Hurt." I have an imaginary conversation in my head where one of his teammates tells me that it's actually "Team Hertz," after their sponsor, but no matter how often they explain it to Matt, he doesn't understand it. He tells us he's really "manly" on the field, which is why he plays flag football and not rugby or something; then he likes to come home, light up some candles, and take a bubble bath. And…there he is. Thank Roman the bubbles cover everything except Matt's head. He tells us that he's a performer and wants us all to get to know him. I already know far more about you than I want to. Quit bugging me.
Ryan introduces Matt to the stage to sing "Hard to Handle." Now there's an appropriate song title. Matt heads to the Seal in a blue shirt and black pants. And The Hair. The Hair will be spoken of in capital letters from now on, because clearly it is its own entity separate from Matt. In the sense that, you know, it's not his hair. Anyway, Matt is an awful, soulless ham. He starts the song off-key (sharp, I think) and pretty much shouts his way through the song. At the chorus, he hams his way off to the side of the stage and sings to some young women sitting up front. Then he positively minces his way back to the Seal. Esera Tuaolo is going to be disappointed that he's now the second-gayest former football player in the country. Third, if you count Steve Young. Jock hate mail is the best. Anyway, Matt is a hammy dork who shouts the song and dances like a fratty and stares into the camera too much.
Judges. Randy says it was the best performance he's seen from Matt. He thought the vocals were "a'ight." He wasn't blown away. There wasn't a single word in Randy's comments that he hasn't said in criticisms. Paula says she loves that Matt's having fun and working the audience. She thinks that he picked just the right song for this theme and for his skills. Matt greets Simon with a big, fake-cheery "Hi, Simon!" Matt treats Simon the way you might treat your boyfriend's evil ex who you have to deal with on a regular basis. Because Simon totally is Ryan's evil ex. Simon starts, "I have to say, with the exception of Ryan Seacrest, I don't think I've every met anyone more happy to be on TV in my entire life." Ooh, the evil ex gets in a dig at his old boyfriend and his new partner. I feel like I'm at one of the parties I used to go to with my old friends in St. Louis where everybody had slept with everybody else at some point and were being all passive-aggressively catty toward each other. Simon continues that Matt's clip show was some "ghastly, presidential thing" with the kissing of babies and such. Then after stumbling around with the exact right words to cut Matt off at the knees, he says the rendition was "a second-rate Tom Jones performance." The audience boos. Simon says it was corny. The audience boos. Simon points out the audience will clap for anything. Ha! And true. Simon says he just didn't see a fantastic singer in Matt's performance, unlike LaToya's. Ryan heads out to the Seal to hug and comfort his boyfriend and give us the numbers to vote for Matt. He tells Matt he should send Team Hurt (Hertz) to Simon's house. What, to pull the flags off his belt? Have you seen how they play football where Simon's from?
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Camile Velasco and her itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie not-yellow-polka-dot bikini. The first thing we see in her clip show is her walking down the beach in her tiny swimsuit. How the hell can she always be so nervous onstage when she's willing to wear that in public? She tells us she was born in the Philippines and moved to the United States when she was a year old. She lives with her multiethnic family in Hawaii. And she looks good in a bikini! Let's watch her swim! She loves Hawaii, but nearly as much as Jasmine. Camile snores when she sleeps. Loudly. Oh, for some silly reason, I thought that when we were told Camile worked at a "pancake restaurant," it was some sort of specialized gimmicky place. Instead, it's just IHoP. I don't know what the hell I was thinking -- some sort of breakfast-related tapas thing or a creperie. I don't know. That's what comes of being an elitist snob. Oh, let's use Camile's segment to pimp Ryan's syndicated show! We see her being told she's "adorable" by Jennifer Love Hewitt on Ryan's show. I think. But why would Jennifer be on this show? Isn't her career dead? Please tell me her career is dead. Camile tells us that when she returned to Maui after making it to the finals, she was greeted with "Aloha spirit." Uh oh. Jasmine's going to get seriously pissed if Camile starts tramping on her turf. She might even frown or something. She gets hula dancers and leis. Camile's mom tells us that Camile doesn't like a lot of attention. Except when she's wearing her tiny bikini, I guess. Mom pointed out to Camile that she sort of picked the wrong profession if she doesn't like attention. Mom asked Camile what she wanted if she made it to the finals. She wanted one of those inflatable "jumping castles" to bounce around with in her friends. No, really. They show her walking on the beach in a tiny swimsuit, then bouncing around in it with her teen friends. I think I've committed a felony just by watching this segment. Good thing Camile's of legal age. Camile can play the piano, but only with all her hair in her face like Samara. Camile says that when she goes to Hollywood, she's going to miss the sun and the stars, because you don't get those things in Southern California. But she's leaving Hawaii and coming here because she wants to "make music."
Ryan introduces Camile to the Seal to sing "Son of a Preacher Man." She's wearing a yellow sleeveless, shoulderless top with jeans, and a brown skirt over the jeans. Okay, clearly the sleeveless, shoulderless tops that sort of hang down the front in a saggy fashion are a "thing" now. I've been noticing them on Paula for a few weeks, and now both LaToya and Camile are wearing them. I don't think they're particularly attractive either. Camile's singing is boring, too low, too quiet, and without any energy. She's as bad as Julia Demato was last year. She's also got Leah's hair from a couple of weeks ago, which doesn't do wonders to separate her from the other pretty pink princesses. She has a mic stand, but absolutely doesn't know what to do with her hands, flailing them around randomly. She even does the Chipster both-hands-are-guns gesture, which you really, really shouldn't do, well, ever, but particularly not during "Son of a Preacher Man." She's drowned out by the backup singers and the music and is just generally bleah. Oh, and I haven't mentioned that green, yellow, and red wristband she's always wearing, which looks like a Rastafarian shout-out. It's not the same colors as either the Hawaiian flag or the Filipino flag, so I'm not sure exactly what it's signifying. But she's worn it with each performance.
Judges. Randy still loves her voice, but thought there was no "Wow!" in her performance. Paula brings up that damned Lauryn Hill vibe again, and I swear she and Randy are probably the only two people on earth who heard anything Lauryn-like in Camile's voice, ever, and she's stuck having to listen to this crap every week. Camile can't even stay in the box they put her in, because there aren't any songs she can sing that will show off this imaginary Lauryn comparison they've stuck her with. Paula adds that Camile looks nervous, like she's not having any fun. Well, I'm not sure if I would be able to have much fun knowing that the two of you were going to keep comparing me afterward to some other performer I'm not interested in mimicking. Simon points out that Camile is "petrified." He says the difference between Camile and LaToya is "self-belief." He says that if Camile doesn't start believing that she belongs in the competition, she's going to fail. Ryan heads back out on the Seal and asks Camile if she thinks she should be the American Idol. She says she does, with all the confidence of a six-year-old asking for a tetanus shot. Ryan gives us the numbers to vote for her.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Jon Peter Lewis. He has six brothers (one terribly cute and blond) and one sister. They all live in Idaho. He tells us that he always talked a lot as a kid. His mom tells us Jon had a lot of interests as a child. He played the violin. He played soccer. We see clips. Then we watch as the entire family dork-dances around the living room while Dad plays the Casio. ["So, wait. Jon's dad is Jim Walsh, then?" -- Sars] He says that Jon may have gotten his "moves" from him. See? See? I told you he danced like your dad. Cute Blond Brother has a name! Christian! When I write it in my notebook, I put hearts over each "i." Christian dances like a dork too, but he's cute, so that's okay. He claims that he also taught Jon how to dance. There's plenty of blame to go around for Jon's dancing, apparently. Jon tells us he's attending BYU's Idaho campus, and wants to go to medical school to be a pediatrician. So you have to support Jon or else children will DIE! Oh, wait. If he becomes a star, then he won't become a pediatrician. And then children will DIE! A vote for Jon is a vote for spinal meningitis, people! Don't you see? Jon also likes to draw portraits. Man, he's unfocused. He doesn't know what the hell he wants. We see him beginning a sketch of a portrait of Simon. To pay the bills, Jon currently works at a plant nursery. So that means if you vote for Jon, then plants will die, too. Have you no respect for life, people? Jon likes some water plant that looks like it's made of plastic. That probably means he enjoys hanging around Paula and Ryan, too. He tells us what he wants to do is make good music. Yeah, at the moment. You've wanted seven other careers just in this tiny clip. We watch the family dork-dance some more. Christian appears to be dancing with one of his brothers. Okay, you're cute, but I don't go for that sort of thing. There have got to be cute boys in Idaho you're not related to. Or, you know, call me.
Ryan introduces Jon to the Seal to sing "Drift Away." So it was "country rock" last year, but it's "soul" this year? That's quite a genre shift. Jon's wearing a light blue shirt with weird gray patterns on it, and black pants. He starts off terribly, not really sharp or flat, just all over the place. And then the dorky dancing starts. And then the singing gets even worse. He has no range, no energy, and no control over his voice. When he starts hopping around, he can't hold a note steady. But when he's not hopping around, his singing is monotonous and he has no stage presence. Even as a joke, I still don't see his appeal. I stand behind my statement that anybody could do what Jon does. Is that his appeal? He's succeeding at this show even though he isn't all that good, so we can all pretend that we could succeed, too? Needless to say, the audience gives his spazzy performance a standing O. Cute Christian is there with the parents.
Judges. Randy thinks that his dancing was a little bit better than the Elvis seizures, and thinks the performance really showed who Jon is. A dork. Paula "jokes" that Jon needs to hold back on the dance moves because he's "spoiling us." Well, all I know is something stinks bad. I wouldn't necessarily use the word "spoiling," though. She repeats my theory that he got his dance moves from his dad. I just want to make it absolutely clear that I came up with the theory first. Me. It's MINE! Paula does point out that Jon has to be careful about dancing too much and becoming short of breath and losing the tone. Simon agrees that Jon dances like his father, then adds that he didn't mean it as a compliment. The audience boos. Simon, probably deciding that certain types of fans just can't be reasoned with (welcome to the club!), declares that Jon is the "dark horse" to win the competition. He says that if Jon cuts out some of the dork-dancing, he does have "potentially" a very good voice. And if I were to start going to the gym, I could "potentially" have killer abs, but I don't think that's going to happen, either. Ryan comes out to the Seal and begs Jon's dad to come up front and dork-dance live for America. Which he does. Oy. But it's okay, because he's a dad. You can totally get away with dancing like a dork when you're a dad. It's one of your dad privileges. Really, it's in the pamphlet you get from the hospital when your baby's born. Oh, Ryan has something with him. It's the finished sketch of Simon, which isn't bad. Except that Simon has no hair in it. He actually looks a bit like a less beefy Michael Chiklis. If they were trying to embarrass Simon, they did a lousy job. He looks pretty good without hair. The audience laughs for a bit and then grows silent. Somebody shouts something out from the crowd that we can't hear. Whatever. Ryan gives us Jon's numbers.
Commercials. Banking at Washington Mutual will cause you to sabotage your own life. Wait, this is a commercial for Washington Mutual?
When we return, it's time for Fantasia Barrino. Fantasia is a small-town girl from North Carolina. She says the only they've got going for them there is the furniture industry. We get a helpful establishing shot of somebody's bureau sitting out in a yard. The hell? Oh, and the town has Fantasia now, as Fantasia humbly tells us. She tells us her family is tight. Her family is also young. Her mom looks like she gave birth to Fantasia when she was five. I mean, Mom looks like she was five when she had Fantasia, not that she gave birth to a five-year-old Fantasia. And her dad is named "Joe Joe." Fantasia has a two-year-old girl whose name I think is Diane. The captioners agree with me. Fantasia, as we've heard, has not been Higginized when it comes to the enunciation. Fantasia sings at her church. Her mother is a preacher there. Her dad plays bass at the church. Her grandmother is the pastor there. And her brother directs the choir. This is a show pitch, right here in this profile! A musical church family. It would totally kick 7th Heaven's ass! I could probably even watch it without puking. Instead of obnoxious, poorly written speeches, they can just sing. Somebody get the WB on the phone. Fantasia tells us that she made a bet with her brother, Ricco. They both auditioned in New York. Whoever didn't make it had to sing backup for whoever did make it. See, there's your pilot episode right there. This show writes itself! Fantasia, like Amy, knows that she's wacky. She tells us she has only one life to live as she signs autographs at some buffet restaurant and tells us she's going to "wow out," whatever that means. That'll be the show's catchphrase, once I figure out what she's saying.
Ryan introduces Fantasia to the Seal to sing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered." She's wearing a charcoal suit with white pinstripes. I love Fantasia's rendition of this song. Don't ask me why I love Fantasia and can't stand Jon or Matt. It's not entirely based on reason. I think Fantasia just brings it vocally, unlike those two, and the energy comes from her own joie de vivre and not out of some desperate attempt to please people and get our attention. I have absolutely no basis for that opinion, I admit. But the combination of her energy and her voice is just perfect to me. She doesn't look or sound stupid. Her voice is solid all the way through, and I don't hear a single bad note. There's a tiny bit of warbling, but not much. She could tone it down with the bouncing, and I've said that before. But I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for that to happen. She gets the audience clapping and on its feet. Looking over the field, I think it was the best performance of the evening if you combine both the vocals and the stage presence.
Judges. Randy "yo"s that Fantasia was hot tonight. He calls her a "young Aretha." Paula blathers on that Fantasia owned the stage and "brought it" and "delivered it" in her typical bone-headed attempt to try to work the song into her compliment. A teen boy in the audience holds up a sign that declares, "Fantasia's lips rock." The sign is lip-shaped. Hee. Simon declares simply that Fantasia is "the real thing." Ryan heads out to the Seal to give her a hug and give us Fantasia's numbers.
Commercials. Gack. I'm only halfway through the performances!
up is George Huff. He gets a New Orleans brass band for background music in his profile. Heh. Good music choice. I'm gonna give the production crew some lovin' and say the profiles they've been doing tonight are head and shoulders above the ones they've had in seasons. Everybody's even properly identified. George smiles while he makes some omelets for us at his job. He smiles as he shows us the omelet. He smiles as he takes a bite out of the omelet. He smiles as he tells us he has two sisters and a brother. Monica, George's sister, tells us that George was a quiet kid. But then he just started talking one day and now you "can't shut him up." We see a picture of him when he was young (back in the '60s), and as a couple of posters have pointed out, he bore more than a passing resemblance to Urkel. Good thing he grew out of that. George smiles while he tells us that he smiles because he grew up poor in the projects. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. He makes some comment about them all having each other, which I guess is supposed to explain it. Monica tells us George is always smiling. Yes, I think we've all picked up on it. His mother says that George gets his personality and talent from his father, who just sits there, saying nothing. Heh. He is smiling, though, so there's that. Then we see George's family all dork-dancing. It seems as though George got that bob-dancing thing with the hands spread out that he does from his family. They call it "the Dip," and now, so shall I. Mom explains that he learned it in church, I guess because it allows you to move along with the music while standing in place in your pew or what have you. George smiles as he tells us that he's finally where he wants to be.
Ryan introduces George to the Seal to sing "(Sittin' On) The Dock of The Bay." He comes out on the stage wearing a blue shirt and black pants. All three guys have worn nearly the same colors so far. Oh, he's also shaved off the mustache, which also makes him look a little younger. I can almost believe he's younger than thirty. George's voice is very solid tonight. He's got a good, naturally hoarse tone that works well with the song. He doesn't do much by way of ornamentation, which is a good thing. Yes, he's smiling and dipping his way through a song that's supposed to be a bit depressing. This doesn't bug me as much as when Ruben used to do it, for a couple of reasons. First of all, I don't think that the Otis Redding version sounded that sad either, despite the melancholy sense of resignation in some of the lyrics. Second of all, I think it's a reflection of George's personality in the way he sings, whereas the brainless smiling of singers like Ruben and Diana Degarmo reflects a lack of personality. Hell, George probably thinks that there's a good side to the lyrics, because that's just kind of how he is. And finally, it's really hard for me to criticize the intent of the song once it has been used to sell root beer. I will admit, though, that the twirl was probably a bit much.
Judges. Randy says he loved it and it was George's best performance yet, while Simon leans over and appears to be chewing something noisily near Paula's ear. Whatever. Paula says the great thing about George is that he's exactly the same way off-camera as he is on-camera. Simon says that, unlike LaToya, he doesn't think George is aware of how good a singer he really is. Maybe that's because y'all originally rejected him back in Pasadena. He suggests to George that one night he needs to slow it down and show America what a good vocalist he is. Ryan comes out to the Seal to give George's numbers. Ah, I forgot that you can tell how late the show is running depending on whether or not the contestants get to sit down on the drinking fountain stools and have Ryan ask them stupid questions.
up is Jennifer Hudson. She's lived in Chicago all her life, yet she still pronounces the "s" in "Illinois." She has a mom and an older sister. Mom tells us that Jennifer loves nothing more than to sing. Her sister, Julia, says Jennifer would pick music over food and water. Jennifer explains that she and her sister are total opposites. Jennifer loves the heat. Julia doesn't. Jennifer likes music. Julia doesn't. Jennifer likes movies. Julia doesn't. What exactly does Julia do with her spare time, anyway? Julia also doesn't like how Jennifer dresses, and mocks the pink dress from last week. Julia shows off some burgundy monstrosity that we fortunately haven't seen Jennifer in. Jennifer started singing in church, and she loves it, and it's the best feeling in the world. I'm waiting for her to start crying again, but she doesn't. We see her church, and to my complete heathen amusement, everybody is wearing shirts with Jennifer's picture on it and a reference to American Idol. Isn't there a commandment about that sort of thing? Well, I guess they aren't worshipping the shirts or anything, but still, it's a bit jarring. I guess there's no reason why you can't love Jennifer and Jesus. Jennifer reminds us that she sang on a cruise ship. There's a helpful establishing shot of a cruise ship for any viewers struck with aphasia. Jennifer has a "room" named after her at the Dunbar Vocational Career Academy. I shouldn't laugh. It's total elitism to laugh. My own college was only about two steps up from this. But I laughed nevertheless. There are a bunch of bad science fair displays praising Jennifer. This is their "museum" to Jennifer. She says she's thinking of donating her pink dress to the museum. She calls it a "Jenny K. original." Poor George the designer has been left to twist in the wind. Jennifer's already forgotten about the little people. Jennifer tells us that she's trying to "send a message" in her song and she hopes we're all touched by it.
Ryan introduces Jennifer to the Seal to sing "Baby, I Love You." See it's easy to "send a message" in the song when it's the song title. Let's see her tackle "White Rabbit." Jennifer heads out in a disappointingly boring ensemble of a white top, jeans, and a charcoal pinstriped jacket. See, you can't flog your crazy clothing and then not deliver! That's why she ended up in the bottom three, I'm telling you. And perhaps also because her singing is boring. Actually, she's not bad. She starts a little wobbly but gets into the spirit of the song quickly, despite the chirpy background singers shrieking "I do!" at one point. Take a valium, Idolettes! The song is just rather generic within the soul genre and doesn't have much of an impact or presence. That's not Jennifer's fault, but her facial contortions just make it a little weirder. She's trying to sell the song, but the song doesn't seem all that interested in being sold. I think there's a very good reason why this isn't one of the more popular Aretha songs. Jennifer's last note is awful, barked out like she stepped on a nail right at the same time.
Judges. Randy says he loved the performance and her control. He's amazed at the level of talent they've got, and declares that this is the best top twelve they've had. What a bold declaration, given that this is only the second top twelve you've had. The first season only had ten. Yes, it's nitpicking, but he bugs me sometimes. Paula agrees with all of Randy's assessments, and adds that neither Simon nor Jennifer's sister can complain about Jennifer's outfit tonight. Yes, but that's kind of the point, isn't it? That was her thing. Simon says he'd like to date Julia. See, that's a joke, because Julia hates Jennifer's clothes. He doesn't really want to date Julia, because Julia is…not thin. Julia is quite a distance from thin. Simon says that it was a bad choice of song, and he thinks he's hearing too much oversinging tonight. From whom? We haven't even gotten to Jasmine and Diana yet. LaToya? Jasmine? I can't imagine any of the others being accused of oversinging. I could barely hear Camile. The audience boos. Jennifer tells Simon she still likes him. Simon says the oversinging is going to become boring. "Is going to"? Paula says that Jennifer will never be boring. I guess now they need the judges to drag out more time or something. Simon says that Jennifer was good, but she oversang. After the awkward silence spins out for a few seconds, Ryan finally makes his way onto the Seal to give us Jennifer's numbers, and to insult Simon by saying he needs to adjust his "chest implants."
Commercials. When we return, Ryan is bothering the guys up at the light boards. I should mention that he introduces each contestant from a different spot somewhere in the studio. up is John Stevens. He's sixteen and from New Amherst, New York. He's got two siblings who are around ten years older than him. He also has a cute brother. Damn these contestants and their cute siblings. John spent a lot of time with his grandparents as a kid. Towering over them, it looks like. He must be a little over six feet tall, and his grandparents look like they're about four feet tall. John picked up his love of old music from his grandparents, who played it for him whenever he came to visit. In the cutest profile moment ever, John's grandfather tells us that they used to listen to these songs on the radio. Then Grandpa and Grandma slowly nod their heads in complete, unplanned unison. Hee! John's mom tells us that John's relationship with the grandparents help keep them young. Even though they're in their eighties, they attend all of John's concerts. Well, yes, but it's not like a mosh pit is going to break out during one of John's performances. I don't think there's much risk to the elderly there. We see John at school, where everybody pretends to be his friend to get on camera. John's in the chorale at school. I think he sings either bass or baritone. I'm sure I'll get a million corrections on that from former chorus students. I was in band. The metal object I attached my lips to determined which part I was playing. Anyway, they stick a microphone close to him while he's singing "The Star Spangled Banner," except that his role is definitely harmonizing, and it kind of sounds awful when you have it stand out like that. He gets his own little pep rally at the school. Awww. He tells us he always wanted to perform what he loved in front of millions of people.
Ryan introduces John to the Seal to sing "Lately." John is wearing a shiny gray suit and a burgundy tie, and has one of the drinking fountain stools on the stage to sit on while he sings. The song has been recast as a lounge number for John's benefit, so now we know how he's going to fit into the themes each week. He's not. They'll just alter the songs. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's just not working for me here. He's just kind of eh. The thing is, even when you're crooning, you've got to have a certain level of energy or charisma. And you've got to have the right energy for the song. "Lately" isn't a happy song. You don't croon it the same way you'd croon "The Way You Look Tonight," which is what John is doing. And he just doesn't seem very invested in the song. And his voice isn't all that good. He tries to hold a couple of notes, and they're awful. He looks as though he's even boring himself.
Judges. Randy says he didn't think John didn't pass the first test to see if he could sing different songs outside of Dean and Sinatra. He says he was bored to tears. Paula wasn't bored to tears, because she's never bored by anything and could stare her own fingernails in fascination for hours. She thought that John was a "gentleman" and gave a classy performance. Simon milks to moment to say he's going to agree with…[dramatic pause]…Paula. He thinks that John is the "real, unique performer" here. Because he models all his singing upon somebody different from whom everybody else models their singing upon. What a rather sad definition of "unique." Randy asks whether he thinks John was as good as LaToya. Man, LaToya better not fuck up. They keep comparing everybody to her. Simon non-sequiturs that John is "Middle America" -- whatever the hell he means by that -- and that his style breaks up some of the "monotony" of all the loud belters. Except you're just replacing a monotony of similarity with the monotony of boringness. Randy argues with them. Simon declares that John is a good singer and that Randy needs to wash out his ears. Heh. That'll make Simon's comments during the results show even more amusing. Ryan heads out to the Seal and asks Randy what John needs to do to improve. Randy says John needs to sing better and really have a stronger presence than just a "laid-back" guy onstage. Ryan gives us John's numbers while Simon and Randy pretend to fight. Paula's "water" gets knocked over.
Commercials. Okay, I swear they just put Thom Filicia in Kirstie Alley's role for the Pier One commercials and kept the same scripts they'd already ordered. Except that they added a "pumpkin" to the script. And he's cuter.
When we return, Ryan takes time out from flirting with a guy in the crowd to introduce Leah LaBelle's clip show. Leah's from Seattle and is an only child. In case you had forgotten, her parents and their family were singers who fled from Bulgaria. It's sort of like The Sound of Music, except from Communism instead of Nazis. But like The Sound of Music, the singing's not very good. Leah's mom is named Anastasia. Oh, you can't possibly get a more melodramatically Eastern Bloc name than Anastasia. If there wasn't a chase scene on horseback when she fled Bulgaria, I'll be very disappointed. Despite Anastasia's constant role in Leah's competition, I really don't get "stage mom" vibes from her. Maybe it's just me. They showed her "helping" Leah's group in Pasadena, and they all seemed to like her. Maybe I'm just turning soft. We watch home-video footage of baby Leah singing and dancing for the cameras. She joined the Total Experience Gospel Choir (just how "total" are their experiences, anyway?) when she was eleven years old, and we get to listen in as she butchers a solo in "Lean on Me." Her choir director compliments her anyway, because that's just what you do. A crowd of "friends" gathers in front of Leah's high school to ham it up for the camera. Leah's principal tells us that Jimi Hendrix and Quincy Jones went to the same school as Leah, and she thinks Leah might be the big thing for them. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha! I was laughing at that even before Leah got rejected. Just the idea of the three of them being spoken of in the same breath. Why, it's like comparing John to Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra. Leah declares that singing badly and begging people to love you is the American dream. So that's where things went wrong for me. I haven't been singing badly.
Leah heads to the Seal to sing "You Keep Me Hangin' On." She's wearing a light yellow off-the-shoulder shirt that exposes her torso, and jeans. Suddenly she's wearing the Rachel hairstyle popularized in the heyday of Friends. I suppose that's slightly preferable to the '80s crap. Her singing is not good. Her voice is thin and dull. She has no energy or stage presence. She just stands there and slowly bobs up and down. She probably would have done well in the first season, but there's just too much "personality" (by which I mean "open, unabashed mugging for the camera") for her to compete with this crew. She's not an awful singer; she's just dull. The audience doesn't seem to be getting the song, and considering that this is a number that lends itself to clapping, that's not a good sign. The poor girl is flopping, and she looks like she can tell. She does get a reluctant standing O at the finish. If it takes five seconds for a standing O for an American Idol performance, that means it sucked.
Judges. Randy says it wasn't Leah's best performance and she knows it. She agrees. Paula tells Leah not to give up hope, because every performer has an "off" night. Or an "off" several weeks, in her case. Or an "off" career, in Paula's case. Simon tells Leah to "pack her suitcase," because he thinks she's going to get voted off based on her performance tonight. There's like five seconds of silence before a handful of people in the audience work up the energy to boo him. And there aren't that many. Ryan heads out to the Seal to give us Leah's numbers.
More princesses! Bring on Jasmine Trias. Jasmine is from Hawaii! I should mention that she pronounces her home state in the correct-but-annoyingly-pretentious way: "Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee." She lives in a tiny town on Oahu with her parents, brother and sister. She has a flower in her hair. Because she's from Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee! When she got home, her parents held a karaoke party for her. There's a montage of various family members singing "Proud Mary" that is brilliantly edited to jump between them smoothly. Much love for the editing guys this week. It's almost like I'm watching The Amazing Race or The Apprentice. Showing off more cute editing, we jump between Jasmine's parents singing badly to them individually telling us that Jasmine inherited her singing skills from them. Neither of them can sing at all, which is what makes it so cute. Then we cut to Jasmine's grandparents. Her grandfather says that Jasmine gets her singing talent from him. But her grandmother responds, "I don't think so." It would have been perfect if Grandma insisted Jasmine got her talent from her, but sadly, she doesn't. Jasmine likes to hula! Because she's from Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee. She says the flower in her hair is her Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee thing, because we didn't see them on every other female contestant back in the initial auditions. She tells us that having the flower on the right side means you're single. Left side means you're taken. Jasmine's is in her right side. It was on the left side during her first auditions, but now she's single. Honey, you're seventeen. Don't go flirting with America. America has roaming hands and doesn't have a good history of taking "no" for an answer. Jasmine also surfs! Because she's from Hawa-[tiny pause]-ee. Does she do anything that doesn't have anything to do with Hawaii? Does she live on a diet of pineapple and macadamia nuts? Anyway, Jasmine isn't that good a surfer. She tells us that being on American Idol is like "riding a wave" and it's such a "big rush." Then we cut to her falling off the surfboard. A subtle message, perhaps? Has Foreshadowing worked his way back onto the show?
Ryan introduces Jasmine to the Seal to sing "Inseparable." She's wearing a metallic peach-tone shirt and a black miniskirt. She's got a matching peach flower in her hair. She's pretty good. Of course, she's coming on the heels of Leah. She's got a pretty solid voice, and has toned down on the melisma. Way down, if I remember her semifinal performance properly. But there's still something mechanical and pageant-like about her performance. This is definitely one of those "safe" choices. It shows off the notes, but isn't all that challenging, style-wise. It's easy to like. But it's a little dull.
Judges. Randy says Jasmine was a little rocky to start off, but kicked it in, and declares that she's what the competition is all about. Paula declares that Jasmine was her favorite performance tonight. Paula starts to stand up, and then the camera inexplicably cuts away to the audience. What, did Paula flash a titty at Jasmine? If so, Jasmine's response indicates that she likes Paula's titty. We cut back to Paula after she puts the titty away and sits back down. Oh, and somebody threw a rose on stage at the same time. It might have been Paula. Maybe she was flirting after Jasmine revealed her single status in her profile. We don't have to confine the inappropriate homoeroticism to the men, you know. Ryan scampers over onto the stage to pick up the rose and give it to Jasmine. Paula concludes that Jasmine has a beautiful, well-rounded voice. Simon says that Jasmine was "just superb." He says that Jasmine could "potentially be really, really good in the future as well." What does that mean? "I don't feel the need to suck you creatively dry in two years and then cast you aside like most performers I work with." Is that what he's saying? Ryan heads back out to the Seal and asks Jasmine who really deserves credit for her talent. She's not quite pageant enough to know the diplomatic answer to this question, so Ryan feeds her the answer of it being a "team effort" so that she doesn't say anything silly like "Me! I did all the hard work, dammit! I've practiced for years! It was me!" Ryan gives Jasmine's numbers.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for the last singer of the night. Yay! Thank Roman! After this, I just have another fucking hour to recap. Oy. It's Diana Degarmo's turn. Diana lives in Snellville in Georgia. She says that Snellville's motto is "Where everybody's somebody," and she's just trying to prove the motto right. And then she giggles at her own cleverness. And, of course, she doesn't get that the motto means that you don't have to be on television to be "somebody" and that she's already "somebody" because she lives in Snellville. Just brilliant. I'm sure the Snellville Chamber of Commerce is clapping sarcastically at her understanding of the town's motto. Oh, who am I kidding? They probably don't care as long as she says "Snellville" several times. She has a brother who is twelve years older than her. And cute. Dammit. She and her mom live together in one of those bland McMansions Hildi is always ruining on Trading Spaces. Diana's mom tells us that Diana was always singing the whole time she grew up. Apparently Diana loves something more than she loves pink -- cheetah prints. She shows us her cheetah print sheets in her bedroom. Oh, did I forget to mention that she's wearing pink and black during all of this? She is. She tells us that she's a typical teen, talking on the phone and the internet. She also likes to fish, which is a cute little distinction. We see her fishing. Unfortunately, she's not wearing a hat covered with fishing tackle, nor hip waders, so I can't give her full personality points for the hobby. We see her at school, where a teacher tells us that she "brings a very intelligent, strong, female presence to the classroom." What the hell does that even mean? Based on what we see, I think it means that she gets good grades and wears miniskirts. When did they start letting miniskirts into the classroom? I went to high school in Florida, and they didn't allow that sort of thing back then. Man, even the South has lost its moral compass. Though I remember the historic day that they allowed us to start wearing shorts in class. Because they couldn't afford to keep the air conditioning on all the time. A coach tells us that Diana always comes out to support the teams at games. God. She really has no personality. I hate recycling jokes (unlike Simon and Ryan), so I can't bring back the whole robot thing. I used that one on R.J. Helton. But Diana's just so generic that it's hard to even believe she's real. You know, with the advances in technology, we can take it a step further. Diana's not a robot -- she's a fully rendered CGI model of an idealized American Idol contestant. Her voice is being done by one of those Disney network teen actresses. If she does well in the show, they can just get rid of all the contestants entirely and still have the contest. They'll just use models. It will be like the fight scenes in the sucky Star Wars movies. Diana tells us she just wants to make people happy.
Ryan introduces Diana out to the Seal to sing "Think." She heads out with her hair down for once (and it looks much better than the braids) and no pink and black. Shocking! She's wearing a pearl-colored camisole and blue jeans. I will grudgingly admit that Diana's technically the best singer on the show. She has complete and utter command over every single note and doesn't make a single misstep vocally. However, she still has absolutely no connection to the song. She's just too generic to sell a soul song. She needs to live life a little more. She needs to have an asshole boyfriend treat her badly. She needs to have something repossessed. She needs to have credit problems. I think that in ten years, assuming Diana gets out of her little bubble world (or perhaps special effects studio) she lives in, she could be an absolutely awesome performer. But she has to drop all the pageant-esque affectations and somehow find a way to become a real person.
Judges. Randy says the performance was incredible. He repeats that this is the best top twelve they've had. Paula says that Diana's performance was effortless and her tone pure. Simon says, "Diana, you're just like a big doll, aren't you?" Diana says she'll take that as a compliment. When somebody says, "You're just like a big doll," it's so not a compliment. Simon says that he didn't feel as "touched" as he did when Jasmine sang. I didn't feel "touched" when either of them sang, so whatever. He says that Diana has a great voice, but it comes down to "personal preference," and Jasmine is skinny and Diana is not quite as skinny, so you know where Simon's pretty princess vote is going. Ryan heads out to the Seal to give Diana's numbers.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan greets us from Pimp Central with the kids for their stupid little [product-placed cola] talk back to the judges moment. Ryan brings up Randy's "best top twelve" comments. What does Fantasia think about that? She liked it. Wow. Ryan takes about two minutes to ask his boyfriend Matt if it's hard to balance the pressure and the fun. The sign of a bad interviewer is how they always seem to have to introduce a question, no matter how simple it is. Ryan does this all the time. By the time he gets to the end of a question, he's practically answered it himself, and that's why he rarely gets a decent response. Matt blathers on about how he's always looking at Simon because Simon always has this "look" like he's about to "bite [his] head off." I would pay good money to see that. The "Cowell scowl" is how Ryan refers to his evil ex's facial expressions. Matt jokes that his boyfriend's evil ex scares him in order to make Simon look bad. Ryan finally gives us the closing clip show of the performances. By this point, I had totally forgotten what Amy had sung. And that Camile was still in the contest. Afterward, they all gather on the Seal as Ryan tells us to tune in for the results tomorrow and to hear Clay sing. He asks, "Has fame twisted his mind?" Well, it's certainly twisted mine.
Wednesday. I have to quote Melodramatic Announcer's opening comments in their entirety, because they're just so hysterical: "We made a top twelve together, but now it's time for the numbers to drop. Cold hard facts are, someone's got to go. It's your show. They're your votes. What have you done?" What have you done, America? I ask myself that every week.
Credits. Ryan greets us from the Seal wearing a boring outfit, save for the jacket made of felt. Didn't he wear that before? He wishes us a happy St. Patrick's Day, though he isn't wearing anything green. He likes it when Matt pinches him. He tells us that the Tuesday show garnered FOX's highest ratings for that night, ever. See, there's an example of when I ask myself, "What have you done?" It's hard for me to convince people that the show's in decline when more people watch it than ever. Sigh. There were eighteen million votes cast. Oh, dammit. I forgot that the Sofas of Despair lose their purpose once you get to the finals, because that's where the kids who aren't rejected sit. They will be rechristened the Sofas of Relief. The kids are all sitting on the Sofas of Relief. Ryan reminds us that our votes mean that one person's dreams are being crushed tonight and it's all our fault. Hey, don't blame me. I didn't vote for anybody. I'm essentially trying to crush all twelve dreams. He further insults the kids by saying that one of them will be riding the "Gary Coleman Express train to Hasbeenville." Uck. Did Homer Simpson write Ryan's lines? Oh, and one of the losers from the second season will be making an appearance. What's-his-face. Trey. No, that's not right. Oh, Clay! Clay Aiken will be here. He's still around? Who knew?
Ryan introduces the judges . He lies that Simon likes to be on television more than Ryan and Matt combined. Simon and I share a sarcastic "yeah, right" in response. Ryan calls Paula "small, but beautifully packaged," because of all the "package" jokes Tuesday night. Paula's been dressed boringly this week, which is why I haven't made fun of her. Everybody's outfits have been kind of dull this week. Oh, and Randy's there, too. The Ryan introduces all twelve finalists to us again. Leah's hair has moved past the Rachel to a sort of non-decade-specific curlier hairdo that looks much nicer than anything she's had so far. Matt is wearing a newsboy cap. The Hair must have been in a mood and didn't want to come out tonight. Jasmine's flower is blue.
The clip show from last night's performances is notable mostly because they apparently lost the voice-over tape of it, so Ryan has to narrate the clip live. He does okay, though he talks over a few of the judges' comments. Nobody really cares, though, because this is all filler. Everything's pretty much as expected. Ryan says Simon "dropped a bomb" by saying that Jon is the dark horse to win. No, it was Jon who dropped the bomb with that performance. Back onstage, since it's a whole damn hour's worth of blather, Ryan's going to ask the kids some dumb questions to see how they fare live. His first dumb question is to ask John what he can do to get Randy on his side. And when John doesn't have an answer, he asks Randy, which is the exact same damned thing he did Tuesday night. And he gives pretty much the same damned answer. Randy says you can't be a half-ass Dean impersonator. You have to really be a good singer to pull it off. The audience boos. Jennifer, where's that ugly pink dress you wore? Do I have to start making up a list of suggested questions for Ryan so that the show doesn't have to dwell on the same damned things every week? Jennifer responds that her sister probably hid it. She also tells Simon that her sister is coming for him after that date offer. Simon is confused and has apparently forgotten that he said he wanted to date Julia. George, why did you shave your mustache? He said he was thinking about it, and finally he just did it. Did he think it would give him an edge? An edge? Over whom? Matt, the only other contestant with a mustache? I don't think George needs much of an extra edge over Matt, what with the fact that he can actually sing. George doesn't quite know how to respond to the dumb question. He talks a little bit about how he's always changing his look. Ryan asks if the audience likes it. They cheer, because they always do, unless they're booing the judges. In the dumbest question Ryan has ever asked, he asks Jon to explain something that we're going to see in a few minutes. Jon doesn't want to explain it, because we're going to see it in a few minutes.
Here, Ryan, are some non-stupid questions, free of charge: "What kind of music would you like to record if you were to win?" "What's your personal favorite [insert this week's theme] song? What do you like about it?" "What do you think about the top songs on the current pop charts?" "What would you most like to improve about your performances?" "What do you think you do best as a performer?" And finally, "Can I wear the assless chaps tonight?" That last one's just for Matt.
Now we get to see what Jon doesn't want to tell us about. It's the kids' first [product-placed car] skit. It's a video of the kids all singing -- without a lick of irony or self-awareness -- "Fame," while pretending to be sucking at a bunch of non-singing occupations. Jennifer is a desk jockey. Matt is a copier repairman. Jon is dressed up in a banana outfit, handing out fliers. Thanks for spoiling it for us, Ryan. Bastard. The three of them throw up their papers in resignation and run off into their [product-placed SUVs]. Yeah, let's see how long they can pay for the gas on that thing now that they've quit their jobs. There's a hysterical shot of Jon running in slow-motion in the banana suit. They pick up all the other kids, who are wearing other work costumes. John's dressed like a mechanic. Amy is a nurse. Fantasia's a chef in a big goofy hat. George is a construction worker. Wackiness! They show up at their new mansion (we'll get to that later) in three gas guzzlers, and toss their uniforms in the air. Then they all pose for a shot with them all jumping in the air. Then, after the cameras stop rolling, they collect those uniforms up, because they're probably going to need them again in a few weeks.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for the weekly horrifying medley. Yay! I could use a laugh at somebody else's expense. John and Matt starts us off with the opening strains of "Shake Your Tailfeather." And they are just awful. Rejected before they even make it to the judges awful. They don't even have a single soul to split between the two of them. After a verse, Jon and George take over. They don't sing much better, but at least they have more energy. The girls all come in for the chorus. They all march around the stage to get into the right positions, like cheerleaders about to do a throw. They sing and dance badly. During the "tailfeather" line, the girls all spin around to shake their asses at us, but the guys don't. Sexism! Not that I want to see any of these particular guys shake their tailfeathers at me. Then the four guys dance really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really -- is that enough "really"s? -- badly to "Soul Man." John's dancing makes Jon's capering seem like Matthew Bourne choreography. After they torture us for about thirty seconds, the women all end our suffering by breaking in with "Respect." They actually sound fairly good together. They all end the medley with "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love." Somebody pointed out on the forums (and I discovered this myself by researching to make sure I had the song titles right) that all of these songs were in The Blues Brothers. Oh, and there's a deep bass voice in the song, and whenever we hear it, it cuts over to John. Is it him singing? Not quite. He is singing, and I hear his voice, but the extra deep voice is an additional voice. That's not him. And they end on a Pointy Pose. And then they do an additional Pointy Pose. Is that a shout-out? And then they just stand there and hold it, like it's the last number before intermission in a musical and they're waiting for the curtain to come down. They keep holding it like a bunch of dorks while Ryan introduces the segment. Heh.
And that would be pimping the new house. They get another mansion. I'm pretty sure it's not the same One Hit Wonderland as last year, though it's just as generically furnished and unlived in on the inside. It's somebody's tax write-off. "Our House" plays as the kids frolic in their new home and mug for the cameras. George plans to make lots of omelets. They play football in the living room and all tackle Matt. They flop down on the beds. They pretend to play foosball. They pretend that they actually have an interest in living when they aren't on camera. Matt mugs for the camera some more. They enjoy the view of the smog over Los Angeles. They caper in front of the camera. They have a nice house and you don't. But don't feel bad: Unlike them, you actually get to eat and sleep.
Commercials. When we return, Jason Bateman's in the audience and Ryan takes a moment with him to pimp Arrested Development, which is the best show on television right now and if you don't watch it, you're not allowed to read any more of my recaps. No, I'm serious. You have to stop right now. Go. Anyway, they remind us that Arrested Development is airing after the results show to try to get them some attention they sorely need. Oh, and Matthew Metzger was out there in the audience, too, somewhere.
Unfortunately, everybody immediately forgets about Jason, because Clay Aiken's going to sing. Jason's cuter. Yeah, I said it. Clay's back to sing "Solitaire" again, which is actually on the B-side of his latest single, "The Way." Somebody doesn't have much confidence in the "The Way" if they put him in front of this huge audience and had him sing a song he already sang last season. Clay is wearing a black suit with a black turtleneck. His hair is what is probably its natural brown color. His sIIIIIINGinG is terrrrriblyEEEeEeEe melooooodramatiIiIiIc! Oh, sorry. I was recapping the way Clay sings. There are glory notes for one and all. Including one that lasts for fifteen seconds (yes, I timed it) and changes keys. Impressive. I still can't stand his singing. The audience shrieks and waves signs and dies.
After he's done, he heads over to Ryan to chat. Clay tells us that he's not normally nervous when he performs, but he was nervous back in Pimp Central because it reminded him of when he was on the show still. Ryan reminds us that Clay's album is triple platinum and sold 2.4 million albums. To 500 people. Just kidding. Though I got about a dozen hate mails from my review of his album from people saying they had bought five or six copies each, because apparently I'm supposed to be impressed by their lack of perspective and restraint. He's also on tour with Kelly. Ryan asks how it's going. Clay says he's "amazed" that he's having a great time, because the first AI tour he went on "got tired." Because, you know, there were all those other contestants there, too. Now it's just him and Kelly. Are he and Kelly still friends? Yes, the diva isn't being too pushy and things are going well. And by "diva," I didn't mean Kelly.
Ryan brings Clay over to the kids on the Sofas of Relief to ask him scripted questions. Matt says that he's been having bad dreams about Simon lately and wants to know how Clay is coping with all the stress. Of being around your boyfriend's evil ex? Why don't you ask Ryan? He seems to be able to treat Paula well, even though she's the evil ex's new girlfriend. Clay tells him to keep his mind focused on why he's there. To bug me? To screw Ryan? To promote ham through his performances? That sort of thing? Fantasia reminds Clay that they're both from North Carolina, and asks him if things have changed back home. God, what a fake-ass, not to mention redundant, question. First of all, we already saw Fantasia's life change last night in her profile, and we saw Clay's life change about seven hundred times last season. Ask something relevant, like how much money he's made of his triple-platinum album. I bet that answer will be far more helpful. ["And in the single digits." -- Sars] Clay makes a big deal about his tour heading to North Carolina, and declares that not much big happens there. Because Charlotte and Raleigh-Durham are tiny little villages. Hamlets, practically. Every music tour goes through Charlotte. Yeah, Clay, you were the biggest thing to happen to North Carolina. That day. Clay complains about the grocery shopping, because celebrities always do that. And that's it for the scripted questions. Ryan wishes Clay luck and sends him off to put on his disguise so he can go buy some toilet paper.
Commercials. When we return, now that I've hit page 21 in my writing, it's time to start the actual rejection process. Same as last season, the three with the lowest votes get pulled down. Everybody but Simon loved Diana, so she's safe. Everybody loved LaToya and she's safe. Jon was a spastic dork and I can't stand him, but nobody cares about my needs. He's safe. Leah sucked and everybody hated her and she's in the bottom three. Randy and I thought John was boring, but you guys didn't, so he's safe. Fantasia was loud and crazy and everybody loved her. Well, not everybody, if the forums are any indication, but enough. She's safe. Everybody loved George's upbeat rendition of a sad song, so he's safe. Matt was made entirely of ham, but America loves pork products. He's safe. Jasmine was cute and had a flower in her hair. She's safe. Amy was okay, but she couldn't pull enough votes over the other loud women. She's in the bottom three. That leaves Jennifer and Camile. And seventeen commercials.
When we return, Ryan whines that the show was extended from ten minutes to an hour, like he's at all upset about getting fifty more minutes of screen time. Ryan finally gets around to revealing who the third person on the Seal will be. Camile starts to lean forward like she knows it's going to be her. But it's not. It's Jennifer. See, she didn't wear bad clothes or cry. It's her box! Stay in your box! Jennifer gives Camile a hug and heads over to the Seal. Ryan idiotically asks Jennifer what it feels like to be there, knowing that she might get ejected. She blandly responds that she's just happy to have had the experience. Amy says it's hard to be up there and she's only pretending to look relaxed. Ryan asks Leah what's going through her mind right now. The answer is "nothing." Seriously, she just shakes her head and then just waves her arms in resignation. She manages to repeat Jennifer's bland comments.
What to do the judges think? Randy's shocked that Jennifer is up there. Leah kindly nods her head and applauds Jennifer along with the crowd. Paula agrees with me (AIIIIIEEEEEE!) that the reason Jennifer didn't do so well was because she didn't pick a good, engaging song. She thinks that Amy picked a safe song and that Leah is capable of doing better than what we saw. Simon still feels that Jennifer picked a weak song and oversang it. He's not surprised at any of them being in the bottom three. He says he's not really sure Jennifer "deserves" to be in the bottom three, but he's not surprised. He adds that some of the other performers -- LaToya and Jo(h)n -- didn't sound as good when he heard them later on television. I'm assuming that he means John with the second one there. His praise of Jon was very careful, and I don't think he would need to backtrack on that.
Time to send somebody back to the Sofas of Relief in…relief. Amy is safe this time. She hugs Leah and heads back to the couches. It doesn't look like she hugged Jennifer to me. Let the rumors begin! Back on the Seal, there's still time to burn, so Leah and Jennifer are going to sing again. Leah is even worse than last night. She has no presence, and she can't hold any of the notes steady. Then Jennifer sings, and she's still good and the song is still kind of boring. Ryan teases them about the results, but we know they ain't coming yet.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan finally reveals the loser. And to the surprise of nobody, it's Leah. The audience isn't surprised. Leah isn't surprised. Leah thanks everybody and her mom and her friends and cries a little bit. She gets her little "dying of a tragic disease" clip show send-off. She tells us that music is her life and her heart. She was sad when she didn't make it in the finals the first time. And then Paula picked her. And then since we didn't vote for her the first time, we didn't vote for her the second time. She tells us she's grown as a performer. We see her mom in the audience, and she doesn't look angry or anything. She just doesn't seem like a stage mom to me. And I think she's wearing the drummer's hat from the video for "Are You Gonna Be My Girl." Leah concludes by telling us she had the best time of her life. I wish we could all say the same about you, sweetie.